Government refuse request publish locations crisis food depots in case people misunderstand benefits No Deal Brexit

FORM AN ORDERLY LINE AND SMILE : The government has again refused today to publish the locations of stockpiles of tinned foods and out of date army ration packs.

“People may get the wrong idea about the looming benefits of No Deal Brexit,” DExEU minister, Mr Notso Clever, told LCD Views, “and if they start queuing early it will only add peer pressure to others to queue. We just can’t guarantee the weather. People may catch colds.”

The concern for the welfare of the ordinary man and woman, over and above the paternalistic attitude shown towards currency speculators, has been welcomed. Welcomed by the government.

“No Deal Brexit is not just about creating an artificial financial crisis to asset strip the UK for the benefit of hoarded offshore wealth,” Mr Notso Clever was certain, “it’s about minimising unnecessary inconvenience to the general public as their rights and personal wealth, freedoms and possibilities are curtailed to respect the result of the criminally manipulated opinion poll conducted years ago now.”

The mandate for Brexit is as fresh as it ever was.

“Just be reassured there is some food in shortage. Caviar. Smoked salmon. Foi gras. Even a large amount of lobster. The Palace of Westminster dining rooms will cope in any Brexit eventuality. So too the general public. Stockpiles of readily edible rubber bullets and tear gas are already mountainous.”

And for anyone worrying if there will be clean drinking water? Just in case the infrastructure of the UK suffers a widespread hack and crashes in the crisis?

“Already emergency legislation is being prepared to reassign leisure centre swimming pools across the country as water depots. It’s already chlorinated. People will be able to wash their chicken in it too. Do not worry. You are in safe hands.”

But there was one sour note. Stockpiles of famous British pragmatism and common sense are currently invisible.

“This won’t affect a No Deal Brexit,” Mr Notso Clever added, “as those qualities would only impede it.”

EU27 take out gagging order against Macron after he tells Johnson “you can revoke Article 50 up to last second”

OMG DON’T TELL THEM : President Macron was tight lipped tonight on the subject of Brexit after the other EU states took out a gagging order in the ECJ.

“It’s very specific,” Finland, currently acting on behalf of the UK (and Finland) at the EU council, told LCD Views, “we just need him to stop telling the UK they don’t have to Brexit.”

The legal move to zip the lips of the outspoken French leader will surprise many in the English exceptionalism press, but few on the other side of the Channel.

“We’re so close to not having to put up with cretins from Westminster jumping on a plane or train and turning up to show us their hairy balls,” the Finnish spokesman said, “I mean, after three years and more of this nonsense? Just get out already and take your economic collapse and become a parasitic, feudal, service economy feeding off the burgeoning financial centres on the continent. You want irrelevance globally? It’s yours, take it, and take your Daily Telegraph with you.”

The action has caused a ripple of orgasm amongst Brexit politicians at home. They have completely misinterpreted the legal move by the other EU states to mean the EU doesn’t want Macron to attempt to convince the UK to withdraw Article 50.

“Not when we’re so close to seeing Merkel collapse before the German automakers and Putin in Italy give in to the pressure from Italian pizza-ferry firms to ditch the Irish backdrop and just agree to whatever Downing Street wants.”

Many saw the power of attorney used to hand Finland control of UK decisions in the EU as a burden for the country. An enlargement of Very Finnish Problems, to now include Brexit, but it seems they all have the matter completely in hand.

Quite what Boris Johnson has in hand is anyone’s guess.

Angela Merkel refuses Boris Johnson’s request for asylum saying he’s already in one

BLIGHTED BLIGHTY : German Chancellor Angela Merkel is believed to have refused British-American-Turkish prime minister Boris Johnson’s request for political asylum.

“It’s a pointless request,” an aide to the long serving, democratically elected (numerous times), European statesperson said, “just like everything Mr Johnson demands. He knows it. It won’t stop him asking if course. We just shake our heads in wonder. We’re waiting for common sense to return to the UK’s politics. Just like most people there I guess.”

The reason for refusing the request does appears to have been multi-layered too.

“He’s made his bed, he has to now lie in it,” the aide added, “also we don’t need the contagion of his politics in our country. We are really very impatient for an end to freedom of movement from the UK, so their so called leaders can’t just pop over to the continent and drive us crazy asking for things we’ve already refused for three years.”

It’s not certain if saying no will work though.

“We expect he’ll just keep asking in a louder voice. Enquiring over our command of the English language will happen too. It’s pretty obvious from what Brexiters say, and what their tabloids print that they bizarrely think we can’t.”

