Category: Democracy

NO STONE LEFT UNTURNED: The United Kingdom has informed the world’s media today that it is to try not having a prime minister as that’s probably better.

”Just for a while,” an exhausted looking UK said, “to see how it pans out. It can’t be worse? Right?”

It probably can’t. Reflecting on the unending mismanagement and all round shitshow the U.K. has descended into under subsequent prime ministers, Angela Merkel threw her support behind the idea.

”It would give everyone a break?” she shrugged, “I don’t think I’ll be rushing to answer the phone if you do have another one anytime soon. Maybe I could stop by on weekends? You know, look in, make sure you’re getting along alright.”

But the decision to be rudderless has its critics, even though it is in many ways just the status quo. Namely all of the Conservative MPs who are all declaring themselves for the job.

”That’s exactly why I’m doing it,” the U.K. said, “seriously? Just F off and let me get my breath back before you start up again.”

The UK explained its decision doesn’t stop the Tories having their leadership contest, just whoever wins won’t become PM as expected.

”It’s going to be weeks now of complete and utter cretins all over the BBC ranting no deal WTO Brexit is not a problem, we’ll pull the trigger on October 31st if we have to. Winter is a great time for food and fuel shortages anyway. I think we can all do without that, can’t we?”

But what about choosing a PM from a different Westminster party?

”Look, it’s the law of diminishing returns right now and I’m done with it. Check back in a year or two and I’ll tell you if I’m ready to start repeatedly punching myself in the face again? Alright.”

SMELL THE GLOVE : A Tory MP for Somerset has appeared in the Telegraph in a classic leadership photographic power bid.

Nosferatu Rees-mogg (definitely a relation), has served the southwest constituency since the inception of the Tory Party in the 18th century, and he was putting out all the classic symbols that’s he’s in the race for Downing Street.

“It’s unusual for the spread to be in a Friday edition and not a Sunday one,” our Tory Party analyst said, viewing the photos with a sense of impending dread,

“but I guess with May to be sedated and brainwashed this morning, in order to get her to set out her departure schedule without further resistance, he wanted to get a jump on the rest. Well, those that haven’t already declared, which is most of the party.”

What exactly was in the cake though?

”Sunshine. Holy water. Garlic. At least that’s what Nosferatu says. Presumably he wants to quell rumours he’s a bloodsucking vampire and appear trustworthy and wholesome instead.”

The power stance though has come in for criticism, for being too liberal.

”The legs aren’t spread wide enough,” our analyst notes, “whatever your sex, if you’re running to be a leader of the Tories you’ve got to spread ‘em like you’ve a pair of cannon balls swinging down there. This looks more like a couple of rounds of grapeshot. It’s going to count against him when compared with Liz Truss on that toilet seat.”

Other famous party names are expected to declare in the coming days to compete in a very crowded field.

”Al Capone. Vlad the Impaler. The Woman in Black. They’ll all go for it,” our man says, “and of course, Boris the Clown. Whoever wins we can expect a continuation of what we’ve enjoyed since mid 2016.”

GAME OF DRONES : Rupert Murdoch is rumoured to have cancelled a planned visit to the bank to count his money today in order to spend the day deciding who will be the UK’s next prime minister.

”He’s not happy,” a fitness instructor working at the mansion told us on the condition we didn’t print anything, “he’s spent the morning swearing in a heavy Aussie accent. When he goes back to his roots you know he’s cheesed off.”

The planned visit to count money had been in the diary for weeks, with the sale of a large chunk of his mega-empire to mega-empire Disney.

”He’s not a young man anymore, even if Jerry didn’t notice,” the instructor continues, “rude shocks like having to clear your schedule to choose a new governor for an outpost of decreasing importance is about as easy to digest as complex food, like things not soup.”

But clear the schedule he will?

”Yes. But he’s keeping the berating session of his children in. ‘I spent decades building the flaming empire and I can’t trust to leave it in the care of my kids? You’re all bloody drongos!’ That sort of thing.”

But other sources, close to Murdoch’s little sprite Michael Gove, have dismissed the fitness trainer’s insights with a wave of the hand.

