Before Blunderdome : Johnson cabinet to hold first meeting and decide how to really fuck everything up

TORY ROAD : A lone buffoon searching for his destiny…a tribe of lost crooks waiting for a Don…in a world battling to survive, they face reality, but they face it together.

Crap Churchill tribute act, Boris Johnson, will hold his first cabinet meeting later today after selecting pretty much every disgraced Tory MP he could find to serve alongside him.

“He doesn’t want to have to come up with all the dead cats now he’s PM,” our Westminster watcher noted, “so he’s selected a whole motley crew of MPs who’ve already been forced out of cabinet in the past. All of them for reasons that should have ended their political careers. Scandals that would once have done so, when the political class, and the majority of voters, actually gave two hoots about having a functioning representative democracy, based on the rule of law. But that was yesterday. That wasn’t Brexit.”

And the cabinet even includes arch No Deal critic, Jo Johnson, brother to Boris, who returns, presumably because he just can’t help himself. If you don’t like these principles, I have others? Making this not only Blunderdome, but Blonderdome.

“It’s going to be fun watching a bunch of egomaniacal, limelight loving idiots try and work together,” our watcher says, “the clock is ticking to the first bust ups. Whether it’s how long Priti Patel has to wait to bring back the death penalty, or Dominic Raab’s psychological breakdown after learning the Isle of Dogs isn’t comprised of canines, there’s sure to be fireworks, and soon!”

Of note of course is what the wholesale clear out of the old cabinet means.

“It means a general election. That’s why Cummings is in there too. He knows about voter data and how to use it. The timing of all is interesting. Boris gets to spend the summer campaigning before announcing a snap GE with as little time as possible given to the other parties. It also means, doing that, he gets to avoid showing up in the House of Commons for even longer! Clever wheeze for a man famously work shy.”

But don’t worry about all that. The official opposition is busy attacking itself and the Liberal Democrats, certain the Tories will just destroy themselves, wreck the country, and in so doing lay a path for the old courgette fancier to breeze into No 10 himself. Just get us Lexit and then leave, we’ll be over here eating ourselves alive…that doesn’t seem like a viable political strategy, but hey, what do we know!

“How many Tory prime ministers have to come and go before it’s no longer a success to never be in government?” our watcher asks, “we’ll get the answer to that too as Before Blunderdome gives way over the next few months to the sequels, Into Blunderdome and then, Beyond Blunderdome. Strap on your home made metallic face mask and get ready to fight to survive.”

‘I Predict A Riot’ – Kaiser Chiefs reissue expected to smash and grab No 1 on UK music charts this August

MOOD MUSIC : ‘I Predict A Riot’ – the Kaiser Chiefs hit from the mid-naughties is expected to return to the UK music charts this summer in a smash and grab on the No 1 spot.

The song, off their debut album ‘Employment’, begins like a tribute to the Dead Kennedy’s and carries on like Brit pop. It is said to be a guiding force in the ideas accelerating the conflagration of the incoming Boris Johnson government.

”We’re only going to be able to get away with distracting the plebs with waffle and dead cats for so long,” Satan, aide to Mr Johnson, explains. “ideally we’d go historic and have some games in an amphitheater. But while we wait for one to be built by the new Ministry of Big Big Bigger Infrastructure and Ideas, we’ll need to make do with some street parties that go totally out of control.”

It’s believed the only potential flaw in the plan is how to control the damage, but none of the disgraced former ministers and alleged crooks coming into Downing Street will be too bothered about that.

The bigger the damage to everyday lives the better the distraction.

”Ms May has done us no favours at all, Satan bemoaned, “her reckless decision to sell off the water canon Boris purchased as Mayor of London will make it hard for people to stay cool as Blighty’s cities burn.”

This may seem like a fanning indictment of the outgoing prime minister by a key figure in the new administration, but it’s likely to only be the first.

”It’s all May’s fault anyway. From the timing of triggering Article 50 and on. That was her job. To be the great pasty. Our job is to make hay while the country burns. Let’s just set light to the tinder austerity has piled up around Brexit.”

We just couldn’t have a PM called Hunt say Tories

While it was always clear from the outset that Alexander Boris De Pfeffel Johnson (because fuck it just look at him) was going to win the Conservative party leadership contest after Theresa May resigned as PM, it was never more obvious than when it was down to the final two candidates, himself and Jeremy Hunt.

A survey of party members has revealed what the rest of the country knew instinctively anyway. You just couldn’t have a prime minister called Hunt.

