Labour announces Tantric Brexit policy in which the moment of truth is delayed as long as possible

MAKE IT LAST FOREVER : LABOUR CONFERENCE voted to pass a motion yesterday, because everyone needs one every day, and with a democratic show of hands voted for whatever it was the leadership had decided the result would be.

“It was most democratic way to go about deciding our latest positioning on Brexit,” a Labour source told LCD Views, “the will of the party is now set on Tantric Brexit. Why not have a neutral position on the most divisive political issue facing the country? Let everyone fill the vacuum you’ve become themselves. That’s leadership right there. Makes you wonder how we’d run the country.”

Maybe, just maybe because the longer Brexit drags out the worse the risk to the peace in Northern Ireland? And Revoke Article 50, investigate all the criminality and explain to the voters who support Brexit exactly how they’ve been lied to and manipulated, and what you intend to do about that, is a more responsible policy?

“No. We have the moral high ground, because we claim to be peacemakers and pacifists. A Labour Brexit will naturally be calming for society. Next?”

Maybe because Brexit is causing serious trauma to millions of people who settled in the UK legally, feeling they were welcome to become part of the UK’s family, even starting families with Brits many of them, and are now faced with a retrospective immigration law change throwing their lives into turmoil?

And they weren’t even allowed a vote in the referendum that caused this?

And they expected the major left wing party to fight for their rights against the hard right disaster capitalists, tax dodgers and fascists who drive Brexit? Not keep the door open for their potential success.

“No. We have the moral high ground. We are all about protecting people’s rights. We have to leave the Single Market in order to do that. Next?”

Maybe because holding another referendum, before anything has been done to actually prevent all the criminality, foreign interference and voter manipulation that rigged the first one isn’t a wise policy, democratically?

“No. We are the most democratic of parties. Just look at how we decided our Brexit policy yesterday. A show of hands. A call of the vote. Over ruled by the chair. A denial of a card ballot and a song in praise of Jeremy Corbyn. What could be more democratic than that? Next.”

Maybe because it’s just a bloody fantasy to expect to gain power with a neutral policy on the matter that’s tearing the UK apart, and then expect to re-negotiate Brexit in a few months? Clearly an unrealistic timeframe that just sets your supporters up for disappointment and sows seeds of further division?

“You Tory shill. I’ve seen your timeline. 99% attacking the Tories and Brexit. It’s bloody clear who you work for. Next?”

Maybe, finally, because it’s obviously a catastrophic policy if you hope to win a general election and you’ll shed votes to the left and right like nobody’s business and be in no position to kick the Tories out?

At best we’ll get a hung parliament and you’ll have to go into coalition or obscurity, at worst you’ve opened the way for a Tory majority.

“Now you’ve hit the nail on the head. Our policy is designed to give the Tories enough rope to hang themselves. This will only occur once the middle classes are eating out of bins. Then the people will rise and sweep Labour to power with revolutionary fervour.”

So that’s why it’s a tantric policy?

“Yes. Boris Johnson and chums need time to stoke the fires of revolution. They’ve made some great strides, but they aren’t there yet. We need to keep out of the way and let them break the eggs for our omelette. We’ve kept out of the way of policy making for nearly 40 years, some of us, while becoming multi-millionaires through our obscure political careers. We’re for the many, not the few. Excuse me. I have to clear my throat.”

That makes sense, if you’re led by unreformed, wannabe communist revolutionaries who formed their worldview in the 70’s.

Clever thinking.

This way you’ll get to crow triumphantly when Corbyn sees off Johnson and the Tory PM to follow him from the safety of the opposition benches. No risk of taking any responsibility.

“Yes. Tantric opposition without ever finishing. It’s a very satisfying policy.”

“Get Ready to be the next Thomas Cook” – Government update Brexit advice for business

CRASHING AND BURNING FOR BREXIT : 10 Downing Street is popping the champagne today after the announcement by Thomas Cook that they had become martyrs for Brexit.

