New Monopoly sets to feature real pound sterling bank notes to save on printing costs

UWOTBRO : Makers of the famous board game, Monopoly, have announced it is to now come with actual UK pound sterling bank notes.

”It’s now cheaper than printing toy money to just stock the games with the real thing,” game re-designer Mr Brexit told LCD Views.

”The Royal Mint has already gone to the trouble of designing and printing the stuff, so why cut our profits by duplicating the effort when we can just pop down to the cash machine near the factory with a wheelbarrow and get out wads of sterling?”

The only snag appears to be how fiendishly bendy the current UK plastic currency is.

”To combat that we decided to do away with the five and ten pound notes. In reality they’re worthless in real life so to continue to include them in the sets of the board game isn’t keeping up to date. So just twenties, fifties and the hundred, two hundred and five hundred pound notes being printed so people have portable small change from November 1st.”

And the inclusion of the virtually worthless real money isn’t the only change to the famous game.

”We’ve included a new figure for people to play with. It’s a Tory politician. It has a special feature that is different to the classic avatars in the game. It can not land on the “Go To Jail” square at all. Oh, and it gets several million pounds at the start of the game. But there’s a new card in the Community Chest section. If the player using the politician draws this card they’re ordered to tell all the other players they got where they are by virtue of their own hard work.”

Didn’t work : National Grid explains power cut was UK being turned off and on again

READY FOR NO DEAL : The National Grid has shone light into the darkness of last night by explaining the reason behind the power cut which plunged swathes of England, and its regions, into the black.

”It was a trial run for No Deal Brexit,” the spokesman said, “and an attempt to see if we could stop diesel and remainers talking the country down by stopping them talking to one another.”

The spokesman went on to say the trial was judged to be a complete success.

”Nobody ate anyone. That’s pretty much the high watermark for wild success in terms of Brexit. Expect a festival to celebrate. And no one will eat anyone else in that too. Well, it’s unlikely to occur.”

But a leaked internal email, obtained by this fictional news media organisation from inside an imagined version of energy regulator Ofgem, says it was an entirely different reason altogether.

”They turned the country off an on again. England specifically, but the outage affected other regions too. It was an attempt to solve Brexit,” our energy analyst, Mrs High Beam, reveals, “I don’t suppose it worked. The country is still rebooting so we won’t know until later if it worked or not. I don’t think it worked. Did you think it worked? Is anything different? Are the criminal investigations into the electoral crimes of 2016 actually happening? Is Boris Johnson still Prime Minister? If he is it didn’t work.”

But you should not to be discouraged as the leaked email reveals the test will be tried again in a “live fire sandbox” at the end of October.

On the 31st the entire country will be switched off and on again.

”Let’s just pray the bigger test doesn’t coincide with a KFC shortage or we’re f*cked.” 

GULLIBLE’S TRAVELS – BAFFLED land mass run by people who have no fucking idea what they’re doing discovered

BREXIPUTIA – Mapmakers report today that an entirely new land mass has been discovered off the coast of continental Europe that is just jammed full of people who who have no fucking idea what they’re doing.

“This is because they’re led by complete incompetents,” head explorer at Parochial Geographic, Professor Dominic Raabit told LCD Views.

But a cursory glance at the satellite imagery that led to the fascinating discovery reveals the land mass is very close to continental Europe. It’s a little puzzling why no one has stumbled across it before.

“Oh, they’ve been numerous reports over the years of a sensible, well governed, mature representative democracy existing as a collection of islands off the coast of France and the Netherlands for years. People have even claimed to have been there. People have turned up in France and Spain claiming to have come from there. But over the last three years the reports of a such a place have dried up. We decided to do a satellite survey to clear it up once and for all.”

The professor added that this has actually been tried several times since mid-2016, but there’s usually a murky fog over the area at the time and satellite imaging has proved difficult.

“We got lucky. A window opened for a few moments and we got the photographs. We decided next to see if we could detect any radio broadcasts. And we did.”