Two thirds of the party voted in favour of Johnson, the figures were revealed yesterday. That, Brexiteers, is a real majority.

A quick survey of those who voted for Johnson revealed the reasons. One of the younger voters, 49-year-old Hugh Knowitt, explained:

“Even though I like his politics, you just can’t have a PM called Hunt in this day and age. We don’t want to make it too easy for the general public to extract humour from him.”

Granted, the word they are thinking of does apply to Johnson (and most Tory MPs) as well, he does not have to put up with people using it in place of his actual surname name on a daily basis.

However it wasn’t just Hunt’s surname that caused so many people to vote for Johnson. Imogen “Immy” Grant-Hayter, 63, had another reason:

“No way I could vote for Jeremy as PM – I saw the ballot form and all I could think was Corbyn, so of course I voted for Boris.”

A natural enough reflex from a tory member I suppose.

So in the end it all came down to the candidates’ names. As a result we now have a prime minister called Alexander Balderdash And Piffle Johnson. And there’s nothing silly about that, oh no.

Political party leadership election to decide who is Britain’s next PM this week

The identity of Britain’s next Prime Minister will be known very soon. One of the UK’s major political parties is holding a leadership election. So is the Conservative Party.

Democracy means democracy, say the Liberal Democrats. Do you want strong and stable government with us, or a coalition of chaos with Boris Johnson?

LD insider Midler Theroad gave us a peek behind the scenes.

“The other parties tried to bury us under the car park of populism,” said Theroad. “But you can’t keep us hidden for ever! Keep digging that hole, and you will find the answer. And here we are! Return to conspicuousness, and prepare for government!”

Liberalism may have been buried, and reduced to the status of legend, but it is back and ready to rule again. “With a new slogan!” announced Theroad. “Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with EU!”

The Stealer’s Wheel folk-pop ditty is going to be everywhere this summer. Some modern act like One Direction will re-record it with the updated lyrics. Gerry Rafferty will be turning in his grave.

Win or lose, will the Lib Dems require the support of the other parties? “A coalition, you mean?” said Theroad. “We aren’t getting in bed with the Tories again, not after getting the clap last time, and Labour wouldn’t even entertain the idea back in 2010. So both will have to work with us, but we will be in charge. And anyone who mentions Brexit will be banished to the back benches!”

Jeremy Corbyn is believed to be forming a Labour government in exile in Islington (South Allotments). And Boris Johnson is gathering faithful Tories to his Real Conservative Party, which meets on an exclusive London dining club, 24 hours a day, every day.

There is a vacuum in the centre of British politics. And, as everyone knows, nature abhors a vacuum.

The Red Herring – he ain’t no superhero bruv, he’s a politician holding a fish

MARVELLING AT HIS DEEDS : ‘The Red Herring’, by Anti-Intellectual Arguments productions, is set to premiere next week across the UK, telling the story of a normal lying politician and his fight to gain absolute power, and destroy reality.

“It’s going to do wonders for popcorn sales in the UK and across the Channel,” our film critics guesses wildly, “you can guarantee from the moment this tragic-comic caper of a bungling, fluffy haired toff, transformed into a super villain by a non-refrigerated kipper, hits the screens it’ll be bums on seats. Strap yourself in and be prepared to scream. Mostly in frustration.”

But it’s not just the story of The Red Herring, it’s also about his friends.

The former reality TV star transformed into a Defence Secretary, now battling Iran, with everyone baffled why they’re picking on her when Brexit is enough to contend with.

The Slippery Toad, a little boy called Gove, taken into the tower of a crazed, meglomaniac, newsprint emperor and sent back out to destroy the world. But he may just be the only hope everyone has of stopping The Red Herring before it’s too late.

Little Liam, who just wants to do a deal with someone, but can’t seem to find the words to make it happen if he can’t find his friend behind the curtain.

“There’s too many characters for one film really,” our critic muses, “they should all have their own disaster movie. Maybe this is just the start of a franchise of feature films? They all spin off from reality and carve their own destiny on the dreams of ordinary people?”

Who knows what thrills lie in store? There will definitely be lying in store, of that there is no doubt as this slippery customer lands on the banks of the Thames and seeks to stop his legacy from swimming with the fishes.

Winner takes fall – Johnson becomes first prime minister to lose Commons vote before taking office

BREXIT WILL EAT BORIS JOHNSON WHOLE AND SHIT HIM OUT IN DRY PIECES : Democracy in the U.K. is in intensive care at the moment, but it’s not dead and may not even be in total coma.

