Festival of Brexit organisers to ask for a transition period

BREXIT FESTIVAL IN NAME ONLY: The organisers of the much-unheralded Festival of Brexit have pleaded for more time to prepare.

This ‘transition period’ will be used to ensure expectations have been suitably adjusted. But there may be another reason, according to Festival organiser Ant E. Clymacks.

“Remember the Great Exhibition of 1851?” asked Clymacks. “Well no, obviously you don’t, unless you are undead like Jacob Rees-Mogg. But the Festival of Britain was only in 1951, and people remember that!”

That may be true, but Clymacks soon came to the point.

“1851, 1951, see?” he said. “The next big festival isn’t due until 2051.”

Speaking of Jacob Rees-Mogg, he is famously on record for claiming that we wouldn’t know the  ‘full economic consequences for a very long time’ and that ‘the overwhelming opportunity for Brexit is over the next 50 years’.

“Yes, that’s another reason of course,” gushed Clymacks. “By 2051 we will be reaping the kind of rewards that Mr Rees-Mogg was so shy about defining.”

How are preparations going?

“It’s a slow process,” admitted Clymacks. “Roger Daltrey has refused to guarantee that he will still be alive enough to open proceedings. We have managed to secure a display of Happy British Fish, but unfortunately they are tied up in red tape somewhere on the motorway network, and won’t arrive until late next year.”

Have you decided on a venue yet?

“The Millennium Dome is the obvious choice,” said Clymacks. “We managed to hire it, for as long as we like, whenever we like, for £50 a week. Boris Johnson has personally guaranteed the price and availability, so we are currently looking at other options.”

It’s clear that there will be a lot to organise. Food, displays, toilets, transport, social distancing measures…

“And we have the money,” said Clymacks. “Except… well, we don’t. It was paid out promptly to the patron of the Festival, but he has since been unavailable. Still, we found a rare Brexit 50p coin the other day, so it’s not all doom and gloom!”

And hiring all the necessary equipment from the EU takes a very long time now.

Uncaught British Fish to save Brexit by swimming patriotically into European ports

FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS: British fishing has all but ceased after the Brexit debacle. Small wonder that the fish are so happy. In return, the fish have collectively decided to rescue Brexit by offering themselves as a sacrifice. 

Unconfirmed reports claim that British Fish have been leaping out of the water into fishing nets. Many fishermen on the North European coast are telling tales about this strange new behaviour. 

“I was most alarmed at first,” said German fisherman Rudi Wakening. “Hundreds of mackerel, each wearing a top hat and waving a Union Jack, jumped straight into the fish store on my boat. Several of them said, ‘Chin chin, old bean!’ and gave me a cheeky wink!” 

It was the same on the French coast. 

“I couldn’t believe my eyes,” said an unbelieving Didi Tappen. “Pipe smoking pin striped langoustines simply threw themselves at me, shouting ‘What ho, isn’t this a jolly lark!’ I started to wonder if I wasn’t smoking something dodgy too!” 

This story was so intriguing, that LCD Views sought out a fish whisperer to interview one of the piscine patriots. 

“We decided it was time to act, old boy,” said a very British herring, who gave his name simply as Nemo. “One cannot stand by, well, float by, and allow one’s government to get in the way of our patriotic duty to feed dastardly Europeans, what?” 

You can’t argue with that. 

“There’s absolutely no point swimming to a British port, I say,” continued Nemo. “Hardly any British people like us any more. Once, they caught us, smoked us, and called us kippers, old thing. Now the only kippers are the loony nationalists who caused all this fuss. Gave us a bad name, old chap. So I’m off to Denmark with my blue passport instead. Toodle pip, old boy!”

One thing is certain. The whole affair is distinctly fishy. 

Downing Street confirms Boris Johnson was napping when Brexit Deal was negotiated

POWER NAP ACHIEVEMENT AWARD : Downing Street is under pressure today to reassure Global Britons that their PM is not asleep on the job.

“Although some have suggested it may be better for all concerned if Mr Johnson just slept until the next election, I can confirm that he will not be getting a wink. Unless he’s undertaking scheduled napping,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Those cosplay outfits don’t choose themselves you know.”

