Boris Johnson blames Sadiq Khan for collapse in U.K. fishing

HOOK LINE AND STINKER : The Prime Minister is not one to let the purdah which covers the build up to an election get in the way of abusing his position. The recent televised update on social restrictions was no different.

“It all went exactly to plan,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “The people’s prime minister empathised as only he can over the dark valley of Death he has led the people into and then abused the opportunity for dishonourable ends. Classic Johnson. Par excellence.”

And while many expected the Prime Minister to level the blame at the last Labour government for the collapse in the U.K. fishing industry post-Brexit, Mr Johnson was full of surprises.

“He drove a JCB right through that styrofoam mayor,” the source beamed. “I bet Khan was spitting chips. Much like the country’s fishermen.”

This will be because everyone now knows that not only did Mr Khan pick up the baton of massive debt that Johnson left TFL’s finances in, and fail to capitalise on it, he also destroyed fishing.

“So long as the client journalists refuse to correct the falsehoods of the prime minister his base will believe it. That’s what is important. By barring U.K. fishing fleets access to the London market Khan has done more harm to the industry than Johnson ever did by leading a campaign to cut fishermen off from their continental markets.”

Well.

“If you want to know the truth of things all you have to do is look at the tireless efforts of Mr Johnson when he campaigned in the fishing industry’s best interests in front of posters that said to Vote Leave.”

Boris Johnson in secret talks to buy Costa del Sol and save Brexit voters’ homes

VANDALUBORISIA : In recent days the reliable news media of the United Kingdom has been overflowing with stories of good British people being persecuted by Spanish authorities. Happily the People’s Prime Minister is going into bat for them.

“Just because some people voted for Brexit who lived in Spain it should not mean they have to leave Spain,” a Downing Street source stated. “We are explaining that to the Spanish authorities in strident terms. All in caps and shouted in English.”

Of course many would not have had to leave Spain, after voting to be thrown out of Spain, if they had taken steps to ensure they could legally stay in Spain.

“Why should they have to? They’re British. That surely makes a difference. Do the Spanish authorities really appreciate how dependent on British men and women turning into leather in their sun their economy is? The way they are behaving suggests they do not. It’s unreasonable to apply the law to British people. We’re British!”

But just in case the Spanish authorities insist on sticking to the law Mr Johnson has a Plan B.

“I can’t say that Mr Johnson’s government understands any government that actually sticks to the law? Bit bloody old fashioned if you ask me. Still, we’ve got a way around all this. We’re simply going to buy the Costa del Sol. That way no ex-pat will ever be treated like an immigrant.”

But what if the Spanish won’t sell the Costa del Sol to Downing Street?

“They will. Don’t worry. We’re shouting our offer at them in English.”

John Redwood demands to know why Boris Johnson hasn’t built a bridge to Ireland yet

EVERYMAN’S EVERYMAN : JOHN REDWOOD MP, one of the brighter lights in the modern Conservative party, has written a rather demanding tweet requesting answers from the Prime Minister.

Mr Redwood has long been at the forefront of extolling the clear and obvious benefits that would come from Brexit, and happy to tell everyone about it. Just wait and see. Now though, there are signs that he may not be getting what he expected. Which is a total shock, at least to him.

“He’s already asking what happened to fishing in order to Get Brexit Done?” our deadwood specialist notes. “I mean that’s a good start. If you help cut off access to your own fishing industry’s markets the least you can do is ask what happened?”

He’s got his eye on the bait ball!

“He’s noticed the outcomes aren’t what he promised people and he wants someone to tell him why. Solid governance. And he thought really long and hard about Brexit too. A full five minutes. Just yesterday he was wondering IN PUBLIC why the government hasn’t slashed taxes and regulations and turned the UK into a trading superpower already? Which is neat, it displays such a complete failure to grasp the Brexit project that it helps explain how we got here.”

Not many people can fail to notice that setting yourself in direct opposition to the largest trade bloc on Earth will have real world consequences?

“Redwood can. So too David Davis I expect. But he’s currently busy playing at being a virologist with the same confidence and swagger he brought into play when he quit as Brexit Secretary.”

Mr Redwood is now passed fish and onto infrastructure.

“He wants to know now why the bridge to Ireland hasn’t been built? The one Johnson keeps talking about building across a WW2 munitions dump in the Irish Sea? Or maybe via the Isle of Mann. Good way to throw millions to mates for a feasibility study. Doesn’t matter if there is no actual outcome. That isn’t the point of Conservative governance. Some are a little slow on the uptake. Like Redwood. He’s quite sweet in his own way. A babe in the woods. Imagine believing any promise made by Boris Johnson?”

