Boris Johnson offers to lead inquiry into his “failure to be honest”

NO TRUTH SERUM NEEDED : THE PRIME MINISTER IS SAID TO BE IN A HUNGOVER MOOD THIS MORNING, but that is in no way a hindrance to him performing the duties of his office. That’s because it’s mostly dressing up.

It’s further reported that he is ready to work cross party with opposition MPs to conduct the inquiry into his endless lying.

“He takes claims about a failure to be honest extremely seriously. It’s possible he has been honest once and he would like to identify exactly when that was. This will enable him to avoid repeating it.”

The most likely time period is thought to have been “over dinner” when he may have inadvertently admitted “he preferred the Claret to the Barolo”.

Whether or not the inquiry will focus on his serial bullshitting in the Houses of Parliament isn’t yet clear.

“We’re still working out the terms of the inquiry the PM will lead. It is clear it will be over a long lunch, potentially even and entire bacchanalian weekend at Chequers.”

There is thought to be some disquiet though that the largest party of opposition in English politics are choosing not to take part in the cross party initiative.

“That’s fine with the PM. Tories have ruled the country for the majority of its existence. This is because the other mob insist that people need to see them as the only saviour possible and refuse to openly cooperate with the splitters, regardless of how that’s worked for everyone in 2010, 2015, 2017, 2019 and now. Works for us. Be holier than thou. It allows Johnson untrammelled access to the levers of power.”

It’s unlikely that that paragraph will be included in any report.

“No chance. It was far too honest!”

“The perceived corruption problem would vanish if people didn’t know about it” – Tory cabinet

HANDS EYES MOUTH : The Tory cabinet is surprisingly beleaguered at the moment by a perception of corruption and something must be done about it.

“Not any corruption clearly, but the suspicion of it. The smell. Can you smell it? Talk about a great stink. It reeks to high heaven when we meet. Pooey!” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. They were smirking and waving their hands to waft away a decidedly foul aroma as they did.

The action to be taken appears to be a smart move too. They’re going to find out how all the stories of ministers, and those close to them are receiving gifts of lucrative pandemic related contracts without tender, keep hitting the press.

It’s not any corruption that is the problem it’s the fact people are finding out about it. Make sure to frame the story properly.

“If we can find the source of the stories than we can pay them off, or threaten them. Bully maybe a better world. We’ve got the right people to do it,” the source explained further.

“You don’t spend years getting elected to serve your best interests in some rotten borough where a potato with a blue rosette could do it, just to stay poor. What’s the point of public service?”

Indeed.

They better act swiftly though as the stories are becoming a deluge. Everyone appears to be in on it.

“We sit in the mother of parliaments. There’s a reputation to defend,” the source added. “Even if the reality these days is like a hidden portrait in an attic. Have you seen Dave’s portrait? Holy hell!”

The drive to gag the source of the cronyism stories has been nicknamed “The Three Wise Monkeys”.

“As long as no one hears, sees or says anything than we can properly milk this pandemic. Which is just the way a modern Conservative government comprised of disaster capitalists likes it.”

Tory sleaze, it’s easy if you have the right contacts. They lead to contracts.

“You know what they say, make hay while the plane loads of mutant variants fly in. Oh and blame the last Labour government. Ha!”

Matt Hancock said he only accepted shares in his sister’s company to test his eyesight

HALL OF FAME : Matt Hancock is a man who knows how to take care of himself, his friends and his family. There’s no crime in that.

Happily some sections of the media are willing to bring Matt’s altruism to public attention, or we may not have found out just how generous is his spirit.

“It’s not a conflict of interests if you care deeply about the people you’re awarded contracts to without tender,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “The only sin the Health Secretary has committed is being found out. He would like to project a tough, no nonsense approach, but clearly he wears his heart on his sleeve.”

The overly sentimental streak may indeed be a strong family trait, judging by the shareholders of the family company Matt has been awarding valuable public money to.

