Boris Johnson sets his alarm for noon so he can get out of bed in time for PMQs

Busy Boris Johnson has, allegedly, returned from his elongated holiday. A global crisis was not enough to get him to send a sympathy card to Qassem Soleimani’s family. But, according to an anonymous Downing Street “source”, he is back in the UK and has set his alarm for Prime Minister’s Questions.

PMQs is an anachronistic ritual in which the Prime Minister is questioned and expected to answer. Johnson has shown his support for this tradition by staying away, as he cannot then be accused of lying.

However, the first PMQs of the year is different. Johnson has been warned that if he doesn’t turn up this time there is no point calling it Prime Minister’s Questions. Nobody is interested in Random Numpty’s Questions. So he has set his alarm clock for noon on the dot so he might catch the last five minutes of it.

Johnson apologist Mark O’Vonner explained the PM’s position. “Apart from horizontal, ha ha!” he quipped. “They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. Everyone loves someone who isn’t there. That’s why Boris is keeping a low profile, his approval ratings are going through the roof!”

The Soleimani affair is a case in point, claims O’Vonner. “It’s best in such instances to keep out of sight,” he said. “If there is nothing you can say to improve matters, it’s better to say nothing at all. Boris has better things to do with his time than to criticise President Trump or to turn up in parliament.”

Experienced Boris watchers agree that building a bridge from Number Ten to Westminster might be enough to tempt him out of bed and into work a little more often. So when he arrives, several hours late, bleary and tousled from a long morning’s trysting, he can quite literally take the high ground, and be hailed as a hero.

Even better if parliament installs a nice handy fridge in case any of the questions are a bit tricky.

Can’t Be Bothered – Johnson employs lookalike to be prime minister until the next GE campaign

DOPE EL BANG ER : A 10 Downing Street source has confirmed today that bored prime minister Boris Johnson has employed a lookalike.

“They will play the part of being Boris Johnson, joke prime minister for Little Ingerland, just until the next general election campaign,” the Downing Street source confirmed, in a statement as reliable as any lately.

The reasoning behind the surprising move on the part of the eternal boy king is believed to not be out of any concern for Mr Johnsonov’s personal security.

“He’s well tight with international kleptocratic clique currently running the majority of English speaking democracies, you dig?” the source elaborated, “he just can’t be arsed to do the job. Having to cut short his poontang session in Mustique was a serious drag man. Hey, do you think my boxers should be showing more or less above my trousers? Yo? Don’t tune me out daddy. I’m a hard source. I’m the man who runs the man.”

We left the Downing Street source to it at that point.

LCD Views would like to congratulate the prime minister for the original thinking behind the move.

“It will keep the creative industries thriving even after Brexit,” a Brexit specialist commented, in between grating their nose with a cheese grater, “we don’t think the lookalike needs to look that like Mr Johnson. They just need a smattering of misunderstood classical references and a smirk. Oh, and be able to use their arms in a distracting way at times of crisis. Any minor talent can play the role. Good luck to them.”

But Mr Johnson will return when it’s time to campaign in another general election. Be it this year, next or actually when the UK is a complete bin fire of neoliberal, greed is good crap in 2024. Should this administration of chancers stagger that far.

After all, when it comes time for Boris to just be Boris, only the original idiot will do.

Nigel Farage publishes his home address in the hope of receiving a knighthood

A knight to remember? Flip-flopping Brexit numpty Nigel Farage, disappointed that his name is not on the leaked honours list, has added his details in the hope that an honour will follow.

“My name should be right up there!” coughed an irate Farage through a cloud of fag smoke. “After all, Brexit was my idea, my big plan, and would have been an outstanding success if only I had been appointed to take charge of the process!”

It’s unfortunate that Nige never managed to get elected to parliament, or he might have had a chance to influence matters.

“I would have been an independent consultant, free from political influence,” he added. “I’m the People’s Politician, you should see the crowds that flock to see me wherever I go!”

So should you, Nige. Your Great Gammon Army must number at least fifty, and that’s when Wetherspoons isn’t open.

“I’m the great Brexit crusader!” he claimed. “I’m making Britain great again, all on my own, with very little help from American money or dodgy Russian businessmen!”

We ask remember your Great Brexit crusade, Nige. The scantily attended one where you gave up after a mile or two.

