Category: Brexit

The old adage that if you can’t do the time don’t do the crime has taken on new meaning today with the announcement by Downing Street that they have changed the law to allow bank robbers to keep the loot if they can get away with it for 2 years 9 months.

”We used the new powers in the EU Withdrawal Bill to change the law,” Mr Crook MP (Tory, Rotten Borough) told LCD Views.

Under the changes the only wrong doing is not even being caught, but failing to stay on the run for a sufficient length of time.

”The world has moved on,” Mr Crook, who has a sideline in emerging markets and disaster capitalism, said, “it’s only right that the law reflects the change.”

Asked why two years and nine months was chosen as the length of time you need to keep ahead of the long arm of the law to secure your ill gotten gains, Mr Crook (Tory MP, Rotten Borough and Abolishing Rule of Law – boundary change occurred during interview) was less coherent.

”Oh, it’s just a nice round number. Nothing at all to do with the length of time between the EUref in 2016 and the day the U.K. falls screaming into a void of feudalism in 2019.”

LCD Views commends the far reach and imagination of ministers using new sovereign powers that parliament gifted them, meaning that parliament has to do a lot less going forward.

”We can spend more time on constituency work now,” Mr Crook winked, “you know, putting out the fires that will start once food supplies dry up.”

Or fanning them?

”Oh yes, there’s plenty of money to be made in civil disorder and societal breakdown. I mean. Um,” Mr Crook shrugged, “you know what I’m up to. Whether or not enough of you give a shit to do anything about it before March 29th 2019 is the rub.”

That said we helped Mr Crook turn a double barrelled shotgun into a sawn off one that could be concealed under his coat.

”Let’s get down to the Bank of England.”

Good idea! I’ll drive.

”Great. We’ve got to swing by Islington North to pick up the lookout…”

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse have warned that they may be forced to depart the UK, if the government fails to secure a Brexit deal with the European Union.

The four equestrian harbingers of doom last night swooped down unnoticed on Downing Street and nailed their warning, written in blood on human vellum, to the door of Number 10, from where it was retrieved by trembling civil servants and delivered to an ashen faced  Theresa May.

A copy of the warning faxed to the media explained that the four, PESTILENCE, WAR, FAMINE and DEATH had become increasingly worried that their ability to engage in apocalyptic activities would be severely compromised if they lost the freedom of movement they have enjoyed with the UK as a member of the European Union.

As such they explained that they had been actively considering a move to Cologne, which having been all but destroyed in the second world war and rebuilt entirely in concrete, is, in terms of sheer unadulterated grimness, the closest they could find to Sunderland.

“However we finally plumped for the Dordogne, to be close to some of our long time Conservative friends like former Chancellor Lord Lawson,” explained WAR, in an exclusive interview with LCD Views.

WAR explained that their departure was likely to be accomplished in stages; in part due to the need to secure adequate stabling for the horses, but also to  allow for them to optimise their remaining UK based operations.

“Given the anticipation of food and medicine shortages, FAMINE and PESTILENCE will be remaining in situ long enough to take advantage of what are clearly golden opportunities, for our respective sectors,” he said explaining that the possibility of the outbreak of civil war means that he too may be obliged to stick around.

“Frankly I’d be daft not to, especially with country about to be flooded with downloadable plastic guns” he smirked, adding that despite what most people would expect however, DEATH would be leaving the UK at the first available opportunity.

“If those LEAVE voting gammon faced idiots thought they could escape the seven circles of living hell that will be post-Brexit Britain, by falling off their respective perches, shuffling off their mortal coil, popping their cloggs, kicking the bucket, or joining the choir invisible, they’d better think again – they’ll be suffering BREXIT for ALL eternity,” he cackled.

 

This explanation came during an interview on BBC Radio 4’s Propaganda Today programme. John Humphrys interviewed a junior transport minister.

“What does the government say about the potential 13 mile tailbacks on the M20?” asked Humphrys. “We speak to junior transport minister, Chelsea Tractor. Good morning!”

“Good morning, Sir John!” simpered Tractor. “I’m so excited, everyone else has gone on holiday and left little me in charge!”

“Sir John? I don’t think so!” he replied.

“Just wait for the New Years’ Honours list to come out,” cooed Tractor. “You might just have a little surprise!”

You could almost feel her fluttering her eyelashes.

“Err, well, yes, I suppose it’s possible,” stammered Humphrys, caught momentarily off guard. “But we are here to talk about transport policy!”

