EU Withdrawal Agreement torn up as it doesn’t say “Two World Wars and One World Cup” in title

UKIP MPS RULZ : MPS OF THE (FORMERLY) CONSERVATIVE AND UNIONIST PARTY have called for the Brexit Withdrawal Agreement, negotiated with the EU last year, to be torn up. It is missing a vital ingredient.

“Where Global Britain,” a ham faced pork knuckle, somehow elected to the Mother of Parliaments, told LCD Views, “and wee one the war. Any international treatie negotiated from here on must contain a reference to past conflicts inn it’s title.”

The demand is not surprising, as shifting goal posts mid game is the MO of Brexiters.

“They have to acknowledge our status as sovereign equals,” another MP told LCD Views, while bashing his head into a jar of pickles. “The whole point of leaving the EU was to take back control and hand it from Brussels to Moscow, Washington, Beijing. Actually a very internationalist spread of capital cities. Global Britain – now everyone’s whipping boy. Some of us will get very rich.”

Whether or not the EU will agree to reopen a legally binding, international agreement, that Mr Johnson and his chums presented as a resounding success, this isn’t clear.

“They may give the UK a math lesson. Which is greater? 1 or 27?” a quiet voice at the back said.

“Once they see we hold all the cards they’ll cave to the demands of the German automotive sector and give us what we want,” someone else said, presumably David Davis, en route to be upcycled as a plank of chipboard.

But what is this missing ingredient?

“The agreement essentially just has to be retitled and any legally binding obligations on the UK government removed, because we are pretty useless at sticking to them.”

Retitled to what?

“Two World Wars and One World Cup, of course. We’re Global Britain. Get over it.”

London Bridge to be demolished so Boris Johnson can promise to rebuild it

HE’S A FIRESTARTER : PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON NEVER SEEMS TO TAKE A YEAR OFF and his restless attitude to government is no more obvious than in his visionary policy proposals for big infrastructure.

His latest proposal will do nothing to diminish his reputation for grand designs, regardless of what is missing in the detail.

“He’ll light the fuse himself,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “or maybe put it out to tender. People can bid to do it. Then we can award the contract to blow up London Bridge to a party donor.”

Bid to do what exactly? Come again?

“Blow up London Bridge of course,” the source replied, “then we can rebuild it. Bigger. Better. And with less red tape. Right now you can hardly move across the bloody structure for all the overweening EU red tape about what parts of the bridge are pedestrian, which are for motorised traffic. How strong the foundations need to be. Whether it should be able to stand up in a tidal river or not. Ghastly. Costs us millions per week that could be better spent on peerages.”

But the current London Bridge was built before the U.K. joined the common market.

“See! Just proves how many and busy are the EU’s tentacles.”

So the plan to blow up and rebuild the bridge is to show the EU who is boss?

“Oh, they know that already. Some Russian chap. Just became a Lord. No. The plan to demolish the famous bridge comes from Mr Johnson’s hands on approach to fatherhood.“

Fascinating.

“Dom has been singing nursery rhymes to him to help him get to sleep. Also so Boris learns them himself. It’s for a photo shoot that will appear in the Telegraph on the new national holiday – Boris Day – this will be a celebration focused on fatherhood. Everyone is Boris’s child, or girlfriend, or ex-mistress, or wife, or bro now. The whole country. Perhaps the entire continent.”

And it seems ‘London Bridge is Falling Down’ is a firm favourite.

“It’s an inspirational old song, especially if you’ve friends in the construction industry. Oh, and the cost of the entire project will be self-financing, as we’ll be selling off the rubble as souvenirs. Testaments to Johnson’s premiership.”

He really has thought this through.

“He wants to get Britain building again,” the source confirmed, “which is why he’s so keen on demolishing it.”

Boris Johnson says Dover lorry park will be “world beating”

DOVER AND OUT: Crime Minister Boris Johnson is very pleased that a huge swathe of classic English countryside is to disappear under concrete. The size, scope and pointlessness of the new lorry park are already being described as being “world beating”.

