Category: Democracy

PAY TO PLAY : NUMEROUS UK WORLD LEADING CONSERVATIVE MPS are said to be deeply moved and distressed over the warmongering of Russian President Vladimir Putin and what it means for the United Kingdom’s governance.

Strong and stable government has been the hallmark for the UK since the Tories returned to power in 2010 but the revolutions in public funding, the reduction of the UK defence forces and the great strides towards glorious isolation made by successive Tory governments doesn’t come for free. The paltry financial rewards for public service available in the UK system must be beefed up to ensure a vigorous government.

“I’m not going to name any names,” an anonymous and fictional MP told LCD Views, “but we’ve had to set up the Sponsorship Research Group to look into ways to replace the funding we’ve abruptly lost because of the war in Ukraine.”

Correlation is not of course causation.

“Clearly the millions in donations from Putin linked figures over the years were merely philanthropic because of his desire to spread democracy as far as possible,” the MP stated. “Nothing was ever asked for in return. Not even Brexit. We thought that up all by ourselves because we’re the biggest empire in Europe. I repeat we never did any service in return for the donations. Nothing was ever asked of us. We were just happy to be able to help all those oligarchs manage their portfolios.”

Quite how the public will feel about replacing the millions in future donations lost isn’t yet clear, but it’s felt by the SRG that the public must pay.

“It’s only fair. They keep voting for us in spite of our record in government.”

REALLY DENSE CEILING : The United Kingdom’s highest profile underachiever, and also its Prime Minister, Boris de Waffle Johnson, has put paid to ramped up speculation that he and his latest wife will soon be moving out of the famous old address in the centre of London, before the marriage concludes in the same way as all of his other ones.

Speaking at the launch of his Chancellor’s newest montage of lockdown rule breaking party photos the Prime Minister got his big gnashers into the hot question on everyone’s lips, of whether or not he’ll soon just fuck off and leave us to start cleaning up his massive mess?

“To where?” he asked, displaying an incisive mind undimmed by the rigours of office. “I’m already playing the part of the ageing hero who takes a princess as wife to recharge the old batteries. What else is there for me to do? If you can think of somewhere I could go then let me know. I am fresh out of ideas. I’ve spent my entire career failing upwards and it seems I’ve hit the ceiling. I’ll have to stay on as PM unless a way can be found to get me into the line of succession to the throne. I’d be absolutely chuffed to fail as King.”

The suggestion that he could leave 10 Downing Street to someone who both “gives two shits” and is capable of producing “one or both of them” will though put sudden and unexpected pressure on the Palace.

“The Queen is just waiting him out,” an unconfirmed Palace spokesman told LCD Views. “Those fortnightly meetings are appalling. If shoving Charles back a step means Johnson might leave 10 Downing Street then it’s worth looking into. Wouldn’t you say? But only if she doesn’t have to adopt him.”

SEND IN THE CLOWN : OUTGOING British Prime Minister Boris Johnson is rumoured to have applied for the job of court jester at Buckingham Palace in an attempt to get ahead of his widely anticipated career change.

The move by Mr Johnson blows a whole through criticisms that he is unable to forecast or understand the consequences of his actions, and is in response to the coming changes to Universal Credit. The reduction of the time allowed to seek work in your chosen profession (before losing what little money is provided) from three months to four weeks, is expected to hit not only the PM but many Tory MPs hard.

Court Jesters were banished from court under the kingship of Charles I who was also unable to understand the point of a parliament or a jester. Some would say though that Mr Johnson needs a straight talking, honest individual nearby in a desperate attempt to make him see his job is not to be a clown, but to be a prime minister. But some say a lot of things.

“No one should be concerned that Mr Johnson will find himself working on a soft fruit farm or driving a lorry. The UC changes are to punish the hardworking British citizen for allowing Brexit to happen in the first place. And at any rate, one more year of Brexit and farming will have successfully concluded within the UK,” a source inside the Government told LCD Views.