The confirmation that Mr Johnson is not sleeping will bring relief to some, who wonder how he gets any sleep at all, in consideration of what he’s responsible for.

And there is both further clarity and understanding in the statements. Especially regarding the immediate collapse of the fishing industry the instant Brexit happened to move from the realms of fantasy and into reality.

“That can be explained by the contents and bold print detail of the Brexit deal Mr Johnson agreed with the EU. Good thing he has sovereign power over trade! Imagine how much pork he will sell to China? How much cheese to Japan? And all without any knowledge of detail. That’s a very stable genius.”

But as a final point of joy for anyone concerned about snags in the new IT systems Britons, and those wishing to trade with them are having to use, the spokesman said the following,

Mr Johnson wants me to ensure you realise that he didn’t sleep a wink during his famous technology lessons. But he had a bloody good kip right after the climax of the lesson each time.”

Scottish fishermen drive to London to “flex their mussels”

PRAWNS IN A BIGGER GAME: Brexit bollocksed fisherman have driven to London in protest. Trade is floundering as their catches are caught up in a net of red tape. 

Many are claiming that they are only flexing their mussels. New export rules brought in at the last minute have not been whelk-omed. They make it almost impossible to sell mussels to Brussels. 

“We have been given the fish finger by the government,” said fisherman Rod Andline, crabbily. “Our catches have a short shelf life. If we can’t get it to market within a day, it’s worthless. Now it’s all tied up in loads of complicated paperwork. Nobody warned us about this! I don’t think the Brexiters who used us as a totem would recognise a fish if John Cleese slapped them into Teddington Lock with one.”

There is weeping and whaling beneath the anger. 

“I’ve spent all my life at sea,” said Andline. “Now it looks like my business will be swimming with the fishes. I’m completely battered by the stupidity of the situation. I’ve had my chips. It’s a wrap, with salt, vinegar, and mushy peas.”

The porpoise of the Rules of Origin is to determine whether you are catching happy British Fish, or miserable foreign ones. 

“If only they came out of the water grinning and waving a Union Jack,” observed Andline. “Now that would warm the cockles. Ever asked a lobster where it was born? There’s always a get-out claws. Every catch is now a catch-22.”

What’s your plan now? 

“I’m going to drop off a large load of nice fresh langoustines at Number Ten for Boris Johnson,” replied Andline. “At least, they were fresh when I caught them last week. Then I’m going to set up a shell company and make a net profit.” 

Fishing for compliments? 

“No, administration,” admitted Andline. “There’s money in them there customs clearance forms!” 

And a final message for Johnson and his team? 

“So long, and thanks for all the fish.” 

I told you Brexit was a stupid idea, but nobody listened to me, says Nigel Farage

PROFITS OF DOOM: Former UKIP and Brexit party stalwart Nigel Farage is just the latest Brexit pusher to attempt to rewrite history. Farage is now trying to claim that the whole thing was a bad idea, and nothing to do with him, honest, guv.

It is remarkable that, only a fortnight into Brexit proper, that Brexiters are falling over themselves to disassociate themselves from Brexit. You would have thought that they knew exactly what they were voting for.

But the outstanding figure is Farage. Many rank-and-file Tories will use the “I was only following orders” defence. Farage has no such luxury. He has forged an entire career out of Brexit, and is now effectively cancelling himself.

“This is a betrayal of Brexit, The British People, well 17.4m of them anyway, The Queen, and the Great British Fish!” said the man himself from his flag-festooned man cave. “I told you so, many times, that this wasn’t Brexit, and that any Brexit was an idiotic notion. But nobody listened. The media didn’t give me the time to argue my case!”

So endless newspaper columns, his own radio show, and a permanent seat on the panel of the long-running weekly BBC flagship satirical show, Question Time, wasn’t enough?

“Nobody realised that I was actually campaigning for closer ties to the EU!” moaned Farage. “Why do you think I became an MEP? The Brexit thing was all a joke, all those pathetic stunts with fish, the rallies and abortive marches which only attracted a handful of idiots? Wasn’t it obvious?”

