Category: Brexit

The value of one pot noodle (unopened, mint condition) soared today as frenetic trading occurred in the aisles of the United Kingdom’s major supermarkets, smashing one day trading records for major supermarkets.

“Theresa Maybe went onto the tele and said food supplies would be strong and stable in the event of a no deal Brexit,” supermarket analyst Mister Supermarket told our groceries and sundries correspondent,

“following on from that plank Raab saying stockpiled supplies would be adequate, well, it was a red rag to a angry bull. I mean, can you name me one thing this Conservative administration has not completely balls-ed up in it’s time in office? One thing?

“No. I didn’t think so. If you think they’re going to make sure you have food and medicine after they succeed in smashing every single trading link we have with the world, well, I’ve a famous bridge to sell you.”

It seems long life and easy storage were the key phrases as first the noodles, then the rice and later just as many bags of sugar as people could carry, were ferried out of the stores in anticipation of the sort of mass chaos a global conflict can only visit on a developed nation.

“Trading in honey was particularly strong,” Mister Supermarket said, “as early adopters of the bull strategy in long life grocery commodities snapped up the jars and easy squeeze plastic bottles, before selling them on secondary exchanges.”

But the pot noodle was the clear prize and any supermarket with boxes in reserve cleaned up.

“Everyone loves some noodles,” our correspondent said, “and when all you need to do to preserve the commodity is keep it out of the reach of your children, well, a cupboard with a lock and you’re sitting on a runaway stock. The key problem faced by the sharp traders will be whether or not to sell the pot for a massive gain or hold onto it so they have something to fucking eat next year.”

Alarming reports today that a mass graveyard of canaries has been found inside a Brexit mine.

The mine, located at Westminster in central London, is believed to have been opened under the Palace of Westminster during the period of debates during the passage of Dave “the wonder” Cameron’s EU referendum legislation.

”We really got digging under ourselves after June 23rd 2016,” IDS, spokesman for the mining syndicate responsible, told LCD Views, “and we’re going down as far as we can. You can’t hit rock bottom. That’s our slogan at ERG Mining International.”

Work in the mine is expected to continue well beyond March 2019, in spite of numerous breaches of legislative health and safety codes and the lingering concerns the mine is a massive money pit.

”The public is footing the bill for the entire operation,” IDS clarified, “so cost is not an issue. The profits are of course privatised into the hands of a wealthy clique with the vision to break ground in the first place.”

But reports of inability for a canary to survive inside the shafts have been rising for a while. And now scandal threatens the operation after a whistle blower leaked photographs of a mass avian grave.

”These birds are paying a price worth paying for the future of Global Britain the Tax Haven,” IDS rebuffed, “namby pamby, libtard snowflake concerns over canaries dropping like flies aren’t going to stop us blasting away the bedrock of British parliamentary democracy. Our motive is solid.”

Which motive is that?

”The profit motive. And with the support of the leader of the official opposition also saying Brexit mine will pay dividends, we’re not stopping until the Palace of Westminster collapses into the gaping moral and ethical hole we’ve mined underneath it.”

Leading exponents of the UK leaving the European Union have announced that they plan to claim the right of Jus primae noctis , or Droit du seigneur on the night of 29th March next year.

“We’ve completely overturned the notion of elected parliamentary democracy and forced a return to a medieval government by “baronage”, so it’s only fair we get all the nookie rights that go with it,” sneered recently resigned former foreign minister Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson from the window above the drawbridge of the Foreign Office mansion he has been refusing to vacate since quitting his post.

Making bizarre thrusting motions with his crotch, Johnson explained that Jus primae noctis , or Droit du seigneur is an alleged medieval practice whereby the “Lord of the manor”, or equivalent, holds the right to demand sex with any women in their domain, especially on their wedding night or other festive occasions.

“I don’t see what all the fuss is about, it’s only for one night. Not like we’ll be impregnating every filly we take a fancy to in perpetuity,” he added pointing out that with Brussels and the European court of human rights and all the lefty snowflakes out of the way, there’d be no one to stop them.

“So people had better be bloody grateful that we aren’t, or maybe we will anyway,” he harrumphed with an extra hard thrust.

Johnson’s sentiments were echoed by his more slender partner in the axis of evil, Jacob Rees Mogg.