“Obviously some have seized the wrong end of the stick and cry that a public servant should not profit off the decisions he makes while discharging the responsibilities of his office. But that’s just discriminatory. It would be punishing Matt for serving the public if he had to exclude himself and his family.”

Weirdly though certain sections of the public, and even some opposition MPs aren’t convinced all is above board.

“We’ll change the rules then, to keep them happy and stop all the whining. It’s very distracting. And clearly Matt has the Barnard Castle Defence to fall back on. He only gifted the company he and his family own a government contract to test his eyesight. Dom established that as a principle of Johnson’s government. The public accepted it. It’s valid. Besides, what are you going to do about it?”

Matt Hancock’s sister to lead inquiry into Matt Hancock awarding contracts to Matt Hancock’s sister

IT’S A FAMILY BUSINESS : The great unwashed are famous for being jealous of the hard earned success of their betters.

We need look no further than the case of Matt Hancock who has valiantly been building on the sacrifices of those men who died on the beaches. Initially by supporting lying to the Queen so he could be Secretary of State for Health, and latterly by solving the social care crisis.

Well Matt Hancock has had enough, especially now that people have noticed he has a sister who he innocently awarded lucrative contracts too. The company of the receiving end just happened, by total coincidence, to have a large shareholding in the name of Matt Hancock. It’s probably not the same Matt Hancock.

“These accidents happen every day,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It’s like accidentally shagging a Union Flag draped IT tutor who needs hundreds of thousands of pounds to further her completely legitimate business interests. Nothing to see here. Move along please. Don’t ask who helped set up the Conservative Friends of Russia. The public need to let us get on with the business of governing.”

That’s what Matt thinks too. So he’s going to order an inquiry into Matt Hancock awarding contracts to Matt Hancock’s sister who has a company that Matt Hancock just happens to hold shares in. A shredding company no less.

And who will chair the inquiry?

“Why Matt Hancock’s sister of course. She knows everything that’s happened. And she can work closely with Matt, as already proven. If you want to get the right result you need to start on the right foot. Get an expert involved. Get in a family member.”

Then everyone can accept it’s time to move on, again…

Michael Gove ready to “stop hiding” and launch leadership contest to “rid Tory party of corruption”

MISSING IN ACTION : The UK’s greatest living politician, Michael “Rupert” Gove, is rumoured to be readying himself to return to frontline political action.

It’s believed he left the stage some weeks back over growing unease at the levels of public awareness of cronyism in government and wanted to be “the first rat to jump off the ship”. A decision which only increases his worth in the public estimation.

Now it seems after quiet time in contemplation, during which circulating “reports of puppies and kittens being sacrificed on an altar to an ancient kraken” are described as “overblown”, Mr Gove is ready to stage a comeback.

“He’s going for the top. He’s going to cut the head off the snake,” an insider in Hell told LCD Views. “Johnson won’t even have time to shout ET tu Gove! Or appeal to any other extraterrestrial for help.”

It’s believed Mr Gove is assured that the governing 1922 Committee already have the required number of letters expressing no confidence in the shambolic prime minister because “Gove and his wife wrote them themselves”, presumably in blood or some other powerful fluid.

Speculation that is was their own blood is far fetched though as the “paper would have caught fire on contact”.

The appeal to rid the governing party of public awareness is thought to be strong amongst MPs who are “troubled over the sheer size of the cat that David Cameron let out of the bag”.

Re-bagging the public awareness feline is sure to see Gove replace Johnson as “governing in the modern Conservative way requires a lot more discretion than the boozy, blonde, playboy is able to manage.”

It’s not believed Mr Gove plans to hold a snap general election, should he succeed, because that would risk the beginning of the “millennia of terror and suffering on Earth he intends to oversee.”

Ministerial Code is advisory only, confirms Boris Johnson

HONOURED MORE IN THE BREACH THAN THE OBSERVANCE: That great statesman, Boris Johnson, confirmed today that standards are optional.

He included this statement in a meandering ramble promoted by a sycophantic back bench lackey.