The most serious reason for saying no seems to be just objective reality. Something the British government and its elected representatives don’t seem to deal in, or with, anymore.

“She told him,” the aide finished, “he has no need to come here and ask for asylum when he’s already taken over and running one at home.”

Operation Serf ‘n Turf – Plan to keep peasants working and fed after No Deal Brexit leaked

DENNIS THERE’S SOME LOVELY FILTH DOWN ‘ERE : LCD VIEWS has the scoop today after a traitor in the civil service LEAKED government contingency planning for the post No Deal Brexit reality.

“It may have been a remoaning MP who has somehow survived the Johnson era purge,” our Food Fight specialist comments, “but either way it’s incredibly reassuring to read the detail of how people will not only survive, but just about manage faced with the exciting opportunities presented by Brexit.”

Tangible benefits of the plan will see Global Britain maintain an employment rate the envy of the industrialised world.

“The lottery system is a stroke of genius,” our specialist notes, “this will stop complaints of favouritism as voters are renamed ‘serfs’ and distributed as an indentured labour supply to elected members of the House of Commons. The indenture only lasts the term of any individual’s natural life and higher rate tax payers will not be assigned, but be allowed to be overseers. If they don’t manage to flee with their assets sewn into their hems before the lottery is held.”

This is clearly a masterstroke. This will stop complaints from Corbyn supporting plebs that they’ve been assigned to work Jacob Rees-mogg’s turf, and vice versa. It will ensure the happiness index is always happy. Don’t blame the government, blame the lottery! Blame lady luck!

Supplies of sufficient agricultural land are also certain. Under the plans the government will take back control of commons and green spaces across the UK and give them to MPs for their peasants to till.

“This will also keep even the most radicalised of pro-EU MPs on side as they suddenly find themselves feudal lords with an endless supply of labour that will be paid by allowing said workers to spend one afternoon a week growing their own food.”

And don’t think organised religion has been forgotten.

“The Church of England and that Catholic lot will see their holy places reconsecrated as temples in the Church of Brexit. Fraser Nelson will be the Pope. They really have thought of everything.”

But just to be clear, the serf is obvious in the plan, but the turf is what you will work, not what you will eat. Pick up your hoe and make the most of the exciting opportunities of the post Brexit landscape!

Global Britons! We stay home now and work.

UK’s wurst BRAT BORIS at risk of eating humble sour kraut after Germans BIZARRELY take him at his WURD!

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE KIDDING MR JOHNSON IF YOU THINK YOU’VE WON THE BREXIT WAR?

The question is on the minds of many of the EU’s power brokers today after a leak reveals the unrelenting bluff and twaddle from Downing Street has caused Chancellor Merkel to say “Genug”.

While many Tory Brexiters are still holding out for a last minute charge of the light brigade in the form of the German carmakers, it seems the German leader has made her selection from Mr Johnson’s 50/50 “Do or Die?” choice for the UK’s economy.

And she’s not alone. In fact she has twenty six friends to count on versus the UK’s none.

“Bit bloody baffling,” a source close to Mr Johnson’s hairunstyler told LCD Views, “we’re shell shocked, I don’t mind admitting it. The Germans appear ready to take back control of Brexit. But don’t they remember two world wars and one World Cup? Well, two world cups now, although I doubt the Germans paid much attention to the One Day Cricket World Cup, which explains why they did so poorly in it.”

It’s not just team Johnson that are in lockdown today attempting to find a lie to convince the Germans Boris isn’t bluffing, when everyone can see Boris is almost certainly bluffing.

“We don’t have a choice now,” the source revealed, “we’ve either got to try and crash the UK out of the EU before the October 31st deadline, something that our dark money backers will orgasm over, or backdown? I reckon we need to focus on shifting the blame first and foremost. It’s the fault of remoaners. Yeah. Merkel is listening to them and not the party of government.”

As to how the Telegraph will deal with the news, having broken it, our newsroom is certain.

“They’re going to revel in a long overdue No Shit Sherlock award before going back to printing whatever propaganda bollocks Downing Street requests of it.”

UK : Man says he’ll set fire to the Wicker Man himself if everyone will just get inside with him

The prime minister of the United Kingdom, who has a record of doing what he says he will that’s as credible as norovirus promising a pleasant cruise on a ship, recorded a high production value video earlier today to make a tantalising offer.

