Theresa May ‘disappointed’ that Boris Johnson is taking the credit for her deal

Former Crime Minister, Theresa May, had pronounced herself ‘disappointed’ with Boris Johnson’s Brexit deal. Mostly because it’s her deal but with a tweak or two.

Out goes the dreaded Irish border backstop, to be replaced with something almost identical, but not called a backstop.

The biggest difference is that the front page now reads “My big brand new Brexit deal, by Boris Johnson, aged 55 ⅓”.

“I have to say, I’m deeply disappointed,” remarked May in that once familiar Stephen Hawking meets fingers down a blackboard voice. “Let me be totally clear: this is MY deal, my record breaking thrice rejected deal, and that grinning idiot Johnson is taking the credit.”

The faintest hint of emotion in her robotic speech betrayed just how deeply hurt she was.

But will she vote for what is, after all, her deal, or vote against, out of spite at her successor?

“I’m not revealing that,” she grated. “But let me just say this: a majority in favour of this deal is highly unlikely indeed.”

Arlene Foster and get DUP chumps won’t vote for May 3.1 either, as ditching the original backstop simply throws Northern Ireland further under the bus. NI gets the worst of both worlds, becoming neither part of the UK nor of the EU. Arlene may like to foster sectarian violence, but she won’t encourage it in public. Yet.

The ERG are harder to predict. Their inclination is to bite the hand that feeds them, but this might be their last opportunity to get the Brexit they have demanded for the last 45 years. Or they may instead follow the lead of Nigel Farage.

True to form, Farage has flipflopped. He backed Boris’ deal and 31 October exit right up to the moment it was agreed, before demanding another extension. Who is the true master of Brexit?

Brexit means Brexit. But since nobody can agree whether this is true, Theresa May will probably be disappointed for a very long time.

UK and EU close to agreeing how hard UK should punch itself in the nuts

CAN YOU FEEL IT : The world watches, mildly distracted by Donald Trump’s letters of insanity, as the sun sets on the English Empire with Little Englanders jumping up and down upon it.

The EU watches, increasingly nonplussed and baffled, as a small clique of UK politicians decide what best serves the bloodthirsty God of Brexit.

What was best for Brexit God yesterday may differ from what is best for Brexit God today. No one else has any say.

Brexit God is an angry God.

Brexit God is a changeable God.

Brexit God is a false idol.

To find out more, we spoke to one of the worshippers.

“Look, we just walk into that room in Brussels and make a little fist,” Littlest Brexit Corporal Francois cries, “shake it really hard in Barnier’s face and then punch ourselves in the knackers! They’ll see what they’re dealing with! We will be an independent country again! Free to punch itself in the balls whenever we like! Till we’re black and blue! We’re the English! We won in 1066 against the Norwegian German axis! We’re exceptional!”

He’s a believer.

But how many believers in Brexit God are there really?

Don’t expect the BBC to find out. Its charter rules it must only do vox pops in towns that voted to punch themselves in the nuts back in 2016. They made High Priest Farage very happy. It has to stay that way.

And other chaplains and vicars of the faith can be heard daily. They say we must do a deal. We can work out the details later. The very MO of Brexit.

How’s that worked out so far?

At least one thing is clear. If the UK and EU do hammer out a last minute, promises to be broken almost instantly arrangement it will involve a lot of nut punching.

But they’ll be our nuts. And we’ll do the punching. And Brexit God will be watching and smiling.

Brexit : Johnson to sign any old nonsense if it lets him stay PM for five mins longer, just like May before him

STARING INTO POOLS OF WATER AND FINDING YOURSELF BEAUTIFUL : BORIS ‘F BUSINESS’ JOHNSON is said to be on the verge of signing whatever the EU puts before him.

“Any old nonsense will do really,” an aide to the PM told LCD Views, “the key objective is, does it allow him to stay prime minister for five minutes longer? It’s the same criteria May used when she was negotiating her Brexit. Which funnily enough, now looks a lot like Johnson’s Brexit.”

Delivering Brexit is the only thing that matters as the only thing that matters is keeping the support of people who can keep you prime minister because you delivered Brexit. At least for another five minutes.

Johnson has a clear path ahead of him. So simple issues like consequences, intended or otherwise, and complexity over time, are unwanted distractions.

But some have signalled concerns over the way in which the PM is attempting to get Brexit done, regardless of the consequences, and to an arbitrary timetable.

“Those people worry too much about others and their children, and not enough about immediate self-gratification,” the aide retorted, “live life in the moment like Boris does. Let tomorrow take care of itself. Let yesterday be lost in the swirling churn of time. It’s definitely the way to run a country.”

