C of E ordered to resume trial by ordeal as all UK lawyers now work on Brexit

The Home Office issued an executive order this morning commanding the Church of England to resume trial by ordeal for all criminal and civil cases in the United Kingdom.

LCD Views was quick to confront Amber Rudd on the matter and demand to know why centuries of separation of church and state powers had been demolished with an edict.

“It was Jacob’s [Rees-mogg] idea,” the Home Secretary replied, “and David [Lidontin – Lord Chancellor] backed him up, What was I supposed to do? Start a civil war within the party? We’ve enough of those going on as it is.”

The order is effective immediately and further surprise has been caused by the Church of England’s ready acceptance of the proposal.

“We’re back in business!” a representative told LCD. “Things were looking a little dicey there, but hauling sinners over the coals and demanding confession and sitting in judgement, well, it’s a little bit papist, a bit old school, but someone has to do it now all the lawyers and judges are working on Brexit. And what can you expect from Jacob? He is probably right cheesed we’ve got the job.”

And early indications are the people appearing before the vicar to settle a dispute will in reality be hauled over coals.

We next spoke to Brian McBrain, a shopfitter from Chelmsford, who was in court, or church, this morning to face a drunk driving charge.

“The padre said I had a choice of walking over the coals or being dragged,” he confessed, “and the extent of my burns would determine how many points I got given and if I’d face a driving ban or not? I said, I did it, can’t you just punish me and forget the fire?”

McBrain was apparently told the warden hadn’t spent all morning setting up the braziers for nothing and to make his choice.

“So I legged it while I could!” Brian admitted. “I’m not getting dragged over no burning coals just for driving my lorry into a closed Lidl after a few jars.”

This was a poor choice on McBrain’s part. A warrant for his arrest has now been issued by the vicar of his local parish and the organising committee for the Christmas nativity charged with his apprehension.

“Now I’ve absconded I’ve to face the Archbishop of Canterbury. He’ll probably talk me to death. That would be an ordeal! You couldn’t give me a lift to the train station, could you? I can’t hang about.”

We said yes and drove him straight to the Lambeth Palace and into the custody of a rather troubled looking Justin Welby.

Justice will be done, in this world, or the next.

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