Call me a bully, and me and my mates will beat you up, says Priti Patel

Pick on someone your own size! Bullying is Priti appalling, and our leaders should set a good example and at least pretend not to do it.

Our revered Send ‘Em Home Secretary is at the forefront of this initiative. She intends to literally stamp out bullying by sending the boys round to anyone who accuses her of being a bully.

“It’s the only language these people understand,” explained Patel in her Home Office dungeon, the light glinting off her PVC dominatrix outfit. “Throwing accusations around doesn’t help anybody, least of all me.”

She tapped the baseball bat against her palm in a gentle, yet unmistakeably threatening manner.

“My loyal task force are ready to rebut any allegations, however truthful,” she smirked, fondling the selection of whips at her whip hand. “Their motto is, use as much task force as necessary.”

How do you respond to reports that you personally have insulted and belittled your staff, so much so that they became suicidal?

“These people need to be taught a lesson!* she growled, her eyes flashing dangerously. “Spot! Fido! Heel!”

Two men crawled out of the shadows and knelt obediently at her stillettoed feet.

“You heard!” she commanded. “Find them! Bring them to me! Succeed, and you may have some scraps from my table. Go!”

She advanced, menacingly. “Nobody badmouths Priti Patel without suffering the consequences,” she hissed. “It doesn’t matter whether they are an environment ministry drone or a puffed-up bureaucrat. Me and my mates will, erm, persuade them never to do it again. And some of my goons, I mean friends, are very persuasive indeed.”

She casually fondled a knuckleduster. “Don’t you dare quote me on that!” she whispered with barely concealed malice. “Now, hand over all your devices and rhdhgwabjhgsCHTSb….”

LCD Views’ Behind The Bike Sheds correspondent has not been seen for several days now.

Public poll reveals that the most popular name for Johnson junior is Baby McBabyface

Democracy is everything! After the news broke about the prime ministerial baby, opinion polls went into overdrive to choose a name. The clear winner, with almost 52% of the vote, was Baby McBabyface.

Some say this is a stupid babe for a baby. Others argue that the name of a baby is nothing to do with the public. A few remainery types suggested that the full facts of the matter were concealed, so the vote was meaningless. Clearly the situation required clarification, so a reliably unreliable dissembler was pushed forward to make a statement.

“We don’t have a choice. The People have spoken, and we must respect their decision!” dribbled Michael Gove, casually shedding his skin. “This is a momentous day, in which we celebrate the abdication of all decision making to the Great British Public, while politicians get on with their real job of embezzling tax revenues and shagging tasty blondes.”

LCD Views was sceptical about all this, so we sent our Name Calling correspondent to interview Carrie Symonds.

How is Boris taking it?

“He’s a bit surprised, to be honest,” she said, glowing in a way that only a woman with severe morning sickness can. “He told me it wasn’t possible to have a baby once you are over 50.”

That only applies to the woman.

“Oh…” she replied, her face suddenly falling. “I didn’t know that!”

What about the sex?

“It’s wonderful, he’s so passionate and… Oh. You mean the sex of the baby, don’t you? Well, it doesn’t matter yet, they don’t start having sex until they are in their teens anyway.”

What about the public choice of Baby McBabyface?

“Oh, it’s wonderful, it’s unique,” she gushed. “I love it! I’m not sure about Boris, though. He goes around muttering things like ‘Chlamydia’ and ‘Syphilis’. I don’t like that sort of old-fashioned name, it’s the sort of name Jacob Rees-Mogg would choose.”

At this point both Carrie and our correspondent went to throw up.

Don’t be surprised if they eventually name the child Sir David Attenborough.

Blonde man hearing about cabinet reshuffle for the first time

PMINO : A details light, ethically shabby, middle aged blonde man, described by some as a senior British politician, is said to be bemused after learning about yesterday’s cabinet reshuffle, for the first time.

“He took yesterday off,” an aide to the man told LCD Views, “he figured he deserved a long weekend, after all the hours he’s been putting into YouTube videos.”

And it was while he was relaxing that the reshuffle occurred.

