Category: Brexit

The year is 2045. Germany is the thriving heart of Europe, and whoever it was who said that they have no sense of humour has been proven well and truly wrong, for last night on the publicly funded GBC (German Broadcasting Corporation) Germany was treated to a new series of its favourite sitcom.

Set in a hotel, it’s called Fehl Turmen, which translates into English as literally “faulty towers”, and is so-named in tribute to an English sitcom from seventy years ago with a name that sounded like that.

The hotel owner, Basil Fehl, and his wife Sybil, had their hands full last night with a consignment of English guests, and Basil is warning all his staff:

“Don’t mention Brexit – I mentioned it once but I think I got away with it.”

He was alluding to the moment earlier when he’d done an impression of Nigel Farage, raised an imaginary glass of beer, and said “bloody foreigners”.

Of course, it all gets ugly when a family of English guests are ordering lunch:

MOTHER: I’ll have the gammon.

BASIL: Ah yes, David Cameron, he announced the referendum.

FATHER: And I feel like some fish please, I’ll have the cheesy ray.

BASIL: Ah, Theresa May, what was it she used to say? Oh yes, that’s it, strong and stable!

SON: Can I just have a hot-dog?

BASIL: Oh yes, Jacob Rees-Mogg, he was there too.

DAUGHTER: And I’d like some won-tons please.

BASIL: Oh of course, Boris Johnson, what an imbecile! That silly red bus, hahaha! [Making speech marks] Three hundred and fifty million! And people believed him!

At this point the children are crying.

BASIL: What are they crying about?

FATHER: Will you stop talking about Brexit?

BASIL: You started it!

FATHER: No we did not!

BASIL: Yes you did, you voted leave!

And so it continued until the English guests stormed out. This segment only covered the last ten minutes of the episode, but already it’s all the viewers are talking about.

The show is already being dubbed into French, Spanish, Italian, Greek and every other continental language, it’s being lapped up by audiences all across Europe.

Although how it will go when it gets an English translation is anybody’s guess.

The Will of the People means The Will of the People only when it suits the government. Compare the famous poll to name a polar research vessel. In this case an overwhelming majority voted for Boaty McBoatface.

The boat in question was subsequently named RSS Sir David Attenborough. Despite the clear Will of the People. This is a clear subversion of democracy. We want are Boaty back.

Compare the ‘advisory’ referendum on whether to remain in the EU. The result stands, we respect it, blah blah. Not remotely an overwhelming majority, yet this counts as the Will of the People. The same People who can’t be trusted to name a sodding boat.

This all stems from David Cameron losing a game of chicken. Caving in to the hardline Eurosceptics in his party to (hopefully) shut them up, he called the referendum. Of course, it all went horribly wrong for him, as Leave narrowly won. Even then, he could have interpreted the poll correctly, and say that the public was divided. We could then have had a serious debate on the issue and would have all been spared the pain. Instead he fell on his sword like a coward and went to hide in his shed.

Theresa May is complicit too. Instead of calling a halt, as you might have expected from someone who backed Remain, she called a disastrous general election and thoughtlessly triggered Article 50. Is May another headless chicken?

The wilful misuse of The Will of the People has led directly to the UK becoming the laughing stock of the world. Which other nation would endure Boris Unsackable Casual Racist Goldenballs Johnson as Foreign Secretary? Who else would conceive of Victorian caricature Jacob Rees-Mogg as a serious contender for Conservative party leader?

Our special relationship with the USA is looking like a competition to elect the worst possible people. A race to the bottom. An Arse Race, if you will.

Brexit means Brexit. But No Brexit is better than a Bad Brexit. Thanks, Will.

A new poll of the governing Conservative Party cabinet, which includes the Labour Party leadership, has revealed the U.K. is united and happy to wait until 2022 for the next general election.

”It’s a fantastic result,” Jeremy Corbyn told LCD Views, “I fancy between Boris and myself and our headline ping pong we can keep the Skripal business running till at least 2021.

Presumably some of the benefits of Brexit will be flowing through by then and we can squabble over whether or not the government gets the credit or we do. This will take us into 2022.”

The chief Lexiter wasn’t the only one pleased.

”To be frank, and this may shock your readers, we can’t deliver Brexit and all the tangible benefits of it without the support of our parliamentary colleagues across the floor.

Just think how happy everyone will be having a blue passport, a commemorative third class stamp and soup,” prime minister Arlene Foster said, “oh and compulsory singing of the national anthem before gruel at school in the mornings.”