“So I’m adding my name and address to the list,” he concluded. “So The People can come round mine to protest on my behalf while I’m away sunning myself in the Caribbean. Like Brexit, it’s as good as done!”

LCD Views naturally wanted to speak to his supporters, so we went round his house to test the mood of his fans.

“We’ve been here since 3am!” said one protestor proudly. “Haven’t we, Derek?” she said to the other.

“Yes, we always look forward to the sales, don’t we, Barbara?” Derek replied.

“No, we want that Nigel Farage chap to get a knighthood, that’s why we are here,” Barbara retorted.

“Bollocks to that, I’m off to Spoons, you coming?”

“All right then,” she said, and the entire protest trudged away sadly.

We can only surmise that Nigel’s knighthood got lost in the post.

Millions of social media bots knighted in New Year’s Honours for services to democracy

ARISE SIR STACEY123456789 : About time too! This year’s Honours List has some welcome, and long overdue, names as millions of social media bot accounts are to be rewarded with knighthoods.

And it is not just the bot accounts that are seeing their services acknowledged. Paid trolls and even some individual personalised, micro-targeted political ads are getting gongs.

“Few have done more to advance the cause of Brexit than Maxkleptocrat15675,” a Downing Street source recognised, “whether it’s repeating ‘you lost, get over it” fourteen thousand times in reply to questions relating to just in time supply chains, or lately calling for unity now that Brexit is done, it’s time St George flag profile Max, loves ‘random minor football team, free speech, veterans and puppies’ was rewarded. He’ll be scrubbed and set to work on the Trump2020 campaign shortly. This knighthood will give him extra cred.”

And the knighting of fictional, digital pretend people whose sole purpose is to muddy the waters of political discourse, in order to help a global hard right elite reduce ordinary voters rights to rubble, will drag the monarchy into the modern age.

“Clearly the Queen isn’t going to be able to physically knight them,” the source admitted, “so we’re designing an emoji they can put in their profiles to show they’ve been gonged. Why don’t you enter our exclusive online competition with your own design?“

Sounds great! How about a pile of 🔥 📚? Or the name of that famous how to guide, 1984?

“Fantastic ideas. But enter them on the website please. Just be sure to fill in all the innocent data harvesting info first 😇. I can’t tell you how happy I am that the last parliament did sod all about making our democracy secure against modern threats to democracy or my friend Truthmattors345678 wouldn’t be getting a gong!”

Frenchman who got “The British Guide to Politcial Protesting” for Xmas hospitalised after breaking rib

WAIT FIVE YEARS AND TRY AGAIN : Cross channel relations are at a low ebb today and not because of Brexit.

Well, not entirely.

The cause of the latest trouble appears to be the decision to publish French translations of “The British Guide to Political Protesting” and make them available for purchase before Christmas.

Initially it was thought the furore was a result of the insult of the translation. It’s well known that all French people speak and read English, but just a lot choose not to.

To patronise in this way by a publisher based in a country famous for sending tourists abroad with a megaphone shouting “DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?” to people with a different native language appears not to be the issue. Although it maybe salt, it’s not the wound.

We phoned up our Paris correspondent to learn more.

“The French health service is better funded and better politically valued than the NHS,” Mr Englishman said, “especially with the current overriding politically driven UK government policy of publicly pretending to want to provide a national health service while actually carrying on like wood lice burrowing through the floorboards.”

We know we this already. What’s the new problem?

“The problem is the publication of the guide has put an unprecedented strain on French A&E departments as unwitting French persons receiving the book for Christmas read it and injure themselves laughing.”

Chapter Headings such as, ‘Wait Five Years While You’re All Corralled Into Fascism and Hope to Vote Again” and “One polite protest every six months will do it” while the UK is being intentionally and systematically dismantled democratically have caused mass outbreaks of broken ribs and streaming tear ducts.

Perhaps if enough people had decided enough was enough when evidence of criminality in the EUref came to light the guide book may have been less dangerous.

Government says “stop getting upset over photo ID for voting, we’re not having anymore elections anyway”

1,000 YEAR HEIST : Downing Street have moved to pour oil on waters troubled by the proposed law on mandatory photo ID for voting.

Speaking to themselves, online bots and the braying jackasses that blithely voted for them to rule forever, in spite of their leader being in a fridge, a source moved to reassure anyone who doesn’t want to live in an autocracy.

