China agrees to hand back Hong Kong in return for the Isle of Wight

China recently passed a controversial security law for the former UK colony. President Trump, as part of his ongoing trade war and general paranoia, has urged Britain to apply pressure to China and protect its former colony.

The UK government recently formed the Special China Action Group or SCAG (kicking kuh). It is thought the group name was chosen to invoke memories of the highly profitable trade Britain had with China in the 19th century.

This morning Boris Johnson announced that the government has found a solution to the problem of Hong Kong. Boris made the announcement from Redwalls End, a small coastal village, in a constituency which swung heavily to the Tories at the last election. He also promised a £108M grant for a new Working Men’s Club and Fish Wives Institute. 

“I can announce today that the UK has resolved the issue on a permanent basis,” he wibbled. “The UK will take back Hong Kong and have full control over all laws, without any further interference from China. In return the UK will cede power over the Isle of Wight to China!”

When asked how this will affect the Isle of Wight, Boris replied “I cannot answer any questions regarding the Isle of Wight because, quite frankly I haven’t a clue where it is or what the Chinese will do,” and added “representatives from the IoW were on SCAG and fully involved in the decision.”

Later in the day the following statements were made with regard to the issue.

The Attorney General reassured IoW residents, by saying “Any security laws the Chinese put in force will not affect the residents. The current UK laws are just as ambiguous, secretive and carry a life sentence in certain circumstances.

A spokesman for the Dept. of Transport said “Travel to and from the island will not be affected, in fact the Chinese are keen on doing something to speed up the crossing, but we will cross that air bridge when we come to it”.

The DWP issued the following statement: “All residents will benefit from this arrangement due to the unusual demographics of the island. The elderly will benefit because Chinese culture has always stressed respect toward elders. People of working age and the young will benefit from Improved employment prospects. The Chinese have promised to open Europe’s largest takeaway, which should become a major tourist attraction and being famous for their fireworks, said they will open a new factory to build medium range rockets. The remaining residents who live in caravans for 11 months a year, will not be affected as the Chinese do not charge council tax.”

A local marine engineer said he had already been approached by Just Eat and Deliveroo, regarding Jet Ski’s for food delivery to the mainland.

A Sandbanks resident and ex footballer, who likes a pint and tax avoidance, hoped the Chinese would open a duty-free wet market.

A local councillor stated that he was impressed by the Chinese proposals and negotiations had gone smoothly. Although he did admit when it came to the most important issue, the IoW’s continued access to Britain in Bloom, things had got a little difficult.

It later came to light that the Isle of Man had also been under consideration alongside the IoW. A spokesman for The Isle of Man authorities made the following statement: “The Chinese are obsessively secretive; we did not want them to decrease the openness and transparency of our financial system. We consulted widely on this decision, and all of the 67 billionaires and 241 multi-millionaires involved were unanimous that the IoW was more suitable. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have an order for a Caribbean island to attend to.”

Unfounded rumour suggests that he was three legs to the wind at the time.

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