VALUE FOR MONEY GUARANTEED : DOWNING STREET is seeking to get ahead of the alleged ‘cash for favours’ controversy today after an interesting outing by a minister on this morning’s Today programme.
While the comments raised concerns about the potential for corruption, supporters of Downing Street have applauded the regime for its “business as usual” transparency.
“People know the rules of the game,” a imagined spokesman for 10 Downing Street told LCD Views, “and we’re not shifting the goal posts. They’re exactly where they’ve always been. It’s just right and proper that everyone can see how the game is played. You can’t say without fear or favour. God knows there’s enough fear and favour to sink a steam ship. But who’s ever been to a football match on a cruise liner and not experienced the fear of the crowd and the haranguing of officials over perceived favouritism? Especially as the giant iceberg goes from looming upon the horizon to just beginning to scrape along the bows. Goal!!!”
And to capitalise on the new, open and transparent style of government 10 Downing Street has announced it will release a “full, comprehensive and world beating” price list for ministerial decisions by week end.
“Or the weekend, we’re still nailing down some of the details. But if you want to, say, develop some green belt but the nimbies at the local council are standing in your way, well, the price to get the pitchforks back in the sheds will be achievable for any billionaire, even ones on a budget. It’s classic, traditional Tory governance.”
In other, unrelated news, a banana will be added to the Union Jack to symbolise the direction the UK has most determinedly taken…
GIVE IT AWAY GIVE IT AWAY NOW : 23rd June 2016 is now firmly established as the day Global Britons took back control from the unaccountable, unelected bureaucrats in Brussels.
“But the people voted to take back control,” our 10 Downing Street source commented, quoting a now retired BBC4 Today programme host, “so it doesn’t matter what happens afterwards.”
What the country will do to mark the 4th anniversary isn’t clear, as no national celebration has been planned, but our in house experts have some good advice.
Suggestions for how to celebrate Brexit Day 2020 :
Spend the day punching yourself in the face.
Spend the day depriving EU27 citizens of their rights, after they were promised “nothing would change”. Be sure to feel pride in your British exceptionalism as you do, just don’t expect it to now be easy to trade with, or travel to France, Italy, Germany, Spain…well, the cost of victory is worth it, Global Britons, open to the world, betraying millions who settled in the UK legally and in good faith. We did this Global Britons, all together.
Spend the day punching yourself in the face.
Take a “Cooking With Chlorine” course.
Spend the day punching yourself in the face.
If you have several millions to spare, why not apply for a burgundy passport from a small, cash strapped EU state? Then you can laugh at poorer Brits in airport queues shelling out for visas, insurance and all the other things they’d taken for granted.
Spend the day punching yourself in the face.
Shove a massive cactus up your backside and sit down on a hard surface, then punch yourself in the face.
Read the Conservative Party election manifesto for the 2019 general election. This is equivalent to punching yourself in the face. Follow that up with understanding the transfer of power to Boris and chums via the legislation for exiting the EU. This will be two black eyes.
See suggestion No. 1. Rinse and repeat.
Once you have exhausted the list, if you’re at a loose end, and you can still see clearly, take some time to consider Dominic Cummings and who has really taken back control of the UK via Brexit.
Oh, and No. 11 – Bake a sovereignty cake and share it with your neighbours. Happy Brexit Day Global Britons. It’s time to pause and think on your achievements and what you’re going to do about them going forward.
START ON 23/06/16 AND MOVE FORWARD : FOREIGN (TO GEOGRAPHY) SECRETARY DOMINIC RAAB has addressed the matter of the long overdue Intelligence Report into Russian Interference into UK Democracy today.
“While our security correspondent has only seen Twitter takes on Dom’s tele outing this morning,” LCD Views Foreign Affairs Editor comments, “and by seen I mean the most cursory of glances, we feel confident we can make up the entire story. Laced with some facts of course, as is standard.”
And the story appears to be welcome clarification as to why the government has not yet released the report.
“Don’t listen to the explanation that it can’t be released because the Intelligence Committee hasn’t yet been reformed, following last December’s election,” our correspondent comments, “that’s clearly a load of bollocks as it’s up to Prime Minister Cummings to form the committee. Classic gaslighting of the public.”
That makes sense, although doesn’t sound much like democracy. It’s a wonder MPs put up with it? Frogs in the slow boiling pot?