“Oooh, I do love it when you’re forceful!” she twittered. “Go on, do the hard stare with the little twinkle!”

There was a slight pause, then they both burst into fits of giggles.

“OK,” he sighed, recovering his poise. “Now tell me why you think 13 mile tailbacks on the M20 are such a good thing.”

“It’s quite simple, John darling,” purred Tractor. “The British love queueing, and the tailback on the M20 will be a queue to die for!”

“But what about the drivers stuck in their cabs?” he asked.

“They will love it!” she whispered. “They work so hard, a bit of rest will be their reward. They can relax, talk on those CB radio thingies like in the movies, and have a bit of a nap.”

“And it they lose their place in the queue as a result?”

“Snooze you lose.”

“And are you not concerned,” he persisted, “about the noise, the pollution, the waste? This is the Garden of England! Surely this is a disgrace in the twenty-first century?”

“Hush, John, hush,” she said soothingly. “Just remember – the people had a vote. The people had a vote.”

“Yes. The people had a vote,” he repeated, calming down. “The people had a vote. All is well. Chelsea Tractor, thank you.”

The people had a vote. Nothing to see here. The people had a vote.

News from the Department of Defence today as small time bully and full time felt made man Gavin Williamson has ordered the RAF to recruit and train a squadron of kamikaze pilots to make a success of Brexit negotiations.

The pilots will have extensive training in going high into the sky before crashing down into the ground, hopefully in Brussels.

”It’s to make a success of Brexit,” Williamson repeatedly told us, as he screwed up his mouth and attempted to glue a wing onto a model Spitfire,

“I’m certain the height we’ll reach will contravene numerous busy body nanny state EU regulations. Especially as we’ll be flying in special, modified Euro derivatives without CE labels. It’ll drive Merkel insane.”

The strategy behind the special squadron is an exact mirror of the current U.K. government’s Brexit negotiating strategy.

”It’s to make a success of Brexit,” Williamson clarified again, wing now stuck to his fingers and not the fuselage of the model.

It’s felt that once Brussels learns we are prepared to destroy ourselves just to harm them a bit they will back down and give us everything we are demanding.

”It’s to make a success of Brexit,” Williamson added, attempting to pull the wing off his fingers with his lips, but only succeeding in gluing his lips to his fingers, which remained glued to the wing.

Brussels will be warned that if they don’t realise we hold all the cards in time to prevent a No Deal Brexit devastating life in the U.K. then they’re for it.

Williamson was unable to add further comment, as he tried to apply solvent to the mess he’d created at his mouth, but accidentally picked up the superglue again and squirted it across the lot, thus succeeding only in rendering himself speechless.

”It’s just as well,” a military observer observed, “it’ll save Brussels the effort of telling him to shut up and go away. And remember as you crash into the ground and burn, the whole country is behind you.”

The desperate news comes from a unicorn reserve at a secret location in Brexittania. Greedy poachers, unable to wait any longer for their Dividend, have found the reserve.

LCD Views managed to secure an interview via a massively encrypted live link routed via Moscow.

“The unicorns are endangered,” said gamekeeper Annie Malhunter. “We try to protect them at any cost. It’s the horns which are particularly attractive to poachers, so we remove them as humanely as possible.”

Why are the horns so valuable?

“They are supposed to have magical properties,” replied Malhunter. “They solve paradoxes like how to fund public services properly while abolishing taxation, or creating a frictionless hard border. They are reputed to be able to turn the UK simultaneously into both Little England and Global Britain.”

How do you remove the horns?

“First, you have to catch the unicorn,” said Malhunter. “Which is difficult, since they are secretive to the point of being fictional. Then you chop off the horn with a cold chisel, and slap a ‘My Little Pony’ sticker on their flank.”

And what do you do with the horns?

“I’m not authorised to disclose that,” said Malhunter, pointing to a portrait of Vladimir Putin and a pile of roubles.

Is there any other way to discourage the poachers?

“Of course. We lay a false trail of bullshit,” Malhunter explained. “There’s no end of it around here, which is odd given that this is a unicorn reserve.”

Going undercover, fearlessly, we soon located the reserve due to the stench of manure. We soon found an equally fearless poacher named ‘Guy Kell Mauve’ striding through the bullshit. None of it stuck to him, even though he was wading through great heaps of the stuff at times.

“I’m last man standing!” Mauve boasted. “’Blondie’ fell on his sword, and ‘Fagash’ never leaves the pub these days. Softly, softly, catchee money! I mean, unicorn…”

We left Mauve to just get on with it, as he was, in reality, mired in a labyrinth of contradictions.

