Dominic Cummings promises that Boris Johnson will resign in six months

WHAT’S THE RUSH DOT COM : THE UK’S prime minister, Dominic “contempt of parliament” Cummings, has made a firm commitment to the people who voted to be ruled by an unelected bureaucrat in Durham, not Brussels.

“Unlike the tyrannical, super state across the ENGLISH CHANNEL, we are now a healthy, hereditary democracy,” Mr Cummings wrote on his blog (while also amending a post from 2012 that predicted the Olympics’ opening ceremony would feature men dressed as knights, with St George crosses on their shields, and nothing else).

Thereafter several thousand words followed, most of which attempted to compare Mr Cumming’s driving skills, even while blindfolded, as equal to famous Chinese rally driver Tsun Zu’s.

Eventually he cycled back to the point he began at.

“Mr Johnson will resign his seat at the forthcoming 2020 December General Election. He will thereafter serve as my SPAD, after I am elected with an overwhelming majority in the seat of Uxbridge and South Ruislip. This will ensure a smooth transition of power from me to me, with Mr Johnson still worn as the fig leaf over my engorged, sociopathic member.”

But critics have leapt on the assertions and demanded to know how Mr Cummings can predict the future so confidently, when he failed so completely to prepare the UK for the Covid-19 pandemic he claims to have foreseen coming?

In response we imagined an honest reply.

“Who controls the voting system in the House of Commons? Who runs the postal voting system? Who is about to redraw the constituency boundaries? Who has failed to release the Intelligence Report into Russian Interference in UK Democracy? Who took the UK out of the EU based on a ‘mandate’ from an advisory referendum so corrupt, had it been legally binding it would have been quashed and re-run? Need I go on. Some things are just a foregone conclusion.”

Dominic Cummings allows Queen to exercise in Buckingham Palace gardens

REAL MEN DON’T LOOK BACK AT EXPLOSIONS : THE UK’S HEAD OF STATE, DOMINIC “CONTEMPT OF EVERYTHING” CUMMINGS has made a pleasing gesture towards his government’s ceremonial figurehead.

In an announcement earlier today he said he will allow the shambling haystack that fulfils the role of puppet prime minister out to play. He will be however confined to an area with limited chance of meeting a member of the public, so as to avoid spontaneous booing, and somewhere where a close eye can be kept on him, even if he thinks no one is watching.

“Boris is like a puppy,” a spokesman for 10 Downing Street’s chief told LCD Views, “he’s full of boundless energy. If we don’t let him burn some of it off he starts chewing people’s shoes and the housetraining goes right out the window. Currently slinking away and pulling waitresses is not possible, we’ve decided to let him out to run about. Now and then. In the hope he doesn’t hump the beanbags.”

The exercise will be off leash due to the good security and high walls of Buckingham Palace.

“There’s no way he could climb over them. Not in his condition.”

As to whether or not there were any targets for the exercise, steps or miles etc, we decided to ask the holder of the once powerful, but now symbolic role, of prime minister himself.

“Woof. Woof! Grrrrrr. Woof!”

We wiped the slobber off, had the response translated and discovered he said,

“Oh, I’m not allowed to set any targets anymore, that’s for my owner to do.”

Hundreds of Conservative MPs discovered in the dungeons at Barnard Castle

Don’t look now: following hot on the heels of news that MPs’ spines are kept in a Westminster vault, comes the discovery of the MPs themselves. They have been locked away in the cells in Barnard Castle, where a close eye could be kept on them.

Lockdown means lockdown, and in such strange times both the population and the message must be tightly controlled. To facilitate this, all Conservative MPs lacking the initiative to think independently were asked to volunteer for social distancing. Stay home, stay safe, was the message.

An Englishman’s home is Barnard Castle, writes the soothsayer Nostracummings. Thus persuaded, the MPs willingly surrendered their freedom, and their Twitter accounts, and went into isolation.

In order that government could still take place, the isolated MPs were permitted to join in with Zoom conferences from their cells. Unfortunately, Barnard Castle is a bit of a WiFi blackspot. The cell phones refused to connect, so the imprisoned heroes were obliged to revert to pigeon post. It is entirely wrong to read anything into the Cummings family’s fondness for pigeon pie.

