Category: Brexit

LCD Views can report that a long running study into the correlation between Brexit and liberal attitudes has concluded the only thing Brexiters are liberal with is the truth.

“We’ve copped a lot of flack for using sparse public resources on this study,” Professor Dingleberry, lead researcher said, “but until we completed our study it was just a hypothesis. Now it’s a theory, in the scientific meaning of the word.”

The study, which began in early 2016 (about the time David Cameron started daydreaming while watching repeats of “Minder”, imagining what kind of shed he would like to spend his time in) concluded today after the third ‘Road to Ruin’ speech by a minister from May’s government.

(It should be noted that the writing of this report paused for over ten minutes to allow the reporter to stop laughing at the phrase ‘May’s government’)

“David Davis provided the final spec of evidence required to finish our study,” Professor Dingleberry continued, “when he said that Brexit won’t change the nature of the United Kingdom, boy, there wasn’t a dry seat in our laboratory. Everyone just pissed themselves laughing.”

It seems, although searching exhaustively, the researchers were not able to identify a single moment when a Brexit proponent, MP or voter, actually told something truthful.

“They are very liberal in a sense,” the professor goes on,

“but only in the sense that they lie their asses off constantly.

Their plans for post Brexit Britain, best as we can understand them right now in the split second after the pin has been pulled from the grenade, best equate to drowning in a torrent of lies so thick and sludgy only the infirm or insane will stay on this island nation.”

The professor did offer some hope though for people wanting the hard right coup of our democracy to fall on its arse sometime this year.

“They aren’t even correct in saying the United Kingdom is leaving the European Union,” he adds, “it’s highly probable that over the coming months, as more and more people understand the road to Brexit is a road to ruin, public opinion will force a rethink.”

LCD Views encourages people to take up the results of the study. Recognise that allowing parliament to tear up so many rights won by citizens over so many years of struggle, is the least liberal path open to the United Kingdom possible.

Famous British actor Keanu Reeves is rumoured to have pulled out of filming Speed 3: Hard Brexit “The hostage who refuses to negotiate”, citing lack of an agreed script and not wanting to star in a farce.

LCD Views’ ‘democracy is entertainment’ correspondent spoke to Mr Reeves’ agent to learn more about his reasons.

”Canoe doesn’t want to do a period drama where you have to improvise your lines darlinnnnnnng,” Chevy Chase said.

”When he agreed to reprise his role as tough hostage negotiator Jack Kerouac alongside Anna Soubry, he was told the screenplay was so tight you could drink it neat.

He wasn’t told he would be playing an abstract concept called the Single Market.”

But if onset rumours are accurate there is still daily improvisation of the script and constant writing of new lines.

”It’s a very confused plot too,” Chevy went on, “Kanu is supposed to be negotiating the release of nearly 70M people from the grips of an evil mastermind, someone guy called Barnier, but he doesn’t have a cat and the mastermind is okay with everyone going because he’ll eventually get all their wealth afterwards.

But the leader of the hostages is demanding the super villain keeps them for longer because they don’t know what they’ll do when they get out. It’s a bit silly.

He says his character has always been a straight role, but Speed 3 : Hard Brexit is a farce.

I don’t really want him wasting his time for only £200M a week when I’ve got him the role of a space sloth toy figurine in the next Star Wars.”

In spite of the abrupt withdrawal of the star,  the production is expected to just keep filming.

”Its a massive tax scam, that’s what I think,” Chevy opined, “I cant see why else you’d be sinking billions into a movie with no script, a clueless director and a story line that sucks the reason for being alive out of over half its audeince.”

If they do get Hard Brexit in the can it’s expected to be released by March 2019, but it’s just as likely the film’s backers will decide to flush it.

A severe weather warning about the inherent danger of Jacob Rees-fog has been issued for Somerset and parts of central London.

”It’s a type of poison fog,” Fichael Mish, meteorologist with the University of Democratic weather, told LCD Views.

”We believe it results from voting patterns in North East Somerset in recent years, but it has spread about the English countryside since 2016 and now is liable to cloud vision in any area of the country, but most notably in Westminster and anywhere the future of the U.K. is being discussed.”

The fog appears to rise and sink away intermittently.

”It’s normally accompanied by some half baked conspiracy to malign a democratic institution like the civil service or judiciary, which backfires, and then the fog dissipates for a period while the underlying causes draws in energy from the macro weather systems. It’s especially dangerous if you’re navigating across the English Channel.”

