Record numbers of homeless begin to set up pavement shrines to man’s portrait

Britain’s loyal army of homeless citizens are overjoyed with the new portrait of Iain Duncan Smith. They are coordinating a campaign to have a shrine set up in every town.

The Foodbankers, as they wish to be known, believe this to be their positive contribution to Brexit. Every pedestrianised shopping centre will have a shrine.

“Each shrine will have similar construction,” claimed coordinator Doggone String. “A base of empty tins of processed peas past their sell-by date. On top, an altar of fried chicken cartons. Finally, a photo of the portrait of IDS torn from the Metro. All weighed down with the foreign coins the public throw at us to be funny.”

String mentioned that he was attempting to have the shrines registered as places of worship. This has a dual purpose. It prevents councils from clearing then away, and gives the scroungers the right to hang about legitimately in a nice warm, dry shopping centre.

Local councillor Tori Privilege was curiously supportive. “It gives these wasters a purpose,” she preached. “They show true British enterprise. We will close the food banks to encourage their transition. Hunger is a great motivator!”

Irritable Duncan Syndrome was feeling very smug, just for a change. “I am delighted to have become so popular!” he slimed. “I am thinking of writing to the Pope to request immediate canonisation.”

The patron saint of bald ambition couldn’t resist a tacky Brexit comment. “The Foodbankers are growing in number, which is a credit to the spirit of the British people,” he oozed. “Looking after one’s community is a clear Brexit dividend!”

IDS explained that he was due to speak to a rally of about 5000 of his loyal fans. He intends to show generosity by taking two tins of sardines and five pitta breads. “That should be more than enough to feed them!” he squelched.

Give a man the Spirit of the British people, and he will never hunger again.

Labour Party launch new helpline to tell voters whatever they want to hear on Brexit

The Labour Party is on the front foot in the Brexit debate today with the announcement of a new party sponsored helpline which will tell worried voters whatever they want to hear.

”It’s primarily focused on Brexit,” Keir Starmer, official party spokesman on Brexit, told LCD Views, “although reassurance can be given on any subject.”

It’s felt the move is being made ahead of EU election crunch time just in case punters anxious to know where the party stands on Brexit accidentally conflate the entire future of the country with matters in Corbyn’s constituency.

”It’s a straightforward extension of long standing party policy,” Keir said, “if you think a senior party figure has said something that sounds like we’re enabling the Tories, and the hard right neocon Brexit project, just press one and an automated recording of my voice will reassure you we intend to hold the government to account.”

But what if you’re worried that Labour will attempt to subvert the will of the people to intentionally ruin the country to make Jacob Rees-mogg and chums richer?

You know, the decision delivered by an overwhelming mandate of f*ck all, data mined percent?

“The expression of opinion of people who didn’t take the time to understand how the fishing industry works?”

Yes.

”But went for it in a gerrymandered EUref held about fifty years ago now, without a supermajority because it was only advisory in the hope of making David Cameron’s life easier?”

That’s the one.

”Oh, then press two and Emily Thornberry will actually answer and ask you want your concern is and then soothe you by telling you whatever you want to hear.”

This is great. I’m calling today.

”You’ll feel better. The Tories have the BBC so why can’t we have something?”

You could have government by acting like an official opposition?

”Bugger. We need to add number three too.”

What’s three?

”It trolls you for undermining the leader by raising valid criticism of his leadership decisions.”

Thats not allowed?

”Gulag comrade. Gulag.”

Labour Party launch new helpline to tell voters whatever they want to hear on Brexit

The Labour Party is on the front foot in the Brexit debate today with the announcement of a new party sponsored helpline which will tell worried voters whatever they want to hear.

”It’s primarily focused on Brexit,” Keir Starmer, official party spokesman on Brexit, told LCD Views, “although reassurance can be given on any subject.”

It’s felt the move is being made ahead of the local elections just in case punters anxious to know where the party stands on Brexit accidentally conflate the entire future of the country with local council matters.

”It’s a straightforward extension of long standing party policy,” Keir said, “if you think a senior party figure has said something that sounds like we’re enabling the Tories, and the hard right neocon Brexit project, just press one and an automated recording of my voice will reassure you we intend to hold the government to account.”

But what if you’re worried that Labour will attempt to subvert the will of the people to intentionally ruin the country to make Jacob Rees-mogg and chums richer?

You know, the decision delivered by an overwhelming mandate of f*ck all, data mined percent?

“The expression of opinion of people who didn’t take the time to understand how the fishing industry works?”

Yes.

”But went for it in a gerrymandered EUref held about fifty years ago now, without a supermajority because it was only advisory in the hope of making David Cameron’s life easier?”

That’s the one.

