Frog in a boiling pot goes on tour of United Kingdom

LCD Views has the pleasure to be the first to announce that a well known and highly regarded frog in a boiling pot of water has gone on a UK wide tour.

“We thought it’s best to take the frog on the road now,” specialist animal handler JRM told LCD Views, “as I fancy I’m going to put the lid on the pot any day now. I’ve been trying to train it with gradual increases in heat, but each time I think it’s going to do exactly as I order, well, it tries to jump out of the water. I’m about done with it.”

Still, while the frog remains it will be sure to impress people in all the nations of the optimistically named United Kingdom.

“I have taught it to croak out some lovely phrases,” JRM informs us, “people said you can’t teach a frog to speak, but we’ve proven them wrong. If the flame nudges up in intensity every day, just a little bit, it’s amazing what you can teach a captive, but limited, intellect to say.”

Strong and united is apparently the latest effort.

“It’s hilarious. Sometimes I weep a little with mirth when I consider the accuracy needed to make every statement the frog croaks out immediately self-contradictory. It’s like an attempt to put the fire out in a burning house merely by affirmation.”

But shouldn’t the frog have croaked it by now, given the heat of the water?

“Well, to be honest, I don’t think my little beauty quite understands how hot the water is. Denial is a vital part of the act.”

The tour is expected to be brief, but only because so few people could be pre-arranged to come and smile at what is now just an exercise in cruelty.

“It’s my speciality,” JRM adds, “just imagine me as prime minister one day?”

UK to lose tug of war as both UK teams are on one side

Breaking news from the world of sports this evening says the smart money is betting on the United Kingdom to lose the tug of war it is currently waging as both U.K. teams are on one side.

LCD Views spoke to Emily Thorn-should-be-in-Tory-neocon-coup-Brexit-side to find out more.

”I go home and scream into my bathroom sink each night,” she told us,

“I’m just packing it over the fear of deselection by Momentum now.

My doctor said he sees the early signs of Stockholm Syndrome afflicting me too, just like poor lost Keir.

But I’m sure blah, blah, blah Momentum with their fanatical insistence on adherence to dogma will look after me if I just do what they say, like all the other MPs who are so removed in life experience from real threats to the United Kingdom that they have no idea what to do in the face of a coup of parliament by tax haven serving thugs.”

It’s not surprising the opposition is so confused, as the tug of war is actually an usual three way contest, and there are more tugs of war happening at once than usual.

”It’s bloody puzzling,” Emily continued, “we’re supposed to just be tugging hard at the governing party, but my own party is run by a bunch of old men now who missed the boat Castro was on and think they can swim out to it now in a Lexit row boat. So they’re actually tugging with Theresa May the puppet and hoping to push her into the mud at the last tug.”

It’s not going to work, is it?

”No. The EU have the 21st Century on its team and they’re going to totally stuff us. But what can you do? Except try and make the best of it?”

You can remember as an elected representative you’re supposed to be protecting the United Kingdom from clear and obvious destruction. You’re supposed to put country before party.

”Oh you thought criminal you. You’re totally for it when my good, good, we never deselect me friends take over from the lying, cheating con artists currently in power.”

BBC to focus solely on mouse in the room until the elephant buggers off from boredom

Brexit was always a case of smoke and mirrors. Our national, and supposedly impartial, broadcaster, the BBC, has a duty to investigate this and report the truth.

It is, of course, entirely coincidental that the government would like the state-funded broadcaster to look the other way when it suits them.

There are serious issues at stake here. If Brexit is to succeed, then trade deals, border controls and immigration worries must be resolved. These require delicate and detailed negotiations, not sleight-of-hand. Our government is neither delicate nor detailed. Its Empire-sized ego has made promises it cannot possibly deliver upon. Nothing concrete, just tooth-rotting quantities of fudge.

Take that, EU bullies!

Ironically, it is the attention to detail and practicalities that the EU has shown which are doing the most damage to the UK’s cause. Our desire to escape EU bureaucracy is foundering upon EU bureaucracy.

Anti-Brexit marches have taken place. You wouldn’t know this from the BBC. The People are speaking, but the BBC is not listening.

Instead, the BBC is gratefully obsessing about Russians, gleefully distracting attention from matters closer to home. A cynic may well wonder if the Skripal poisonings were ordered by High Command for this very reason.

This is distraction theory. It allows the BBC to focus on the mouse in the room at the expense of the elephant.

There it is! Focus, people! Focus!

Meanwhile, Jacob Rees-Mogg loftily informs the cave-dwellers that there is no such thing as mammoths, before setting off on a mission to hunt for ivory.