“Obviously standards are important,” he blustered, with his usual lack of self awareness. “But when the Ministerial Code – which is a voluntary mechanism, after all – gets in the way of day to day business, then it is incumbent upon ministers, wiff waff, erm, erm, yes, no, erm, to ignore it. Ignore it, my friends, with impunity! Omnia mutantur, nihil interit, I say!”

Johnson was gently pressed on the matter. Someone dared to ask him about the Nolan Principles.

“The Nolan Principles?” he replied, momentarily stumped. “If you mean the Nolan Sisters, well, they were some seriously decent totty back in the day!”

By extension, perhaps there are other codes which are past their sell by dates. Public standards expert Manda Torie detailed the situation for LCD Views.

“Any code, such as the Ministerial Code, relies on compliance,” Torie explained. “But codes may be broken, like the Enigma Code, and once they are broken they lose their power.”

That’s a very good point. Which other codes are at risk?

“The Highway Code is essential to road safety,” she replied. “Without it, our roads would resemble a mass brawl in cars, or even worse, Italy. Without common agreement, the Morse Code would be a random series of bleeps, and the Da Vinci Code a load of overblown gibberish.”

And this is why the Ministerial Code is important.

“A chain of command is only as strong as the weakest link,” she clichéd. “And if the links at the head of the chain are removed, then there is no chain at all. The government has broken its links to the country. Democracy is dead!”

Codes advise, ministers decide.

“Dance of Brexit” rehearsals for Brexit Festival result in A&E admissions for facial injuries

DANCE MACARBE : Reports of CALAMITY last night in the Little England village of Nostalgia after rehearsals for a new dance resulted in a flood of A&E admissions at the nearest hospital.

It’s understood the residents were hoping to build on the success of their VE Day 2020 conga line dance by inventing a new conga to celebrate Brexit at the upcoming festival.

“The dance has been designed by a local man, Mr Amnesia, who added a few extra twists and turns to the classic dance,” our local correspondent reports. “But a printer mishap meant each dancer received a slightly different set of instructions.”

It’s understood those taking part in the rehearsal had memorised exactly the moves they were to make, only many of those moves were incompatible with the ones learnt by others.

“It all started out coherently enough with everyone involved managing to separate themselves by some distance during the first change, the Leave means Leave steps, but it was when they came back together and attempted to move forward all hell broke loose.”

Eye witness accounts say “dancers elbowed each other in the eyes. Accidentally butt punched one another. Someone vomited after punching themselves in the stomach on purpose and then everyone was so desperate to avoid the puddle they just crashed together and went down like a sack of proverbial.”

Further reports of a firearm being discharged and blowing off the user’s foot after being investigated.

“I can confirm that Mr Bluff did cut off his own nose with a rusty razor during the step sequence titled ‘Stuff the French’. A spokesman for the hospital says doctors are attempting to re-attach the body part but the procedure is being complicated by the patient refusing point blank to believe he has cut his nose off in the first instance.”

Many of the injuries were worsened by a delay in seeking help as the dancers accused a small local group called “Remoaners” of being responsible for the catastrophic outcome, but none of them are known to have been involved.

“Further damage was sustained owing to the nearest hospital with an A&E department being over 50 miles distant, as the town’s own A&E was closed recently to make way for a Union Flag superstore.”

The organisers say they intend to continue rehearsals just as soon as they can “get their heads out of their arses”. That condition is said to be “pre-existing”.

Winston Churchill statue applies for political asylum in France

OUR FINEST SHOWER : PANIC at 10 Downing Street today after the SHOCKING discovery this morning that the statue of Winston Churchill has left this septic isle.

It’s believed the inanimate lump of metal, which by the way is prized by the Boris Johnson government more than life itself, slipped out of the police cordon sometime during the night.

“The officers were facing outward,” a 10 Downing Street source explains. “You never know when a woman with a banner protesting against violence to women will need to be forced to the ground and sat on by a crack team of riot police. That’s when Churchill left. We’re completely stumped as to why.”