And what did you discover from listening to the broadcasts?

“Well, just a casserole of nonsense. The majority of the current leaders appear to be political pygmies, although some with larger frames are hanging about, ineffectively urging everyone to not do some extremely stupid thing that the leaders are set upon.”

What’s the stupid thing?

“They want to rename the country Brexiputia and set fire to it on the 31st of October this year.”

That sounds a bit silly.

“It’s more than that. It’s clear none of the leaders have a fucking idea what they’re doing. That much is obvious. But they’re all too proud to admit that things may have gotten out of hand.”

Government policy replaced by Leave.EU propaganda

The government of national disunity has become the political wing of Leave.EU. Bereft of any real ideas or policies, it has substituted recycled propaganda.

This is why Boris Johnson is insisting that he’s going to do a great deal with the EU. Expect him to assert that we hold all the cards.

Expect him to deny that, with hindsight, that these cards are a joker, a business card from Dawdle, Ripov & Scarper estate agents, and Mr Bun the baker.

Expect him to say that these are brand new cards, and not the old cards covered with childish graffiti.

Expect him to tell you that post-Brexit Britain will be like an unsubtle variation of ‘sunlit uplands’. Sunny Highlands or something. Expect him to feign surprise when the country says ‘Bollocks!’

Expect an emphasis on blame. Britain’s Brexit policy and subsequent failure is already the fault of the EU, and, oddly, Ireland. Everyone’s fault but mine is the line. Pig farmers, global warming, negative thinking. Expect it to be all your own fault. Expect Britain to point the finger straight back.

Expect blatant racism. Swarms and hordes of vermin swamping the country. Reds under the bed. Any opponents of the Brexit faith denounced as traitors, saboteurs, enemies. Yada yada yada. Expect Boris to falter and corpse as even he can’t believe he’s saying it.

Expect pots to call the kettles black. Wait for unelected bureaucrat Dominic Cummings to call properly elected EU representatives unelected bureaucrats. Expect even the Daily Telegraph to start questioning this approach. Expect the country to laugh at Cummings and make crude puns on his name.

Expect Nigel Farage to come steaming in to denounce all and sundry, and say that he, and only he, is the true Keeper of the Flame of Brexit. Expect him to talk big but offer no practical advice. Expect him to offer to take over as PM, accountable only to himself. Expect him to slink away when nobody listens to him this time.

Expect Brexit to be cancelled instead of delayed this time.

10 Downing Street PANIC at 11 over fears stockpile of LIES will be exhausted before Brexit

THE LIES HAD IT! THE LIES HAD IT! : 10 Downing Street is said to be in a chaotic and disordered state today after it emerged that the new, white, tightly woven, cotton sofa delivered to the PM’s apartment is not stain proof.

“It’s not only that,” a Downing Street insider told LCD Views, “there’s PANIC too that the stockpile of governmental lies will be exhausted before Brexit!”

How the Johnson administration would manage without recourse to lying through their teeth isn’t clear and a clear reason to be alarmed.

“Unelected puppet master for life, Cummings, has his teams working 24/7 to produce new falsehoods to baffle the public and Brussels,” the insider revealed,

“but currently they’re just managing re-hashes of the crap May dished out. It’s not looking good. Although Labour’s refusal to consider a GNU is giving them some succour they may pull through and get No Deal Brexit delivered at Halloween. But the sands shift so fast, we can’t rely on MPs not doing their jobs forever. We need dissembling at 11 to disassemble the modern state for the profit of right wing moneymen. Not panic at 11!”

Who can keep their heads while all about them are losing their minds will be a deciding factor in the coming weeks. You could even say pivotal to the future of the country.

“We need to dial down the anxiety,” the insider added, “not just in Downing Street but across the country. The lemmings won’t jump off the cliff if just one of them breaks into a panic and turns away.”