It’s warned that attempting to navigate in an episode of Jacob Rees-fog is potentially hazardous to your mind.

”The safest form of travel, if you find yourself in the fog, is anything popular before the invention of the internal combustion engine, coach, horse and cart.

But not hot air balloon as that’s a French thing and Rees-fog seems to attack the material made to use lighter than air machines. It seems to get almost malignant if you try and rise above it. It wants you below.”

Yes, what about those silly people who believe it has a supernatural cause and not a natural one?

”You’re talking about the new measures being introduced by the EU in 2019 to clamp down on tax avoidance as a result of the revelations in the Paradise and Panama Papers?”

Yes. It seems the fog is related to Brexit weather patterns? According to some experts.

”Total rot.

How could the neocon ideological drive to undermine the ability to clamp down on massive tax evasion by withdrawing England (no one is thinking about the rest of the nations of course) from the scrutiny inherent in treaties and union involving twenty seven other democracies have anything to do with an “emerging market” capitalist shrouding the land in olde world styled, vision obscuring fog?” 

LCD Views interviewed shadow minister for fence sitting, C Ynical, earlier today and he revealed that for the official opposition achieving Lexit is more important than the NHS.

“No one will suffer once we have a government led by a man whose initials are the same as a famous religious figure,

“Although that in no way explains the sometimes kipper like love of denigration of opponents found in the social media posts of his worshippers. I mean, um, the membership of the party that belong to a militant, sectarian movement that has currently seized surface control of the party.”

They’re building a movement. Be patient. What’s the NHS or universal credit or looking like absolute asshats internationally compared to that?

“Lexit has been our long held goal since the 1970’s. You know the 1970’s? We had blue passports then. Blue passports will be the first tangible success of Lexit.”

When questioned if the official opposition shouldn’t oppose Brexit in order to tear a pack of reckless, greed driven, right wing idiots out of Downing Street, and by doing so, save the economy of tomorrow and the NHS, which media reports state is now so under resourced people are dying prematurely in corridors, the spokesman was adamant.

“Lexit is way more important. Jesus Christ comrade! You’re in danger of being first to the re-education camps with questions like that. I’m beginning to suspect you’re a class traitor Blairite. And we all know there is nothing, nothing worse than that.”

So it looks like the future for the NHS is pretty dicey.

The party that is busily running it down and privatising it is safe in government because the party that could tear them down wants them there to achieve Lexit.

Who’s to blame? Must be the ones stuck in the middle. Yeah. That’s who.

The problem of the nature of the Northern Irish border with the Republic could be the rock on which Brexit founders. Until now. The solution is so simple and obvious a child could have thought of it. Everyone will simply do the hokey cokey.

“In? Out? Shake it all about!” exclaimed ‘Brexpert’ Abby Surdity. “It’s both and neither. The hokey cokey captures the paradox perfectly. Plus it sounds like something Boris Johnson would say.”

A hard border and frictionless trade? No longer a problem. You just put your left leg in, then put your left leg out again. Do the hokey cokey and turn around. Sorted.

Surdity goes on to reveal the source of the idea. “It was David Davis’s great-niece, Celia Deal. She’s only six, bless her.”

The Irish are delighted. “This is a solution we can all agree upon, to be sure,” said Republican spokesmick Paddy O’Fepicproportions. “Hokey cokey means a nod and a wink, turning a blind eye, and Guinness all round. Winner!”

Ulster is pleased, too. “First there is a border, then there is no border, then there is,” sang spokespaddy Donna Vann. “Do the hokey cokey and turn around. Everybody’s happy!”

“A nonsense rhyme is the perfect solution,” confirms Surdity. “A nonsense rhyme for a nonsense problem caused by a nonsense policy.”

Just as a Brexpert is a nonsense term for a nonsense position.

“The border is solid when we say so, and nonexistent at need,” claimed an unusually lucid mouthpiece for the DExEU. “Hokey means hokey, and red, white & blue means black & white. Our job is to shake it all about.”

So next time you see Irish people doing cross border trade by putting their whole selves in and out, shaking it all about, doing some undefined hand gestures and turning around, they are not auditioning for the Freemasons but simply being British.

That’s what it’s all about.

Brexit Dad Figel Narage celebrated his unlikely success with his closest friends. In keeping with his world of bots, botcoms and botcoins, the party was held online.

