Operation Sunshot : Government launches project to fire UK into the face of the Sun

TANGIBLE BENEFIT OF BREXIT : THE UK government IS determined to show not just the tyrannical EU imperial superstate what it can do with recovered sovereignty, but the entire galaxy.

Speaking at a special televised address, before attending a bunga bunga party held at the Italian villa of a Russian-British Tory donor, temporary Prime Minister Boris Johnson announced the solar system beating project.

“We’ve already begun!” he announced, “I realised Operation Moonshit, I mean, Moonshot, was not ambitious enough. Mere mortals aim for the Moon. My Britannia aims for the Sun! And on her winged chariot she will fly!”

There followed a fairly incoherent series of classical allusions to Daedalus and Icarus, and Prometheus, and Theseus (something about shopping for wool), the Titans, Odin got a nod, Gorgon, Midas, Superfluous and Nonsensicus, before the Prime Minister returned to his central mission.

“Now that we are FREE of the EU’s well of gravity we can go anywhere. We can do trade deals with the Inedians! But to do this! To grasp the fiery nettle we must go and find them where they live. So I say to you, fellow travellers on my blazing barque, we are going to the Sun! Sol nostri populus volo caseus!

The journey is expected to be relatively swift with the UK arriving at the surface of the Sun on the 1st of January 2021.

“We will not burn up!” (we will)

“We will thrive out of Earth’s orbit!” (we won’t)

“The meddling technocrats of the EU will watch the climax of our journey with envy!” (they won’t)

“Get hurling the UK into the face of the Sun done!” Mr Johnson finished, “nothing can stop us!” (except the continuous nuclear explosion of the Sun).

Sovereignty now one of the main food groups, according to government

Millions of starving patriots are being kept alive by the miracle of Brexit. They are being nourished by the newly defined wonder food, Sovereignty, while they wait for fish quotas to revert to British fishermen.

The Government is following the science here, and the scientists have been paid to say the right things. Sovereignty, they say, is more nutritious and delicious than fish and chips, a skinful of cheap lager, and a cheeky kebab on the way home.

“That is the diet that made Britain great!” gushed gastronomic genius Ed Sheph. “The healthy glow that comes of an intake of carbs, alcohol, fat and salt is world renowned, world beating, even, dare I say it!”

There’s nothing like gammon. But, we asked, what’s the best way to serve Sovereignty?

“Sovereignty is a dish best served cold,” replied Sheph. “If heated, it can lead to arguments breaking out. And overcooked Sovereignty makes you look ridiculous. It’s best taken with a pinch of salt.”

Small portions, or large?

“The bigger the better,” said Sheph. “Large amounts of Sovereignty make you literally swell with pride! But be careful, it can be addictive, and overindulgence can lead to sleeping with a Union Jack in bed with you.”

We wondered what exactly was The Science behind making Sovereignty one of the main food groups.

“Actually, it’s now the ONLY food group,” Sheph admitted. “In fact, it’s now the most important substance in the world. Ultra patriots have been known to quit their job, sell their home, and take off their clothes so that they may spend eternity basking in Sovereignty. If there was any integrity remaining in government scientists, they might suspect these individuals to be mentally disturbed, deranged and deluded. As well as denuded.”

The starving millions desperate for the delayed food supplies only have themselves to blame. A little belief, a little more faith in Brexit, and the Sovereignty could have been theirs too.

Sovereignty is available in boil in the bag, oven ready and half baked varieties.

SHOCK at discovery Boris Johnson’s ‘Oven Ready Brexit’ was a lie!

OVEN READY TOILET : THE UK is said to be in a state of severe shock today after the discovery that bears shit in the woods.

The alarming new information began to trickle out across social media platforms last night as first the FT, and then other outlets, raised the alarm.

“I built a special lean to with a bear toilet in it,” George Eustice, Environment Secretary, told LCD Views, “it has specially oversized toilet paper, one of those little 70’s carpet type things around the bowl and everything. Why would a bear not use it?”

The Right Hon George wasn’t the only one in shock. At the time of going to print medics were considering whether or not to place the entirety of the UK in a controlled coma.