Meanwhile a new movement, called Save The Unicorns, has sprung up. It consists entirely of hordes of angry, determined, four-year-old girls.

A Brexiter taking part in a nationwide survey, conducted only in English counties without functioning train links to anywhere, says he knew he was voting for his off licence to be replaced by an armoured personnel carrier, when he voted for Brexit.

”They call me Brexit Dad round here,” Figel Narage said, “I’m a big supporter of Chris Grayling too. He’s an inspiration. How far can you rise if you’re exceptionally mediocre but have the right friends. Put that on a meme.”

And as to the potential consequences of a No Deal Brexit, twinned with a recession, plus a new complete incompetent in Downing Street, Figel is blithe.

”I knew what I was voting for when I used my OWN PEN to mark my X. I knew my off licence maybe replaced by an APC. If it’s to stuff the frogs and the hun, it’s worth it.”

And Mr Narage is similarly relaxed about disruption to life saving medicines.

”I’m not a diabetic, so what’s to worry about? People will be able to get anything they want on the black market. I read the other day that the Home Office is building hundreds of new coves in Cornwall for that exact purpose. I already buy my smokes on the black market. F*cking asbestos in bog roll, but they’re cheap. People need to stop their whinging and get behind Brexit.”

But what does he have to say to people who disagree with his stance?

”If remoaners keep running the country down on social media we won’t get the exact same benefits as we had as members of the customs union and single market. Which have no benefits anyway, which is why I voted for Brexit.”

As to the potential cost increase at his off licence once it’s replaced by nervous squaddies in an armoured personnel carrier?

”I’ll just bribe them. That’s how global Britain will do it’s business. Why do you think all the main backers are into emerging markets? Rule of law makes my super strength lager more expensive, not less, and I’m not having it anymore. Once we are free of the shackles of Brussels I’ll be able to swap a few porn mags for some powdered eggs. So quit your moaning and imagine the seamless possibilities of scrapping with a student for some lentils. It’s a bold vision and I’m embarrassing. Who needs experts.”

The U.K. might, mostly in disaster recovery? After we begin our No Deal Brexit?

”That sounds like treason talking,” Brexit Dad began to sidle away, “after Brexit, we’re going to make your type famous. Now get behind the illegally secured, narrow win in the advisory referendum of broken and abandoned promises that threatens to strip centuries of rights accumulation away from 99% of the population and crash the economy for the benefit of disaster capitalists and push!”

Push! Mostly with your elbows in the queue at the sandbagged and machine gun mounted off licence, but only after Brexit…it’s what the people voted for when they voted for Brexit.

The fierce and mighty executive that governs the empire of England has come in for a broadside today with the latest de-evolution of its continuing de-evolving Brexit proposals.

The much anticipated and all new ‘Three Stooges Brexit’ has been immediately slammed for not having enough positions for all the stooges involved in Brexit.

”Only three positions?” a Brexit watcher asked, “no room for Corbyn? He’s as gun-ho for running the U.K. into a lamp post, just like the rest. No room for Hannan, Farage, Banks, Starmer, Patel, Dorries, Chope? Well, the list goes on.”

It’s alleged that pretty much every noteworthy British politician currently shoving the Brexit boulder up the hill side, so they can loose control of it and watch it roll back down all over British democracy, is a stooge for an international clique headed by Putin and his bitch Donald Trump.

”What about Banks? Why isn’t he front and centre? Until he can prove all his impressive wealth wasn’t actually money funnelled from overseas to intentionally corrupt and destroy the rule of law in the U.K., he has to have a main cast role in The Stooges? Surely? And so many others.”

Other critics have targeted the title of the latest Brexit position by Downing Street and said “Useful Idiots” would be more appropriate.

Responding to the fire a spokesman for Downing Street hit back.

”Divide and conquer isn’t working for us in Brexit negotiations,” they explained, “although we’ll keep embarrassing ourselves by trying it,

”But given how famous Brits are for their amazing sense of humour we thought to use our humour as a weapon. If we can get that dour faced Barnier to crack a smile then we’ll definitely get free and open access to the single market without any of the obligations of membership.”

Screening of the British shit show will go on through the summer, no matter how often they stumble over each other, again and again.

”This is Global Britain in action,” the spokesman added, “just in case it’s not already obvious.”

The BBC has announced it is to celebrate the war efforts of famous British patriot Lord Haw-Haw in a special series of interruptions to what they now call journalism.