Figel’s friends included a number whose profiles were strangely scanty, but whose activity on political sites was strong. Notable was “Alise Feild”, who spends her time posting variations on “we won, get over it, losers” on discussion pages.

“Alise talks a lot of sense,” said Narage, posting another champagne bottle on her wall. “She helped me get where I am today!”

But where is Brexit Dad, exactly?

“There has been a lot of talk about bots recently,” he explained. “Artificial intelligence. Helping to explain the political landscape of Brexit. After all, we are going to build a road across it!”

What has that got to do with you, though?

“I got into bots as soon as Brexit was proposed,” he said. “Met this nice chap called Vladimir, who suggested that I head up the English side of things. So I founded some botcom companies, pressed the big red button and the whole kaboosh went viral.”

We never knew you were so tech-savvy.

“Well, my daughter Figella helped me a bit,” he admitted. “She connected everything up to Facepamphlet, Snapgossip and Twittalk, and showed me how to create a realistic profile. You know, the donkey work. With Vladimir’s basic algorithm, it just took off!”

We assume that you earned money for all this work?

“Oh yes, of course!” he exclaimed. “I barely have enough to get by on as it is. Now I get paid in this new cybercurrency called botcoin. Everybody is into it these days. And it’s completely crash-proof!”

How much botcoin are you earning?

“Loads! In fact, I’m now a botcoin millionaire!” he boasted. “I’m the first ever! Brexit means botcoin!”

We left Figel to his virtual piss-up. Unfortunately for him, they don’t accept payment in botcoin at Sainsbury’s.

British fisheries will thrive again once fish lose freedom of movement after Britain leaves the tyrannical snare of the EU, a report from the think tank ‘Fish are British’ revealed today.

“This is a great finding,” Mr K. Remlin told LCD Views’ oceanographer.

”All our research indicates that fish spend the majority of their time in waters where they feel most akin to the national identity of the sovereign nation which owns the water.

Given that the water can not leave the territory without permission from the elected representatives of the country, well, the fish can’t leave either. Unless the water is ruled from Brussels.”

Although only recently established, ‘Fish are British’ already has a social media army capable of sharing and tweeting thousands of posts a day and can be believed when it claims its funding is completely legitimate.

”We promote British fishing interests with the same dedication and commitment that national hero Nigel Farage has as a member of the EU fish thingy.

And we can tell you that anything you may have read about territorial waters and who fishes where, fish conservation, factory owners moving to EU27 territories and the lack of desirability of each nation unilaterally deciding what to do with a shared resource is just remoaner moaning.

Thus starting a race to catch as much of a finite resource as possible, will definitely lead to a resurgence of fishing that will make the golden era of whaling seem distant.”

So that’s all reassuring.

”When we double down on removing the right of water to move out of our territory without permission, with also taking away the right to freedom of movement of our fish, we can only envisage a thriving fishing industry for post Brexit Britain.

At least until all the fish run out.”

LCD Views promotes the definitely independent research of ‘Fish are British’ and confirm that whatever advice Mr K. Remlin bots tweet 100,000’s of times on the subject is the Brexit catch of the day.

LCD Views can report with a swollen breast and a justified sense of pride that our grassroots campaign “Sponsor a Leaver to Remain for only 58p a week” has raised £350M in the first first week.

“It’s the simple way to untangle the knot of Brexit,” campaign organiser Mr O. Intern said, “we just pay off the Brexiters.”

It’s such a simple solution it should have been put into action on the 24th June 2016, when the red bus exhaust was still settling across the land.

“I was actually pushing to make it a round 60p a week, indexed to rise with inflation, but our accountant suggested if Brexit happens people sponsoring leavers could find themselves paying five pounds a week in a year or two.

They’ll need that money to buy ‘brexit zombie away’ powders or maybe spears? We’re not sure how it’ll play out after the food riots.”

The £350M raised is even more impressive given we failed to get smaller MSM organisations to pick up and run with our message.

“It was easier than I thought to raise the money,” Mr Intern continued, while making coffee for the chief editor at LCD, “given how much of the Brexit campaign was focused on the membership fee, and how very small that fee is relative to gain, we found even cash strapped remain voters were willing to dig under the sofa cushions.

Most sofas that have seen any length of service can pay for an entire leave family to remain.”

The campaign is to continue to run until such a point as Brexit fails or the money is pooled to charter ships to ferry remain voters across the channel to refuge before the EU finish building the wall around Britain that is planned to control the contagion.