The bear who is said to have been observed shitting in the woods and causing the alarm has been described by witnesses as :

  • Mid-50’s
  • Dyed, generally unruly blonde hair
  • Shabby of coat with a preference for anthropomorphising itself by dressing up in ill fitting human clothes – essentially appears to be an old fashioned circus animal, which has escaped.
  • Prolific breeder

“Maybe the clue is in the outfits?” David Davis, keen observer of bear shit, told LCD Views, “I mean I know I’m famously thick as mince, but you don’t expect to teach a bear to wear man clothes and then find it shitting in the woods?”

Specialists will be consulted to attempt to explain the phenomenon in due course, but the rule of thumb appears to be ‘If his lips are moving, he’s lying”.

U.K. misses deadline for 2021 food labels – unable to pick font to spell “RATION”

QUEUE FOR BRITAIN : The U.K. government is hoping one of its tastiest screw ups (just this week) will go unnoticed, concealed under a groaning table spread with freshly killed dead cats.

“It’s just a question of world class timing,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “the deadline has passed, but it was a ramped up EU deadline, so it doesn’t matter. The German carmakers will sort it out. We’re Global Britain.”

The deadline itself, regardless of the relevance Downing Street accords it, concerns food labelling for 2021 and the export of food between Britain and Northern Ireland.

“You’re really boring me with the details,” the Downing Street source sighed, “we don’t do detail. Algorithms do detail. We are the great men of history. We bring in the sweeping changes. If a few people have to queue for some bread for a few months, what of it?”

But people aren’t used to food shortages in the UK, not since the war and the end of rationing in the 1950’s.

“Well if food rationing was good enough for the generation that survived the Blitz it will be good enough for patriots today.”

Maybe not. Especially not in Northern Ireland. This is where the labelling issue has the potential to really hit. And you’ve created enough problems for them with Brexit as it is.

“It’s a province. It’s a provincial problem. We are the great men of history bringing in sweeping changes.”

You really believe that?

“We’re world class.”

Idiots?

“Remoaner.”

I was asking a question, not making a statement.

“Oh, sorry. I thought we’d reached the stage of a Brexit discussion where the pro-Brexit interlocutor, unable to support assertions, moves to insults.”

But why miss this deadline? Why give industry another headache and put more cost on the voters?

“We are the great men of history, we are”

Cut the crap. Why did you miss the deadline? I’ll give you this toy Spitfire if you answer?

“Oooo! Give me! Give me!”

Answer first.

“We missed the deadline because we couldn’t make up our minds over which outdated font to use to spell the world ration.”

Thank you. Here you are.

(aeroplane noises and simulated sounds of machine gun fire)

“We’re Global Britain! We’re world class!”

Idiots. And this time it is a statement and not a question.

Downing Street : EU making negotiations difficult by refusing to do confidential handshake deal in strip club

MEET ME AT MY CLUB : DOWNING STREET IS reportedly FURIOUS with THE EU today after the UK’s latest wizard wheeze to break the negotiation deadlock was rebuffed by Barnier.

“If Barnier doesn’t sort his ideas out we’ll have to send in Raab,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “nothing is getting through to him. It’s not even clear he understands English as well as we do.”

It seems the brains at 10 Downing Street have tried all the usual strategies to broker a deal.

“We’ve offered him lands and titles in Kent,” the source shrugs, “a meeting with the Queen, offered repeatedly to take him out to private dinners at clubs that offer more than just food, if you know what I mean. He hasn’t gone after any of it. We’re beginning to think he’s too bloody square to do a deal.”

But with all the usual Tory strategies played out, it’s not clear where we go from here.

“Food, water and energy rationing is where we go. Or some bloody humbling U turn that will be presented to the British public as a victory. I guess that’s possible. EU CRACKS AND AGREES TO SELL UK ENOUGH FOOD TO EAT FOR ANOTHER MONTH. That’ll sell.”

It’s believed that the plucky UK, which holds all the cards, will have another go at Barnier this week.

“We’ll attempt to get him to Lady Tza Tza’s this week for some Johnny Walker Black Label and a bit of fun. We only need a handshake deal anyway. Nothing we write on paper is worth the paper it’s written on. Any fool can see that. Oh, and we’ll remind him if he doesn’t play ball this time we’ll get out the kompromat. If he has any. Presumably the EU didn’t think of that when they selected him to negotiate with such clearly upright chaps as ourselves.”

Good luck with that. Perhaps you should get David Davis to call up the German car makers and tell them to get a wriggle on?