”It’s a high production special,” BBC commissions editor Nigel Farage told LCD Views, “and working hand in glove with start up production company Bannon and Johnson and Gove and Putin and Mercer and Wigmore and Banks and Assange and Patel and Bannerman and Koch and Koch and Le Penn and Grimes and Alan and Dorries and Rees-mogg we are going to make a success of it.”

It’s believed the inspiration for the special comes after the rip roaring success of the production special ‘Rivers of Blood’ by E Powell, which in no way was an irresponsible and ghastly thing to do as the fascists rise again in the Western Hemisphere.

”Lord Haw-Haw has been unfairly maligned by vested interests,” a random Tory MEP explained a day or two from now on Twitter, “I mean, both sides used propaganda during WW2. Why should one actor be deemed a traitor when the others were doing the same?”

Calls for a pardon are expected to follow the series of specials and even the potential of a statue on Westminsrer Green.

”You can see just how fucked the U.K. currently is with both main political leaders committed to the hard right lies and con of Brexit,” the random MEP accidentally added, “and now we have elected MPs campaigning on behalf of a patsy who broke electoral law, well, how far can we sink?”

The BBC has further added that a companion broadcast explaining that Lord Haw-Haw was working with the Nazi’s has been canned because it would risk ruining the new narrative they are helping the government establish.

World War Three is almost upon us. The signs are all present: a government out of control, the press propagating propaganda, and stockpiling food.

The only difference this time is that the aggressor is not the Germans. The UK is going, gloriously, to war against the UK.

The traitors, saboteurs and enemies of the people will line up against the moderates who would rather stay in the EU.

People holidaying on beaches are preparing to fight for the right to erect a blue flag.

A flotilla of lilos and other inflatables is being prepared to rescue valiant Tommy Robinson supporters from the sandbanks, cut off by the rising tide.

Ration books are being produced, secretly, on the cheap in France. They will serve no valid purpose, but will raise morale by having blue covers.

The cry of “Dig For Britain!” has gone up. This means trendy people in London will be able to harvest their own avocados by the time other food supplies are cut off next March.

Meanwhile in mainland Europe, amusement reigns. “Ve vill vatch vhile zey beat zemselves up,” said Hans Together, rubbing his palms. “And none of ze scheisse about ze Chermans putting towels down!”

“Eet ees, ‘ow you say, ‘ilarious,” agreed Cherie Picking. “‘op off, you rosbifs! And ’ands off le vin blanc and le Camembert!”

Hard cheese for the valiant Brits in their uncivil war is the message from Europe, it seems and only the devotees of the cult of Farage are surprised.

The BBC is doing its bit for the war effort. It is producing a special edition of Casualty, in which the patient is the truth.

The death penalty is being brought back, for “people we don’t like,” according to a government spokesman. People are rejoicing as traditional trades, like constructing gallows, return.

So the Wars of the Passports are due to kick off. It’s burgundy versus blue. Sharpen your rhetoric and polish your speeches. Don’t forget your tinfoil hats!

An arsonist has spoken out today to allay concerns that burning the entire country to the ground for the profit of an internationalist clique of kleptocrats and neocons may cause a few issues, not least with housing stocks, by saying a contingency to fight the fire they have started is being put in place.

“People should take reassurance and comfort in my plan to put sand in a red bucket and label it ‘FIRE’,” the firestarter commented,

“also in the irony that the tin foil hat brigade who have said there is an international conspiracy to take over the world and subvert western democracy may finally have been proven correct. Which is nice. Even if the conspirators are different to those usually listed. Wish fulfilment is lovely. It’s what I strive for daily.”

The fire safety measure, labelled ‘Bucket of sand’, will see one red bucket labelled ‘FIRE’ placed on a sandy beach somewhere in the U.K., so it can easily be refilled after use.

”There is absolutely nothing to worry about,” the arsonist said, while idly striking matches along a match box and flicking them at pieces of paper with ‘rights’ scrawled across them.

”Food supplies. Medicine. Utilities and transport maybe affected by the blazing inferno that I am helping fan across our United Kingdom, but there is nothing to worry about. Bucket means bucket.”

Asked if there were additional measures people could take if they were worried about the flames now consuming centuries of progress concerning representative democracy, the arsonist had some neat advice.

”Go and stand by the red bucket full of sand labelled fire.”

And then what?

”Stick your head in it,” she smiled, “if enough people continue to do just that it will ensure we make a success of Brexit.”