£705m is being spaffed up the wall on this pollution solution. This unusual amount of money is the equivalent of seven phantom PPE contracts.

Who wins when you pave paradise and put up a parking lot? The unspoken conclusion is that Dominic Cummings must have mates who own a concrete mixer.

Unfortunately for the government, there is only one Labour-held constituency in Kent, Canterbury, and even Dominic Cummings is reluctant to knock down the cathedral. So instead they are using the back yard of disgraced remainer and laptop abuser, Damien Green.

Green is incensed by this development, which was predicted the moment the Brexit vote was won. “Nobody voted for this!” he thundered, while failing to point out that, apparently, everyone knows exactly what they voted for.

The owner of the gorgeous greenfield site selected for development, Ken Tishops, was apoplectic. “I only heard about this today!” he grumbled, gnawing viciously on a stalk of grass. “I’m supposed to turn more than 27 acres of prime hop growing land into a fully fledged lorry park by Friday!”

How are you doing to do that?

“They just said, ‘Get it done’,” he said. “‘Get it done. Then get the hell off the land and do one.'”

Parking lots generally have famous figures buried beneath them. In this instance, it will be the neutral civil servants who have been ‘retired’ for standing up to Cummings.

What plans have been made for supplying diesel, food and drink, and toilet facilities for the stranded drivers?

“Plans? What plans?” despaired Tishops. “They haven’t even specified where the access road will be. It will be a white elephant, useless before it is even opened, and my hop fields will be gone. Somebody is making a packet out of it, you can be sure of that, and it certainly isn’t me!”

Nigel Farage will open the lorry park, waving a Union Jack triumphantly while the last few bits of concrete are poured onto the ground.

Needless destruction, nonexistent planning, money spaffed up the wall. World beating!

Brexit : Johnson tells EU “put a tiger in the tank” – claiming status as the thick man of Europe

THE SUN NEVER SETS : BRITISH PM BORIS JOHNSON HAS RATTLED THE CAGE OF THE EUROCRATS TODAY as negotiations over a future relationship between the UK and the EU resumed.

“The EU always caves at the last moment to a power slogan,” a Downing Street insider said, “just ask that famous academic of EU operations, David Davis. We all remember his star turn as Brexit negotiator. So successful he had to resign over the deal he himself negotiated, in order to spend time rewriting his personal history. Or if you really are in the mood for a good lobotomy, Owen Patterson. There’s a link to a Katya Adler podcast featuring them both below. The heights of blithe, entitled idiocy those two great British statesmen have achieved is a complete neural toxin.”

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m000jmmc

And it is a well trodden path in British EU lore that the world’s largest trade power bloc always caves at the last moment.

“It’s not because they’re mature and grown up and believe at the end of the day working across borders is preferable to stubborn isolationism founded on a complete misunderstanding of the modern world. No, they leave that to the Brexiters.”

But one thing is more certain than what deal, or no deal, will be achieved by the ongoing negotiations, and that’s that Mr Johnson will spend most of the remaining time asleep. Waking up now and then to do some talking in case anyone is watching.

“No deal is better than a bad deal”, that classic of Theresa May’s time ruining the country’s reputation internationally by attrition, to add to her racially focused immigration policies (what a legacy), is also likely to get trotted out as the deadline to negotiations, self imposed by the UK, looms.

But surely the unfolding disaster of Covid-19 could see one of the most famous, “the sick man of Europe”, reapplied to the UK?

“Highly likely,” our Downing Street source agreed, “but it’s going to get a new twist, as the damage of Boris Johnson’s premiership rains down at home. Before long everyone will be calling him the thick man of Europe. Something he can properly own, without trying harder than he currently is.”

EU farm workers flown to U.K. after millions of pro-Brexit social media bot accounts failed to turn up for field work

SOWING AND WEEPING : Great news for hungry patriots with the announcement that hundreds of Romanians have begged to work in English fields this year.