“As a practising Catholic I of course believe in the absolute sanctity of marriage, however I do see a direct parallel between our struggle ‘to take back control’, and that of the glorious knights of the four medieval crusades, battling to return control of the Holy Land to White European Christendom,” he explained.

“They were away from their wives for years at a time and it was only fair that they should continue getting in as much practice as they could so they would be ‘at the top of their game’ when they returned to the marriage bed,” he smirked.

Quizzed on the possible effects on the population of leading Brexiteers demanding free sex from any women they fancy both Johnson and Rees-Mogg expressed little concern.

“In ten years time after we’ve lowered the minimum working age we can send them into the fields and down the mines in place of all the bloody foreigners who’ve been swamping the place,” snorted Johnson.

A possibility with which Mogg was in agreement, adding though that;

“Actually there would be nothing to stop them joining the professions or going into politics, after all pretty well all of the hereditary peers and most of the right wing of the conservative party are either directly descended from bastards, or are, independently, bastards themselves – it’s in the genes dear boy, in the genes.”

There was welcome clarification regarding the U.K. Brexit timetable today as the government released a statement saying, “[The] Article 50 notice period expiring just before the new EU tax laws start in April 2019 was just an accident.”

”We wanted to pour oil on ruffled feathers,” said Priti Patel MP, “I may no longer be a cabinet minister, due to that curious little episode involving me attempting to secretly divert taxpayer money to a foreign military. But the failure to fully investigate what the f*ck I was up to means I’m free to return after Brexit.”

The reassurance was needed as there appears to be a baffling suspicion within remoaner circles that attempting to crash the U.K. out of the EU, thus ensuring no transition period, is part of some dark money conspiracy.

”It’s clearly merely a coincidence,” Priti said, “we don’t think that far in advance in Quitling think tanks. And we love funding our social services and public utilities, in spite of running everything into the ground and privatising all we can. That’s another coincidence.”

It’s hoped the clarification will stop the detractors of Brexit who are undermining May’s negotiating hand by failing to get behind the project.

”It’s a big bear,” Priti commented, “I mean bug bear. Dominic “rabid” Raab tabled a series of perfectly reasonable notes with that Eurocrat Barnier last week and he responded by pointing to social media posts. He said if your people are not united as one voice we can’t possibly let you cherry pick the single market.”

While the hardcore Quiltings push to crash out of the EU is now back in full swing, it’s our duty as a public broadcaster to make sure everyone understands the timing of Article 50 notification and the coming into force of new EU tax laws to crackdown on tax dodging is just a coincidence.

In the land of blind people, the one-eyed man is king.

The man, looking doggedly and determinedly to the right, slammed the government’s compromised Brexit stance. The ERG’s vision is the One True Vision, he confirmed.

The monocular man – who at times sported a monocle – refuses to shut up until everyone agrees with him. “The will of the people is the will of the ERG, which is the will of the JRM”, he stated categorically. “There was a vote, and now I am duty bound to pursue it to its illogical conclusion, while coincidentally enriching myself massively.”

What’s good for JRM Enterprises is good for the country, he said piously.

The government was blindsided by this latest outburst. “We need to keep the one-eyed man happy,” said Helena Handcart MP unhappily. “Otherwise he and his chums will bring us all down. He has no scruples about it. After all, he’s more than ready to bring the whole country down.”

Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Handcart likened Brexit to asking six hundred toddlers to decide whether they wanted their rose-tinted spectacles to have red frames or blue frames.

Eyes were rolling among the hard core of MPs still opposing the One True Religion. We spoke to one frightened MP, who wanted to be known as “Murky Freddery”. “It’s a case of one man, one goal, one mission,” he said darkly. “One flash of light, one real decision. I had a dream when I was young, a glimpse of hope and unity. Visions of one sweet union. Look what they’ve done to my dream!”

He went off in search of food, muttering “gimme gimme gimme fried chicken!”

Meanwhile the one-eyed man was still focusing exclusively on one side of the debate. “It’s not up for debate,” he declared. “I’m right, and I know I’m right, and I will impose my point of view upon the country until it sees the light.”

“There’s none so blind as them that will not see,” he concluded, ignoring the branch of Specsavers right in front of him.

LCD Views can report fantastic news today for lovers of traditional British democracy, and Tory MPs who appear to have been taken from the 19th century, dress sense, social views and all.

