“I only popped out for a pint of milk” – Chris Grayling explains why he resigned from the ISC

INTELLIGENCE AND SECURITY: World beating government muppet Chris Grayling has come clean about his latest gaffe. The man with the anti-Midas touch managed to turn a trip to the corner shop into a resignation.

In normal times, buying milk for the committee members’ coffee isn’t a resigning offence. But these are not ordinary times. In Brexit Britain, the new normal is where Chris Grayling is thought to be fit to hold public office.

So what happened? LCD Views spoke to the not-so-great man himself.

“I don’t hold grudges,” he started. “But now, that chappie, Julian, err, Calendar…”

You mean, Julian Lewis, the ISC chair?

“Yes, he took my job,” he sniffed. “The one Boris Johnson promised me. Well, as I said, I don’t hold crutches…”

Grudges?

“Yes, yes, as a matter of fact I only agreed to sit on the committee out of courtesy,” he continued. “But they didn’t like me sitting on them. So Julie asked me to fetch some milk for the coffers…”

You mean, the coffee?

“Covfefe, yes, even though I like mine black,” he confirmed. “#BlackCoffeeMatters! Not being racist, some of my best friends are racist.”

Moving swiftly on, you went to buy milk?

“It took me an hour or two,” he said. “But at last I found the front door, got out my map, and headed for Tresco…”

It’s a long way to Cornwall.

“No, it was only round the corner,” Grayling confirmed. “Although I’m not sure which corner. Short story long, I got a bit lost, found a door marked ‘Cabinet Office’, went in because you keep drinks in a cabinet don’t you, and you’ll never guess what happened!”

You bumped into Dominic Cummings?

“How did you know?” Poor Grayling was utterly gobsmacked. “I didn’t know he worked in a shop. He was very rude, I only wanted some malt.”

Milk.

“That too,” Grayling admitted. “Anyway he said I could only have it if I signed a nun disclosure agreement.”

I feel sorry for the nuns.

“Only it turned out to be my resignation,” he grumbled. “Cummings lied to me! Who would have thought he was capable of such mischief?”

Who indeed. Fortunately, Grayling emerged from the affair with his reputation intact.

Downing Street to replace 2024 GE with alogorithm based on 2019 election

LOVELY DEMOCRACY YOU’VE GOT THERE BE A SHAME IF SOMETHING WERE TO HAPPEN TO IT : Downing Street is expected to confirm later today significant changes to the UK’s electoral system, to make it less vulnerable to foreign interference.

LCD Views has long argued for reform of the outdated system used by Westminster and is pleased to see our campaign has been successful.

Later today the chair of the newly created SCAT Task Force (Systematic Crumbling of Accountability Taskforce) is pencilled in to give a speech to outline the changes.

“We welcome this move,” our political analyst comments, “as you know LCD Views has long campaigned to make our electoral system more secure and less vulnerable to outside interference. The people need certainty, and from what I’ve seen of the speech SCAT’s No 1 will give, this will provide.”

In essence the new electoral system will mean people do not have to take a day off work in order to vote. And it’s not because the polling day is being moved to the weekend.

“They’re going to use an algorithm, which apparently is named after a famous American politician’s dancing method,” our analyst informs (don’t we always), “but it’s based on the world beating one premiered for use in 2020 A level grading. This caught everyone’s attention.”

But how will this new algorithmic voting system relieve UK voters of the burden of voting?

“Because the result will now be based on the 2019 general election. The government will thus have its result upgraded, Labour be lucky to hit three figures and the Libdems, Greens, Plaid, Independents and SNP vanish from the political landscape. It’ll make governing for Johnson a lot easier, whether or not he’s on holiday. That will become irrelevant.”

Boris Johnson forecast to win 93.6% of vote in 2024 GE

OVERWHELMING MANDATES : PRIME MINISTER Boris Johnson is already in a celebratory mood ahead of the 2024 GE, with electoral superforecasters predicting a barnstorming victory.

“He’s employed some campaign specialists from our good friends in Belarus,” a Downing Street source said, “so the result is a foregone conclusion. Why wait? Let’s celebrate. You’ve all seen the amazing work they do over there at the ballot box. We aim to learn lessons, now that we’re a free, sovereign nation, no longer limited by the tyrannical EU.”

