MODUS GAMMONRANDY – “I only said racist things to get elected”, says Boris Johnson

GOLDEN DUMP : Newly returned English prime minister Boris Johnson has spoken out today to reassure voters over all the racism.

“It’s just a tool,” he explained, “you can either target the progressive swing vote to win an election or the gammon. Progressives are too busy being right and won’t coalesce easily. Gammon will easily mould into one sweaty, salty lump. Much easier to mobilise. Gobble. Gobble. Yum.”

But while an explanation of his MO was welcomed, it didn’t reassure anyone worried about all the racism, but.

“Oh, that’s real. But it’s equal opportunity racism. If you’re not me, you’re worth less and deserve the prejudice. But you see, where Labour went wrong, was they picked the wrong racism to be branded with. Why do you think I predominately target non-white groups? Think about the swing vote that’s given me a majority so large publications like this one will soon be outlawed under laws to do with respecting the government?”

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Whether or not he will continue in this way, now he has complete control of the country, isn’t clear.

“It depends on the day and what I perceive to be in my self interest. Good thing I’m a narcissist or I’d worry about the harm my words cause to ordinary people on the street, but”

As to the rest of us? We can distract ourselves with the food riots that will follow getting Brexit done.

“You won’t be wringing your hands over my racism when you’re basting a rat! Global Britain! What ho! We’re the chosen people, don’t you know.”

Boris Johnson has nightmare about horror ballot card on eve of Dec 12th GE

X MARKS THE BLOB : A British man is reportedly in a weak and wobbly condition today after suffering from a horrible nightmare during the night.

The man, father of an indeterminate number of children, has been described by locals as an autocratic mop of spaff, bad intentions, desperate insecurities and fascist leanings and is said to have woken screaming next to someone’s wife, or his younger mistress, or a rescue dog that’s been gaffer taped to his leg, or just a big wine spill on a sofa.

“It seems he was dreaming about a fantasy ballot card,” a source inside the home told LCD Views, “and all the choices were unpalatable and he had to choose all of them in his dream. That is why he woke up. He couldn’t face the rest of the dream.”

Although other people, who have known the man for some time, say it sounds like he got away lightly.

“There are so many other boxes that could have been on the ballot paper. His career and personal life is an endless train wreck for other people. And his promises aren’t worth dirt. It’s all starting to mount up. Oh, and he’s happy to risk the breakdown of the actual UK to feed his ego and to fuel racism and race based attacks on the streets. All up it’s a walking, talking bucket of sick with ruffled hair.”

But in spite of the nightmare it is believed he has already voted in the general election, being held today, although curiously not in his home constituency of Uxbridge and South Ruislip.

“That’s because there were no fridges available in the area that are big enough to hide in in case he gets scared,” the insider explained, “he comes across all tough, but he’s really just a little spoiled brat.”

Let’s get parliament working again, says man who closed it down

Let’s get parliament working again, is the cry from Boris Bollocks Johnson. This, don’t forget, is the man who prorogued parliament to stop it from doing its job.

Meanwhile, Bollocks has decided to hold an election, during which period parliament will not sit. These are the actions of a man who does not want parliament to operate at all.

It’s such a load of nonsense that it deserves to be plastered on the side of a big red bus.

Joining it will be all the promises of extra nurses, police, funding and so on. Numbers so fanciful that they may have been crunched by Diane Abbott herself.

Bollocks’ nose grows another inch every time he says “Let’s Get Brexit Done”. His proboscis currently circles the globe three and a half times.

Let’s Get Brexit Done, or LGBD, is a carefully chosen slogan. In the words of Bollocks himself, it’s a crude attempt to attract the votes of tank topped bum boys.

LCD Views naturally wanted to find out what passes for the truth these days, from the horse’s mouth. Our Verifiable Veracity correspondent sought out Captain Bullshit for an explanation.

“It’s, erm, well, yes indeed, absolutely, golly, erm, no, yes,” confirmed Bollocks himself. “I closed parliament to get it working again. It’s the same with, erm, technology and stuff, isn’t it, that’s what Jennifer Arcuri told me – allegedly, ha ha! – you turn it off and turn it on again. Works with all the fillies, erm, well, yes, what was the question again?”

We showed him a picture of the relevant headlines, but he pocketed the device, in order to provide a demonstration of the Tories’ policy with regards the NHS.

Fortunately he did return the device, albeit minus the photos and the contact details of all our female acquaintances.

Interestingly, “Let’s get Brexit done” is an anagram of “Bots entered ex gilt”.

UK anticipating studies proving Lab would have won majority if they’d joined GE electoral pacts

PURITY OF ESSENCE MANDRAKE : The flurry of polls that come out each and every day have so far masked one of the more important aspects of the current general election campaign.