“I’m getting bored of being ignored,” said the elephant, coincidentally named Donald Tusk. “I’m going to deposit another massive load of poo in the House of Commons. Then I’m packing my trunk and saying goodbye to the circus. I’m going to bugger off and take up residence in the BBC newsroom for a bit. Someone might notice me then!”

It is a third coincidence that elephants are scared of mice. Which, presumably, is another reason why the mouse was released into the room in the first place.

Brexit voter trusting “you lost, get over it” still works when evidence of ballot box stuffing emerges

LCD Views has conducted a snap poll of everyone in the United Kingdom today to see what people expect to come out next from the daily unfolding of ‘irregularities’ in the vote for Brexit.

“Ballot box stuffing by Brexiters was the top expectation,” Green Searchlight told an eager editorial meeting,

“far and away the top. Now that the Cambridge Analytica story has exposed the illegalities and overspending by the Brexit campaign.

Putin personally emailing May to instruct her to say ‘Brexit means Brexit’ is number two. He also fed her ‘red, white and blue Brexit’ as they’re his colours too. He stopped after ‘strong and stable’. This is because his catchphrases seem to work better at home. He’s now just supporting Rees-mogg with his bikini girl bot farms and laughing as we slide over the cliff edge.

A distant third is Boris Johnson denying he also slept with Stormy Daniels, although according to political analysts that’s actually the most likely revelation next.”

But surely Brexiters don’t expect to have to ignore further, damning evidence that they’ve been had by a bunch of conmen and charlatans into giving up decades of accrued rights, all in exchange for fattening up the tax havens?

“Brexiters expect it too,” Green explained, “they just don’t give a shit.

Anyone who is still backing Brexit now, after all the broken promises, the reality crushing nature of trying to make a gain from leaving the world’s largest trading bloc and then negotiating against it, the likelihood of destabilising the young peace in Northern Ireland and all the rest, well, they can’t exactly be accused of still supporting Leave out of a reasoned position.”

Blind faith?

“It’ll see you through. Well, until the crushing defeat at the end. But at least you’ll die with a blue passport clutched in your cold, dead hand.”

How is the government expected to respond when the evidence of old fashioned ballot box stuffing emerges?

“Theresa May has been practising for the moment. She knows it’s coming.”

What’s she going to do?

“She’s going to say that she is delivering on the will of the British people, who voted on the 23rd June 2016 to leave the European Union. She’s then going to declare war on Spain.”

She’s what?

“She’ll do what she needs to do to see Brexit through. Anything short of crashing out of the European Union will be a betrayal of the avoidance of taxation for eyewateringly wealthy people that her party is committed to.”

For the many, not the few. When it’s time to vote again, what will you do?

Hannibal Lectre confident of remaining Downing Street doctor as May doesn’t fire anyone no matter what

Doctor Hannibal Lectre has spoken exclusively to LCD Views today to tell us he is “confident of remaining Downing Street doctor, as Theresa May doesn’t fire anyone no matter how serious the charge.”

The Doctor has good reason to be confident of keeping his position when you consider the scandals and lying that have enveloped May’s cabinet.

”I admit that Ms Patel was forced to resign for attempting to funnel British taxpayer’s money to a foreign military, but that was only because Ms May doesn’t like her on a personal level. The actual wrongdoing wouldn’t have been sufficient otherwise. And she still got to resign, which means she can come back when it’s perceived she maybe an electoral asset.”

The Doctor went on to list several well known names and the charges against them, and Ms May’s inability to fire them.

”Boris Johnson? An incompetent clown who systematically alienates people he is supposed to befriend. A prime minister with any backbone would have fired him multiple times. I personally wouldn’t cannibalise him. Too much fat. Not enough meat. And that’s just in the brain.”

Liam Fox, a man who hides friends behind curtains.

”David Davis. Caught lying to parliament and no action. This is because his job is to lie to parliament. His liver is Swiss cheese by the way, you’re welcome to it.”

Jeremy Hunt? Dismantling the health service piece by piece as instructed to do.

The Doctor says he would make a good soup.

”Chris Grayling? I wouldn’t even fatten my hogs on him.”

But surely the Doctor’s own crimes are so bad as to warrant at least demotion?

”Did I systematically lie to an entire country in order to put it on the slab to be cannibalised by tax havens? That’s what the good Mr Johnson and Michael Gove have done. By the way, if you see Michael please warn me, he’s the only man alive who scares me.”