”Oh, then press two and Emily Thornberry will actually answer and ask you want your concern is and then soothe you by telling you whatever you want to hear.”

This is great. I’m calling today.

”You’ll feel better. The Tories have the BBC so why can’t we have something?”

You could have government by acting like an official opposition?

”Bugger. We need to add number three too.”

What’s three?

”It trolls you for undermining the leader by raising valid criticism of his leadership decisions.”

Thats not allowed?

”Gulag comrade. Gulag.”

 

BBC to resume coverage of Brexit on ceefax

The BBC has responded to recent criticism of its coverage of Brexit by asking viewers a question, “What coverage?”

“The question was just a joke,” Radio4 Today programme producer Sarah Sands followed up, “do you know if you google my name you’ll find I spent my career in tabloids before joining the BBC at a crucial time in the Brexit process.

You can also find me having lunch with Rupert Murdoch, Liam Fox, Farage, Banks and others. But that’s not really relevant to my announcement today.”

But what is relevant is the surge of relief that will be felt amongst the increasing volume of license fee players who believe,

“The BBC has totally gone to pot. Taken over by the government and turned into a propaganda service.”

What leverage has the government used?

”Threats to our independence and funding. You know a key function of most governments is to lie to the voter?”

Within acceptable limits? Surely there is a limit between making space while an administration works out how it screwed something up and outright bs?

”Not at the moment! You funny little peasant.”

Great. Channel 4 and even Sky are currently doing better than you a lot of the time now on Brexit. Huffington Post and other new players too. Oh, and don’t forget Carole Cadwalladr, she’s owning it right now on Cambridge Analytica.

”On what? Did you hear John Humphrys read out the bus timetables of his youth for an hour this morning?”

So how are you going to respond to the criticisms?

”We’re certainly not going to do it by clearing out all the old men at the BBC who are helping make a success of Brexit!”

But as Brexit unravels your coverage gets worse and more obviously one sided. It can’t go on.

”I know. That’s why I’m taking Rupert Murdoch’s genius suggestion and we’ll now be running any non-positive Brexit stories with rigorous analysis on a dedicated service. It’s too important a time in the life of our country to ignore it any longer.”

Oh thank god. What channel?

”Ceefax!”

”But Ceefax ceased in 2012!”

“Precisely. Just key in the 000’s. All the zeroes.”

New Northern Powerhouse initiative to retrain coal miners as data miners

The Northern Powerhouse is being rebooted. Unemployed coal miners from across the North are going to be retrained as social media data miners.

Minister Bernard Castle spoke to LCD’s Out In The Sticks correspondent about this exciting new development.

“We all know how many lost their jobs as the coal mining industry was closed down,” he explained. “They were promised new opportunities, and we are delivering on that promise. It is a price well worth paying for progress.”

Tell that to the miners. How can you describe the deliberate destruction of a thriving industry in order to negate the power of the Trade Unions, as progress?

“It led directly to Brexit,” he babbled. “If that’s not progress, I don’t know what is!”

But the Unions gave ordinary people a direct political voice, which the Thatcher government removed.

“Yes, but it was the wrong voice,” said Castle, speaking slowly as if to somebody stupid. “People need to be guided in the correct way of thinking and speaking. They were helped to decide, unanimously, that we should leave the EU. Which brings us back nicely to data mining.”

New opportunities, only 30 years late. Please explain how old men, once adept with pick and shovel, could be utilised to infiltrate social media accounts and analyse personal data.

“One type of mining is much the same as another,” declared Castle. “I went to the North once, so I should know! It’s all about extraction and delivery. Data mining just uses sharper, more high-tech tools. And old men are perfectly social media savvy! Look at any Brexit thread on Facepamphlet. You can spot them by the lack of punctuation, grammar and logic which are the proud products of leaving school at 14.”

The Power in the Northern Powerhouse will be supplied by power stations running on cheap Chinese coal, while rich seams of British coal lie untouched. Newcastle is expecting daily shipments.

The no-longer ex-miners will be paid according to how many floating voters they can persuade to their point of view. They will receive daily guidance from a shadowy figure in Cambridge known only as “Old Nix”.

Subverting the uncertain Will of the People. That’s a jobs first Brexit for you.

Cambridge Analytica boss accepts job of Australian cricket coach to teach them how to cheat properly

LCD VIews has great news for the Australian cricket team today with the announcement that shamed Cambridge Analytica boss Alexander Nicked has accepted the job of teaching them how to cheat properly.

”Let me make one thing clear before I catch my plane as far from Blighty as I can,” Mr Nicked told our sports correspondent, from the Qantas lounge at Heathrow terminal 6,

“just because I’m going downunder to teach those amateurs in the Aussie first team how to cheat properly in no way means I did anything improper while illegally mining the living crap out of Facebook profile data in order to get a percentage gain for Vote Leave.”