“To have an ancient and famous British brand hurl itself into the flames of devalued Sterling in order to make a success of Brexit? That’s a gesture of belief that will take some serious act of government failure to better,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “not to mention the 22,000 employees? All the associated supply chains? It’s a staggering sacrifice. We’re going to need to make medals for the heroes of Brexit.”

And the patriotic end of the 178 year old brand has prompted Downing Street to update its advice to business.

“We’re going to be spending an additional £200m on a new wave of ‘Get Ready for Brexit’ posters. Thomas Cook being the shining example of what business needs to do before, or some may say preferably after, we’ve delivered Brexit, do or die.”

Of course not everyone is celebrating as they should be. The BBC is coming in for particular fire from its friends in government for not mentioning the impact of the serious devaluation of Sterling on global supply chain business models.

“It’s a bit baffling. Clearly we all know diesel was a driver in the failure. So too a lack of belief in powered flight on behalf of the executives. But why fail to mention the weakened purchasing power of the UK’s currency? Total head scratcher.”

We did ask Boris Johnson for comment, but he wasn’t available, busy flying over to New York to make Britain proud at the UN.

But we reckon we can guess his comment, based on past utterances.

“F U C K Thomas Cook.”

Thank you Boris and all who are working to make a success of Brexit by seeing ancient British businesses die.

Gov will not fight BLACK DEATH OUTBREAK in SW16 as “to do so will weaken our negotiating hand with EU”

THE OLD ROMAN ROAD : The United Kingdom’s stock of people who’ve once passed a celebrity on the street looks in serious danger today as the southwest London suburb of Streatham became the scene of almost total devastation.

Early this morning reports began to filter out via a local mum’s group on social media that an outbreak of Black Death had begun. It’s believed to have been caused by the high anti-Brexit vote in the area in 2016.

“It was only a matter of time,” a Home Office source told LCD Views, “before the almost celebrity studded streets of Streatham, which are cheek by jowl with the suppurating Brixton slums (which coddle the plague bacteria by also being pro-EU), got hit. We are deeply concerned as this is a clear danger to the precious lives of people who have occasionally appeared on ITV4.”

But even as the bodies pile up out front of the Odeon cinema no action is being taken.

“To fight the outbreak of plague would weaken our negotiating hand with the EU,” the Home Office source confirmed, “if we aren’t prepared to let our own voters perish, what does that say to Junker?”

And with no government help forthcoming the local residents are having to organise and defend themselves.

“There’s a plague of hipster barbers along the long high road,” a correspondent reports from the scene, “these are now being overwhelmed by desperate local residents with bulging groin and armpit ulcers, demanding the barbers act like the surgeons of old. But as yet, the young barbers have only responded by offering a two for one on beard shampooing.”

It’s also believed the outbreak of new vaping shops are being hit by the yersini pestis smash and grab.

“A mob has formed outside several of the new shops. The demands seem to be that the entire stock of vaping liquid be vaped at once in a mass public ceremony in the hope of purifying the air and ridding SW16 of plague.”

The lack of official response has caused grave concern in areas north and south of SW16, as the long road that cuts through Lambeth and on to the coast will surely spread the plague in a swathe through south London.

“Ignore the hype over the fatality rate,” the Home Office source added, “each burning pyre of bodies brings the EU’s removal of the Irish Backstop from any Brexit Deal that much closer.”

Government to spend £100m on submersible “Get Ready for Brexit” posters so British fish know to get ready

THERE IS SOMETHING FISHY GOING ON : Chris Grayling is reported back in cabinet today with the announcement the government is to spend £100m on submersible posters so British fish know what to expect.

“It was his brainchild,” a cabinet spokesman said, “at least that’s what I was told. Which was nice, since Short Cummings assumed total dominion over the United Kingdom, I’m used to being told nothing. Mostly it’s just threats of physical violence, getting flecked by spit and having my phone smashed. We never used to have our phones smashed under May.”

