There still aren’t any certified Brexit benefits. So there is no list. Thank you for your attention.
OPERATOR HOW MAY I CONNECT YOUR CALL : THE UNITED KINGDOM has got Brexit done, apparently, without even getting it done and while still in the EU, virtue of the transition.
All that is needed now is for government, tasked with the important mission to protect the citizens of the country, deciding to do the opposite, end frictionless trade with the European Union countries, and throw millions of lives into hardship and turmoil. Just like that. As easy as having your head turned by a combination of Russian and US billionaire cash, and the associated neoliberal and libertarian ideologies.
“The country is ready,” a Michael Gove, as real as any other Gove you’ll see on your screens or in print, told LCD Views, “ready to lose frictionless trade with the EU. We’ve arrived at this readiness by installing extra lines for the emergency services. They’ll be ready to use by the 1st of January 2021. Or later, if we extend the transition. But they’ll definitely be ready and so will we.”
But why the need for extra lines to 999 if the country is ready?
“You saw what happened when KFC ran out of chicken a while back?”
Yes. People actually phoned the police like it was an emergency.
“And it will be an emergency. KFC may be one of the few outlets still serving, and I use this word advisedly, fresh food after we finish getting Brexit done. Any disruption in the supply of chicken parts will cause widespread panic. Motor parts are a lesser priority.”
Surely then you should be focused on ensuring the supply of chicken to KFC is robust, rather than mucking about negotiating with the EU?
“Well, it is hoped that simply by sacrificing our farming sector on the altar of big US corporate farm culture we can be certain there will be enough, and I use this word advisedly, chicken for everyone, even the vegetarians. They will have little choice but to consume meat after Brexit, as most of our fresh fruit and veg is grown by the Dutch. And what’s even better is that you will be confident the chicken that you will be eating, will have an extra secret herb and spice, after Brexit.”
“The very same. So clean you could swim in the frying vats and lounge in the ovens after cooking it. Which, funnily enough, will be a lot like it feels to have done Brexit.”
TANGIBLE BENEFITS OF BREXIT : NEWLY ELECTED TORY MP for Brexit-on-Err, Toby Smythe-Willing-Crumpet-Holmes-Spruce, has hit out at the EU27 for their “clear and obvious meanness” and “lack of appreciation of what the UK has done for them”.
Speaking in a barely legible facsimile of pig Latin hybridised English, the Little England MP laid into what he sees as the apparent “embarrassment of Emperor Merkel” and her “sidekick in France”. At least that’s what Google translate says.
But it wasn’t just the usual suspects that the pro-Brexit member of parliament went after. Other nation states were also used to display his standard Brexiter grasp of history and modern tensions.
“The Spanish also should be put on notice” for what he perceives as a reluctance to acknowledge how clean Brits have kept the Rock since “the Hapsburg Empire abandoned it in the face of English military might”, claiming it “was in a barely habitable state consisting mostly of run down and neglected rice paddies on hill sides and empty tavernas by the sea”.
“Not to mention the recent boost to the financial districts of Frankfurt and its sister city Dublinfurt thanks to the expansion of the sectors there made possible by the obvious commercial incentives [of Brexit].”
But the red faced MP, bulging abdomen visible through a burst button on his powder pink office shirt, has a way for the EU27 to show their due appreciation.
“They can put it in the declaration when they concede to Mr Johnson’s demands for tariff free access to the German car market and French Prosecco sector,” the MP said, “a simple statement acknowledging what Brexit, and specifically English nationalists, have done to quell similar separatist movements within the EU27 would suffice. Junker should thank Boris personally.”
And people say Brexiters are crazy.
THOSE WHO FAIL TO PREPARE PREPARE TO…: The script is going to change in the Brexit debates, now that the UK’s star has finally been scraped off the flag of Europe by the busy hands of nostalgia freaks and kleptocrats.
Over now are the debates about just in time supply chains, Boris doesn’t need those (or respect the jobs of people involved in them), whether or not the EU can measure the curvature of a British banana (they can’t, we’ve taken back control of tropical fruits), or whether or not it’s democratic to use a cooked and crooked advisory referendum as a political mandate. It shouldn’t be, but thanks to FPTP and a curious alignment of Brexiters and Lexiters in positions of power, it has been.
Now the debate will focus on why life as we know it in Blighty has neither become an instant nirvana nor the entire show collapsed into the sea like a Yorkshire cliff.
“That’s because we’re in the transition,” our resident Brexit expert opines, already wearily, “we’ve legally left the EU, but nothing changes until the start of next year. It’s to give people and businesses the time they need to leave the UK before Brexit happens on the ground. Judging by some of the comments by Brexiters, laughing like drains over the failure of project fear to materialise, you’re going to spend a lot of time this year explaining this fundamental, obvious and easily accessible point of fact. Get over it.”
A battle was lost for want of a nail…
“A democracy was lost for want of enough people spending thirty seconds on Google finding out facts. Get over it. It was never about facts, it was about leveraging a wedge of the electorate’s uncertainty at a changing world to validate returning the UK to a feudal state.”
