SEEING IS DECEIVING : Actual British Prime Minister Dominic Cummings to is address the nation over an eye boggling craze that is seeing optometrists going out of business.
“Stop driving to castles, you plebs,” Mr Cummings is to begin his address, in what critics have noted is a more conciliatory tone than usual. “Use a registered and qualified optometrist instead.”
Some have reacted to the new, public health focused tone, by wondering if Mr Cummings has friends who have bought shares in optometrists?
“It doesn’t matter if I have,” Mr Cummings will continue, throwing his arms around his people, “or what I do. Haven’t you got it yet? I’m laughing at you. I’m trolling you. I rule you. You are there to be harvested, essentially. You are my flock. Mwahahahaha!”
The speech will be welcomed by the nation, and reported as such by the BBC.
“It will build on the important work Home Secretary Priti Patel has been doing on warning people over the dangers of inward migration,” one observer said, “and Boris Johnson’s lectures on moral responsibility. Such an example to the nation of what to do.”
But castle builders are thought to be upset.
“When Jenrick asked me to put in my plans for a new development of Norman style castles in Wales I was reassured that additional income would come from people driving out to test their eyes,” Bob’s Builders told us, “if you build it, they will come. That’s what I was told. I reckon he’s doing this to punish me because I didn’t bid for a PPE contract.”