Category: Brexit

It’s Christmas time. There’s no need to be afraid. Bob Geldof is at it again.
It seems like every year nowadays you can’t move for a new Band Aid lineup re-recording that bloody song again. Now fair enough, the original was great and had a great singalong value, but we don’t need endless permutations of new stars re-recording it every bloody year.

So this year they’re doing something different. The song they’re recording this year uses the same music but is called “Do They Know What Brexit Means At All”, and has rewritten lyrics designed to acknowledge that another vote would be good and to remind them of the benefits of EU membership.

“It just seemed like the right time to do it,” Bob Geldof explained. “So we thought we’d give it a full on campaign song.”

The latest Band Aid lineup includes modern musicians like Paloma Faith alongside older stars, including some like Sting who featured on the original record back in 1984. Bono reprises his line “Well tonight thank God it’s them instead of you!” yet again, which gives him the unique opportunity to chart precisely how much his vocal chords have deteriorated in the last three decades.

The original coda of “feed the world – let them know it’s Christmas time again” now goes “teach the Brits – let them know that Europe loves them still.”
There is an unconfirmed rumour that Theresa May is trying to get the song banned from the radio airwaves.

Early sales figures suggest that it could become a smash hit Christmas number 1.

The illusory Brexit Dividends have been whittled away. ‘Sunlit Uplands’ has been downgraded to ‘we survived worse disasters’. Just about the only thing remaining in Brexit’s favour is the Damoclean sword that is Article 50, or A50 for short.

Numerous groups have popped up on social media sites such as Faceblock, Snapcrap and Twit, devoted solely to lovers of A50. One hardcore Brexiter member of such groups has taken his devotion to new levels, by driving between Leicester and Stoke at every opportunity.

“I love to drive this route,” claims the aforementioned Brexiter, Ron Gendofstick. “To me, nothing says ‘Brexit’ more vividly than bypassing the East Midlands. Bypassing the EM is a metaphor for the fact that Britain will be able to bypass the EU without having to negotiate the notorious Brussels one-way system.”

LCD Views took the opportunity to travel the route with Ron, in order to unravel the mysteries of Brexit.

“Well, here we are in sunny Leicester,” said Ron, shaking the raindrops off his coat as we climbed into his classic Austin Cambridge A50. “Keep your coat on, the heater’s knackered. Oh, and the roof leaks. Here we go!”

Half an hour later, we were still stuck in the city centre. Ron missed the turning. “We’ll have to go round again,” he said. “Except the ring road is more like horseshoe shaped. It’s like where we are in the negotiations, going round in circles and getting frustrated. Bugger, more red lines, I mean red lights.”

Eventually Ron found the way out. Missing Coalville (“Bloody militant miners!” grumbled Ron) for a short pull up the motorway, before turning west to bypass Derby. A long and featureless drive ended with us plunging through Stoke on an underpass, before reaching the junction with the M6. What now? we asked.

“Nothing to see here,” Ron replied. “Better turn back and enjoy it all again!”

A long and pointless drive, just to return to where you started, but tired and worse off?

“That’s the Road to Brexit!” claimed Ron happily. “I’m going to do it all over again. Bye!”

But why drive from Leicester to Stoke in the first place? Simple. The best thing to come out of Leicester is the A50.

Contagious news for lovers of changing global reputations today with the announcement that famous bacterium, Yersinia pestis, has been renamed in honour of the United Kingdom’s achievements from 2016 to present.

”It needs a gong,” Professor Caut Redutebatur told LCD Views, “the work you as a country have been doing on the global stage. I mean, just wow, it’s so irresistible, you’ve now former ministers of state wanting to threaten allies and friends with food blackmail. Priti Patel is quite something, in such a crowded field too, a proper pustule. but that’s just the bursting cherry on top. From the moment Theresa May personally decided to trigger Article 50, very likely in a non-constitutional way, just because she hates foreigners? Such a public statement by an entire country? It’s like sneezes on everyone at the dinner table all at once just after telling them you’ve TB! So, a plague upon your houses! Ha! Have an award!”

The change in name will be automatically applied globally from midday today.

”It’s going to be retrospective too, just to really rub the old tincture in. Now when kids learn about the great plagues, they’ll be reading your name instead. It’s only fitting, it’s got to catch with or without the help of flea bearing rats. Especially when you run out the possibilities of what Brexit unleashes. A plague upon everyone’s houses! Ha!”

To find out the reaction to the change to the famous diseases name we decided to talk to the four horsemen of the apocalypse. World renowned experts in this field.

”Hello?” Iain Duncan Smith answered the phone, “is it me, David Davis, Jacob Rees-mogg or an international clique of kleptomaniac fascists you’re looking for?”

You’ll do Iain, what do you think?

”A tissue, a tissue,” he replied, “thanks to Brexsinia brexit, we all fall down.”

