Sunak reveals himself looking for answers to the UK’s problems

DAY IN AND DAY OUT : THE UK’S OUTGOING PRIME MINISTER, RISHI “THE HAMMER” SUNAK, HAS RELEASED TOUCHING, PERSONAL PHOTOS OF HOW HE WORKS ON THE UK’S BIGGEST PROBLEMS.

The photos are all in a classy black and white, chosen not only for the artistic panache that brings, but to symbolise the old world ideas to class and international relations his government engenders.

“We wanted the Great British public to see Rishi how he works,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views. “We want people to see the authentic Sunak, not the vulture capitalist that it’s too easy to mistake him for. Your priorities are his priorities. Most notably, your bank account.”

The series of images do display an impressive athletic side to the pint sized dynamo PM that many would not have suspected.

“It’s not all just trying to work out how to be meaner to vulnerable groups to please Daily Mail gobshites,” the spokesman informs, “it’s not just about imagining what does Nigel Farage really want? And then making it policy without any care for the unintended, and often intended, consequences. No, a lot of time is spent quietly contemplating what’s inside the man himself and how that could be used as inspiration for governance.”

Early views of the photos do seem to have raised an appreciative eyebrow or two.

“I thought here he was, Dishy, just emulating the cackhanded efforts of the other Tory PMs since 2010. You know, telling the electorate you’re going to be cruel and then setting about doing it, while personally enriching yourself. But it seems there is more to it,” one voter commented, “he’s not just a man of metaphor old Fishy, when people say he’s got his head up his arse, they actually mean it!”

The PM’s posture is, without any doubt, not only a classic Tory power stance, but the explanation for all of the UK’s problems. Just good luck if you’re waiting on him for any answers.

Ministers ordered to say “Salad days” in interviews to combat fresh food shortages

FOOD FIGHT : 10 Downing Street is determined to build on its tangible successes in combat with the EU this week, by wreaking havoc on the home front.

As reports of fresh produce shortages continue, your unelected PM, Dishi Fishy Rishi, is not pausing in gorging at his political banquet. He’s grabbing what’s in front of him with both hands and shovelling it into his maw. Just as soon as he can get the platinum spoon, he was born with, out of the way.

“So what if you can’t get any tomatoes due to a seismic event on Mount Fuji?” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views. “So what if any fresh produce you can obtain mysteriously rots in the shopping bag before you get home? You have your freedom back. Freedom to choose which mouldy lemon you make lemonade with. They can’t say that in Europe. If you’re so bothered over starving you should have got elected to parliament.”

However, concerns continue that some people may notice the reduction in choice while shopping.

“Why people are wasting money on food when they have energy firms to enrich is beyond us,” the spokesman admitted. “But for some baffling reason half starving a half frozen population seems to be hitting us in the polls. Privately we blame Labour. It’s not enough to keep validating Brexit for us, they have to demand the recalcitrant EU sends us food aid.”

How to combat the public perception that not being able to achieve the coveted ‘five a day’ means the UK is in a bad place, in spite of all its sovereignty?

“Words. Words always deal with reality,” the spokesman is confident. “This is why Downing Street has ordered all ministers to start saying ‘these are Great Britain’s salad days’ in interviews. And to do it all week!”

“Get Salad Done!” is also being planned for deployment, alongside “Salad Means Salad!”.

“Seeing doesn’t have the be believing,” the spokesman added. “You can decide your country’s entire future by just closing your eyes and picturing a lettuce.”

Sunak to remind EU fruit and veg suppliers they “Need us more than we need them”

GREAT BRITISH RATIONS : The UK’s world beating Prime Minister, Rishi Sunak, is expected to easily resolve the Great British fresh food crisis, just as soon as he learns about it.

“The PM has a lot on his to-do list,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “what with the mess the last Labour government left the British fresh produce sector in. But I can reassure the public just as soon as whoever does his grocery shopping sees an empty basket in the Harrods fresh produce section, he will be alerted, and he will take action.”

What form the action will take is yet to be determined because the PM is yet to recognise the problem, but the smart money is on a combination of a “hi-vis walkabout in a polytunnel, while a Spitfire flies overhead and with a lot of meaningful pointing at where tomorrow’s tomatoes will be.”

In the interim the public is advised not to “riot at Aldi” and to sing any song “by Elgar”.

