Westminster village residents to hold fudge fights on ice as polar vortex bites

Great news for visitors from Europe to London, and outside of the capital, with the announcement that Westminster village idiots, we mean residents, are holding a week long “Brexit Fudge Fights On Ice” festival.

The impromptu celebration is to make best use of the polar vortex gripping the United Kingdom.

LCD Views sent its political sports correspondent along to experience the first day of the action as the Thames ices up.

“I’m standing here in sight of Big Ben, who does not appear to be looking at me, watching as the stalls and bandstands are set up on the slowly freezing Thames, alongside Westminster Palace,” Rosie Searchlight reported,

“I’ve have my skates on and I have a sense of wonder as I watch the teams from numerous political parties carry their fudge pucks out onto the ice, so they can engage in the new ritual of Brexit fudge fighting.”

It’s uncertain who is currently favourite to win the inaugural title of “Fudgebergers” for 2018, but the field is certainly competitive.

”The Conservafudgers have been the early table leaders, having overtaken the UKIPfukkers by way of an aggressive player and policy transfer strategy the moment the league turned professional.

But lately the Corbybergers have made running up the table with very clever use of the definite and indefinite article.”

It’s believed this strategy is either a genius new play that will have the opposition so baffled they will either have to reverse their previous winning game plan of ‘set fire to it all and watch it burn laughing’, or potentially find themselves in the relegation zone before the end of the season.

“Other potential problems for the Conservafudgers are rumours their owners, DUP.inc are considering cutting their losses, out of a concern that the new owners of the SFudgers may demand entry to the Brexit Fudge Fights.

The new managers of SFudgers can probably sell it to the local clubs that make up their league, across the Irish Sea, that it’s worth for a time, just to see the look on the faces of the other teams in the league. But people better versed in Irish leagues should be consulted before anyone places a large wager on that.”

This action on the ice will certainly warm up the hands and faces of the spectators gathered to watch.

“The only note of caution is to be sure you don’t get any of any team’s fudge puck in your mouth. Definitely don’t swallow if you do. Wash your mouth out immediately.

The Thames may have been cleaned up in recent years, but the pucks are composed of a recipe involving apple pie aspiration, nationalism, insanity and just, well, shit due to the fact that whoever tops the table at the end of the season will have to accept whatever cup the largest trade bloc on Earth decides to present it.”

Downing Street rocked by discovery EU officials can understand Brexit announcements made in English

Downing Street has been rocked today by the discovery EU officials can understand Brexit announcements made in English.

”Theresa May has requested the Cobra committee summoned to an emergency meeting at Downing Street,” Ben Bradley MP, head of Cobra told LCD Views.

”I was going to anyway, because after exposing Jeremy Corbyn as a spy chief the other day, I thought it’s time to set the ball rolling on the John McDonnell Soviet era Soviet hedge fund scandal, so I guess we’ll have more than one thing on the agenda.”

It’s believed the group have assembled at Downing Street, but have yet to discuss how to react to the alarming ramifications for the Brexit policy agenda.

”We’re waiting for the prime minister to get out of the toilet,” Ben explained, “this shock has set her bowels right off, I don’t mind telling you via twitter.”

Quite how the government will react to this ghastly surprise is anyone’s guess.

”I think we should hide for a while,” Ben Bradley MP advised, “we can lay low for a few days and then release about three hundred tweets in foreign  languages to confound the EU. French. German. Spanish. Italian. Finnish. They’ll be stumped if they only know English.”

Other suggestions are to use the discovery to our advantage in the unravelling negotiations.

”We can weaponise this,” Boris Johnson chimed in, “We can start shouting in RP. Just to make sure they really get the message now we’re aware the fumblestanglers have been swotting up on the mother tongue.”

At least we can be sure of getting answers that way.

”I think Jamie Oliver should take over,” Ben Bradley MP added, “punish him for being a remoaner. And, and this is the key bit of my strategy. He doesn’t have a twitter account and he only speaks in mockney.

There is not a snowflake’s chance Barnier and Tusk will cotton on to our porky pies if they’re served up with some lubbly jubbly.”

Good work Ben, let us know how Cobra gets on today, allegedly democracy needs libel and lies, oh, and retractions of libel and lies.

