Crowdfunder to pay the Tory Party to “just fuck off” raises £100bn in first half hour

MOONSHIT MOONSHOT : A CROWDFUNDER LAUNCHED this morning by an anonymous party, presumed to be “most of the country, definitely most of Scotland, NI and a lot of London”, has raised a blistering £100bn in the first 30 mins after launch.

The campaign’s aim is to raise enough money to convince the entire Tory Party to “just fuck off”, while there’s still something of the UK left to salvage. The timing is important, as it’s only a few months before Dominic Cummings replaces the Elizabeth Tower with a 350m statue of himself.

It’s hoped that more than the initial £100bn will be raised by the organisers, as a paltry £100bn is unlikely to be enough to convince the Tory Party to just fuck off while they can just pretend to wage war against Covid-19, while passing that much hard earned taxpayer’s cash and more out of the back door.

“We figure an even trillion pounds should do it,” one of the organisers emailed LCD Views to say, “it should at least be enough to convince Boris Johnson to just fuck off. Some of the ERG are more ideologically committed to the complete and utter destruction of the United Kingdom, so they may not come as cheap.”

However much is required it will certainly be money well spent.

“We were considering how much fuss the Tories made over that daft letter left in 2010 that said there’s no money left, and how there certainly won’t be once this current gang are finished looting the country. So it is worth donating. Cut our losses and hope they run.”

And the crowdfunder has an apt slogan to help advance its aims.

“Put your hand in your pocket before you find a Johnson in it.”

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