Brexit voting expats “delighted” that their European nightmare is coming to an end

IF YOU LOVE THE UK SO MUCH, WHY DON’T YOU GO AND LIVE THERE: The Brexit voting expat community in Europe is getting its dearest wish. They are finally coming home! 

The expats have endured years upon years of horrible Spanish sunshine, disgusting picturesque beaches and unthinkable siestas. Now at last they will be able to experience the undiluted joy of damp gloomy days in some godforsaken British town. 

“We have got our bags packed, and we can’t wait to come home!” exclaimed an excited Claudia Daze. “I’m utterly delighted! It’s ok here, but we miss the sovereignty and the flags and the chill wind and the relentless drizzle!” 

Claudia’s husband, Rainier Daze, was equally enthusiastic. “To be quite honest, you can have enough of sunshine, cocktails on the beach, open air swimming pools, the easy life,” he said. “After a while, you hanker after misery, not speaking to your neighbours, and crappy government.” 

Claudia and Rainier pronounced themselves “Delighted” that the 90 days out of 180 are finally up, meaning that they can at long last return to Blighty. 

“I mean, it’s been a total nightmare, know what I mean?” said Claudia, admiring her tan. “I mean, there’s foreigners everywhere. They seem quite nice, but they won’t learn our language, and they do insist that we have paella and sangria, when really all we want is a cup of PG Tips – two sugars, please – and a Spam fritter with oven chips.”

“And ketchup,” Rainier interjected. “And you can’t get real white sliced bread or gravy granules for love or money. Thank goodness we are going back!”

Leave means Leave. So will you be swapping Cordoba for Corby? Sevilla for Swindon? Barcelona for Burton-on-Trent?

“Sounds perfect,” said Rainier, reclining on his sun lounger and sipping an exotic drink. “I can’t wait to get hammered on cheap lager…”

“…and lose all our money at the bingo…” said Claudia.

“…and have a screaming row and not talk to one another for weeks,” concluded Rainier. They both sighed contentedly and stroked their fresh new Blue Passports.

Some expats are furious at having to leave. But they don’t respect the flag, the Queen and democracy, so it doesn’t matter what they think.

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