”Don’t be silly,” the source scoffed, “he decided who was going to replace Theresa May as prime minister months ago. Today is merely a formality of letting a whole catalogue of Tory wannabes phone up and promise to give him whatever he wants, so long as they get to hold the keys to 10 Downing Street,

“He enjoys the ritual, but he chose your next Prime Minister weeks ago.”

FINAL EXCAVATION : News today is that Theresa May’s is to call an emergency cabinet meeting in Australia, after digging such a deep hole for herself she’s popped out down under.

The meeting, expected to be the fInal of the cabinet under the outgoing (not in the playful and fun loving sense) Prime Minister has been called because of the total revulsion and frenzy of vommitting that was triggered by the PM’s latest insane Brexit gamble. A real political norovirus treat.

“It does help explain a thing or two though,” our Westminster watcher comments, “why she has no bloody clue what’s happening in reality. She’s been tunnelling so deep, with and without her colleagues, nothing intelligent has been able to get through to her.”

The sudden emergence into the great southern continent is expected any moment.

”She’ll blink in the sun and realise she needs to talk to no one at all about how she’s gotten there and what to do next,” our watcher says, “like, don’t bother turning around. Get up. Dust off, just start walking. She should make Sydney by July, if she don’t die of thirst in the desert.”

She is expected to walk alone now as no one is crazy enough to go with her anymore.

”Still, it won’t be a total loss,” our watcher observes, “Australia just had a GE in which the official opposition Labour Party lost, and the leader stood down and called a leadership contest for his replacement. Which in a parliamentary system is what you’re expected to do. So she can take some notes for old Jezza. Not that he’s listening to anyone at all either.”

He may actually be tunnelling right besid her.

”They might emerge together, if tomorrow’s EU parliament election results are as expected.”

HOUSE FALLING ON WICKED WITCH : Reports this evening that the UK’s GIF printers are working furiously to stockpile Wizard of Oz themed GIFS for the moment Theresa May is finally forced to quit.

“I ANTICIPATE BY THIS TIME NEXT WEEK I’LL BE A MILLIONAIRE!” Mr Fhew Secconds shouted at us from his factory floor, “We’re going to sell out in seconds across all social media platforms. PASS THE GREEN INK POT THERE PLEASE! There’s a good lad!”

And Mr Secconds isn’t the only GIF business madly preparing to cash in on a change of leadership. At the UK’s premium supplier of sarcastic face memes the presses are running hot too.

”It’s the same at the tiny violin factory,” our report in the southwest says, “ all through the afternoon, as reports surfaced on Twitter of frustrated Tory MPs shouting in private at the prime minister to please just F off, the violin makers got their minature axes and began felling wee trees.”

And fears of a boom and bust cycle in the GIF are definitely over rated, because it seems nailed on that whoever replaces Theresa May will be even more insane.

”That’s my only fear,” one GIF printer told us, “if by some freakish chance one of the younger, remainy, not complete batshit crazy stories replaces May, well, I will have over extended myself in ‘This is fine’ burning house memes.”

We think there’s little danger of that, although an outside chance. But so outside it’s halfway up the street.

”Still, I’m sure if that happens Mark Francois will keep us in the pink chopping and cutting up new memes.”

Any moment now, the famous song from the famous film will play on repeat across the land.

”Ding dong…”

HOLD MY BEER DAVE : THERESA MAY is no slouch. She’s already written her memoir of her time as a contender with Dave “Trotters” Cameron for Britain’s worst prime minister.

”I don’t need to spend the average yearly income on a fancy shed to write my memoirs,” a woman claiming to be the UK’s departing prime minister revealed, “I’ve already written them.”

The method employed appears to have been disarmingly simple.

”I just took all the endless vapid sloganeering of nearly three years and put them in a notepad file on my phone and sent it to the printers.”

Smart and efficient, of that there is no doubt.

”Of course I’m going to want to endlessly proof read the draft text, because I can’t help it. What font. What type size. How many words per page. Double spacing here and single spacing there. I’m going to be intimately involved. Heaven help the copy editor if they put something in italics!”

What chapter names will also be chosen in a totally hands on way.

”How I created my own hostile environment. That’s a fat chapter. Endless repetition of meaningless talking points because I treat everyone with contempt. That’s another. That’s actually been adopted as a policy by the official opposition front bench too. Something I’m proud of. It’s going to be a rollercoaster of a ride. We should call it slow but somehow endless death.”

