United Kingdom wins Darwin Award

The Darwin Awards are always funny to read about, how some idiot leaned over the edge of a cliff to take a selfie and fell to their doom, or forgot to put the safety catch on while cleaning their gun and shot themselves in the head. But this year’s ceremony will feature something a little different.

This year an award will be presented to an entire country. Specifically the UK will be receiving a Darwin Award for Brexit.

Awards chairman Stu Pidkunz had this to say on the matter:

“We couldn’t overlook the stupidity of an entire nation democratically voting to deprive itself of all its human rights for possibly generations to come. We thought about making 17.4 million individual awards but that wouldn’t work as voting is anonymous and many of the people who voted for Brexit have since died – in some cases as a consequence of their vote already, so those ones should really get special mentions.”

Brexit certainly meets the criteria for the Darwin Awards, namely:

1. It was self-inflicted.
2. It showed astonishingly stupid judgement.
3. The population were capable of sound judgement but still went for it.

The only question mark against the award is the injury of innocent bystanders, as many people voted against Brexit or abstained, and they are going to suffer through no fault of their own. However, the scale of cock-up involved here has persuaded the awards committee to make an exception.

The presentation of an award to an entire country is not without precedent, the island of Malta was awarded the George Cross in 1942 but of course that was for bravery in the face of the Nazis, and not mass stupidity.

The Darwin Awards Committee had been considering giving the entire United States of America an award in 2017 after the inauguration of Donald Trump, but decided against it on the grounds that it was possible to recover from that brief bout of insanity.

We can only hope the UK recovers its own sanity soon enough to have the award annulled.

Boris Johnson orders “We R a serious country 4 serious people” projected onto sea facing landmark

EU DOESN’T STAND A CHANCE : The United Kingdom’s Spaffenfuhrer Boris Johnson is stopping at nothing to let all corners of the global world know that Global Britain (hashtag) is a force to be reckoned with.

“Not content with projecting the clock face of Big Ben onto 10 Downing Street for US Dependence Day, 31st January 2020, Mr Johnson has now ordered a robust and easily remembered slogan projected onto a famous, EU facing, English landmark,” a Downing Street ‘source’ revealed.

Accordingly “We R a serious country 4 serious people” will be spaffed all up [and over] the White Cliffs of Dover, bluebirds not withstanding, just as soon as the public has raised the funds for it.

“This will show Brussels that they’re in for a rough ride in the coming trade negotiations against the people this year,” the source added, “they need to know now that it’s pointless turning up to negotiations with telephone books worth of detail and preparation and legalistic mumbo-jumbo. We’ve got our cliffs. We’ve got our slogan. We’re ready to go. What have they got?”

And once the Dover slogan has had time to embed itself in the EU’s consciousness there will be more.

“We’re going to crowd fund for further slogans. But these will be individually tailored to divide and conquer the EU27. We’ll insult the Germans in French in Germany. We’ll insult the Italians in Spanish in Italy. And so on. They’ll be at each other’s throats and we’ll be sitting smug, telling them exactly how it’s going to be.”

But critics of the policy have warned of the needless expense of dreaming up individual slogans for each country.

“All they really need to know is that the UK is now a local country for local people and everyone else should just stay away,” one said.

Given that the UK’s political class has spent the last week arguing over what to do with a large bell, it’s fair to say, everyone already knows what they’re dealing with as Mr Johnson leads the UK his own way.

Mark Francois headbutts Big Ben

Let me tell you a story about a little Tory. A diminutive man, with a great big plan.

The little Tory was called Mark. He lived a happy, carefree life. He was part of a gang of bigger boys, who looked after little Mark like he was their baby brother.

One day, the big boys decided that they wanted to be the only gang in town. They picked fights with all the other gangs, relying on the fact that their opponents were happier fighting amongst themselves than against Mark’s gang, who fought dirty and had the best slogans.

Little Mark was overjoyed to be part of such a cool crowd. He wasn’t much of a fighter but he did turn out to be an excellent cheerleader. Indeed he rose to the position of gang mascot. He found himself much in demand to tell stories of his gang’s fights and wins.

