Downing Street confirms all statues of British slavers have received both CV-19 vaccine “jabs”

CULTURE WAR! UH! WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR : THE RACE TO PARTIALLY VACCINATE THE UK IS ON, and it’s important that no one is forgotten.

To this end Downing Street are getting their priorities right, as supplies of the vaccine are currently limited, so now that the most famous pandemic rule breaker, Stanley Johnson, is fully jabbed up, it’s time to protect other historical relics.

“We need to protect our history from those who would properly understand it,” an aide to Robert Jenrick, Secretary of State for Pork Barrelling, told LCD Views. “To this end we are straining every sinew to protect the statues of famous British slavers. Every though they don’t have any sinews themselves.”

While the vaccine roll out itself is going ahead well, because it’s being done by the NHS, with some measure of political interference, the task of vaccinating the statues has been left to the experts.

“It wasn’t easy to find a Tory donor to give the statue vaccination contract to, but in the end we did, we found several of them. All have received multi-million pound contracts and all are rolling in it.”

And thanks to the fast actions of government the statues will now be safe from the virus as it is today, and whatever it inevitably mutates into tomorrow as the government stuffs about in the pandemic.

“Protecting our history has never been more important,” the aide adds. “Especially in the current climate when we are busy rewriting it. If the slaver’s statues topple, calls for reparations may follow, and we won’t stand for it in bronze or marble.”

British fishing industry reminded people voted for Boris Johnson because he made them laugh

HAVE I GOT ROTTING FISH FOR YOU : The media is full of reports for days of British fish dying happily because they know they’ll rot on a British dock.

But it’s not just the fish that are dying, it appears great swathes of the industry itself is laying on the dock gasping and flapping about.

The impact of the fishing industry is of course completely unexpected.

What use a shoals of trade experts warning of ruin when world famous trade expert Nigel Farage said otherwise? Who needs to research such credible claims from such august public figures?

People have, after all, had quite enough of experts. They want dark money funded bigots to confirm their biases and encourage their greed instead.

“But it’s not just Farage, Prime Minister Johnson deserves due praise indeed,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “You know Mr Johnson? Boris? He’s the guy in that Tory party conference film who refuses to shake hands with the black attendees in a line up.”

Mr Johnson, famous clown, amateur rugby player, father to uncounted children and poster boy of Brexit. He did it all with a smirk and eye catching stunts. And he promised the world. And he made voters laugh.

“It is his world beating ability to entertain that makes him a box office draw at the ballot box,” the insider adds, “who needs those boring politicians who drone on about reality when you can watch a big kid in a hard hat smash down some polystyrene boxes with a forklift! What a hoot!”

But now it seems the laughing is dying away, just like the industry Brexit promised to promote.

British fishermen should take solace,” the source reminds us. “Their industry may lose countless small traders, but before we got to this point millions had a good old laugh at Boris. Al to his friends. No. No. Not you fisherman. To you he’ll always be Boris.”

MPs who voted for Brexit Deal last year prepare to read it

THE BRIGHTEST AND THE BEST : The UK’s MPs overwhelmingly voted for the final iteration of Boris Johnson’s Brexit deal in the closing days of 2021, and now some of them are even going to read it.

“It wouldn’t have done to mess up Christmas with uncertainty over Brexit,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “which is why everyone had to vote for Brexit, so they could get home and try and not spread Covid. Or try and not catch it. Whichever way you roll.”

Clearly the process of ramming the bill into law was a great success for the prime minister, with most opposition MPs even turning up to play their bit parts in his farcical theatre.

Now though some MPs are becoming concerned with the impact of the deal and are actually starting to read it.

“It’s very old fashioned to examine the details of legislation before voting it through,” the source continues, “most modern MPs are not chosen for their attention spans or critical thinking abilities. They’re chosen to do as they’re ordered. And given how ghastly the government’s policy platform is, only the dumbest and meanest want to stand for it. It all harmonises exceptionally well.”

Except for when it doesn’t.

