Johnson commits £16bn to development of “British fish torpedo”


The people’s prime minister made the announcement today over Zoom, while cosplaying as Captain Birdseye.

“I have nothing to promise you but fish today and fish tomorrow,” the PM began, before pausing to take off his hat, ruffle his hair, perv at some adult websites, feverishly text a violist, and finally return to the slippery issue at hand.

“I have today instructed our WORLD BEATING maritime and naval scientists to begin work IMMEDIATELY on a BRITISH FISH TORPEDO. A munition so powerful that when it explodes in any school of fish they will INSTANTLY become BRITISH.”

What the French and Norwegians will think of this the Prime Minister didn’t allude to specifically, but it’s certain to “have our foreign FISHY FOES discombobulated as schools of FRENCH FLOUNDER explode in an underwater detonation of SOVEREIGNTY.”

It’s expected that the schools of fish will “most obviously home then to the land of their birth and await like WELL TRAINED DOGFISH to be SCOOPED UP IN BRITISH FISHING NETS”.

But critics have pointed out that the plan for the British Fish Torpedo has one startling flaw.

“It will blow them up,” a fisherman said, “which is at least in keeping with what Brexit threatens for our entire industry.”

But gloomsayer’s concerns aside, the plan will go ahead like all of Boris Johnson’s big ideas and is expected to explode in our faces upon completion.

Dominic Cummings to replace British Army with a lie on the side of a bus

FIELD MARSHALL TWAT : THE MOST POWERFUL MAN IN ENGLAND, Dominic Cummings, is currently completing his first ever defence review.

“The verdict is in,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “spending money on the army is a complete waste of time when your entire policy platform is exactly what your enemies want.”

It seems the five minutes Dom spent reading a famous book about defence policy in the early 90’s taught him everything he needs to know for a complete do over.

“We send millions every week to the army when we could better send it to tax havens instead,” the source went on, “a defence set up fit for the 21st century is coming.”

And it seems Dom is drawing on personal experience in reshaping the armed forces.

“He led the very successful coup against the British state in 2016-ongoing. And what was the most powerful weapon in the arsenal? A bus. That’s all the British Army needs.”

What will be written on the bus isn’t clear, but it’s understood that Dom will conduct focus groups to identify the most powerful slogan.

And it’s not just the army that is in for a shake down, the RAF and Navy are too.

“The Navy is going to be replaced with nudge theory. Basically Farage in an inflatable in the Channel with a long stick. He’ll literally nudge our enemies back to the Continent. The RAF will be one Spitfire, leased for £108m a flight from a private contractor.”

But what if the Army pushes back?

“Then Dom will go down and sort them out in his own way, and they won’t like that. No one voted for Dom. They voted for a lazy chancer instead who is happy to let Dom do whatever he wants. The people have decided and they’ve decided on a bus.”

Dom reforms defence – pilots to supply own planes, accept combat missions via ‘RAFer’ app!

LONG RUNNING GOVERNMENT IT PROJECTS : PRIME MINISTER FOR LIFE, BORIS JOHNSON, has already let it be known that genius brain box, Dominic ‘keep’ Cummings, has been given carte blanche to reform the UK’s civil service and defence. This is now bearing fruit.

Under changes being revealed today the RAF will be a pilot scheme for a re-organisation of the UK’s defence forces, in line with the gig economy business models.

“RAFer will deliver substantial savings to the public purse,” Defence Minister, Mr Know One-asear’dof, told a packed press conference in White Hall, “the savings will be passed on to married, Conservative voting couples via tax breaks. This is not about cynical electioneering in advance of the 2020 general election, to bribe moderate Conservative voters to stick with us via financial self interest. This is about modernising outdated systems for the modern age.”

But criticism of the pilot scheme has already begun with many claiming RAFer is not British enough.

“It’s the carte blanche that worries me,” Tory MP, A P Otato, told LCD Views, in a sign that even a large parliamentary majority doesn’t ensure turbulence free governance, “carte blanche sounds a bit French to me. I am a little concerned the MOD may have been infiltrated by Brussels? Surely the prime minister’s unelected advisor should have been given something more British, like free range? Like a good egg?”

What the RAF’s pilots think about the change isn’t clear. Although most will presumably already have and use Uber, so RAFer should be easy enough to navigate.

Labour’s defence spokesman is unconvinced though, but he was too busy undergoing a purity of essence test, in the hope of remaining part of the new shadow cabinet, and was unavailable for comment.

LCD Views would like to commend the government for its radical reforms, but we are just a bit worried that RAF pilots won’t be fully self-employed, as they maybe able to supply their own planes, but they can’t accept combat missions without the government app, so doesn’t that make them employees still? Isn’t there the risk that the savings to the taxpayer maybe reduced by employee related law suits down the line? We shall see.

Air defence – there’s an app for that!