But while the decision to spaff money into the sea will reassure the general public that patriotic fish will also be cared for as a new world smashes open across our faces like rotten eggs, some have queried the timing.

“It’s a dead cat to distract from the Supreme Court decision about how much Boris and Jacob lied to the Queen,” a stern government critic weighed in, “this is needless expense. We all know DExEU trained dolphins to spread the word about No Deal Brexit back in David Davis’ time.”

At least the critics aren’t concerned that all these endless money tree billions should have been spent on teachers, doctors, nurses, coppers, firefighters, and community groups to help create an atmosphere conducive to less young offending.

Let’s spend it on posters to throw in the sea instead. Very Brexit.

Are you ready for Brexit? You don’t need to be. And how could you be? No one knows what it’ll be. But don’t let that stop you being ready all the same. The street parties, when it’s finally dead and buried, will be frenetic, and you’ll need to be well supplied.

Downing Street explains it sent “non-papers” on Brexit to EU because current UKGov is a “non-government”

NATURE ABHORS A VACUUM : Downing Street has been the focus for some unusual criticism this week after it sent so called “non-papers” on Brexit to the EU.

“It’s all rot,” Stephen ‘the Barsarker’ Barclay admitted privately to a packed news conference, “the non-papers were papers, just they were blank papers, as we were hoping the EU would do the working out for us. Paper of this quality isn’t cheap. You think they’d be more grateful. This just underlined why we have to crash out of the EU, about the one thing we can do successfully. The crashing bit that is.”

But nonetheless it’s not just the EU that were left underwhelmed. Much of the UK is too.

“Just because it’s only weeks until we’re due to leave, do or die, and we’re spending endless millions that could have funded public services on pro-Brexit propaganda, some people expect us to actually have a coherent plan. To come up with constructive and feasible alternatives to the things we don’t like? It’s just not fair. We’re not miracle workers you know.”

Which is a shame really. Miracle workers are needed to make a success of Brexit.

“It wasn’t supposed to be this way anyway. Boris was supposed to get a GE by now. Meddling MPs have spoiled the plan. Now what have we got left? The blame game. That’s what. And we’re going to make a success of it.”

About all you can expect from a non-government whose entire focus seems to be producing a daily barrage of campaign videos for Boris Johnson. No actual sign of any governance.

And you have to wonder, at what point does the UK convulse and throw off all this incompetence? And that includes throwing off Brexit, the very wellspring of it.

Popular politician embarrassed daily by public on any topic definitely getting great last minute deal from EU

IF THE LIE FITS SAY IT : Global Britons are feeling positive and upbeat about the future, near and far, today as Boris Johnson continues to set the campaign trail ablaze.

“It’s a damn good thing he got that five week prorogation of Parliament through,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “that has given him four weeks, six and a half days to campaign in without parliamentary scrutiny, before a general election spending cap comes into force, and leaves him a few hours to scribble down some nonsense for the Queen to say. This just before parliament is suspended again for a general election anyway.”

But while it is outlandish to suggest evasion of scrutiny was the reason for suspending parliament, with Mr Johnson, scrutiny is still having its way.

“We really must do better at predicting what danger is waiting just around the corner each day,” the source continued, “we do have our best brain working on it, but you could not have seen it coming. No one could have foreseen an upset and anxious parent confronting Mr Johnson about the state of the NHS when he dropped in to an NHS hospital out of legitimate concern for the service.”

It’s a good thing Mr Johnson is so intellectually nimble.

“Yes. He reacted like a seasoned fighter pilot faced with a sudden threat. Talk about evasive manoeuvres! Telling the man that there was no press present when they were both standing metres from the press? Brilliant. That’s a move straight out of fifty shades of multi-dimensional chess.”

And the fast footwork has at least reassured the country regarding Mr Johnson’s stated reason for being in office.

