Category: Brexit

Her  Majesty’s Government has moved to get all the people onside with the announcement of an epic Dover door closing ceremony to be held on the 29th March 2019.

“A giant, animatronic Theresa May will slam closed a monumental, real door in the face of France at the moment the United Kingdom regains complete idiocy next March,” Ceremony organiser Owen Paterson told LCD Views, during a windswept interview on the cliffs of Dover.

“Let me correct that. The moment the UK regains total sovereignty to be bossed about forever more by the three major global power blocs, the USA, China and the tyrannical EU.”

Quite how the French will take the slamming shut of the door is anyone’s guess, but it’s most likely it will trigger an urgent desire to negotiate a bilateral trade deal favourable to Global Britain Empire 2.0.

“It’ll put the wind right up the cheese eating surrender monkeys,” Mr Paterson affirmed, nodding vigorously, “they don’t like it up them. British diplomacy is the best in the world.”

As to what will happen with the ceremony if there is a change in government before the 29th March 2019, well, contingencies are in place.

“We’ve a spare cardboard cutout Corbyn ready to be wheeled up to the cliff edge and slam the door instead,” Mr Paterson said, “never forget he called for the triggering of Article 50 on the 24th June 2016. For some baffling reason not related to any cursory examination of his parliamentary voting record over decades, some of his supporters believe he is a remainer. It’s pretty funny. I’d be just as happy with him slamming the door shut as I will be with Queen Boudicca 2.0 doing it.”

Perhaps they could slam the door shut together? As they’re agreed that freedom of movement must end, and all that means for the workforce, future aspirations and freedoms of the citizens of Brextannia?

“Good idea. That will unite the country already coming together over the cross party leadership initiative of Brexit. I’ll have Seamus talk to Davis and line it up. We can wheel them up to the cliff edge on a giant trolley together. As long as there’s not a stiff breeze on the day, they shouldn’t be blown over. Slam the door! And slam it shut!”

“Britain is forging ahead with Brexit,” Liz Truss, who landed with the other aliens in V, will tell a rapt Tory Conference hall later today, “and Britons are forging ahead in other areas too.”

At this precise moment we can expect her to pause pregnantly, stare vacantly ahead, letting the tension rise, before cutting it with a brick.

”For too long Britons have turned to other countries to fulfill our need for counterfeit goods, such as fake cheese, replica pork, which is a shame!”

Another pause, full of puppies in a sack all squirming for release. She will inhale, raise a clenched fist and go on,

”Well no more! Only by grasping the opportunities presented by Brexit can this great country produce all its own moody goods at home.”

Yet another dramatic pause. Absence of visible thought to provoke anticipation in her audience.

”Take fake birth certificates? If you don’t have the roughly £750K required to buy yourself a burgundy passport to retain F O M after B R E X I T, then it’ll be perfectly easy to pop down to your local food bank and see Big Harry around the back and arrange for the birth certificate of the country of your choice.”

Apparently with modern, portable, digital printing methods Big Harry will knock you out a Belgium or a German, or heaven forbid, a French birth certificate in seconds for a reasonable fee payable in used bank notes or bitcoin.

”After you have the certificate simply send it to the Home Office and request settled status and one of our award winning enforcement vans will have you on the other side of the channel faster than you can say get some pork on your fork.”

Britain is forging ahead with Brexit and Britons are forging a new future outside of Brexitannia. It’s a boom indiusty of today and tomorrow.

Esther McVey blew them away today at the 2018 Conservative Party Conference in Birmingham with the  release of ‘Youth Sweep’, a smart phone based app that will ensure every child has work, no matter how disasterous the post Brexit world is.

Esther agreed to speak only to LCD Views after the release of the app, WHICH WORKS, an honour we felt keenly.

”Do you have any children?” Esther began the interview, “and if so, are they at school or are they adding to the vital output of Brexitannia by working?”

We had to admit they were currently at school.

”I’ll soon see to that. Working with the Chancellor and our colleagues in the department of Education we are going to make state education so expensive, by way of endless parental top ups, that you’ll soon have to choose which child to educate and which to send out to work. Well, if you want to eat in the post Brexit inflation driven food shortage crisis that is.”

