Brexit cookbook updated to include microwaveable recipes for mobile phones

All across the land today potatriotic cooks and dodgy accountants working for dodgier politicians, the kind of work that makes you hungry, are celebrating with the latest update to the Brexit cookbook.

“When you’re deciding the fate of an entire continent you have to eat right,” David Davis, recently demoted from Head Chef to Commis Chef, said, “you’ve got to eat brain food. As much brain food as you can stomach. Mmmm brains. Brains.”

And what food could be brainer than modern micro-electronics?

“Exactly, and this diet has added security benefits,” Davis explained, “because no mobile phone is more secure than one that’s been in a microwave for ten minutes circling around on high power.”

Are these dessert recipes or entrees?

“Good question, we haven’t decided that, we’ve been so busy working on which sauces to baste and drizzle and drench the phones in, and just how high the power needs to be, that we hadn’t decided what course they are. Bit silly of us. But we’re more big picture people, the detail is for others. This will allow chefs all across the UK to get creative.”

So the Brexit cookbook is not just cannibalism related now?

“No! Isn’t it marvellous. We’re so smart! In fact these recipes will likely extend the lives of family pets.”

How so?

“Well, before you eat fido or Mr Chips, you can work through that collection of old mobiles you’ve got in a drawer in the study.”

It sounds to us that post Brexit food supplies are now more secure than ever.

“You just leave it to us. Right now our top secret team is working on a microwave big enough to hold the entire ERG. Once we step inside no one will know what we’re talking about. The noise of the microwave oven in operation will drown out our words. And our spinning in circles will make it impossible for lip readers!”

I trust you with our country’s future. And remember, as the brains behind Brexit the cookbook say, when you’ve finished cooking your books, why not fry your phone!

Nigel Farage denies knowing Arron Banks

Nigel Farage was in a forgetful mood today when he used his famous LBC Breakfash show ‘Bring Back the Fash’ to deny knowing Arron Banks.

“I’ve never met him. I’ve never heard of him. Frankly, and I want to make this perfectly clear, I don’t know who you are talking about. I don’t even have car insurance. So why would I know this man I don’t know? I get chauffeured everywhere anyway, as it helps pay the bills of the hardworking man in the street.”

He paused, the sound of a man wringing the sweat out of a shirt collar could be heard, before Nigel ‘potatriot’ Fuhrerage went on,

“The only bankski I know, and everyone who’s been paying any attention at all to my efforts to stand up for the average man in the street knows this, the only bank I know is the one my EU MEP salary is deposited in. Which is not paid in roubles,

”Which is a laugh, when you consider how little actual work of representing the people of Thanet I do in the undemocratic, fully elected parliament of the EU. And is a complete scandal since they docked half my salary for misuse of funds.”

The clarification by Nigel of who he does and doesn’t know was timely, given that his presumed close associate Arron Banks is now under investigation by both the NCA and the FCA.

”The last time Arron and I spoke, completely by chance, as we’ve never met, I told him Arron, you keep using that curious cash supply of yours to target Tory MPs in their actual seats, the establishment will get you. Remember you’re more disposable than a used nappy full of corn and shit. Don’t push your luck. But he wouldn’t listen as he assumed that just winning the EU ref with dirty tricks immediately gave us superpowers the kind any far right coup assumes. But it’s not over damn it, May bottled the election last year and oh, let’s not talk about it, I’ve some shredding to do and I’m going to do it live on air all day.”

But he did have one piece of advice for the man he’s never met.

”Whatever you do, don’t tell them we’ve ever met,” Nigel pleaded, “I’ve enough trouble as it is with Mueller breathing down my neck.”

Government shocked as can of worms does exactly what it says on the tin

The Brexit can has been kicked down the road many, many times now. However, this has two major consequences. One, the government is running out of road. Two, the worms are beginning to emerge.

One of the biggest, juiciest worms is Arron Banks. He is under investigation over his Leave.EU referendum campaign overspending. You can almost hear the documents being shredded, like a Banksy painting, at Leave.EU HQ. Many others are being hurriedly incinerated. This has already been dubbed a ‘bonfire of allegations’.

There are many worms tied to Banks’ tail. Like shady Russian connections, organised crime, disorganised crime, and a severe dose of digital Tourette’s splashed all over social media.

Banks loves democracy. His shady organisations helped to sway the Brexit vote, in true democratic fashion. He fervently applauds the unreliable referendum result. Banks is also behind a campaign to deselect democratically elected MPs with whom he disagrees. Democracy lover Banks supports rich, unpleasant, unelected bureaucrats using their influence to undermine democracy.