Nigel Farage to be deported to France after Brexit unless he changes his surname to Smith or Jones

As the Brexit negotiations continue to get ever more farcical, one new consequence has come to light, concerning the deportation of certain individuals with non-British names, including, ironically, part-time UKIP leader Nigel Farage.

Home Office spokeswoman Dee Portham had this to say on the matter:

“After Brexit goes ahead, we will be deporting certain individuals whose names are a bit foreign sounding, including Mr Farage, whose name is French.”

When asked for comment, Mr Farage spent an entire episode of Question Time calling it an outrage, peppering his descriptions with several choice words that it’s best not to repeat in polite conversation. We spoke to him after he’d calmed down a bit (but not a lot), and he said:

“It’s an outrage. It’s totally and utterly ridiculous. Deport me because my name isn’t British? Why, Nigel is as British as roast beef and football hooliganism!”

Unfortunately for him, his surname comes from the Huguenots of old France. That’s what the fuss is about.

“That’s ridiculous. Throw me out because of that? That was centuries ago! Why should I have to suffer for that? I can’t go and live in France, it’s full of foreign Johnnies.”

Well, foreign Jeannies in this case, but I wasn’t going to quibble.

The French government have also responded to this, with an official from the Ministry for the Interior, Didier Ever, making the statement:

“The people of France have no desire to grant residence to such a man as that. We do not want him getting too amicable with Marine Le Pen and breeding a new race of bigots.”

Mrs Portham has offered him a way to remain in the UK.

“He can always change his surname by deed poll to something more British sounding. He could change it to Farridge if he wants to keep the essence of his original name. Or he could change it to Smith or Jones or anything he chooses.”

Mr Farage was less than thrilled at the prospect.

“Change my surname? Are you joking? Why should I have to do that?”

As the only other way to avoid this would be to cancel Brexit, it looks like Mr Farage – or potentially Mr Farridge – has quite a decision to make.

Gateshead gathers as the Angel of the North begins journey to Brussels

In the light of a cold dawn this morning the Angel of the North began its first journey in twenty years, and one that has the residents of Gateshead at turns anxious and at twists enraged.

The noise of the busy A1 was temporarily drowned out by the sound of the Angel groaning as cranes lowered chains around its wings, klaxons sounded to keep spectators clear and a giant, mechanised bolt cutter sliced through the metal roots of the modern megalith as if they were butter.

“They got little statues over there, don’t they? Why the hell do they need to take our Angel as a hostage? What’s wrong with giving them Big Ben?”

This was just one of the many questions asked, as early bird motorists pulled onto the hard shoulder to watch the removal of The Angel of the North.

The move is a symbolic one that Westminster has high hopes for and has been planned in secret for months.

“By offering about the only useful thing the north has produced since it mismanaged its steel and coal industries in the 1980’s,” Jacob Rees-mogg MP for North East Somerset began, from a safe distance away, in North East Somerset,

“to Brussels for the remainder of the Brexit discussions, will, I believe show just how serious we are to trade away anything of worth in the regions of the United Kingdom, in order to make me even richer and more powerful. Set potentia ex chao.”

But the move has not been greeted with unalloyed enthusiasm in Gateshead.

“We weren’t even consulted,” another motorist said, “what if Brussels don’t give it back? We voted leave to bring back control, not to give away our jewels.”

This is of course why the residents of Gateshead weren’t consulted.

“In the normal course of events this move would have been subject to lengthy public consultation,” Jacob continued, “but these aren’t normal times. And I would suggest the good people of this country should adjust themselves to the notion of wise rulers making decisions on their behalf going forward, for quite some time. It actually makes me quite emotional, on a personal level, it’s beginning to feel like the Statute of Labourers was never undone.”

But what if the Brexit negotiations fail to reach agreement? What if Brussels refuses to return the Angel?

“That will best return full sovereignty to the people of Britain,” Jacob Rees-mogg MP advised, “it’s a small price for Gateshead to pay to empower Westminster. Now if you do not mind I’m going to watch the Angel of the North fly and about time it finally did too.

Plans to dynamite Arthur’s Seat are also underway.