The lessons appear to be mostly centred on the counting of votes and the best way to add them up.

“Some say that a proper mandate for a government is in the low 60’s. It gives a veneer of respectability. But the British people are one thing, why shouldn’t they vote as an overwhelming bloc? The British People are united behind Brexit. The British People are united over the need to push refugees back into France, or the sea. The British People are a homogenous bloc. That’s democracy. One voice. One people. The people will decide to support Boris.”

But the Downing Street regime’s internal critics have raised an eyebrow over the need to bring the fix in.

“We’re already doing away with judicial review. The NCA seems more focused on the clandestine threat of people waving for help in the water,” one said, “and you don’t need a bloody electoral win in the 90’s! Just look at the last GE. 43.6% of the vote and total power. Let’s stick with FPTP.”

Downing Street to repeal every single U.K. law as “our MPs will just break them all anyway”

A STITCH IN TIME : A DOWNING STREET SOURCE HAS CONFIRMED today controversial plans to wipe clean the slate of British law.

“We want to cut all that red tape,” he said, referring to centuries of common law, and other annoying stuff.

“Ordinary Tory MPs, just going about their potatriotic business pleasing donors and working multiple jobs as consultants, are tripping over unnecessary rules and regulations.”

It’s holding the country back?

“Just so! Not least the bloody modern fad for tyrannically dictating how superior males must act towards subservient females. MPs are dropping like nine pins. It’s not on. Men are born to rule. We all know that.”

So what will you do about it? It sounds a right mess.

“We aim to rapidly transform into a kleptocracy, post Brexit, much like the one big brained genius Dominic witnessed in the former Soviet union. Not that it had any impact on him at all.”

But how the complete erasure of law and order will impact people in their daily lives isn’t completely clear. Our source has some ideas…

“We may keep eviction laws, clearly. You have to protect people’s hard earned investments. Although I would propose a lower limit on the protection. You have to have inherited the rental property portfolio, or you haven’t really earned it. Something like that.”

But won’t that just lead to a regrowth of just the kind of red tape you’re trying to do away with?

“We’ll have to be careful, that’s for certain. But I wouldn’t worry too much. Any new laws we create, after getting rid of all the old bad laws, any new laws will be created by ourselves. We’re sure to benefit. Which is the only reason any of us want to be in government.”

Man who knows what he voted for claims he didn’t know what he voted for

ALWAYS READ THE SMALL PRINT BEFORE YOU SIGN: Or before you vote. The embarrassment that is Iain Duncan Smith has finally realised that he voted for something whose devil was in the detail.

It’s taken eight months for Smith to get around to reading the Withdrawal Agreement. An Agreement he voted for with great enthusiasm at the time. And an Agreement so perfect that he voted against giving parliament extra time to examine it.

In fact the Agreement is full of little firecrackers that the broad brush Brexiters couldn’t be bothered to brush up on.

This self own will only serve to increase Smith’s already impressive unpopularity. Smith is admitting that he either did not read the Agreement, did not understand it, or did not consider its implications. Possibly all three.

In this instance, he perfectly fulfils the Brexiter stereotype. Big, impressive rhetoric connected to an absolute refusal to do the necessary work or refer to known facts.

Leavers knew what they voted for, we are told constantly. Until, like Smith, you do a cursory amount of investigation into the Brexit claims, and find the unicorn you were promised is actually a pig in a poke.

These two stances are contradictory. You either know, or you don’t. Smith is caught on the horns of a paradox, in which he simultaneously knew and didn’t know what he was voting for.

That’s Brexit, of course. A delusion married to a paradox and wrapped up in a contradiction. You can’t have your cake and eat it. In fact there is no cake at all, just a bitter pill and humble pie for afters.

You won, Iain Duncan Smith. So suck it up, get over it, and if you don’t like it you can leave. So long as you have your shiny new black French made Blue Passport and a visa to get you into Kent to get yourself onto a ferry or the Eurostar.

After all, you knew what you voted for, even if you didn’t.

The Russia Report is 10 months out of date, says government that delayed it for 10 months

PUTIN ON THE RITZ: The long awaited Russia Report is useless because it’s out of date, according to Priti Patel among others. Any delays caused by a government unwilling to release it are purely coincidental.