“There’s also the matter that there may actually be nothing to see in the report, apart from a rather lengthy list of donations from Kremlin linked figures to the Conservatives. And given Corbyn’s former spin doctor/handler is not exactly bereft of Putin associations, maybe it’s a cross party initiative? Bloody embarrassing for all concerned? Best keep it under wraps and hope the public forget all about it? Which, given they’ll all be jobless, CV-19 wracked and in socially distanced food ration queues shortly, it’s not a bad tactic.”
But surely there’s a better explanation?
“Personally I’d go for it being pointless,” our correspondent comments, “mostly due to having an inappropriate title. Once you allow the future direction of your entire country to be decided on a criminally corrupted, advisory referendum you don’t get to call yourself a democracy. Not in any meaningful sense. Round of applause for parliament please, while we still have it.”
CROMWELL TO BE PLACED IN A FRIDGE FOR HIS OWN SAFETY : Good news today for people worried that throwing 17th Century slave traders into the sea is not British.
“Downing Street directed the Home Office to direct Dolittle and Touch to conduct a private investigation, worth £1bn, after the widely reported incident in Bristol on the weekend involving the statue of Edward Colston. That investigation has now concluded.”
During the incident anti-racism protestors removed the controversial statue of the 17th century slave trader, rolled him some distance, before dumping him into the harbour.
Get in the sea Colston!
There are now rumours that Nigel Farage has set up a gofundme to fund his personal retrieval of the statue from the sea floor, but those are yet to be confirmed.
“While there is some concern at the Home Office that Priti Patel may not be able to rule the UK with a jackboot, due to the rather curious decision of Tory governments of the last 10 years to drastically reduce police numbers, and that removing statues and turfing them into the surf is not on [if it’s slave traders, it is on], there is no scope for action towards those involved.”
However, the police chief in charge on the day won’t be getting a peerage.
“The inability to act comes after the protestors used what is now called in legal terms ‘The Cummings’ Defence’. Essentially they stated their aim was not damage to public property. Surprisingly it wasn’t even an anti-racism protest. They tore down the statue of the famous slave trader, who grew wealthy off the worst of human motivations and deeds, and threw him into the sea to….(wait for it)…test their eyes.”
The British Prime Minister has taken some decisive action at last. In the midst of a life-threatening pandemic, he has been (not unfairly) accused of dithering and costing lives. But now he’s taking a stand on an issue of public health and safety, and about time.
In a statement issued last night, Boris Johnson announced that he had personally added to his job the title of “chief fridge inspector”, and will be inspecting any fridge he comes across from now on.
His statement was deliver in last night’s briefing:
“In an effort to guard public safety, especially in kitchens, I am personally appointing myself chief fridge inspector, effective immediately, and will examine in detail any fridge I deem to be potentially unsafe to battle this crisis. These inspections will take absolute priority, and I will not hesitate to carry one out, no matter what else is pressing.”
This comes in the wake of Donald Trump’s revelation that he had been inspecting his bunker at a time of national crisis.
It raises the question of whether this new job will interfere with his other more important responsibilities, and whether there will be a clash between his “inspections” and things like PMQs and press briefings.
“Look,” the PM said. “Fridges are a big thing. I mean they’re almost as important as buses for God’s sake! You never know when they might need inspecting. And Dom and I got our heads together and had this wonderful idea that I should be the one to check them, as I have a kind of sixth sense for fridges.”
Rumours that his own fridge is on the blink thanks to his attempts at DIY maintenance were also firmly brushed aside.
“So how do the British people feel now, eh?” he went on. “Knowing that their Prime Minister is personally looking after this vital issue, hands-on, no stone unturned.”
Well, it’s nice to know when our leaders are looking out for what matters. I wouldn’t know, I can’t remember when that last happened here.
TPA DANCING IN THE STREETS : Downing Street has moved to get alongside the furore over Jacob Rees-mogg’s celebrated reforms to voting procedure in the House of Commons.
“From today any constituency whose MP has been disenfranchised by Jacob’s Corn Laws will no longer pay tax,” a Treasury spokesman announced.
“And additionally, we will backdate refunds of all PAYE and VAT already taken to return money to voters which has arguably been taken unjustifiably since MPs, who could vote, took part in the complete farce our supposed democracy has become under the Brexiters.”
It’s not clear if the money will be wired directly into constituents’ accounts or a cheque will be put in the post.
“Mr Johnson’s personal preference is for the cheque to be in the post,” the spokesman added, “but he’ll have to clear it with Dom first.”
