Why did the NHS cross the road? Because it was sold for a pile of chlorinated chickens to the USA

LCD Views has been chosen by DExEU to respond to the leaking of Brexit economic forecasts to Buzzfeed, and thus the rest of the press, by asking a pressing question. Why did the NHS cross the road?

The shocking revelation that the government’s own Brexit economic forecasts range from bit crap, to really crap, to omg we’re all going to starve crap, at least solves the riddle of the David Davis song and dance show regarding said impact assessments.

“You know things are bad when the PM legs it and Irritable Duncan Syndrome is rolled out across the Today programme to irritably dissuade the voters from taking fright,” LCD’s bravest economic analyst said.

“And I quite concur with the government, in rubbishing its own secret forecasts. Firstly, the forecasts don’t take into account the massive post Brexit boost to the UK from the bespoke deal we’re going to successfully negotiate with the EU.”

The one they’ve been saying time and again we won’t get?

“The very same. Also, there’s all that value to be released from the sale of the NHS in exchange for an endless avalanche of antibiotic and hormone fattened, swimming pool strength chickens. You can put your fears to rest.”

That sounds reasonable.

“It’s time we privatised the NHS anyway. To make it more cost efficient to run and more productive. And besides, can you smother a GP in a dozen secret herbs and spices?”

Maybe, if you know them well enough.

“How many ducks does a cardiac specialist weigh?”

No idea. Guess it’s bespoke?

“How many eggs can a nurse or a primary care specialist lay, in a day?”

Good question.

“So don’t take fright. It will all be alright. Once the Brexit chickens come home to roost. Oh, and we’ve sold off our most loved public asset in a fire sale beginning at 11pm, 29th March, 2019.”

That’s cleared up that riddle.

“Why did the NHS cross the road?” asked our economic expert, switching to dad joke mode.

“Because it was sold for a pile of chlorinated chickens to the USA. Have a nice day.”

NHS, you know you love it! Mmm.

LCD Views’ shock poll reveals the two shocking things remain supporters shockingly want

LCD Views’ shock poll of remain voters has revealed the two shocking things the majority of remain voters want most and they are shocking!

We asked a random sample of shocked people who voted remain in the last ballot ever needed in the United Kingdom (the one on June 8th 2017 doesn’t count, because it returned a complicated result, according to both leaders of both main parties) what they wanted most of the next couple of years upon this spitting, spinning ball of rock?

“Definitely to see Nigel Farage stay alive,” was the most common response.

We admit, we were a little shocked.

We are personally glad the milk of human kindness still flows deep enough to be concerned with the physical well being of a walking clusterf*ck of a human being, such as Nigel, but we didn’t necessarily expect to hear such an overwhelming response from a random sample of politically opposed voters.

So we dug a little deeper and asked why?

“So he can see the Brexit project collapse and die, why else?”

Ah, it all makes sense.

And the second shock result?

“To finally be able to come to an answer on the most pressing question I’ve been asking my partner since the 24th June 2016.”

Which is?

“If Brexit actually happens, should we move to France or Spain?”

Why limit yourselves to just those two, we’re sure all EU countries will make it easy for disaffected Brits to relocate, with the assets and their belief in a project that has grown to be so much more than the corporate club the Lexit crowd anachronistically still think it is?

“Fair enough, we’ll see who makes the most attractive offer.”

France or Spain? Greece, France or Spain? Greece, Germany, France or Spain? Greece, Germany, Malta, France or Spain? Greece, Germany, Malta, Italy, France or Spain? Greece, Germany, Malta, Italy, Portugal, France or Spain? Greece, Germany, Malta, Italy, Portugal, Denmark, France or Spain?

The list goes on to include 27 countries eventually. Take your pick.”

DExEU to shift legal headquarters to Panama for duration of Brexit transition period

LCD Views is delighted to report that the cabinet deadlock over what to ask for during the Brexit negotiations, and what rules the UK must adhere to during the transition, has been resolved by the decision to shift the legal headquarters of DExEU to Panama, for the duration of the transition.

“This is a perfect way to square the circle,” T. Dodge, minister at DExEU told LCD Views,

“we were having serious trouble providing businesses with enough time to relocate to the EU, but enable the people who have pushed for, and promoted, and paid for Brexit, a legal way to evade the new EU anti-tax avoidance measures which kick off in 2019.”

It’s believed later today, Theresa May will drag David Davis out of the House of Commons bar and into a toilet.  Once inside she will give him a burner mobile phone and force him to call Angela Merkel.

“Theresa doesn’t want to talk to Angela, if she can avoid it.

She asks really personal questions, like, what do you want?

It’s not Angela’s place to seek answers to private, existential questions from our prime minister.

David will be so smashed, after a good lunch, he’ll just bulldoze though the conversation.