”Jacob Rees-mogg is to be cryogenically frozen,” an aide to the slender man told us exclusively, “and thawed out once the benefits of Brexit occur.”

The plan involves a bunker jammed with science stuff somewhere on his sprawling Somerset estate and is expected to be in place before the advent of the No Deal Brexit he’s working so hard to achieve.

”Funny how achieving nothing can actually achieve a lot,” the aide mused, “especially if you don’t want your country to have to adhere to the new EU rules on tax dodging coming into place just after the end of the UK’s Article 50 notice period. Oh and if you think poor people should have a healthy dose of chlorine in their diet.”

As to whether or not the timing of the UK’s exit out of the EU is in anyway related to London being a giant money laundering machine is not for us to speculate.

We’re more interested in how long we’ll be without Jacob’s long shadow cast across parliamentary process. Oh and how his Dublin based investment business is doing. Talk about having your cake and eat it. His consumption of financial cake, in and out of the EU, is set to continue during the cryogenic sleep.

”There won’t be much parliamentary process after Brexit,” the aide reassured, “rubber stamp stuff. So we don’t have to worry about Jacob not being in the voting lobbies. Even if personally I’m in favour of wheeling him in and out of them,

“anyway, Jacob thinks fifty years ought to do it. He’s going to be frozen now so he’s still fertile when he is revived to rule the land like a lord of darkness. Hopefully medical science will make it feasible for him to live for eternity once he awakens from the crypt again. I mean cryogenic facility. Cryogenic. Nothing to do with crypts. Nothing. But please, no garlic or garlic based products. They play havoc with cryogenics.”

It seems too the autocratically minded, energetic MP expects his many children and anticipated grandchildren to rule in his place during his slumber.

”They should have gone on to breed an army of Mogg’s by the time he cracks the ice off his eyelids and rises,” the aide added, “and then Jacob can really feel the benefits of Brexit. Because Brexit ultimately means the death of democracy. And that’s a Brexit benefit we can all enjoy. Especially as we’ll all be serfs.”

Therese Mai Vendreday était unapologetique pour les bad translations de sa texte de Brexitte distributé par sa servantes civille en Bruxelles.

Représentatiffes de les 27 Goveurnements des membres états étaient trés vites pour notifier l’ambassadeur des Royames Unis qu’ils sont pas impressed, et beaucoup de pissed-oeuf.

Mais Mai était unapologetiques.

“Les criticismes sont les bolleux, absolutement. Bien sur, they should be ‘ow you say, ‘chuffed aux bits’ que nous avons made le feurquing effort,” elle dit.

Representatives pour le German gouvernment de Angela Merkel, était pissed-oeuf en particuleurment at the mangling of their German mouth.

“Seine Weisspaper hast einen kompleten kocken-uppen spielen maden offen ihre Langensprach, ” also sprach Oberpolitisheuntersekretaritatenspieler Zara Wustra, out-pointen der vielen Ekxamplen des nichts feasibleeeen Kompoundschennounen und Werbenspielers.

“Eider zey mussen haben genuzen einer zehr altes Diktschönerrich oder sie mussen gehen nach der Schpektenssarvveren,” sprach sie, laffen glücklichly.

Representatives of Slovenia and the Baltic republics were also Friday, believed to be not best pleased but were unavailable for parody due to the Foreign office having failed to locate anyone capable of translating English into any of their native languages.

“To be honest we were only dimly aware they’d joined,” admitted top Whitehall civil servant, Sir Geoffrey Indexlinked-Pension.

“We gave up counting after the first fifteen and just filed everything under “Foreigner – Johnny, various,” he explained fingering his recently acquired French passport.

The Home Office has been slammed today for making a dog’s breakfast of its new dog scrappage and upgrade scheme.

”They’ve parked their tanks on DExEU’s lawn,” an insider from the prime minister’s office told LCD Views, “and rabid Raab is rabid about it.”

It seems the furore is over who gets to issue technical notices to the general public regarding personal preparations for a No Deal Brexit.

”Brexit is Raab’s baby, well, it has many fathers of course, but he reckons his seed got into the egg of fascism before anyone else’s and he wants to raise the bastard personally now he’s baffligly a minister of state.”

And it seems the Home Office scheme differs from Raab’s preferred one too.