The encouraging news comes after the House of Commons passed a key Lords amendment to a NI bill earlier, making Boris Johnson’s suspected plan to go rogue and prorogue parliament (to force through a No Deal Brexit) much, much harder.

“Even the usual Lexit Labour rebels, who should probably piss off and join the Tories, couldn’t save the next prime minister’s skin this time,” our Westminster watcher reports, “this is because there were so many Tory ones starting to freak about how much batshit insanity is going to be attached to their legacy.”

(*image courtesy of Jim Pickard’s Twitter feed @PickardJE)

But of course the real winner from today’s votes in the House of Commons is Brexit. We decided to talk to Brexit to see how it is feeling.

”I’m speeding up my work,” Brexit told us, busy with the length of rusting steel cable it uses as dental floss, “here, hang on, Theresa May’s thigh bone is stuck between my molars. Give’s a sec.”

We waited while Brexit scraped the brittle bone from between its fangs. We waited longer still while it first inspected the wreckage of the outgoing prime minister and then slowly ground down the bone.

”I’m so keen to devour my third Tory prime minister in a row that I’ve started on Boris Johnson before he’s even prime minister. He’s already charred his buttocks with his endless pants fires for me. I’m going to splash on some Tabasco and get stuck in for dinner.”

In a world where liars are ruling too many domains and the U.K. looks set to have its only Trump style evil clown installed as prime minister, it’s encouraging to know that Brexit, helped by some MPs, is wetting it lips and waiting for breakfast.

52% of a vote has no legitimacy unless I like the result, says Nigel Farage

Professional gobshite Nigel Farage has condemned the election of Ursula von der Leyen as EU Commission President. He thinks that gaining the support of 52% of the electorate is insufficient.

“52% of the vote isn’t enough to elect the captain of a minor golf club!” seethed the mouthy mudslinger. “This vote has no legitimacy whatsoever!”

Translation: I don’t like this result.

Conversely, what about Brexit? After all, 52% of the electorate chose it. “The People voted for this!” said the jocular jackass on many, many occasions. “This is a mandate for the hardest Brexit imaginable, so hard it can cut diamonds. Anything else is a betrayal of democracy!”

Translation: I like this result.

“Do the maths!” thundered the self-appointed upholder of whatever form of democracy suits his own ends. “Von der Leyen only won by 9 votes. Brexit won by over a million votes. It’s a huge difference!”

So we did the maths. If you include the entire electorate in both cases, von der Leyen received 52% of the vote, including abstentions. On the same basis, Brexit received 37%. Even Numerate Nigel can’t argue that 37% has more legitimacy than 52%.

“You are twisting the facts to suit your narrative!” squealed the pompous populist. “That’s my job, not yours! You so-called experts, countering my blithering bluster with reasoned argument! It’s simply not on. The fact remains that Brexit is perfectly legitimate and von der Leyen is not!”

Translation: You shot down my argument in flames, so I’m just going to repeat what I want you to hear over and over until you give up.

It’s very strange, for someone so concerned with the legitimacy of a democratic vote, that Farage has been silent about the underhand methods used to manipulate the British electorate in the run up to the referendum. He has said nothing about data mining, dark money, undeclared donations or foreign interference, yet he gets very upset over a fair and transparent election.

Translation: You lost. Get over it!

Alexa : What’s the cure for stupid? – Amazon GP service launched during Tory leadership debate

NO CURE FOR VERBAL DIARROEAH : EXCITING NEWS for do it yourself medicine today with the launch of Amazon’s GP service during last night’s Tory leadership debate.

No fewer than fifty two people were believed to have sat through the entire debate between Boris Johnson and Jeremy Hunt, as they sought to win the votes of 0.25% of the population.

“No need to ask Alexa about symptoms,” our political analyst said, “our democracy is in great shape. Well, if you wanted to contract creeping fascism. If not? Don’t ask Alexa to help you. You’ll have to help yourself.”

But while our man maybe sanguine about the country’s political health (he’s fired), many who saw the two men fighting for the keys to Downing Street felt a chill.

“Alexa, how do you get someone’s head out of their backside?” – was one of the top queries made of the new NHS/Amazon tie up, during the televised display of nonsense.

“Alexa : What’s the cure for Brexit?” – was another, but it was only asked by people who want to eat food this winter, so it doesn’t matter.

“Alexa : how do I position myself to cash in on a crash in the value of Sterling? I’ll feel sick if I don’t profiteer off the disaster capitalism currently reducing the UK to a babbling idiot in a darkening corner of the globe.” – this featured also.