But Sunak may not have the luxury of time as Labour are calling on the government to “march right into Brussels” and “make Brexit work”, just like they would, clearly, “because it’s not a populist fraud” and definitely something everyone should still keep agreeing with was a democratic decision, in spite of the reluctance of the government to make public knowledge or foreign interference.

“I don’t know why everyone is in such a lather over tomatoes,” the spokesman added. “They’re a foreign fruit and we don’t like anything foreign anymore, except for confidential loans from friends overseas. This crisis will soon be followed by another, so why is everyone getting so worked up about it? Save your energy for the next crisis.”

In the mean time LCD Views urges the PM to immediately phone Brussels and remind them that “their fresh fruit and veg growers need us more than we need them!”.

Bank of England raises interest rates rather than admit UK is governed by idiots

TWELVE YEARS AND COUNTING THE COST : The Old Lady of Threadneedle Street has done her part again today to ensure strong and stable government by raising interest rates to 3%.

“While it’s clear a graduated return to more historically normal interest rates would be smarter,” a fictional Bank spokesman told LCD Views, “we prefer to place millions of mortgage holders in front of the fire and watch them sweat.”

The stated reason for the interest rate rise is an attempt to get a grip on the UK’s world leading inflation.

“People are engaging in a truly reckless credit splurge,” the spokesman said. “They’re spending on food, heating, transport and the like. Some are even buying their children clothes on credit. It’s incredibly irresponsible and we have to step in.”

The other reasons given are the Pandemic and the War. It’s obvious these are unhelpful, allied to the Chinese closure of its economy so the President there can enjoy moving over a billion people around like tiny pieces on his giant chessboard.

“There is of course one UK specific factor that is an accelerant on our inflation rates and assisting in slamming us into a very long recession.”

Which is?

“I’m not allowed to mention it.”

Go on.

“I can’t. It’s forbidden. Just head over to the BBC and read an article on the economy. You won’t find any mention of it.”

Why can’t you mention what you won’t mention?

“Because to do so would be to mention the massive scat cherry on top of a giant scat layer cake which is twelve years of bad policy choices.”

Can you give us a hint?

“You know which idiots have been in charge.”

No. I know that. I mean what is the massive scat cherry on top of twelve years of terrible Tory policies?

“You say it and I’ll blink once for yes and two for no.”

Brexit.

Blink and you’ll miss it. In compliant UK media articles and the political establishment. You can’t miss it in your household expenses.

OUTRAGE after English Channel renamed “English Chanel” on updated EU maps

THE TANGY SMELL OF SOVEREIGNTY : FURY IN 10 DOWNING STREET today after the TYRANNICAL EUROCRATS IN BRUSSELS took aim at ONE OF BRITAIN’S GREATEST ACHIEVEMENTS.

The latest stink rising over relations between the SOVEREIGN UNITED KINGDOM and the FAILING, UNDEMOCRATIC SUPERSTATE is wafting up from an update to EU navigational maps.

“It just shows how they’ve still not resigned themselves to the British peoples’ democratic decision following the advice of a criminally corrupted, advisory referendum to make Nigel Farage’s fever dream reality,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views.

“Things will never improve for the European Union until they accept that we have left and bought ourselves a sports car. It’s just embarrassing how they follow around after us in that beaten up old station wagon with the kids screaming in the back. Have some self-respect.”

But responding to the even handed and self controlled criticism from the INVENTOR OF DEMOCRACY the EU were typically peevish.

“As far as we can discern you’ve used your sovereignty to fill the seas around your country with raw sewage. That’s the sum total of your achievements? Frankly it stinks. A little perfume centred joke on our part is the least of your concerns. Not to mention your attitude to refugees, which frankly stinks too, and that’s an understatement.”

It’s unclear yet what measures Downing Street will take over the latest cynical OUTRAGE from the Continent, but it’s believed the Home Office is drawing up plans to extend British sewage pipes all the way to France.

“That will show them who is boss,” the Downing Street spokesman chuckled, “when Nigel Farage moves his portaloo from our beaches onto the ones at Calais the EU will really know what they’ve lost.”

In the interim however the government will require mapmakers in the UK to update their charts to reflect the latest RED TAPE FROM BRUSSELS.

“English Chanel is like English Champagne,” the spokesman added, “who needs Europe?”