We’re in transition now, but transition to what?
“Hopefully a time when a debate can be won or lost on the participant’s grasp of the facts.”
That doesn’t sound very Brexit to me. Let’s do that.
CLOSE TO THE SEAT OF POWER : THE LAST PRIME MINISTER OF THE UK, BORIS ‘de PRATTLE’ JOHNSON is reported to be not too happy at being woken early today as removal vans arrived at 10 Downing Street to begin the process of transferring the UK’s sovereignty to the White House.
The process is expected to be completed by 11pm this evening, although there’s said to be some hitches already.
“That’s because the EU and China are taking possession of the family china and silverware during the move, only the EU wants to store their share in a storage facility until the 1st of January next year,” a Downing Street source said, “but for now the guts of the place are being shipped to the White House. Once there the yanks will keep the bits they want and sell the rest off to the highest bidder, who’ll probably end up being China. It’s a funny old world, once you start messing about with sovirintee.”
How Mr Johnson will feel settling in behind his desk in a much smaller room isn’t clear, although the source is prepared to guess.
“It’s not a desk now, that’s being taking to Japan, except the collection of toy cars that sat on it, they’ll be gifted to various EU27 states by the Japanese,” the source shrugged, “Boris will be put inside a grubby bit of porcelain and allowed up to breathe now and then, when Trump isn’t on top blowing trumpets. This is a moment of national renewal.”
To be honest, it sounds like a crap deal?
“It is, but take solace in knowing that Boris will eventually have to swallow all of it.”
DON’T SHINE ON YOU CRAZY CUBIC ZIRCONA : “However will we cope?” is reportedly the most commonly asked question in the European Parliament now that Nigel Farage and his band of plastic patriot, brain dead zombies, I mean, MEPs, have left the building for the last time.
At least that’s how the Tory press will report the end of British representation at one of the world’s foremost economic superpowers and its decision making bodies.
But our source at the EP is telling a different story as Auld Lang Syne fades in the chamber and the flag waving Little Englanders march out to celebrate Nigel Farage’s Euro currency pension.
“The EP officials are offering emergency counselling to help the remaining MEPs cope with the sudden loss of the Brexit MEPs,” our source reveals, “like immediate, emergency response.”
The quick reaction by authorities is believed to have been caused by a spate of broken ribs and swooning.
“One Belgian MEP from the town of Lumiere actually cracked a rib,” our source reports, “massive relief can take furious forms. Repressed irritation can become dangerous laugher. Some have lapsed into silence. They’re just enjoying the silence. But there’s concern it may become a vegetative state. Although I suspect they’re exaggerated. There’s many other things to get on with as the UK finally ends its empire.”
Yeah, they can feel relief now, but we’ll be back, once enough cotton onto the fact that a rainy island stuck on the outskirts of a union of 500m people is a pretty lonely island. Especially with Donald Trump calling the shots…
WILD OATS KNOW NOT WHERE THEY GO : BRITAIN is all set to get Brexit done with the start of negotiations over our future relationship with 500m people, comprising the largest trading bloc on Earth, due to start sometime this year.
We’re tearing up those treaties, binning those rights and getting ready to lay sea mines in our fishing waters. We mean business.
And to ensure the tyrannical, banana straightening, vacuum cleaner power reducing, protectionist trading EU knows they’re going to get it good the UK’s bonking Boris is taking personal charge of the negotiations.
“It’s just so he can spend more time in Brussels really,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views, “oh, and because everyone he’s promoted to the cabinet is an idiot.”
But if Barnier thinks he’s going to have a hard time of it facing off against Boris, he’s right! You try getting anything reliable or sane out of the mad bouffant king of Blighty.
“Barnier will have moments to catch his breath though,” the source details, “as Boris is setting out a range of unbreakable red lines for how the negotiations will be conducted.”
- No details please, we’re British
- If Boris wants to bonk someone then he’ll bloody well go off and bonk someone – Barnier will have to twiddle his thumbs and deal with it.
- Negotiations will be adjourned the moment Boris Johnson gets bored of it.
The EU is expected to bow and scrape and take these serious conditions on board, before bending the knee. Because we’re British!
And once all that farting about is out of the way, and Boris is off making the beast with two backs with someone, the real Brexit negotiations will begin. Those being the EU, USA, China and Japan deciding who gets to own what of cut price Global Britain.
Brexit, it’s bonkers.
SUCK IT IN AND SPIT IT OUT : THE GOVERNMENT has unveiled today the commemorative Brexit dummies which will be given away to a grateful public on January 31st.
“Government ministers are to receive gold plated dummies for the gold plated dummies in the cabinet,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views, “and junior ministers will receive silver ones. Ordinary members of the public who wish to celebrate Brexit can purchase latex ones or steal them off babies went out and about in public.”
The dummies, which have the phrase ‘Get Dummy Spitting Done!” printed on the sides are specifically designed for spitting. Can’t take that foreigners have the same rights as Englishmen? Then get spitting! Can’t take that plebs have the same rights as toffs? Then get spitting!