They’ve focused predominately on the daily argy-bargy of the GE campaign, the rising and falling of the stars on show, but little attention has been given to studies about what UK voters anticipate to come after the result is in.

Thankfully the University of East Fukit, located in the town of Fukitmore, in the county of Fourfuksak, has turned the attentions of its newly created polling department to assessing the reactions to various outcomes from the varied, possible GE results.

“Clearly it’s still all to play for,” head of the department, Professor Ohmygod, told LCD Views, “any outcome, from a Tory majority which releases a face eating plague upon the country, to a Labour one which sees FDI evaporate overnight, due to the current Labour leadership’s almost total silence on Tory electoral lawbreaking, is possible. But the hottest of the potatoes is surprisingly focused on what academics will make of a Tory victory.”

And it seems the expectations here are very straightforward.

“People are eagerly anticipating all the robust academic studies that will follow the GE result which will prove, without fail, that if the current Labour leadership had gotten off its high horse and engaged in marginal seat electoral pacts, not only would the Tories have been completely humiliated at the GE, but Labour would have won a majority.”

As it stands that’s unlikely, everyone must just vote for Labour, because party allegiance, and road to Damascus conversions, are more important than getting the Tories out.

“Well, it all depends on how hard you really want to get the Tories out, doesn’t it? Working with other parties Labour could see Raab, Rees-mogg, IDS, Redwood, Gove and even Boris Johnson booted out, but they’d just have to accept the price of that will be allowing opposition parties to win some other seats they were never going to win anyway.”

That’s tough.

“I’d say it’s blinding, bloody obvious if you want to get the Tories out.”

But maybe it’s more important that the supporters of Corbyn, and party tribal supporters of the other leaders, get to feel more virtuous? Even if they will then be eating rat under a Boris Johnson majority? At least they will be able to entertain themselves blaming each other? What’s so bad about that?

“Quite a lot, judging by our data. Grass roots campaigners from all parties are pulling together in various areas, and all the opposition parties in England, Wales and NI, bar Labour, have agreed to work together in dozens of seats. But what would totally do for the Tories, and most likely see Corbyn enter Downing Street, would be for the biggest opposition party to get involved.”

If that doesn’t happen, we will just have to pin our hopes on the common sense of the ordinary voter…

“Get Hatred Done!” – UK’s voters to decide if they still want a government that hates them?

GET DEMOCRACY DONE : The power is in the hands of the people this month as UK voters go to the polls for the third time in five years as the fixed term parliament act continues to blaze like a bin on fire.

“You need to be careful to mention that the power is not just in the hands of the people,” a Downing Street source interrupted, helpfully, “it’s also in the hands of foreign kleptocrats and tax-dodging billionaire media moguls. Oh, and clearly in the hands of social media megaliths who are currently unaccountable to anyone. This is democracy!”

And the key question in this national act of democracy will be, have the UK voters had enough of Stockholm syndrome? Or are they now well beyond any thoughts of escaping the hole in the basement floor? Do they now cry, “Right now!” when the figure looms over shouting about putting lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again?

“It’s hard to say,” our head political analyst comments, in between wondering if its time to stockpile toilet paper again, “Labour are determined that everyone will love Jeremy Corbyn as much as the people who love Jeremy Corbyn love Jeremy Corbyn. Even though, it’s patently obvious that Keir Starmer with this GE manifesto would smash it out of the park,

“The Tories are determined that no one cares much about anything anymore. Society is dead. And Boris “the lying shambles shagger” Johnson is the headstone on the grave,

“Do we want to get the shovels and dig society back up and see if there’s a pulse? We better bloody hope there’s enough ressurectionists out there or the future of the UK looks very grim,

“And the Libdems? Well, no one is quite sure who whispered in Jo Swinson’s ear that being the boring party, with an appeal to sanity that the massive swing vote turns to in times of desperation with the big old duopoly, is for the birds? Let’s go for winner takes all!

“So that’s just confused the electorate too. And they better hope that enough look at the manifesto by December 12th,

“Basically, everyone is just confused, worrying if there’s enough idiots in the electorate to vote for a Con slogan and take their chances with Priti Patel and Matt Hancock sequencing their genomes and locking the gates,

“Oh, and a lot are thinking can we just make Sturgeon and Lucas joint rulers for the next five years and see what they make of it? It’s a right old mess. But there is a way out. And I’ve already mentioned it. It’s the shovels.”

And what’s on the shovels?

“They have VOTE TACTICALLY FOR WHOEVER CAN UNSEAT A TORY.”

Dig for Britain it is again then? And you can do it with your vote.