Minister says people “shouldn’t wait to die” to release “equity from a kidney”

THE LORD HELPS THOSE WHO HELP THEMSELVES : The UK’s latest Secretary of State, Lord Barrowball Furness, has taken steps today to advise “living and breathing Britons” on how best they can help themselves through the current cost of living crisis.

“The beatings will continue until moral improves,” Lord Furness of Spite told the media, and laughed disarmingly. “We here at the newly established Ministry of Economic Death want Britons to know that if you help yourself during the cost of living crisis we will help you. While we can’t shield you totally from the crisis caused by the next Labour government, we will do what we can in an era of necessary austerity.”

The help appears to be innovative too.

“We know some of you are sitting on two perfectly good kidneys. A fat liver. Two functioning lungs and so on. Two fine retinas. If you already have an organ donor card than you’ve made the psychological step required to prosper in Britannia Unchained.”

To this end the Ministry of Death is setting up a digital exchange where ordinary, hardworking Britons can “sell or barter spare organs”.

“There is no concern over the legality of the new measures. The organ exchanges will be based in Charter Cities and you can just hop on a rail replacement bus service and take yourself, and that profitable organ, to the nearest private hospital and get money on the nail. Your rising mortgage repayments will seem trivial next to the payment for a kidney. Just look after your health and the remaining one will see you through.”

To access the newest free market all you will need to do is download the app.

“Download Great British Organs today. Consider how you may profit personally and literally by giving a fellow patriot a helping hand. Wait. Did I say giving? I meant selling. This is what freedom is all about free of the shackles of the sclerotic EU. Sell yourself out today. I know I have and boy is it profitable.”

Downing Street orders crowns printed on petrol pumps to ease fuel cost crisis

A PATRIOTIC PINT OF SUPER PLEASE : 10 Downing Street has allegedly taken some time out today from phoning backbench Tory MPs to threaten them for failing to support the PM, to focus on the cost of living crisis.

The inability to stop the cost of basic necessities rising to aspirational levels is clearly unrelated to any decision made by the ruling Tories, and definitely nothing to do with Brexit.

“Free trade deals with Mars and Jupiter will solve the minor impact of erecting trade barriers with all our former major trading partners,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. ”Brexit is not to blame and a memorandum of understanding with Saturn’s rings will see a dramatic fall in the cost of everyday goods just as soon as a colony is established on them in 2604.”

But Downing Street is impatient for faster gains and so is acting now.

“The growth of the bunting and flag sectors has now been maximised by placing crowns on pint glasses. This is the way we will demonstrate the tangible benefits of Brexit. But it’s not just by taking actions we could have taken as part of the EU. We will smash safety and employment standards, and top that off by making the eyewatering cost of fuel an almost sexual experience for all patriots.”

While the full details are still to be worked out it’s believed the major excitement copies what has happened with pints.

Just imagine how engorged you’ll feel when you see a crown symbol on the petrol pump as you empty your weekly wad into your car? And there is nothing Brussels can do to stop us feeling completely screwed afterwards!”

BREAKING : Downing Street calls in the army to teach poor people to cook

WASTE NOT WANT NOT : 10 Downing Street is said to have emerged from its bunker this morning to charge headfirst at the cost of living crisis and win back the hearts of the people.

“Clearly the PM is not leading the charge as it’s too early in the day,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “but some SPADS and a few random backbenchers are gung ho and have gone over the top. They’ll be into the enemy trenches by lunchtime and you won’t hear the deafening sound of empty plates in the homes of the poor by the evening, anymore!”

The news will encourage millions who are realising that it won’t be a choice between heating or eating soon, as they won’t be able to afford either.

“The main strategic thrust is to call in the army,” the source explains. “This has worked for every weird crisis afflicting the country since Brexit got done. But none of these crises are in anyway related to getting Brexit done. Let’s just be clear about that.”

Under the scheme specially recruited private sector goons will coordinate with the Home Office and the MOD to locate and isolate anyone poor who is spending more than 30p on a single serving of a meal.

“We can’t have poor people just wasting their hard earned money on food,” the source enthuses. “That’s for Tory MPs to do in the subsidised bars and restaurants of Westminster.”