As to how Alexander will improve the victorious Ashes team’s game?

”First off we’re going to need to hack into the mobile phones of all people attending cricket matches,” Mr Nicked replied, “once we know who is going to film the bowlers we can influence them to just take selfies and put rabbit ears on their digital heads, for as long as five days, if necessary.

We’ll also be digging through the personal details of the bowling squad to discover who has ever cheated on a partner, so we can focus especial attention into raising their game so they don’t get caught acting perfectly within character again.

Winning at sport, as in politics, is all about percentage gain, no matter how you gain it.”

The news is welcome relief for Australian cricket, just as footage showing some team members acting as thick as footballers often do is on endless repeat on the BBC.

We asked a representative of the BBC to comment,

”I am not a representative of the BBC, I work for the government.”

We’re sorry. What would you like to say?

”We would like to thank the wallies downunder for their timely actions with ball tampering.

For a horrible moment we feared the BBC maybe forced to defy our orders to blackout coverage of both the protest marches to support continued U.K. membership of the EU and the increasing stink around members of the Conservative cabinet.”

The representative later phoned back to threaten us with deregulation of our mass media organisation and direct state control if we print mention of the EU protest marches on the weekend. Please use white-out and cover words on your screen where appropriate. Thank you.

We cannot allow Labour to break apart over Brexit, but it’s okay if the U.K. does says Starmer

“We cannot allow Labour to break apart over Brexit,” Labour pedigree Keir Starmer told Peston today, “but it’s okay if the United Kingdom does. By the way, I think it’s a disgrace our new blue passports are being made in France, just like Rees-mogg does.”

The clarity on Labour’s position on Brexit is welcomed, especially the further clarity about where the party’s current leadership’s priorities.

”It’s important that we match the Conservatives pound for pound in putting our perceived party political interests over the blindingly obvious reasons to oppose Brexit,” Mr Starmer added,

“how are we supposed to get elected to government if we don’t mimic them as closely as possible on the topic of Brexit? You tell me. It’s a proper head scratcher.

To actually oppose what is clearly insane and only serving the hard right neocons would be too risky.”

Mr Starmer went on to say that nothing was going to sway leader Jeremy Corbyn’s support for Brexit.

”Not even if Satan himself was found to be behind the Brexit agenda.

The people had an advisory vote and narrowly backed a bunch of liars and conmen, so it’s clear what we have to do now as the official opposition party.”

Mr Starmer left shortly after as his Momentum minder had arrived with the next preprepared statements for him to say, in order to be safe in his front bench job until he can be de-selected at leisure with a placard of shame hung around his neck.

”Theyre going to give me a parade when they do it!”

Thats nice dear. I’m sure there’s no chance you’re being played for a sucker by the ideologically firm.

“If you don’t mind though, we’ve got to wrap it up now. I’ve got lines to learn for my family lunch. I have to be really, really careful not to say anything that could be considered thought crime by the leader, or they’ll chase me with the vacuum cleaner for an hour.”

We wouldn’t want that. Just be careful not to follow your lawyers nose, it might lead you to what stinks in the Leave campaign, and they would really be a pickle for the party hoping to ride Brexit over the rubble and ashes to come and into government.

Labour celebrates win over Labour and says it’s a taste of the victories to follow

The Labour Party was in a celebra-tory mood last night following a headline catching win for Labour over Labour.

”It’s a taste of the victories to come,” A Sect, spokesman for the victorious Labour Party said, “we’ve shown over confident Labour it can be beaten, not only by the worst Tory government for generations thanks to our refusal to fight Nigel Farage’s vision for the United Kingdom, but also by Labour.”

The win was welcomed by their neocon stooge Brexit colleagues at Westminster.

”I’d like to personally thank Jeremy Corbyn for his timing of the win for Labour,” All The Conservative Party said, “people are starting to push to expose our possible and probable links to Cambridge Analytica. Labour’s win over Labour couldn’t have come at a better time. It buys us more time to shred stuff, burn things and invent a convincing message for how CA and Brexit campaigns are in no way linked.”

But it wasn’t all celebration. Labour’s Brexit spokesman Keir Starmer was found in a thoughtful mood.

”You know last Tuesday?” he asked LCD Views, “of course you do. You couldn’t be here if you didn’t.

Last Tuesday was the first day for as long as I can remember when Momentum activists didn’t tweet and retweet and email and pm ‘yellow Tory blairite shill’ at me. I was pretty upset. I’ve got some Stockholm Syndrome going on nowadays. But thankfully it’s going to be okay.