If only there was a cure…

Nigel Farage, the allegedly charismatic face of closet gammons everywhere, has made his move. Having seduced the Conservative Party, put the wind up David Cameron and secured his reputation as a rentagobshite, resigning from UKIP is his latest desperate attempt to remain relevant.

His beloved Brexit is, at time of publication, collapsing in a tragicomical manner. UKIP has been reduced to a laughing stock, and is flirting with the entitled thug Tommy Robinson. This is a racist lurch too far even for Farage, who prefers his fascists to wear a suit.

“It’s time I returned to mainstream politics!” coughed the man himself, dragging on a Capstan Full Strength outside The Old Bull And Shit. “UKIP is no longer a suitable vehicle for my unrealistic fantasies. I only formed the party in an effort to seduce Katie Hopkins!”

Which begs the question, what does an MEP who rarely attends sessions, has quit his own party, and has his mucky fingers in more pies than Little Jack Horner, do now?

“Well, the obvious choice is to become Prime Minister!” Farage wheezes, chugging on his IPA. “Frontline means frontline. I could walk into the job tomorrow!”

That would mean an election. Or, put another way, it means allowing The People to vote again.

“Not at all!” spluttered Farage, stifling a belch. “It’s not a big deal. It will be the easiest deal in history. I need a disgruntled constituency party to deselect their sitting MP. Someone like Chris Grayling, or Nadine Dorries, or Andrew Bridgen, someone that nobody’s ever going to miss. Walk up to Number Ten, knock on the door, tell Theresa to do one. Cushty!”

Nobody is sure why Farage want to do this. He has a cushy number already, sucking on the EU’s teat while broadcasting bile to the nation on LBC Radio, and a weekly guest spot on BBC Question Time. His stock has fallen like gravy on the floor.

Brexit is at Breaking Point. Nigel Farage may be the man to break it for good.

The government is on the back foot today over details of their soon to be released post Brexit survival kits.

The kits will be available free of charge to members of the Conservative Party, but available at a modest retail price of £750,000 for everyone else.

”That’s just the average price of a burgundy passport available for purchase from one of the smaller EU27 states,” Vlad “the” Impaler, junior minister at DExEU told LCD Views, “although of course most wealthy Tory backers will already have purchased a second citizenship as a Brexit contingency and so we will give them a kit gratis to thank them for supporting Theresa May’s deal.”

But while the RRP of surviving in a post Brexit U.K. may not ultimately be too controversial, the kits have been positively and negatively slammed for not including recipes for common household pets.

”I expect any sensible person already employs a cook who knows all the ways to skin a cat,” Vlad shrugged, “and guinea pigs and dogs and even snakes, for that matter. It’s really just a manufactured complaint. And anyone who hasn’t applied themselves to be born with a silver spoon will presumably just eat a cat raw? Won’t they?”

So that’s that criticism rebuffed too. But what about the complaint that a diving manual, a lifeboat, a life jacket and a whistle are also missing?

We asked Labour what they made of this latest Tory furore?

”A Labour government would not have “the” Vlad the Impaler as a junior minister at a jobs first Brexit focused DExEU,” Keir Starmer slapped down, “But “a” Vlad “an” Impaler.”

And that will make all the difference to your chances of survival post Brexit.

The brains behind Theresa May’s misselling strategy to get the great British public to swallow, without sugar, the toxic discharge of her Brexit WA and PD have hit today upon a sure fire way to con everyone into buying it.

“Who better to accompany Ms May on her around the U.K. sales trip than a infamous British automotive dealer of questionable quality second hand cars?” Mr Con Merchant, guiding strategist at Downing Street, told us, “it was actually Gove’s idea. Every bit of deceptive genius always is.”

How Ms May, famous for being strongest when working independently, will feel about being a double act is not yet clear.

”We will have Arthur Daley convince her himself and he’ll probably sell her one of Prescott’s old Jags while he’s at it,” Mr Merchant said, “and if things get sticky Terry can pop round and have a word in her ear, to the wise, like.”

Mr Daley himself has been unavailable for comment since the announcement, but is currently believed to be hiding in the gents of a boozer out of fear that Ms May is a disgruntled customer.

”We will get word to him that ‘er indoors has a Brexit bus going begging to be sold with a massive profit if it’s pulled off. That there are 17.4M suckers lined up to pay well over the odds for something that was clearly never going to work, and which anyone could find out for themselves if they only had access to Google. The world will be his oyster. He’ll be up for it.”

Brexit, a nice little earner, if you’re a currency trader, like say, half the government.

LCD Views brings you an exclusive interview today with world famous cartographer and professor of imaginary geography, Professor Barrow Gopher.

The interview took place in the basement map room made famous by the 2016 BBC Channel 3 science special, “Map means map”.

”Did you know this building used to be a Wetherspoons?” Professor Gopher begins the interview, with a question, underlining his reputation as an unconventional quack.

