Cummings enlivens SAGE like an injection of bleach into a CV-19 patient’s lungs, says Downing St

TAKE ONE PILL AND CALL ME IN THE MORNING IF YOU’RE STILL ALIVE : The UK has been an international outlier in the Covid-19 crisis, mostly because we’re determinedly exceptional.

“It’s a real opportunity,” a Downing Street source tells LCD Views, “mostly to show the Continentals how to handle a public health crisis like a PR exercise, with scant regard to the impact on the lives of the peasants.”

Just like Brexit then?

“Exactly. It’s why Classic Dom attends SAGE. If you let actual public health experts decide ‘the science’ the Prime Minister is guided by you stand at risk of emerging from the pandemic and still having a social care crisis. If that happens old Bojo will have to come up with a policy. That’s like socialism. Makes you feel a bit sick at the thought. Labour comes up with policies, we come up with stories. It’s why we keep winning. It’s how we’ll win Covid-19. The brave sacrifice of the mighty Britons faced with an emergency none could ever have foreseen. But we rose to the challenge and defeated the virus! Churchill spent a lot of time in a bunker in the Blitz. Boris is spending time in the Chequers cellar. It’s exactly the same.”

But what about people who think actual epidemiologists, virologists and others who specialise in pandemics should decide what we do? You know, instead of the guy found in contempt of parliament?

“Where’s the opportunity in that? We’d end up just following the WHO advice like some subject nation straining under the yoke of trans-national organisational tyranny to regain our sovereignty. We didn’t get blue passports back just to throw it all away keeping NHS staff alive with actual PPE.”

So it’s Dom’s way or the WHO’s way?

“Exactly. Like an intravenous injection of bleach right into the trachea. The guy who headed up the Brexit lobby group found to have broken electoral law will Get Covid-19 Dom! If you’re lucky some of you will live to enjoy the completely unbiased and heroic biopic!”

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