You’d have to be dead inside?

“With a brain made of wood. Let’s see how things go from here on in, as none of the promises materialise. Sooner or later some Tory MPs may realise they’ve been played and just like the fantasy constructs they believed in to justify Brexit, every Johnson promise is just a bridge of the mind.”

Home Office to deport Cheddar Man because he’s ruining the story of Britain

Great news for true born British potatriots this morning with the announcement from the Home Office that immigration officials will shortly be placing Cheddar Man in detention, prior to express deportation.

“It comes after Torykip members of the Conservative Party demanded the government hold a meeting of Cobra, the emergency response unit of government, after the revelation that Cheddar Man doesn’t look very British,” Doctor Wayne Kerr told LCD Views’ nativism specialist.

“In fact, there’s a real concern that the first Briton may have been an immigrant.”

But that doesn’t make much sense when squared with the Brexit Britain theory of history currently guiding the government?

“Well, archaeology has already proven that British people sprung from the soil of Britannia, after God sent an angel down to well, get creative, with a pot plant, thus proving God is an Englishman.”

What breed of plant was in the pot?

“An aspidistra,” Doctor Wayne Kerr continues, “Indeed, one of the Dead Sea Scrolls, recovered from a dig in Cheshire on the 23rd June 2016, tells how God went on a grand tour from the home counties to the Red Sea and asked the first person he encountered there, “DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH? He wasn’t impressed with the answer, so he said it again even louder.”

But how will the public take this attempt to sweep Cheddar Man under the carpet, before sweeping him back across the channel where he belongs?

“There’s a real sense that everyone in Britain is uniting behind Brexit,” Doctor Wayne Kerr answered, “I expect most will attempt to pay no attention to what is just sensible public policy of discarding any fact that is inconvenient.

Better still, the deportation of Cheddar Man will show that the cheese industry especially is set to benefit hugely from hard Briexit.

The skin colour of Cheddar Man is probably fake news anyway, how could anyone British not be transparent?

Furthermore, we all know that the sea has always protected England from invasion, with the exception of the people who wandered across, most likely from where Turkey is today, bringing farming.

Oh, and the celts after, and the Romans and their internationalist rabble, and the Saxons after, and the Scandinavians, and the French, and the various waves of refugees, and the imported Dutch and German monarchs and the Huguenots and that other group that combined to give us fish and chips and a few others.

With those exceptions set aside, the sea has always kept the pure people uniting behind Brexit British. Briton. British. Britain. Britannia. All good English words.”

LCD Views commends such speedy action on the part of the Home Office, Cheddar Man, with his potential to create dissent as we present the unified face of Global Britain to the world who just love us now, can not be allowed to spoil the story of the British.

Remember, Ms Rudd called on Britons to name and shame firms employing forinners in 2016.

Shame Cheddar Man. Shame. Keep Britain for the British!

You know who they are, a collection of immigrants who have created the country over thousands of years of immigration?

“Furthermore, it will soon be illegal to even suggest British people weren’t always British!” Yes, thank you Doctor Wayne Kerr, haven’t you a University of Life lecture to give?

FURIOUS Brexiters SLAM EU for giving them EXACTLY what they wished for

INDIG-NATION : HOW BLOODY DARE THEY?!@@*%*# Is a question being asked up and down the MIGHTY UNITED KINGDOM today after member countries in the EU SINKING SHIP applied third country rules to NOBLE BRITS!

”It’s like they EU doesn’t even realise it has already failed just by giving us exactly what we demanded?” Mr Gammon Gammon, 69 Gammon Lane, Gammon asked today as the PETTY REVENGE tactics of the failing tyrannical superstate kicked in. Otherwise known as third country rules.

“You know they’ve never SIGNED OFF THEIR ACCOUNTS?” he added, for good measure. “We live by our OWN RULES. We’re an EMPIRE. Forrins don’t get to tell us what to do! Especially not in their own backyards.”

Quite what the UNELECTED OFFICIALS in BRUSSELS will do now that they have raised the righteous indignation of THE GREATEST COUNTRY ON EARTH isn’t yet clear. What’s left? They’ve already destroyed our fishing fleets! PATHETIC.

But we all know THEY NEED US MORE THAN WE NEED THEM.

“Their economy will collapse without our pensioners dodging tax on the Costa del Sol!” Mr Gammon adds, talking entirely in red face rage font.