We’re moving to Panama Angela and there’s f*ck all you can do about it! Something like that.

Followed up with, take your new anti-tax avoidance measures and shove it!”

And one of the upsides too, is that this will be a move that will not involve any job losses.

“We will only need to hire one lawyer on Panama to make the shift work. So that’s a lot of London based jobs protected.”

It’s believed the cabinet disorder will settle now that a solution has been found to the sticky answer of how to avoid the new anti-tax avoidance measures, which is one of the primary drivers behind Brexit.

“We can use the transition time now to build a giant skyscraper post box in Westminster to act as the legal address for corporations and individuals, who will need sanctuary from the tyrannical EU’s tyrannical attempts to make corporations and individuals help pay for civil society.

The 8% of global wealth that’s hidden in tax havens needs a champion. UK plc can fulfil that role as we emerge from the xenophobia soaked chrysalis into the beautiful butterfly of Brexit.”

Corbyn guest stars on ‘Tattoo Fixers’ and has his “H O L D F A S T” tattoo corrected to “L O V E B R E X I T”

LCD Views’ light entertainment correspondent is as manic as a terrier with a rat at the announcement that leader of the official inopposition, Jeremy Corbyn MP, has filmed a special episode of ‘Tattoo Fixers’ during which his old tattoo is corrected from “H O L D F A S T” to “L O V E  B R E X I T”.

“This is just classic television,” S Sassage said, waving a copy of Radio Times.

“This brings real clarity to firstly the question, why has Jezza been concealing his hand tats in gloves lately, and also, where does he really stand on Brexit?

It’s probably also to protect the extra finger he’s had sewn on just for the tattoo. This shows commitment to Brexit.”

It’s believed the re-inking move was in part motivated by how difficult it’s been for Jeremy to communicate to the Labour Party members, what he really thinks about Brexit.

“Pretty much his every action has been pro-Brexit.

From the morning of the 24th June 2016, when he playfully suggested Article 50 should be triggered immediately, to the constant crossing the floor to vote with May’s government.”

It’s presumed that once millions of people see his new tattoos they’ll finally accept that the leaders of the a Conservatives, and Labour, are on the same page on Brexit.

“There’s been too much division in our politics lately,” Sassage observes,

“having the leaders united in fulfilling the hard right, neocon, wet dream of Brexit, is really unifying.

Even if Jezza hilariously thinks he can magic it into Lexit, whatever that is in 2018!”

It’s presumed the 60-70% of Labour members who don’t want Brexit, will finally accept that what the supporters of Labour constituencies who voted Leave wanted in June 2016, whatever their reasons for voting, will guide the party forever.

“The young members need to go back to looking at Candy Crush on their phones,” Sassage goes on,

“what they want doesn’t figure. Let your elders decide.

You know, the ones who are going to push up daisies as you enjoy post Brexit food riots, after Russia crashes our digital infrastructure because the Secretary of Defence is not up to his job.”

While this will certainly be exciting TV, it does come with a warning,

“If you’re going to emulate the cult god JC and get inked up, do it at home.

Needle and a black marker is all you need. Damn sight cheaper than paying a professional tattooist.”

And for those who liked the old Jeremy’s H O L D  F A S T naval themed tattoos? “Forget it. The old Jeremy has sailed.

And if you don’t get it that he loves Brexit after this, he’s going to come around your house and scream it at you over breakfast.”

“How to serve your fellow man after Brexit” the cooking for cannibals cookbook, updated with foreword by Patrick Minford

LCD Views cooking correspondent is pleased to have been chosen to preview “How to serve your fellow man after Brexit”, by publishers Disaster & Con.

“I’m having trouble getting all the ingredients for the long pig bubble and squeak,” Mr Man Cook begins,

“although I can imagine that won’t be as big an obstacle shortly after the U.K. crashes out of the single market and customs union.

This book will be a boon for hardware and weapons sellers too.

You can expect security services to be so busy patrolling the beaches to stop people emigrating, that it should be open season in small towns for not only looters, but hunter and gatherer tribes too. This book is going to prove an indispensable resource. Especially if Rees-mogg does make it to PM.”

The updated edition features not only new recipes, but a foreword by famous economist Patrick Minford.

“A car park,” Mr Minford begins, “I won’t be satisfied until the whole of the north of England is a car park.

We can hold car boot sales of the remaining national assets then and ‘lucky dip’ bring a neighbour bbq’s.

We didn’t quite get there in the 80’s, but we’ll bloody finish them off with Brexit.”

Mr Minford then goes on to extrapolate on the mentalgasm he will experience when the last of manufacturing is closed down.

“It makes perfect sense to manage the decline of the last of our shrunken manufacturing base,” he continues,

“pulling a service dependent economy like ours out of the single market is sheer genius.”

The harder the crash the better, he urges.