Barnard Castle is fast becoming a place of pilgrimage. It is here, on the Road to Durham, that the scales fell from Saint Dominic’s eyes. He was able to see the way forward clearly at last, which is fortunate because some trickster had pinched the sign pointing the way to London at junction 61 of the A1(M).

This miraculous conversion, to the Broad Church of Caring Conservatism, meant that Saint Dominic, following His instincts as a Father to His flock, undertook the dangerous missionary journey to The North. There He ensured that the subdued members were sufficiently underfed.

The noble Saint allegedly made this journey on five subsequent occasions, but kept this quiet so as not to boast about His charitable nature.

It’s time to move on. The canonisation of Saint Dominic, the Apostle of Herd Immunity, is the real story here.

Boris Johnson to choose between devil and deep blue sea

Better the devil you know: Lockdown means lockdown, unless you are the Prime Minister’s Very Specialest special advisor. However, defending “Classic” Dom Cummings means fatally undermining the government’s message. Who to choose? Devilish Dom, or the deep, uncharted waters of Shit Creek?

Johnson is going to have to paddle hard.He is in the worst possible bind he could imagine. Johnson is going to have to make a decision on his own.This must be the first time in his pampered existence that he has not had anyone to tell him what to do.

He can’t listen to Dom this time. Even Johnson must know that a line has been crossed. But it is a big decision. Who to throw under the bus? The architect of his Great Victory, or the mass of braying cheerleaders, and in fact the entire foundation of British Democracy? Dither, Delay, Indecision.

It has come to this. Hundreds of loyal, if misguided, Conservative MPs, including cabinet ministers, rushed to defend Classic Dom. But defending Dom means destroying the government’s message. So. Devil. Deep Blue Sea.

Take Back Control? They have totally lost control.

What will Johnson do? This is where strong leadership counts. LCD Views’ Number Ten mole, Liv Inahole, has the latest gossip.

“It’s bedlam, quite frankly,” she reports. “Nobody knows their arse from their elbows. I am extremely glad that I don’t need the toilet.”

Where are they meeting? What is being said?

“They are meeting in the kitchen,” replied Inahole. “That’s because that is where the fridge is. I hear that the Prime Minister has barricaded himself in behind the cheese and the random bottle of relish that went out of date in 2013.”

Is there any progress?

“None,” she said. “Everybody has totally lost their shit, the fan is covered in the stuff, and Dom is doing his nut.”

Time for Boris to take the plunge.

Call me a bully, and me and my mates will beat you up, says Priti Patel

Pick on someone your own size! Bullying is Priti appalling, and our leaders should set a good example and at least pretend not to do it.

Our revered Send ‘Em Home Secretary is at the forefront of this initiative. She intends to literally stamp out bullying by sending the boys round to anyone who accuses her of being a bully.

“It’s the only language these people understand,” explained Patel in her Home Office dungeon, the light glinting off her PVC dominatrix outfit. “Throwing accusations around doesn’t help anybody, least of all me.”

She tapped the baseball bat against her palm in a gentle, yet unmistakeably threatening manner.

“My loyal task force are ready to rebut any allegations, however truthful,” she smirked, fondling the selection of whips at her whip hand. “Their motto is, use as much task force as necessary.”

How do you respond to reports that you personally have insulted and belittled your staff, so much so that they became suicidal?

“These people need to be taught a lesson!* she growled, her eyes flashing dangerously. “Spot! Fido! Heel!”

Two men crawled out of the shadows and knelt obediently at her stillettoed feet.

“You heard!” she commanded. “Find them! Bring them to me! Succeed, and you may have some scraps from my table. Go!”

She advanced, menacingly. “Nobody badmouths Priti Patel without suffering the consequences,” she hissed. “It doesn’t matter whether they are an environment ministry drone or a puffed-up bureaucrat. Me and my mates will, erm, persuade them never to do it again. And some of my goons, I mean friends, are very persuasive indeed.”

