Donald Trump to stand in for Johnson at PMQs

MAKE PMQs GREAT AGAIN: The American-born blond buffoon supposedly in charge of the UK is self-isolating, conveniently enough. So in his place this week will be the American-born blond buffoon supposedly in charge of the USA.

The covid restrictions prevent Trump from actually appearing in person. So the exchanges will be conducted over Twitter.

Keir Starmer will issue forensic, searching questions in 280 characters. Trump will reply in deranged block capitals.

The questions themselves will not matter. But that’s traditional for the Johnson administration. And Trump is more than capable of conducting an argument in an empty room.

True to form, Trump is getting his responses in early. In his paranoia he is anticipating personal attacks. “PRESIDENTIAL HARASSMENT!” he boomed. “WE WILL TAKE ON THE LABS, AND WE WILL WIN AGAIN!”

Owning the Labs was only one of his preoccupations.

“MY GOOD FRIEND BORIS IS SICK!” he asserted. “AND HE IS DOING A VERY GOOD JOB INDEED! THE WICKED LEFT SHOULD SHUT UP AND SHOW SOME RESPECT!”

Somebody must have reminded Trump that there is still a pandemic going on, because the rage virtually leaped out of the next offering.

“TRUMP BEAT COVID! COVID BOWS DOWN TO TRUMP! IT’S A HOAX BUT WE BEAT IT ANYWAY!”

And, err, Brexit. It’s still going on, although the British negotiators have barely progressed beyond “You lost, get over it”.

“WE WANT A DEAL, WE WANT THE BESTEST DEAL, AND TRUMP IS THE MAN TO DO THE DEAL!” he boasted in an uncharacteristically lucid manner “BUT THE EU IS SLOW AND UNDEMOCRATIC. SAD!”

Back to standard Trump. What is an ex-American president, who should be packing his bags, doing standing in for the Prime Minister of the UK?

“I WON THE ELECTION!” he screamed, the disbelief palpable. “TRAITORS! TRAITORS EVERYWHERE! WE ARE ON THE SAME SIDE! LONDON IS IN AMERICA! MAGA! MAGA!”

And with that, the tweets stopped. It looks like Starmer might have to battle with the towering intellect of Dominic Raab instead.

Bishop John Sentamu denied House of Lords seat after being informed that there wasn’t space for him to move diagonally

BASHING THE BISHOP: The Upper House is becoming a Crowded House, after being stuffed with ardent Brexiters and members of Boris Johnson’s family. There was so little space that Bishop John Sentamu was denied the traditional life peerage awarded to a retired Archbishop. The reason given was that a Bishop requires space to move diagonally.

This conveniently ignores the fact that the House of Lords is full of Knights, each of whom can only move two steps forward and one sideways at a time. There is also a contingent of old Queens, who can mince in any direction they choose.

The government hastily cobbled together a press release, to head off charges of racism and cronyism. It stated: “Bishop Sentamu will have to be patient until the chequerboard black and white tiled flooring is complete.”

It’s hard to tell whether this makes matters better or worse.

Campaigners are trying to make Bishop Sentamu a pawn in a much bigger game. This is blatant racism, they say, and in making the Lords a practically all-white chamber they only succeed in blackening its name.

There are few shades of grey here. This is a black-and-white issue. Tradition has been broken, as with former Speaker John Bercow. In both cases, men of integrity have been denied a traditional privilege. There is a common thread here: both men are named John.

Johnson good, John bad. Little brother Jo Johnson is secure, rubbing shoulders with other non-entities whose former seat on the backbenches was always going to be the peak of their career.

After all, you don’t hear too many cries of “Johnson out!” Unless you happen to be Jennifer Arcuri, on the receiving end of avalanches of passion, and hearing Bonking Boris’ traditional mating cry.

So the Bishop will have to wait. The whole affair looks like ending in a stalemate.

Downing Street confirms the Office of Prime Minister has been outsourced to Serco

No 10 SERCO STREET : A Downing Street source has confirmed rumours today that the Office of the Prime Minister has been outsourced to multinational test and trace giant Serco. In. Its. Entirety.

“It happened on the 13th December 2019,” the source explains, “the morning after Boris Johnson’s famous “Oven Ready” general election win. Boris was still sleeping off the election night party at his Russian mate’s pad. Someone had to run the country. It was an unprecedented crisis.”