Hold your nerve Global Britons! Billions have been bet on you holding your nerve and leaping on the 31st October 2019 with just the smallest, well calculated, data mined push.

Boris Johnson ready to bet your country on his hunch

The stakes are high, and the chips are down. Gamblin’ man Boris Johnson is betting his reputation, his party and your country on one last desperate throw of the dice.

Europe is the playboard. Opposite Boris sits a calm, professional figure, expensively dressed yet understated. Having once held all the cards, the UK team has had to hand them over, one by one, to an opponent who prepared properly and knows how to play the game.

The UK has one player left: Boris Johnson, the maverick who was parachuted in when Theresa May threatened to fold.

He sits there, gibbering quietly, trembling mildly, a single bead of sweat on the forehead under the artfully tousled hair. His shadowy opponent wonders idly if Boris is sufficiently deranged to follow through on his threat to throw his country onto the table

I’m winning, he thinks. I have little to lose. Boris is psyching himself up to risk everything on one roll of the dice. Even if he wins, I’m coming out on top. And if he loses, he’s out of here, knowing he will have ‘the boys’ after him to make him clear his debts.

Johnson is debating whether to put his house on it. Your house. Do or die? Do I dare? Who dares wins? One lucky roll and I’m straight. Lose, and it’s oblivion. The glistening drop of clear liquid slowly rolls down his cheek, as if he were crying over the impossible choice laid before him. One last roll of the dice, or – what?

Walk away from the game, having realised that you have bitten off more than you can chew? Leave the table, poorer but wiser, but with the respect of your opponent for having made a mature choice? Shake hands and say ‘sorry old boy, well played’? Will Boris blink?

It remains to be seen whether Boris has the balls to match his rhetoric, or if he is just all mouth but no trousers.

Do or Die : Boris Johnson promises 100 days of games to celebrate Brexit

LIE OR LIE : Temporary Caesar of the breakaway province of Littleus Englandus, Boris “Mentula” Johnson, has promised 100 days of “Do or Die” games to celebrate Brexit.

The celebration, said to be the brainchild of the unelected bureaucrat, Dominic Cummings, is planned to begin in the run up to the festival of freedom known as Halloween, carry on through the growing wish fulfilment of Guy Fawkes and continue into the New Year and food rationing.

Christmas will not feature in the festivities as it will be cancelled to help pay for No Deal Brexit.

”It’s really just to distract the plebs from the wholesale sell off of their state that will begin at the stroke of midnight on the 1st of November,” our games analyst, Mrs Gladi Ator reveals, “there will be prizes for everyone forced to take part. Insulin, which you can resell on the thriving black market. Bread which you can trade for clean water. Clean water which you can trade for aspirins. Aspirins which you can trade for tinder. And so on. It will all tie in seamlessly with the realities of the post-Brexit economy.”

It’s thought Caeser Johnson himself may even take part in some of the games.

”Chasing the Fillies, an aged old classic, will be Caesar’s jolly,” our specialist suspects, “with fruity blonde women rounded up from the general population and made to run around the amphitheater with Johnson in hot pursuit.”

But who is likely to perish in the games? Without blood and guts there won’t be mass distraction?

”The car industry. That’ll be the first to fall. Then the pharmaceuticals. Financial services. All the big beasts will go down. And best of all, the people have voted for it.”

Make Britannia Great Again? Thumbs up or thumbs down?

Pound Sterling to stand trial for treason in first for any global currency

PENNY OF FOOLISH POUND OF DUMB : News this morning that the UK’s currency, Pound Sterling, is to stand trial for treason.

”This is a first for any major, global currency,” Sajid Javid, temporary Chancellor of the Chequered, told LCD Views, “but a message must be sent that no one is above the law, except the serving cabinet ministers of Global Britain.”

The trial will take place in public in a specially constructed wooden amphitheater built in the shape of a kangaroo.

