Theresa May to extend Brexit transition period until Tory MPs’ children finish their Erasmus gap years

UK prime minister Theresa may has confirmed that she intends to extend the Brexit transition period until all the university age children of her Conservative MPs have completed their gap years on the pan-European Erasmus student exchange programme.

Addressing parliament after her latest humiliating rebuffal in Brussels Mrs May was in typically upbeat mood.

“Let’s make no mistake, Brexit means Brexit means better opportunities for posh kids and generally screwing everyone else. We’re only doing it once so let’s make sure we do it right,” she stated, glaring maniacally, a smile like the shadow of a hangman’s swaying noose playing gently around her lips.

“We’ve had a quick poll of our MPs, parliamentary candidates and local councillors and we think the last of their kids should have finished their Erasmus years by the end of 2021, so that’s the date we’re going for, she explained.

Quizzed by Labour’s shadow education secretary about what UK students will do after 2021, when they lose the right to Erasmus exchanges, Mrs May was quick to explain that her government was committed to replace lost opportunities in Europe, with better opportunities closer to home.

“In future children of Tory voters educated at public schools and the better selective grammar schools will automatically be granted places at Oxford or Cambridge,” she said explaining that this would in effect herald a return to the system that existed prior to the UK’s admission to the EU.

“This is the system that was the foundation of the British empire and helped us win two world wars, with no help from Johnny Foreigner and his Erasmus pals,” she shouted over loud protests from opposition MPs.

“And the sooner you proles, plebs and lefties recognise the fact, the quicker we can get on with making this country great again,” she barked, wiggling her hips and shuffling her feet in time with the chant of “There’ll Always Be an England” from her back benchers.

A spokesman for the Erasmus programme confirmed that the UK’s departure would be a sad loss, and that many bars and nightclubs across the continent were already facing bankruptcy as a result. 

 

 

 

Homeless people have the necessary skills to survive Brexit, says Theresa May

Prime Minister in name only, Theresa May, revealed why the problem of homeless people is not actually a problem at all. On the contrary, they possess the survival skills necessary following a no deal Brexit.

LCD Views spoke to the PM while she was locked out of negotiations in Brussels. “Brexit means Brexit,” she said, surprisingly. “It will enable the weakest members of society to prosper and even be role models.”

She tapped hopefully on the closed door, but it remained resolutely shut. “Let me be entirely clear about this,” she continued. “This means taking back control from the unelected bureaucrats behind that door, and empowering the undesirables.”

Unsure whether she was referring to the homeless, or the kleptocrats driving global calamity, we sought clarification. “The bullying EU is forcing our hand again,” she gaslighted. “This is not acceptable. They are giving us nothing, and the best equipped at making something from nothing are people with nothing. If the homeless can survive with no home, job or money, then surely the rest of us can.”

Seeking an alternative point of view, we spoke to a chap sleeping in a shop doorway, who gave his name simply as ‘Spud’. “The mad cow doesn’t have a Scooby Doo!” croaked Spud, washing down the sandwiches we bought for him with a swig of White Lightning. “We can’t hunt or grow crops. We are scavengers by nature. It’s back to that other idiot rummaging in the council dump, innit?”

Wise words indeed.

Despite Spud’s assurances, reports have reached us of trendy young Londoners sleeping rough for pleasure, calling the practice ‘urban camping’. Genuine rough sleepers have complained of hipsters drinking Prosecco in the most desirable doorways.

Meanwhile the price of a dog on a string has rocketed, forcing the genuine homeless to adopt urban foxes instead.

Indeed, with some now charging rent for a street berth, the homeless are even homelesser. The homeless chic of it.

Breast augmentations to be replaced by meals of hormonal US chicken after Brexit

Tumescent breaking news this morning on breast augmentations and how non-invasive getting a boost will be after Brexit.

“We all know food is a great medicine,” lead plastic surgeon at Two4One Boobs (a private medical practice facing criminal prosecution), Doctor Bigizbest, told our topography correspondent,

“you’ve got a swelling you can’t quite explain? Eat a marrow! You’ve got a cold that won’t go away? Yeast extract combined with petroleum jelly! You’ve lost a leg in a hunting accident? Octopus combined with frog! Well, after Brexit all you will need to do if you hanker for a bigger cup size is eat chicken. The bigger you want your tits, and I don’t mean small garden birds here, the more chicken breasts you chow down on. Yummy! Yum!”

But what will change after Brexit?

