IT DOESN’T RAIN BUT IT POURS : Since the new voting system for MPs was revealed yesterday many have raised concerns over how MPs will keep dry when the plague sunshine ends.
But fear not, the government has thought about it and taken steps to protect those fine suits and dresses.
“We have it on good authority, completely invented for the purpose of this article (the purpose of which is to ask about the expenditure of public money – seems to be a lot of that going around?) that a company linked to Dominic Cummings has been awarded a plush contract to supply umbrellas.”
The company is believed to have been set up overnight by the second cousin of someone who once wrote a positive review of Mr Cummings’ blog. However, actual ownership of the company appears to be in the hands of a US billionaire. Which will come as a shock to everybody.
“We can spare no expense to protect MPs as they stand around for hours like lambs being led to the slaughter of representative democracy.”
The contract, which was awarded without tender, will see £350m per week paid for the supply of umbrellas. The umbrellas are believed to have been liberated from a poundstore supply chain which has been unable to distribute to shops during lockdown.
The reason for the high cost appears to be the modification of the umbrellas, before distribution, to include a digital chip which monitors MPs heart, breathing rates and records their private thoughts.
“Umbrellas are useful in blazing sun too,” our source continues, “so it’s a bargain whatever the weather. And with our commitment to continue with global warming, well, there’s going to be a lot of hot summers. At least until water levels rise sufficiently to flood over the Thames barrier.”
But there’s no free lunch. MPs will have to pay a minimum of £100 per umbrella, which they will be able to claim back on expenses, so no one is left out of pocket. Most umbrellas are expected to be single use, unlike the taxpayer.
“It doesn’t rain, but it pours,” the source added, “pours public cash into private pockets. Got to love a good disaster [capitalist].”
But just in case anyone is worried that someone is taking the piss, each umbrella will come with a free eye test!
“The eye tests are in the form of a get out of jail free card. Those are valid for travel to any destination within the UK, by road, during the anticipated second lockdown this summer.”