”I think the result is a foregone conclusion,” our legal eagle took a punt (as the pound is soon to be worthless), “the pound has given itself away with its relentless remoaning and failing to believe in Brexit. It has to pay. Although presumably it will pay in a currency such as Euros or USD, because who is holding pounds?”

The only glitch in the decision appears to be a difficulty in apprehending the pound.

”It’s working with malicious foreign actors,” our specialist revealed, “swapping itself into other currencies constantly. This is the evidence and the act of treason. But of course as soon as it has taken refuge in another currency it can’t easily be apprehended and stood in the dock.”

But the government has a way around that classic bit of fiscal espionage.

”We will soon be printing billions and billions and billions of new patriotic pounds,” Mr Javid said proudly, “and as soon as they’re seen turning into a dollar they’ll be banned from foreign flight and tried for treason as a warning to the currency to boost itself, or else.”

None of this would even be necessary if the Telegraph could just print that remainers had started believing in Brexit.

Dominic Raab promises swift trade deals with Laurasia and Gondwana post Brexit, after studying map

THE NAVIGATOR : The British Foreign and Commonwealth Secretary, Dominic “the domino” Raab, risks upsetting an eager Commonwealth today after he announced his intention to seek swift FTA’s with alternative places first, post Brexit.

”They’re gagging for it anyway,” Dominic Raab smugly smiled, appearing before the Exiting the EU parliamentary committee this lunch time, “they’ve already whipped their knickers off after seeing my unblinking demeaning demeanour. We can hit other hot spots first. Laurasia. Does the European Union trade with them? Or do they slap them with pernicious tariffs in a protectionist racket designed to keep the single market single? Well, I say it should be polyamorous. And that’s what Brexit Britain will be.”

After this outburst, Raab’s pulsating vein of a brain had more to say, but this time more relaxed, almost dreamlike.

”You know before I studied the map that someone in my department pinned to the wall, next to the portrait of me,” Dominic “uncharted territories” Raab revealed, “I hadn’t quite fully appreciated that America and Africa were joined in one land mass. This will makes sorting out FTA’s much easier. We can just walk from one to the other.”

Other surprises were also related.

”We have no intention of putting a customs border down the Pangea Sea,” he asserted, “if that happens that will be the fault of the EU and its bullying intransigence.”

Then he wrapped it up with what seemed a repetition of his earlier questions about Laurasia.

”Seriously, what tariffs does the EU impose on Laurasia?” he asked, still throbbing at the temples, “I’d like to know. I’ve been to paradise, but I’ve never been to me.”

Pound Sterling gagged by Downing Street

HEAVY FOOTED POUNDING : The United Kingston’s fiat currency, Pound Sterling, has been gagged by Downing Street today to stop news of its continued unpatriotic slide.

”It’s a bloody remonaner,” a newly appointed treasury official commented IN DISGUST, “it’s been told to be more dollar and to shut up!”

But although the gagging order effectively prevents the currency talking to news media, it seems not everyone has got the memo.

”A penny must be leaking it to the markets,” the official, whose last job was coordinating carpet bagging strategies for Vote Gammon added, “a bad penny. An unpatriotic BAD PENNY GLOOMSAYING AMD TALKING GLOBAL BRITONS DOWN.”

And while the swift action of the new administration in Downing Street may at least squeeze the squeeze on sterling and buffer the buffeting, it seems international investors are still choosing to put their money elsewhere. Such as the currencies of countries that have not gone completely insane.

”It’s good for exporters,” the official explained, “it means they can pay more for the components they import and charge more when they export. They’re getting richer. We’re all getting richer. You now need to take more pounds with you when you go on holiday. Which means you have more pounds. It’s not just the disaster capitalists organising all these with their useful idiot frontmen in politics that are GETTING EVEN RICHER.”

But pressured to explain why he has gagged the currency, prime minister Boris Johnson sought to divert attention away from the topic.

”Who doesn’t like a good, strong powerful pound? What ho!” before rushing out the back door in search of a front door to rush into.