Nigel Farage to cut ribbon to open first port-a-loo by Kent roadside

ET TU PORT-A-LOO : BRITAIN’S MOST FAMOUS PATRIOT, NIGEL FARAGE, HAS BEEN GIFTED A REWARD FOR HIS TIRELESS SERVICE TO IRISH RE-UNIFICATION AND SCOTTISH, WELSH AND CORNISH INDEPENDENCE.

“It’s only fitting that a man who sung famous, patriotic songs in his youth should now see himself in his middle years standing next to a portable toilet,” a spokesman for the committee responsible told LCD Views.

And while some long faces have begun asking who has the contract for the miles of port-a-loos to be installed in Kent, Cummings or a former aide to Liz Truss, or even Robert Jenrick? Any right thinking person has their mind focused on Nigel and the opening ceremony.

“There ceremony will showcase modern Britain to the world,” the spokesman continued, “a giant toilet rapidly filling up with all variety of crap. And we did it all ourselves. This is total national sovereignty in action.”

And it’s not just the cutting of the ribbon that is rousing enthusiasm, other prominent promoters of Brexit will be honoured too.

“The toilets will be named after those who have done the most to bring about Brexit,” the spokesman enthused, “you may choose to lose a stool in David Davis, Jacob Rees-mogg or wave your Johnson low in the Johnson. The options are endless.”

Corporate sponsorship will also be sought for what will be eye-catching installations.

“Imagine crapping in a Dyson? It’s not just Brexiters that will come running. That opportunity will see remainers happy to use the port-a-loos too. A unifying experience.”

We wish Nigel well for the ceremony, planned for January 1st 2021. We only ask that the first toilet to be opened be called the Jacob Rees-bogg.

UK Gov careers website advises “books” retrain as “firewood”

FAHRENHEIT 451 : The UK government website that advises people seeking work on how to retrain has received a lot of attention in recent days.

The surge of visits have been prompted by hotshot, whiz kid, flavour of the month, but soon to sour, UK Chancellor Rishi Sunak’s big shrug of the shoulders when asked what people facing unemployment should do.

Clearly expecting an inheritance millionaire to be able to answer the question was daft, and people were wrong to answer it. But at least the website is there to help, and Rishi Sunak was right to direct people to it.

And it’s not just people who have been visiting.

Now that the UK has made the shift into a fantasy landscape, powered solely by magically thinking, thanks to Brexit, inanimate objects are also logging on and taking the quiz.

“I decided my future looks pretty dicey with the erosion of rule of law and democracy,” a book told LCD Views, “so I figured I better seek alternatives. It was the right choice. The careers website had some excellent options for me to pursue.”

It seems after taking the quiz, which focuses predominately on a barfly’s idea of psychoanalysis, and little else, the book was given two options to seriously consider.

“Both are a lot more exciting than sitting on a shelf waiting for someone to pick me up,” the book enthused, “which is what I do with the majority of my time presently.”

And what was the advice?

“Firewood,” the book replied, “that was the best match. Or as the website called the job ‘Outdoor heating and entertainment specialist, as the centrepiece of re-education festivities to best enable the chosen people to take advantage of the opportunities of Brexit’. It was wordy, like me, and I knew it exactly what it meant. Which is not something everyone says about me presently.”

I’m the greatest PM ever, but the public is just too complacent, says Boris Johnson

FLOAT LIKE A BEE, STING LIKE A BUTTERFLY: I’m the greatest, claims Boris Johnson. The only reason that the country is on its knees is that the public don’t realise it yet.

“I told the public to Stay Alert,” Johnson argued. “But they didn’t do what I said, did they? No, they went back to work, started drinking in pubs again, and ate out to help out. The public just does what it likes with no consideration of the consequences.”

Unfortunately the public is so confused by the ever shifting regulations that they tend to fall back on British Common Sense. Which usually means doing what you want to.

If only, Prime Minister, you had rebuked Dominic Cummings for breaking lockdown, and fined your father for ignoring the rules.