And concerns about what the details of any Deal Boris eventually agrees with the EU, if any, are perhaps vastly over inflated, just like the pound was before it felt the benefits of 3.5 years of pre-Brexit.

“It’s not like he intends to keep any promises,” our analyst observed, “the Brexit deal is like his wedding vows. Something you’re expected to do to get what you want on the day. They don’t mean anything to Boris. And besides, he and the other politicians shoving Brexit down the country’s throat are wealthy enough not to worry about the consequences. So just sit back and be taken for a ride. You’re currently living through history. You should be excited.”

Boris’ deal described as May minus minus minus

When is a deal not a deal? When it’s an old deal reheated and with the bits you don’t like crossed out in red biro.

Boris Johnson’s brand new masterpiece, the stonking great innovation, is actually Theresa May’s old thrice rejected deal with a few bits missing. If May’s deal was an old pack of cards including a Joker with the words “Irish border” scribbled on it, Johnson’s is the same but without the Joker.

Small wonder that the EU negotiating team has dubbed it “May minus minus minus”.

Johnson has also removed Mr Bun the Baker from the pack, and replaced him with Mr Rees-Mogg the Saboteur.

Just to make it easier for the EU to reject his deal while laughing their heads off, Johnson stooge Priti Patel has announced the end of freedom of movement. This prevents Johnson from travelling to Europe to negotiate, although it also means we are stuck with the buggers indefinitely.

It’s no deal better than this bad deal? The bad deal leaves us voluntarily tied to Europe but with no say. No deal sees us fall victim to bigger regimes who will offer us trade on disadvantageous terms and say take it or leave it. Take back control, indeed.

In short, any deal will leave us weakened, no deal could well destroy the economy. You may as well offer the choice between cutting off one leg, or both. And you have to buy your own wheelchair. The option of cutting off neither and carrying on as normal does not seem to be available.

May minus minus minus renders us legless. And not in a good way.

We voted for this, apparently. We voted to disable ourselves and we knew it. Yeah, right. It’s just another lie that nobody is brave enough to call out.

The country is on fire. It is burning out of control. Soon there won’t be any pants left.

Tory Story : Boris Johnson and EU close to deal which means Brexit lasts to infinity and beyond

FOREVER ISN’T THAT LONG IN GEOLOGICAL TERMS : The news wires have been buzzing for the last forty eight hours with rumours of a potential breakthrough in Brexit talks.

“This is a necessary build up before the inevitable breakdown,” our embedded Brexit reporter observers, “it’s international politics in the style of reality TV.”

But news earlier today that the EU 27 had green lighted more intensive negotiations really got people hoping the ERG are ready to scupper their own aims once again.

“Talk of going into the tunnel sounded particularly ominous earlier today,” our reporter observes, “with some fearing that the GE posturing of the British opposition parties, as opposed to bringing down the Johnson criminal shitshower while they can, may even lead to Boris Johnson getting the great Brexit swindle done. Which would be grisly in the extreme, as Brexit will thus never end. As in, to infinity and beyond Brexit. But without any of the affection, humour or fun of Buzz Lightyear.”

But of course anxiety should be tempered with the awareness that no Brexit deal has ever survived contact with either oxygen or sunlight.

“To get a deal agreed with the EU Boris Johnson will have to convince the ERG, DUP and other headbangers, all with different agendas, that they’re going for a ride on his big red bus of lies and they’re all going to like it. That’s hard to pull off. And then the mass of now independent MPs and Labour, Libdems, SNP and Green would have to sufficiently get behind it. Do you want to deliver Brexit for Boris?”

All that considered, it looks like the Tory Story of Brexit has some way to run.

“Let’s just hope the opposition has a few surprises lined up next week when Johnson has his Queen’s speech. That way enough parliamentarians will be able to credibly look at the electorate and say, you’ve got a friend in me.”

“Why not break both your legs?” – Clean Break Brexit enthusiasts choose campaign slogan

THE WHOLE WORLD IS A STAGE AND WE ARE MERELY STAGGERING ACROSS IT : Enthusiastic Brexit pushers have reached new heights of fetishisation in their desire to do harm to all and sundry, now demanding a ‘Clean Break Brexit’, and to help themselves they’ve settled on a campaign slogan.

“Now, now, let me speak,” a hard Brexit pusher demanded, while speaking, “Why not break both your legs? Is a perfectly sensible question. Especially, and I want to make this absolutely clear, your legs are currently functioning perfectly well and are unbroken.”