“You can just calm down now,” the source soothed, “the con job is complete. We have taken back control of the country for as long as we want and there’s not a God damn thing you can do about it. There were things you could do about it. But.”

But as we don’t have a written constitution that sets out maximum term limits for a government, we’re now reliant on their good graces.

“We’ll be amending the fixed term parliament act to state an election will be held every ten years sometime next summer when Brexit isn’t getting done,” they continued, “probably for 10 years, maybe 100, maybe 1,000? Who can say. We haven’t made it up yet. It will depend on the economic conditions at the time.”

But surely the voters must have a right to pass judgement on your governance?

“Holy shit. Do you really believe that? Jesus wept. How naive are you? Oh my God. Get out of here. No. No. That’s over now. The UK is now a managed democracy for at least the next one thousand years. Ha! Enjoy your servitude as I’ll enjoy my tax haven. Ha! Ha! Ha!”

Well I don’t think people should be forced to get voter ID. The only serious electoral fraud is by those in and close to government.

“Yeah. Yeah. Good luck. Stop fretting over it. We’re not having anymore elections anyway.”

Global Britons. Is this what you voted for?

Labour told elect a Northerner to win voters back from famous Northerner Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson

FLAP CAPS AND FERRETS AND VICTORY : LABOUR COMMENTATORS ACROSS THE SOCIAL MEDIA MEGASPHERE have been fast with the megaphone advice to the party over what sort of leader could reverse their decline.

“Clearly we need a northerner,” one busy body revealed, “we didn’t lose our voters in swathes across the North and Midlands because Jeremy Corbyn was as good as leader as Dominic Raab is a navigator. It’s because his accent was wrong. Otherwise it’s obvious the voters would have trusted him to lead them through the dark. He seems so certain of his direction. Just his bloody London accent!”

‘appen!

“And we didn’t lose millions of voters because we spent years refusing to comment coherently on UK politics all consuming issue, Brexit, and then finally unveiled a two-facing policy that promised to drag the issue on for ages. While famous Manchurian Boris Johnson was simply promising to get it sorted. We lost the voters because Jeremy Corbyn was never once pictured with a ferret. Unlike Boris Johnson.”

Eh?

“And so it’s obvious. The voters in the North and the Midlands want a Northerner or at least someone from Watford. That’s where the north begins. Everyone commenting from London knows that.”

Flippin’ eck!

“Personally I’ll call up Geoffrey Boycott and see if he’s free for the next five years. He’s loved by everyone and his reputation for leadership and concern for others is second to none.”

Open the window, someone’s guffed a big one

We here are LCD Views would like to commend the people offering the advice. Jeremy Corbyn didn’t lose because he came across about as useful as a chocolate teapot. He lost because he didn’t speak in a northern accent, unlike the famous fridge fancier Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson.

But we do have just one word of advice.

Next time you’re faced, as the official opposition, in a hung parliament with a government that is determined to ignore all incidents and evidence of electoral crime and dark money fuelled, micro-targeted social media manipulation, maybe call it out?

The centre and left of it have been very busy being all right about everything the last few years. The ruthless syndicate now installed in Downing Street has been busy pursuing an ‘ends justify the means’ strategy, and now they have their end and we need someone to unify the opposition and take them on. Fast. And it doesn’t actually matter in what accent they do it.

We’re headin’ to the dale for a walk, are ya comin?

You wot mate?

Labour Party sets date to elect its first leader in nearly five years

NATURE ABHORS A VACUUM : AS THE ATOMIC FALLOUT of last Thursday’s general election settles in a thick blanket across the country there’s welcome news from the official opposition party.

“Labour are having a leadership election,” a source inside the party told LCD Views, “we’re really excited. We’ve been without a leader for almost five years. And given that Boris Johnson now has an eighty seat majority in the HoC, and is certain to start tearing at all the checks and balances, safety nets and ladders, we better get a wriggle on.”

But while many greet the news with approval, and no small measure of excitement, some are worried that the party may intentionally choose someone no one will like, outside of the party. Because what the voters think doesn’t really matter. It’s about purity of essence, Mandrake. It’s about winning the argument, in your own mind at least.

We here at blowhard dad central have a handy (initial) guide for how to get it right.

