David Davis reappointed Brexit Secretary after his outstanding negotiations with Vodafone

WE NEED HIM MORE THAN HE NEEDS US: In times of great need, the UK requires a saviour to gallop to our rescue in shining armour. St George? Shakespeare? Benny Hill? No, that greatest of luminaries, David Davis.

The man who spent 18 months failing to negotiate the easiest deal in history has once again displayed his outstanding quality. He spent 6 hours trying to sort out his phone contract with Vodafone, with absolutely no success whatsoever.

This is the man we need at the helm as increasingly fractious Brexit debates still rage. Much of the current team is still at the stage where they wail, ‘Why doesn’t someone tell them we voted to leave?’ ignoring the fact that this is the reason they came around the negotiating table in the first place.

So back into the fray comes the man of the moment. Brexit, we were told, could be sorted out in an afternoon over a cup of tea. Davis couldn’t sort out a phone contract in more than an afternoon despite consuming several cups of tea. Clearly, he is the man for the job.

The necessary tactics are obvious. Davis must insist on an EE+++ deal, with free 5G (whenever the technological solution becomes available) and 100 extra minutes. Oh, and he won’t pay the bill because that’s socialism. No more TalkTalk, or we will WalkWalk. No phone is better than a bad phone, after all.

This sort of fighting talk is what got Davis the job in the first place. In no time at all, the EU will be despatching orders to all the German car manufacturers to send a car full of mobile telephones to Mr Davis, and give him a free lift to the Sunlit Uplands.

Or, more likely, they will give him an Australia-style deal. Two tinnies connected with a piece of string. It’s the ideal way to congratulate a cobber for all his hard yakka. Bonzer, mate!

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