Maybe we could educate one and eat the other? Two birds with one stone?

”Oh, have you been talking to Gove? Do you know if he’s backing Boris or Jacob?”

We couldn’t say. We suspect he’s telling everyone he’s backing them. But let’s hear more about this exciting app?

”See chimney? Well, stuff a child up it. That’s my motto.”

Send your child’s dreams up in smoke?

”That’s why we get up in the morning, we modern Conservatives, so completely corrupted by greed and a mixture of American neocon and Russian kleptocrat cash!”

You are certainly making great strides!

”But there is one important restriction on who can download and find work with the Youth Sweep app.”

And that is?

”Any family rich enough to buy their children an EU27 burgundy passport to go with their British blue will not be allowed to take jobs from the poor.”

That’s very kind of you.

”Full child employment and zero education, that’s my motto!”

You certainly have a lot of mottos.

”I do. Now, have you got any Dalmatian puppies?”

How many do you need?

”101 ought to do!”

Download ‘Youth Sweep’ today, get your child prepared for the employment of tomorrow.

Play up! Play up! And play the game! Long game, or game for a laugh? It’s just not cricket.

And where games are being played, gambling is not far behind. Are there long odds on the long game? You bet.

Theresa May is prevaricating about the bush, filibustering the best she can. Playing for time. When the final whistle goes, at 11pm on 29 March, 2019, if neither side emerges victorious, then we go to a shoot-out.

This is the way it will work. On the principle of Russian Roulette, there will be a revolver. This gun will, unusually, contain a full quotient of six bullets instead of the usual single bullet.

The team captains will take it in turns to point the loaded weapon at their temple, and pull the trigger. Last man standing wins.

This much we already know: Theresa May has successfully negotiated for the UK to take the initial shot. Britain First, she insisted.

May is going for the big win. She will shoot, presumably score, and by winning the game, she will lose.

This most pyrrhic of victories will be celebrated back home. Already plans are in place to mark the occasion with a massive festival. In true Brexit fashion, the party will most likely resemble a wake.

This is what being British is all about. Snatching glorious defeat from the jaws of victory, and boasting that it was deliberate, and even heroic. That’s the Dunkirk spirit!

The soundtrack will be provided by Frankie Goes To Hollywood. When two tribes go to war, one is all that two can score. May and Barnier will reprise the Gorbachev and Reagan roles of the 80s nuclear willy-waving years.

The starting pistol has been fired. The UK is still in the blocks, wondering which way to run. Our leaders have put a gun against their own heads.

Many things are visible from space. The Great Wall Of China. New York City. Boris Johnson’s ego. But very few things are audible. In space, nobody can hear you scream, it is said. But the tense silence surrounding the Earth will be broken, should British leaders call off Brexit.

Scientists from NASA have calculated that the sigh of relief, should Brexit be dropped, would break the sound barrier and reverberate throughout the solar system. Already satellites have been placed on standby to detect the anticipated shock wave.

NASA spokesman Dr Luna Module tried to demystify the scientific principles involved. “Normal sound only passes through another medium,” she said. “Like air, or water. Here at NASA we have discovered a type of cosmic sound that can be detected in the wastes of space.”

This so-called ‘hyper-noise’, explained Dr Module, is created when a planetary or stellar body experiences a significant wobble. “This can be caused by any number of things,” she said. “Like a catastrophic event. The imminent implosion of the Brexit singularity will be accompanied by a sigh the like of which has never been heard before. The sheer relaxation of the planet will create tremors which would be audible many millions of miles up.”

It is hard to describe this new sound adequately. “Imagine Pink Floyd,” said Dr Module helpfully. “Or Sigue Sigue Sputnik, Rocket Man, or the Sound Of Silence. It’s nothing like any of them.”

The sound will travel, in all probability, throughout the solar system. Unconfirmed reports suggest that the little green men from Mars are already taking precautions against the sound causing their heads to explode.