Yet you formed the Brexit Party to push Brexit.

“And how many seats did we win? None. As usual. I’ve never won,” he said, although whether boasting or complaining wasn’t apparent. “It was obvious Brexit was a non-starter from the start, I made my point, but nobody realised I was only joking!”

And on that note, he mounted his unicorn and galloped back to the sunlit uplands.

Brand new political party called The I F#@king Told You So Party attracts 73% support from the public, according to latest polls

TWENTY TWENTY-ONE HINDSIGHT: The many Brexit dividends are coming to light at last. A new political movement has sprung up in response: The I F#@king Told You So Party. 

Patriots from across the political spectrum, excluding the still-blinkered Farageists, have rushed to join. After all, the only way to beat a single issue party is to form a zero issue party. 

Almost unbelievably, the new party has captivated almost three quarters of the public, according to a snap poll by YouDiv. The pollsters report a tangible sense of relief. 

“I’m happy that there is a party that expresses my feelings at last,” remarked a relieved Prudence Physcally. “I, and many other people I know, predicted the public sector squeeze and the huge payouts to Tory donors. This new party validates my sense of outrage.” 

“I knew that the fishing issue was a red herring,” claims maritime expert John Dory. “From that idiot Farage’s stunts to Jacob Rees-Mogg trolling us about ‘happy fish’. They can all get in the sea!” 

“It was obvious that the government has no interest in public health,” grumbled a coughing Vi Rallinfectiion. “There was never an extra £350m a week for the NHS, and total inaction when covid hit. I would love to wash my hands of them!” 

Almost everyone polled had a similar story. 

“I was hearing this message night and day,” said The I F#@king Told You So Party leader Faye Sparm. “The conventional parties have lost their appeal. Farage has lost his relevance. The People have nowhere to turn. We don’t even need policies. All we need to do is respond to the news by saying I F#@king Told You So.”

Sparm also has a plan for when (not if) her party gets into power. 

“What Would Boris Do?” Sparm explained. “Then immediately do the exact opposite of that. That’s the long and short of it.” 

Don’t say you weren’t warned. Say I F#@king Told You So. 

Plans drawn up for “self sufficient levels of cannibalism” once food supplies run out

HAVING A FRIEND TO DINNER : DOWNING STREET HAVE DENIED A FABRICATED LEAK WHICH SAYS THAT THEY HAVE DRAWN UP PLANS TO FEED BRITONS TO BRITONS.

The leak to LCD Views is in the form of a revealing email that contains several non-existent attachments.

“The attachments are mostly spreadsheets and calculations of when the food runs out. Not just the fresh food, which is already mostly absent from everywhere, but the sort of exclusive club that will fly you to the UAE for a vaccine.”

Under the plans the UK will not need to betray Brexit by asking the EU to allow us to re-enter the SM and CU, but can instead feed on itself.

“Clearly there will be a clash with social distancing measures as people will need to get rather close to strangers in order to eat them. But it’s not yet clear if families will be happy dining indoors? Although some suggest this is just because Mr Johnson himself never spends any time with his children.”

The legalising of cannibalism will also alleviate the now ritual shame cycle of Marcus Rashford having to embarrass Boris Johnson into feeding people ten years of idiotic economic policies have driven into poverty.

“Now is not the time to betray Brexit,” the covering note to the calculations state, “not when we have the ability to feed ourselves at home.”

But while the plans demonstrate a previously missing ability to forward plan by the government, it hasn’t left everyone satiated.

“We’re still at risk of scurvy,” a critical note asserts, “at least until the new citrus groves planted yesterday by John Redwood being to bear fruit.”

Tory MPs slam EU for not including U.K. in EU’s Brexit hardship fund

IT’S WHAT SOMEONE VOTED FOR : A POWERFUL GROUP OF CONSERVATIVE MPS have hit out at the unelected technocrats in Brussels today over what they’ve labelled “a doctrine too wedded to reality to be realistic”.