“Apparently some unelected guy who hangs about the workplace decided to completely overhaul the British government,” the aide continues, “That’s cool. Who cares? It’s not that important who is technically head of departments anyway. The blonde man makes all the decisions, the others are just there for photographs. Well, at least the blonde man thinks that. He makes the decisions after the unelected guy convinces him they’re his decisions,

“I think the unelected guy, he dresses like a 90’s boy band member, I think he’s actually running the government. Not that it matters anyway. He tried to set up an airline in Russia once. That failed. But he’s doing great at government. He managed to replace the Chancellor, a moral void, he replaced him with an even younger void. That’s some governing right there.”

But what if the blonde man doesn’t like the changes?

“Ha! And? Wow. What’s it matter? He’s got Brexit done now, apparently, he’s kinda surplus to requirements. He’s just there now for appearances. The real decisions are made by the unelected guy, and sometimes, the blonde guy’s girlfriend. Democracy lost, get over it.”

Government pledges £105bn to bury Intelligence Report on Russian Interference in British politics

HIGH SPEED PHEW : Boris Johnson’s government is wasting no time in levelling up the political landscape into one giant soggy bottom, scandals and mysteries, secrets and lies buried in each crevice and crease.

To this end they have pledged an additional £105bn to bury the Intelligence Committee Report into Russian Interference in British Politics as deep down from the country’s newspapers’ front pages as possible.

“Miles and miles of HS2 should do it,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “and phew! It’s amazing how the political class in this country allows us to get away with it. The report was cleared for release before the December 12th election, old Boris delayed it, everyone in positions of power, except old Grieve, just sucked that up. He said he’d release it in January. Where’s January? Been and gone! Ha! Got Brexit Done didn’t we. The two things are in no way connected.”

What is in the report remains under speculation. It’s possible all it details is just how riddled with Kremlin linked cash the Tory Party is. No biggie. But having everyone wonder about it is distracting. It could even be delayed, just like the inevitable service on HS2, to keep everyone distracted from the rolling train crash that is Brexit.

Who knows.

We’d know if they released it.

“Don’t be silly,” the source chided, “to release the report would be the actions of an accountable government. And for Mr Johnson accountability is the one thing he’s most afraid of. You wouldn’t want to hurt his career now, would you? Not now he’s grasped his most wanted political prize and has no idea what to do with it.”

Yes. We would. We’d like to live in a functioning democracy again. Where’s the report?

“You know already. It’s under the miles of unlaid HS2 track. Or perhaps in the footings of a giant bridge to Ireland.”

UK celebrates taking back control from BRUSSELS by letting Johnson’s girlfriend choose its CHANCELLOR

TAKE THAT JUNKER IN YOUR BUNKER : The United Kingdom continues to burnish its cred as the MOTHER OF PARLIAMENTS in week two, post Brexit, not really Brexit [transition].

“Boris Johnson’s girlfriend-mistress-SPAD-virility prop with intriguing links to Russia is deciding who is Chancellor,” our source inside 10,11,12 and 14 Downing Street reveals, while having no idea what’s going on in Number 13. “Although that’s put his best mate Dom in a real foul mood yeah, and he’s saying Bojo Al pal, bros before garden tools man.”

Of course the real victim in all this is The Saj. Not only has he had to suffer being defenestrated by the mad blogger Cummings, now he’s got to wait until late in the week to see if his friend Carrie’s pull with the chief is sufficient to stop him being shuffled.

“It’s not just The Saj who is on tenterhooks,” the source continues, “according to the Mirror article used as the basis for this entire article, whoever the hell Ben Wallace is, he’s got the same anxiety dream while waking.”

What Brussels makes of this no one knows. But what we do know is that Global Britain is going to do things its own way. And that way is a mentalist’s ménage à trois in Downing deciding in a psychological game of twister who fills the UK’s great offices of state.

Talk about being governed by unaccountable, unelected elites. Not that Boris cares, he’s too busy in the basement designing another bullshit bridge.

#GlobalBritain, it’s a brand. Already soiled.

Smell the glove.

David Cameron offers to organise referendum on re-unification for Ireland after general election

ONE MAN AND HIS SHED : The man judged responsible by modern historians as the founder of the modern British state (of it), David Cameron, has offered to assist Ireland after its general election this week.