The government is worried that, once opened properly, all the worms could come out of the can, and that would be the end of Brexit. Brexit Secretary Dominic Raab expressed surprise today after discovering exactly what the contents of the can were. “I know there were worms inside,” he whimpered. “But I never expected the contents to come out! That’s not how cans operate in my experience.”

Raab also expressed surprise that the can, having been kicked long, hard and often, was showing signs of wear and tear. “It is a Titanic tin,” he moaned. “Completely unbreakable.”

“We did try to tell him,” commented campaigner Artie Culfifty. “Unfortunately, our comments were dismissed as Project Fear. We were informed that the tin, which would never open in any case, was actually full of spaghetti.”

Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I’m going to the garden to eat worms. Or spaghetti.

Ryanair passengers dumped in mid Atlantic and told to swim home

Passengers on a Ryanair flight from New York to Stanstead were Wednesday surprised to find themselves ejected from their plane over the mid Atlantic and told to swim home.

“We were dragged from our seats, handed plastic single-use parachutes and forcibly ejected through the rear door,” complained Winetta Windrush 27, still dripping from her 433 mile swim to the west coast of Ireland.

“And worst of all there was no relief bus to pick us up after we reached the coast,” she wailed explaining that those who managed to survive the freezing waters had been obliged to pay their own way back to London.

A spokesman for Ryanair explained that the decision to eject half the passengers on the flight had been taken following a sudden spike in jet fuel prices.

“Fuel surcharges are one of the conditions listed in the small print on Ryanair tickets, and cutting load in mid flight is standard practice for conserving fuel  for the return leg,” she explained, denying that those ejected had all been selected due to their ethnic minority backgrounds.

“The fact that those “down transferred” all had funny names and didn’t include any fat, racist bigots wearing “white power” t-shirts is purely coincidental,” she explained pointing out that those ejected had all been seated on “ultra economy budget seats”.

“The ones that resemble upturned milk crates, but aren’t,” she added.

Cornered by an intrepid LCD views reporter while being carried by turbaned slaves in a sedan chair from his diamond encrusted penthouse office suite in Dublin’s billionaire quarter, to his solid gold Bentley Continental, Ryanair CEO Michael O’Leery denied that dumping passengers in mid Atlantic to save on fuel was in any way unethical.

“Bollix to yez all. Dem fockers should be grateful we gave them milk crates to sit on for half the flight. Dats more dan dey’ll be getting after yer Brexit, to be sure,” he leered, leerily.

 

Government to use nano-technology when designing new coins so they devalue in real time

Great news for lovers of money today with the announcement from Her Majesty’s Government that they are to use nano-technology when designing new coins and notes from now on.

”It’s so people can see their money devaluing in real time,” Mrs Bi Metal, a spokesman for the Royal Mint, said, “although at first we were a little dubious, when the design spec came down from the treasury, but we soon realised tiny, tiny robots can do anything. Just look at how they’ve been used to replace the brains of Brexit Tory MPs like Chope and Bone on the Executing the U.K. select committee? Just one nanobot for the two of them!”

The trial of the revolutionary technology will be run with the release of the celebratory Brexit 50 pence pieces, planned for release next year.

”I don’t mind saying the design process was challenging,” Mrs Bi Metal admitted, “at first we were supposed to design a celebratory pound coin, but then May kept talking and the pound losing value and the goal posts narrowed to 50p. We feared by the time we had chosen a slogan for the coins it would be ten or five pences, and that’s when the robotics idea hit.”

But it won’t just be the actual denomination that will fluctuate in your pocket or purse, the message on the coin will also change daily.

”You lost get over it. We won we can’t get over it. Should I be a rouble? All the classics will be up on the coin. They’ll change each time the value changes.”

This sounds like warnings of a cashless society were over rated, with such exciting new coins coming down the line?

”Oh, I wouldn’t say that, it’s doubtful by the time we’ve crashed out of the EU that anyone much will be able to hoard something as impressive as a fifty pence piece! We’ll be well on our way to being a cashless society by then!”

Daily Mail anticipating boom in sales as post Brexit toilet paper shortage bites

News in the soft papers and here at the coarse international news media superpower seems likely to finally wake up stubborn leavers to just how crap their position will be in post No Deal Brexit Britain.