Capto et popcorn.

May announces Tantric Brexit in which the moment of truth is delayed as long as possible

Theresa May has declared that the inevitable climax of Brexit is to be postponed for an indefinite period. This open-ended ‘transition period’ will, presumably, be strung out for as long as she can manage it. Westminster insiders are describing it as a Tantric Brexit.

In this scenario, the act of Brexit will, to an uncritical observer, continue unabated. However, the participants are actually working to ensure that they stay engaged for a much longer time than would normally be expected. The trick is to remain strong and stable during the entirety of the process.

LCD Views’ Inappropriate Innuendo correspondent spoke to insider Pat Mybottom. “Tantric Brexit means that the UK gets shafted for as long as possible,” she stated. “It’s more of a coming together than breaking up. We will maintain the deep and special relationship with the EU.”

What are the implications for the UK? Is this a good deal, or a bad deal?

“It’s a big deal, and that’s all that matters,” retorted Mybottom. “Tantric means Tantric. It’s a boy job and a girl job, and we are getting on the job… I mean, getting on with the job in hand. A job in the hand is worth two in the bush. Theresa May is very clear about this. Anything less would be a blow for the UK.”

We also spoke to Tantric expert Mr Sting, a much-loved popular musician. “Let me first quash rumours that I have re-recorded one of my greatest hits as ‘Can’t Stand Losing EU’,” he said. “Nor ‘Brexit In A Bottle’ or ‘Fields Of Wheat’. Although I may do so at some point in the future. Deferred gratification is very much my personal philosophy.”

But will the UK and the EU have a cigarette afterwards, or will the UK shamefully slink off home with its knickers in its handbag? Time will tell.

No Deal Brexit Guide : Using canned food as a weapon in self defence situations

Chuck Norris, MP for Hard, has thrown himself bodily into the debate over what the United Kingdom will look like after Brexit today, to everyone’s delight.

“It won’t be the United Kingdom anymore for starters,” Mr Norris said, “You can see it unravelling already, if you’re paying attention. I anticipate by 2025 the United Kingdom (formerly known as by then) will have devolved back to about the Anglo-Saxon era of warring kingdom. That will rock. I’m going to be a king in real life as well as the cinematic imagination.”

Mr Norris went on to say that he believed he needed to get involved in the debate because he could help people to prepare themselves for future conditions.

“There won’t be a lot of fresh food about, that’s a given. But there will be a lot of tinned food hidden away in homes. This is perfect for the cunning and agile and wantonly violent, when required.”

Mr Norris explains his thinking more fully in the latest update to the bestseller ‘Post Brexit Survival Guide : How to thrive in a Mad Max dystopian landscape”.

“You can use tinned goods as weapons,” He explains, “They aren’t just for eating, that is the last resort if you’re hunting party returns empty handed for several days.”

He says the best way to use a tin of baked bins initially is to listen for approaching strangers,

“Wait concealed around a corner. When they turn the corner, KAPOW!, sock it to them in the throat with a tin of tomato soup and you can take whatever they are holding. If you have twine you can tie their wrists while they are unconscious and you have a field worker for your desperate attempts to grow maize.”

And that’s not all.

“If the harvest is bad you can repeatedly beat the person you dislike the most in your community to death with only one tin, using the methods illustrated in this guide. The whole community can sacrifice them ritually in this way on the Aztec style altar you will have built by then with stone scavenged from the burnt out shell of Westminster. To be honest, I can’t wait. It’s making me a little hard, I don’t mind tell you. And I’m hard enough already.”

Mr Norris does ad one note of caution however.

“Stock up on can openers now. You need to be prepared. There won’t be any manufacturing to speak of after Brexit, so go to the shops right now and buy about five hundred. You can capture more from weaker people as you go. Good luck and good eating.”

Using canned food as a weapon in self defence situations

Chuck Norris, MP for Hard, has thrown himself bodily into the debate over what the United Kingdom will look like after Brexit today, to everyone’s delight.

“It won’t be the United Kingdom anymore for starters,” Mr Norris said, “You can see it unravelling already, if you’re paying attention. I anticipate by 2025 the United Kingdom (formerly known as by then) will have devolved back to about the Anglo-Saxon era of warring kingdom. That will rock. I’m going to be a king in real life as well as the cinematic imagination.”

