Party of business confirms today it’s still determined to destroy business

Britain’s political equivalent of Einstein anti-matter confirmed today that she and her chums have “almost finished our experiment to see what it takes to destroy as many U.K. businesses as possible.”

The reassurance came as the ruling party, voiced by the Maybot, but programmed by a dark and merciless trio of Murdoch, Rees-mogg and Foster (not Jodie, the other Foster) ruled out remaining in the definite customs union, or the indefinite, the as yet to be defined by Jeremy “unicorn whisperer” Corbyn, or any other form of customs union which may involve an unpalatable degree of sanity and economic certainty for manufacturing in the UK. As the clock ticks down to doomsday in the U.K.

”It’s vital that everyone understands the lunatics are still in control of the asylum,” the Maybot told LCD Views, “the cuckoos are still flying over the nest. The barbie is still just as short of sausages as it was yesterday and the china shop will not stop being trashed until every plate, every saucer, every bowl of economic competence in the 21st century is smashed to smithereens and on the floor. It’s how either 1% will get richer or the tricky commies will have their decades long desired revolution on the back of disaster forcing revolutionary social change.”

So that dealt with the weekend rumours of a u turn.

”There is absolutely no chance of a u turn from my government,” the driverless driver of the government confirmed, “and you know me when I make my mind up!”

Business welcomed the clarity, especially the Japanese who have placed 40% of their EU investment in the U.K. because of our membership of the EU.

To make their statements clearer we translated it, “we’re almost fed up warning you and we’re about to up stakes and go.

And no, we can’t be bribed as easily as some. We think long term. Something clearly the U.K. does not do since the overwhelming advisory mandate to trash yourself without relent.

And yes, maybe your MSM should report the flow of jobs and investment across the channel that’s already happening and will only accelerate if you stay on your current path. We will be turning it into a flood because we are sane.”

Asked to respond to the government’s determination to destroy British business the party of workers released the current statement,

”We still support the government’s determination to destroy jobs in the U.K. because jobs are the enemy of the workers.

Anything we say one day that sounds differently we are always careful to contradict the next. We are building a fudgberg. Have a taste.”

LCD Views commends the ruling parties of coalition for their clarity and trust a parliament will sooner rather than later put a stop to the travesty governance has become in this United Kingdom.

Downing Street to roll out vans telling remainers to “piss off and live in the EU if you love it so much”

Downing Street is to get back ground it’s been losing to the Windrush scandal and today’s money laundering nightmare, oh and the nearing to collapse of most public services, by rolling out vans telling remainers to “piss off and live in the EU if you love it so much”.

“It’s standard PR work to shore up our base,” Mr F Arce told LCD Views, “especially with the local elections coming up in a couple of weeks in large metropolitan areas. If we don’t remind people just how bigoted a government we are, how unwilling to compromise and discuss differences, then they might get the wrong idea and vote UKIP again.”

It’s believed the move is a timely one, as there is just the faint whiff of a lack of legitimacy building around an administration that seems to turn everything it touches into first grade cow manure.

“We are caring conservatives,” Mr F Arce explained, “we just only care about ourselves and our rich donors. People should remember God put the hoi polloi on earth to be milked till the grave for the benefit of a small number of ‘elite’.”

But surely the use of vans is a bit contentious given all the coverage currently being given to the ‘hostile environment’ policies of former Home Office minister Theresa May?

“We need to get the message across quickly that anyone who relies on facts is a danger to this government,” Mr F Arce explained, “and a danger to the identity politics of anyone so stupid they still support Brexit.”

Mr F Arce we wish you luck.

“Thank you. But just to be clear, the decision to roll out these vans now was taken by the next Labour government. We’re only putting it into action now because we calculate if we target a much less vulnerable group now everyone will think we’ve learned Labour’s lesson for their mistake in the future now.”

10 Downing Street renamed ‘the city of the dead’ to honour all the skeletons tumbling out of the Tory closet

Great news today for fans of rebranding exercises with the announcement that 10 Downing Street has been renamed ‘the city of the dead’ to honour all the skeletons now tumbling out of the Tory closet.

“It was actually my idea before they dumped me out of the back of a van on the M4 last year,” N Timothy Twat told LCD Views, “pretty much everything the government does is my idea. It’s why it’s all genius.”

In order to help people better understand the change the 10 Downing Street gift shop is to start selling postcards with desert and stone themes for less than the alleged price of a brown paper bag containing a bribe to avoid being investigated by tax officials.