“Pinching one off will not be risk free,” our bathroom specialist, Mr White Tiles, advises, “forget the insulin shortages, forget the lack of radioactive materials for medical procedures, or that your heart medication will be in a customs queue from Calais to Reading, it’s those precious rolls of soft, and sometimes scented, paper that you’re really going to miss.”

The advice comes on the back of the revelation that the United Kingdom holds a stockpile of only one roll per citizen, with the rest imported in a just in time sequence from across the ENGLISH Channel day in and day out.

And in what promises to turn all guts to jelly, transport supremo Chris “failing” Grayling is going to be responsible for keeping your bottom wiped.

”The Daily Mail is of course anticipating a boom in sales,” Mr White Tiles continues, “as remainers stock up on the best alternative to rolls of paper in Labrador puppy packaging.”

The Express and The Sun likewise see a massive surge of sewer journalism turning into actual sewerage as the No Deal goal of the multi-billionaire, tax evading Brexiters comes to fruition.

”Laxative suppliers are downbeat though,” our correspondent continues, “the future is not smelling of roses for everyone, in spite of the pre-referendum assurances from walking, talking, permanently clogged human colons such as Fartage and Bum Buxom Boris. With everyone shitting themselves the moment martial law is imposed in April to ensure the cabinet maintains their own supplies of big roll.”

Best advice we can offer is to start stocking up on tabloid journalism now and probably leaves, lots of big leaves.

”Not nettles though,” Mr White Tiles adds, “unless you want to distract yourself for a while from the shit for brains idicoy of Brexit by rubbing the prickly little bastards on your ring.”

Divided Tories unable to add up

Sums are not the Conservatives’ strongest point. This mean – not to say average – bunch are so divided into different fractions that nothing they say adds up any more.

The least numerate of all the government departments is, naturally, the DExEU. Every impact assessment, every prediction, every confident pronouncement gives the same impression. That of a reluctant eight year old doing his maths homework.

LCD Views sought the opinion of number cruncher Algie Braic. “They really are a few beads short of an abacus,” he sighed. “It’s lies, damned lies, as they say. Most of the time they seem to be picking random numbers out of thin air. It’s a tombola Brexit now.”

This is quite apt, as everyone in the country has effectively bought a ticket, in the expectation of winning the jackpot. Naturally, first prize had already been awarded to the organisers

“The examples of a poor head for figures are many,” Braic continued. “From mythical amounts painted on to the side of a bus, to fantastical trade deals and promises of greater funding for our public services. I’ve got their number!”

Not to mention the “95% complete Brexit”, which, according to Guy Verhofstadt, means “0% complete”.

It’s not just the government. The BBC equated 700,000 People’s Vote protesters with 1,200 Leave Means Leave activists. All those zeros must count for nothing.

Factor in all the crazy economics sponsored by the ERG, and you get the irrational situation in which every negative is a positive. Good news if you have an overdraft, but it does not bode well when the Treasury is scrabbling behind the sofa for loose change.

“I’ve tried to figure it out,” says Braic, scratching his head. “But it boils down to the fact that this government regards zeros simply as placeholders. Like most Tory MPs, in fact.”

Ultimately there is only one fact to bear in mind. 73.9% of all statistics are made up.

Raab tells Barnier that in this country a backstop is called a wicket-keeper

It’s just not cricket, old boy. There’s many a slip twixt gully and wicket-keeper – or backstop.

“Barnier just doesn’t get it,” complained Raab. “He wants the gloves to come off, which is bad news for a wicket-keeper. He took his eye off the ball there.”

There’s also a lot of confusing talk about borders. “Yes, that’s another area where I had to put Michel right,” confirms Raab. “It’s actually called a boundary, and it’s made of rope. So all this talk about hard borders and soft borders is really a load of nonsense.”

The proposed border – or boundary – checkpoints is another non-issue, according to Raab. “The umpire’s decision is final,” he said. “The only technological solution you need is a TV camera to check whether the ball touched the rope. I told him that. It knocked him for six!”

Raab revealed how progress in the Brexit talks were progressing. “It’s two hours of cut and thrust,” he said. “Then you stop for lunch. Then two more hours. Then a tea break. Then two final hours, shake hands, and all down the pub to get bladdered! The whole thing takes up to five days, and if there is no result, you call it a draw.”

And the finer points of negotiation are finally clarified. “When you are in, you go out, and when you are out, you go in,” explained Raab. “That’s how cricket, I mean Brexit, works.”

The latest test had been a long drawn out, attritional affair. “Captain May is still at the crease!” claims Raab. “She is batting for Britain. No balls, that’s Barnier’s problem, no balls.”

