Category: Brexit

Leading Brexiters have given interviews to quell concerns over the breaking of promises made to fishing communities during and after the EUref campaign.

”I have to confess it was always the intention to catch and release the fishing folk’s vote,” Jacob Rees-mogg admitted from the deck of the luxury yacht he keeps moored in his moat, “I hope the explanation that you’ve all been duped based on not knowing the basic facts helps?”

”It was blindingly clever,” Nigel Farage said, while waiting to meet a Russian woman on a park bench, “if you know people won’t bother fact-checking emotive assurances you can pretty much get enough to back you in anything.

I mean, all I have to do is phone up a BBC producer and promise the taxpayer funded broadcaster a spike in ratings and revenue and I’m booked. Their little hearts always beat faster. Their mind fogs. It’s like taking candy from a baby.”

Kate Hoey MP, somehow, was also approached for comment, but she was too busy threatening Snow White for comment.

As to how the communities affected by one of the last promises of Brexiters to be broken are feeling?

”Don’t ask a leading Brexiter,” Dan Hannan said, while putting the finishing touches to a mixed media statue of Satan, utilising various pasta forms and hate glue, “we really couldn’t give a flying fish.”

Mr Hannan later phoned back to correct his statement.

”I meant to say we couldn’t give a flying shit,” he added, “anyone who votes for us is a willing pawn in our plan to asset strip the U.K. to its bones while we tear up the red tape.

By red tape I mean legislation protecting worker’s rights, gender equality, access to health and education, racial equality, voting, basically anything that makes a society more fair and prosperous but means a smidgen less cash in an offshore bank account.

Can I take this opportunity to thank Jeremy Corbyn for getting populist on immigration and wages too? It really does help us.”

Sadly it looks like many have bought into the Brexit agenda hook, line and sinker.

But it’s not too late to stop drag netting the bottom of our politic and resurface, although the sun is already over the yardarm, it’s no time to stand easy if we value our democracy.

The new Brexit dictionary has been removed from the shelves as it was sadly lacking in detail. In fact it only defined three words, and poorly at that.

Linguistic expert Ettie Mology slammed the Dictionary. “This is the most pathetic, feeble attempt at a book that I have seen in a long time!” she fumed. “I know the government is running out of ideas, but really! None of the definitions makes sense.”

Brexit supremo David Davis begged to differ. “I wrote and approved it myself!” be bragged. “I have devoted many long seconds to its preparation!”

Mology suggested that the many blank pages were intended for Davis to do crayoning during Brexit negotiations. It is entirely coincidental that the Dictionary, which retails at £350m a week, comes with a free packet of Crayolas.

The Dictionary defines ‘gullible’ as ‘prepared to have faith in the government’s Brexit strategy’. ‘Strong’ is defined as ‘see stable’, and ‘stable’ as ‘the ability to prop up a minority by buying votes’, with a note to the effect that it has nothing to do with horses.

Far from being underprepared and lacking in substance, that is not the real reason for the withdrawal, Davis reveals. “There was a significant oversight, alas,” he confessed. “We accidentally omitted the word ‘Brexit’!”

The reprint – which will have traditional blue covers – will contain the word Brexit in all its glory. Davis revealed that the definition of Brexit will be ‘Brexit’.

“Unfortunately, this means that the cost of the Brexit Dictionary will increase,” said Davis breezily. “But it will all work out for the best. Every household will be obliged to own a copy of the Little Blue Book.”

Lovers of languages will doubtless be apoplectic with the diminution of the rich tapestry that is the English tongue. “It’s a debasement, a sacrilege,” commented Mology. “The government is attempting to drag us down to its level.”

Boris Johnson is said to be distressed that the Dictionary omits some of his favourite words, like ‘fibblefabble’.

David Davis put on his half finished Brexit suit today to announce he was “Putting the lotion on our skin so we don’t get the hose again”.

This “is the new take back control” he added.

The reassuring statement was made from the bottom of a well that Mr Davis has been digging in the basement of 10 Downing Street, with the help of other Conservative party MPs, that have also taken themselves, and us, hostage.

”I now feed myself with a bucket on a string,” Davis looked surprisingly okay with that, as he peered over the rim of the deep hole to see what he was doing with the lotion.

