ALL FOR ONE, AND ONE FOR ALL: Disgraced former Prime Minister and (allegedly) current pig fancier “Dodgy” David Cameron is under investigation. To ensure that the correct conclusion is reached, an old corrupt crony of Cameron’s is to compile the report.
The conclusion is the tricky part. Does the government wish to exonerate one of its own; or does it wish to throw Cameron to the Fleet Street lions in a blame shifting dead cat manoeuvre? Either way, the evidence will be found to support whichever conclusion is chosen.
To this end, the report will be produced by a man who is (also allegedly) up to his neck in the same filth, Sir Fitt O’Spondoolix. It takes a crook to catch a crook, as the saying goes these days in Westminster.
Or indeed to find a crook completely innocent and deserving of a 40% pay rise.
Either way, Cameron is reported to be cowering in his shed, writing the latest volume of his memoirs (David Cameron: The Nick Clegg Years).
Regular Westminster watcher Phil Inderblancs was willing to speculate wildly. “It’s clear a crime has been committed,” he guessed. “That’s why there’s going to be a report. But think about this. What’s the crime?”
Inderblancs paused for effect, sipping from an inter-lockdown pint.
“Is it corruption? No way,” he said confidently. “That goes on all the time, and they are all in on it. It’s not cronyism for the same reason. No, the problem here is that old Dodgy slipped up and got found out.”
Another meaningful sip of freedom.
“So they will either throw Dodgy Dave under the bus, or sweep the whole lot under the carpet,” he concluded. “Ultimately Dave is one of the lads, so as soon as the whitewash comes out, they will be in the market for a very large Axminster and some expensive brooms.”
Nothing to see here. Nothing at all. Time to move on.