The sigh is predicted to dislodge some of the many space rocks floating about the solar system. If it happens, instead of fireworks, expect a major display of shooting stars.

The latest consensus on what could go on the People’s Vote ballot paper is another binary choice. Theresa May’s Blind Brexit or Jeremy Corbyn’s Sleepwalking Brexit.

This week’s Labour Party conference confirmed that it was still thinking about whether to Brexit or not. It considered the possibility of putting the decision to the British public. In the end, to cement its position, Momentum activists were sent to the hardware shop for timber and concrete. If we are going to sit on the fence, one insider suggested, might as well make sure it’s robust.

Labour is playing such a long game, it’s as if they left the room for a comfort break, and, instead of returning to the game, went on holiday instead.

As a result, it looks like we will have a choice between two evils. The country is at an impasse, caught between Corbyn’s irresistible farce and May’s immovable objection.

Political expert Rob Da Poore analysed the two options for us. “May has blinkered herself,” claims Da Poore. “See no evil, you know. Her red lines prevent any progress. Instead she is regressing towards the cliff edge and certain doom. Whereas Corbyn is making superficially attractive statements. He is promising to shake the magic money tree for the benefit of the many. But he is hamstrung by the promise to respect the referendum result. By saying much but doing little, he, too, is wandering towards the abyss.”

Surely the opinions of the People are important, so we spoke to everyman Joe Public. “I’m not bothered,” said Public. “If we are heading for oblivion either way, it doesn’t matter, does it? So long as I can still go to Star Wars conventions, I don’t care.”

Public revealed that he intends to vote Jedi should there ever be another election. “I can cope with their plans for world domination,” he explains.

Enjoy the rattling of lightsabres. May the farce be with you.

The latest batch of No Deal notices released by HMG yesterday demonstrate that Brexit Britannia has all bases covered, especially when it comes to the all important symbols of our liberation from being a functioning member of the global community.

“The RAF is on standby to airlift in our new potatriotic British blue passports from France if the M20 becomes a lorry park,” Dominic Raab MP (for Meat) told a packed hall of patriots, “let me correct that, when the M20 becomes a lorry park.”

The reassurance will be welcome by a population busy contingency planning for the moments after the UK regains its independence, to just before the UK ceases to exist altogether.

“It’s worth it,” A Gammon told LCD Views, “after two and a bit years, billions sacrificed, the mental wellbeing of millions placed in jeopardy, the reputation of the United Kingdom trashed internationally for the callous and offhand way we are prepared to tear up legal agreements offering security and rights to millions over decades, and all to change the colour on a passport to a colour we could have changed to without Brexit.”

But with much less sovereignty.

“Yes. It’s all worth it. It’s still the only benefit identified, but once you hold that blue book in your hand and realise you’ll never leave home again with or without it, it’ll all be worth it.”

Quite where the RAF will land with the shipments of blue passports is not yet clear, as it’s unlikely they will be able to break the law and deliver them.

“They may have to airdrop them,” A Gammon mused, “presumably just south of the Irish border. Smugglers can take care of the rest after and get them into the UK.”

Never forget, as the day to day drama gathers distracting intensity with the running down of the clock, no one has yet been able to identify a tangible benefit of Brexit except for blue passports.

Word from the ether sphere is that Labour leaders John McDonnell and Jeremy Corbyn are in for a Christmas treat this year of the traditional Dickensian kind. Just as soon as they tuck their white haired heads into sleeping caps and lay down expecting to dream of erecting giant billboards with their faces on in every town square.

“It won’t be the dreams they expect. Ghostly Nick Clegg is planning to visit McDonnell and Corbyn this year on Christmas Eve,” LCD Views has been informed, during a seance to contact the pre-2015 Liberal Democrat parliamentary bloc, “and he’s bringing a warning from the future and the past for the present.”

The seance was conducted using a ouija board constructed with the dead wood of state paid university tuition, you know, before the neoliberal con-artists starting commodifying it to slow destruction, and letters cut out from the first university fee agreements issued after they were trebled.