“Once the UK is legally out of the EU and into the transition period where nothing changes, while everything has, the dummies will be vital for mood control,” the source continues, “we anticipate the demand for spitting dummies alone will more than compensate for any loss to traditional manufacturing sectors caused by Brexit.”
But furore has engulfed the release with the revelation the dummies are to be manufactured in an undisclosed EU27 country and flown into the UK by the RAF.
“The best people to make the dummies at a competitive price were based across the ENGLISH Channel. It’s only sensible to make the taxpayer’s hard earned money go as far as possible, and not just into tax havens. A particular pizza firm, which used to supply non-existent ferries to the Department of Transport, has said it can make spitting dummies for the right price, so it’s only sound economic management to give them the contract.”
Questions as to how the dummies will be imported, and still be economically viable, after the end of the transition period have been blithely waved away.
“Once our skilled negotiators are sat around the big table in Brussels staring in confusion at Barnier’s giant piles of paper I think we’ll have all the answers we need to any unresolved questions. There will be adequate dummies for spitting after Brexit.”
And you can bank on that, after all, there’s more than enough dummies in the current cabinet.
Freshly minted Chancellor Sajid Javid has reintroduced the doomed Brexit 50p. Its latest doom has also been revealed – the worthless metal will be transformed into a bell, to prevent melty mini megalomaniac Mark Francois from having yet another meltdown.
Javid, whom nobody refers to as ‘The Saj’, is, as is quite normal, unaware of this development. He is already looking forward to presenting one to Prime Suspect Minister Boris Johnson this week, and bonding over a celebratory hand shandy.
The coin is already virtually worthless, as 48% of retailers will refuse to accept it.
The scrap value of three million coins is significant though, so the metal is being recycled once again. This time to appease a bell-obsessed bell-end.
Plans leaked on the back of an envelope discarded in the House of Commons bar reveal that the bell will be hung in a newly built tower on the fourth plinth in Trafalgar Square. The workmanship will be 100% British. Polish, Lithuanian and Irish builders have been symbolically forbidden to help out. This is unless time runs out, in which case they will be brought in at great expense and deported again afterwards.
Preparations are going well. The British builders are waiting for a skip and have gone on an extended tea break.
Due to an administrative error, the wrong Royal Mint was contacted. Three million fragrant mint plants have been delivered, on time, to Mr Francois’ council house in Essex. His neighbours have already tried to smoke the leaves, meaning they can have a fag and a mint to conceal the smell at the same time.
The tower has acquired the name The Boris Tower, and the bell has been named Fifty Pence Fred.
It would be utterly negative, traitorous and unpatriotic to point out that a poor quality, high cost, and fundamentally useless project like this is a perfect metaphor for Brexit. So we won’t. Nothing to see here, move along now.
TODDLEROCRACY OR TOFFLEROCRACY : The UK is achieving great new things globally, under blond boy Boris, even before the terminal moment of Brexit (CET).
“We were the first officially recognised Idiocracy,” a Downing Street source trumpets in triumph, “the first Foffcracy, under Theresa May’s hostile environment, the foremost Kakistocracy due to being such a great place to clean your dirty money and now the UN has officially labelled the UK the first Toddlerocracy! The winning simply does not stop. Get over it.”
The accolade has been awarded in advance of “Getting Brexit Done” on the 31st January, even if by all reasonable analysis that’s just the end of the beginning of doing it.
“The Tories and associated little Englanders should be rightfully proud of their achievement. After next Friday a lot of well born, emotionally stunted, heads full of exceptionalism toffs are going to feel mightily at ease.”
Not just toffs! Racists will too! For a moment. Which is nice.
“Can you imagine the pain of being born into the born to rule set, knowing that the plebs are getting the same rights as you, incrementally, via EU membership and not dependent on personal wealth? That’s a serious angst. Worth, financial and intrinsic, is a question of birth, not supranational organisations who enfranchise people based purely on their basic humanity. Good Lord! Bloody frogs! Meddling in our Toffocracy! Well that’s done with now.”
But be reassured, the winning isn’t over.
“Legally exiting the EU is just the first big toy thrown out of the pram. Now we’ve got a frenzied few months re-negotiating our relationship with the largest free market on Earth. Our accents alone will make them quail. And if not we’ll throw all the toys out of the pram and we’ll try and smash theirs to bits purely out of immaturity, entitlement and spite. Then we’ll stamp our feet, jump up and down and threaten to hold our breath till we faint. We’re going to get the exact same benefits of being in the crèche as we do outside it. You’ll see.”
Johnson’s majority will definitely be sufficient to see him through all that. Not a chance in hell that by the time he’s finished capitulating, backtracking, deceiving and disappointing the zealous little monkeys he’s enabled to become PM in his party will be pulling his hair and biting his back.
We’re now a Toddlerocracy and like all spoiled brats we expect screaming will continually do away with consequence and we’ll end up with a pat on the back. And a chocolate and see someone else cop it for our poor behaviour.
Remember, Brexit, it’s not our fault. It’s the bigger boy what done it.