She casually fondled a knuckleduster. “Don’t you dare quote me on that!” she whispered with barely concealed malice. “Now, hand over all your devices and rhdhgwabjhgsCHTSb….”

LCD Views’ Behind The Bike Sheds correspondent has not been seen for several days now.

Public poll reveals that the most popular name for Johnson junior is Baby McBabyface

Democracy is everything! After the news broke about the prime ministerial baby, opinion polls went into overdrive to choose a name. The clear winner, with almost 52% of the vote, was Baby McBabyface.

Some say this is a stupid babe for a baby. Others argue that the name of a baby is nothing to do with the public. A few remainery types suggested that the full facts of the matter were concealed, so the vote was meaningless. Clearly the situation required clarification, so a reliably unreliable dissembler was pushed forward to make a statement.

“We don’t have a choice. The People have spoken, and we must respect their decision!” dribbled Michael Gove, casually shedding his skin. “This is a momentous day, in which we celebrate the abdication of all decision making to the Great British Public, while politicians get on with their real job of embezzling tax revenues and shagging tasty blondes.”

LCD Views was sceptical about all this, so we sent our Name Calling correspondent to interview Carrie Symonds.

How is Boris taking it?

“He’s a bit surprised, to be honest,” she said, glowing in a way that only a woman with severe morning sickness can. “He told me it wasn’t possible to have a baby once you are over 50.”

That only applies to the woman.

“Oh…” she replied, her face suddenly falling. “I didn’t know that!”

What about the sex?

“It’s wonderful, he’s so passionate and… Oh. You mean the sex of the baby, don’t you? Well, it doesn’t matter yet, they don’t start having sex until they are in their teens anyway.”

What about the public choice of Baby McBabyface?

“Oh, it’s wonderful, it’s unique,” she gushed. “I love it! I’m not sure about Boris, though. He goes around muttering things like ‘Chlamydia’ and ‘Syphilis’. I don’t like that sort of old-fashioned name, it’s the sort of name Jacob Rees-Mogg would choose.”

At this point both Carrie and our correspondent went to throw up.

Don’t be surprised if they eventually name the child Sir David Attenborough.

Blonde man hearing about cabinet reshuffle for the first time

PMINO : A details light, ethically shabby, middle aged blonde man, described by some as a senior British politician, is said to be bemused after learning about yesterday’s cabinet reshuffle, for the first time.

“He took yesterday off,” an aide to the man told LCD Views, “he figured he deserved a long weekend, after all the hours he’s been putting into YouTube videos.”

And it was while he was relaxing that the reshuffle occurred.

“Apparently some unelected guy who hangs about the workplace decided to completely overhaul the British government,” the aide continues, “That’s cool. Who cares? It’s not that important who is technically head of departments anyway. The blonde man makes all the decisions, the others are just there for photographs. Well, at least the blonde man thinks that. He makes the decisions after the unelected guy convinces him they’re his decisions,

“I think the unelected guy, he dresses like a 90’s boy band member, I think he’s actually running the government. Not that it matters anyway. He tried to set up an airline in Russia once. That failed. But he’s doing great at government. He managed to replace the Chancellor, a moral void, he replaced him with an even younger void. That’s some governing right there.”

But what if the blonde man doesn’t like the changes?

“Ha! And? Wow. What’s it matter? He’s got Brexit done now, apparently, he’s kinda surplus to requirements. He’s just there now for appearances. The real decisions are made by the unelected guy, and sometimes, the blonde guy’s girlfriend. Democracy lost, get over it.”

Government pledges £105bn to bury Intelligence Report on Russian Interference in British politics

HIGH SPEED PHEW : Boris Johnson’s government is wasting no time in levelling up the political landscape into one giant soggy bottom, scandals and mysteries, secrets and lies buried in each crevice and crease.

To this end they have pledged an additional £105bn to bury the Intelligence Committee Report into Russian Interference in British Politics as deep down from the country’s newspapers’ front pages as possible.