“Hormones man! Hormones! Hormones will change in quantity and probably in quality,” the good Doctor went on, cupping his hands in front of his chest,

“and I’m not talking about endocrine system smashing chemicals in our water supply thanks to the all green is good Tory government fracking the frack out of your water table so old and vested family interests can eek a little more coin out of fossil fuels before we all drown under a sea of plastic in a methane fog!”

Well, what are you talking about then?

“American chicken! Have you seen the moobs on the American president? Do you hanker for broader haberdashery bill yourself? Then let’s get importing! Call up Doctor Fox and tell him to put away those scalpels, we’re going to dine our way to WOW BABY! WHEN DID YOU GET THOSE DONE?!”

Finger lickin’ good! Let’s get it done!

Brexiter would sooner destroy the country than admit she made a mistake

Brexiter Andrea Jenkyns belongs to the foaming-at-the-mouth wing of the Conservative Party. In her latest statement, she puts her trench foot into her mouth as usual.

Never in the field of human politics was so much owed to so few by so many. Her entrenched wartime metaphor illustrates the fact that Britain is at war. With itself. And like all wars, the result will be pyrrhic at best.

There is no enemy. This is class war, unleashed on The People by unelected figures intent on not paying their dues.

“It is better to go down fighting…” writes Jenkyns, admitting defeat. A pointless, humiliating, glorious defeat like Dunkirk.

The British are good at framing defeat as victory. The Charge of the Light Brigade celebrates the slaughter of hundreds of British horsemen sent against a battery of cannons. It’s like conceding ten goals in a football match, but only remembering the jammy last-minute consolation goal.

The whole subtext is that Jenkyns would prefer subjugation to surrender, because the latter would involve admitting that she was wrong.

We will defeat ourselves on the beaches. We will defeat ourselves in our fields and on our streets. We will cut off our own heads of necessary. That’ll show them who’s boss.

“Surrender to EU demands,” writes Jenkyns, forgetting the fact that it is actually the UK which is making demands and threats. We create the problem, it’s your fault that you don’t have the answers. Dig (yourself into a hole) For Britain!

So tin hats on, canned goods piled up in the Anderson shelter, plenty of blitz spirit. Except that we are our own enemies. Brexit is the cancer of the body politic. Britain is fast becoming the sick man of Europe again.

Our Brexiter friends may go down in history as the first war criminals not associated with any wars. Dulce et decorum est pro patria mori.

Migrant family pregnancy expected to herald demand for more cash

For many the news of Meghan Markle’s pregnancy will be a cause for celebration, but with the Brexit cliff edge and economic collapse looming, many more are echoing the LCD Views editorial office in enquiring:

JUST HOW MUCH IS ANOTHER MIGRANT BABY GOING TO COST US ??

An American citizen married to a ginger haired slob of mixed German, Greek, Danish and British ancestry, Meghan Markle has been resident in the United Kingdom for less than one year AT THE TAXPAYER’S EXPENSE.

Yet already she has announced she ‘s expecting and will no doubt be expecting the TREASURY TO COUGH UP FOR FUNDING THE NEW ARRIVAL as well as her and her UNEMPLOYED husband.

“Coming so soon after the £10 million wasted on policing the wedding of Princess Boris to a nightclub bouncer, and their subsequent tour of Grimsby in a diamond encrusted n open topped Chieftain tank , this is an absolute disgrace,” snarled Dave Spart, head of the Windsor branch of the Tooting Popular Front.

“Don’t they know what CONDOMS are for?” he enquired.

His displeasure was echoed by a ruddy faced man on the Clapham Omnibus wearing a hand stencilled  “keep Briton white” t shirt and brandishing a can of industrial strength Stella.

“He may have served in the army but that doesn’t give him the right to a life of leisure with some foreign floozy he picked up overseas,” he belched, noisily.

“Since when did closing a car door by yourself qualify for entry into the The Highly Skilled Migrant Programme – She should bloody well go back she came from and take that GINGER MINGER of a husband with her,” he fumed.

But not everyone is convinced that the new arrival will be a massive drain on the public purse.

“Full page photo spreads in OK magazine…live video streaming of the birth..This could be a whole new source of revenue for us…I mean them, the err…royals,” opined a well spoken bald headed man in sun-glasses giving his name only as “Ed”.

“We, I mean they… could even hold a twitter poll to choose the name,” he added, conceding that they would have to make it clear in advance that “BOATY McBOATFACE” is not an option.

“Although then again, barring a Kind Hearts and Coronets” there’s not chance of it ever becoming Monarch, so why not,” he mused.