It must be said however, that the equanimity with which the voting changes have been received by MPs as a collective, wherein masses of colleagues have been denied their right to actively represent their constituencies in the most fundamental manner required of a functioning democracy, shows that Brexit is functioning exactly as designed.
No memorials for U.K. democracy are yet planned, because the lobotomisation of parliament is still ongoing.
The constituencies which have been stripped of democratic representation are likely to see a rash of new voter registrations too. Backdated to last week.
“People should note though that the payments will be a few weeks away,” the spokesman added, “as we need to allow time for Tory MPs to register in the afflicted boroughs, in order to receive the refunds. And for the ideal company to be found to be gifted the massive private contract which will be needed to ensure a successful scheme is in place.”
A TISSUE A TISSUE : THE MEMBER OF PARLIAMENT FOR THE 14TH CENTURY, JACOB REES-MOGG, has responded to criticism of the new voting system he’s introduced into the House of Commons.
From today MPs queuing up to catch Covid-19 from each other will be able to take fun fair rides.
“The Ghost Train is a traditional feature of British fairgrounds,” an aide who works in the crypts told LCD Views, “Jacob had a vision yesterday, as he was lying in his coffin awaiting the night, and the vision was fun.”
The Ghost Train will snake its way from the start of the long queue, all the way to the House of Commons chamber, with MPs spilling off the caboose and into the division lobbies.
A traditional song, The Dance of Death, will play as the train rumbles toward its terminal point. Although there have been a few murmurings of disquiet, as the recording artist chosen is not British. But then you can reasonably be queried over policies which may inadvertently, indirectly kill some of the people some of the time, but you can’t please them all.
And it’s not just the method of shuffling off the mortal coil that is changing in Westminster, the division lobbies are getting a much needed makeover too.
“MPs won’t go into the yes or no division anymore, but into the positive or negative, this will help Matt Hancock as he ramps up his CV-19 testing stats. If we’re testing people, they can’t be dying. That’s some clever thinking right there.”
But there has been one other area of criticism.
“Some of the usual types, who are never happy anyway, have suggested the train should terminate at Barnard Castle, the spiritual home of Tory Covid-19, but that would just keep Dominic Cummings undermining the rule of law in the headlines. We wouldn’t want that.”
Get your ticket today, just be sure to self isolate, at home, for fourteen days each time you ride the train. You never know what the person next to you maybe carrying on any given day. Well you would if we had an efficient, publicly run, infectious disease control strategy, but this is Tory run UK.
WE’RE AN ISLAND PEOPLE AND WE DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY HERE : LOCAL DEMOCRACY FOR LOCAL PEOPLE took a great leap forward yesterday after the successful trial run of a new voting system for UK MPs.
“It is rumoured that the new voting system, whereby MPs shuffle about like chumps for hours, was cooked up by Dominic Cummings and Boris Johnson as a power play over parliament,” our Downing Street interpreter interprets, “is parliament sovereign? Not if we can make absolute tits of the lot of them. How about we throw 21st century technology in the skip, in the middle of a pandemic, and co-opt MPs into a scheme to actively disenfranchise hundreds of their colleagues?”
Quite the wheeze.
And a complete success.
“The new system is not designed to be permanent,” our interpreter continues, “it was more like an initiation ritual at a private school, wherein the new kids are made to embarrass themselves completely in front of everyone. It’s to show who has power, and who has not.”
Jacob Rees-mogg, the supposed architect of the long queue voting system, found himself laughed at as the public and press witnessed the charade play out.
“Who’s the bigger fool? The boy who insists you put a hot crumpet between your buttocks, or the one who puts a hot crumpet between their buttocks?”
A good question.
“If you want to delegitimise parliament in the eyes of the people, as you continue your slow grind to turn a representative parliamentary democracy into an elected dictatorship, you can’t do a lot better than to order MPs to humiliate themselves in public.”
And even as they participated in the ritual, numerous MPs tweeted how stupid it was, while being stupid enough to go along with it.
Although it wasn’t all bad. The smallest man currently in the House of Commons, in all senses, got to show just how small he was. Which was some small consolation. Have a smirk.
“Mogg survived having a nap on the green benches last year,” our correspondent continues, “he’s survived blaming Grenfell victims for their deaths. He’ll survive being laughed at over the new voting system. This is because he’s really laughing at you. All of you.”