Jan 2021 : UK to join Schengen and Euro after Grayling replaces Frost in negotiations with EU

SAVING THE UNION : DETRACTORS HAVE BEEN CLAIMING FOR YEARS that the job of lead Brexit negotiator for the UK with the EU is a purely ceremonial position.

“It’s not a surprising accusation,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “when you consider the rogues gallery of baffling incompetence to hold the position.”

David Davis, one of the intellectual giants of global trade, was the first to fill his boots as UK negotiator. Followed by someone and someone else. All entirely forgettable in terms of their achievements.

“Frost has been softening Barnier up for Grayling,” the source continues, “it’s been a very clever strategy. Now that old Barnier is so confused by the UK position he doesn’t know what’s coming at him we’re sending in the UK government power animal.”

It’s expected that Grayling will hold talks with Barnier this week and achieve all Boris Johnson’s aims.

“There’s not a day goes by where Boris Johnson, the talisman of Brexit, doesn’t wish he had sent in the other column to the Telegraph. Both David Cameron and Theresa May showed themselves smarter than Johnson. They both avoided being the last prime minister of the United Kingdom, and the first Prime Minister of just England. Johnson has to bring a big gun to bear if he wants to avoid a No Deal Brexit and the unenviable title of the man who broke the UK.”

But of course Mr Johnson will need someone to carry the can, and that’s where Grayling steps up to the plate.

“Grayling is proper packhorse. He has so many spectacular policy implementation failures to his credit. To add failing to negotiate an actual Brexit, and instead save Johnson’s goat by accidentally signing the UK up to Hard Remain will be the crowning glory on a stellar career.”

And the timing couldn’t be more perfect as the transition period rushes to a finish and the Euro is set to replace the US Dollar as the global reserve currency.

“The Bank of England has already moved billions into the Euro, so don’t worry about paying for Covid-19, we’ve got it covered.”

Boris Johnson to take personal control of Germany scrapping Brexit talks at EU summit

tAke BaCk CoNtRoL : The minor European power of Germany looks set for a swift kick up the arse today after regional bureaucrat Angela Merkel displayed a total ignorance of the power of Global Britain.

It seems Ms Merkel, in theory an experienced governor and international relations expert, has overplayed her already weak hand and struck discussion of Brexit off the to do list for a regional summit.

“Mr Johnson is going to have to take personal charge of Ms Merkel’s dereliction of duty,” one Tory MP told LCD Views, “he will summon her to his office and watch as Cummings sorts her out in his own way. You see. They’ll only be discussing Brexit at their little red tape gala.”

The move to intervene at the start of the crisis displays a flexibility in approach to government by Mr Johnson, it will surprise some, but not avid fans.

“Normally he waits until the bin fire is raging before strolling over with a half drunk cup of water to extinguish the blaze,” the MP noted, “this time he’s got a can of gasoline and he’s involved right at the get go. He had to clear a weekend break in Tuscany out of his diary for this. Impressive leadership.”

But what if Ms Merkel doesn’t see sense and bow to Mr Johnson, and the UK’s reinvigorated global might?

“Well the next move is obvious,” the MP shrugged, “David Davis will be on the blower to the German automotive sector and then Merkel will really be in for it!”

“I’m ahead of Sturgeon in breaking up UK!” – Johnson hits back at criticism he just follows Sturgeon’s lead on CV-19

MAKING THE RUNNING : WORLD RENOWNED PRIME MINISTER Boris Johnson has hit back today over criticisms about his style of pandemic governance.

“Some willywobblers have been unfairly complaining that I am not leading in the fight against Covid-19, but rather waiting for the Scots to make a move and then following,” Mr Johnson told the country, via a video link set up in a tent on a movie set.

“This is not the case! Take back control from Sturgeon my backbenchers cry? I…I…I…I do not, I say I DO NOT sit idly waiting for the results of our private polling, and how seemingly killing the vulnerable is hitting my numbers, and then glance over to see what Sturgeon is doing. This is not the case. Mostly I am drinking. Just look at my record. How many buses I have made from empty wine crates? Like Agamemnon launching a thousand shits I will row, row, row my boat forcibly up Covid’s streams!”

But in spite of the firm denial from the placeman in No 10, the pattern is now firmly established.

