LCD can reveal today that a local community group is increasingly under suspicion for failing to organise a well publicised piss up in a nearby brewery, just so the organisers can drink all the beer themselves.
“It’s obvious to me,” Mr Conned Citizan told LCD Views, “You simply can’t be as bad at organising something as that mob are unless you want the party not to happen in the first place.”
So does Mr Citizan expect the event to be called off?
“We’ve all bought a ticket, whether or not we wanted to,” he replied, “The local council agreed to part fund the piss up with our council tax, which many of us protested against, but they argued it’s in the interest of the entire community to come and get blathered, fall out with each other, fight, get arrested, appear in court, get discharged on a community order and call in relationship counsellors to force us all to make up after. So we all got a ticket.”
The organising committee itself said they are “straining every sinew, putting every tiger in every tank, and we are confident that the piss up will happen at the brewery on the advertised date and everyone will have a fantastic time.”
But Mr Citizan isn’t buying it.
“You know they’ve already asked the council for another sub? And the council has handed the money over. I only just found out that the guy who does the finances at the local authority is the cousin of one of the organisers of the piss up. It’s blatant corruption.”
There does seem to be reasonable grounds for suspicion. LCD Views have studied the charter of the community organisation responsible for the event and found that every single rule in the charter ends with the statement, “we get a free bar and we get to decide who drinks at said free bar”.
For balance, we spoke to a local figure, who was initially reluctant to support the event on the grounds of being a lifelong teetoller, but who seems recently to have had a charge of heart.
“I want the piss up to go ahead,” Mr Temperance stated, “I want them all to make themselves violently ill on as much beer as they can manage, vomit all over the shop, and swear off drink for life. It’s the only way they’ll come around to my way of seeing things.”
The organising committee are nonplussed, recently commenting,
“There is absolutely no way any invitations to the piss up won’t be honoured on the day and we have absolutely no intention of turning the event into a lock-in session for ourselves to get as pissed as we like while the rest of the community stands locked outside parched.”
Well, if you can’t trust their word, what can you trust? Bottoms up!