“Mr Johnson could in theory find himself picking raspberries and living in a draughty caravan on a moor. They could even make a reality TV series about it called ‘Britain’s Last Farm’, but it’s unlikely he would do any work so it would be pointless. It’s best too for the collapse of UK food security to happen out of the headlines and off the screens. The morale of the country is more important. Happily for the PM he can likely continue as is, just at a different ancient address.”

Suggestions that the changes to the Universal Credit conditions are a direct result of telling millions of EU citizens to fuck off, with zero preparation for the fallout or to face the karmic avalanche that would follow, have been dismissed out of hand by insane people who still love Brexit.

“There’s plenty of people just laying about the UK doing nothing and receiving public money,” one critic hit back. “Just look at Jacob Rees-mogg and how he conducts himself in Parliament.”

FOOLS RUSH IN WHERE ANGELS FEAR TO TREAD: Who will be the next foolhardy soul to take the poisoned chalice? Who wants a job, doomed to failure, lived out in the glare of publicity? Which gullible sap wants to inherit Boris Johnson’s grotesquely tarnished Crown? 

It is often said that nature abhors a vacuum. Although this is only true in the case of Mr Dyson’s machines. 

There is, as one notable nonentity recently asserted, a moral vacuum in government. It could be argued that there is an actual vacuum between the ears of many backbenchers. That incessant noise emanating from every newsstand? It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. And of a house of cards, slowly and inexorably toppling. 

Which empty vessel will wish to preside over the wanton collapse of this once great nation? Who is vain, stupid, arrogant and deluded enough to volunteer to hammer the final nail into the UK’s coffin? Apart from Liz Truss, of course. 

To be quite honest, nobody could do a worse job than Boris Johnson. In which case it might be time for nobody to lead the country.

There are plenty of advantages to this arrangement. There would be no more porky pies at PMQs. No vague, waffled press conferences. No excruciating dressing up opportunities. No Boris Johnson. 

Against that, nothing would get done, no decisions would be made. So no change there. 

It’s hard to see how the lack of an actual leader could be worse than a lack of leadership. The ship of state is in deep trouble. The rats are finally realising and starting to leave. But the captain is insisting that if he goes down, the ship will go with him. There is no iceberg, and even if there is an iceberg, it won’t do any harm, and even if it holes the ship and sinks it, nobody told the captain that would happen. 

Maybe having a nobody in charge is worse than having nobody.

ALL IT TAKES IS A FOOL : GREAT NEWS TODAY FOR ANXIOUS BRITS with the confirmation that even Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson has written to the 1922 Committee to express no confidence in Prime Minister Boris Johnson.

The decision to replace the bloated sack of bollocks as Prime Minister is not surprising, nor is the timing, with the Tory Party changing its underwear with increasing frequency due to the increasing speed with which they fill up with scat. But who could possibly want to live in 10 Downing Street with that wallpaper is another question?

“There’s no doubt there’s plenty of idiots in the Party who’d like a shot at being PM,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It’s just choosing the right one. I mean they are going to have to be so pig ignorant it’s almost impossible to measure. Just think of the mess they will be inheriting?”

Some in the party are rumoured to think it’s time to bow out of government for a while and count their money and simply let a coalition government of “woke lefties” repair the damage before resuming the culture war and taking office again.

“Unfortunately the idiots who want to replace Johnson will be having none of that. Each of them so convinced of their own genius.”

Liz Truss is a hot favourite with the bookies. Dominic Raab is a hot favourite with Dominic Raab. Priti Patel is thought to be Satan’s choice as he seeks a more direct method of command, rather than just via the Home Office. But it will be down to the membership to decide, which is the essence of British democracy in action.

“Most of the membership is incredibly stupid so they can be relied upon to pick the right candidate,” the source adds, “I mean a group of people dumb enough to believe Johnson was going to be a world beating PM will deliver again.”

Punters anxious over what comes next are advised to take it easy as no one will have the weird Trumpian magic that Johnson had with so much of the electorate.

“We’re just going to have to fall further but be entertained by the spectacle of anyone prize idiot Boris thought safe to have in his team tries to carry on where he left off. Let’s hope there’s no popcorn trade war! We’re going to need a large stock of it!”