“The 450 eager chaps from the East of the continent will more than make up for the estimated 40,000 – 70,000 missing British workers,” Mr Dissin Formation, newly created Minister for Desperation, told LCD Views, “swarthy chaps who work like the devil. This leaves the Brexit supporting patriots free to manage their hate and ignorance online. And most importantly, with clean finger nails.”

But not everyone is pleased that it won’t be British knees bending in toil across the parched, plague ridden lands of the world’s second best Idiocracy.

“Why aren’t all the people with pro-Brexit social media accounts not pushing for the young and unemployed to do the work? Where is the people’s army? What has BeCoMe oF bLiGhTy?!!” Mr G. AmMoN fumed on Facebook.

And it must be said that he was right to question the lack of nationalist fervour to do backbreaking work day in and out for long hours and low pay across the green, and once pleasant land.

“We will be launching an inquiry into why millions of pro-Brexit social media bot accounts failed to rally when the trumpet sounded. No expense will be spared! Root and branch reform is needed most likely. An end to education in state schools and a return to the proper pastoral life for those who choose to be born poor, maybe the only way to stop foreigners ensuring we eat the food we grow ourselves?”

We will save you the time and energy of you like. It’s because most of the pro-Brexit presence online is bot accounts. The people voted to Brexit? Only just. In a criminally corruption opinion poll that looks even dafter with rotting crops in a time of global crisis. Empire 2.0.

We MUST cancel Brexit NOW, says Boris Johnson

Don’t panic: The covid-19 outbreak has led to an outbreak of common sense. The cabinet is united, and wants to cancel Brexit immediately.

Pandemic panic aside, why the change of heart? Boris Johnson took to Twitter this morning to explain.

“The evidence of the last few weeks is enough for me,” he wrote. “The public cannot cope with ambiguous and frequently contradictory statements. So I’m really going to be clear now. No. More. Brexit. No more uncertainty. We will apply to rejoin the EU, no hard feelings old chap, and continue as part of a larger, united whole.”

Other cabinet members were equally forthright.

“I must say I’m delighted,” chirped an ecstatic Michael Gove. “It’s the outcome we always desired. We have always believed that we are stronger together. Vive la EU!”

“It’s such a good move for the economy,” claimed Chancellor Rishi Sunak. “We are going to put the entire population on furlough, with full pay, for the rest of the year. Even after the coronavirus issue has passed, this will give us an opportunity to rebuild society and fractured communities. Hurrah!”

“Germany has shown us the way to run a health service,” claimed Matt Hancock soberly. “We will absorb these lessons through our EU membership, and in future we promise to fund our precious NHS properly. What price a healthy nation?”

“It’s thoroughly splendid to welcome back free movement,” smirked Priti Patel. “This great country has always attracted the brightest and best from across the globe, the cross fertilisation of ideas and cultures on this beautiful island is what makes us world leaders. Open the borders, welcome people with open arms (once the current restrictions are lifted, ha ha). Open Britain is Global Britain!”

“I will never have to get mixed up over Dover and Calais ever again!” sighed Dominic Raab. “I can let the EU deal with the details and just deal with broad brush stuff myself. Phew!”

Chris Grayling was too busy failing to organise a piss-up in a long-closed brewery to celebrate his birthday to comment.

Happy April 1st everybody!

“When do we start panic buying sovereignty?” tops Google search results in UK today

CAN YOU EAT IT : BRITONS ARE NO SLOUCHES when it comes to keeping themselves informed, as recent voting patterns and election results (criminal interference notwithstanding) have shown.

And today in this green and pleasant, if somewhat flooded land, is no different as analysis of Google search patterns demonstrates.

“People are searching for information about sovereignty,” head nerd at the world famous Institute of British Questions told LCD Views, “not specifically how it functions, how it is gained, harnessed, used, augmented or defended in a globalised world of increasing interconnections, lorded over by tax exile billionaires. Not any of that. Nor how the social media disinformation campaigns, twinned with electoral interference have been used to criminally skew important ballots. Not that either. But something just as important.”

Which is?

