How long can Starmer be kept champing at the bit without getting mouth ulcers?

LCD Views has received a copy of a copy of a receipt for specialist political veterinary services this morning that suggest one of Labour’s political thoroughbreds maybe undergoing treatment for mouth ulcers after champing at the bit for months.

The receipt gives little information but allows a lot of room for interpretation.

“Name : King Starmer Stud : Labour Condition : Mouth ulcers Treatment : Freedom of speech Prognosis : Time will heal once he’s given his head”

We spoke to a specialist in the field to see if they could glean anymore.

“It’s a pretty common condition for individuals in both the major parties currently. The smaller studs don’t seem to be afflicted, but both the Labour and Conservative stables have dozens of cases. BBC programmes are where you see the problem most acutely.”

It’s believed common brand name salve treatments of saying, ‘any day now’, ‘just be patient’ and ‘let the politics play out’ alleviate the symptoms of champing.

“The only proper cure is to let him have his head. He’s built for races like the Brexit Grand National, but with the organisers constantly changing how many furlongs are in the actual race, it’s problematic for the owners of the stud to know when to just let him run.”

It’s believed the length of the course is likely to be clarified shortly, with many of the major sponsors threatening to begin pulling out within weeks if a decision isn’t made.

“They like to keep his profile up for the punters. You hear and see footage of his trials and you can see he’s just straining to break out and run and jump.”

Stud price is likely to rise significantly with a few more wins under his belt.

“He could win the Grand National, or GE one day, although there’s plenty of other contenders. I’d just let him go for it and see what he can do.”

LCD Views advises they loosen the bit and let this stallion run. He’ll probably make it over the highest jumps. Keep him held back for too long though and he might crash into a watery ditch with the rest of the runners.

Man who tied himself to railway tracks convinced engine steaming down line has more to lose

A man who has tied himself to some railway tracks in a leafy part of little England is sure the locomotive steaming down the line towards him has more to lose when it hits.

“There’s nothing you can say that will convince me a man can’t stop a locomotive in its tracks if he just believes in himself,” Mr Barry Welleave told LCD Views Karma correspondent.

“I wanted my best mate to join me, but all he’s done since I made my decision is moan and undermine me so I’ve unfriended him down the pub. Sod him. It’ll be easier to stop this train if he put his shoulder in behind me though. I told him we just have to believe in ourselves. He told me some facts in return. What use are they?”

The train itself, catchily titled ‘Fate’ has been running along the same lines for many years and there’s no sign that the driver has noticed just how stubbornly Mr Welleave has roped himself down.

“I could probably wriggle out in time if I tried, but that would be a bit embarrassing, so I reckon on staying put and seeing this out now.”

The tracks are starting to vibrate rather heavily and our correspondent is now trying to undo the ropes.

“Leave off mate. You can’t tell me what to do!”

A suggestion that being turned to mince by the approaching iron giant will leave lasting consequences was similarly rejected.

“Moan. Moan. Moan. Are you the moanatour? Sure it may hurt a little initially, but I’ll be right just as soon as I superglue myself back together.”

David Davis puts job on the line by opening his mouth again

David Davis, Secretary of State for Perpetual Confusion (and Brexit), has put his job on the line this afternoon by opening his mouth again.

The gaffe happened after the latest round of EU/Brexit negotiatons with Barnier.

Barrier is a man not many people in the UK know much about, and you’re not going to learn much about him here, as we’re too busy gawping in bemused horror at Davis. A man who is designing the UK’s future with an hourglass that’s running out fast.

“The government [UK] will not accept any constitutional and economic risk to the country,” Mr Davis stated this afternoon.

This could cost him his job.

For the first time a government minister responsible for Brexit has decided to break ranks and describe it honestly, presumably because he’s worked out what it is at last.

It will not go down well in Downing Street.

Ms May is rumoured to have ordered anyone who works out what Brexit is to come and tell her first.

“He’s a complete idiot!” An aide to the PM told LCD Views. “May is livid. Now everyone knows what Brexit is before her.”