”This talking board does not lie,” a political psychic on our payroll affirmed, “and that’s good. Dickens is the obvious frame for the message, as the Labour leadership’s support of Tory Brexit will lead to Dickensian conditions for the many, but not the few.”

But what will the ghost of Nick Clegg tell them?

”It’s not the ghost of Nick Clegg. He’s still alive thankfully,” our psychic corrects, “it will be a ghostly Nick Clegg. A different animal altogether. This one fully realises just how seriously it let ghoul scrooge Cameron manipulate it in order to destroy the Lib Dem’s as a parliamentary force and get the U.K. back to two party FPTP Westminster politics.”

Well, what will ghostly Nick Clegg tell McDonnell and Corbyn.

”It will point to what happened to real Nick Clegg after he sold out on key promises and principles to gain power. McDonnell and Corbyn are on the same tangent.”

How so?

”Before Nick Clegg said screw scraping tuition fees I’ve a seat at the big table now, let’s treble them. Before that he was viewed as one of the last honest brokers left in our politics, having picked up and run with the work of his forerunners, most especially Charles Kennedy.”

Who?

”Are you a member of Momentum? They’ve wiped him from memory too. Charles Kennedy led his entire party in opposition to Blair’s Iraq War.”

This is starting to sound like a party political broadcast…

”For which party? If Vince hands over to Gina Miller maybe…anyway. But no. We choose our targets from the news cycle. And McDonnell and Corbyn are doing the same thing as Clegg. Trashing the perception of themselves as honest brokers, bringing in a new kind of politics, in order to put perceived party interests before the country, with continual fence sitting Brexit fudgeberg making, even though they must know people are suffering from Brexit yesterday, today and everyone will suffer tomorrow. Comrade. What is it worth to make that omlette? How many eggs do they expect the Tories to break?”

And that will be ghostly Clegg’s warning? What happens when disillusionment kicks in?

”Just ask real Nick Clegg about what happens then. Turkeys may vote for Christmas, but afterwards only a miracle will get them to vote for it again.”

Labour were on the cliff edge of taking a commanding polling lead over both their Brexit policy partners, the Conservatives, and front runner Don’t Know, today after John McDonnell promised the centre and swing voters that a Labour government will smash the ship of state into a red instead of a blue iceberg.

”It’s leadership,” A Labour-Voter told LCD Views, “to know that even a radically different government on the surface would still lead to the fulfilment of UKIP’s only policy ever is giving me the shits. I mean, makes me tingle all over and know I can’t fart for fear of soiling myself.”

The refusal to take a fundamentally different stance on Brexit to May’s government by Labour is clearly exceptionally clever. Especially as anyone paying attention knows the six tests are nonsense and Labour still wants to end FOM, take that millions of ordinary working people who’s lives have been in limbo for years as the U.K. has a breakdown and makes them pay for it.

”It means voters will have no idea who the hell to vote for, in terms of Labour and Conservatives, if they don’t want the country to continue along a clearly horrific policy path decided by an opinion poll a few years back riddled with proven criminality and false promises,” the voter went on, “we may get a government hung like a bull if we have a snap election. And that will be a lot of jizz all over the electorate from Westminster.”

It also means that constructive ambiguity continues to serve Labour well if they never want to take over the Conservatives in the polls.

”Not offering a choice and just attacking the government’s handling of a policy that seems certain to impoverish and dismantle the union of the United Kingdom ensures Corbyn and McDonnell never actually have to govern. It’s pretty much the fulfillment of all those decades as paid up backbench MPs getting nothing done legislatively. I’m impressed. They can’t start their own victim narrative too, when the Tories edge them in the coming snap GE. You know when Boris becomes a remainer. It’s those bloody remainers, not enough of them believed a red iceberg was worth hitting.”

We did ask the man in waiting himself, McDonnell for comment, but he was busy remembering the time he flung the little red book across the Commons.

So we’ll imagine his comment instead,

”We need the Tories to break the eggs for us and then no one will blame us when the entire country turns into an omelette.”

Get your fork and plate and get in line. Just wait. And keep waiting. In line. Comrades. Both main parties have the country’s best interests in mind.