James Cleverly reveals he changed his name by deed poll

What’s in a name, asked Shakespeare. Some of the star-cross’d lovers of democracy hurtling for a messy end think it’s important. Tory party chairman James Cleverly, for one.

“It’s important that we project the right image,” he waffled, while the BBC interviewer cooed over him. “Thickley is no sort of name for a public figure of my standing. It might project the wrong impression of me, so I changed it to Cleverly. Clever, don’t you think?”

“Oh yes, yes, yes,” purred the interviewer, approaching orgasm. “Don’t stop! Give me everything you’ve got!”

The BBC later denied that standards of journalism have dropped. Cleverly left the building looking like the cat that got the cream.

“Interviews are a piece of cake,” he remarked to LCD Views’ Slightly More Rigorous Than The BBC correspondent later that day. “You can say whatever you like and nobody checks up on you. Very clever, don’t you think?”

We asked about the Tories’ election strategy.

“Easy!” said Thickley. Sorry, Cleverly. “We make lots of promises, backed up with numbers plucked from the ether, and slag off Corbyn. The press laps it up and we get a free pass. Clever, if I say so myself.”

Has anybody else in the Conservative party changed their name as well?

“Priti Patel has changed her name,” said Cleverly. “I know her background, and it’s not very Priti. Her real name is much too long and, well, Indian, which makes it hard for an Englishman to say. Priti suits her like Cleverly suits me.”

The aura of smugness was overpowering. Do you think it’s big and clever to fake websites and pretend to be a factchecking page and to doctor clips of Labour politicians in action?

“That was my idea!” he bubbled enthusiastically. “Brilliant bit of cleverness, I think you’ll agree. Nobody could ever guess that was me! I expect the whole world now thinks that Labour are shit, and it’s all down to clever old me. I’m the Brain of Braintree!”

What’s in a name? A lying deceitful idiot by any other name would stink as bad.

Johnson and Corbyn agree on “Rabbit” by Chas and Dave for ITV debate theme tune

BRITISH TV GOLD : “We can’t let Sturgeon, Swinson, Lucas and whoever else get involved in the general election TV debate,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views today, “if they do Johnson and Corbyn are both likely to get cranky, on camera, and then less people may vote for them, and more may vote for the women. Heaven forbid.”

Whether or not this is the correct decision by the broadcaster, ITV, or by Labour and the Conservatives, is a source of heated debate, even if the courts have agreed they are not breaking broadcasting law.

“Imagine what they would have chosen as the theme tune?” the source shuddered, “probably Wuthering Heights, maybe ABBA? It doesn’t bear thinking about. Women should be seen in politics, but definitely not heard when the big moments come. Just our luck none of those other parties have a man as leader. We’d be forced to debate them. Be poor form not to. Jolly bad show.”

But what have the leaders of the Tory and Labour Parties chosen as the theme music for tonight’s televised debate?

“Rabbit by Chas and Dave,” the source smiled, “the lyrics really hit the nail on the head.”

Especially the lines…

“coz you wont stop talkin,
why dont you give it a rest?,
you got more rabbit than sainsburys,
it’s time you got it off your chest,
now you is just the kinda girl to break my heart in two,
I knew right off when I first clapped my eyes on you,
but how was I to know you’d bend my earholes too?,
with your incessant talking,
you’re becoming a pest“

“Definitely,” the source agreed, “sums it up nicely. Women with informed opinions. Makes you shudder. You’ve seen how flustered both of the men get when they’re faced with them. Could be a polling disaster. Bad enough having to listen to them rabbit on in Parliament. On the rare days these days when it’s actually sitting.”

Like most issues currently on the political landscape, it’s a divisive one. And given that Sturgeon, Swinson and even Lucas potentially hold the keys to Downing Street on December the 13th, thanks to what is likely to be a strong wave of tactical voting this GE, perhaps the men running the old duopoly of UK politics should have been forced to face them. Live. In front of a studio audience…

Yersinia P. Estis endorses Boris Johnson

A PLAGUE ON IN AND ABOUT HIS HOUSES : Outgoing Prime Minister Boris ‘Repressed Intelligence Report’ Johnson hasn’t had the best of weeks on the campaign trail, but the weekend has injected fresh optimism.

“We’ve received another endorsement from a famous feature of the traditional British landscape ,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “Yersinia pestis has endorsed the outgoing Prime Minister. This should help our campaign become incredibly infectious.”

The endorsement of the famous ‘Black Death’ comes after various other noteworthy individuals put their backing behind the Tory hopeful.

“Little Tommy ‘Not my real name’ is behind Boris now. That so called historian who denies the holocaust. A bunch of other similar and now one of the greatest mass killers in all of history? I mean, this should be a game changer.”