The only thing that might save Davis is May’s unwillingness to lose all her cabinet ministers in the space of a week.

Although if he is given the chance to “resign” over the gaffe, Davis can spend more time studying a big chart of the human body.

This will enable him to finally master the names of two vital body parts that have puzzled him for decades. Just maybe he’ll be able to tell the difference between his elbow and the other thing.

Given he has been set a test date of a little under two weeks away to prove he knows which is which, he best hit the books and hit them hard. If the course books exist of course, that’s doubtful too!

Boris Johnson to swim by Grimsby and reassure fishermen they can have their fish and eat them too

LCD Views has received exhilarating news this evening that Boris Johnson is to swim by Grimsby to reassure fishermen they can have their fish and eat them too.

Mr Johnson phoned LCD Views from his American working holiday to outline how he’s going to save the fishing fleets of Grimsby now they are realising Brexit is going to leave them up a creek without a paddle.

“I’d like the good, hard working, soul of Grimsby to know that I think Donald Trump is a wonder, a star, a blazing Orion and I will be laying the groundwork for a post Brexit Free Fish Trade Deal with the USA just as soon as I finish promising British layabouts will be airlifted to America to shine his gold lift while talking in Dick Van Dyke accents.”

Mr Johnson went on to make it clear that the fish being exported to America will be free and Grimsby will receive a lot of positive tweets in return that can only encourage their tourist industry.

“To help. To show. To feel my love. I will be swimming by Grimsby just as soon as I return from the mighty giant across the pond, where I’m looking for a future after Brexit crashes, and I’ll put on my trunks and swim by Grimsby fishing boats and wave desperately in Union Jack bathing shorts shouting for salvation.

You can have your fish Grimsby and you can eat them too. I’ll write it on a bloody bus if I have to! It maybe grim up north, but it will be worth it with me pushing your children into the sea for you and getting away scot free.”

Brexit going swimmingly, says child wearing water wings in the shallow end

The child, whose name was Dave, or Davey, or something like that, insisted on making political comments in between instructions.  

“Brexit is going really well,” said Davey. “We will soon have all the poor boys out of the pool. That’s what it’s all about innit. Do you like my St George swimming trunks?”

His mother, Terry, encouraged her son as he puffed and splashed.

Little Dave Davey’s face kept going under the water, but he would bob up, grinning as if nothing untoward had happened.

“He’s only little,” she said indulgently. “Even in the shallow end he’s out of his depth! But he won’t be beaten.”

Another boy, known apparently as “Boz”, was splashing about heedlessly nearby. Blond and reckless, and even less competent than little Davey, he was nonetheless ducking the other boys’ heads in the water for a laugh.

“He can’t swim, and doesn’t even try,” said his exasperated mother. “Yet he always comes up dry and smiling, if tousled.”

She gave her wayward son the thumbs-up as he pulled little Micky Grovel’s trunks down again. “Little scamp!” she said, proudly.

The instructor, Mike Barnaby, was disappointed with his charges.

“Not one of them has made progress this term,” he moaned. “And the parents are no better, they think they can get away with anything. If this doesn’t stop pretty soon, they will all be banned from the pool.”

At this point, Micky Grovel (his trunks restored to their rightful position) shouted “I think we’ve all had enough of teachers!”

He received a loud cheer from the other boys before Boz waded in to push him under again (more cheers).

Just then Barnaby’s boss, Johnny Junkyard, arrived to take Terry out on another embarrassing date.

The boys all clambered out of the pool reluctantly, all except Boz who remained behind to piss in the water.

David Davis allegedly injured in freak shoelace tying incident

Unverified reports out of Westminster this afternoon suggest that fearless Secretary of State David Davis has been injured in a freak shoelace tying incident.

LCD Views sent our ‘loads of cobblers’ correspondent down to the House of Commons to learn more.

“I am stood here with the bustling press pack hoping someone will be able to get me inside the Houses of Commons, or, failing that take pity on me and let me copy their notes.”