But it seems it was a crisis averted as the corporate stepped forward to offer to take the contract to be prime minister on without tender.

“But it’s incorrect to say it’s just Serco, there’s a drop down menu of various corporation supplying consultants and experts. It explains why the country is rapidly becoming the ghastly, ungoverned shower that you see in the headlines. The profits are huge. But just pay attention to the news cycle and feel immobilised with rage.”

The confirmation does at least make sense of the waste and mismanagement, as is common when the British state privatises services it should do itself, solely in the public interest.

“It really is the peak of trickle down economics,” the source adds, “the money these businesses are taking consulting on how to run the UK will not just trickle, but flood to a variety of bank accounts in low tax regimes. It’s essentially a massive work of international aid development, depending on how you look at it. Especially for chaps that write company names on letterboxes on tropical islands.”

But while the outsourcing itself is uncontroversial, some are quibbling over the lack of penalty and break clauses in massive contracts won without tender.

“They’ll stop asking that once they realise their Serco Social Score is liable to worsen if they don’t shut up. And whatever you do, when you next vote, ensure it’s a postal vote being handled by a mate of the governing Conservatives.”

Plans are also in place to outsource the opposition parties in the UK to private actors.

“It will provide strong and stable government,” the source finishes, “and not the sort of chaos we would have experienced under Ed Milliband. This is why Serco has rehired both David Cameron and Boris Johnson as consultants.”

Cummings to oversee psychological evaluation of Tory cabinet to ensure stable emotional age

IT’S MY TOY GIVE IT : THE UK’S UNELECTED RULER, DOMINIC CUMMINGS, HAS MOVED TO ENSURE STRONG AND STABLE GOVERNMENT IN A TIME OF ENDURING CRISIS.

To do this he needs data, of course, and data he will have.

“The actual data will be the psychological profiles of all the incels in the current cabinet,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “in particular the focus will be on the emotional age of the cabinet members.”

It’s believed a stable emotional age is key to guaranteeing the continuation of a policy platform that has so far seen Global Britain triumph during the Covid-19 crisis in the areas of outsourcing and PPE procurement, while other countries have floundered.

“Some are a little critical that Dom is leading on this, partially because of how busy he is bullying ministers through his SPADS, but also because Dido has got some time on her hands. Now that she’s fixed the test and trace service and palmed it over to some guy who used to be a grocer.”

But lead Dom will do, as he was born to do, especially in the area of avoidance of council tax.

“There could be a reshuffle once the study is complete, as predicted in one of Dom’s 2014 blogs, which he will revise tomorrow to prove it.”

The main criteria will be the emotional age of the subjects.

“Anyone who is older emotionally than Dom and Boris is out,” the source reveals, “which means you will continue to see government by spoiled toddlers, regardless of the physical age of the anointed.”

MPs awarded pay rise to counter rising cost of living caused by the decisions of MPs

NICE WORK IF YOU CAN GET IT : Wonderful news for patriots today with the announcement that MPs are to receive a £3,300 pay rise.

The decision to give them a boost is entirely uncontroversial at a time when the government can be barely be bothered to give nurses a clap.

“Your MPs work tirelessly for the unelected bureaucrat Dom,” a spokesman for Downing Street told LCD Views, “while some MPs rudely question Matt Hancock from the other side of the green benches, and don’t even get me started on the bloody Jocks, the majority of MPs are Tory MPs and they deserve the additional money for not thinking for themselves.”

The money will certainly come in useful. Recent analysis shows that for some completely bizarre reason, since 2016, food costs in the UK are only rising.

“It was the right move to give MPs £10,000 each at the start of the endless disaster that is Covid-19. And it’s the right decision to give them thousands more now when you consider how busy mass unemployment will soon make them.”

What the MPs will do with the extra isn’t entirely clear, given that they don’t have to pay their own mortgages.

They just basically have to do what they are told to by the kleptofascist, international crime syndicate that has taken over the UK by way of a fucked up, dodgy, corrupted opinion poll back in 2016, that our political class should have been trusted to see through and deal with, based on the blood drenched lessons of the major, global conflicts of the 20th century.

But no.

Revolutionary communists, pretending to be socialists, to one side at the time and libertarian nightmares, pretending to be patriots, to the other, now stuck in a kleptocracy with you. Well done all. Have a round of applause.