“Just picture it now, some single mother of three who should be celebrating the demonisation of asylum seekers who have come to steal whatever she has left in her larder, who is instead bemoaning the fact she can’t feed her family on dust? Well! Just imagine the look on her face with a crack squad of army cooks appear at her front door and put a bag over her head. The look of surprise on her face when she finds herself standing in a mess tent on the nearest Common will be priceless, just like everyday supplies in the supermarket.”

The operation to re-educate wasteful, layabout poor people has been named Operation Anderson after the Tory MP who inspired the initiative.

Hungry Britons can rest assured that with only the brightest and the best chosen to stand as Tory MPs their incomprehensible ignorance of budget living will soon be a thing of the past.

“Furthermore, this initiative shows the level of aspiration Boris Johnson’s government has for all of you now. Mud. If you can’t make a roast meal out of cheap, readily available soil then you’re letting Britain down and you’ll have the British Army to deal with!”

BREAKING : PM to deny EU single market still exists to fight cost of living crisis

WANDERING DRUNK IN THE DARK IN A CRISIS WITH HIS ZIPPER OPEN SCREAMING FOR A SHAG : THE BRITISH PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON is to make a great stride into combating the cost of living crisis in the UK today, ahead of tomorrow’s local elections.

Concerns have been building within the cabinet for weeks that the British people may baulk at eating each other and it is time to reinforce the exceptional mindset that got us into this pickle to begin with.

“We can’t face reality now,” a 10 Downing Street insider told LCD Views. “If we do the party is over.”

A key part of the strategy in helping the public cope with the new realities will be to accelerate the managed decline in their quality of living to the point where a job churning mud while screaming insults about the French is seen as aspirational.

“The UK media is exceptionally helpful, I will say,” the source says. “They rarely if ever mention Brexit and its vicious impact on the UK economy. Sacrifice for the greater good. That’s what it’s all about. We are now in a period of glorious isolation again. This is how you lead the world. But there is a worry that another calamity may not come along fast enough to hide the impact of the Tories attempt to fashify the UK. The pandemic was a real saving grace just as we got Brexit done. Then the war in Ukraine rode in to cover up for the mismanaged pandemic and Brexit. We’re really praying for an asteroid strike somewhere northern now. I personally spend my sleepless nights watching the sky and praying for it. But as yet there’s no light in the sky growing forever brighter before revealing itself as a screaming fireball headed for Yorkshire. Which is a shame.”

While the government waits for cosmic intervention it can at least continue with the tried and tested technique of denying reality and trust in the media’s assistance.

“Mr Johnson will deny the EU single market and customs union still exists,” the source adds. “That’s one way to deal with the cost of living crisis right there. What good would membership of a massive trading bloc a few miles away possibly do for pensioners who are deciding which of their house plants to eat?”

BREAKING : Dover lorry queue declares independence from U.K. and applies to join EU

A NATION OF TRAFFIC QUEUES : DOWNING STREET’S plans to criminalise UK-EU trade have hit an unexpected obstacle today after the thousands of truckers stuck in Dover decided to declare themselves a nation state and additionally declare universal independence from the United Kingdom.

It was believed by Prime Minister Johnson and Home Secretary Priti Patel that they were about to score an easy PR win in the field of crime and punishment by arresting 10’s of 1,000’s of truck drivers all at once under new laws aimed to make the most of Brexit, and end cross channel trade for good in preference of trade deals with distant Narnia. But the sudden declaration by the truckers has caused “mayhem” inside the Executive.

Speaking to the press this morning the representative of the “The People’s Republic of Truckers” said that they had been “stuck so long in the Brexit tailback” that many had “formed new families and indeed a distinctive and unique cultural identity”. It is thought the first births of babies conceived in the massive and endless customs queue was the trigger to declaring themselves a nation state.

“We will be writing our constitution on red tape,” the representative said, “as it’s the sudden and horrifying growth of Brexit red tape demolishing our once seamless trade links with the Continent that forced the world’s newest nation state into being.”

Quite what the Prime Minister will do is not yet clear, although many believe he will be happy to see the formation of the The People’s Republic of Truckers as it takes care of an unsolvable problem caused by his Brexit.

“We look forward to welcoming the UK’s biggest Instagram celebrity, Liz Truss, to our new country and trust that a comprehensive free trade deal can be agreed in rapid time. But first we have to join the EU so she has to negotiate with Barnier.”