INTELLIGENCE AND SECURITY: World beating government muppet Chris Grayling has come clean about his latest gaffe. The man with the anti-Midas touch managed to turn a trip to the corner shop into a resignation.
In normal times, buying milk for the committee members’ coffee isn’t a resigning offence. But these are not ordinary times. In Brexit Britain, the new normal is where Chris Grayling is thought to be fit to hold public office.
So what happened? LCD Views spoke to the not-so-great man himself.
“I don’t hold grudges,” he started. “But now, that chappie, Julian, err, Calendar…”
You mean, Julian Lewis, the ISC chair?
“Yes, he took my job,” he sniffed. “The one Boris Johnson promised me. Well, as I said, I don’t hold crutches…”
“Yes, yes, as a matter of fact I only agreed to sit on the committee out of courtesy,” he continued. “But they didn’t like me sitting on them. So Julie asked me to fetch some milk for the coffers…”
You mean, the coffee?
“Covfefe, yes, even though I like mine black,” he confirmed. “#BlackCoffeeMatters! Not being racist, some of my best friends are racist.”
Moving swiftly on, you went to buy milk?
“It took me an hour or two,” he said. “But at last I found the front door, got out my map, and headed for Tresco…”
It’s a long way to Cornwall.
“No, it was only round the corner,” Grayling confirmed. “Although I’m not sure which corner. Short story long, I got a bit lost, found a door marked ‘Cabinet Office’, went in because you keep drinks in a cabinet don’t you, and you’ll never guess what happened!”
You bumped into Dominic Cummings?
“How did you know?” Poor Grayling was utterly gobsmacked. “I didn’t know he worked in a shop. He was very rude, I only wanted some malt.”
“That too,” Grayling admitted. “Anyway he said I could only have it if I signed a nun disclosure agreement.”
I feel sorry for the nuns.
“Only it turned out to be my resignation,” he grumbled. “Cummings lied to me! Who would have thought he was capable of such mischief?”
Who indeed. Fortunately, Grayling emerged from the affair with his reputation intact.