We didn’t. How did it come to be your internationally regarded (with suspicion, mostly) geographical laboratory?

”Easy. I took a Labradoodle, that is a drawing of a dog done in a whimsical style, and I put it into a blender with a Tory. The resulting mess is my lab.”

And that was enough to convince Tim Martin to sell out?

”Oh, pure personal greed and a skewed sense of personally divinity did that. But these premises were the site of the last Wetherspoons pub, when they went into administration in 2022 and no one would buy the chain”

Or the load of balls attached to it?

”Indeed, but please don’t interrupt me when I’m giving you a pearl of wisdom or I’ll terminate the interview.”

Touchy!

We’re sorry. Please tell our ginormous international audience about your most recent discovery?

”Well, you would have heard about the weird little island Spanish and French fishing crews have reported sighting off the coast of France and the Netherlands?”

Who hasn’t? It’s rumoured to smell very strongly of xenophobic horseshit and to be sinking at a rate so fast even rising sea levels can’t account for it.”

”It’s the U.K.”

Are you sure? Please be mindful that the age of experts is over.

”And the age of idiots has begun.”

It certainly seems so. But how can you prove this assertion?

”Merely by opening any window and smelling what’s outside.”

Professor Barrow thank you for your time.

I prefer to be called Cart. You’re welcome. Pick up a beer mat on your way out. There collectors items you know [they’re*].

 

The strangest winter migration of all is occurring, right now in the UK. The nation’s unicorns have decided to move, as a body, out of the UK and onto the continent.

The unicorn is normally a shy and reclusive creature. It does not migrate or hibernate in winter, although small localised movements have always occurred. Now there is a completely overt and unashamed exodus taking place. Even the most stubborn, traditionally found in the affluent Home Counties, are on the move. Reports indicate that both leprechauns and the tooth fairy have joined the march.

LCD Views was fortunate enough to talk to one of the unicorn leaders, Faith Overfacts, as she floated south-eastwards upon her magic rainbow.

“People have finally stopped believing in us,” said Overfacts, with a touch of bitterness. “Our hold over the imagination of the public has been slipping for a while, but the Prime Minister’s botched deal with the European Union was the final straw. So we are escaping from the horse-tile environment.”

Is not even the powerful adulation of small girls enough to keep you here?

“The sad reality of the situation is that even small girls understand that unicorns are fictional,” replied Overfacts sadly. “The unbelief is restricting our movements and destroying our breeding grounds. We have been belittled and mocked, depicted as donkeys wearing a traffic cone, or mules in party hats. Our continental neighbours are far more understanding. We are show jumpers, not queue jumpers.”

The good ship Brexit is going down with all hands. The unicorns are fleeing the sinking ship.

One man has decided to take unilateral action. Watching his leadership ambitions float away with the unicorns, Michael Gove has sprung into action. He has travelled to Dover with as much barbed wire as he can lay his clammy hands on, in order to trap the fleeing beasts. As usual, he is taking action without taking responsibility as the unicorns can evade him without any difficulty.

Magical thinking is leaving the country bereft of fairy tales. And they certainly will not live happily ever after.

One of the unexpected bonuses of Brexit is the opportunity to fund, design and build a GPS system from scratch. Obviously, the EU will not be able to access it, so it will operate in the timeless void that is Boris Johnson’s head.

Initial designs seen by LCD Views indicate that UK Galileo will operate by clockwork and be calibrated in Imperial units. The construction process is top secret, but GCHQ has already stockpiled quantities of timber and nails.

The British project has already been named the Hoyle Project, in honour of plucky British scientist Sir Fred Hoyle. Hoyle always tried hard, but so often got it wrong.

Technology expert Dick Klever was on hand to unravel the mysteries of the project. “Already we can see the Britishness of the project,” claims Klever. “English oak, nails made in Birmingham, Sheffield steel, and a large selection of pies.”

Ignoring the fact that nails haven’t been made in Birmingham for many years, what’s the deal with sending pasties into space?

“That’s the really good bit!” exclaims Klever. “We will send pies into the sky for real.”

That makes perfect sense, but why do the designs show that the finished product will be arch-shaped?

“The Hoyle project aims to bridge the gap between Johnson’s ears, and also, more ambitiously, the gap between Brexiter fantasy and cold hard facts,” explained Klever. “Also, there is a potato-shaped section, named the Bridgen bridge. It forms a Bridgen over untroubled thought.”

But surely, there is not much physical space between Boris Johnson’s ears?

“It’s like the TARDIS,” said Klever patiently. “There’s an almost infinite void inside, augmented by the so-called Bridgen Area. Hoyle should transmit impractical, elevated concepts into the blond receptor for many years to come.”

The only stumbling block is the difficulty of finding a half-decent carpenter who has not found work by jumping a queue.