“While some of the results are still to be decided,” the internationally renowned holder of opinion polls said, “it’s clear there’s been a sea change in Irish politics. They could do with an Englishman’s help.”

What form the help would take is obvious.

“As Sinn Fein is clearly now one of the big players in the Republic, everyone in Ireland will need an Englishman’s help in making sense of what it means. I therefore propose to organise a referendum for Ireland. And I’ll do it for a modest fee. Given my extensive experience in this area, having interned in referenda in 2016, it’s only fair to receive a small measure of compensation. The book sales of the sequel to my memoir won’t cover my exercise of expertise.”

The problems Ireland are now facing, having voted weirdly, do also show the potential issues any modern democracy will see arise when you don’t give the contract for organising postal ballots in elections to chums of the governing party. But that’s another entirely speculative story.

But what question will Mr Cameron put to the Irish voters, in order to assist with their new direction?

“Firstly I’ll ask who they are. That’s obvious. Who are the Irish really? Does anyone know? Irexit party got less votes than spoiled ballots, whoever that is, so it’s a puzzle they’ll need help cracking.”

And the subsequent question?

“Well, whether or not they wish to re-unify with the United Kingdom before or after Northern Ireland has re-unified with them, that’s clearly the one to answer next.”

Shouldergate critics accused of HYPOCRISY following no uproar as PM appears in HoC revealing his heel

CLOTHES MAKETH THE MAN : THE CRITICS OF TRACEY BRABIN MP have been justly accused of hypocrisy after they failed to criticise Prime Minister (for life) Boris Johnson over his choice of dress for the House of Commons.

“They all went so crazy over Tracy Brabin’s shoulder they couldn’t even check if they’d spelt her name right before launching into tirades on Twitter,” our Confected Outrage correspondent noted, “I guess the sight of that much flesh, thrust into their faces, as the UK recovers itself as a wholly unified Christian country, acting out Christian values like deportation of vulnerable citizens, and where people feel a sense of belonging to the land that GOD gave them at creation, well, a bit of shoulder is just too much.”

But the furore over the shoulder was useful in other ways.

“It stopped people mentioning the Acuri scandal, the Intelligence Report into Russian Interference and asking why the f c u k is Stanley Johnson being employed as a go between with China.”

That last one is pretty easy. Bojo is still desperately seeking the approval of his dad, so he’s using him to subvert our diplomatic service, so he feels good about himself.

“It’s a little bit royal isn’t it? A little bit absolute monarch to use your close family members as courtiers to powerful foreign courts?”

Well, the prime minister’s choice of dress is a little bit absolute monarch too and no one’s raised an eyebrow.

“It’s odd how you see him as Henry VIII,” our correspondent replies, “when I saw him he was wearing the emperor’s new clothes. He must have an extensive wardrobe.”

Yes, he’s also sheathed in lies…

Every household in the UK to receive a free package of Sovereignty

Brown paper packages tied up with strings attached? Naturally. Nobody wants their Sovereignty to come undone so soon after getting it back.

The private delivery companies tasked with delivering the Sovereignty are taking extra care with the precious packages. Normally they do almost half as good a job as the old Royal Mail, for only just over twice the price. This time they have pinky promised not to chuck the packages in the bin or dump them in a layby.

Every household should receive a big box on Monday morning. What will receiving your Sovereignty feel like? Our No Expense Spent reporter spoke to Sovereignty expert Gottar Cuntribach.

“It will give you a nice warm glow,” claimed Cuntribach. What, the sovereignty? “No, stepping back inside your nice warm house.”

What will happen when excited householders actually open their boxes? Will Rule Britannia play?

“To be honest, nobody really knows,” said Cuntribach with refreshing honesty. “Nobody has ever seen Sovereignty, except the one and only true Son, who is Nigel Farage. It is rumoured that if you did see it, you would die on the spot. But that’s not what this is all about!”

Which begs the question, what is all this really all about?

“Taking back control of our feudalism,” replied Cuntribach. “If it’s good enough for Saint George, it’s good enough for the rest of us.”