The situation is finely poised. May is playing for time, trying to avoid defeat against Barnier’s straight and accurate deliveries. But there is a break in play while Barnier insists on having a backstop, and May is reluctant to allow it, whatever the rules say.

It looks like Brexit may have to be decided by the Duckworth-Lewis method.

Nigel Farage to star in Only Fools & Horses remake

It seems not a week goes by without another of Britain’s best-loved sitcoms getting a makeover. This time it’s the turn of Only Fools & Horses, which the BBC have announced is getting a reboot under a new title, “Only Brexiters & Unicorns”.

The show will be written by Jim Sullivan, son of John Sullivan who wrote the original. On being asked about the viability of a remake, he had this to say:

“Only Fools & Horses has always reflected the times – Del and Rodney moved with the times, so it can be updated to any time period and will still work in principle, as long as you get the characters right.”

Half the work in getting the characters right is the casting, and the cast looks promising. The part of Del Boy in this updated version will be played by Nigel Farage. He bangs out the old catchphrases “you know it makes sense!” and “this time next year we’ll be millionaires!” with absolute conviction – and an ever-dwindling bank balance in the case of the latter.

Del’s long-suffering brother Rodney, who doesn’t approve of Del’s schemes but still goes along with them, is here played by Jeremy Corbyn, while the role of old seadog Uncle Albert, who tries to talk them out of it with his old tales that always begin with the catchphrase “during the war”, has been given to John Major.

Other supporting roles have also been allocated: the idiot Trigger who would always spout total rubbish yet believe it firmly, will be played by Theresa May, while the snobbish Boycie will be played by Jacob Rees-Mogg.

The new version will depict life in post-Brexit Britain, just as the old one depicted life under Thatcher’s Britain in the 1980s. Del and Rodney are the same as ever, traders trying to make it in a broken country. Although this time there is humour to be derived from the sudden absence of European health & safety standards in the country.

The pilot episode features a nod to the original with a remake of the scene where Del falls through the gap in bar. In this version, Nigel Farage’s version of the character attempts to sue the pub after falling and hurting himself, but is scuppered by a safety notice in plain sight which he failed to spot, warning people not to lean against the bar when the hatch is up. When it transpires that the safety notice was an EU directive, he attempts to blame the EU for restrictive health & safety measures, completely forgetting that they were designed to stop him from having his fall in the first place.

Other episodes will include the characters disregarding more EU health & safety regulations to clean a chandelier on the cheap, and acquiring some British-made inflatable sex dolls that have accidentally been fitted with a dangerous explosive gas.

The remake will hit our screens in March 2019, so have a watch. You know it makes sense.

Brexiters reject multiple universe theory after a parallel UK voted Remain

The divisions in the UK have created a rift in the space-time continuum. Clever boffins have peeked through this rift to discover another, parallel universe. In this alternative vision, the UK voted overwhelmingly to Remain in the EU.

Naturally this has upset ardent Brexiters. Presented with indisputable evidence, they have queued up to rubbish it.

“Non est ad astra mollis e terris via”, said Jacob Rees-Mogg. “This common phrase, which requires no interpretation from oneself, should teach one to keep one’s feet on the ground. Reaching for the stars is tantamount to blasphemy, and positing a parallel universe is a contradiction of God’s almighty law. Those who trek through stars would be well to remember this: ire fortiter quo nemo ante iit.”

Others were less eloquent. Andrew Bridgen, MP for NW Brexit-shire, thundered “It’s all a load of old codswallop, innit?” Bridgen, who is due to be replaced by a cheese sandwich before the next election, is clearly in a bit of a pickle.

Seeking guidance amid the bluster and waffle, LCD Views spoke to clever dick Alec Smartt. “I have passed through the rift, and brought back evidence,” said Smartt. He waved a copy of a newspaper. “This is a copy of the Daily Mail from June 2016. Its headline reads, ‘Stay sane, vote Remain!’. The article praises the EU, claiming it brings stability and prosperity to the UK!”

The paper looked genuine enough. It was full of articles mocking fat celebrities next to pieces about low self-esteem. There was a special feature about house prices. Yet it was all consistent with a country at ease with its place in Europe.

Smartt also produced an edition of The Guardian from 2018, incoherently promoting the madcap opinions of fringe activist Boris Johnson.

The rift healed itself very quickly, claimed Smartt, leading his opponents to wonder which drugs he was on, and where they could get hold of some.