“Miles and miles of HS2 should do it,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “and phew! It’s amazing how the political class in this country allows us to get away with it. The report was cleared for release before the December 12th election, old Boris delayed it, everyone in positions of power, except old Grieve, just sucked that up. He said he’d release it in January. Where’s January? Been and gone! Ha! Got Brexit Done didn’t we. The two things are in no way connected.”

What is in the report remains under speculation. It’s possible all it details is just how riddled with Kremlin linked cash the Tory Party is. No biggie. But having everyone wonder about it is distracting. It could even be delayed, just like the inevitable service on HS2, to keep everyone distracted from the rolling train crash that is Brexit.

Who knows.

We’d know if they released it.

“Don’t be silly,” the source chided, “to release the report would be the actions of an accountable government. And for Mr Johnson accountability is the one thing he’s most afraid of. You wouldn’t want to hurt his career now, would you? Not now he’s grasped his most wanted political prize and has no idea what to do with it.”

Yes. We would. We’d like to live in a functioning democracy again. Where’s the report?

“You know already. It’s under the miles of unlaid HS2 track. Or perhaps in the footings of a giant bridge to Ireland.”

UK celebrates taking back control from BRUSSELS by letting Johnson’s girlfriend choose its CHANCELLOR

TAKE THAT JUNKER IN YOUR BUNKER : The United Kingdom continues to burnish its cred as the MOTHER OF PARLIAMENTS in week two, post Brexit, not really Brexit [transition].

“Boris Johnson’s girlfriend-mistress-SPAD-virility prop with intriguing links to Russia is deciding who is Chancellor,” our source inside 10,11,12 and 14 Downing Street reveals, while having no idea what’s going on in Number 13. “Although that’s put his best mate Dom in a real foul mood yeah, and he’s saying Bojo Al pal, bros before garden tools man.”

Of course the real victim in all this is The Saj. Not only has he had to suffer being defenestrated by the mad blogger Cummings, now he’s got to wait until late in the week to see if his friend Carrie’s pull with the chief is sufficient to stop him being shuffled.

“It’s not just The Saj who is on tenterhooks,” the source continues, “according to the Mirror article used as the basis for this entire article, whoever the hell Ben Wallace is, he’s got the same anxiety dream while waking.”

What Brussels makes of this no one knows. But what we do know is that Global Britain is going to do things its own way. And that way is a mentalist’s ménage à trois in Downing deciding in a psychological game of twister who fills the UK’s great offices of state.

Talk about being governed by unaccountable, unelected elites. Not that Boris cares, he’s too busy in the basement designing another bullshit bridge.

#GlobalBritain, it’s a brand. Already soiled.

Smell the glove.

David Cameron offers to organise referendum on re-unification for Ireland after general election

ONE MAN AND HIS SHED : The man judged responsible by modern historians as the founder of the modern British state (of it), David Cameron, has offered to assist Ireland after its general election this week.

“While some of the results are still to be decided,” the internationally renowned holder of opinion polls said, “it’s clear there’s been a sea change in Irish politics. They could do with an Englishman’s help.”

What form the help would take is obvious.

“As Sinn Fein is clearly now one of the big players in the Republic, everyone in Ireland will need an Englishman’s help in making sense of what it means. I therefore propose to organise a referendum for Ireland. And I’ll do it for a modest fee. Given my extensive experience in this area, having interned in referenda in 2016, it’s only fair to receive a small measure of compensation. The book sales of the sequel to my memoir won’t cover my exercise of expertise.”

The problems Ireland are now facing, having voted weirdly, do also show the potential issues any modern democracy will see arise when you don’t give the contract for organising postal ballots in elections to chums of the governing party. But that’s another entirely speculative story.

But what question will Mr Cameron put to the Irish voters, in order to assist with their new direction?

“Firstly I’ll ask who they are. That’s obvious. Who are the Irish really? Does anyone know? Irexit party got less votes than spoiled ballots, whoever that is, so it’s a puzzle they’ll need help cracking.”

And the subsequent question?

“Well, whether or not they wish to re-unify with the United Kingdom before or after Northern Ireland has re-unified with them, that’s clearly the one to answer next.”