Contract to produce care worker badges awarded to Dyson

Suck it up! The new care worker badges are to be produced by offshore brexity British power vacuum manufacturer Dyson.

“This is a huge development,” announced Bad Health Secretary Matt Hancock. “This futile empty gesture will cost a lot of money and be almost completely ineffective. But it gives the impression that we care, and that’s what is really at stake here.”

We wondered if funding care workers directly might be a better solution.

“Of course it would be much more efficient to increase their pay and provide PPE, but don’t forget that these people are low paid, and therefore unskilled and of little worth,” Hancock scolded. “A pay rise is tantamount to socialism by the back door, and that cannot be allowed to happen.”

Why ask Dyson to make them, asked one reporter before their microphone was cynically turned off.

“Dyson makes things,” observed Hancock sagely. “He’s the only person on our approved list of donors and cronies who actually makes things. It was a no-brainer!”

There was delight among the hard pressed, vulnerable care worker community, as you can imagine.

“This is the best news I’ve had in ages!” said Hattie Tinfoil, in between persistent coughs. “I heard that these magic badges also protect against 5G, you know, 5G beams the virus straight into your bloodstream, it’s Chinese innit, I won’t eat chow mein any more, let me tell you now!”

Hattie wrapped a towel round her head and pulled on a pair of mittens. “Best I can do, innit,” she said. “Can’t wait for the badge, it wards off infections, viruses and evil spirits, can’t effing wait!”

What is the best medical advice?

“If you must have human contact, especially with the vulnerable, use fresh PPE for every interaction,” said Doctor Parris Eatermoll. “And don’t listen to the official government medical advisors. They are all struck off for fraud and incompetence, but still use the title ‘Doctor’. Like those retired army twonks who insist you still call them Colonel, 40 years after they hung up their uniform.”

What will the badges say? It’s a closely guarded secret, but rumour suggests that the inscription will read ‘Unclean’.

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