So he’s not up to much, so we phoned one of our sources instead.

“He was attempting to tie his shoelaces I believe,” Ms U Seless, who claims to be a junior minister in DExEU told us, “as he’s been taking lessons for a while now. He really felt he was up to it. But I guess not.”

Ms Seless went on to describe how from what she had gathered from unsubstantiated rumours, Mr Davis believed he had managed the task, but was unaware he had tied the laces of both shoes to one another.

“When he tried to walk he just toppled over and lay on the carpet looking mortified and asking if anyone knew how he could get out of the shoes.”

Apparently he was clutching all the Brexit impact assessments when it happened and they were scattered about the room.

“This is going to delay the release of the impact assessments by days probably. He’s got to work out how to sit up, work out how to untie the ferocious granny knot his laces are caught in and then get about the room collecting all the papers. It’s going to be monumental.”

As to how they are going to prevent a repetition of the incident, luckily the plucky MP has an idea.

“I reckon we put him in velcro shoes, at least until this Brexit fiasco is finished. It means a lot of wasted money on the shoelace tying course, but, we desperately want to get those Brexit impact reports out to the whole of parliament and the public as soon as we can!”

LCD Views has decided to start a fundraiser to purchase the suitable shoes. We’ll let you know when it’s live. The future is at stake! Our secretaries of state must learn how to walk so they can run!

Nigel Farage allegedly forming paramilitary unit out of people from his local

Leader of the free world and defender of democracy wherever he shits on it, Nigel Farage, has announced his intention to form a paramilitary unit out of people who drink at his local.

Talking from the doorstep of a friend’s house in Chelsea ”this morning, Mr Farage elated the adoring crowds who convene each morning to smear his bare feet in vaseline, in order to make it easier to fit them in his mouth.

“People of Britain need not wake another day in fear that their democracy is in danger from immoral voids working handing in glove with shadowy foreign interests bankrolling efforts to undermine British democracy and turn the whole country into a tax haven.”

Mr Farage began, before having to pause, as the vaseline being pushed between his toes made him giggle like a child.

The giggling led to a healthy bout of smoker’s cough. Throats cleared, Nigel resumed and it is said he said:

“Each day, when I pose outside a pub with a pint in hand and a probably sponsored cigarette in my mouth, a steady trickle of ageing men shuffle up and ask me, in booming voices, ‘Nigel, when are we going to take action on the price of getting shit faced daily and going home and rowing with our wives before going bugger it and having affairs and moving out?’”

Mr Farage most likely continued that he interpreted questions such as this as calls to pick up a rifle and defend Brexit and he was damn well going to think long and hard about that.

Almost as hard as choosing which small country owned by the people who bankrolled Brexit to apply for political asylum in if the investigations into certain matters turn the UK into a country he may not like to stay in, due to the climate.

It’s not clear exactly what he will call the unit yet, but odds are on that it will be in tribute to ‘Dad’s Army’, just not loveable and affectionate like ‘Dad’s Army’.

More like a xenophobic moral void that uses people’s emotional fear of things they don’t understand to gain support well disproportionate to what they will ever positively do in return and may well actually work against their interests.

So USHIT is a likely possibility.

Government hires additional 8,000 porters to cart about ministerial Brexit denial

The government is in danger of fresh accusations of ill judged use of public funds today after the revelation in LCD Views (we got it first!) that they have hired an additional eight thousand civil servants to cart about all the denial being created by people working on Brexit.

“It’s a health and safety issue really,” a spokes-droid for DExEU commented.

“You’ve got an ageing man like Mr Davis racing about here and there, he can’t be expected to personally carry the ever increasing burden of denial of the impact of Brexit on every vital sector of the UK’s economy and culture.

He’s going to pop a disc. Or at least strain something, a hamstring or whatever you call that tricky bugger down at your heel? The Trojanstring? Achilles! Achilles heel!”

The additional staff will begin work almost immediately after a short orientation course.

“All new staff have to wear blindfolds. It can take a bit of adjusting to. People tend to walk into walls a lot when they begin working for DExEU. But you soon get numb to the impact bruising.