Grim Reaper rushed to A&E after accidental contact with Brexit

Saint George’s Hospital in south London is in lockdown today after a surprise patient was rushed to the famous hospital’s A&E department earlier today with suspected Brexit poisoning.

LCD Views has a correspondent at the hospital, who was receiving a triple bypass they were not expected to survive when the drama begun to unfold like a freezing and toxic fog.

Their survival was at first thought to be miraculous, but now it seems likely they made it through because Death itself was taken seriously ill at exactly the time of the surgery.

We phoned them up and told them to get out of that bed and interview a consultant treating the unexpected visitor.

They sent in this interview with Emergency Medicine and Poisoning Specialist, Doctor Arch Angel.

”Shortly before 11am this morning we were altered by emergency services that a black garbed individual with distinctive facial features and a fondness for old agricultural equipment had been taken ill at Clapham Junction Station waiting for the delayed 07:32 Southern Trains service to Brighton…”

An ambulance was dispatched to the station with orders to avoid all skin contact with the stricken commuter, just in case it was DWP Secretary Esther McVey.

But on arrival at the scene it was discovered it was actually her servant, the Grim Reaper.

”Mr Reaper was rushed to the hospital and immediately placed in an isolation ward. From the smell, the rapid progress of symptoms and the clear highly transmitable nature of the substance causing the dramatic loss of all vital organs of state, one after another, we immediately diagnosed Brexit poisoning.”

The Grim Reaper is now in intensive care, but the specialists confronted with the case are unsure if they will be able to help with any recovery at all.

”This is not my first brush with death,” Dr Angel said, “but I am uncertain if even my years of experience can affect a reversal in the patient’s deterioration. Why Death decided to touch Brexit we can only guess, if it was deliberate and not accidental, but I suspect it’s because he thought it would be fun to kill not only the Tory Party with it, but the careers of numerous Labour MPs too.”

The emergency services have since issued a reminder that all members of the public should never, under any circumstances, touch or ingest Brexit.

”It’s not a game, like poker, it’s life and death. It’s particularly dangerous to spoilt children as can be seen by what’s happening currently in parliament.”

Downing Street denies asking Banksy to draw up and frame withdrawal agreement with EU

10 Downing Street was forced to issue yet another in a near endless stream of denials this afternoon after some intern at DExEU tweeted that the “WA with EU is all stitched up and it’s a seamless and vigorous stitch up, just like my work outs. Hoograh! Just wait until the WA self destructs a minute after Brexit on the 29/03/19”.

The tweet set off a blaze of guesswork in the Westminster village, already at a near fever pitch over whether everyone’s favourite mother, Andrea Leadsom, might be the latest Brexiter to take the slightest opportunity to get out of dodge, before the proverbial hits the fan.

Minutes after the tweet by the intern, named by insiders as a Dominic Raab, Laura Kuenssberg, in theory a BBC journalist, but more correctly the greatest fan of Theresa May’s, and her most helpful fan at that, poured fuel on the fire with the following assault on common sense,

”It’s obvious from Raab’s tweet that Banksy has been approached, most likely commissioned already, to draw up and frame WA with EU”

A minute later she added,

”The WA won’t be worth the paper it’s written on. Is this strong and stable dealmaking? What will Barnier make of the involvement of Britain’s foremost contemporary artist in the Brexit process? Game changer.”

Banksy himself wasn’t available for comment, but an approach to 10 Downing Street by ourselves was met with the following denile,

“The Prime Minister denies commissioning Banksy to draw up and frame a withdrawal agreement with the EU. Your modern, caring Conservatives have absolutely no intention of just getting the EU to agree to whatever vague fudge we can so we can drag the country over the Brexit line on the 29/03/19, and into a playground for kleptocrats and sociopaths. Prophecy must be fulfilled. Nothing must stand in the way of the one true, neocon, asset stripping God of Brexit. Amen.”

We think they doth protest too much. They said they didn’t commission Banksy, they didn’t say they didn’t ask and were told where to go…

Brexit Industries calendar recalled after every date printed as April 1st

The embarrassing calendar was sabotaged as a protest, according to the government. Britain’s historic bid for freedom is being mocked by crybaby losers.

Calendar expert May Bank-Holliday showed LCD Views a copy, and gave us an insider’s view. “Each page has an uplifting slogan or news item,” she revealed. “Like Brexit Means Brexit!! or Historic Trade Deal With Antarctica Unveiled!! Something to raise the spirits.”