But by far the most common question was,

“Alexa : I’m developing a sudden migraine. What should I do?”

To which the reply was to turn off the television, or at the very least change the channel.

Advice the entirety of parliament could do with following. We’ve watched Brexit long enough and it’s made the overwhelming majority feel sick.

Second thoughts – Tories given two leadership ballots in case new info causes change of mind

CHANGE OF MIND : The Conservative Party has responded today to news that thousands of their members were given multiple ballot papers for the Tory leadership coronation of Boris Johnson.

Speaking to Marred (terminally) on the BBC this morning, Tory Party Chairman, Lord Offshore, explained the unique voting system.

“It’s a stitch up,” he shrugged, “I mean if it looks like a duck, if it walks like a duck and if it rambles incoherently in Etonian, it’s a duck.”

He also said, when pushed by more polite, deferential, leading questions from the interviewer, that just because the result of the vote has been pre-ordained, doesn’t make it illegitimate, if you say it is legitimate.

“Some members can afford more than one ballot paper, so they have been supplied with more,” he shrugged, “anyway, we’ve lost all ability to not rig a vote, since endorsing the criminally procured mandate to enrich a few of us in mid 2016.”

But the multiple ballots have caused a crunch in supply of bananas in the supermarkets.

“We have to get the voting paper from the right source. Banana skin is the best for this kind of thing. But let no one claim the abandoning of all pretence to defending rule of law means the UK is now a banana republic. It remains a monarchy. We just have to decide what kind of fruit monarchy it is. I suggest a proper, traditional, homegrown, indigenous British fruit, such as the pineapple.”

And in case anyone was still unconvinced by the conduct of the leadership vote, Lord Offshore offered further reassurance.

“Some members may decide to change their mind after they vote. Say, if new information comes out. One of the contenders may offer an even greater unaffordable tax giveaway. Or perhaps a promise to end universal suffrage and means test it instead. If that causes a member to change their mind, then they have that ability. It’s how a democracy succeeds.”

To underline this he added :

“If a democracy can’t change its mind, it ceases to be a democracy.”

Who will you vote for? Remember to do it twice.

  • the inclusion of the podcast is not intended to suggest the Tory leadership election is corrupt. I’m sure they’ll have a full and proper inquiry into what went wrong, just like with the corruption in the EU referendum of 2016, and then act according to defend our democracy and ensure it is beyond reproach…But the screw up with voting papers brought the podcast to mind.

Royston Vasey retirement village confirms identity of missing inmate as Ann

The local management of the local retirement village in Royston Vasey has confirmed that one of their inmates is on the run. In better news, a worryingly progressive youngster has notified the management that the inmate has been spotted, via social media, in Strasbourg.

Social media and Royston Vasey go together like Brexit and reality. Therefore, the news filtered in via a rogue niece of Tubbs, who escaped to, well, somewhere not local. She sent an image by carrier pigeon, with a note asking if Auntie Ann had got out again.

LCD Views’ Wing And A Prayer correspondent saw the reply, which merely said that Auntie Ann would be “made to sit in The Special Chair” when she returned.

Tubbs’ Niece, Emmy Grant, takes up the story. “Auntie Ann was always a character,” she explains. “She never married, because, she says, a man once looked at her funny-like. But the real reason is that she herself is played by a man, of course.”

Why the desire to escape?

“It is in her blood,” says Grant. “Wandering Widdy was what the village urchins called her. She has always had this desire to be independent, to escape the slavery of the life in Royston Vasey. God knows how she got to France. She never ever managed to get further than the parish boundary before. The border patrols would bring her back in, but they never put her in the Special Chair.”

What is the Special Chair?

Grant blanched and looked around nervously. “Nobody knows,” she whispered. “But nobody has ever sat on it and retained control of their faculties.”

There must be a record of her comings and goings.

“You don’t know Auntie Ann,” said Grant. “One look from those porcine eyes and the request to go ballroom dancing is enough to cow the most stubborn stranger into submission. I expect she screeched, ‘want a dance?’ and they thought she wanted to go to France. They wouldn’t know how to handle her, so I expect they just shoved her on the boat with the other weirdos.”

Edward and Tubbs are coordinating the rescue from the Royston Vasey shop. Flocks of pigeons are flying between Strasbourg and The North. They are believed to be tempting her with Ovaltine laced with crack cocaine. “It always works,” reads one of the missives. “You’ll never leave!”

The Special Chair awaits.