Davis maybe considering alcohol related incident with Junker to liven up Brexit talks

David Davis MP, head of the fantastically visionary Department for Exiting the EU, is said to be so out of ideas for how to drive talks forward that the only thing left to do is to get really drunk with Junker and hope to come out the better of it in the ensuing public spectacle.

LCD Views met secretly with someone claiming to be an aide to Davis to hear more about the inside planning going on to avoid the cliff edge. We met them on the Thames embankment on a bench facing the river. They sat at one end of the bench, we sat at the other, both faced away and talked out of the corner of our mouths.

“Are you sure you weren’t followed?” the aide asked LCD Views, “I’m gone if you were. This is incredibly risky. I didn’t sign up to be deep throat.”

Assurances were given that our reporter was not followed, although in truth, we’re a ramshackle and amateur outfit, so no measures were taken to avoid it. It never actually occurred to us we would be.

“He’s really scratching his head now on Brexit,” the aide mumbled, “He thought he’d just walk in there with his hands clearly empty, ready for a scrap, and lay it down. We’re an imperial power. We’ve got nukes from the yanks. We’ve got aircraft carriers that’ll have even have planes borrowed from the Americans sooner or later. Don’t mess with us.”

But it seems things didn’t pan out as expected.

“Barnier has such big piles of paper. They’ve got words on them too. It’s pretty sneaky what the EU is up to. They appear to have prepared. We’re not happy. This is supposed to be improv.”

But with the EU blocking Davis and May and their cunning plan to just get what they want because they want it, blue sky thinking is now looked to for the answer.

“He’s needs to get Junker drunk and get into a fight,” the aide nodded. “It’s a perfect plan. Here, we’ve even sketched out how it should go with stickmen.”

The aide slid a piece of paper across the bench.

“Make sure you run this if you go to print. Junker is the one with the bottle in his hand. It’s perfect. Davis is going to dance about like a prat and wait for him to knock himself out. Just one of the many possibilities represented by Brexit!”

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