The results of the poll, due to be covered extensively and uncritically by BBC News twenty four seven for several days, will cheer people who maybe mildly concerned that the United Kingdom’s present leaders aren’t perhaps making the best fist of things.

Ms Foster’s deputy Theresa May, MP for the Walking Dead, was also asked for comment, but unfortunately there was a blue screen behind both her eyes and her mouth was open but nothing of use was coming out.

EXT   WESTMINSTER   MORNING

The Thames is lit like a Turner. The colours of the sun splashed across the rippling water as if the artist himself has painted it. Fiery reds. Warm oranges.

A tall ship struggles against the outgoing tide in front of the Palace of Westminster.

Its sails are ragged. It lists to one side as if taking on water.

Two figures stand at the prow. A man and a woman. The woman has climbed onto the prow as the man holds her around the waist. They are remaking the famous scene from ‘Titanic’.

CLOSE ON

The woman and the man. KATE HOEY and NIGEL FARAGE.

NIGEL FARAGE is smoking. Great clouds of smoke envelope KATE HOEY. She struggles to keep her balance. She struggles to breathe.

KATE HOEY

“Bloody hell Nigel. As if the Brut aftershave you’ve drowned yourself in isn’t enough.”

NIGEL FARAGE

“Christ. Why the hell did you hire a boat without a bar on it?”

KATE HOEY

“Shouldn’t the fish have been here by now? I can’t stand much more of this.”

NIGEL FARAGE

“I’ve told them there’s a fish market at Westminster today. There they are.”

PULL BACK

Look upstream from the tall ship. See the river full of all manner of ageing fishing boats. Regional flags tells us they come from every coastal region of the United Kingdom.

KATE HOEY

“Can we get a move on sinking this gullible lot? I’ve got to attend the inaugural chicken de-cholorination festival in an hour.”

NIGEL FARAGE

“One by one they float down here. One by one I’ll sink them. Fe fi fo fum, I smell the tears of an Englishman.”

One boat moves forward from the rest. We hear its engine struggling as it pulls alongside the tall ship.

A FISHERMAN who looks like a ghost points mutely at the crates of fish on his deck. He’s missing fingers. There’s so many fish.

FISHERMAN

“Ready when you are Mr Farage.”

NIGEL FARAGE begins to laugh. He’s so amused he starts hacking a smoker’s cough. He can barely breathe.

He releases KATE HOEY.

CLOSE ON

KATE HOEY flaps her arms madly. It looks like she’s going to fall into the water.

KATE HOEY

“Nigel you reptilian shit. Catch me.”

Slowly, so slowly, NIGEL FARAGE reaches out through his hacking and gives KATE HOEY a shove.

END SCENE

Michael Gove MP is promising a catch all reprisal today after reports that proper British fish are applying for EU passports in record numbers.

”Entire shoals of herring have gained Austrian citizenship last week alone,” Mr Gove blurted unfathoming, “schools of cod are currently waiting expectantly outside the Cypriot embassy in Mayfair, London. It’s an outrage. I don’t even know if cod can survive in the warmer waters of the Aegean?”

Reports are also filtering up from the deep that loch based salmon are joining the ranks of other fish making a beeline for the Maltese embassy in Balquhidder, Scotland, to apply for citizenship, along with trout and that most British of fish, the long nosed wafflesnozzer.

”Can fish even make a beeline?” Mr Gove demanded, “when I accepted the promotion to my current chairwarming at the Ministry of Pretending Mickey Cares About Green Stuff, I was told all stocks of British fish were potatoes. I mean potatriots. We will be scaling back freedom of movement for fish. If it’s good enough for 65 million British people to lose, it’s good enough for fish.”

While it’s not clear exactly what measures Mr Gove can take to curtail the freedom to roam of that most mobile of shared resources, Mr Gove is promising,

”a sea wall, most likely, starting at John O’Groats and going right around the entire U.K. to Lands End.”

The wall will be “unscaleable” according to Gove and most likely be built just behind the sand dunes, on the land to “stop British fish accessing the sea before they attempt to flee to foreign nets, regardless of where Westminster allocated and or sold fishing quotas to non-British commercial operations.”

Asked for a response to Mr Gove’s proposal a representative of proper British trout responded,

”I go great with chips,” before adding, “we intend to protest any restrictive measures placed on our migratory patterns by hurling Nigel Farage’s German burgundy passport into a google search for five seconds, as that’s about all it takes to debunk any nonsense a Brexiter spouts.”

