Don’t panic: The covid-19 outbreak has led to an outbreak of common sense. The cabinet is united, and wants to cancel Brexit immediately.
Pandemic panic aside, why the change of heart? Boris Johnson took to Twitter this morning to explain.
“The evidence of the last few weeks is enough for me,” he wrote. “The public cannot cope with ambiguous and frequently contradictory statements. So I’m really going to be clear now. No. More. Brexit. No more uncertainty. We will apply to rejoin the EU, no hard feelings old chap, and continue as part of a larger, united whole.”
Other cabinet members were equally forthright.
“I must say I’m delighted,” chirped an ecstatic Michael Gove. “It’s the outcome we always desired. We have always believed that we are stronger together. Vive la EU!”
“It’s such a good move for the economy,” claimed Chancellor Rishi Sunak. “We are going to put the entire population on furlough, with full pay, for the rest of the year. Even after the coronavirus issue has passed, this will give us an opportunity to rebuild society and fractured communities. Hurrah!”
“Germany has shown us the way to run a health service,” claimed Matt Hancock soberly. “We will absorb these lessons through our EU membership, and in future we promise to fund our precious NHS properly. What price a healthy nation?”
“It’s thoroughly splendid to welcome back free movement,” smirked Priti Patel. “This great country has always attracted the brightest and best from across the globe, the cross fertilisation of ideas and cultures on this beautiful island is what makes us world leaders. Open the borders, welcome people with open arms (once the current restrictions are lifted, ha ha). Open Britain is Global Britain!”
“I will never have to get mixed up over Dover and Calais ever again!” sighed Dominic Raab. “I can let the EU deal with the details and just deal with broad brush stuff myself. Phew!”
Chris Grayling was too busy failing to organise a piss-up in a long-closed brewery to celebrate his birthday to comment.
Happy April 1st everybody!