JCB sponsor Boris Johnson as a normal shovel is no longer big enough for what he’s shovelling

Boris Johnson was found in an upbeat and reinvigorated mood this morning as he took to the streets of north London to cause traffic jams, while lumbering about in a manner which vaguely brings to mind a man jogging.

We sent a correspondent along to slow walk beside him and ask what’s changed?

Has he succeeded in getting the undertaker Phil to open the chequebook and get Nazanin home?

”Pah!” the United Kingdom’s Foreign Secretary puffed back, “who is that again? Anyway, the half a billion quid is going into the pocket of some continental chaps to pay for blue freedom passports, which symbolise the loss of freedom of movement to British youth.”

What has caused this outbreak of good cheer then?

Russia agreed to pull another stunt so your government and the official opposition has a new dead cat to throw on the table for weeks?

”We need one! The toxic shock tabby has broken into its constituent components. Wibble! Mind the pot hole! Wobble!”

Our correspondent took care to avoid the holes being made in the bitumen by Johnson’s massive hooves.

Thanks for the warning. These roads are in a shocking state.

So what’s put the fire in your engine?

”JCB, those brave stalwarts of Leave, have agreed to be the official sponsor of my new campaign! Hotwot! Tot for tot!”

Bullshitting for Britain?

”That’s the tiger! Got it by the tail now! Nick of time too. This Cambridge Analytica business and the alleged illegal spending and collusion by the Leave campaign is going to take a mountain of bullshit to conceal!”

Yes, sometimes an ordinary shovel isn’t enough.

“You just watch me dig once I’m in the cab of that yellow terror! BeLeave me!”

We’ve been watching you dig for years now Foreign Secretary.

”It’s a hoot! I’ll be breaking through to China any day now!”

Or hitting rock bottom…we’ll soon see.

University of life graduates assigned to confused millennials to explain how great England was before the EU ruined it

Wonderful news for confused millennials today with the announcement that graduates from the University of Life are going to be assigned to explain how great England was, before membership of the European Union ruined it.

”The discussions will be patient at first,” Michael Gove told LCD Views’ Sunday morning digest, “but for millennials who are unconvinced by the hazy and selective recollections of their betters, strident phrases maybe required.”

The people had a vote is clearly top draw, mostly for how little sense it makes in the context of democracies, as that’s what they do, and then do again when circumstances change.

”If young people are that bothered they should have voted, even if they couldn’t, this will also have to be explained repeatedly,” Michael added, “but surely mentioning the sense of community encouraged by lack ought to do it.”

To deepen the impact of the discussions, they will be held in local pubs festooned with Saint George flags, and if possible establishments that go silent when someone presumed to be foreign enters.

But what if the strategy falls flat?

”Rest assures we’re not launching a lead balloon off the Dover cliffs,” Mr Gove soothed, “how can having a pensioner who received free university education at a time of liberating social forces and when houses cost a pound not have a misguided millennial hankering to go back in time too?”

But you must hVe developed a contingency plan for those thick younger voters who nostalgia just can not educate?

”Don’t make me laugh! Contingency planning? This shower of a government? Ha!

If they fail at the University of Life they’ll be enrolled in the school of hard knocks, where they should have been anyway, instead of pouncing about the continent with the wrong coloured passports”

If you are in need of reminding how great England was before the EU ruined everything with greater rights and freedoms, get ready, the time machine is coming to save you and it will deploy phrases that are both tired and tested.

EU agrees guidelines for telling UK exactly what to do in the next stage of Brexit

The British political establishment was in a celebratory mood today, ably assisted by interesting interpretations on BBC Radio4 PM programme, as the EU announced it had agreed the guidelines for telling the United Kingdom exactly what it will do in the next stage of Brexit.

“Theresa May is bloody relieved I can tell you,” Downing Street insider Ms Getme Outnow told LCD Views, “she’s been fretting like mad that they’d keep her waiting till Monday and she’s just lost without EU setting out nice, easy to follow instructions for when and how she will concede and rub out her red lines. It’s nice to have a voice of sanity when you’re nominally in charge of an insane government.”

It’s believed the agreement on the guidelines will also give certainty to businesses of all sizes in the United Kingdom, anxious to know exactly when to strap on their parachutes as the UK’s combined political establishment hurl the country over the Dover cliffs.

“Let’s just hope no one brings up the Irish Border again,” Getme said, “because it’s bloody unsolvable. So we hope to take that little problem over the cliff with us.

That’s not to say the inheritance millionaires running England have an imperial mindset towards the Irish and couldn’t actually give a shit what happens over there.