Presumably there will be a chapter on negotiating strategies too?

”Yes. How to succeed against the meek and vulnerable. I know all about that.”

What about how to be a fall guy for a hard right, allegedly criminally compromised political enterprise?

”I’ll deal with that in the chapter titled ‘Nothing else matters but your own day to day political survival’. And let me be clear, however much money it costs, however many lives are ruined, however many jobs are needlessly lost, it’s all dealt with.”

And what’s the catchphrase for the marketing bods?

”Isn’t it obvious?”

Memoir means memoir?

”See! Who said my time in office won’t leave a lasting legacy.”

Oh it’s done that. It’s most certainly done that. We can’t wait to read your broken record, even though we’ve spent years now living it.

GLOBAL BRITONS! GET YOUR MAPS OUT AND YOUR MARKER PENS BECAUSE AUSTRIA HAS JOINED SWITZERLAND ON THE LIST OF COUNTRIES THAT DO NOT EXIST.

10 Downing Street has reacted swiftly today to the news that the Austrian Chancellor has ordered elections, because elected politicians are suspected of being corrupted by foreign interference.

https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.bbc.co.uk/news/amp/world-europe-48320983

“We have lately been receiving queries regarding a non-existent country’s decision to have a fresh ballot because of suspected Russian interference in the electoral process. This has no application in the United Kingdom because the Austria does not exist and we can learn nothing there. So let’s have no more talk about it. Our country is united behind the result of a our rigorously conceived and administered plebiscite in 2016 and all now want the result, whatever it was, delivered.”

But while the stance from our country’s seat of power is adamant that the country concerned does not exist, behind closed doors there are whispers that this is not true and we should extend the hand of friendship and ask for advice.

“John Humphry’s could give them classes on how to handle votes with suspected foreign interference,” an insider told LCD Views, “Rory Stewart could assist as John’s TA. He could tell the Austrians that you just make up the numbers you want to support whatever argument, or outcome, you desire and ignore the foreign cash. This could be done with a series of slides while John shouts BUT THE PEOPLE HAVE DECIDED at the Austrians. It’s pretty straightforward. They’re a small country. It’s no surprise they’ve gotten confused. The mother of parliaments should help out.”

It’s believed cross party talks have now started in secret on how to handle the matter, in case too many people in the UK start not only believing that Austria does exist, but that also we should heed their way of dealing with political corruption, because they do a lot of it.

“Labour aren’t confirming they are talking to Downing Street about how to help out with this, but I have heard that if they are, they are insistent that an election should both be held and not held in the face of foreign interference.”

We at LCD Views say good luck to the Austrians! Even though you don’t exist! And hope we can learn non-existent lessons from your non-existent existence. Thank you.

MAKING A MARK : LCD VIEWS has heard today from a man who is choosing who to vote for in this week’s EU parliament elections based on a colour wheel.

“It’s not an exact science,” he started by telling us, which almost led to us stopping the interview at the start.

“But I figure if I imagine various party colours combined and see what that gives me it helps narrow down my choice for the ballot box this Thursday.”

So it’s not a scientific method then and we can not advocate it?

“What colours combine to make what colours is a matter of fact,” he hit back, “if you’re going to be so sniffy why are you wasting your time interviewing me?”

You asked us to speak to you!

“So? You didn’t have to,” he shrugged, “can we just get on with it?”

Please.

“Okay. So it works like this. I feel a little bit torn about who to vote for so I look at the wheel and imagine the party logo colours mixed together,” he explained, “so if I want to vote for Labour, but I don’t like their leadership’s pro-Brexit policy then I simply imagine Labour red mixed with the colour of the party which most strongly advocates Brexit.”

So red and purple?

“Yes. Which gives you UKIP’s colours.”

Oh.

“I know, right? Same result if you mix red and a lighter blue. You end up at Brexit.”

The colours could be accused of undermining the leader…

“The colours are essentially Tory shills. Even though if you mix blue and blue you get Tory and so Brexit too.”

So what if you want to vote against Brexit? How do you use your method to choose?

“Well, you mix yellow and green you get a yellowish green or a greenish yellow.”

So anti-Brexit and action on climate change?

“That’s right. You just mix in the amount of either colour you like. So that’s narrowed it down to either Libdems, Greens, SNP or Plaid for me.”