The details of the bill can now be understood not just by pundits and interested members of the public. But by the people who voted to enact it. It’s a classic bit of Brexit. Do first. Examine consequences later. And always, always avoid scrutiny. It’s the only way to make a success of it.”

Tory MPs undergo mass hypnosis to forget they illegally prorogued parliament

LOOK INTO MY EYES : THE SCUFFLE ACROSS THE POND ON CAPITOL HILL HAS LED TO SWIFT AND CAREFULLY MEASURED CONDEMNATION FROM THE UK’S LEADING CONSERVATIVES.

But that is clearly not good enough, given it appears that the Tories great ally Donald Trump may have stuck his sticky, bitty fingers into a sedition pie, before licking them clean.

So it seems the need to keep calling out Trump&Sons will not be abating swiftly. This leads many government MPs in a bind, given how many of them expressed effusive support for the Orange Peril.

“We don’t do unconscious bias training,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views, “but we do do amnesia training. We do it to a world beating standard. Wait, what are we talking about again?”

And before anyone forgets what they’re about it’s amnesia training today, tomorrow and whatever comes after yesterday.

“The main problem we face centres on the need to condemn Trump while not appearing to be hypocrites, in light of all the playful stuff we’ve done ourselves.”

This is a reference to lying to the Queen and illegally proroguing parliament and the ongoing accumulation of power without accountability by the executive? Oh, and the expressed desire to trash judicial review so the government can’t be held to account for lawbreaking?

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Amnesia. For the Torykip Brexit project to succeed it will need to be gold standard.

Boris Johnson to illegally prorogue parliament again to prove he’s not like Trump

POUNDSTORE TRUMP : The UK’s prime minister is under pressure today to prove there’s a lot of clear water between him and wannabe US dictator Donald Trump.

”Many have unfairly compared Johnson to Trump and even suggested they maybe related. Boris being born in New York and all. But that rumour is not under discussion today,” a 10 Downing Street aide told LCD Views. “And it is not of consequence that if you fast forward Johnson twenty years you get Trump. Probably right down to the fake tan, given what climate change will do to the U.K. Bigly.”

But what is under discussion are the following similarities.

Contempt for democratic process. Disregard of international treaties. Serial adultery. Lying as a default way of doing politics. Utilising racism for political ends. Dodgy Russian connections. Inability to empathise with the suffering his policy choices cause. Always promising a better tomorrow while making sure that can’t happen today. Mad hair as a symbol of madness. Flag shagging. Overseeing a raging pandemic, when it could have been avoided. Supporters making a lot of money in said pandemic. Loss of international standing.

“Wow! Hold on. Before you mention children. Johnson hasn’t caged them. He’s just happy to starve them. So that’s different. And one more thing that proves they aren’t the same.”

Which is?

“Boris Johnson did not attempt to close down the legislature by encouraging a mob of social media radicalised loons to invade it. He simply illegally closed it. Much classier. And to show how exceptional we Brits are he’s going to do it again, just as soon as he thinks he can get away with it.”

Georgian Manor building boom announced so all PPE contract winners can buy one

PILE ‘EM HIGH AND SELL ‘EM CHEAP : THE PEOPLE’S PANDEMIC, BORIS JOHNSON, IS SET TO THRILL THE CONSTRUCTION INDUSTRY WITH THE ANNOUNCEMENT TODAY OF A GEORGIAN MANOR BUILDING BOOM.

The boost to the building sector comes as demand for classic 18th century, stately homes has surged in recent months, following the handling out of untendered PPE contracts to people who once met Matt Hancock.

“We’ll be flying in the required craftsmen and tradespeople from the continent on special charter flights,” a Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views, “all native talent is currently pouring concrete in Kent. But that won’t stop us getting Manor building done!”

The properties will be constructed on the sweeping fields of farms that will be bankrupted with Brexit.

“Those farmers are dust now anyway. At least by watching a stately pile rapidly rising over their humble dwelling they’ll know their land won’t go to waste. And who knows, maybe they can rent an acre on it to grow their own food, as in the good old days. Although imported American chlorine soaked in antibiotics and hormones will plainly be the more economical alternative.”