”Under the scheme people are encouraged to trade in any small, useless dogs they own and purchase, at a subsidy, a German Shepherd. A much more useful dog in the event of looting, rioting and so on.”

Are the reservations regarding the time needed to raise and train the dog for life after a No Deal Brexit?

”No. Although now you’ve raised it that’s a pertinent point.”

What’s the issue?

”Isn’t it obvious?”

No. Please explain.

”It’s not very British! Is it! A German Shepherd? What’s wrong with a bull terrier or a British bulldog?”

Ah, yes, quite.

”Raab has gone long in dog farming and he’s piled all in on classic breeds of proper, potatriotic British fighting dogs. It never occurred to him to buy shares in German Shepherd puppy farms. He’s going to be well out of pocket now. It will not stand. We’re a democracy and he’s a Tory MP. If he can’t persinally profit from decisions regarding the running of the country, it begs the question why he entered parliament to begin with.”

It certainly does.

LCD Views has hit the streets today and found them to be hard and unforgiving under our fist, even the ones with potholes. That being a futile exercise we decided to locate and talk to a Brexit voter to see what they have to say about the news of “technical notices” in the pipeline for voters.

”I won’t read them,” Mr K Ipper told us directly, “what’s the point?”

Apparently the point is to prepare you for the looming no deal Brexit scenario.

”I don’t need to prepare to get my country back.”

You’re going to be advised to stockpile food.

”That’s project fear.”

You’re going to be advised to stockpile candles.

”So? The lights went out all the time when I was young and it did no harm. It’ll force people to play board games again. Bring back a sense of community that’s been ripped from our homes by the unelected, undemocratic superstate EU.”

Stockpiling medicines you need and fuel?

”You ought to have a little faith in Britain and Brexit.”

Faith won’t cut through the mountain of treaties, legal obligations and so forth no deal Brexit is going to smash, thus rendering the U.K. at the stroke of a big hand on Big Ben isolated and underfed.

”Look you remoaniac, I always knew that when I voted Leave I was voting to stockpile long life food, medicines that control my otherwise life threatening medical condition and heating fuel. But it’s a price worth paying. You want to get behind Brexit and push.”

We went back to hitting the road. That activity, combined with slamming our head repeatedly into a brick wall, suddenly seeming less futile than talking to Mr K Ipper.

People who have plans involving food for 2019 are being advised to change them after recent government victories in the House of Commons.

”There’s no rush,” Doctor Starve, a senior fellow at the University of Paying Attention, told LCD Views.

We spoke to the Doctor while enjoying a smashed avocado breakfast served on sourdough bread baked early this morning, topped with triple poached eggs, slathered in bearnaise sauce and accompanied by a side of pulled grapefruit.

”People should not panic,” Starve went on, “unless they were planning traditional celebrations in 2019 such as birthday or dinner parties. Picnics. Oh, and breakfast, lunch and dinner.”

The Doctor went on to say that it’s advisable to start your panic buying early in 2019.

”Beat the rush,” he advises, “order your storage containers now but wait until late February to start stockpiling pasta, tinned meats and fruits. Oh and get a Parmesan wheel.”

Why a Parmesan wheel?

”If there are widespread fires following on fast, as the ration queues disintegrate into rioting and looting, and you feel the need to flee your home and take sanctuary with a distant relative in a sheltered rural area, you can bury the cheese.”

Ah, just like Pepys?

”Yes.”

But why issue the advice at all?

”The ERG now run the United Kingdom,” Doctor Starve shrugged, “zealots with religious fervour for Brexit who will see anything short of hard Brexit as failure of purity? Do you think they’re going to give a damn if you go hungry?”

They probably think it will build up people’s moral fibre, or some such lunacy.

”Quite. Oh, and they’ve all got second homes in the EU. So why you’re at home scrabbling with a ten year old over a bit of cat they’ll be merrily asset stripping the U.K. from a chateaux across the channel.”

But surely this is all a bit extreme? The government and official opposition could not be so incompetent as to actually allow the United Kingdom to crash out of the EU and disrupt our food supplies so seriously?

”I can tell you haven’t done a PHD in paying attention,” the Doctor smirked, “but then experts, who needs them? Shall we order more grapefruit?”

No. I’ve lost my appetite.

”Now that’s a phrase you won’t hear after we crash out of the EU next year.”