The Home Office is said to be especially thrilled by the endorsement of the Plague and intends to make the dissemination of it a key policy plank if the Tories retain power in the December national IQ test.

“You wait and see what happens now,” the source went on, “as Boris continues to tour the nation’s primary schools and nurseries, to avoid questions he can’t answer, he’ll be leaving a mark.”

Boils, haemorrhaging, raging fevers, fits of coughing up blood and just uncontrollable levels of scat are now expected to be the hallmarks of a visit by the famous student of technology.

But critics have given an underwhelmed response to the endorsement.

“It’s not exactly an achievement to be endorsed by an incredibly dangerous bacteria that you’re already the political embodiment of, now is it?” one wrote on Twitter, “being endorsed by penicillin would be something to shout about, but not this nonsense.”

We did ask penicillin who it was endorsing and it replied “whoever is likeliest to beat a Brexiter, whatever colour their rosette, constituency by constituency.”

If enough voters take that medicine and swallow it it’s just feasible we might show the plague on all our houses the door on December 12th.

Jeremy Corbyn promises to re-nationalise the BBC

Election fever strikes again as notorious non-Tory Jeremy Corbyn prepares to wreck the economy. Again. This time he wants to re-nationalise the government’s communications arm, the BBC.

This follows the government’s disastrous decision to outsource the BBC to the Taxpayers’ Alliance. Although this places the BBC at the heart of the democratic pro-Brexit message, unfortunately 55 Tufton Street cannot produce money-spinners like David Attenborough documentaries or the weather forecast.

Predictable howls of outrage followed Corbyn’s announcement. The Mail, the Express and the Telegraph blasted the plan in gigantic letters from their news desks at TPA HQ.

BBC bosses are said to be ‘disappointed’ to have to start commuting from Tufton Street to the BBC studios again.

News has become yet another commodity to be bought and sold to the highest bidder. In this case the shadowy albeit filthy rich figures funding the whole Brexit farce.

But re-nationalisation could bring back balance, rigour and fairness. These dangerous socialist notions threaten to undermine the entire fabric of British feudalism.

Former journalist Artie Cull cast an eye over proceedings.

“It’s about time someone took back control of the media!” Cull thundered. “Once reputable and reliable outlets have allowed themselves to print gaudy propaganda and fake news without scruples or fear of comebacks!”

And the BBC has been pushed into the same trap, says Cull. “Look at the evidence!” he shouts, going purple in the face. “Anyone Brexity is given an easy ride. Michael Gove, Iain Duncan Smith, Andrew Fucking Bridgen, all of them are allowed to spout whatever gibberish they like and the BBC just laps it up. That charlatan Farage is on one show or another almost every day. Footage of Boris Johnson cocking up the wreath laying ceremony on Remembrance Day was edited out of the BBC’s highlights package, while the papers made up random outrage about Corbyn. It’s about time some balance was restored!”

In the interests of balance, we are obliged to point out that other biased broadcast media are available.

Farage explains he stood down GE candidates after “image of Boris Johnson appeared in a piece of toast”

ALMS FOR BREXIT : High Priest, Cardinal, Bishop and Pope of the Church of Brexit, Nigel “1930’s tribute act” Farage has explained the real reason he stood down his religious militia in Tory held seats for this GE.

“Well, in spite of the media hype no one very much was going to vote for them. You’ve never seen such a bunch of swivel eyed crazies. Christ on a bike! Anyone who still believes in me by now must be pursuing plan-9 from the Planet Zaarg! Now. Now. Let me speak,” Mr Farage explained.

Just how much the mass limited company, zero hour, con economy candidate stand down will benefit Boris Johnson isn’t yet clear. It perhaps makes his brand even more toxic to Tory voters desperately scrambling to find reason to vote for Johnson.

While some marrow deep idiots will see it as a betrayal of the One True Brexit, without actually realising that the man they pinned their hopes on turning out to be a spiv, may suggest the project he embodies is a total con too.

“Now. No. Now,” Mr Farage went on, “Why spend perfectly good money on candidates in a GE campaign when I’ve a penthouse apartment to purchase in Düsseldorf? And besides. After the other morning and the toast, I didn’t have a choice. It was a message sent straight from the Brexit God himself!”

What was that about the toast?

“I was just settled down with a copy of the autobiography of a struggling, early twentieth century, Austrian water colourist to have my boiled egg and soldiers when what did I spy on the toast? Just before I cut it into strips as small as Brexit is cutting rule of law in our society?”

What? Do tell.

“Boris Johnson’s image,” Mr Farage exclaimed, “right there in the toast. And what’s more he was holding real Brexit in his hands! A proper British bent banana! It was a sign. And one I intend to heed.”

Let’s hope the rest of the electorate are heeding the signs too…