But critics have been quick to point out that the boom will only really benefit people who’ve landed plum PPE contracts throughout the course of the tantric Covid-19 pandemic.

“That’s short sighted. The way we’ve handled Covid-19 is just a dress rehearsal for Brexit. There’s going to be stumbling blocks, shortages and flaring disasters all over once we finish the transition period. You want to get down to the boozer of a Tory MP today and rub shoulders. You never know your luck in the big city, or the small hamlet.”

PPE contracts – you’ve got to be in it to win it!

Boris Johnson made a complete balls up of being PM “unintentionally”

BALLS TO THE WALL: A new report on the first year of Boris Johnson’s premiership is due out shortly. Its author, who has already resigned in anticipation, was not complimentary.

Faye Sparm, the Parliamentary Commissioner for Standards, was requested to investigate the conduct of the Crime Minister. She allegedly threw her completed report on the desk formerly occupied by “Classic” Dom Cummings, with a resignation letter written in most unParliamentary language.

The report ran to some 84547885 pages, but Sparm considerately included a precis on two sides of A4. This was intended to ensure that someone would actually read it to Boris Johnson.

You can guess the contents. For example, there were several entire volumes devoted to “Spaffing Money Up The Wall”. These contained individual books with titles like “PPE”, “Serco”, “Jennifer Arcuri”, and “Dilyn the Dog”.

Another twenty volumes made up the series entitled “Dither, Delay, and Wiff-Waff”.

The “Brexit” volumes comprise the heart of the report. Each reads like a crime thriller, with the evil protagonist blundering from failure to failure, yet refusing to concede defeat. Each volume concludes on a cliff-edge – I mean, a cliff-hanger.

The tale of one Dominic Cummings is woven throughout the entire work. This backroom player, a pound shop Wormtongue to Johnson’s tragicomic Saruman, brings about his own doom. On the road to Barnard Castle (a very British Damascus), the scales fell from our eyes and his deceit was made plain – yet his services were retained.

The whole is subtitled by Sparm, a Harry Potter fan, as “The Life And Lies Of Alex Johnson”.

Various government figures were wheeled out to denounce the report. Dominic Raab said he “didn’t appreciate its significance”. John Redwood wibbled something about British Fish. Priti Patel simply growled at everyone until they backed off. Johnson himself went into hiding.

But the overriding theme was that Poor Boris was doing a good job under difficult circumstances. He may have made a complete balls up of the job, but “unintentionally”.

Donald Trump to stand in for Johnson at PMQs

MAKE PMQs GREAT AGAIN: The American-born blond buffoon supposedly in charge of the UK is self-isolating, conveniently enough. So in his place this week will be the American-born blond buffoon supposedly in charge of the USA.

The covid restrictions prevent Trump from actually appearing in person. So the exchanges will be conducted over Twitter.

Keir Starmer will issue forensic, searching questions in 280 characters. Trump will reply in deranged block capitals.

The questions themselves will not matter. But that’s traditional for the Johnson administration. And Trump is more than capable of conducting an argument in an empty room.

True to form, Trump is getting his responses in early. In his paranoia he is anticipating personal attacks. “PRESIDENTIAL HARASSMENT!” he boomed. “WE WILL TAKE ON THE LABS, AND WE WILL WIN AGAIN!”

Owning the Labs was only one of his preoccupations.

“MY GOOD FRIEND BORIS IS SICK!” he asserted. “AND HE IS DOING A VERY GOOD JOB INDEED! THE WICKED LEFT SHOULD SHUT UP AND SHOW SOME RESPECT!”

Somebody must have reminded Trump that there is still a pandemic going on, because the rage virtually leaped out of the next offering.

“TRUMP BEAT COVID! COVID BOWS DOWN TO TRUMP! IT’S A HOAX BUT WE BEAT IT ANYWAY!”

And, err, Brexit. It’s still going on, although the British negotiators have barely progressed beyond “You lost, get over it”.

“WE WANT A DEAL, WE WANT THE BESTEST DEAL, AND TRUMP IS THE MAN TO DO THE DEAL!” he boasted in an uncharacteristically lucid manner “BUT THE EU IS SLOW AND UNDEMOCRATIC. SAD!”