“We knew what we were voting for! And years of REMOANERS pointing out it’s going to be unmitigated crap if we get it DOESN’T COUNT. If they’d believed in BRITAIN Brussels would have folded!”

He threw more down, or is it up?

“How dare they? You just wait. The entire project is about to collapse! The German car industry is about to FORCE BRUSSELS TO buy OUR FISH!”

At this point we should go to Brussels to get comment, BUT THIS IS A BRITISH TABLOID AND WE DON’T TALK TO FOREIGNERS WHO CAN’T SPEAK ENGLISH ANYWAY!

TAKE THAT EU! You keep throwing BRAVE BRITS OUT. Keep it up with all the rules that allow dozens of countries to work together for mutual benefit, and see what happens once COVID CAN NO LONGER conceal how hard WE’VE PUNCHED OURSELVES IN THE FACE!

Brexit voting expats “delighted” that their European nightmare is coming to an end

IF YOU LOVE THE UK SO MUCH, WHY DON’T YOU GO AND LIVE THERE: The Brexit voting expat community in Europe is getting its dearest wish. They are finally coming home! 

The expats have endured years upon years of horrible Spanish sunshine, disgusting picturesque beaches and unthinkable siestas. Now at last they will be able to experience the undiluted joy of damp gloomy days in some godforsaken British town. 

“We have got our bags packed, and we can’t wait to come home!” exclaimed an excited Claudia Daze. “I’m utterly delighted! It’s ok here, but we miss the sovereignty and the flags and the chill wind and the relentless drizzle!” 

Claudia’s husband, Rainier Daze, was equally enthusiastic. “To be quite honest, you can have enough of sunshine, cocktails on the beach, open air swimming pools, the easy life,” he said. “After a while, you hanker after misery, not speaking to your neighbours, and crappy government.” 

Claudia and Rainier pronounced themselves “Delighted” that the 90 days out of 180 are finally up, meaning that they can at long last return to Blighty. 

“I mean, it’s been a total nightmare, know what I mean?” said Claudia, admiring her tan. “I mean, there’s foreigners everywhere. They seem quite nice, but they won’t learn our language, and they do insist that we have paella and sangria, when really all we want is a cup of PG Tips – two sugars, please – and a Spam fritter with oven chips.”

“And ketchup,” Rainier interjected. “And you can’t get real white sliced bread or gravy granules for love or money. Thank goodness we are going back!”

Leave means Leave. So will you be swapping Cordoba for Corby? Sevilla for Swindon? Barcelona for Burton-on-Trent?

“Sounds perfect,” said Rainier, reclining on his sun lounger and sipping an exotic drink. “I can’t wait to get hammered on cheap lager…”

“…and lose all our money at the bingo…” said Claudia.

“…and have a screaming row and not talk to one another for weeks,” concluded Rainier. They both sighed contentedly and stroked their fresh new Blue Passports.

Some expats are furious at having to leave. But they don’t respect the flag, the Queen and democracy, so it doesn’t matter what they think.

Questions asked after MP claims for 101 Dalmatian puppies on expenses claim

TOO MUCH LOVE TO GIVE : MPs expenses are back in focus today with the revelation that the Home Secretary Priti Patel has been claiming for hundreds of pounds worth of cupcakes, followed by advice from a dietitian. When you consider her income, that is not unreasonable, why shouldn’t we pay for her cupcakes?

Flags have also been an issue of fluttering interest, given that it is now obligatory for Tory MPs to wallpaper all their multiple homes with them. But few sticky beaks have bothered to look for details that reveal a softer side of any MP. Perhaps because the ‘Nasty Party’ is in power, perhaps because the public could do with unconscious bias training, re Tory MPs?

“Everyone should have looked closer at Priti Patel’s expenses,” a source in the Home Office told LCD Views. “They are very revealing and contain some surprises.”

The interview was one of the more difficult we have conducted remotely, due largely to the sounds of malevolent laughter in the background and underwear elastic being stretched to breaking point (replaying of the tape suggests the most likely origin of that sound was someone been given a wedgie by the Home Secretary).

“In particular look at the sheer volume of puppies she has claimed for! It is clear that she needs them to spread joy. Most likely she wants to wait on the beach and greet desperate new arrivals with something soft and fluffy, just like herself.”

The breed of the puppies does suggest a different mind at work though.

“Sure they’re Dalmatian puppies and that may lead you to think she is Cruella de Vil, but I’m sure a simple glace at her new bleeding heart policies for refugees will settle that question to anyone’s satisfaction.”