The United Kingdom is bereft and confused today as the foolproof Brexit Easter Egg kits were withdrawn from sale, after the rabbit included in each kit refused to lay the promised chocolate flavoured sovereignty eggs.

“We were traumatised,” Mr K Ipper of Juniper Lane, Independence Street, told LCD Views, “we bought a kit from a posh man with a suitcase full on the high road after he told us they were certain to lay Easter eggs. Nothing. Just a lot of rabbit poo on the carpet and some chewed furnishings.”

Mr Ipper wasn’t alone in his disappointment. We spoke to our consumer affairs correspondent to learn more.

“Over seventeen million Britons are reported to have purchased a Brexit Easter Egg kit on the promise that the rabbits inside were better than unicorns for this time of year and would lay chocolate, and maybe even gold eggs.

Nothing has been delivered as promised, in spite of reports of the rabbits straining really hard on a diet of complete and pure bullshit.”

What have the rabbits produced then?

“The promise of jam mostly. Which also makes little sense. The rabbits are pretty much a four legged wrecking ball. People who take them into the home report large, gaping holes appearing in the walls and the rabbits still expecting to be let out into the yard whenever they like.”

I presume unsatisfied customers are eating or returning the rabbits before more harm is done?

“Some are. But interestingly a sizeable percentage of the hoodwinked consumers are still watching their rabbit waiting for it to poop out an egg, or curiously blaming people who just went to the supermarket and purchased an actual chocolate Easter egg.

It’s like the people who bought the rabbits haven’t done the most basic of research. But that can’t be right, as that would make them credulous and self defeatingly stubborn by now.”

How are the manufacturers of the Brexit Easter Egg kits planning to compensate unhappy customers?

“They’re calling them traitors.”

That’s a good first step. And after that?

“Oh, they’ll be too busy counting the money they made selling the bogus Easter Egg kits to worry about that. I expect they’ll take a holiday somewhere tropical and come back in a few years time.”`

The new “Brexit Guide to Chess” has been withdrawn from sale after the discovery that every strategy on offer immediately puts a player deploying it into checkmate.

”Let’s get one thing straight first,” author of the guide, Iain Duncan Smith told LCD Views, “It’s not a book, it’s more a pamphlet, as I don’t know much about chess.”

You’re still an expert though?

”I am if I self-identify as one.”

You self-identify as an expert on a lot of subjects, why not chess?

”My thoughts precisely. You wait until my book on brain surgery during space flight comes out.”

Let’s deal with the chess guide first. What’s gone wrong?

”Total lack of patriotic spirit amongst British youth. This book is aimed at the Tory youth market. Naturally I expected to sell millions of hard copies.”

But isn’t the problem with the book the lack of actual strategies contained?

For example, you’ve replaced the famous ‘four pawns gambit’ with cut out vouchers for prawns from a seafood wholesaler owned by your second cousin.

”Do you have a seafood allergy? What’s the problem?”

It’s not much use in a game of chess.

“It is if I refuse to acknowledge reality and believe it is. Are you a secret remoaner?”

What about the ‘Calabrian Countergambit?’

”What’s that? This isn’t Radio 4, is it? You’re not as sympathetic as you’re supposed to be.”

The ‘Calabrian Countergambit’ is one of the most famous chess strategies! You’ve written the title and then instructed people to buy a horse from your wife’s ex-flatmate’s stable.

”I don’t see what the problem is. You can be an actual knight with a real horse! You can make a serious impression on any game.”

Iain Duncan Smith, you have here on page one that all pawns should be sacrificed at the start of the game. That they should be viewed as the feckless, layabout, curtain twitching undeserving poor who will only be motivated to do a proper day’s work by increasingly arbitrary and soul crushing sanctions.

”It worked for reforming welfare.”

Iain Duncan Smith I put it to to you that you are a leech who survives on patronage and should not be allowed near public policy making.

”Oh my God. You’ve completely nailed John Humphrys back when he gave a shit and wasn’t just phoning it in before lunch with a Tory chum daily.”

Thank you for your time.

”Thank you too,” Iain replied, “Did you like how I replaced the ‘Bird’s Opening’ with a short story I wrote imagining me as a Dambuster? That’s my personal favourite.”

LCD Views has the pleasure to be the first to announce that a well known and highly regarded frog in a boiling pot of water has gone on a UK wide tour.

“We thought it’s best to take the frog on the road now,” specialist animal handler JRM told LCD Views, “as I fancy I’m going to put the lid on the pot any day now. I’ve been trying to train it with gradual increases in heat, but each time I think it’s going to do exactly as I order, well, it tries to jump out of the water. I’m about done with it.”