“They need to get some camels on the street quickly,” N Timothy Twat said, “and maybe a day of the dead theme carnival dance, which will be a good way of getting past all the skeletons that are tumbling out of the closet. Show everyone how much we embrace the errors the previous government made and how we are fixing what Labour broke between 2010-2016. I’d also like to focus more on hanging things onto our junior colleagues in government during the coalition years. Momentum people salivate at that because they’re so terrified people will fact check and vote Libdem. You can see what an unrestrained, eyeball gouging, human hating mess government was until 2015 now.”

Other measures to best make advantage of the skeletons that are so numerous now in the closet of the prime minister and her colleagues is to invite school groups into 10 Downing Street to play.

“Play with the skeletons,” N Timothy Twat says, “sardines anyone? Go on squeeze in. Just mind the broken femurs, they can be a bit pointy when you’re trying to make room for a money laundering scandal on top of a racist immigration policy, the kind of which national socialists of the 1930’s would have been proud to applaud.”

Scientist reveals Tory government fell seconds after Labour opposed Brexit in alternative, sane universe

A scientist studying alternative dimensions has revealed in the current one under the microscope Theresa May’s Tory government fell seconds after Labour opposed Brexit.

”The alternative reality we have labelled ‘sane’,” Professor B Offin told LCD Views, “our own we currently call ‘F*cking Insane’.”

No surprises at the names chosen then, but what drew you to search for ‘sane’?

”A fairly common feeling,” the professor replied, “for a few years now I’ve been waking up each day and one of my first thoughts when considering our current country and world is ‘you have to be kidding me?’. I decided to do something about it.”

So what have you learned from studying the dimension of the sane?

”That the hostile environment created by the institutionally racist ruling Conservative party only survives because the official opposition, led by Jeremy “principles” Corbyn, is labouring under the delusion they have to back Brexit for various reasons of party first self interest and sod all to do with democracy.”

Interesting. What is the connection?

”Have you forgotten Brexit poster wannabe fascist ruler Nigel Farage’s ‘Breaking Point’ poster unveiled on the day Labour MP Jo Cox was butchered in the street by a far right terrorist?”

No. Never will. I was shocked that wasn’t a major turning point in the EU referendum campaign. That atrocity is Brexit to me. It’s why I resist Brexit however I can. That and many other reasons. I’m ashamed it didn’t resonate with everyone.

”Yes. In the dimension of ‘sane’ it took them a while to wake up to it also. That you can’t be both a principled politician and support the inherently racist and deceptive and ultimately murderous agenda of Brexit.”

So that dimension’s Jeremy Corbyn finally dragged the cobwebs of ideological obsession off his mind and resisted Brexit and toppled the hostile environment Tory government in seconds?

”No. Not Corbyn.”

Then who?

”David Lammy after he beat Keir Starmer in the leadership election that occurred after Labour failed to make significant gains in the May 3rd local elections, because Corbyn was wedded to Brexit.

Of course in ‘sane’ the Momentum activists are still blaming people like you who won’t bow to the lie of Brexit out of a cultish devotion to a messiah figure.”

Oh, so sane is ahead of our dimension in more than one way, but not all.

”Yes. But if we act fast we can catch up. It’s that or Global Britain is going to be a bloody small and much disliked place ruled by the powers of hate.”

House of Commons to feature on Crimewatch special

Television and crime lovers are in for a treat as BBC flagship programme ‘Crimewatch’ is to film a special feature on all the horrible shit the House of Commons has been allowing to happen for years and now the perpetrators are in the spotlight.

“Boris clearly is a wanted man in connection with mass vandalism of cultural life in the U.K.,” presenter Nick Ross, who is returning to film the special, told LCD Views, “also for various criminal violations relating to bus driving. But most of the Commons is charged with pursuing the criminal destruction of the country with Brexit.”

But he’s not alone on the lamb?

”No. Pretty much the entire cabinet is featured as suspects wanted in connection with democratic vandalism and other charges.

A lot of them for just being themselves.

Gavin Williamson for the crime of being promoted beyond his abilities.

Jeremy Hunt for alleged money laundering, on top of slowly and steadily privatisating a national treasure. So mass theft of a public possession.

Michael Gove for theft of a human shell in which to carry out his harmful alien schemes.

Amber Rudd for everything the Home Office is doing. Crime growth. Mass fear, breaking of trust regarding how to treat humans. The list is pretty long. Immigration policy is pretty much a protection racket now.”

We understand Jeremy Corbyn is featured too?

”Yes. Violations of the trade description act as it applies to an official opposition leader. That’s a serious one. He’s supporting Brexit, the criminal reduction of the U.K. for asset stripping. I mean, what the actual…”

But surely Iain Duncan Smith has to feature as public enemy number one?