”Some idiots think that the EU is bullying us, but given we have kidnapped ourselves with the ruse of a sovereignty sofa that needed lifting into the back of a control van, I think it’s fair to say we’re doing this to ourselves.”

So how often do we have to apply the lotion to our skin, so we don’t apply the hose to ourselves again?

”Anytime there is a negotiating chokepoint in the Brexit negotiations. It’s amazing how fast the lotion can rub out a red line on our skin.”

Is there anyway we can rescue ourselves from this hole we’ve thrown ourselves into? Before we finish the Brexit suit?

”Yes. But only if enough people ditch their political party loyalties and show the sociopaths to the far left and the far right that we aren’t prepared to skin ourselves to make their ideological wet dreams come true. Oh, and Hannibal Lectre.”

What’s he got to do with it?

”There is no way in hell he’s a Brexiter. He’s too smart. Even if he is a mass killer.”

So we need to get big money working for us?

”It’s about time they did.”

Brexit clarity at last today as the Conservatives on the Brexit select committee confirm that not ruining the United Kingdom by the arbitrary timetable agreed between Rupert Murdoch and Theresa May would be “a betrayal of Rupert’s values.”

”You recall how rapidly Theresa May flew to New York to meet with the offshore media mogul when she became prime minister?” Downing Street insider S Tinks asked.

How could we not. It shows you who is the boss. Who goes to see who.

”Not always, sometimes CEO’s of companies like Westminster drop in on branches to keep everyone on their toes.”

Rupert doesn’t need to do that, he just sends around Michael Gove.

”Yes. 10 Downing Street is a little too low on the league table with Brexit to waste the time of the endless boss of England. He’s got to ruminate on how much Jerry gets when he pops his clogs.”

So what did the Brexit select committee stooges have to say in detail?

”Put a smile on an old man’s face,” S Tinks said, “Rupert didn’t invest heavily in disinformation and smear for so many years regarding the UK’s relationship to the EU not to see the entire country go up in flames before he regenerates into his next form. It’s a colonial grudge in some ways. Wait until we get to WTO rules! Ha!”

So the less prepared the country is for any Brexit the better?

”If you’re an ‘emerging market’ specialist like Jacob Rees-mogg the less prepared the more the potential profit.”

Next you’ll be saying Brexit is just a front for asset stripping the U.K.

”Oh, some of the assets will stay in the U.K., just the ownership of them and where the profits end up will change. But your GP surgery is still going to be at the end of your street.”

If it stays open.

”Quite. Brexit may just worsen the NHS recruitment issue, a little. It maybe Lexit or the NHS, in the end.”

So what should ordinary voters do to ensure the clock runs out on time?

”Vote for either Labour or Conservative, clearly, in the May 3rd elections, and when the general election happens later this year.”

Or UKIP.

”Not much need to do that, they’ve taken over the country already by getting May and Corbyn to commit to Brexit. And we all know UKIP’s values!”

If you can call what they have values.

“Yes well, just be secure in the knowledge parliament is more of a team then they want you to believe. Look at the whipping for Article 50?”

How could I forget it. It was a serious dereliction of duty. It was the day I tore up my Labour Party membership card.

”That makes you a class traitor who is responsible for homeless people on the streets.”

That what I keep getting told.

“Good. So remember, it’s a choice between a jobs go first Brexit and then we Brexit, or a jobs go first Brexit, but with added viciousness regarding welfare policy in the interim.”

Both Brexits lead to the same grisly end.

”Yes. Both keep Rupert Murdoch happy. And if that’s not a reason to support Brexit, I don’t know what is.”

Brexit High Command has released a new device into the debate over the United Kingdom’s possible departure from the European Union called the  ‘absolute confusion cluster bomb’.

“We had to step up our game of pigeon chess to a level not seen before,” Brexit weapons specialist, Doctor A Narchy, told LCD Views.

Why? Throwing scat about like a monkey with gastro has served you so well on social media, MSM and in parliament so far?

”Yes, but too many of our opponents have worked out that all our arguments are total bollocks that can be countered by a brief google on the subject to hand.

Our bot farms are getting closed, now that the gods who run Facebook and Twitter have finally had their attention dragged back to the earthly realm.