This is the latest attempt to deflect attention from the damning report. Nigel “Mr Irrelevant” Farage was crowing about the infamous referendum, just for a change from harassing migrants. “There was no evidence of Russian interference!” he shouted gleefully to anybody unlucky enough to be in range. “So we got away with it!”

One hopes that Mr Farage can rest a little easier these days, although he is clearly affected by an excess of bile.

Oh so Priti Patel took a different tack. “The report has gone out of date while we have been sitting on it,” she smirked. “We have since tightened up our procedures, so that there is less of a paper trail for the Intelligence and Security Committee to follow.”

To put the matter to bed, Boris Johnson has elevated Evgeny Lebedev to the House of Lords. The presence of a Russian newspaper mogul, whose father was a KGB agent, and who made a fortune from the collapse of the USSR, is entirely reassuring.

The temptation to draw a parallel between Lebedev and the vultures awaiting the collapse of the UK, if not the EU, is strong. 

It is also tempting to deduce that powerful Russian interests are paying for Brexit, so they can clean up like Lebedev did. It is hard not to conclude that the same people are paying the government to ignore the evidence of interference, and to block the actions of the security services.

Indeed the Report makes this crystal clear. “The [REDACTED] paid for [REDACTED],” reads one ***-rated passage, unambiguously. “[REDACTED] used troll farms and bots to [REDACTED], and ensure that the referendum was [REDACTED].”

Julian Lewis, who was voted chair of the Committee in place of placemat Chris Grayling, published the Report, and had the whip removed as a reward. “[REDACTED]!!” was his pithy response.

What have the Russians ever done for us, ask Tory MPs

RED FLAG: the Russia Report has raised any number of red flags. Disgruntled Tory MPs, who have voted for stuff they don’t really believe in because they are shit scared of “Classic” Dom Cummings, are asking why we are so keen to sell out to Russia in the first place.

What have the Russians ever done for us, is the cry, and it’s a good question. Roughly translated, it really means “Where’s the bribe – I mean, donation – you promised me?”

But apart from bribery, what have the Russians ever done for us? Well, there’s paying the government and security services to turn a blind eye to their activities. And there’s the huge amount of money laundering business they have brought to the London Laundromat.

Then there’s the abuse of social media by the deployment of trolls and bots. The trolls need somewhere to hide which is why Boris Johnson keeps building bridges.

But apart from bribery, money laundering and social manipulation, what have the Russians ever done for us? I suppose that they are quite good at poisoning spies with Novichok, Cold War style. Then there’s the massive effort to undermine democracy to ensure Brexit happened. That put an end to the EU’s efforts to clamp down on dodgy financial dealings, which would have broken up their cosy little party.

The Russia Report describes a government which is reluctant to act, even when it has advance warning of a problem. It describes a government that ignores the evidence placed before it. It describes a government that creates confusion by dividing responsibilities between different agencies, each thinking one of the others is in charge, and reduces their staffing levels and funding. Any parallels with its handling of the Covid crisis are entirely deliberate.

So, apart from bribery, money laundering, social manipulation, poisoning spies, and undermining democracy, what have the Russians ever done for us?

Vodka. And borscht. But mainly vodka.

Jacob Rees-Mogg insists that the Tory conference should take place in Wetherspoons

Social distancing matters. But, if you are Jacob Rees-Mogg, debates should be undertaken in person and not over virtual communication platforms. There’s no room for the Zoom for traditional Tories.

So for his party’s traditional summer conference, he has not booked an overpriced snooty seaside hotel and a modern conference centre with as much atmosphere as the moon. These venues are sensibly refusing to take bookings from irresponsible posh boys. Instead, they will all go to the local ‘Spoons, since everybody knows that you can’t transmit a virus in a tightly packed, sweaty pub full of noisy drunks.

In a daring move unconnected to any desire to avoid scrutiny, Rees-Mogg has booked a ‘Spoons in locked down Leicester. The former proprietors of The Hunchbacked Plantagenet were taken by surprise, as they are self isolating and trying to buy PPE from a pest control company.

The shocked bar manager of The Hunchbacked Plantagenet was desperately trying to get herself re-employed in time for the conference. “They only told me to get everything ready last night,” admitted Betty Fallsover. “The perspex screens won’t be here until Friday, but I’ve got plenty of mousetraps.”

And will there be enough to drink?