But the departure of the statue looks set to cause a diplomatic incident with reports drifting back across the ENGLISH Channel that it has been sighted in Paris.

“We’ve heard the rumours that the Churchill statue has claimed political asylum in France. That seems highly unlikely to me. Why would he? What’s wrong with the facist leaning nationalism of famous liberal Boris Johnson’s government?”

Quite what measures will be undertaken to locate the statue, and indeed what response will be forthcoming from the executive should the statue be confirmed as having claimed asylum with THE FRENCH isn’t yet clear.

“When the prime minister wakes up for breakfast this afternoon he will be right on top of a detail,” the source reassured.

The Home Office is said to have already swung into action though, with Priti Patel ordering the border force to turn back the statue should it attempt to return by boat.

“As it is now legally an asylum seeker it has become Ms Patel’s natural enemy. Dan the clandestine channel threat commander will be on the lookout. He’ll do anything to get a biscuit or even a new chew toy from his boss.”

The mystery will presumably resolve itself in the hours to come, but it’s likely the statue left in protest, having had enough of living in Boris Johnson’s finest shower.

Downing Street report on Downing Street reports finds Downing Street reports are the best reports

WHITE OUT : 10 Downing Street has responded today to entirely undeserved criticisms by traitors over the quality of the reports it commissions with a robust defence, in the form of a Downing Street report.

The reports authors were handpicked by the prime minister during the five minutes each day that he almost works. The decision to decide the outcome of the report, before it was undertaken, was also at the direction of the PM.

“This Downing Street reports finds that Downing Street reports are without equal. They are world beating,” one of the reports authors, Mr White Wash, told LCD Views.

“The decision to decide the conclusion of the report was due to our new ramped up reporting procedure. If you don’t have a target when you fire, how can you expect to hit it?”

The report itself sources a wide variety of Downing Street supporters who all concur with the quality of the report and the reports it is reporting upon.

“We hope now that the country can move on from the needless and time consuming nit picking over reports that preceded this report, secure in the knowledge that the reports are all of the highest quality. We know this because we commissioned a report to prove it.”

But detractors have noticed one thing missing from the report into reports.

“Why isn’t it just the image of a Union Flag?” one patriotic Tory MP, Mr Glaf Hags demanded to know?

In response Downing Street have promised to commission a report into the lack of Union Flags on the report into the quality of reports.

“Lessons have been learned, it’s time to move on,” Mr White Wash reassures. “I would stick about but I have to produce a report on how the £2.6m spent on the new briefing room was a bargain.”

Position of PM’s mistress to become a cabinet position and not reverse cowgirl as expected

GIG ECONOMY POSITION : DOWNING STREET has moved to pour oil over troubled waters today regarding the ongoing furore over Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s serial infidelity.

Some dour and prudish types have suggested that a man who is prepared to cheat on a wife undergoing cancer treatment may not be best suited for high office? Happily for Mr Johnson he rules over Brexitannia, so moral standards don’t matter.

“We are moving to quell the ongoing chatter as it’s very distracting for the prime minister when he’s making model buses out of empty wine crates,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “And once the position of the PM’s mistress is a cabinet one then no one can say that whoever it is today is being paid inappropriately from public money. They’ll even get a pension and full job security, well, until the weekly reshuffle of the post.”

The move to make the position a full cabinet one does also show there is an aspirational quality to gig economy jobs.

“Zero hours contract? Random remuneration, but potentially large windfalls for services rendered? Could become an actual member of the government? Why not be a mistress? It’s part of Mr Johnson’s work as a feminist.”

The job title will be Secretary of State for Screwing the Prime Minister, which will see it eagerly sought after by a whole selection of much younger women with interesting friends.

“It needs to be a cabinet position too, as the mistress to the PM can be presumed to have significant political influence.”

The decision is a shock though to some who expected the position to be reverse cowgirl, or any other position found after consulting famous ministerial guide, the Kama Sutra.