LIKE A PUPPET ON A STRING: Rupert the Kingmaker has declared Liz Truss to be the next PM. Usually, the Home Secretary is next in line to the throne, but it appears that Priti Patel is beyond the pale even by Murdoch’s standards. 

If Truss does indeed become Prime Minister, she will be permanently dogged by the Liz Truss Pork Markets meme. At least we will know what the abbreviation ‘PM’ stands for, and it isn’t Prime Minister. 

Where does this leave Patel? The rottweiler of the cabinet, her national security brief has been interpreted as pickin’ on anyone who can’t bite back. It’s a mystery how she ever acquired a reputation for bullyin’. 

But at least Patel has convictions, revoltin’ though they may be. She isn’t goin’ to do what Uncle Rupes tells her. Unlike Truss, whose convictions change with the wind, and what Murdoch really needs is a shallow opportunist whose reputation hasn’t yet been trashed. 

This is where Truss scores over Johnson, a man with no convictions whatsoever, but a massive ego and overwhelming self interest. He’s a man who missed his true calling as a pub bore. 

What will happen to Johnson? Will his fall bring down the whole house of cards? Only if Johnson goes rogue and spills the beans. But that’s unlikely. Its more probable that he will have a sympathetic journalist ghost write a self-justifying autobiography, while writing bollocks for the Daily Telegraph. 

Although it’s quite possible he might finally acquire some convictions, albeit criminal ones. 

Ultimately Truss will be discarded too, when the inherent contradictions of delivering something long promised but fundamentally impossible become clear. But this is what happens when a single issue party Takes Back Control. A party of simple minded ideologues in charge of a complex set of challenges. 

Still, experts? Like Murdoch? What do they know? 

LIKE A KID IN A CANDY STORE: To celebrate the new Downing Street Directive on Holding Business Meetings, Boris Johnson has decided to open a stationery shop. This shop will stock every item that an everyday Downing Street business meeting needs.

Every meeting has several requirements. For example: laptops, in this case resembling personal trays to hold your nibbles and your glass, and to stop Carrie pinching your vol-au-vents.

Every meeting requires a Chair, so the shop will stock fancy chairs for all participants. 

Paper comes in every colour imaginable. Each piece comes ready-printed and attached to a complementary bottle of wine. Reams of paper are available (or “wineboxes” as they are known in the trade). Once your ream is exhausted, you may use the box to create your very own painted bus. Each one should bear its very own implausible slogan, and the shop will display the finest examples.

The shop supplies wooden presentation boards. These are used to present reports and facilitate discussion. The fact that these boards bear many varieties of excellent cheese is merely a detail. Clients such as those likely to shop at Boris’s expect little luxuries.

The shop will supply containers for all its goods. Otherwise, little things like peanuts, crisps, sausage rolls and the like, tend to make a mess on your desk.

Post-it notes will come in the traditional golden colour. They will be produced in many flavours, including Cheese & Onion, Salt & Vinegar, and Privilege & Entitlement.

Pre-printed agendas will be produced. These will include items such as “1. Opening remarks: I declare this bottle of Chablis open!”, “3. Restrictions: Nobody is allowed to eat all the Brie (That means YOU, Classic Dom!)”, and “8. AOB: Any Other Bottles?”.

Of course, every meeting must have a secretary present. The job of this person is to swear everyone to secrecy.

TAKING BACK CONTROL OF OUR LAWS: The government is to award itself special powers to amend any democratic acts that it believes should be overturned. These powers, we are assured, will only be used in times of national emergency.

Quite what constitutes a ‘national emergency’ was only very loosely defined in the draft white paper circulated by purveyors of satirical content. But the obvious takeaway is that the government now regards ‘democracy’ as agreeing with its own stated position.

By contrast, any dissent will be regarded as undemocratic. Great strides have already been made in this direction by the government’s very own bulldog, Priti Patel. Protesting, being poor, and having a Woke attitude are already in her sights. As is the right of the government to override any laws which they don’t like.