“Oh yes,” said Fallsover with a glint in her eye. “I’ve ordered five thousand bottles of the finest wine. Chateau Barnard 2020.”

Meanwhile the city council tried to milk the situation.

“This is a great honour for the city,” boasted city council publicity manager Midler Nowhere. “I would normally recommend that the delegates visit the city’s attractions, but unfortunately at the moment they are both closed.”

Why don’t you tell them what they are missing?

“Said too much already,” grumbled Midler in a low growl. “Can’t talk about work, sorry, it breaks the conditions of my furlough.”

The screen went blank.

Hundreds of reckless, entitled exceptionalists packed into a cheap pub in the middle of Plague City. What could possibly go wrong?

BREAKING : Government to publish full and transparent price list for ministerial decisions

VALUE FOR MONEY GUARANTEED : DOWNING STREET is seeking to get ahead of the alleged ‘cash for favours’ controversy today after an interesting outing by a minister on this morning’s Today programme.

While the comments raised concerns about the potential for corruption, supporters of Downing Street have applauded the regime for its “business as usual” transparency.

“People know the rules of the game,” a imagined spokesman for 10 Downing Street told LCD Views, “and we’re not shifting the goal posts. They’re exactly where they’ve always been. It’s just right and proper that everyone can see how the game is played. You can’t say without fear or favour. God knows there’s enough fear and favour to sink a steam ship. But who’s ever been to a football match on a cruise liner and not experienced the fear of the crowd and the haranguing of officials over perceived favouritism? Especially as the giant iceberg goes from looming upon the horizon to just beginning to scrape along the bows. Goal!!!”

And to capitalise on the new, open and transparent style of government 10 Downing Street has announced it will release a “full, comprehensive and world beating” price list for ministerial decisions by week end.

“Or the weekend, we’re still nailing down some of the details. But if you want to, say, develop some green belt but the nimbies at the local council are standing in your way, well, the price to get the pitchforks back in the sheds will be achievable for any billionaire, even ones on a budget. It’s classic, traditional Tory governance.”

In other, unrelated news, a banana will be added to the Union Jack to symbolise the direction the UK has most determinedly taken…

U.K. celebrates 4th anniversary of taking back control from tyrannical unelected bureaucrats in Brussels

GIVE IT AWAY GIVE IT AWAY NOW : 23rd June 2016 is now firmly established as the day Global Britons took back control from the unaccountable, unelected bureaucrats in Brussels.

“But the people voted to take back control,” our 10 Downing Street source commented, quoting a now retired BBC4 Today programme host, “so it doesn’t matter what happens afterwards.”

What the country will do to mark the 4th anniversary isn’t clear, as no national celebration has been planned, but our in house experts have some good advice.

Suggestions for how to celebrate Brexit Day 2020 :

  1. Spend the day punching yourself in the face.
  2. Spend the day depriving EU27 citizens of their rights, after they were promised “nothing would change”. Be sure to feel pride in your British exceptionalism as you do, just don’t expect it to now be easy to trade with, or travel to France, Italy, Germany, Spain…well, the cost of victory is worth it, Global Britons, open to the world, betraying millions who settled in the UK legally and in good faith. We did this Global Britons, all together.
  3. Spend the day punching yourself in the face.
  4. Take a “Cooking With Chlorine” course.
  5. Spend the day punching yourself in the face.
  6. If you have several millions to spare, why not apply for a burgundy passport from a small, cash strapped EU state? Then you can laugh at poorer Brits in airport queues shelling out for visas, insurance and all the other things they’d taken for granted.
  7. Spend the day punching yourself in the face.
  8. Shove a massive cactus up your backside and sit down on a hard surface, then punch yourself in the face.
  9. Read the Conservative Party election manifesto for the 2019 general election. This is equivalent to punching yourself in the face. Follow that up with understanding the transfer of power to Boris and chums via the legislation for exiting the EU. This will be two black eyes.
  10. See suggestion No. 1. Rinse and repeat.

Once you have exhausted the list, if you’re at a loose end, and you can still see clearly, take some time to consider Dominic Cummings and who has really taken back control of the UK via Brexit.

Oh, and No. 11 – Bake a sovereignty cake and share it with your neighbours. Happy Brexit Day Global Britons. It’s time to pause and think on your achievements and what you’re going to do about them going forward.