“Then we can set out hunting and eating each other and elevate the entirety of society to a purity of essence not seen since the Donner Party got lost in the snows.”

While Patrick Minford is clearly insane, his recipe for the future prosperity of the United Kingdom, is one of self reliance and traditional skills base.

“I recommend getting your copy of ‘How to serve your fellow man after Brexit’ today, before the paper stocks run out.”

And follow the recipes in the book carefully, cooking times are essential to good food hygiene.

“Remember too,” adds Mr Man Cook, “rationing won’t last forever. Best to be at the back of the line. That way you can catch others when they fall.”

Retail price is currently only £9.99, but that is expected to rise exponentially as the currency collapses later this year.

Pre-ordering is encouraged. So is learning to fight. Fast.

OUTRAGE at shameful sham marriage scandal as Honest Brits wed EU citizens for money and passports

LCD Views are going to be first to reveal the SHAMEFUL SCANDAL just coming to light in which desperate Brits are tying the knots with EU citizens in exchange for MONEY and PASSPORTS.

“It’s a SHAMEFUL SCANDAL,” our marriage analyst, Prof Dee Vorce’d, shouted, “Brits marrying EU citizens in exchange for cash and passports is not on. We call on the government to immediately tackle the latest Brexit RACKET!”

Exact figures are not yet to hand, but undisclosed Home Office figures leaked to LCD Views by one of our former interns who now works as a junior HO minister, after leaving LCD Views in shame, put the figure at fifty thousand and mounting.

“It’s no surprise this sort of crime is occurring,” Dee conceded,

“it was only a matter of time before the anxieties over a loss of freedom of movement between the United Kingdom and the tyrannical, failing, superstate EU and all its enshrined human rights power grabs and environmental controls, led to Brits and EU citizens taking desperate measures to find a way around any new, relationship deepening restrictions.”

Quite where the sham marriages are taking place is not yet certain, but Vorce’d has a place in mind.

“Gretna Green is booming again,” Dee observed, “not just the tourist buses come to see the famous site of shotgun weddings, but truckloads of young British people and their FAKE SPOUSES have been witnessed tearing through the old blacksmith’s forge and out again lately.”

Dee said she has already written to the Home Office to advise them to check closely anyone applying to the Immigration Service for a marriage license where one party is an ALIEN.

“The only real shock,” Dee Vorce’d added, “is that it’s Brits marrying EU citizens to get EU passports. Danish is the most popular. Then German, French and Italian. I am frankly baffled that the traffic in this crime appears to be all one way.”

Child genius attempts to solve national math puzzle : U.K. (dividend) / Brexit (divisor) = business class flying?

LCD Views can report from a math competition which occurred at a central London location this morning, that noted child genius, little Liam ‘air miles’ Fox, has failed to solve the famous math puzzle of the Brexit Dividend.

Maybe you can do better?

UK (dividend) / Brexit (divisor) = ?

In what was a highly anticipated moment in math, ‘air miles’ Fox, took to the equation live on air, with next to no preparation.

Our best economics correspondent, Dr Quit Er, was listening and gave his reaction,

“I admit I was disappointed.

I’ve taken on the equation over and over and it always, always, without fail, equals an economic boom and a unicorn for every man, woman or child.

I don’t understand how little Liam can have failed? International trade is clearly his best subject, but math is close behind.”

Dr Quit Er isn’t alone. Our whole office was baffled.

“Perhaps it’s the jet lag?” Titan Searchlight asked.

“Liam has reportedly flown further than the Moon in business class, and that was by April 2017.

God knows how tired of all those air miles little Liam must be by now? He works hard for the taxpayer coin. What a trojan horse he is.

Anyway, I hope he has the company of a good friend during all those difficult hours, trying to find entertainment between complimentary drinks, five star hotels and meeting some of the most famous humanitarians on the planet?”

We can only recommend that the Department for International Trade is lent a math tutor from that bastion of accounting genius, DExEU, to help ‘air miles’ Fox work through the equation before he’s publicly tested again.

And if you haven’t yet solved,

UK (dividend) / Brexit (divisor) = ?

The answer is David Davis. We think.

David Davis made Minister for Loneliness since that’s what Brexit actually means

The new post of Minister of Loneliness has been given to Brexit supremo, David Davis. He will act as an ambassador for loneliness during and beyond Brexit.

Many names had been considered. All had their merits. For example, Justine Greening was considered after running away from the plum job of Education Secretary. Opposing the government is tantamount to opposing the country, and is a very lonely position. Unfortunately that also makes Greening a traitor, and rules her out of contention.

Another possible choice was Jacob Rees-Mogg. His oddball personality and isolationist attitude are ideal attributes. However the fact that he has a wife and six (at the last count) children counted against him. Moggy must be knee-deep in nannies right now.

