IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT HERE GO AND LIVE SOMEWHERE ELSE : The Royal Navy has been ordered today to work with Britain’s world beating fishing fleet and track down a treasonous fish.
The fish, believed to be a three year old cod called Todd, committed high treason when filling out the Census 2021. In the boxes regarding nationality it wrote “Citizen of the World” and in the ethnic group it wrote “European”, sparking a crisis within the Home Office.
“Priti Patel is liaising with both the MOD and Environmental Secretary Useless to launch a manhunt. It is hoped they capture the fish before it corrupts the entirety of British fish stock,” a Home Office source told LCD Views.
The nationality of fish has been a subject of heavy focus under the Johnson government, even while over 130,000 people have died during the pandemic.
“We need to interrogate Todd and discover who put him up to this,” the Home Office source continued. “The happiness of British fish is at stake and thus the entire nation.”
No action has been ruled out to track down Todd with LCD Views understanding that the government has not ruled out using Trident in a “carpark” strategy to destroy all life in the English Channel. If Todd can’t be captured and forced to recant than it is felt the next best step is to “sterilise the environment with nuclear energy”.
LCD Views appeals for anyone who may know Todd’s location to come forward and aid in a swift resolution of today’s national crisis.
“If you know the safe house Todd is staying at you can phone the police anonymously on a premium rate phone number which will shortly be released,” our source adds. “It is vital that Todd be stopped before another fish does something unrecoverable such as write French on the census.”
It is further believed that the Secretary of State for Fish Nationalism, John Redwood, has not been informed of the situation as no one wants to risk “him collapsing into a coma from the shock.”