“Yes, well, no, well, I’m a busy man,” he stammered. “Err… wiff waff, isn’t this just like the Siege of Athens, where Aeschylus dragged a Minotaur up to the gates, and Helen of Troy turned a thousand ships to stone with a single glance, and Icarus fell from the sky because aeroplanes hadn’t been invented yet?”

For a details man, some of the details are a little less than accurate there.

“I have spent ten, yes ten, long years, single handedly turning back the tide of the last Labour government!” he cried, in an attempt to get back on the front foot.

In other words, your policies have been ineffective, if Labour is still more powerful than ten years of Conservatism.

“I got Brexit done!” he insisted. “Against all the odds! My oven ready deal, which…”

Which you then voted against…

“…which did exactly what it said on the tin…”

Serving suggestion?

“…and delivered what the people want! Signed, sealed, delivered, I’m yours!” he concluded.

It still splits the UK up. Northern Ireland will effectively remain in the EU.

“You can’t make an omelette without breaking legs,” he bluffed, grasping at straws. “Or kneecaps, you know what the Paddies are like. Anyway it’s all the fault of the public, they voted for this!”

The blame game. One thing Boris Johnson is genuinely good at.

Boris Johnson to return 30% of UK to wilderness by paying Serco millions to plant one tree

LORD OF THE LIES : BORIS JOHNSON has another big promise for the side of his famous bus this week with the promise to return 30% of the UK to wilderness.

“It’ll make our version of the Hunger Games (to come) after Brexit much more exciting,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “imagine skinny school leavers hiding behind trees, while being hunted down by ruddy cheeked, well fed, posh kids who have had Covid tests?”

The actual mechanism of the return to wilderness will of course be Brexit.

“We’re reliving the 80’s and Thatcher’s not exactly always creative destruction of traditional industries. Those industries that sprung up as a result, we’re going to now destroy them. It’s levelling. We destroyed the north and the midlands. Now we’re destroying the south. It’s fantastic. Really exciting and a great way to enlarge your property portfolio.”

But critics have pointed out that merely ending auto manufacturing and the aerospace industry won’t hit the 30% target.

“That’s why we’re destroying the financial district too. Imagine a temperate rain forest in the middle of London in which you can go hunting? It will be fantastic. You’ve had an overly long meeting with your lawyer and accountant about creative ways to lower your tax bill, then you can just step across the road and go and shoot something. Basically it’s a wet dream for us in government.”

There will of course also be tangible benefits for members of the public.

“When you lose your home you can go and sleep in a forest. Not a bad deal. Think of it as a staycation. Just another tangible benefit of Brexit. And for those bellyaching critics who say it’s just another big announcement and nothing will happen. You want until you see how much Serco is going to charge to plant a tree.”

Surrey to build a wall and make Kent pay for it

SURREY SEEMS TO BE THE HARDEST WORD: A local boundary dispute has got out of hand. The catastrophic mismanagement of, well, everything has led to another government red line. Across southeast England.

There are goodies and baddies in any dispute. In this case it is unclear which is which, although it is clear that they should be kept apart. The UK wants to jettison Kent in lieu of constructing proper border infrastructure, and the stockbrokers don’t want filthy market traders on their doorstep.

So the only answer is a wall. Not a nice neat suburban picket fence, but an insecure upper middle class twelve foot fuck off job topped with barbed wire and broken glass.

And the angry suburbanites will insist that the plebs fork out to protect their investment.

It should also protect the snobbishly named home counties from the EU. Now that Brexit has ironically ensured that the EU is allowed incursions into England, Surrey has become frontier country. It alone will try to hold back the continental evils of rabies, garlic, and proportional representation.

A trouble shared is a trouble doubled. And expect paramilitary commuters to battle guerrilla hop pickers for control of Sevenoaks in the next few months as supplies dwindle.

One man inevitably on the losing side is Nigel Farage. The Kentish Brexit evangelist finds himself on the wrong side of the divide. Thanks to EU-wide freedom of movement, it is perfectly legal to migrate from the continent to Dover. And the Brexit he sold us has landed him straight back in the EU. If he loves England so much, he should move there.

East Sussex is also considering its position. Ultimately it should decide that its position is on the South coast, hemmed in by West Sussex, the County of Free Surrey, and the EU.