A left-field candidate was Theresa May herself. Frequently pictured alone, or hovering on the fringes, simply being an introvert is not sufficient qualification. She is also too busy (nominally) running the country. It’s lonely at the top.

All of which brings us to Davis. The affable, chipmunk-cheeked chappie is at first glance an unlikely candidate. His current job, though, is to push as hard as he can (bless him) to negotiate Britain out of a favourable trade deal and a benevolent trading bloc. It is the political equivalent of volunteering to do extra maths homework while the other boys play football. The more successful Davis is, the more alone he, and we, will be.

There is a very real danger that Brexit will mean Great Britain being marginalised and ignored. This country has revealed itself to the world as self-righteous and infantile. In this man’s world, the UK is all mouth and no trousers.

Brexit policy has been dressed up in fancy language, but there’s nothing underneath. Fur coat and no knickers, like a cheap slut. The UK may have to prostitute itself to survive.

And there’s the rub. Brexit may well mean that the UK becomes the lonely man – or woman – of Europe.

Boris Johnson clarifies he expects his bridge to be built inside the existing channel tunnel

Boris Johnson has picked the dead cat off the table, thrown down the other day to distract from Macron’s visit, and slapped it right back down again by saying,

“Of course, my um, ah, my proposed bridge of freedom would be constructed inside the existing channel tunnel.”

The reasoning behind this appears to be the assertion by the operators of the Eurostar that pulling the United Kingdom out of the customs union will put them in a position where they can no longer operate their service.

“Shipping. I suggest they go into passenger liners,” The Foreign Secretary shrugged off the concerns,

“this momentous change in the fortunes of our once great nation mean the Chunnel will be free to have my bridge, the Bungle, built inside.

Furthermore, it will be a garden bridge. I’m going to ask my chummy, chum, chum Joanna Lumley to back it!”

Construction on the Bungle, with skylights, is due to begin just as soon as,

“We’ve arranged a special exemption for all the EU 27 nationals we will need to help us construct it.”

The funding will come,

“Not only from the twenty seven, billion, million we will save by no longer paying contributions to the Pope Farage pension fund, but from the massive amounts of money we will make once we start imposing tariffs on John McDonnell’s idea of a single market relationship.”

But critics have accused the foreign secretary of attempting to distract not only from the fact he has still not arranged the release of Nazanin, but also the catastrophic mountain of nonsense both the Conservative and Labour Parties are creating for the country.

“Pifflefabble,” Johnson countered,

“working hand in hand with our Brexit colleagues, UKIP, Corbyn and McDonnell we will make the Bungle a shining, submarine example of what a Britain freed of the need for a cross channel train service can do.

The bridge inside the channel tunnel will render both tunnel and bridge useless, cost all of our wealth, which will go straight to tax havens, which is exactly what all our public policy is currently intended to do.”

Getting the Tories out is the most important thing, says man who refuses to get the Tories out

LCD Views spoke today with noted, British revolutionary leader Jesus Corbyn Christ, or JCC, to hear how he’s going to achieve his stated aims of saving the NHS and everyone on this island, before, or after, economic calamity strikes.

“Personally, I’d prefer to save the NHS after economic calamity has engulfed the U.K.,” JCC smiled,

“calamity is a much greater recruiter than a few thousand kids shouting insults on social media at anyone who dares point out inconsistencies between my assertions and my actions.”

We settled down to a breakfast of smashed avocado and rye, brought by our correspondent, to learn more.

“We are taking a bit of heat from centrists, both left and right leaning ones, for not opposing Brexit and shoving May’s disaster caravan into the ditch, but I’m prepared to weather that.

I’m sure we’ll be able to protect all the rights for ordinary people built up over the decades of EU membership, once we get the Tories out.

I’ve weathered criticism all my political career, each time I cross the floor to vote with the Tories.

Which I’ve done for all of my career. It’s about principles.

No more so than now.”

Next JCC goes on to illuminate some of the deeper strategy behind his current pretending to fence sit on Brexit.

“We need to make a show of resistance, now and then, so our activists have something to spin when confronted by class traitor yellow Tory moderates.”

He explains the vote against the EU Withdrawal Bill the other day was the perfect example.

“Make a big show of voting against a bill you’ve consistently supported all the way from the triggering of Article 50. Sheer genius.”

And he reminds us again.

“Getting the Tories out of government is the most important thing, just not too quickly, or we won’t get the social revolution you can only get when middle class, class traitors are also living out of a bin.”

We’ve a suggestion though, how about you just get the Tories out? Base the decision on principles. Namely, what does Nigel Farage want?

You remember him, he’s the wannabe who said the timing of Jo Cox’s murder was inconvenient because it clashed with his launch of a poster billboard mirroring Nazi propaganda.

Maybe base your principles on whatever he doesn’t want? Just a thought.

Country before ideological zeal is so 20th century. What are we suggesting?!