Our internal expert says – “Basically it’s a calculation of how many votes will be lost if X number of voters die + how rich Tory party donors can get off the back of Covid-19 before a tightening of policy. That’s how it seems. So once the polling shows a significant drop in support it’s a decision of either extending the eat out to help out food+porn initiative, or actually putting in place guidance to prevent preventable deaths? With a side calculation of how much political gain Sunak is experiencing by fiscal bungs to the populace, versus Mr Johnson’s own all important centralising of political power? Managing a pandemic is incredibly complex. It’s not just a case of doing the bleedingly obvious to avoid a cold virus spreading.”

At least that’s clear now. And Mr Johnson had a final stinging retort for his critics.

“Even if, and I say this with my fists clenched for BATTLE! EVEN IF, even so, even if like the Minotaur faced with a man armed with a ball of wool and a stick I may appear to be following Nicola Sturgeon’s lead on Covid-19, after so many entirely sensible U-turns, there is one area where I am well ahead of the Scottish problem. I am by far making all the running in breaking up the United Kingdom! Huzzah!”

Brexit algorithm downgrades United Kingdom to England

GETTING SMALLER ALL THE TIME : THE CONSERVATIVE AND UNIONIST PARTY, AKA BREXIT PARTY, has hailed the success of its latest algorithm.

The algorithm concerned has been in operation since 2015 (although some point to analogue versions that have been used since the 1970’s) and has successfully downgraded the United Kingdom to England.

“It will take time for the full impact of the regrading to be obvious,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “but Prime Minister Cummings is exceptionally pleased with the results.”

It’s not the first time such an algorithm has been used to successfully downgrade a functioning parliamentary democracy, governing a multitude of various regions, into just one.

“But it’s one of the most obvious.”

And now the algorithm has been used to shed the United Kingdom of the parts not given to English nationalism it has been turned inward to make further changes.

“Big Ben is being replaced by an hourglass, which some critics have labelled a job creation scheme, as someone has to turn it every hour. But we think the feeling of pride to be gained in the job is worth it. Especially as an aide to Liz Truss sells hour glasses by the batch for only £252m.”

But as part of the Cummings/Johnson administrations commitment to levelling up the country, the North will see changes too.

“The Angel of the North is going to be replaced by a Wicker Man. This will ensure summer harvest is always celebrated in the traditional way. Whoever fails the patriot score the heaviest, after algorithm regrading, will be placed inside. It’ll be a reviving of a classic festival in which the entire country can come together and warm the cockles of their hearts.”

Still, there’s always a critic, with some pointing out that the UK has been Little Britain since the 23/06/16 and there’s little real point in a further downgrading.

“I think the whole world now sees us for who we have become,” one said, “this continual regrading is just a PR exercise to make it look like the government is doing something.”

EU Withdrawal Agreement torn up as it doesn’t say “Two World Wars and One World Cup” in title

UKIP MPS RULZ : MPS OF THE (FORMERLY) CONSERVATIVE AND UNIONIST PARTY have called for the Brexit Withdrawal Agreement, negotiated with the EU last year, to be torn up. It is missing a vital ingredient.

“Where Global Britain,” a ham faced pork knuckle, somehow elected to the Mother of Parliaments, told LCD Views, “and wee one the war. Any international treatie negotiated from here on must contain a reference to past conflicts inn it’s title.”

The demand is not surprising, as shifting goal posts mid game is the MO of Brexiters.

“They have to acknowledge our status as sovereign equals,” another MP told LCD Views, while bashing his head into a jar of pickles. “The whole point of leaving the EU was to take back control and hand it from Brussels to Moscow, Washington, Beijing. Actually a very internationalist spread of capital cities. Global Britain – now everyone’s whipping boy. Some of us will get very rich.”

Whether or not the EU will agree to reopen a legally binding, international agreement, that Mr Johnson and his chums presented as a resounding success, this isn’t clear.

“They may give the UK a math lesson. Which is greater? 1 or 27?” a quiet voice at the back said.

“Once they see we hold all the cards they’ll cave to the demands of the German automotive sector and give us what we want,” someone else said, presumably David Davis, en route to be upcycled as a plank of chipboard.

But what is this missing ingredient?

“The agreement essentially just has to be retitled and any legally binding obligations on the UK government removed, because we are pretty useless at sticking to them.”

Retitled to what?

“Two World Wars and One World Cup, of course. We’re Global Britain. Get over it.”