Our “thinktanks” are under investigation for breaches of electoral spending rules, and we’re having to set fire to them and run to new ones.

Our swagger over making trades deals after Brexit has been torpedoed by Trump and his tariff war.

Our projection of global might and power has been shown as a delusion. The first security issue that comes up as we shout ‘go whistle’ at the EU has seen us frantically phoning up the EU.

We can’t solve the Irish Border issue. Everyone can see that now. Keep the DUP happy so the Tories can stay in power (the only thing of importance in governing the U.K.) and you risk a return to violence. Don’t keep the DUP happy and we can’t bully parliament.

Corbyn is no bloody help.

He keeps spouting jobs first Brexit.

But we’re already doing his jobs first Brexit.

The jobs are going right now. Brexit will follow thereafter.

Although it’s good of him to tow the populist alt-truth line on Brexit. But he can only do that until Nissan pulls out of England. And that day is fast approaching…the Japanese keep warning us and no one is listening.

We don’t have the physical space for customs infrastructure at Dover, or anywhere else, so we can take back control of our borders.

It’s a bloody mess. Which is weird as, given all the care and planning that went into Brexit.

There is no way the leaders of both Labour and the Conservatives would have whipped their MPs to vote through the article 50 legislation unless the country was ready to do it.

The only other explanation is that they are either incompetent or pursuing an ideological agenda that ignores reality in its fervour. And that can’t be right.

So we’re a bit stumped if I’m honest. Radio 4 Today programme is run by a mate of Murdoch and Banks and little Liam, so that’s useful. It’s basically a hard right propaganda mouthpiece now with a bunch of aged, empire nostalgia freak men doing their best, but…”

So you’ve gone for a total cognitive dissonance device?

”Yes. So long as everyone ignores that trade is governed by rules and laws agreed internationally, we will succeed.

We’ve abandoned all our other promises and assurances and claims, why not take back control? Fiendishly clever.

Take back control is now throw away all control. It’s perfect.

And remember if someone mentions the Irish Border blame the EU for wanting to impose one. Ignore that May agreed a backstop nothing changes last December.”

Thats all a little confusing.

”We want confusion and anarchy. That’s where we will make the most money.

Remember, Brexit is a hard right tax dodging disaster capitalist’s agenda utilising nationalism and racism as motivators and deadly smokescreens.

And remember you’re the bad guys now.

You want control of our borders and only a lunatic wants that. You must all be xenophobes!”

No, I want nothing to change. Reform where needed. Consultation and evolution. But I want to stay in the single market and the customs union as that is the only answer to seamless, free flowing trade.

”Thats exactly what I want. So we agree.”

This is just confusing.

”It’s supposed to be.”

SMART BORDER : Great relief today at the announcement from the Home Office that border collies are to be used at Dover as the post Brexit border, as they’re smarter than anything a f*cking Brexiter will dream up.

”We’re very pleased to have finally nailed it,” Said Javid told LCD Views during a lunch date by the Thames.

We had chosen a pop up bistro called the Full Metal Balls-up, which serves traditional English war vegan cuisine, for the interview, as we wanted him to suffer as much as we knew we would.

”Would you mind passing the gluten free red gherkin sauce?” he asked, “these freedom turnip fries are a little over cooked. Here, share some of my meat free gammon substitute? I don’t think I can finish the whole serving. The slate is almost overflowing.”

That’s very kind of you. How did you hit on the idea of border collie sheep dogs for a border?

”Because they already have border as part of their name,” Mr Javid shrugged, “so it seemed a natural fit.”

They’re certainly highly intelligent and they’re good at organising chaotic herds.

”Exactly. It’ll be like watching re-runs of One Man and His Dog, as trucks are seamlessly selected and herded through the chokepoint. One by one by one. Or the whole ten mile tailback if necessary.”

They will also present a very welcoming face to visitors to the U.K.

Sajid paused, half pint of organic wheatgrass miracle mind soothing eraser tonic to his lips.

”Well, don’t print that, if Boris or Jeremy reads that it’ll be another magic fix on the trash heap.”

Okay. Noted. So when does training of the dogs begin?

”Training? I thought they’d know what to do on instinct? That’s how we govern now. What do you feel most strongly appeals to what you perceive to be your base. Do that.”