She also disclosed that each month there was a picture of a Brexit pin-up. “For example, look here at February. Mr February is Nigel Farage in corset and fishnets,” she said.

The odd thing is that Farage in drag is not the reason for the recall. A blunder by the printers meant that every date reads April 1st.

“Brexit Day is of course Friday March 29th,” Bank-Holliday continued. “The weekend will be taken up with a national street party. Adequate British food and inadequate British wine will be consumed. England’s World Cup victory from 1966 will be played constantly, on a loop. The real start of Brexit will be a hangover on Monday April 1st.”

With that apt metaphor in place, we took the opportunity of glancing through the calendar. It appears that after a few weeks, the inspirational messages underwent a subtle change. “Brexit means Bullshit!!” and “The UK Is The Laughing Stock Of The World!!” featured early on, whereas Mr October was actually Donald Trump holding what looked like a mushroom.

“It wasn’t an error, it was an act of sabotage!” exclaimed DExEU spokesman LaFinn Stock. “Why can’t they understand that Brexit is happening and needs to happen? The saboteurs have made us into a laughing stock!”

Passing over the irony, we asked Stock to explain why Brexit had to happen before April 1st. Sovereignty, maybe, or tighter immigration controls?

“End of the tax year,” he said. “So all the skilled people can enjoy their dividends immediately!”

Sunlit uplands? You could have fooled me.

Brexit starts drinking its own wee

LCD Views can report live from the scene of the Brexit stand off today with a SHOCK exclusive that Brexit has begun drinking its own wee.

“Late last night as journalists begun tweeting about yet another possible breakthrough in negotiations regarding fantasy versions of a customs union, and completely ignoring the issue of the single market, so not changing anything at all, so still being completely f*cking useless and still ending FOM to keep a small wedge of racist voters happy, one of the hostages managed to get a note out detailing conditions inside the bank basement where Brexit is keeping nearly 70M people hostage.”

It seems conditions have deteriorated so far now that Brexit has begun drinking its own wee.

“We’re not sure if it’s out of the spiral of madness or because Brexit just likes the taste,” our correspondent corresponds, “there are also rumours that the water supply to the basement has been cut off, but again the situation is unclear. Was it cut off to try and force Brexit out and end the hostage situation? Or was it cut off because of a burst water main due to the utility having been privatised and purposefully underfunded for years because the private owners will be unaffected by loss of water?”

What is clear is that Brexit’s smash and grab hostage situation isn’t going to plan.

“This was supposed to be a smash and grab. Get a massive majority in the June 2017 election and then just crash out. Hold a gun to everyone’s head. As no one, business or government, will have had sufficient time to work up contingencies. You’ll have to deal with Brexit. But now?”

Now, it seems after the wee drinking the next stage is a mighty shit sandwich, consumed in a basement no one can get out of, with Brexit blaming the hostages for the taste even though it was Brexit that buttered the bread in the first place.

U.K. expecting to wake up and discover it was all just a dream

LCD Views can report this morning on exhaustive social media analysis undertaken by the largely discredited University of Life.

”The U.K. is expecting to wake up and discover it was all just a dream,” Professor H‘ardknocks told our social trends correspondent.

”It doesn’t matter where you sit on the political spectrum. If you’re a leaver you can’t understand why WE DONT JUST LEEVE GET OUT NOW!. If you’re a remainer, well, you’re sure this is a nightmare, rather than a dream. Any moment you’ll bolt upright in your bed and know Theresa May wasn’t actually given Henry VIII powers by parliament. Because who in their right mind would give the author of the Hosile Environment that sort of unchecked say over the many?”

Is this largely because we had a whole world war about the dark forces driving along with Brexit, and calling the tune of the Tories, and everyone was invited?

“Precisely.”

What about if you’re a diehard Corbyn supporter?

”We’ll, you’re pinching yourself expecting to wake up. To finally have the messiah so close to absolute power, even if he shows little visible sign of really wanting it, is like a dream come true. It’s even more a dream come true if you ignore all his actions since the referendum and what they mean for your rights. What sort of social democrat supports a hard right project? It’s not real. It must be a dream.”

And what about if you’re Theresa May? The fall guy for the neocon, asset stripping, human hating psychos who’ll hang you out to dry a minute after Brexit?

”Do androids dream of electric sheep?”

Good question.

”It is. I’d say the Maybot is having the time of her pre-programmed life. Getting to turf out millions of foreigners? Yes. A dream come true.”