MAKE PMQs GREAT AGAIN: The American-born blond buffoon supposedly in charge of the UK is self-isolating, conveniently enough. So in his place this week will be the American-born blond buffoon supposedly in charge of the USA.
The covid restrictions prevent Trump from actually appearing in person. So the exchanges will be conducted over Twitter.
Keir Starmer will issue forensic, searching questions in 280 characters. Trump will reply in deranged block capitals.
The questions themselves will not matter. But that’s traditional for the Johnson administration. And Trump is more than capable of conducting an argument in an empty room.
True to form, Trump is getting his responses in early. In his paranoia he is anticipating personal attacks. “PRESIDENTIAL HARASSMENT!” he boomed. “WE WILL TAKE ON THE LABS, AND WE WILL WIN AGAIN!”
Owning the Labs was only one of his preoccupations.
“MY GOOD FRIEND BORIS IS SICK!” he asserted. “AND HE IS DOING A VERY GOOD JOB INDEED! THE WICKED LEFT SHOULD SHUT UP AND SHOW SOME RESPECT!”
Somebody must have reminded Trump that there is still a pandemic going on, because the rage virtually leaped out of the next offering.
“TRUMP BEAT COVID! COVID BOWS DOWN TO TRUMP! IT’S A HOAX BUT WE BEAT IT ANYWAY!”
And, err, Brexit. It’s still going on, although the British negotiators have barely progressed beyond “You lost, get over it”.
“WE WANT A DEAL, WE WANT THE BESTEST DEAL, AND TRUMP IS THE MAN TO DO THE DEAL!” he boasted in an uncharacteristically lucid manner “BUT THE EU IS SLOW AND UNDEMOCRATIC. SAD!”
Back to standard Trump. What is an ex-American president, who should be packing his bags, doing standing in for the Prime Minister of the UK?
“I WON THE ELECTION!” he screamed, the disbelief palpable. “TRAITORS! TRAITORS EVERYWHERE! WE ARE ON THE SAME SIDE! LONDON IS IN AMERICA! MAGA! MAGA!”
And with that, the tweets stopped. It looks like Starmer might have to battle with the towering intellect of Dominic Raab instead.