“If you want to help a leaver today it’s only 58p away!” Mr Intern adds, before responding to the bellows from the editorial office and running off to deliver the coffee.

‘What happens in Chequers stays in Chequers’ Boris Johnson is to remind the Conservative party cabinet ahead of the coming weekend away at Chequers.

LCD Views spoke to little seen cabinet member Philip Hammond about expectations ahead of the weekend away at the country pile.

“It’s great,” Mr Hammond said, “Do you know how long it is since I’ve seen daylight? Have I got a beard? I haven’t seen my reflection since late 2017.

And they broke my calculator months ago. Then they found my abacus and smashed that too. ”

Mr Hammond rambled on for some time, explaining how he’s been doing longhand sums with a hidden marker on his thigh.

“But it’s so hot down in the ‘hole’ with all the heating pipes running through. I perspire.

None of my sums stay legible after my hourly lecture from Redwood.

He threatens to beat me with an old phonebook. He says sorry and pretends to swing it. I just put my hands over my head and plan what I’ll do when I escape.

George Osborne got a note to me in my gruel last week telling me he will help me ‘chop them all up and put them in his freezer’. That’s pretty sweet of him considering I got his old job.”

Apparently Mr Hammond’s chief error though is putting minuses in front of Brexit forecasts. But he says he can’t help it. It’s how the sums come out.

“You don’t think Boris will organise a tiger in a bath tub do you? I reckon he could sneak one in to Chequers if he wanted. He’s such a big kid.”

We can’t say. We recommend you worry about getting out of Chequers in one piece.

“I don’t know why we aren’t flying to Amsterdam or Bangkok. That’s the best place to go to get your rocks off, just ask Boris.

Apparently he mentioned it as a joke when giving a big speech about the future of the UK and Brexit.

But it’s deadly serious. British men have to have cheap airfares to cheap sex after Brexit or we’re doomed as a trading nation.”

But what’s the most important thing to remember about the coming bash?

“What happens in Chequers, stays in Chequers,” Mr Hammond nods vigorously,

“Especially if we answer any Brexit related questions. No one is allowed to find out.”

We’re just happy they’re letting him out to play for a day, it’s almost like the country doesn’t have a chancellor anymore, which is a little odd.

“Why aren’t we flying to Vegas for the team building exercise if airfares are still so cheap?”

I’d just worry about keeping out of the cellar Phil because what happens in Chequers, stays in Chequers.

There’s encouraging news today that a man is almost finished putting a cart before a horse.

”I just need a little bit longer,” the man reveals, “I haven’t quite got the cart where I want it, but if I keep my shoulder to the wheel I believe I will get up sufficient momentum.”

The cart itself is a classic design, being made of wood felled with a worker’s hands and polished by a social media savvy collection of ageing revolutionaries.

They have successfully tapped into the justified anger caused by years of austerity following a banking crisis where all the crooks got away with it.

But they show little ability to convert this power into humane governance before their opportunity evaporates. We shall know soon.

But let’s be clear, this is not because they’re a gaggle of trots more concerned with sectarian infighting than overturning a vicious neocon, inherently racist government, that any sane evaluation of says, forget Lexit, use Brexit and get this shower out before they kill people.

The man with the cart is facing increasing criticism of this kind from class traitors.

“He would do better to just walk the horse around the cart and strap it to the front and get going,” comments a chap who may get trolled for days as a result of this article and will certainty lose some twitter followers.

”To achieve true change takes time.” the man and his committed supporters retort,

“we need the financial crisis Donald Trump will cause once he achieves his aim of stacking the fed with floosies who will artificially devalue the dollar to start a currency and trade war with China.

That calamity and its global implications, combined with the catastrophic result of the ruling Tories hard Brexit, will hopefully lead to mass defaults on mortgages and create the conditions for overturning of the apple cart that will lead to some bruised apples, but make me king.

You know the old saying, you can’t make apple crumble without both the poor and the well intentioned, but misguided, comfortable middle classes all eating out of burning bins.”

We asked the horse for comment and he replied,

”My name is Brexit. I am a gift horse. If this man doesn’t stop looking in my mouth I’m going to run away across the fields leaving him to drag his friggin’ cart on his own. Try building a movement then.”

For our part we would like to remind everyone,

True democratic power derives from  a vote by the masses electing a representative parliament and not from some farcical aquatic ceremony involving a big red bus.