Little Mark loved his new role. He greatly enjoyed telling his stories. As time went by, his stories became more and more elaborate. It didn’t matter that most of his stories were made up. He was living the fairy tale.

Finally, unbelievably, his gang did indeed become the biggest gang in town. They ran the town, and if anyone complained, well they only had themselves to blame.

Little Mark’s big plan was to celebrate victory by sounding the biggest bell in town. But how was he to do it? A local fairy godmother gave him some sage advice:

“Climb the tower on the stroke of eleven,

Take a breath in sight of Heaven.

Take a run up, do it well

And bash your head against the bell.”

So little Mark did as he was instructed. At eleven o’clock he climbed the tower, pausing only to take in the celestial singing and watch the fairies and the unicorns fluttering about. He took aim, and sprinted headlong at the bell…

There was a dull clang, and little Mark fell, unconscious, to the foot of the tower.

He was found by two passers by. “Should we call an ambulance?” asked one.

“No, we can’t afford one,” replied the other. “Who is this chap anyway?”

“I don’t know, but his face rings a bell.”

Festival of Brexit to be held in world’s largest walk-in fridge – construction imminent

EAT YOUR HEART OUT CRYSTAL PALACE : £350m will still buy you a lot of public good these days, even with the devaluation of pound sterling caused by people believing exactly the same sum on a f*cking bus in 2016.

And in 2020 £350m will buy you one of the special radiation resistant, alloy panels to be bolted onto the side of the mahoosive walk-in fridge to be built to house the Festival of Brexit.

“The job boom in the town chosen to hold the Festival, Royston Vasey, is going to be something else,” a spokesman for 10 Downing Street told LCD Views, “while some feathers have been ruffled at the rushed nature of the procurement process, we got away with it for the postal votes in the last general election. And yes, the company, Tory Tory Troy Enterprises, awarded the construction project, will be dissolved five minutes after completion. Records burned. Everyone who ever worked for it locked into eternal silence by an NDA.”

The fridge will look familiar too, even with the giant scale, large enough to contain the entirety of England.

“We’ve hacked into the EU and nicked the blueprints for the Chernobyl Containment Shield,” the spokesman said, with an air of pride that was almost luminous, “we don’t want any of those Eurocrats attempting to undermine the fun. Once the Brexit Containment Shield is built no one at all outside the UK will know what we’re up to.”

That’ll chime nicely with no one inside the UK knowing either.

“And the best part of all of this the EU is footing the bill for the shield,” the spokesman added, “not that we can think why. The fools! They won’t be able to experience the Festival of Brexit if they can’t see inside.”

UK to sound its own death knell on 31 January 2020

“And the bells are ringing out for Brexit Day.” Announcing the death of the United Kingdom as we know it today.

The campaign by miniature monomaniac Mark Francois to reinstate Big Ben for this purpose has failed. Unfortunately for him, the bell is out of action for long term maintenance. In typical Brexit fashion, reality has got in the way of another poorly thought out idea.

Instead the people at Leave.EU, people so one-eyed as to make a Cyclops jealous, are encouraging churches to ring their bells in place of Big Ben. Bellringers across the country are not happy that they will be expected to ring bells at 11pm on a Friday night, when any self-respecting bellringer should be three sheets to the wind in the pub.

LCD Views looked high and low for a bellringer to interview, settling within ten seconds upon the Tower Captain at St Jeremy’s-in-the-Shit.

“Well I’m buggered if I’m going to spend my valuable drinking time ringing f@*#ing bells,” said the Captain, Cam Panology. “Can you imagine? Eight of us, nineteen pints to the good, scrambling up the narrow winding steps to the bell tower? Fat chance. Imagine the complaints! And that’s just from the ringers!”

He revealed that he did have a plan in mind, should he be ordered to ring the UK out of existence. “We, the ringers that is, will take our beer up the tower at the start of the evening,” Cam told us. “We are then going to hold a competition to see who can ring the biggest bell best under the influence. My own completely unimpartial judgement will be final!”

The funeral bell will mark not only the passing of our EU membership, but the integrity of the Union itself. “Better off out of the union,” is the Brexit mantra, and Scotland, Northern Ireland and even Wales have heard it. The EU will be in no hurry to deal with whatever remains of the UK, although it is always keen to admit new members.

