Britannia rules the second wave, bellows patriot

BEHIND THE MASK: We didn’t need masks when Britain was Great, says the UK’s leading patriot. Britannia rules the waves, and will now rule the second wave.

“Yeah, we don’t need you and your snowflakey European rules, Mr Guy Ver-whatsisname,” thundered Nigel Farage. “Britons never, never, never shall be slaves to your cosy single market and your undemocratic customs union! We had an empire once, you know!”

Farage swelled like the pathetic puffed-up popinjay he is.

“We want – no, demand – our country back!” he continued, warming to his theme. “We don’t want namby-pamby face masks, it’s a little virus not bloody nerve gas! We never had covid in the good old days, when you could go to the pub, smoke 40 full strength untipped ciggies, drink a skinful, and drive home to claim your conjugal rights!”

The virus threat was pooh-poohed by the boo boo in the doo doo.

“It’s just a sniffle!” he coughed, repeatedly. “This talk of a second wave is extremely tasteless. I can’t taste anything! They kick up a stink yet I don’t smell anything! It’s time to ditch the mask! I’m spreading the virus… I mean the news… Anyone got any cough medicine?”

After all, Nigel Farage and Brexit are all about deeply misplaced nostalgia. “We want a Britain before safety matches, safety belts, safety everything. No more nanny state! Open fires, dodgy wiring, home brew made from dandelions! That’s the Britain we want back!”

The good old days. That’s what they want back. Warm beer, matrons cycling home from evensong. Women murdering husbands with frozen legs of lamb, and serving it up to the coppers afterwards. PC gone mad? The only PC they want is the bobby on the beat. Until Boris Johnson and his chums sacked them all.

Rule, Britannia? With a world beating second wave hotly anticipated, Britons would rather die horribly than be slaves to anyone trying to do them a favour.

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