The old inbox is piling up with people this morning warning me not mistake the clear warning Owen’s fate holds for all Labour MPs about wrong thought on Brexit or anything else. So that’s nice.”

Surprisingly too Vladimir Putin commented on Labour’s win over Labour.

”I’m just glad Corbyn didn’t go all Owen Smith at me over the Skripal business. I didn’t realise at the time how lucky I was.”

This story will presumably unfold further over the next few days, but we’ll give A Sect the last word.

”We’ve replaced the broadchurch with a narrow chapel. You’re welcome to come inside, but you probably won’t be allowed to stay if you can’t think right.”

Excellent. The party’s electoral appeal must have changed noticeably in the last 24 hours. Keep up the good work.

It’s subverting the will of the people to suggest the will of the people may have been subverted

“It’s subverting the will of the people to suggest the will of the people may have been subverted,” said Mr Con Jobb today, head of strategy for the Brexit focused charity F U EU.

Mr Con Jobb was talking after revelations broke in the media about the dealings of F U EU and a shadowy data mining company called Subvert Democracy.

”The dating app supplied to us from Subvert Democracy, and used by millions of facepamphlet users was an impressive and unseen way to harvest as much personal information as possible from as many emotionally vulnerable people as possible, to better manipulate voting intentions ahead of the EU referendum in 2016.”

But it’s said you broke data privacy laws in the process and may well have used the stolen data to unduly influence voters with emotional messages that had no relation to the facts of the matter being balloted?

”What’s your point?”

You’ve subverted democracy. It calls the validity of entire ballot into question.

”The people still had a vote. Just listen to any ageing male BBC political journalist. The people had a vote. They had a vote in America too. In many countries.”

So that’s okay then?

”It is if you’re a neocon sociopath intent on manufacturing a global economic disaster to deepen your political influence and get even richer.”

But you’ve subverted the will of the people.

”So?”

What do you mean so?

”You lost, get over it.”

Can you answer why it’s taken the Information Commissioner five days to get a warrant to search the headquarters of Subvert Democracy?

Is there any relation to the millions donated to the Conservative Party by the owners of Subvert Democracy?

”That sounds like a question better asked by the leader of the official opposition at PMQ’s.”

Fat chance of that.

”It’s useful, isn’t it. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to get back to the office. I’ve been told the Information Commissioner is due to drop by at 16:34 this afternoon and I’ve still some computer servers to burn in the car park.”

Thank you for your time.

”The people had a vote.”

Thats what they do, it’s called democracy.

”Not anymore. Would you mind ducking down to the petrol station and filling up this empty can for me?”

Boris Johnson fails to win role of MacBeth in local theatre production in spite of strong audition

Boris Johnson is said to be “reeling” this morning and “flabbergasted” after failing to win the coveted role of MacBeth in a Westminster local theatre production, in spite of a strong audition.

“It’s a bit baffling why the director would choose anyone other than Boris,” Boris Johnson’s acting coach, P T Barnum, told LCD Views’ light entertainment correspondent, “when you look at his career path post 2015, he seems to be completely method in preparation for the role of MacBeth in his professional and personal life.”

Mr Barnum further believes that the manner of Boris’ audition should have made him a shoo in.

“He beat up and butchered most of the others auditioning,” Barnum says, “they were just people from the local community, so it was as easy. He acts all Falstaff in public, but behind the scenes he’s a regular Titus.”

So what went wrong?

“Boris let Gove him help prepare, that was his first misstep. As on the morning of the audition Iago, I mean Gove, announced he was also auditioning.

This hurt Boris a lot. He had trouble focusing. He had to go and burn some fifties in front of some rough sleepers just to get his equilibrium back.”

So Gove got the part?

“No. The director believes neither man would be able to portray the necessary levels of regret required in MacBeth once the carnage really gets going, when the play is staged in the summer.

There’s also serious doubt whether or not Boris could stay faithful to Lady MacBeth long enough for anyone to believe they were in a genuine marriage, even in a staged play. You can’t really have Boris improvising new lines and secret liaisons while the play is actually being staged.”

How did Boris take the news?

“Not well, he sent the director, who is eighty five year and staging the play for charity, the following lines from Titus Andronicus,

I will grind your bones to dust
And with your blood and it I’ll make a paste,
And of the paste a coffin I will rear
And make two pasties of your shameful heads,
And bid that strumpet, your unhallow’d dam,
Like to the earth swallow her own increase.”

How did the director take that?

“He sent back a very brief note with a line from MacBeth,

Dear Mr Johnson,

Confusion now hath made his masterpiece…

Now kindly bugger off because all the world really is a stage and you are our face upon it…”