“And besides,” the source interrupts this newspaper’s enraged diatribe, “the MPs need the pay rise to cope with the rising cost of living caused by the decision of the MPs.”

10pm bar closures don’t apply to Westminster as “MPs govern better when they’re drunk”

HIC : DOWNING STREET has moved to explain the difference in new boozy restrictions, as applied differently to the hoi polli and MPs.

“Have you tried running a country into the ground on the part of right wing think tanks?” a Downing Street source demanded, “it’s all very well to sit there criticising the bald faced hypocrisy of your betters, but have you tried being beholden to shadowy forces and dark money? Makes a man bloody thirsty!”

And thirsty is the prevailing mood amongst the governing class as the twin calamities of a seemingly intentionally mismanaged viral pandemic and Brexit ravage the country.

“You don’t manage a virus with the mental equivalent of improvised dance on a day to day basis while sober. Give me a break. Did you hear about that massive coke haul last week? That’s ruined our post Brexit trade policy in one go. The only place to go is the bar. Drown your sorrows! It’s the British way. No one else on Earth drinks. Did you know that? Hic.”

And the unrelenting torrent of verbal diarrhoea that daily comes out of Downing Street is proof of the efficacy of constant drinking. But why do commoners have to spill out of the pub at 10pm when MPs can just carry on boozing?

“We govern better when we’re drunk,” the source explained, “it’s obvious. Look at our decisions. Good thing there’s 0% tariffs on wine and spirits! Strong and stable governance is assured regardless of what happens with Brexit. And besides, if every MP spilled out of the Westminster bars for their Covid secure, chauffeur driven cars at 10pm it would result in one hell of a muddle!”

Plan to impose border between Johnson and Cummings gets go ahead

WORLD BEATING : THE UN SECURITY COUNCIL agreed overnight a plan to invade the United Kingdom.

The emergency meeting was convened initially just to laugh at memes regarding the state of the place, but soon got onto meatier subjects.

“It was the border in Kent that tipped the scales,” the French representative said, “we honestly do not want Kent to be the Garden of France. Oh my God. We just got rid of Nigel Farage and now Downing Street expects us to govern Thanet? You must be insane.”

The plan to invade, at the earliest possible moment, is said to involve an international coalition of the willing.

“Why people are willing to help out after the way you lot have carried on is a little beyond me,” the USA’s representative said, paused, looked in the mirror, and then added, “on second thoughts invading and imposing a border between Boris Johnson and that completely self-deluded headcase of fiscal and ideological incompetence, Dominic Cummings, will be good practice for when we have to separate Donald Trump from our Supreme Court come November. We’re all in!”

The tangible benefits of the new border should be apparent relatively quickly, especially in the area of the viral pandemic.

“No more herd immunity,” the Japanese representative said with a tired sigh, “we want our staff safe as they pack up our investments there and ready them to move across the channel to sanity.”

The United Kingdom itself wasn’t at the special meeting, as it wasn’t invited, but speculation is rife that it would have agreed to the plan to impose the border, had it been there. Just because its executive clearly no longer has the faintest idea what it is doing.

Statue of Dominic Cummings in the style of Caesar to replace Speaker’s chair in HoC

DICTATOR PERPETUO : THE SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE OF COMMONS, LINDSAY HOYLE, is said to be looking for a new place to sit today after his chair was replaced overnight with a statue of Dominic Cummings.

It’s believed his admonition of Health Secretary, Matt “those men who died on the beaches” Hancock, yesterday was taken as a personal attack on the UK’s tyrant, Dominic Cummings, and a swift response was forthcoming.

“Lyndsay may get an upturned bucket to sit on,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “if he’s lucky. If he’s really lucky it will be in the corridor. If he’s not so lucky it will be attached to a ducking stool under the control of Priti Patel.”

The statue itself is said to be a wonder of classical design and to have Boris Johnson green with envy.

“Boris is mad that he wasn’t commissioned by Dom to make the statue out of empty wine crates. But Dom felt bronze was the right material to use, especially for his neck.”

The replacing of the Speaker will help speed up the business of the House of Commons.

“There’s no chance Caesar Cummings will allow any MPs to speak. Actually it will probably be in all their best interests just to lay cut roses at its feet every morning and pray they survive the purges to come.”