”He does.”

What crime is he alleged to have committed?

”The crime of being himself,” Nick said, “oh and for impersonating a wheel of cheese. The recreation of that crime is my personal favourite.”

Man stunned after time traveller gives him a book from the future

A man has been left stunned after a time traveller appeared late last night in his study and gave him a book from the future.

“Keir is to spend the day with friends recovering,” Mr A Friend told LCD Views, “he wasn’t overly shocked by the appearance of the space suited visitor from the year 2065, but he was rocked by the contents of the book the time traveller gave him.”

It seems the book, ‘Footnotes in 21st Century British Political History’, was intended as a gift.

“It’s uncertain what the motivation of the time traveller was,” Mr Friend said, “Keir is a little worried that behind the warm smile, the handshakes and the stories about how your house will flush the toilet for you in 2065, there was also a cautionary message.”

The suspicion appears to have been roused by Keir discovering he is written about in the book.

“When the time traveler said, wink, wink, you’re in the book mate, Keir was thrilled and he eagerly opened the tome anticipating a fat chapter on his service as British prime minister from 2022 to 2033, but it wasn’t there! He was shocked.”

Well, what was there?

“Just a paragraph. A few lines about being part of the official opposition that enabled the hard right Torykip destruction of democracy in the United Kingdom in the service of far right tax dodgers, which triggered the actual dissolution of the country itself.”

But that’s not fair, Brexit is a Tory project.

“It is certainly that,” Mr Friend nodded, “but according to ‘Footnotes of 21st Century British Political History’, Jeremy Corbyn three line whipping his MPs to ensure Article 50 was triggered is viewed from the future as a dereliction of duty almost as bad as David Cameron running as fast as he could the moment he realised he’d broken everything.”

Almost?

“Almost,” Mr A Friend nodded, “it seems Keir allowed himself to be carried downstream in the flow of Brexit. The people in the future believe he should have turned around and fought the poo logs flowing to the waterfall cliff edge. You know, stuck by his principles and beliefs like an elected representative is supposed to do.”

That’s a shame. He probably hoped for a more sympathetic place in history.

“People choose their destinies.”

So where does the time traveller live now if the United Kingdom has dissolved? The Republic of Scotland? Ireland or Wales? England?

“No. England is a distant memory spoken about in fables now. The time traveller said he was from the Kingdom of Kent.”

U.K. parliamentary democracy now on milk cartons as concern over disappearance grows

LCD Views is proud to say we have played our part in the search for the missing United Kingdom parliament by successfully campaigning for the Palace of Westminster to feature on the entire country’s milk cartons.

“We had to do our bit,” Orange Searchlight told a late night editorial meeting at the Fudge and Fark, “it wasn’t enough to just shout from the sidelines anymore, we had to scream silently from recyclable cardboard dairy products too.”

Critics at the red tops have seized on the campaign as blatant self promotion, claiming there is no genuine concern for missing British democracy.

But they are wrong. They are traitors. They are enemies of the people.

A freephone number has been included on the inside of the carton so that anyone who spots British democracy can alert the relevant authorities immediately.

“You would have thought with the Cambridge Analytica revelations, coming after all the proven lies of the Leave campaign, the very fact the only people pushing for calamitous structural change to the United Kingdom and its place in the world being proven ideologues, and just well, all the tax dodgers and neo-fascists wanting Brexit would have been enough for parliament to stop pretending it’s run away and come home,” Green added,

“but apparently not. And now we have a prime minister using a long running and incredibly brutal conflict over identity in the middle of England to further tax dodging? Seriously? If parliament won’t come home of its own accord we will have to campaign for the people of the United Kingdom to start using their eyes and ears and find it.”

No reward is being offered for locating parliament because having a functioning, representative democracy is reward in itself.

“Just look at the countries that either lost one or never had it,” Green adds, “and stop buying the f*cking Daily Mail, Telegraph, Express and so on.”

Indeed. Keep your eyes open. You can drag democracy back to the Commons, kicking and screaming if necessary.

Woman to do whatever she likes now until her time runs out

A woman has told LCD Views that she is just going to do whatever she likes now.

”At least until my time in office runs out,” she said, pressing the nails of her left hand so hard into her right she left a mark,

“and oh, I suppose, given how little tax my husband’s company has paid for years, I guess I’ll do whatever I like after too. We’re very rich. Even Brexit will not likely negatively impact on our choices overly much. Which is nice. Because Brexit is going to be an economic disaster. Ha!”

