Davis’s admission is frightening on several counts. Back of an envelope, for such important documents? Davis can write? Who the hell still uses envelopes?
On the other hand, it is encouraging that the government is embracing recycling. After all, most of its policies are cast-offs from the USA. Even Brexit is an old idea. It dated back to the UK’s original entry into what is now the EU in the 1970s.
LCD’s Environmental Issues Correspondent reports that scraps of paper have swelled the recycling bags in Westminster this month. In the main these have crude calculations written upon them and then crossed out.
Some of these items have been forensically analysed by LCD’s work experience student, Adam Upp. Upp, who takes his GCSE Maths next year, was able to confirm that the calculations were “a bit tricky” and that they were “doing my head in”.
Imagine the consternation at Brexit HQ, where all the experts have been carefully removed from their posts. If our expert struggled to make sense of the calculations, how would Davis himself cope? “They were not as straightforward as some people imagine,” be boasted. Presumably, he included himself in the category of ‘some people’.
Instead, the impact assessments will be produced “a little closer to the negotiating timetable”. That must be the negotiating timetable which has been progressing slowly over the last six months.
So, when can we expect to see the impact assessments? “I am really tight on time,” Davis snapped. “This is a difficult time. Besides, the Department has run out of envelopes, since we all use email these days.”
When pressed on what Brexit means to British business, Davis’s urbane facade finally slipped. “Brexit means Brexit means Brexit means Brexit. End of, so there,” he snarled. “Fingers crossed, no comebacks. Ner nerny ner ner, and your mum’s fat.”
Your correspondent offered Davis an old fag packet to replace the missing envelope. The offer was gratefully accepted.