Back to standard Trump. What is an ex-American president, who should be packing his bags, doing standing in for the Prime Minister of the UK?

“I WON THE ELECTION!” he screamed, the disbelief palpable. “TRAITORS! TRAITORS EVERYWHERE! WE ARE ON THE SAME SIDE! LONDON IS IN AMERICA! MAGA! MAGA!”

And with that, the tweets stopped. It looks like Starmer might have to battle with the towering intellect of Dominic Raab instead.

Bishop John Sentamu denied House of Lords seat after being informed that there wasn’t space for him to move diagonally

BASHING THE BISHOP: The Upper House is becoming a Crowded House, after being stuffed with ardent Brexiters and members of Boris Johnson’s family. There was so little space that Bishop John Sentamu was denied the traditional life peerage awarded to a retired Archbishop. The reason given was that a Bishop requires space to move diagonally.

This conveniently ignores the fact that the House of Lords is full of Knights, each of whom can only move two steps forward and one sideways at a time. There is also a contingent of old Queens, who can mince in any direction they choose.

The government hastily cobbled together a press release, to head off charges of racism and cronyism. It stated: “Bishop Sentamu will have to be patient until the chequerboard black and white tiled flooring is complete.”

It’s hard to tell whether this makes matters better or worse.

Campaigners are trying to make Bishop Sentamu a pawn in a much bigger game. This is blatant racism, they say, and in making the Lords a practically all-white chamber they only succeed in blackening its name.

There are few shades of grey here. This is a black-and-white issue. Tradition has been broken, as with former Speaker John Bercow. In both cases, men of integrity have been denied a traditional privilege. There is a common thread here: both men are named John.

Johnson good, John bad. Little brother Jo Johnson is secure, rubbing shoulders with other non-entities whose former seat on the backbenches was always going to be the peak of their career.

After all, you don’t hear too many cries of “Johnson out!” Unless you happen to be Jennifer Arcuri, on the receiving end of avalanches of passion, and hearing Bonking Boris’ traditional mating cry.

So the Bishop will have to wait. The whole affair looks like ending in a stalemate.

Downing Street confirms the Office of Prime Minister has been outsourced to Serco

No 10 SERCO STREET : A Downing Street source has confirmed rumours today that the Office of the Prime Minister has been outsourced to multinational test and trace giant Serco. In. Its. Entirety.

“It happened on the 13th December 2019,” the source explains, “the morning after Boris Johnson’s famous “Oven Ready” general election win. Boris was still sleeping off the election night party at his Russian mate’s pad. Someone had to run the country. It was an unprecedented crisis.”

But it seems it was a crisis averted as the corporate stepped forward to offer to take the contract to be prime minister on without tender.

“But it’s incorrect to say it’s just Serco, there’s a drop down menu of various corporation supplying consultants and experts. It explains why the country is rapidly becoming the ghastly, ungoverned shower that you see in the headlines. The profits are huge. But just pay attention to the news cycle and feel immobilised with rage.”

The confirmation does at least make sense of the waste and mismanagement, as is common when the British state privatises services it should do itself, solely in the public interest.

“It really is the peak of trickle down economics,” the source adds, “the money these businesses are taking consulting on how to run the UK will not just trickle, but flood to a variety of bank accounts in low tax regimes. It’s essentially a massive work of international aid development, depending on how you look at it. Especially for chaps that write company names on letterboxes on tropical islands.”

But while the outsourcing itself is uncontroversial, some are quibbling over the lack of penalty and break clauses in massive contracts won without tender.

“They’ll stop asking that once they realise their Serco Social Score is liable to worsen if they don’t shut up. And whatever you do, when you next vote, ensure it’s a postal vote being handled by a mate of the governing Conservatives.”

Plans are also in place to outsource the opposition parties in the UK to private actors.

“It will provide strong and stable government,” the source finishes, “and not the sort of chaos we would have experienced under Ed Milliband. This is why Serco has rehired both David Cameron and Boris Johnson as consultants.”