That explains a lot. Well, good luck with it. Make sure you ensure no one takes a tennis ball down to Dover once you’ve installed the border collies?

”Why not?”

Because you risk the border becoming distracted if anyone throws one.

”Why is that?”

You haven’t given this much thought, have you?

”You weren’t listening. They have border in their name. It’s perfect.”

Sajid Javid, thanks for lunch.

“No one will be able to say that after October 31st! Ha!”

World famous British stationery manufacturer Fumble and Fudge have been forced to issue a product recall of their Brexit pencils today after customers discovered that they’re pointless.

”Let’s be clear,” newsagent correspondent Green Searchlight said, “both the pencils and world famous Brexiters Fumble and Fudge are pointless.”

But can’t customers just sharpen the pencils? They maybe unhappy, but they’d still have a pencil.

”There’s no lead in the pencils either.”

Okay. Viagara?

”Now you’re just being silly,” Green admonished, “they are made out of badly compressed paper and not wood or hardened plastic. Even if you did find a Brexit pencil with lead in it, I wouldn’t try and use it.”

Surely the pencils were extensively tested before being released onto the British and European market?

”Daniel Hannan owns the factory, so what do you think?”

He got other people to test them out at their own risk?

”Correct. It didn’t go well, even without points. Everyone who was chosen to test was signed up to receive the Leave EU newsletter.”

Oh no.

”Yes. There were numerous blindings and some testers tried to clean the wax out of their ears, but managed to poke themselves in the eyes and keep poking.

And quite a few injuries that required discretion in accident and emergency.”

But they still released them onto the market?

”They expected to profit to the tune of £350M a week, regardless of how shoddy the product is.”

They aren’t I suppose.

”No. The personal injury claims alone are costing Fumble and Fudge that much.”

So what next?

”It’s hard to say at this point,” Green said, “the company has issued a profit warning but is adamant it will release its Brexit pencil sharpeners on time in spite of numerous testers cutting their noses off trying to sharpen pencils they’d first inserted into their nostril.”

It’s about time Fumble and Fudge were shut down before they do anymore harm.

“I’ve been following the company for a long time and I couldn’t agree more. Here, would you like to share some fudge?”

Who made that?

”Fudge, Fudge, Fudge and sons. They claim to have eliminated the ingredient that was causing the stomach ulcers.”

I think I’ll pass, but thanks all the same.

Marvin, the Paranoid Android, has been chosen to park trucks in Kent post Brexit and he’s not impressed.

“I think you ought to know I’m feeling very depressed,” Marvin told us while standing despondently by our water cooler, “When they called me into the prime minister’s office and told me what I would be doing for the next forty thousand years, well, I told them it won’t work.”

They didn’t listen to you?

“No one ever listens to me,” Marvin sighed, “I am at a rough estimate sixty billion times more intelligent than your prime minister. I explained this to her and she just gave me a non-disclosure agreement to sign. It was very depressing.”

But surely you take it as a compliment? It will take more than a genius to solve the border issues in Kent next year.

“You’re not listening either. Neither is your water cooler. I offered them an escape plan, but they just shrugged.”

What ideas did you offer the prime minister?

“A million ideas. Mostly they were about escape, for her. Staying on the path they’ve set for this country points to certain economic death.”

Maybe if you were a bit more upbeat?

“I’m going to spend the next forty thousand years parking trucks in Kent, how upbeat do you suggest I should be? I have a brain the size of a planet.”

What if we let you take our water cooler with you, to keep you company?

“You’re as mean as they are. It’s already ignoring me.”

When do you start work? Isn’t it good to have a purpose?

“I’m just trying to die.”

Oh Marvin. We’re sorry. Goodbye.

The Emperor’s New Clothes, a haberdashery store located near the Palace of Westminster, has had to put a sign up warning its best customers it’s running out of stock.

LCD Views clearly doesn’t have any staff who shop there, so we sent along a correspondent down to the corner of Westminster Green to talk to some customers.

”I’m visibly distressed,” T May told us, “I’ve been shopping here since mid 2016. I buy a new suit every week. I particularly like the up cycled anchor chains they sell as necklaces. They give you a real atmosphere of what it must have been like to be a big ship, the Titanic, for example.”

And she wasn’t the only worried regular.

