Leader of the free world and defender of democracy wherever he shits on it, Nigel Farage, has announced his intention to form a paramilitary unit out of people who drink at his local.
Talking from the doorstep of a friend’s house in Chelsea ”this morning, Mr Farage elated the adoring crowds who convene each morning to smear his bare feet in vaseline, in order to make it easier to fit them in his mouth.
“People of Britain need not wake another day in fear that their democracy is in danger from immoral voids working handing in glove with shadowy foreign interests bankrolling efforts to undermine British democracy and turn the whole country into a tax haven.”
Mr Farage began, before having to pause, as the vaseline being pushed between his toes made him giggle like a child.
The giggling led to a healthy bout of smoker’s cough. Throats cleared, Nigel resumed and it is said he said:
“Each day, when I pose outside a pub with a pint in hand and a probably sponsored cigarette in my mouth, a steady trickle of ageing men shuffle up and ask me, in booming voices, ‘Nigel, when are we going to take action on the price of getting shit faced daily and going home and rowing with our wives before going bugger it and having affairs and moving out?’”
Mr Farage most likely continued that he interpreted questions such as this as calls to pick up a rifle and defend Brexit and he was damn well going to think long and hard about that.
Almost as hard as choosing which small country owned by the people who bankrolled Brexit to apply for political asylum in if the investigations into certain matters turn the UK into a country he may not like to stay in, due to the climate.
It’s not clear exactly what he will call the unit yet, but odds are on that it will be in tribute to ‘Dad’s Army’, just not loveable and affectionate like ‘Dad’s Army’.
More like a xenophobic moral void that uses people’s emotional fear of things they don’t understand to gain support well disproportionate to what they will ever positively do in return and may well actually work against their interests.
So USHIT is a likely possibility.