REAL MEN DON’T LOOK BACK AT EXPLOSIONS : THE UK’S HEAD OF STATE, DOMINIC “CONTEMPT OF EVERYTHING” CUMMINGS has made a pleasing gesture towards his government’s ceremonial figurehead.
In an announcement earlier today he said he will allow the shambling haystack that fulfils the role of puppet prime minister out to play. He will be however confined to an area with limited chance of meeting a member of the public, so as to avoid spontaneous booing, and somewhere where a close eye can be kept on him, even if he thinks no one is watching.
“Boris is like a puppy,” a spokesman for 10 Downing Street’s chief told LCD Views, “he’s full of boundless energy. If we don’t let him burn some of it off he starts chewing people’s shoes and the housetraining goes right out the window. Currently slinking away and pulling waitresses is not possible, we’ve decided to let him out to run about. Now and then. In the hope he doesn’t hump the beanbags.”
The exercise will be off leash due to the good security and high walls of Buckingham Palace.
“There’s no way he could climb over them. Not in his condition.”
As to whether or not there were any targets for the exercise, steps or miles etc, we decided to ask the holder of the once powerful, but now symbolic role, of prime minister himself.
“Woof. Woof! Grrrrrr. Woof!”
We wiped the slobber off, had the response translated and discovered he said,
“Oh, I’m not allowed to set any targets anymore, that’s for my owner to do.”