The cause of the angst appears to be the EU’s stubborn refusal to include non-member state U.K. in its hardship fun.

“While most notably Ireland, the Netherlands, Holland, the Dutch and Germany will all be sitting pretty, the U.K. has been abandoned,” a representative of the group told LCD Views.

And it seems they’re not wrong. An exhaustive examination of the list of recipients can’t find the U.K. on it anywhere. Presumably an oversight? Or a deliberate policy to exclude the U.K.?

“The slush fund is a result of Brexit,” the Tory goes on, “We caused Brexit. It’s only fair we benefit from the fund. If they don’t back down and see nonsense we will do some research about it.”

And the group have good cause to be concerned by the recalcitrance of the EU, as Brexit is already causing hardship in various regions and industries of the U.K.

“Have you seen what’s happening to fishing? Leaving the single market and customs union is devastating it. The EU needs to step up if it’s serious about alleviating the harm caused by Brexit across the United Kingdom. If it doesn’t we will begin pushing to physically drag the U.K. out of continental Europe and into the middle of the Atlantic. Here we will forge a new kingdom with the outgoing President of the USA.”

U.K. supermarkets replace fresh food with sovereignty

HOMEGROWN TASTE OF CONTROL : There is no need to panic when seeing empty supermarket shelves as there is an ample supply of homegrown sovereignty.

That is the message being put out today from Downing Street as reports of bare supermarket shelves begin to pile up across social media.

All major supermarket chains will begin filling the empty spaces in their shops with British sovereignty, with or without Union Jacks on the packaging, you’ll be able to tell it’s sovereignty once you open your mouth.

It also means that the days of bargains in supermarkets will continue with retailers being urged to offer two for one and multi-pack deals on the filling taste of having took back control from Brussels. Yeah.

There maybe some minor price hikes necessary to ensure the sovereignty is fresh, but it will be worth it once you tastebuds connect with the unique flavour only available in post transition Brexit U.K.

“We would request that households do not stockpile the sovereignty,” a Downing Street aide requests of the general public, “as we need to ensure everyone has access to it in the event of another toilet paper shortage.”

“My government is cracking down on fresh fruit and the causes of fresh fruit” – Boris Johnson 11/01/21

DIGGING FOR BRITAIN : U.K. Prime Minister Boris Johnson continues in his ramped up and world beating attempt to see just how crap you can be as a government and just carry on.

As part of the experiment he has already dramatically reduced the rights of the non-millionaire class, while having Priti Patel constantly boast about it. And he got to just carry on.

This solid play at kakistocracy has been equalled by overseeing the worst Covid-19 response on the planet, even though it’s clear by international comparisons that we did not have to pile high death mountain. And still he just gets to carry on.

But it is becoming harder to punish a willing public, as he is working with the results of 10 years of Tory austerity, which is both a blessing and a curse of yours attempting to harm your country. And just get to carry on.

But he is clearly up to the task as week two post his great Brexit deal ably demonstrates.

First the fishermen starting going bust, and Johnson just gets to carry on. And now he’s really putting the acid into Petri dish U.K. To see if he can just get to carry on.

“He’s doing this by overseeing massive supply chain failures, a direct and foreseen result of ripping the U.K. supply lines out of the 21st century,” a Downing Street source celebrates.

“The supermarket shelves are starting to empty as predicted by anyone with even the faintest knowledge of the reality of modern trade, and what non-tariff barriers will do. This is because you maybe able to mentally transport yourself back into the 1970’s, but you can’t do it to your entire economy. Scurvy is next. That will be the crux of our experiment. Will we just get to carry on being the government? Let’s find out.”

And to signal that the U.K. has now entered the scurvy stage of Mr Johnson’s government experiment, Mr Johnson will give a speech.

“He will tell everyone exactly what is happening,” the source confirms, “searching for limes will at least take peoples attention off dying of Covid!”

And the speech will draw on a classic, as is Mr Johnson’s want.

“He will say he is cracking down on fresh fruit, and the causes of fresh fruit.”

And judging by experience so far, he’ll just get to carry on.