Mr Norris went on to say that he believed he needed to get involved in the debate because he could help people to prepare themselves for future conditions.

“There won’t be a lot of fresh food about, that’s a given. But there will be a lot of tinned food hidden away in homes. This is perfect for the cunning and agile and wantonly violent, when required.”

Mr Norris explains his thinking more fully in the latest update to the bestseller ‘Post Brexit Survival Guide : How to thrive in a Mad Max dystopian landscape”.

“You can use tinned goods as weapons,” He explains, “They aren’t just for eating, that is the last resort if you’re hunting party returns empty handed for several days.”

He says the best way to use a tin of baked bins initially is to listen for approaching strangers,

“Wait concealed around a corner. When they turn the corner, KAPOW!, sock it to them in the throat with a tin of tomato soup and you can take whatever they are holding. If you have twine you can tie their wrists while they are unconscious and you have a field worker for your desperate attempts to grow maize.”

And that’s not all.

“If the harvest is bad you can repeatedly beat the person you dislike the most in your community to death with only one tin, using the methods illustrated in this guide. The whole community can sacrifice them ritually in this way on the Aztec style altar you will have built by then with stone scavenged from the burnt out shell of Westminster. To be honest, I can’t wait. It’s making me a little hard, I don’t mind tell you. And I’m hard enough already.”

Mr Norris does ad one note of caution however.

“Stock up on can openers now. You need to be prepared. There won’t be any manufacturing to speak of after Brexit, so go to the shops right now and buy about five hundred. You can capture more from weaker people as you go. Good luck and good eating.”

Economists for Brexit report advises U.K. shoot bird in its hand and set fire to its bush

A report released today by the visionary group known as Economists for Brexit advises the U.K. to shoot the bird in its hand and set fire to its bush.

”It’s vitally important the bird is shot while still in the hand, to get maximum benefit from hard Brexit,” Professor Mingeford (rumoured to have purchased his degree online) said, and then shivered.

“After we have shot the bird IN OUR HAND (more shivering) we will stuff its  shattered carcass into the hole we’ve shot through our palm. It will be important to use a large calibre gun, possibly even a small canon.”

The findings are revealed today in their latest report. To write it they got even higher than usual and strapped themselves into a chair, Clockwork Orange style.

”We watched so many tapes of exploding British made munitions I almost overdosed,” Mingeford continues, “and then the music, the music, the beautiful music of starving villagers wailing. Jesus wept. You have to take a hit from this misery bong.”

As to what to do after the United Kingdom has shot the bird in its hand?

”Well, with any luck, if we aim right and no traitor judges, journalists, elected representatives or young people get in the way of the bullet, we will have also shot oursevles clean through the foot.”

This sounds fantastic!

”Then we turn our attention to the bush with two birds in it.”

What do we do then?

”Douse it in gasoline and tory, tory torch it. Stand back laughing, watching our bush burn, get on the highway and head north.”

So this will flush the birds out?

”Who cares? Who really fffing cares? We just want to watch the world burn.”

LCD Views would like to say how thrilled we are that a group known for rubbishing forecasts it doesn’t like has produced a forecast of magic thinking we can all get behind.

”Are the lambs still screaming Clarice?” Mingeford wants to know, “or do we have to get our hands on a nice new flock and get our hands wet?”

Man with his head stuck up his backside insists everyone get behind him and push

A man with his own head stuck up his backside insists everyone get behind him and push, at least that’s what we think he said.

“It was a little hard to understand what he was saying,” LCD Views’ rectal-cranial analyst advised, “his statement was muffled. But the gist of it was about making the best of the situation.”

Inquiries into how the man came to find himself in such an unusual position were answered readily by his close family.

“One day, while sitting on a Southern train that was paused for three weeks outside of Clapham Junction station, he picked up a discarded Daily Mail to pass the time,” his wife shrugged, “he read it front to back, somehow, and he was never the same again.”

It’s believed that pivotal moment led to an increasing dislike of the European Union with a vicious fury about freedom for bananas.