They really do have a more compassionate state of mind. They anticipate the Irish buckling under and doing what they’re told by people like Rees-mogg. So it’s all going to be fine. Also, there is absolutely no threat to all the rights built up for the common man over the last several decades.”

It’s expected Ms May and her ministers will study the EU’s new do’s and don’ts for them going forward.

“I do hope their reading comprehension is better this time. The EU has essentially been saying the same thing for nearly two years, because they can, because they’re half a billion people almost and the most powerful trading bloc on earth. At least they’re staying polite. Which is more than we can say for Boris.”

Asked for comment on how Labour sees the latest development in the UK being lead like a confused and lost child to the end of its economy, a Labour spokesman said,

“Jobs first Brexit. Oh, and we’ve just sacked Owen for thought crime on Brexit.”

Jobs first Brexit continues to make about as much sense as Brexit means Brexit.

Farage on the run after smashing up Gutenberg press to protest blue passport procurement

Nigel Farage is the focus of a cross Europe police hunt this morning after smashing up the Gutenberg press to protest the decision by the Home Office to award manufacture of the patotriotic blue passport to a Franco-Dutch business, and not a British one with a French name.

”Europol issued the arrest warrant shortly after 5am for a man described as a human ashtray made from reptile skin, slippery, shadowless, hollow, deeply hypocritical and clutching a German passport in one hand and a hammer in the other,” LCD’s cultural Luddite correspondent reports.

CCTV footage shows the man swaying on the pavement outside of the museum in Gutenberg at 4am, shouting at passers by and demanding bags of money in either roubles or Euros, and also demanding to be shown the location of the nearest Belgian waitress.

”The hammer is believed to have been made in China,” our correspondent continues, “although it’s expected Mr Farage will write Sheffield on the expenses form.”

Questions why an elder statesmen of British political life would indulge in criminal behaviour and damage a priceless cultural and technological artefact from European history haven’t been asked.

”He was happy to stand in front of a billboard mirroring Nazi propaganda during the EUref campaign.

Her Majesty’s Government was happy to validate his agenda and make it our international policy, the leader of the official opposition has also aligned himself with all this by backing Brexit, so smashing up an invaluable tool for sharing knowledge is not exactly surprising.

More so, given the current policy foundations of Westminster decision making are predominantly ignorance and magical thinking, which is Brexit.”

But it’s bekeived Mr Farage’s protest will have one exciting outcome.

”It shows everyone, everywhere that Global Britain is not to be messed with. We’re going to lay out new rules for trade deals and people are going to sign up. If they don’t Nigel will pull a stunt and that’ll learn ‘em.”

LCD Views commends Nigel for his courage and we believe with this symbolic act of destruction he has rewritten European history, again.

Brexit Dad helps British fisheries by taking his son angling by the canal

Brexit Dad Figel Narage is very upset about the future of fishing in UK waters. Feeling a responsibility to do something, he has taken a one-man stand. Narage is taking his son fishing by the local canal.

Narage’s protest stems from the concession of fisheries policy. The UK has gloriously taken back control by permitting the EU to dictate fisheries policy during the Brexit transition phase.

Narage’s near namesake, Nigel Farage, the face, voice and empty bank account of UKIP, has done his bit by attending as many as one out of 42 fisheries committee meetings.

Clearly, Farage’s valiant efforts have been in vain, so Brexit Dad is taking up his mantle. Armed with only a big stick with a string tied to it, and a butterfly net, Narage and son are Fishing For Britain.

“It’s my way of making a difference,” claimed Narage, from under a dripping umbrella. “The EU cannot impose quotas on British waterways! And there is no way I am chucking any back in, so there.”

Brexit Dad impaled another maggot on his home-made fish-hook and cast off hopefully. A partly-submerged shopping trolley and a solitary duck gazed back.

How much have you caught? we asked Figel junior, sitting sullenly in the drizzle.

He lifted the net. “Nothing,” he moaned. “We’ve been here hours. I’m dripping wet and freezing cold. I want to go home and play GTA 5, but Dad says I’ve got to stay.”

“Isn’t this great?” said Figel senior, ignoring his son. “I think we’re really bonding here. We will go home as soon as we have caught enough fish for tea.”

“I don’t even like fish!” wailed Figel junior.

The gifted British amateur is beating the so-called experts at their own game. We left Figel senior and junior to dissolve in the rain on principle.

Meanwhile, we heard a rumour that Mrs Narage, Krystyna, and her daughter Figella, were stuffing their faces at a friendly, European-owned Italian restaurant. But steering clear of the fish.