“When to start panic buying sovereignty,” the boffin boffinates, “clearly it will be after the panic buying of toilet paper, hand sanitiser and fried chicken. But it won’t be long after.”

This just demonstrates the pragmatic approach of the electorate faced with the task of navigating a difficult terrain potholed with fake news, boosted by sock puppets and bots.

“Exactly.”

So when do we need to start panic buying sovereignty?

“Soon,” the scientist nods, “about the time that we realise that other countries have sovereignty too and that pulling the UK out of all those long established supra-national organisations, formed to make administration of shared, cross border interests more efficient and equitable, is going to lead to other countries saying F U. And which point we will need to return to sacrifice small amounts of our sovereignty in order to just function and survive. That’s when the panic buying begins, at least so far as the politicians are concerned. It’s hoped everyone else will be watching Love Island.”

‘Anything not containing a sausage’ joins croissants on The Telegraph’s list of unpatriotic breakfasts

ARE YOU FEELING FROSTY : The report of what private citizen, David Frost, had for Brexit in Brussels, before getting to grips with old Barnier, have sent tremors through British society.

“The Telegraph sure flushed the ‘talking Britain down’ brigade out of the woodwork,” an aide working for the UK’s vanishing act prime minister, Mr Johnson, told LCD Views, “only a real British man can eat beans, eggs and sausages for Brexit. You won’t see the continentals do it. They’ve not the stomach for it.”

While no one is certain what Barnier had for breakfast, largely because the European press isn’t stupid enough to report on it as important, you can almost guarantee it wasn’t a full English.

Traitors might speculate he’ll declare he’s had that once he’s finished negotiating on behalf of half a billion people with an increasingly shambolic Johnson administration being run out of a fridge.

“Later this will The Telegraph will be publishing a list of unpatriotic breakfasts so all Brits can get behind the democratically unaccountable chin of Boris who’s been given the task of deciding everyone’s fate.”

You can be damn sure croissants will be high on the list.

“Basically it’ll be anything not containing a sausage. Eat that pork intestine wrapped feast and fell British!”

Some would say that by getting jingoistic over a breakfast of beans, sausages and eggs that The Telegraph has just made the UK seem that little bit smaller. In fact, that they couldn’t make the country appear smaller in the eyes of the world if they tried. But those people clearly aren’t patriots and probably had a fucking pain au chocolat for breakfast. That’ll never make a success of Brexit!

‪Johnson tells EU he is ready to “walk from talks” in June as he’s already booked his summer holidays‬

PART TIME PRIME MINISTER : Boris Johnson has issued a stiff warning today to the flaccid nobodies ruling Brussels over their plans to talk so endlessly he risks dying of boredom.

“There’s no time to lose,” a Downing Street source said, fleshing out the PM’s emperor’s new clothes approach, “there’s Easter holidays in a few weeks. The EU need to know they need to cave fast or face the consequences. Our new mega slogan, ‘Walk from Talks’ should hit them square in the short and curlies. They’ll see sense.”

Whether an additional slogan for the negotiations with the nerds in Brussels will be required to see out 2020 will be addressed mid-year.

“Basically if the EU hasn’t realised it will have a significant dry cleaning bill at the end of the year, if it fails to take the dark money setting the UK’s agenda of self harm seriously, then we may need a second slogan. We’ll assess this when the cliff edge is nearer.”

Some have suggested though that attempting to arrange the negotiations over the UK’s post Brexit relationship with the EU around Mr Johnson’s holiday schedule may cause some blowback.

“That’s because they can’t get their wooden heads around the reality of Brexit,” the source shrugged, “it’s a fascist leaning, dark money fuelled, feudalism fetishising project. It’s not the work of a responsible industrialised country governed by a sober representative democracy. Once they finally get it through their thick heads we mean business, we are prepared to starve our own population into submission, then maybe we’ll make progress. If they give us what we want the British people won’t suffer, too much, if they don’t? Well, we all know whose fault it is.”

We may have a part time prime minister, but the agenda is entirely sinister. Where will you be taking your summer holiday?