This is an excellent method. But what about if you mix Change UK’s black and white?

“You get grey? Which seems to fit. They may need to change their logo for future elections if they want to change the system.”

But doesn’t blue and yellow get your green?

“It did get you moving there between 2010 and 2015. But that all stopped once the yellow was removed. It also got you progressive social changes, well, till the yellow was stripped out. And before you go on about the economics, red and yellow in 2010 was going to get you austerity too. But you would have had orange, which suggests all round it would have been better in the long run. It definitely couldn’t have made purple!”

Well, thank you for your time. I think I’ll use this to decide who to vote for on Thursday.

“I would have thought someone as opinionated as yourself already has.”

You’re right, but this isn’t a party political broadcast, so we’re not declaring what we’re going to do.

VOTE YELLOW OR GREEN OMFG VOTE YELLOW OR GREEN.

“What was all that shouting for?”

Nothing. Thank you for your time. Good luck with your colour wheel.

HOW MANY HATS CAN YOU FIT IN A RING: THE TORY MP FOR MAIDENHEAD is the latest to confirm she will stand for election as the new Tory party leader, when the leadership contest kicks off in June.

“I have to go for it,” she told LCD Views, in an exclusive interview, “I don’t want to be the only Tory MP who doesn’t put themselves forward.”

But why go for the leadership now?

“I want to offer the party, indeed the entire United Kingdom, strong and stable leadership,” the Maidenhead MP revealed, “our country is in crisis. It is deeply divided. I believe I can unify, by building on the outstanding work of the current leader.”

And what to do with the legacy of Theresa May, in the immediate, will be a pressing issue for the next prime minister.

“I suspect she won’t be able to pass her Withdrawal Agreement, prior to being frogmarched out of office by a bunch of swivel eyed nostalgia freaks who dabble in shorting the pound, so I will take up the baton and get it through parliament.”

So a continuity candidate?

“Very much so. In the fullness of time historians will judge Ms May’s premiership properly,” the Maidenhead MP is certain, “right now, she’s a strong woman doing a difficult job with just the right amount of xenophobia.”

But critics within the party have hit out at the Maidenhead MP’s decision to put her hat in the ring.

“I don’t see how she can stand for the leadership when she’s the one standing down?” Lord Tinpot asked.

She’s wearing a false moustache, we informed the peer.

“Oh well, that’s different then. I always wanted Ms May to carry the can for Brexit, so I will support the MP for Maidenhead in fulfilling Ms May’s legacy.”

We’d ask who you will vote for, but unless you’re part of the 0.6% of the UK population that is a member of the Conservative Party, you won’t be asked.

The two main political parties are neck-and-neck in the polls. Both are straining desperately for the lower hand as oblivion beckons.

Neither has realised that Brexit is like a millstone around their neck-and-neck. They struggle through each day, just to wake up where they started. The solution, obviously, is to insist that they, alone, can be trusted with Brexit. The wooden spoon is their ultimate prize.

It is as though Theresa May and Jeremy Corbyn have agreed to go on a day trip to Alton Towers. They both queued up to go on their favourite ride – Oblivion. Only this time, the rollercoaster won’t stop, but will crash, along with their traditional vote.

Traditional voter Mark Withercross gave his opinion. “I have always voted for one of the two main parties,” he said. “But I’m not saying which! It’s a secret between me and the ballot box. Anyway, these days there’s precious little difference between them, is there?”

Good point. So which way are you going to vote in the EU election?

“Don’t know, there’s too much choice, isn’t there?” said Withercross. “A vote for the Brexit Party is a vote for a lazy bugger to do sod all while we pay for them. Chuka and the ChUKs have more party names than policies. So it’s Green,or Lib Dem, or an independent. Bloody hell, there’s a sentence I never expected to say!”

Withercross is typical of many voters for whom their preferred party’s handling of Brexit has forced them to vote elsewhere. Not for them the adrenaline rush of a ride on a fearsome theme park attraction, or leaping off a cliff edge.

All we need now is for Barry Gardiner to claim that winning fewer seats than the Tories is a victory, because the winner is determined by golf rules.

The race for the bottom is well under way. The Tories and Labour are nearing terminal velocity as they tailspin to oblivion.