“Look, we’re all completely punch drunk on nostalgia for the good old days,” the PM told a country having a hard time remaining a country, “and so we want to burn the modern world. You want to burn it because you don’t like hearing funny voices in public. I want to burn it because it distracts from my estranged wife’s cancer treatment while I work out how to get my young girlfriend credibility. So here’s my offer, I’ll set fire to our Wicker Man myself if everyone in the United Kingdom will just get inside with me.”

The offer, with its old world appeal (about 2000 BC) certainly set the room alight. Mostly because of the opportunity it seemed to offer to certain people in the room who wanted to see the man burn, while setting fire to the country.

Why set fire to your country? Because that’s what respecting the result of the referendum means. We all know this now. Either you expect to gain financially or politically, or both.

”It’s going to play exceptionally well with the country,” a BBC reporter is likely to tweet later about the PM’s offer, “the noble self sacrifice of a leader who has delivered on the overwhelming mandate delivered by the country to burn itself to cinders. I can’t see how anyone could fail to acknowledge the nobility of the offer.”

Various prominent men were also quick to take up the offer.

”I’ll strike the bally match for him! What ho! What a hoot!” a Nosferatu tribute act told us, “and then I’ll seize the reigns of power and impregnate the land with feudalism and rule the serfs with a rod of iron.”

How could any of this possibly go wrong? Especially as the burning is currently scheduled for Halloween.

French windows will be banned after no deal Brexit

French windows are a cultural abomination, says the government. In a new cultural purity drive, all European influences in Britain’s architecture will be banned.

“It’s cultural appropriation!” thundered Government wonk Tim Berframe. “This great country, this England, must return to English architecture, and only traditional English construction and features! French windows are, well, right out of the window.”

The cultural purity drive is all-consuming. Dutch gables have also been proscribed, and all buildings possessing one will be demolished.

“It’s the only way,” explained Berframe. “Brexit means Brexit. If we are going to break free from Europe, then it must be all or nothing!”

Berframe lists building materials that will be banned following No Deal. “Bricks, they are a Roman invention,” he said, ticking them off on his stubby fingers. “So is concrete. Steel, the bloody Romans as well, and modern steel was invented in Prague, so that’s out. Only indigenous materials may be used, like mud and sticks.”

Brexit means we will all have to live in mud huts. “Yes, Wattle and daub is hugely underrated. English windows may be unglazed for ventilation, but you may use glass if you want, that’s English,” interjected Berframe. “And wooden shutters. But absolutely no Venetian blinds!”

Meanwhile there is the important issue of what to do with all the French windows. “Send ‘em back!” retorts Berframe. “Remove them at once. Spray the polluted area with a decontaminant. Replace them with those dangly plastic things your granny used to have. Take the French windows to France. Their windows, their problem!

Berframe foresees a time when every Briton will make a last pilgrimage to the Continent of Evil™ with all their Roman bricks, Italian marble, German skirtings, IKEA furniture, and French windows naturally. They will be stranded on the other side, unless they own a fine English Morgan of course. “We need to invoke the Dunkirk Spirit!” said Berframe happily.

If French windows are out, then French fries, French kissing and French letters cannot be far behind. It is rumoured that Dawn French has had to go into hiding.

Telegraph poll reveals 648395392% of British voters think the Black Death is price worth paying for Brexit

BRING OUT YOUR DEAD, FOR BREXIT : Great news for patriots who want to dismantle modern life as we know it today with the latest poll from hard right, tax haven serving, US neocon enabling, shitrag propaganda outfit, The Daily Telegraph.

“So many British people want Brexit they’re prepared for millions and millions more of them than actually exist to die to achieve it,” Telegraph poll expert, Mr Soulle Sold, told their sister publication, LCD Views (one of us was adopted from an adoption service for little baby Satans made in Hell, and we know who).

The poll result will be a boost for the beleaguered administration of Boris “shagger” Johnson, struggling daily to get enough people to buy their lies in the hope of making a killing.

“Efforts are underway now to capture some squirrels from the North American wild reservoir of the famous disease, yersini pestis, and bottle up a sample and then get it to the lab and modify it into a form readily contagious to humans.”

In expectation of the mass plague event the Gove-rnment is reportedly spending £5bn pounds on wheelbarrows and carts big enough to carry your average village’s fresh dead to pits.

“It’s not just cattle, sheep and random alpacas that will be on the burning countryside pyres to make a success of No Deal Brexit when winter harries Mighty Britannia in late 2019,” Mr Soulle Sold commented, “but readily infected, hard working British men, women and children.”