The adoption of the slogan is certain to help push their agenda of radicalising credulous types into certain danger, and self harm, for being just a few words long. Easy to remember. Easy to repeat.

“And it draws on famous theatrical tropes,” the pusher said, “Break a leg! Who in the entertainment business, which I am, doesn’t want to do that?”

Critics of the slogan have been quick to point out that even breaking one leg is foolish, especially if you have a choice not to, and two legs is just insane.

“Fifth columnist saboteurs in the pay of Junker!” The pusher hit back, “for far too long good, honest, hardworking British men and women have been walking around doing Brussel’s bidding on both their legs. Let’s see how Merkel likes it when we can’t walk! Let’s see whose plaster and splint manufacturers are booming then! And with no need for exports to have a thriving, broken bone based, nationally focused, global economy!”

While various swivel eyed Tory MPs are certain to get behind the campaign and volunteer to break poorer people’s legs for Brexit, some have demurred.

Rory Stewart has suggested that one broken arm Brexit, and a mild ankle strain, combined with an infected, ingrown toenail would be preferable. Nick Boles has weighed in to support the call. Likewise other Tory ‘rebels’ ejected from the party by fracturer in chief, Johnson, on the grounds they just weren’t kamikaze enough. They will continue to make their case for limited harm to the national body, while little voices inside them scream.

Labour MPs have also lent both their criticism and support. Certain Labour Lexit MPs have written to the EU asking it to break just one leg for us, as that will leave their constituents still able to hop and hobble about after Brexit, and besides it’s all the Tories fault for starting it. Their job as opposition MPs is to both go along with, and appear to oppose, the national act of self-harm. This will help unify the nation, after cheering it on to unknown amounts of damage.

Who will ultimately triumph, and just how much plaster you will be wearing, may come down to a referendum on the issue. Do you want one broken leg, or two? Or do you actually think not breaking your legs is better?

Project Rear – “We will have adequate supplies of toilet paper after Brexit as the Daily Mail will be printing”

RINSE AND REPEAT AND WIPE : The Government has hit back at reports of shortages of toilet paper, resulting from any No Deal Brexit, by saying the supplies are secure.

Under a special contingency plan, nicknamed by DExEU ministers as ‘Project Rear’, the Daily Mail, The Sun and The Express have been identified as viable sources of toilet paper.

“The Times and The Telegraph will clearly be reserved for Westminster and high income earners who vote Tory,” an aide to Brexit Secretary Stephen Barclay (still chuffed to be a minister of state, it doesn’t matter what for) told LCD Views, “while DWP will use completed UC appeal forms. Home Secretary Priti Patel has requested the tears of the poor for her personal use. We do not believe collection of those will be difficult, as there’s already a plentiful supply of those produced domestically. She will keep smiling, directly to camera, cup of tears held proudly.”

But fish and chip manufacturers have raised the alarm, demanding to know what they will use to wrap their goods in if all the tabloid newspapers are diverted to toilets?

“These concerns are completely exaggerated,” the DExEU aide said, “it’s not like there will still be a fishing industry post Brexit, so there won’t be fish and chip shops. People really need to stop with all this Project Fear nonsense. Project Rear has everything in both hands. And anyway, if there’s no Daily Mail available because someone on your street has the runs, you can just use your bidet and wash your fears away.”

Project Rear – get behind it and push!

Boris Johnson tweets he will deliver Brexit by Oct 31st with his “great and unmatched wisdom”

VERY STABLE GENIUS : The United Kingdom’s one bigliest brain has moved to pour more petroleum on the dumpster fire of the UK’s Brexit anxieties today, via Twitter.

Prolific social media posting, or shitposting, has been the hallmark so far of Mr Johnson’s tenure in 10 Downing Street. So much so that people have correctly surmised that he’s doing sod all actual governance.

“It does make you wonder why he wants a GE,” a Downing Street observer said, “given he clearly doesn’t want to be a prime minister. Couldn’t we just give him a reality TV show instead and save everyone a hell of a lot of bother?”

A timely question, but not one even Mr Johnson will likely face up to, so steeped in juvenile fantasies of power and being a crap Churchill impersonator.

And to that end he has moved to reassure the country he will succeed in imposing entirely voluntary food and medicine shortages, balanced out by extra dogging in Kent, by delivering Brexit by October 31st, do or die, dead in a ditch or on the lamb.

“He’s going to use his ‘great and unmatched wisdom’ according to no one but himself,” our observer relays, after gouging their eyes out on Twitter.