Still, while the frog remains it will be sure to impress people in all the nations of the optimistically named United Kingdom.

“I have taught it to croak out some lovely phrases,” JRM informs us, “people said you can’t teach a frog to speak, but we’ve proven them wrong. If the flame nudges up in intensity every day, just a little bit, it’s amazing what you can teach a captive, but limited, intellect to say.”

Strong and united is apparently the latest effort.

“It’s hilarious. Sometimes I weep a little with mirth when I consider the accuracy needed to make every statement the frog croaks out immediately self-contradictory. It’s like an attempt to put the fire out in a burning house merely by affirmation.”

But shouldn’t the frog have croaked it by now, given the heat of the water?

“Well, to be honest, I don’t think my little beauty quite understands how hot the water is. Denial is a vital part of the act.”

The tour is expected to be brief, but only because so few people could be pre-arranged to come and smile at what is now just an exercise in cruelty.

“It’s my speciality,” JRM adds, “just imagine me as prime minister one day?”

Breaking news from the world of sports this evening says the smart money is betting on the United Kingdom to lose the tug of war it is currently waging as both U.K. teams are on one side.

LCD Views spoke to Emily Thorn-should-be-in-Tory-neocon-coup-Brexit-side to find out more.

”I go home and scream into my bathroom sink each night,” she told us,

“I’m just packing it over the fear of deselection by Momentum now.

My doctor said he sees the early signs of Stockholm Syndrome afflicting me too, just like poor lost Keir.

But I’m sure blah, blah, blah Momentum with their fanatical insistence on adherence to dogma will look after me if I just do what they say, like all the other MPs who are so removed in life experience from real threats to the United Kingdom that they have no idea what to do in the face of a coup of parliament by tax haven serving thugs.”

It’s not surprising the opposition is so confused, as the tug of war is actually an usual three way contest, and there are more tugs of war happening at once than usual.

”It’s bloody puzzling,” Emily continued, “we’re supposed to just be tugging hard at the governing party, but my own party is run by a bunch of old men now who missed the boat Castro was on and think they can swim out to it now in a Lexit row boat. So they’re actually tugging with Theresa May the puppet and hoping to push her into the mud at the last tug.”

It’s not going to work, is it?

”No. The EU have the 21st Century on its team and they’re going to totally stuff us. But what can you do? Except try and make the best of it?”

You can remember as an elected representative you’re supposed to be protecting the United Kingdom from clear and obvious destruction. You’re supposed to put country before party.

”Oh you thought criminal you. You’re totally for it when my good, good, we never deselect me friends take over from the lying, cheating con artists currently in power.”

Brexit was always a case of smoke and mirrors. Our national, and supposedly impartial, broadcaster, the BBC, has a duty to investigate this and report the truth.

It is, of course, entirely coincidental that the government would like the state-funded broadcaster to look the other way when it suits them.

There are serious issues at stake here. If Brexit is to succeed, then trade deals, border controls and immigration worries must be resolved. These require delicate and detailed negotiations, not sleight-of-hand. Our government is neither delicate nor detailed. Its Empire-sized ego has made promises it cannot possibly deliver upon. Nothing concrete, just tooth-rotting quantities of fudge.

Ironically, it is the attention to detail and practicalities that the EU has shown which are doing the most damage to the UK’s cause. Our desire to escape EU bureaucracy is foundering upon EU bureaucracy.

Anti-Brexit marches have taken place. You wouldn’t know this from the BBC. The People are speaking, but the BBC is not listening.

Instead, the BBC is gratefully obsessing about Russians, gleefully distracting attention from matters closer to home. A cynic may well wonder if the Skripal poisonings were ordered by High Command for this very reason.

This is distraction theory. It allows the BBC to focus on the mouse in the room at the expense of the elephant.

Meanwhile, Jacob Rees-Mogg loftily informs the cave-dwellers that there is no such thing as mammoths, before setting off on a mission to hunt for ivory.

“I’m getting bored of being ignored,” said the elephant, coincidentally named Donald Tusk. “I’m going to deposit another massive load of poo in the House of Commons. Then I’m packing my trunk and saying goodbye to the circus. I’m going to bugger off and take up residence in the BBC newsroom for a bit. Someone might notice me then!”

It is a third coincidence that elephants are scared of mice. Which, presumably, is another reason why the mouse was released into the room in the first place.