But critics have been quick to point out that polling firm ConRes, contracted to conduct the poll, maybe guilty of asking leading questions designed to achieve the result.

“The question in the poll was, ‘Would you support everyone’s best friend Boris ending parliamentary democracy in the United Kingdom in order to achieve No Deal Brexit, if it got you in the pants of someone you’ve ached privately to shag like forever, and instantly made you a multiple millionaire by magic?’, which is not misleading and very straightforward, in my estimation,” Mr Sold shrugged.

To make transmission of the Black Death more effective patriots are asked to stand especially close to anyone who looks peekish in coming weeks and to bathe in their bodily fluids as they explode out of the traditional, British pustules in their armpits.

“Oh, and their groins.”

Yes, and their haemorrhaging groins.

Brexit, let’s make a success of it, no matter what the cost. Tax dodgers are depending on it.

Remainers expecting to take the credit if Brexit goes really well

Dire warnings about Brexit have been plentiful recently. Both remainers and experts are agreed – Brexit is a crock of shit. Remainers expect to be blamed for it. But what if Brexit goes really well? That will be our fault too, remainers say.

Spokes-webmaster for the ‘Remain Is Best, Honest!’ group on Facepalm is Suki Tupp. She has seen the remain community blamed for everything from wet weather to England not winning the World Cup last time out.

“I’m sick of being the scapegoat for everybody and everything,” wrote Tupp on a recent group post. “Everything is our fault, apparently, so it’s about time we took credit for some of the good stuff too.”

Like the summer weather. “The hottest day on record is down to us remainers,” she continued. “Since all the heatstroke-related incidents are our fault somehow!”

Ditto the torrential rainstorms. “That dam that was close to breaking, that was blamed on us,” she wrote. “So let’s take credit for the successful remedial action, and in the wider scheme of things, England’s green and pleasant land! So far removed from the scorched-earth leavers.”

Then Brexit of course. “Naturally, a group of concerned citizens in cyberspace, as far removed from the corridors of power as Boris Johnson’s humility, has no influence upon government policy,” she states. “We think it’s undeliverable; therefore they say this is due to our lack of belief. But what if Brexit is a resounding success after all?”

Tupp left a dramatic pause in her post at this point, then resumed getting to the point very slowly indeed.

“What if we were all wrong? What if Brexit is all that was promised, and more?” she asks rhetorically. “Will it still be our fault?”

A question to which nobody had an adequate reply. Loyal remainers didn’t want to admit to being wrong, ever. Leavers on the page hated the suggestion that their victory was to someone else’s credit.

We won, you lost, but in fact we all won, and the losers take the spoils. Suck it up.

Worthing beach closed after man seen disposing of hazardous material

Life’s a beach! Summer holidays have been cut short because a suspicious individual left even more suspicious stuff on the shore.

Families in Worthing are at their wits’ ends. “There’s no way I can keep the kids out of the arcades now,” complained mum Enda Matether. “It’s hard enough to persuade them to have another donkey ride without rumours of dodgy characters on the front!”

The dodgy character is described as being male, blond, and distinctly upper class. He is believed to have left a lethal substance half buried in the sand.

Local police have been investigating. “Evening all,” remarked PC Gonmadd, waving his truncheon suggestively. “The beach is out of bounds until further notice. There’s some nasty stuff down there, and I don’t mean the donkey poo!”

The noxious fumes emanating from the beach have already had an impact on the town. The smell has driven away all the eastern European plumbers and barmaids. There is an unpleasant odour of smog and rationing. Parts of Worthing have turned black-and-white. It’s like a return to the 1950s, though how you can tell in Worthing is hard to say.

Things have become so bad that the holidaymakers of Worthing are considering bringing in an expert.

“I mean, the police are stretched to breaking point already,” moaned Matether. “Several keyboard warriors, three have a go heroes and a retired colonel have all tried to tackle it. All are convinced that they have what it takes.”

“It was no good,” said Gonmadd. “The warriors returned, white-faced, whispering ‘project fear’. The heroes proposed a technological solution, and the colonel declared it was all for the best. But none of them could shift it!”

Meanwhile, the blond saboteur left a trail of innuendo and seaside postcards. “He was in and out of my back door in a flash,” reminisced landlady Holly Day-Romance. “I said, do you come here often? He said, no, but I’d love to come again!”

Anyone wishing to stop this nonsense should apply, in their best copperplate handwriting, to the Queen, Buckingham Palace, London.