This will definitely ensure he makes a success of it, as there’s nothing he can’t do when he turns his attention to it.

“Except understand how Google hangouts work, apparently,” the observer adds, “but for some things you do have to concede to outside assistance, especially if it comes via a pole dancer.”

It seems reasonable to suggest the assertion by Mr Johnson will be matched against his track record of deliverance, mostly of lost votes in the commons, cases lost at taxpayers expense in the Supreme Court and relations with the Crown.

“To be fair,” our observer ends, “the record he’s achieved since taking office shows an especially unmatched wisdom.”

Boris Johnson asks EU leaders to meet him halfway up Shit Creek

NO PADDLES REQUIRED : Outgoing British, temporary, caretaker, rogue bull in a China shop, who didn’t have sexual relations with that woman, Prime Minister (to all our edification) Boris “shagger” Johnson has made a desperate last minute plea to the EU to save their Brexit Deal. Even more desperate than this paragraph.

“Look all they have to do is get in their canoe and use their hands to paddle along Brexit Creek until they find me, smack bang in the middle of it,” Mr Johnson said, while weirdly flexing his arms from side to side, “As Zeus, disguised as a rum bottle inside a brown paper bag, said to Agatha Christie, in the height of the Boer War, row with me, row, row, row my boat.”

Whether or not EU leaders will have the required level of British patriotism to agree to Mr Johnson’s generous offer is not yet clear.

“It’s because they’re frightened of our exceptionalism,” a think tank paid lackey said across most of the MSM, “they know we hold all the cards. And all the paddles. And all the canoes. It is really embarrassing how they’ve allowed themselves to be backed into such a corner. We have offered them imaginative, and flexible solutions to the difficulties they’ve gotten themselves into with Brexit. But what did we get in response to May’s red lines? Or to Mr Johnson’s unrealistic attempt to bluff them into throwing the Irish under the bus so a bunch of neo-fascist, hard right idiots could remake the UK as Singapore on the Thames? The closed fist of reality. What has reality got to do with Brexit?”


What Mr Johnson will do if the EU refuse to get into a paddle-less canoe and use their hands to push aside the Brexit turds in Brexit creek isn’t entirely clear. But a 10 Downing Street ‘source’ has some ideas.

“We’re going to barricade ourselves inside Buckingham Palace,” the source advised, “that’ll learn them. After we’ve done that we’re going to take our trousers off and stand on the roof mooning towards the continent. The German carmakers won’t be able to stand it. We’ll get that last minute Brexit deal.”

But others aren’t quite so sure, suggesting that Brexit has made the UK a laughing stock and that the sooner we get out of Shit Creek, the better.

Government bans commas to help make a success of Brexit

POST BREXIT REALITIES : The Department of Education is receiving serious incoming fire today after it announced new measures to help prepare future generations for Brexit.

The sweeping changes, described by that guy who tries to scare bigger boys with spiders (he’s now in charge of your children’s education) as “fun and mental” will clarify what is required to make a success of post Brexit realities, by reassuringly simplifying English grammar.

Key to this is the banning of commas from November 1st. While this may cause some confusion in written texts, it will make managing food supplies simpler.

“As we approach Christmas there will be some disruption to the UK’s food supplies. But nothing that wasn’t fully explained by a Boris Bus in the 2016 referendum. It’s possible also that stockpiled tins of ham will have been repurposed as munitions for artillery militias, as the county wars begin. Thus people will have to seek different sources of protein, but these will be close to hand. Unless your family is not a patriotic, close knit one.”

An example of the clarification to grammar will be sentences pertaining to evening meals.

“Having someone over for dinner is going to change,” a Department of Education spokesman explained, “previously you would have expected to feed them. Now you’ll be expected to bludgeon them to unconsciousness with a Brexit dividend and cook them. It’s pretty straightforward stuff. We suggest you work through a list of people you socialise with occasionally, but you’re not too emotionally attached to. Before moving on to Grandma.”

But critics of the sensible and timely preparations have rounded on the government.

It appears that information leaflets readied for distribution to schools, and further education outlets, have an embarrassing grammatical error in them. Although it must be noted they are printed on edible pulp, so the grammatical errors are expected to reduce rapidly during November.

“I think people are not really focusing on what’s important,” the source responded, “you’ll need to decide if you’re having brown or red sauce with dinner, not weather or knot their’s grammetical errors, in. government Literature. Phocus on whats important hear. Or you may find yourself as the worm and not the early bird.”