Ask not for whom the bell tolls.

Michael Gove to celebrate leaving the EU with a big bong

Did he inhale? Michael Gove, the Chancellor of the Dutchie of Lancaster, is planning to go out of the EU on a high. He is planning a huge bong at 11pm on the 31st of January.

But not of Big Ben. That honour falls to porky, pint-sized popinjay Mark Francois. Francois is planning to climb up the Elizabeth Tower himself, personally in person, and ring the bell himself. Gove, a man who knows a thing or two about getting high, poured scorn on his rival’s ambition.

“Mark Francois, bless his soul, he couldn’t manage more than a couple of flights of stairs without refreshment,” he said, the cultured Edinburgh accent veering into Glaswegian Trainspotting territory at times. “Even if the wee laddie started climbing today, he would struggle to get to the top by Christmas, quite frankly.”

It does seem unlikely that the massive bell and the massive bellend will meet in the near future. But what of Gove? Is he going to ring the changes? Is he going to ding dong merrily on high?

“It will be a celebration!” he claimed, struggling to make his bloodshot eyes focus. “Like Burns NIght and Hogmanay rolled into one,” he continued, rolling another one. “As a loyal Scotsman, Englishman, whatever, I will be having a wee dram or two, Jimmy, och aye the noo, and quite possibly something stronger. I have a nose for such things. Whisht!”

Acquaintances of Gove claim that once the bongs start, they never stop. “We always have a jolly spliffing time,” said sometime party girl Lita O’Whiskey. “Mikey always has the best stuff. He may be a bit of a dope, but you are what you smoke, as they say.”

After all, sweet oblivion is the way to go, once the UK has finally decided upon sweet oblivion for itself. The sun has finally set on the British Empire.

Downing Street to replace EU’s outward looking ‘Erasmus’ scheme with UK’s own ‘Anuss’

LOWER EDUCATION LOWER, LOWER, KEEP GOING : 10 Downing Street has reacted to the libtard, snowflake moaning over the potential loss of UK students involvement in Erasmus by announcing it is replacing the dangerous scheme of international collaboration with a UK only one.

“Seriously, people are much more upset over Harry supporting Meghan in deciding to live a life away from the racist bile of British tabloid columnists than they are over their own government voting to shaft child refugees, where stunned anyone noticed our stepping away quietly from Erasmus. Bit of a blind side that.”

But while the vote in the House of Commons to block Layla Moran’s suggestion the government should prioritise international exchange of students is not in itself a surprise, the decision to act swiftly and replace Erasmus with a UK only scheme is.

“Anuss will benefit true born British people and especially native Inglanders,” the spokesman revealed, “Anuss stands for Awful Nationalism Used Stupidly Syndrome and we’ve spent a lot more time gazing at it than most are willing to realise.”

While participation in UKGov’s Anuss will initially be voluntary, it is hoped to swiftly bring in legislation to force all students to participate.

“We want them to really get their heads stuck into it,” the spokesman grinned, “smell it, taste it, feel it. It’s a fitting symbol of the new world we can create thanks to Brexit. Just shove your noggin into Anuss and keep it there.”

But what about students who still wish to participate in Erasmus?

“That’s straightforward and will be covered in the legislation we’re bringing forward for parliament to rubber stamp,” the source replied, “if their daddy is a wealthy Brexit backer whose bought them a burgundy passport for an EU27 state, off you go son, enjoy yourself. If they’re a poor person we’ll be charging them with treason. We call it levelling up higher education to create the Britain we want to govern. Educated, entitled rich people ruling over barely literate plebs. Perfect.”

Government replaces Erasmus scheme with a year chimney sweeping on Jacob Rees-mogg’s estate

WHAT’S LATIN FOR PRAT : THE GOVERNMENT has been successful in its attempt to block British youth from participation in the EU wide Erasmus scheme.

“After Brexit British youth will have more important things to do than lessen feelings of antipathy towards the continent by actually going there,” a spokesmen for 10 Downing Street told LCD Views, “it’s not enough to have an endless focus on historical conflicts with the continent in our school curriculums, we’ve got to ensure no one grows up actually meeting someone not raised on meat and two veg.”