Saint George, that well known foreigner who never even set foot in the country…

“Details, details!” replied Cuntribach. “Tonight we’re going to party like it’s 1399!”

The British people have, with the slenderest justification possible, exchanged their place at the top table for Mr Burns’ Mystery Box. The public, well, 52% of them anyway, are agog with anticipation.

Will it contain unicorns, blue passports, fish and chips in newspaper, sunlit uplands, and a plethora of celebratory 50 pence pieces? Or are we all suffering from empty box syndrome? We’ll have to wait and see!

Downing Street orders giant English flag to fly over Edinburgh castle from now on

EVER STRONGER UNION OF EQUALS : Whoever the leaders are (English media unable to inform) of the Welsh Assembly and that place in Northern Ireland are reportedly furious today after a serious snub from 10 Downing Street.

The insult appears to be the decision to order a massive Saint George Cross to fly over Edinburgh Castle from 11pm (CET) on the 31st January 2020, but no such command given to whoever organises national symbols of ever closer union in the other places.

“It’s a classic Dom for sure,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “dom as in dominion. Although this is more about reassurance than unnecessary triumphalism.”

The flying of the English flag and not the Union Jack is believed to offer additional comfort to Scots who may lately have become confused over how much autonomy they can expect going forward.

“Boris isn’t going to put up with any mouthy jocks ruining his endless bunga bunga party in Downing Street,” the source goes on, “let’s start as we mean to go on. Children should be seen and not heard. Or in Mr Johnson’s case neither seen nor heard.”

It’s additionally believed Nicola Sturgeon will be placed in manacles and paraded down Pall Mall on the 31st as the English nationalist victory over the Scots beds in.

Enough words, like all the English plebs about to lose FOM, and all the other rights you can keep if born rich enough, the Scots need to feel the boot of the toffs. The people have decided.

“That’s about creating a sense of shared powerless for all. Some would say moving to a more empowered system, regionally speaking, would secure the Union going forward, but Boris favours a more 18th century approach.”

The flag itself will be manufactured out of the used bed sheets of Jacob Rees-mogg to ensure it carries the right vibe north of Hadrian’s Wall.

Mark Francois is tipped to unfurl the giant St George and shout “BONG!” over and over as he does. Any Scots who fail to also shout bong will have their names noted down and access to Irn-Bru restricted to remind them of who is the boss of who.

However you plan to celebrate English independence from a shared international framework of minimal rights and freedoms, just make sure it’s bonkers.

Johnson answering what shampoo he uses expected to be high point of media scrutiny of Johnson in 2020

HOME AND HOSED : Global Britons are once again celebrating today by displaying to the world how a modern representative democracy goes about its business.

The latest total win occurred late yesterday afternoon when Prime Minister for life, Boris ‘how many kids and what does that say about a person’ Johnson, set himself up for a tough grilling from carefully selected members of the public asking deep and searching questions via social media.

A far better use of his time then attending select committees in parliament.

Mercifully no earnest, but misguided patriot bothered with such trivial matters like, where is the Intelligence Report into Russian Interference in UK democracy? What’s happening with the Acuri investigations? Why do you have a policy platform and just ‘f*ck business’, and what does such a careless attitude to other people’s lives and livelihoods say about you?

Even, does being born with a silver spoon in your mouth make it easier to destroy the hard work of others?

No. The big questions rained down like candy floss mortar fire and Mr Johnson was up to the challenge.

“I use…um..ah…what was the question again? Shampoo? Right. Yes. Baaa haaa!Like Theseus battling Medusa in a shiniest hair contest, with no mirrors, that’s right isn’t it? How long do we have left? Now, what was it? Shampoo. Yes. Of course. There will be no border in the Irish Sea. You can massage your scalp with it. That’s it. That one.”

This is all of course being broadcast around the world and helping to let everyone know just where Global Britain is positioned in the challenging landscape of the 21st Century.

“Too right too,” our political analyst chipped in, having watched the Boris show, “it’s good to set a benchmark early. I wager that Boris Johnson attempting to answer the question, what shampoo do you use, is set to be the highpoint of parliamentary as well as media scrutiny in 2020.”