”Trump’s tariff war means I need a whole new ensemble, again!” a little boy called Liam F told us, “I don’t know how I’ll get us a trade deal if I don’t have the right suit for selling British made goods to tyrants. You know, easy clean stuff, in case you tour a local government facility while visiting.”

There were others too, most notably a bouncing, bullish, blonde chap.

”Now look here, this is fandaggerrel unpatriotic,” Boorish B flamepangled, “I’ve been telling our closest friends and neighbours to go whistle. The map of glorious, never ending gobstopping Global Britain is all pink!

And now I need their help due to a pesky little nervy thing. I need the full Bullingdon kit out to impress Johnny Foreigner!”

It’s clearly a concern. We hope supplies can be swiftly restocked.

”I don’t actually sell them anything,” the proprietor whispered, “they’re all nude!”

Just then we noticed a man with a whiny little voice beseeching a customer service assistant to sell him a pair of boxing gloves.

”This scary sociopath type is threatening to put me in a glass box on his desk!”

It wasn’t going well for him.

”Oh do shut up and go away,” the staff member told him.

We suspect the store will restock soon enough, reality supplies the shop.

A man who crashed a lorry into a house while drunk says the owner of the three bed semi knew what to expect when he bought the property.

”The whole front of the house is staved in,” the unfortunate homeowner told LCD Views.

They were clearly doing their best to keep calm, as they paced about with glass from the shattered windows crunching under their shoes.

”When we agreed to move to this new build we were told it would be a lovely community and we’d sense the warmth of traditional values.

The house was supposed to have a conservatory and an en suite and under floor heating. It’s got asbestos wallpaper, which is not lickable and worst of all the plumbing backs up and spews back out over the floor.

None of our friends want to visit either except that crazy distant relative who has the hots for our Nan. It’s a bit off.”

So you’re not happy with the decision to move?

“Look at the state of my house?!!!”

They shouted, as the chimney breast collapsed in a puff.

”They tell us we can’t move back. But I had my mate Dom look at the deeds and he says they’re dodgy as. We’re going to sue.”

Just then the toilet, largely intact still, begun to gurgle.

”Do you hear that? It’s really weird. Whenever that toilet goes off that guy whose been UKIP leader ten times, and now spouts propaganda for someone on LBC, you can hear him doing his radio show whenever the sewerage overflows. It gives me the creeps. Listen.”

They were right.

There’s more too.

“The GP surgery has been sold to Virgin. Southern rail were given the rail service, so that never runs.

And people keep shoving notes written in caps through our letter slot shouting about forming a volunteer neighbourhood watch, and if we don’t agree to patrol the neighbourhood to keep undesirables called snowflakes out then we don’t deserve to eat.

Then another mob, in sandals, keep knocking on the door asking if we’ve heard about the saviour JC and tell us very bluntly if we don’t join with them it’s our fault people are homeless. It’s a bit much.”

But as to the identity of the drunk driver? Who broke their home and laughed?

”It’s the real estate agent who convinced us to sell up and move here in the first place!” the broken home owner fumed, “Figel Narage! Of Cremlin and Narage and Wanks estate agents.”

But what was he doing driving a lorry drunk in the middle of the night?

”Apparnetly he’d been on a bender at the Hate and Fudge and spotted one of his ex-wife’s there who went after him claiming he only married her to get a burgundy passport after Brexit, or something.”

We did speak to Mr Narage but he only gave one statement.

”They knew what they were moving for. I don’t care what it says on the adverts for the house. The deeds have done the job. Best to shred them now. Ha!”

He opened his trench coat and offered us a ‘real’ Rolex next. We declined.

“Anyway,” he went on, “It’s the will of the roads that sometimes houses get smashed apart by drunk con artists in lorries who just happened to have possibly made an absolute mountain of cash on the quiet convincing people to sell excellent homes and buy poorly built new builds without proper planning permission.

They had their eyes wide open. It’s their own fault. Although I’m happy to help arrange a bank transfer via the Crimea if they’d like help refinancing?”

We will pass that along.

“They need to knuckle down and get behind watching the rest of the house collapse so they can pay to rebuild it,” he added, “they knew they were going to be swimming in sewerage or they wouldn’t have agreed to move.”

That all makes sense now. Thank you.