“The general public are cunning, unpredictable and vicious. Seasoned hands at taking down politicians when they are surprised by them. It’s basically the only thing random members of the public are ever prepared for. You just wait and see how minced is Brussel’s meat when it comes to the last seconds of No Deal Brexit chicken.”

My derelict parliament still got TripAdvisor reviews even though it’s shut

TIME GENTLEMEN TIME : In July 2019, emotionally retarded man-child, Boris Johnson, inherited a representative parliament called Westminster on the banks of the Thames, a long river running from the English countryside, through London and out to France.

He hoped to redevelop Westminster into a stage for his triptych and tell the story of a country moving from absolute monarchy, to constitutional monarchy, and then accidentally into autocratic, fascist tyranny.

He planned to tell the three parter through interpretive dance, next to legitimate world leaders such as Leo Varadkar, and social media performances.

In September 2019 he closed the parliament in order to refurbish it to this end. He had even engaged a demolition expert called Dom “Short” Cummings. Short Cummings claimed to also be a genius architect, but no one has ever seen evidence of that.

“Parliament is supposed to be refurbished now,” Mr Johnson told LCD Views, “it’s closed. We’ll keep it closed so we can refurbish it as a rubber stamp for tyranny. In my plans that’s after a GE in which I hope to use toxic nationalism, combined with propagandising populism, to stuff the place full of Francois’ and Bridgens. It’s a bit of a shock to find people giving it reviews on TripAdvisor and demanding it is re-opened immediately. I won’t budge. It’s my parliament and I’ll do what I like with it. Some of the people leaving reviews are saying they think parliament should refurbish itself. That it’s actually their parliament too and not just mine. They’re idiots.”

But Mr Johnson may not have it all his own way. TripAdvisor isn’t the only forum where people are expressing a desire to modify his plans.

“Now the local planning authority, the Supreme Court, has gotten involved,” Mr Johnson shrugged, “and they say they’re going to leave a TripAdvisor review soon too. Well I warn them not to get involved or my friends in the media will start leaving reviews on them too.”

How the story plays out isn’t clear, but one thing seems likely, the reviews on Mr Johnson will only get more scathing the longer the saga drags on.

REVOKE ARTICLE 50 policy undemocratic say MPs defending mandate from a dodgy opinion poll that was heavily corrupted

TO BE DEMOCRATIC OR TO BREXIT : A British political party has set the cat among the Brexgions over the weekend when members attending a party conference voted overwhelmingly to adopt Revoking Article 50 as party policy.

“It’s nuts,” a random Tory MP decried, “you can’t just STOP BREXIT, if you win a mandate in a general election, that would be undemocratic. Clearly. Democracy begins and ends with the corrupted, advisory vote held years ago. Everyone knows what. Wheelbarrows of dodgy overseas cash achieved it. What about all the data crime people had to get away with? And what about the benefits? I’m planning to live well beyond one hundred to enjoy the benefits! I want to stand proudly in the immigration queue at Calais brandishing my blue passport!”

And the policy does run contrary to the way democracy is currently conducted in the United Kingdom. This by ignoring all evidence that the policy determining all other policies is batshit crazy, and will only benefit the extremes of politics and tax dodgers.

“What will happen to the shrines planned to Brexit?” a Labour MP no one had previously heard of demanded, “I’ve already got my offerings planned. I was going to lay the rest of the automotive industry at its feet and burn it. The guy I run into now and then at the Spoons was planning to laugh himself stupid as the financial services sector relocated to the US and EU27. What will he do with his stockpile of schadenfreude now? It’ll go out of date and there won’t be much of a pharmaceutical industry left to replace it. What about his plans to pay more income tax to make up for the sacrificing of the golden goose before another goose had been bred?”

Good questions indeed.

A No Deal Brexit would mean the intentional severing of over 700 international agreements at the stroke of a clock and leave a confused populace struggling to make sense of what happened to day to day life, while a chaotic clown car premiership makes social media videos saying how wonderful everything is. All “mandated” by a crime scene opinion poll held years back. One the previous PM’s QC agreed in court would have been quashed had it been binding.

