Call me a bully, and me and my mates will beat you up, says Priti Patel

Pick on someone your own size! Bullying is Priti appalling, and our leaders should set a good example and at least pretend not to do it.

Our revered Send ‘Em Home Secretary is at the forefront of this initiative. She intends to literally stamp out bullying by sending the boys round to anyone who accuses her of being a bully.

“It’s the only language these people understand,” explained Patel in her Home Office dungeon, the light glinting off her PVC dominatrix outfit. “Throwing accusations around doesn’t help anybody, least of all me.”

She tapped the baseball bat against her palm in a gentle, yet unmistakeably threatening manner.

“My loyal task force are ready to rebut any allegations, however truthful,” she smirked, fondling the selection of whips at her whip hand. “Their motto is, use as much task force as necessary.”

How do you respond to reports that you personally have insulted and belittled your staff, so much so that they became suicidal?

“These people need to be taught a lesson!* she growled, her eyes flashing dangerously. “Spot! Fido! Heel!”

Two men crawled out of the shadows and knelt obediently at her stillettoed feet.

“You heard!” she commanded. “Find them! Bring them to me! Succeed, and you may have some scraps from my table. Go!”

She advanced, menacingly. “Nobody badmouths Priti Patel without suffering the consequences,” she hissed. “It doesn’t matter whether they are an environment ministry drone or a puffed-up bureaucrat. Me and my mates will, erm, persuade them never to do it again. And some of my goons, I mean friends, are very persuasive indeed.”

She casually fondled a knuckleduster. “Don’t you dare quote me on that!” she whispered with barely concealed malice. “Now, hand over all your devices and rhdhgwabjhgsCHTSb….”

LCD Views’ Behind The Bike Sheds correspondent has not been seen for several days now.

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