And the Garden of England will be no more. Instead, it will become the Garden of Europe.

Man tasked with making a success of Brexit privately thinks it’s shit

BLAGATHON MARATHON : A man who applied to work at the highest levels on Brexit is said to privately think it’s a shit idea.

The individual concerned is said to be a middle aged, Russian taxpayer funded “blonde stud” whose private life would be a Daily Mail front page shame festival day in and out if he’d gone to a state school.

“He’s not really sure why he wanted to work on Brexit anymore,” an imagined fly on the wall told LCD Views, “he lays awake at night worrying over his supply of claret and will there be shortages in 2021? Then he starts to sweat and panic.”

How the individual concerned ever convinced himself it was a good idea to begin with is of course the subject of speculation by colleagues.

“Delusions of grandeur most likely,” a made up aide suggested, “the delusions are there to paper over the deep cracks of insecurity in his underlying psychological strata. But they’ve been stuck on so long he’s lost sight of that. And he was naturally born with the gift of the gab. He should have been a dodgy second hand car salesman. The spotlight has exposed his inadequacies.”

But what will he do about it now? Why doesn’t he just quit?

“He’s promised so much to so many to get the job he’s in a real bind now. But the first chance he gets he’s out of there. He disproves the Peter principle though. He kept rising well past his level of incompetence.”

What should he be working on?

“Sales. That’s all. But not the actual running of the corporation. He’s like a venture capital funded CEO of an aggressive digital start up whose sole talent is selling ideas to people, but who is clearly not suited to implementing complex business plans. Now he’s just going to lose everyone an awful amount of money.”

He should have stuck to sales?

“Yes. Of horseshit.”

Breaking the law is completely legal, says Boris Johnson

I FOUGHT THE LAW: And since I control the law, the law lost. Therefore, argues Boris Johnson’s Downing Street source, it is now legal to break the law.

Johnson may be a dead duck in charge of an exhausted white elephant that has long outgrown its room. But the indefatigable “Classic” Dom Cummings has plenty more dead cats to fling at the mass media vultures in the expectation that they continue to look the other way.

This is the Cummings Effect in full cry. The tail has been wagging the dog for a very long time now. Lockdown failed because Cummings was allowed to break the rules and the country followed suit. Now law and order could follow.

“Why were you driving at 120mph on the wrong side of the road, sir?”

“I know it’s illegal, officer, but it’s only breaking the law in a very specific and limited way.”

“On your way then, sir!”

Rules are made to be broken, and the Crime Minister and his cronies are driving a juggernaut through them. Expect a wave of specific and limited crimes, with the unanswerable defence “But the government…”.

Johnson has set a precedent. Breaking the law is now legal, and lawlessness could well result. Anarchy In The UK is tipped to be this year’s Christmas Number One.

This is a logical corollary of the very illogical Brexit. Break links, break agreements, break treaties, break communities, break dancing, break laws. Get the country spinning on its head so rapidly that nobody knows what’s really going on. Distract, distract, distract, so that nobody realises that the only true objective of Brexit was to wreck the country in order to make a quick buck.

Until it’s too late.

But the negative, anti-democratic, crybaby, loser, remoaner, enemies of the people have delayed Brexit for so long, and made so much noise about it, that the blatant corruption is obvious to all.

Power corrupts. And Cummings is aiming for absolute power.

Operation Sunshot : Government launches project to fire UK into the face of the Sun

TANGIBLE BENEFIT OF BREXIT : THE UK government IS determined to show not just the tyrannical EU imperial superstate what it can do with recovered sovereignty, but the entire galaxy.

Speaking at a special televised address, before attending a bunga bunga party held at the Italian villa of a Russian-British Tory donor, temporary Prime Minister Boris Johnson announced the solar system beating project.

“We’ve already begun!” he announced, “I realised Operation Moonshit, I mean, Moonshot, was not ambitious enough. Mere mortals aim for the Moon. My Britannia aims for the Sun! And on her winged chariot she will fly!”