“I voted remain in the last vote the United Kingdom will ever take,” his wife continued, “I read and saw all the claims of the Leave chancers and anything I didn’t have the immediate knowledge to reject out of hand as bollocks, I simply googled up and found was bollocks.”

The man himself was not so lucky.

“It’s been very strange to watch and quite sad,” the man’s wife continued, “I remember before the referendum he just wanted sovereignty back, you know, to trade with the world.

That seemed a little odd, given all the non-EU goods he buys, but anyway, the sovereignty one is particularly bizarre. I don’t know how he thinks FTA’s are regulated? I’m starting to think I married an idiot.”

But now that the man has his country back things are getting serious.

“When the crown of his head disappeared up his bum I was just impressed he was still so flexible. But now I can’t understand a damn thing he says, unless he farts at the same time and things, well, open up in a gust. You can catch a few words then.”

It seems the big problem now is getting his shoulders in behind his head.

“I really don’t know how he expects anyone to get behind him and push, I mean, it’s just so icky now.

Between you and me, I’m planning on moving out and not coming back unless he manages to get his head out of his backside.

But I’m a little worried only a surgical intervention will succeed and I can’t see him signing up for that now he’s committed to this. He’s pretty stubborn. He may even be slowly suffocating.”

We asked her to let us know how they get on.

“Oh don’t worry, you can find out, he spends all day on Open Britain, pro EU Libdem and Labour pages and Britain For All ranting about remoaners needing to get behind him and push. You’ll know how he’s getting on.”

Brexiter begins selling ‘Do-it-yourself lobotomy’ kits for use in the home

Great news for people who like traditional neurological surgery today with the announcement that Cat Hokey MP (UKIP) is to begin selling “Do-it-yourself lobotomy” kits for use in the home.

LCD Views’ Conscience correspondent went along to one of the rare surgeries held by Cat in her Allfall constituency office to learn more.

INT.          HOKEY’S SURGERY           NIGHT, ALWAYS NIGHT

A middle aged woman in a ragged coat hunches in the middle of a black tiled floor.

Burning torches flutter in the corners, driven hither and thither by an unseen wind, but the light rarely penetrates the darkness.

The woman, known as CAT (SCAT?) to mortals, holds a lit candle and is drawing a magic circle in the centre of the floor.

Another woman enters, young, go-getting reporter ROSIE SEARCHLIGHT.

ROSIE holds a silver cross in front of herself as she walks.

From the lump under her tight fitting, black leather jacket, it would be easy to believe she has a pistol on her hip. It would be easy to believe this show is on ITV.

CAT ignores ROSIE.

She waves the candle back and forth. She mutters in an ancient, unintelligible language, incanting as she draws her circle.

Rosie Searchlight

“Ms Hokey? Labour, I mean UKIP, representative for Allfall?”

CAT glances rapidly over her shoulder.

Cat

“Are you the gate keeper? Nigel has summoned the gate keeper. Are you the gate keeper? Answer me.”

Rosie Searchlight

What gate needs keeping?

Cat

“Nigel, my master, he is the key master. He must have the gate or he can not de-stablise the peace.”

Rosie Searchlight

“I’m here to learn about your do-it-yourself lobotomy kits? We’re featuring them in the afternoon edition of LCD Views? Home Medicine. It’s a new weekly feature.”

CAT begins to levitate above the tiles. She flies at ROSIE, but recoils from the cross.

Cat

“Hiss! Hiss! Take a lobotomy pack and get out! Go home child of man and carve out your temples.”

ROSIE SEARCHLIGHT advances towards CAT. She holds the cross in front of her. Her other hand on the lump on her hip.

Rosie Searchlight

“Not until you tell me the recommended retail price for the lobotomy kits.”

ROSIE crosses through the circle on the floor.

She continues towards CAT who is desperately trying not to singe her hair on a torch in the corner.

Cat

“Back away! I’ve just had my hair done to go boating with the dark lord Furherage!”

ROSIE is undaunted. She steps in closer.

She doesn’t see that behind her, out of the circle she has just left, a dark shadow is gathering with a pint in its hand and a cigarette in its mouth. The shadow has wings and they are spreading.

END SCENE