The only thing that remains now is whether or not the UK’s politicians, people who are supposed to understand politics, will realise how completely, symbolically, publicly and easily they’ve all been played? How they actively participated in robbing hundreds of constituencies of representation.
“Bad things happen when good people do nothing,” our correspondent adds, “and yesterday good people did a bad thing. So really, we’re even further around the S bend then we thought. But what do you expect when a country’s elected representatives allow the entire nation to be reorientated based on the result of a criminally corrupted opinion poll, now years old. Funny kinda democracy you’ve got there.”
Now we just wait to see how many MPs test positive for CV-19. Maybe the executive will be forced, with a heavy heart, to send them all home, permanently. For their own safety, you understand.
“I for one would like our elected representatives to be a bit more clued up to how they’re being played. And to remember the power they possess, before they’re robbed of it. In broad daylight. With their own active participation. And the next time Cummings decides to hold you all in contempt, maybe don’t go along with it?”
And now, to end, here’s a link to a video of a government minister who does his job well, with intelligence and public interest foremost. Spoiler alert, he’s not elected to the mother of parliaments, but he is refreshing to view. An example of where we should look to get back to.
WILL OF THE PEOPLE: There is nothing wrong with streamlining parliament, according to Jacob Rees-Mogg. At least that is our best guess at what he said, after filtering his schoolboy Latin through an online translation service.
Decisions will be reached much more quickly without having to endure troublesome debates or awkward opposition. Instead, a hand-picked selection of obedient MPs will attend in order! order! to nod through whatever legislation Dominic Cummings wishes them to.
Removal of the franchise coincides neatly with removal of other rights, unless you happen to be one of the fortunate feudal lords ramming the legislation through what remains of parliament.
“This ramps up the whole business of taking back control,” remarked supine yes-man Job Dunn MP. “The government’s entire lack of strategy will enable our natural leaders to reclaim rights eroded by stroppy serfs getting above their station!”
This, then, is democracy.
“Of course it is,” retorts Dunn. “The People had a vote, which means we have a massive mandate to do whatever we want!”
And what is it that we want?
“Let me check,” said Dunn, pulling out a sheet of official notepaper bearing the inscription ‘From the office of Dominic Cummings’. “Ah yes,” he said, peering closely at the text. “Restore ancient privileges, remove onerous and intrusive legislation (especially concerning rights currently assigned to the lower orders), decrease surplus population by natural or natural-seeming processes, not-for-profit organisations banned… That’s the gist of it,” he concluded.
So Jacob Rees-Mogg’s announcement is totally in line with your understanding of what democracy means?
“Power to the privileged!” cried Dunn, tugging his forelock obsequiously. “Parliament will eventually assume a ceremonial function, like the monarchy. Wasteful and inefficient elections will be replaced by an interview process, so that only the very best will represent Mr Rees-Mogg’s interests!”
WHAT’S THE RUSH DOT COM : THE UK’S prime minister, Dominic “contempt of parliament” Cummings, has made a firm commitment to the people who voted to be ruled by an unelected bureaucrat in Durham, not Brussels.
“Unlike the tyrannical, super state across the ENGLISH CHANNEL, we are now a healthy, hereditary democracy,” Mr Cummings wrote on his blog (while also amending a post from 2012 that predicted the Olympics’ opening ceremony would feature men dressed as knights, with St George crosses on their shields, and nothing else).
Thereafter several thousand words followed, most of which attempted to compare Mr Cumming’s driving skills, even while blindfolded, as equal to famous Chinese rally driver Tsun Zu’s.
Eventually he cycled back to the point he began at.
“Mr Johnson will resign his seat at the forthcoming 2020 December General Election. He will thereafter serve as my SPAD, after I am elected with an overwhelming majority in the seat of Uxbridge and South Ruislip. This will ensure a smooth transition of power from me to me, with Mr Johnson still worn as the fig leaf over my engorged, sociopathic member.”
But critics have leapt on the assertions and demanded to know how Mr Cummings can predict the future so confidently, when he failed so completely to prepare the UK for the Covid-19 pandemic he claims to have foreseen coming?
In response we imagined an honest reply.
“Who controls the voting system in the House of Commons? Who runs the postal voting system? Who is about to redraw the constituency boundaries? Who has failed to release the Intelligence Report into Russian Interference in UK Democracy? Who took the UK out of the EU based on a ‘mandate’ from an advisory referendum so corrupt, had it been legally binding it would have been quashed and re-run? Need I go on. Some things are just a foregone conclusion.”