The desire to isolate British youngsters and make them proper potatriots will also include rebranding of some recklessly named goods.

“Brussel sprouts? British sprouts thank you very much. You hardly need to be reminding the chimney sweeps and match makers of tomorrow that there’s apparently food in other countries at Christmas. And French fries? Let’s have some Sovereignty chips thank you very much.”

As to what will replace the Erasmus scheme? They have an easy answer to that.

“There’s plenty of positive learning experiences available right at home for any youngsters dumb enough to not have parents rich enough to compensate for the sudden limiting of their horizons,” the source grinned.

“The youngsters of today and tomorrow need look no further than the chimneys of Jacob Rees-mogg’s estate,” the source added, “and those fruit trees aren’t going to pick themselves anymore. Staying home and working to make a success of Britain, post Brexit, also solves the ticklish problem of young people coming home with bloody foreigners as spouses.”

That’ll solve the issue of having to treat people from other places like human beings too. Brexit, it’s a vision and they’re realising it. Taking away rights while everyone looks at the Royal Family.

Johnson to EU – “Call me World King or no UK access for Scandi champagne producers!” – take that Eurocrats!

LITTLE BRITAIN ROARS : UK President Boris Johnson has revealed the depth of his understanding of the EU when he fired a shot over the bows of EU crown prince Junker today.

Speaking to handpicked press audience of idiots serving Murdoch and Mammon, President Johnson did not hold back.

“If Scandinavian champagne producers think they will continue to have an open goal against English sparkling wine makers after Brexit, they’ve another thing coming!” a boisterous Mr Johnson said, and then did callisthenics for several minutes.

The warning will serve to put the EU’s unelected, hereditary rulers on notice.

“Just because you’ve maintained your power unbroken since the Norman Invasion of 1066, don’t expect to carry on after Brexit is done.”

How the long established Scandinavian wine makers will react isn’t clear, but Will Tugforelockforcash, writing in the Telegraph, or it could be The Sun, or The Express, or The Fail, it’s pointless to try and distinguish which, as it doesn’t matter, said the following.

“There is no way the Swedish champagne sector can compete with an unbridled English sparkling wine maker exporting internationally over the heads of the Norwegians. I expect the Estonian bubbly makers will be rapidly seeking a bi-lateral trade deal with Downing Street.”

Junker can go whistle! We’re Global Britain and we haven’t just re-elected a complete brace of idiots!

Downing Street – Boris Johnson bans word “Brexit” replaces it with “Jam head into rectum”

NOT SEEING IS BELIEVING : Boris Johnson is proving to be an innovative prime minister even while far away on a well earned holiday.

“Initially Mr Johnson planned to spend the weeks following his totally legitimate, honest victory on the back of completely plausible commitments and policy deadlines by touring the constituencies that switched to back his three word slogan,” a Downing Street insider reveals, “but happily cooler heads prevailed. There’s little point in talking to voters who back him. I mean, what the hell would they tell him? So instead he decided on a beach holiday so expensive it costs the annual earnings of a sizeable number of Labour to Tory switchers.”

But even while on holiday he hasn’t been idle?

“He’s texted Cummings at least twice to see if he’s completely outsourced the civil service and MOD yet? And he’s thought a lot about the importance of words.”

And the thinking is beating fruit?

“Yes, he’s banned the B word. This way no one will blame him by association when all the damage it promises occurs. He’s also banned ‘Acuri’, investigation, Russian interference and garden bridge. Although garden bridge may get unbanned when he decides on a legacy project. He’s also thinking about holding another GE before Labour finish their, um, period of reflection.”

He’s got a lot done for a man who is supposed to be chillaxing!

“I know, right! He’s going to ban ‘NHS’ too, so people can’t accuse him of flogging it off.”

But what’s he replaced ‘Brexit’ with, now he’s gone Orwellian and banned the word?

“Jam head into rectum,” the insider reassures, “where there was once just a word, now there’s a whole phrase!”

Amazing. I can picture the benefits of jamming my head into my rectum already.

“Yes! You’ll be thinking just like Boris Johnson!”