Once they’ve got the hang of pretending everything is fine and ignoring the complete and absolute lack of any sensible guiding strategy, they’ll find carrying the bags of idiocy and denial Davis creates daily simple.”

Other measures under consideration by the government to speed up work on Brexit are the possibility of changing all the instructive door labels in the relevant government departments.

“You know when you see a “push” label on a door and you just stand there for ten minutes pulling at the door!” the spokes-droid added. “It’s really quite funny watching any minister working on Brexit trying to enter a building.”

It’s felt that by swapping the door labels to the reverse it will increase workflow through the entry to the building and may just subconsciously give them ideas about stopping this bullshit altogether.

ATOS declare Brexit fit for work

The government was claiming a victory tonight as its most cherished employee, Brexit, was declared fit for work by ATOS, in spite of being clearly close to breathing its last.

Concerns had been raised that Brexit, existing on disability payments disguised as funding the scale of which could pretty much save the NHS, clear student debt and renationalise the bloody railways, once it plays out; that Brexit was only pretending to be incredibly ill.

Incapable of achieving partially any task assigned to it.

Massively wasting public resources when it should be out making a success of itself.

And being a terrible advertisement for British workers, and most definitely a productivity drain of an outstanding scale.

So ATOS decided to give it the treatment.

LCD Views understands Brexit was texted and informed it needed to get off its lazy, taxpayer sponging backside and down to its local office 87 miles away for a surprise assessment to determine whether or not it should continue to be a recipient of huge taxpayer funding for no discernible gain, or sent back out to work under the threat of being given even more public funding. An unusual bit of reverse psychology described as a one off.

“It’s a massive win,” David Davis crowed.

“ATOS has evaluated Brexit and in spite of finding it confused, incoherent, and seemingly on its last legs, it was passed fit for work and told to go out there and make a success of itself.”

Brexit was unavailable for comment on the decision. Although we understand from a source close to it that it finds this article almost as incoherent as it finds itself.

This is not surprising, given it’s a hard right ideological coup funded by tax dodging offshore billionaires which cynically prayed on the nostalgia and irrational fears of enough of the population who couldn’t tell the difference between a plate of shit and a chicken sandwich because they read the Daily Mail and it has yet to say anything that could honestly be declared sense.

JSA recipients to work as NHS nurses until they’re retrained as post Brexit fruit pickers

The department for working (maybe there’ll be pensions years away) announced today it was working on a three way project with the health secretary Jeremy Hunt, and Micky “wonder kid” Gove, to kill two birds with one stone.

“From the 1st December 2017 all recipients of JSA will have to work as nurses in order to get their generous government allowance, which will be paid quarterly, to better reflect the world of dividends the people dreaming up policies like this live in.”

Essentially, the spokesman went on to elaborate, it’s to prepare today’s lazy, benefit scrounging layabouts to be the millionaires of tomorrow.

“It will also solve the perplexing problem of a sudden crash in EU born workers for both nursing and the agricultural sector.”

LCD Views believes this is excellent planning and a great response to what appears to be a looming crisis in both the NHS and the soft fruit growing business.

“People from the EU really are showing themselves to be fair weather friends. No one has said they are going to have to wear a badge that labels them a second class citizen, it’s just the changing reality. British born people are worth more than any others, something it does to remind the arrogant people across the channel of from time to time.”

Campaigners working to protect the NHS have voiced concerns that many of the JSA recipients marched into wards may not be qualified for the work and put patients’ lives at risk, but the government has responded by criticising them for talking yet another nation building initiative down.

Farm advocacy groups are also alarmed, having not been consulted either.

“We just needed their votes to stage our ideological coup,” a government minister replied off the record.

“Liam and Boris are sorting out such a good FTA with the USA it’s likely there won’t be any need for farms once we fully realise the possibilities presented by Brexit. And you can rest assured any of the ‘special nurses’ will be excellent at taking blood, I’m going to train them myself.”