Reports that some cheeky kids from the SNP have already snuck into the Chamber and stuck a standard eye test chart to the chest of the statue have been denied.

“They’re not allowed into Dom’s chamber anymore. So it’s not possible.”

Veni. Vidi. Ego ruit Britannia.

Boris Johnson to take personal control of breaking international law – in specific and limited ways

PARIAH STATES R US : THE PRIME MINISTER OF A SMALL ROGUE STATE OFF THE COAST OF EUROPE HAS ANNOUNCED he is to take personal control of breaking international laws.

“International laws are so old hat,” a spokesman for the shit Churchill impersonator told LCD Views, “there aren’t any of them we like. Specifically though, any that limit Mr Johnson’s personal powers to do whatever the hell he likes, regardless of the consequences for peasants. Like a marriage vow, they’ve got to go.”

The surprising announcement has shocked many, both at home and abroad.

“I don’t know what all the fuss is about?” the spokesman continued, “Vote Leave broke the law and the law lost. We illegally prorogued parliament and were rewarded with a whopping majority at a GE not long after. What exactly is there to be surprised about?”

While that is a fair comment, as there is nothing to be surprised about, some are still expressing surprise that even the word of the British government is not sacrosanct.

“This is the trouble with everyone thinking we’re British nationalists, as if we give a flying shit about the country’s international reputation. We’re going to run this place like a fiefdom, and have some exceptionally relaxed laws around money. Look at all the horrors perpetrated by various regimes around the world? What do we do? We sell them the means to carry on perpetrating horrors. It’s about time we got into the act at home. And if you don’t like it? We will do more of it. Ha! MPs moaning now when they passed the EU Withdrawal Act and gave us sovereign powers. Fools. Dictator for life now. Nice.”

It’s presumed the international community will react to the UK’s decision in specific and limited ways.

An unnamed representative of the EU had this to say,

“We only sell you a third of your food, chunk of your energy, chemicals to clean your drinking water and your Viagra, but sure piss in our faces all day. Sooner or later we’re going to react in specific and limited ways. I’d say from about 1st January 2021.”

Global Britain, we do things in specific and limited ways, because the people just let us.

“I only popped out for a pint of milk” – Chris Grayling explains why he resigned from the ISC

INTELLIGENCE AND SECURITY: World beating government muppet Chris Grayling has come clean about his latest gaffe. The man with the anti-Midas touch managed to turn a trip to the corner shop into a resignation.

In normal times, buying milk for the committee members’ coffee isn’t a resigning offence. But these are not ordinary times. In Brexit Britain, the new normal is where Chris Grayling is thought to be fit to hold public office.

So what happened? LCD Views spoke to the not-so-great man himself.

“I don’t hold grudges,” he started. “But now, that chappie, Julian, err, Calendar…”

You mean, Julian Lewis, the ISC chair?

“Yes, he took my job,” he sniffed. “The one Boris Johnson promised me. Well, as I said, I don’t hold crutches…”

Grudges?

“Yes, yes, as a matter of fact I only agreed to sit on the committee out of courtesy,” he continued. “But they didn’t like me sitting on them. So Julie asked me to fetch some milk for the coffers…”

You mean, the coffee?

“Covfefe, yes, even though I like mine black,” he confirmed. “#BlackCoffeeMatters! Not being racist, some of my best friends are racist.”

Moving swiftly on, you went to buy milk?

“It took me an hour or two,” he said. “But at last I found the front door, got out my map, and headed for Tresco…”

It’s a long way to Cornwall.

“No, it was only round the corner,” Grayling confirmed. “Although I’m not sure which corner. Short story long, I got a bit lost, found a door marked ‘Cabinet Office’, went in because you keep drinks in a cabinet don’t you, and you’ll never guess what happened!”

You bumped into Dominic Cummings?

“How did you know?” Poor Grayling was utterly gobsmacked. “I didn’t know he worked in a shop. He was very rude, I only wanted some malt.”

Milk.

“That too,” Grayling admitted. “Anyway he said I could only have it if I signed a nun disclosure agreement.”

I feel sorry for the nuns.

“Only it turned out to be my resignation,” he grumbled. “Cummings lied to me! Who would have thought he was capable of such mischief?”

Who indeed. Fortunately, Grayling emerged from the affair with his reputation intact.