The prevailing attitude is summed up by the aptly named Joy Morrissey. “What do judges know anyway?” she fumed. “Were they ELECTED? No! So they can stick their UNELECTED noses out of our business!”

But Patel goes even further. Following the debacle in North Staffordshire, she now wants the right to overturn election results.

Obviously, The People no longer know what they are voting for, or they would have voted for Boris in their droves. After all, they voted once, in 2019, and gave Johnson an overwhelming mandate of 60% of the seats on only 40% of the votes. There is no need to ask them again.

Democracy Got Done. Like Brexit. Like the British people. Anyone even suspected of voting Lib Dem will be rounded up and sent back to wherever they came from. And for any smart alecks who say they come from Birmingham, well there’s a Birmingham on Ascension Island waiting for them.

So the business of running the country down may proceed uninterrupted by any threat to remove MPs from their posts.

TAKING BACK CONTROL OF OUR HUMAN RIGHTS: Home Secretary Priti Patel is thinking about the best way to uncouple human rights from the wicked EU. The European Convention on Human Rights must be abandoned, simply because it contains the word ‘European’. 

In its place, she is proposing a points based human rights system. The more points you get, the more human rights you are entitled to. 

Points will be awarded, or deducted, according to criteria drawn up by Patel herself. The whole system will, of course, be means tested. 

“It’s only fair,” said Patel minion Ozzie Rules. “People without sufficient means will not be entitled to claim rights, you don’t get something for nothing round here!” 

Rules disclosed that points could be earned on the basis of income, history of  right wing activism, and level of donations to the Conservative Party. Conversely, points would be lost for regional accents, having brown skin, and undisguised intellectual and cognitive ability. 

“This is all part of our levelling up strategy,” boasted Rules. “Rights must be earned, not assumed. Britain has been a soft touch for too long. You cannot simply enter British waters and expect to be treated as a human. The same applies if you’re from The North, which means outside the M25. There will be exceptions, for example if you fall into the ‘Rich as Rishi’ bracket.”

There is a special category for EU nationals living in the UK. They will automatically accrue minus infinity human rights points, meaning they may be herded on to flimsy boats and pushed out to sea by Border Force officials. 

The right to work for a decent wage may be earned. Official estimates show that only 60 years of unpaid work may be needed. Extra points may be earned by doffing your cap to your liege lord. 

Resistance is feudal! I mean, futile! 

CHANGE TOMORROW, CHANGE YESTERDAY, BUT NEVER CHANGE TODAY: It’s time to move on. No, not Boris Johnson, but all this talk about him being obliged to resign as Crime Minister.

The charge sheet against Johnson is truly world beating. Botched Brexit deal, inadequate and negligent covid response, breaking the rules, lying, permitting shit in rivers, changing the rules to exonerate a guilty MP, and of course a hundred crimes against fashion. But the work must still get done, and Boris Johnson is the man to ignore it. “I can’t step down now, I’m in the middle of Prime Ministering,” is the official line.

“I see no reason to even suggest this,” said the man himself, in a remarkable five seconds of relative lucidity. “Do you not realise, ipso facto, yes, yes, yes, no, well, of course, that the suggestion is, erm, erm, erm, ridiculous, I’m sorry if you feel that my performance is not up to your Woke expectations, semper eadem, wiff waff, pull the other one, West Ham United nil.”

That clarifies matters enormously.

“Now is not the time!” thundered Johnson decisively, reaching for a go-to catchphrase. “You don’t change urinals mid-stream, if you cut off one head another always grows backwards, never make a promise to a filly that you intend to keep! I will see this job through if it kills you!”

He has a point, though quite what this point is seems to elude him.

Who would we get if Johnson did go? Billionaire man-of-the-people Sunak? Gove, the eternal Brutus? Or the latest pork market-fancying empty vessel, Truss? The lack of depth in the cabinet is truly world beating.

It is possible that Johnson has accidentally reversed into the truth. Maybe now is not the time. Maybe he should be given enough rope, so that he will metaphorically hang himself.

And then we can hang him out to dry.