Any taxpayers’ money not yet pissed away by Brexit to be burnt on bonfire at “Festival of Brexit”

BOOK EARLY TO ATTEND THE BOOK BURNING : It’s fair to say that everyone in the United Kingdom is ecstatic today with the confirmation that the government is to be committed, to the Festival of Brexit.

While the running order for the Festival is still to be finalised we have been given a leak which reveals some truly tasty events in the works.

“All the electricity in the U.K. will be diverted to a special Satanic portal being constructed just for the portal,” a source on the organising committee tells LCD Views. “Through it we expect to summon the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse to continue the work of Boris Johnson’s government.”

Other exciting spectacles are planned and some you will literally be able to warm your hands over.

“A rusty skip will be installed in the centre of the field and a book burning will be held in it. Books on economics, trade, human rights, diplomacy, conflict resolution, political accountability, global kleptocracy, history and climate change will be burnt. It just remains to decide who will pour the petrol in and who will light the match. But it will be properly symbolic.”

Union Flags will of course be compulsory with giant flag poles erected to look like the hangman’s scaffolds of old.

Perhaps the greatest moment will come in the climatic closing stages of the Festival when all remaining taxpayers’ money not already pissed away on Brexit will be burnt on a special bonfire.

”The UK’s actual royal couple, Boris and Carrie, will set fire to that blaze. God Save The Queen will be sung during the event by a troupe of Farage impersonators. Boris and Carrie are already in practice for burning the cash. And as the ashes of learning and the ashes of the UK’s last cash reserves swirl up to the heavens in the twilight you will actually, finally be able to smell Brexit.”

Brexiter left fuming after “British Empire” is not listed as country of residence on Census

HOT SALTY TEARS : PROUD BREXITER Mr Bazza Gammon, 56 of Little England Street, Littler England, Ingerland, has been found having a tantrum in his living room after completing the 2021 Census.

Mr Gammon’s third wife found him “on the floor hitting the carpet with his curled up fists and screaming unstoppably”.

Mrs Gammon reportedly initially left Mr Gammon to it on the assumption that her husband had failed in his latest bid to interrupt constructive discourse in a progressive social media group.

”I just thought he got schooled trying to convince someone the Nazi’s were socialists,” Mrs Gammon told LCD Views. “Either that or someone had discovered he didn’t even serve in the catering corp of the Territorials. But it was worse than I thought.”

It was when Mr Gammon failed to come to the dinner table for a lunch of beef, corned beef, spam and turnips that Mrs Gammon decided to find out what the problem was.

“It turns out it was the Census. They didn’t list British Empire as a country of residence or birth. For Bazza that’s a terrible affront. He has a framed photo of the Queen over the toilet and everything.”

It seems Mrs Gammon did attempt to retrieve the Census form after explaining to her husband that “There was probably an Other option and he could just write it in.”

Unfortunately the form had already been submitted.

Submitted means submitted he sobbed,” Mrs Gammon shrugged. “Still it’s not all bad. I was completely unaware he had sufficient enough grasp of written Ingerlish to fill in the form to begin with!”

New anti-protest bill needed to stop noisy celebrations over the visible successes of Brexit

PIPE DOWN I’M COUNTING MY BREXIT BENEFITS : The government has been roundly applauded this week (by itself) for the new laws it aims to bring in to clamp down on non-violent protests. As you’d expect in a famous and world beating democracy.

But what has concerned the powers that be is the wide and seemingly unstoppable inaccurate reporting about their motivations.

“Some idiots are suggesting the new anti-protest laws are being brought in because ministers are fed up with having some of the hoi polloi stand around outside parliament exercising their diminishing rights. Clearly it’s not on to question your betters. It is unacceptable to challenge their hypocrisy and lies to their faces. But that is not the reason for the laws. As if someone like Boris Johnson would be bothered by robust and democratic criticism of his numerous failings. It’s just not credible. He’s a famous liberal.”

In order to correct the misunderstandings a sweeping social media and print PR campaign will be undertaken. It won’t just be sock puppet, troll and bought and paid for accounts spreading disinformation either. There will be billboards and speeches from the new £2.6m Downing Street podium.

“Everyone must realise these new laws to crush dissent aren’t about crushing dissent because we have no answer to the dissenters. They’re about trying to keep the noise of all the spontaneous street parties that occur daily celebrating the great success that is Brexit. We don’t like to boast about how superior we are to the Continentals. We like to keep the discussion of Brexit benefits very, very quiet. So quiet you’d think none of them existed.”