And what about right now?

”I’m dropping bombs right now,” she replied. “bit of the old moral outrage and a bookended event.”

You’ere talking about striking chemical weapons dumps in Syria?

”If you like,” she replied, clenching her teeth so hard you could actually hear one crack, “chemical weapons aren’t like other weapons that Assad and Putin have been using to butcher civilians.

This is why people protest against attacking chemical weapons delivery mechanisms and not the mass bombing of civilian areas.”

It’s rather convenient for you right now too.

”Yes.

The less time spent discussing Jeremy Hunt’s little flat fiasco the better. And don’t get me started on Jaguar.

We are supposed to be able to bribe our way out of the mass negatives of Brexit with patriot cheques and threats.”

Let’s stick to Syria then?

“Thanks. Once you’ve blown up some chemical stuff you can dust your hands off and say job done and go back to just selling bombs to tyrants. You know, the moral high ground.”

You’ve certainly on some sort of high ground, looks more like a precipice to me.

”It’s okay,” the woman replied, “I’ve a parachute just like many of my colleagues on both sides of the floor in parliament. No matter how crap we are at government currently.”

Your hands bleeding. Do you want a band aid?

”Not quite finished yet,” she said, digging her nails in some more, “how do I get out of this office again?”

Dung beetle makes successful lost property claim

Former Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson MP is on the way to a new home underground in the desert after a dung beetle made a successful lost property claim.

”It’s incredibly reckless,” Professor Wish Thought told LCD Views, “quite how the dung beetle expects to drag the bubbly, blonde haired improv artist of British politics into its home is anyone’s guess. I expect considerable damage to the carefully crafted, subterranean dwelling. The oxygen supply will be threatened just for a start as Mr Johnson is currently operating at the level of one big oxygen thief.”

But presumably the staff at the Home Office wouldn’t have processed the dung beetle’s claim if it wasn’t valid?

”Oh, the claim by the dung beetle certainly appears in order,” Professor Wish advised, “it says it lost Mr Johnson on a night out while he was just a small turd, and he just kept rolling about unguided in chumocracy crap and is now of course the mountain we see in operation daily.”

How are the staff at The Telegraph taking the news?

”Shrug is the most prevelant emotion,” Professor Wish, “although none of them can match the hollers and hoots of joy being heard from 10 Downing Street.”

LCD Views commends the timely actions of the dung beetle in reclaiming the giant, mobile ball of bullshit it lost and expects governance of the United Kingdom to improve as a result.

More beetles are being sought to claim other senior members of British politics, to remove them from positions of responsibility and roll them away unharmed to a new life in obscurity. Claims will be processed any time for the day or night.

Voting rights extended to boiled hams and gammon before next general election

The Conservative Party has hit back against ridicule over its decling membership by saying it intends to extend voting rights to boiled hams and gammon before next general election.

”This is to compensate for the anticipated loss of traditional voters that could have been expected to swing back to the Conservatives as a result of Brexit if it wasn’t for Jeremy “the principle” Corbyn saying some rather fruity things about migrants and wages,” Michael Gove told LCD Views, “and not firing frontbenchers unless they’re anti-Brexit. My wasn’t Barry “the bollocks” Gardiner lucky.”

It is certainly a bold electoral strategy and presumably designed to attract less criticism than the attempted gerrymandering of constituencies.

”It can be said to be a fair winner takes all change,” Mr Gove said, “as every party can appeal to the boiled and the tinned meat demographic with as much salt in their campaigning as they can get away with. And I’m quietly confident my party can out bigot the others.”

Asked for comment on the change, tin of ham, Mr B Iffer was pleased.

”Since UKIP has become irrelevant with both major U.K. political parties having adopted the totally non-racist agenda of Brexit, I’ve been struggling to work out who I will put an inky cross next to at the next election.”

B Iffer’s comment only provided fuel for critics of the change though.

”See, they’ve been voting already,” Mr L Centrist-Dad told us, “this is just a PR move that will fool no one who has been paying attention to British politics and it’s slow and steady descent into nationalism and idiocy.”

Mr L went on to suggest some kind of mechanism for holding lying ministers to account when the executive was too weak or self interested to would be more useful.

”That’s supposed to be the ballot box,” he sighed, “but with so much of the media dominated by tax exiles and neither Cons or Labour leadership being overly concerned, it seems, about voter manipulation I am a little worried about where we’re headed.”

The gammon is too. They don’t think we’re being ugly enough.

“Get your tin opener out and get out to vote,” Mr Gove added, “personally I think spam is going to choose wisely when the time comes. Don’t you?”