What could be more democratic?!

It’s a good question. Just make the chaos stop? Hold public inquiries into how we got into such a perilous shambles? Tell the Brexiters to bugger off and come back with an actual detailed plan if they want to try again? So that will never happen…

“Stopping Brexit would divide the country,” a voting fodder MP weighed in, largely because they haven’t looked outside at the state of the country for years now.

How would you reunite the UK? You could start by holding public inquiries into the crimes conducted for Brexit.

New British passports to be Norwegian blue

Blue passports. The one and only real Brexit dividend. But which shade of blue? Leavers are upset that by the unusual choice of Norwegian blue.

“Things were better in the old days,” grumbled Brexit supporter Rose Tinted. “Blue meant blue, not some poncy European turquoise rubbish!”

But Tinted could not recognise Norwegian blue from a colour chart. “It’s bad enough that we have to be so close to Europe,” she moaned. “Now they are naming British colours. It’s not on. Who invented colours, that’s what I would like to know.”

In fact, the only definite thing that Tinted said was that she didn’t like any of the blues on offer. Not even Deacon Blue, Lionel Blue or See-Through Baby Blue.

Polly Chromatic, junior Home Office minister with special responsibility for the Colour of Things, gave her official response. “Norwegian blue is a very evocative colour,” she explained. “It creates a sense of pining for the fjords, that wanderlust, making it a highly suitable shade for a passport. Even though the passport will be redundant before it is issued, it is a symbol of the British refusal to give up. It has been metaphorically nailed to its perch.”

The new passports, made in the EU because it’s cheaper than buying British, will be shipped to the UK as soon as some kind of trading agreement is, well, agreed. In the event of a no deal Brexit, ports will close and the passports will be stranded in France, and no amount of blue pigment will change matters.

“But that’s ok,” said Chromatic. “Because nobody who owns one will actually want to use it. The Norwegian blue passport is a trophy, a demonstration that we have got one over on the EU. To loyal brexiters they are simply too valuable to use. Like the Brexit 50p’s. Mind you, they will be two a penny!”

One thing is certain, though. It is a dead passport. It has Ceased to Be.

Many ways to skin a cat – Yellowhammer plan for post Brexit food and clothing sees the fur flying

GRAB THE TIGER BY THE TAIL AND PULL IT OFF : RECENT REPORTS SUGGEST the general public maybe coming to perceive their government as an exercise in never ending SNAFU that couldn’t care less how many perish for Brexit?

LCD Views are here to say that is not the case.

There has apparently been an attempt made to calculate the death rate resulting from No Deal Brexit. An attempt has been made to calculate? The potential lethal impact of a purely voluntary political choice? Surely this shows concern at the highest levels of government.

Furthermore, even with disruption to supply chains, it doesn’t mean Global Britons will go without.

Do not panic.

“There maybe localised food shortages,” a Downing Street ‘source’ said today, responding to the flutters of worry, “they will be worse in areas with lower than average feline ownership. But anywhere that has lots of pets will be just fine.”

These can’t be many areas? All over Blighty Britons love cats, dogs, parrots and small mammals in general.

“We will though be issuing guidance, in line with Yellowhammer planning, that teaches patriots how to skin a cat. There are apparently many ways. Good traditional British ingenuity will see us ride over the bumps in the road after we crash out of over 700 international agreements at the stroke of a clock.”

Quite how you skin a cat is a question that is rarely asked in modern Britain. We presume you have to choose between skinning your own or a neighbour’s first?

“We could even have entire sectors of the economy dedicated to reviving not only cat fur, but any mammal you care to name that is currently indulged as a layabout. And pet snakes too. Britons will need shoes and belts after Brexit. Some things will never change.”

Don’t worry, if the geniuses behind Brexit believe they can get away with lying to the Queen, what plans do their powerful imaginations have for your pets? With any luck, we’ll never find out.