There followed a fairly incoherent series of classical allusions to Daedalus and Icarus, and Prometheus, and Theseus (something about shopping for wool), the Titans, Odin got a nod, Gorgon, Midas, Superfluous and Nonsensicus, before the Prime Minister returned to his central mission.

“Now that we are FREE of the EU’s well of gravity we can go anywhere. We can do trade deals with the Inedians! But to do this! To grasp the fiery nettle we must go and find them where they live. So I say to you, fellow travellers on my blazing barque, we are going to the Sun! Sol nostri populus volo caseus!

The journey is expected to be relatively swift with the UK arriving at the surface of the Sun on the 1st of January 2021.

“We will not burn up!” (we will)

“We will thrive out of Earth’s orbit!” (we won’t)

“The meddling technocrats of the EU will watch the climax of our journey with envy!” (they won’t)

“Get hurling the UK into the face of the Sun done!” Mr Johnson finished, “nothing can stop us!” (except the continuous nuclear explosion of the Sun).

Sovereignty now one of the main food groups, according to government

Millions of starving patriots are being kept alive by the miracle of Brexit. They are being nourished by the newly defined wonder food, Sovereignty, while they wait for fish quotas to revert to British fishermen.

The Government is following the science here, and the scientists have been paid to say the right things. Sovereignty, they say, is more nutritious and delicious than fish and chips, a skinful of cheap lager, and a cheeky kebab on the way home.

“That is the diet that made Britain great!” gushed gastronomic genius Ed Sheph. “The healthy glow that comes of an intake of carbs, alcohol, fat and salt is world renowned, world beating, even, dare I say it!”

There’s nothing like gammon. But, we asked, what’s the best way to serve Sovereignty?

“Sovereignty is a dish best served cold,” replied Sheph. “If heated, it can lead to arguments breaking out. And overcooked Sovereignty makes you look ridiculous. It’s best taken with a pinch of salt.”

Small portions, or large?

“The bigger the better,” said Sheph. “Large amounts of Sovereignty make you literally swell with pride! But be careful, it can be addictive, and overindulgence can lead to sleeping with a Union Jack in bed with you.”

We wondered what exactly was The Science behind making Sovereignty one of the main food groups.

“Actually, it’s now the ONLY food group,” Sheph admitted. “In fact, it’s now the most important substance in the world. Ultra patriots have been known to quit their job, sell their home, and take off their clothes so that they may spend eternity basking in Sovereignty. If there was any integrity remaining in government scientists, they might suspect these individuals to be mentally disturbed, deranged and deluded. As well as denuded.”

The starving millions desperate for the delayed food supplies only have themselves to blame. A little belief, a little more faith in Brexit, and the Sovereignty could have been theirs too.

Sovereignty is available in boil in the bag, oven ready and half baked varieties.

SHOCK at discovery Boris Johnson’s ‘Oven Ready Brexit’ was a lie!

OVEN READY TOILET : THE UK is said to be in a state of severe shock today after the discovery that bears shit in the woods.

The alarming new information began to trickle out across social media platforms last night as first the FT, and then other outlets, raised the alarm.

“I built a special lean to with a bear toilet in it,” George Eustice, Environment Secretary, told LCD Views, “it has specially oversized toilet paper, one of those little 70’s carpet type things around the bowl and everything. Why would a bear not use it?”

The Right Hon George wasn’t the only one in shock. At the time of going to print medics were considering whether or not to place the entirety of the UK in a controlled coma.

The bear who is said to have been observed shitting in the woods and causing the alarm has been described by witnesses as :

  • Mid-50’s
  • Dyed, generally unruly blonde hair
  • Shabby of coat with a preference for anthropomorphising itself by dressing up in ill fitting human clothes – essentially appears to be an old fashioned circus animal, which has escaped.
  • Prolific breeder

“Maybe the clue is in the outfits?” David Davis, keen observer of bear shit, told LCD Views, “I mean I know I’m famously thick as mince, but you don’t expect to teach a bear to wear man clothes and then find it shitting in the woods?”

Specialists will be consulted to attempt to explain the phenomenon in due course, but the rule of thumb appears to be ‘If his lips are moving, he’s lying”.