  1. Elect someone who will oppose a ruinous, hard right, disaster capitalist project, the mandate for which was won with the involvement of electoral crime in an advisory poll wedded to gallons of snake oil, and not someone who will think, fantastic, maybe if we’re cunning enough we can turn it into Lexit!

    You may not have had to worry about losing your leave voters so much if you hadn’t spent over three years validating the project.

    Next time, choose someone, who seeing a whole array of weapons being handed to them by the government, will decide to use them.

    Years of fence sitting, so as to appeal to a split electorate, but while also morally validating your opponent’s project by pretending you can turn it into something magic, guess what, that’s not leadership. Voters look for leadership. Pick a side and fight it. Or your voters may go to the other side.

    The constructive ambiguity also allows a vindictive media to paint you how they want people to see you. You’ve intentionally made a void and expected your enemies not to fill it?

  2. Elect someone unlikely to say comrade, ever. You want to win back your disaffected working class, patriotic swing voters. If there is ever another general election.

  3. Don’t pick someone who seems happy, or oblivious, to his/her activists telling any supporters raising concerns to f off and vote for the other side. They may just get fed up enough to do it.

  4. If you’re going to endlessly list the long list of obstacles and biases working against you, maybe look to build friendships with other parties and make common cause against your common foe?

    The enemy of my enemy and all that…if other parties are offering you an electoral alliance for a one off event, like a general election, swallow your pride and do it.

    5. Choose someone who actually wants to be prime minister.

Good luck. Your country needs it.

MODUS GAMMONRANDY – “I only said racist things to get elected”, says Boris Johnson

GOLDEN DUMP : Newly returned English prime minister Boris Johnson has spoken out today to reassure voters over all the racism.

“It’s just a tool,” he explained, “you can either target the progressive swing vote to win an election or the gammon. Progressives are too busy being right and won’t coalesce easily. Gammon will easily mould into one sweaty, salty lump. Much easier to mobilise. Gobble. Gobble. Yum.”

But while an explanation of his MO was welcomed, it didn’t reassure anyone worried about all the racism, but.

“Oh, that’s real. But it’s equal opportunity racism. If you’re not me, you’re worth less and deserve the prejudice. But you see, where Labour went wrong, was they picked the wrong racism to be branded with. Why do you think I predominately target non-white groups? Think about the swing vote that’s given me a majority so large publications like this one will soon be outlawed under laws to do with respecting the government?”

https://mobile.twitter.com/lukepagarani/status/1205487970897342464?s=21

Whether or not he will continue in this way, now he has complete control of the country, isn’t clear.

“It depends on the day and what I perceive to be in my self interest. Good thing I’m a narcissist or I’d worry about the harm my words cause to ordinary people on the street, but”

As to the rest of us? We can distract ourselves with the food riots that will follow getting Brexit done.

“You won’t be wringing your hands over my racism when you’re basting a rat! Global Britain! What ho! We’re the chosen people, don’t you know.”

Boris Johnson has nightmare about horror ballot card on eve of Dec 12th GE

X MARKS THE BLOB : A British man is reportedly in a weak and wobbly condition today after suffering from a horrible nightmare during the night.

The man, father of an indeterminate number of children, has been described by locals as an autocratic mop of spaff, bad intentions, desperate insecurities and fascist leanings and is said to have woken screaming next to someone’s wife, or his younger mistress, or a rescue dog that’s been gaffer taped to his leg, or just a big wine spill on a sofa.

“It seems he was dreaming about a fantasy ballot card,” a source inside the home told LCD Views, “and all the choices were unpalatable and he had to choose all of them in his dream. That is why he woke up. He couldn’t face the rest of the dream.”

Although other people, who have known the man for some time, say it sounds like he got away lightly.

“There are so many other boxes that could have been on the ballot paper. His career and personal life is an endless train wreck for other people. And his promises aren’t worth dirt. It’s all starting to mount up. Oh, and he’s happy to risk the breakdown of the actual UK to feed his ego and to fuel racism and race based attacks on the streets. All up it’s a walking, talking bucket of sick with ruffled hair.”

But in spite of the nightmare it is believed he has already voted in the general election, being held today, although curiously not in his home constituency of Uxbridge and South Ruislip.

“That’s because there were no fridges available in the area that are big enough to hide in in case he gets scared,” the insider explained, “he comes across all tough, but he’s really just a little spoiled brat.”