Category: Democracy

BREAKING CONS : Seismologists working at the Institute for Predictive Karmacology, Boston (not Massachusetts) are predicting a karmic avalanche of epic scale to begin breaking over the Conservative Party from Thursday this week.

”Everyone expects them to get f c u k’d,” Professor Local Elections told LCD Views, “and so do we.”

The cause appears to be a tectonic whirlwind that the largely completely deranged idiots running the party have been sowing in the ballot substrate of the country for several years. All to keep hedge funds and racists happy, often at the same time.

”They really have excelled themselves,” the professor continued, “they’ve over promised and under delivered to Brexiters, although given what any Brexit will do to the U.K., this maybe a blessing for the party in disguise. But just to ensure no one is happy with them, they’ve completely ignored and spat at their own progressive voters (using the p word very loosely). Not many seem to know this, but there are actually a sizeable amount of Tory supporting, pro-EU voters. Well, there used to be.”

How large the scale of the karmic avalanche will be is not clear.

”Well, the lowest measure on the scale is epic and it gets worse from there,” Professor Local continues, “and when you consider universal credit and the slashing of funding to councils and the systematic ruination of so much of the social fabric of the country, yeah, the needle will be high on the dial.”

In addition to that, with just days to go before polling the party has pulled out a complete weapon in the press today.

”With prospects in the local elections already grim for the Tories, having Damian Green, who had to resign over porn on his Westminster laptop, in the press today suggesting the dementia tax is still a great idea, is really the icing on the cake ahead of polling day.”

Friday should be fun this week as the rocks and rubble, mud slides and avalanches cover many local Conservative associations under many feet of debris. No one is planning on a rescue.

Union means Union. Except when it doesn’t. Obviously there’s good and bad on both sides.

The woman who, mysteriously, is still Prime Minister is having an argument with both Nicola Sturgeon and herself. How dare you threaten our precious Union, the debate begins.

“Och aye Jimmy, we are sick of ye Sassenachs telling us what to do,” replied Sturgeon. “We want oot, and we want oot the noo!”

“No, you can’t do that,” Good May replied. “Let me be clear about this: we are stronger together. Besides, we need your oil to prop up our corrupt economy.”

“Why are ye so intent on leaving the EU then?” asked Sturgeon. “I see a wee contradiction there. Ye are kicking us in the Trossachs!”

“We voted to leave, we must respect the result of the referendum, 80% voted for Brexit parties,” recited Bad May. “It’s democracy, and without democracy the country is basically fucked.”

“The UK is a good Union,” explained Good May. “But the EU is a bad Union. 4 nations good, 28 nations bad!”

“Ooo, boke boke!” mimed Sturgeon, pretending to stick two fingers down her throat. “Pass the sick bucket. Enough with the Orwellian bullshit. Man, ye make me want to greet!”

“But you mustn’t split the union,” May persisted, arguing with herself now. “It would mean enormous constitutional change. There are all sorts of other practical considerations. I don’t think you’ve thought this through properly!”

The position is quite clear. England wants Scotland to Remain, so it can Leave. Scotland wants to Leave, so it can Remain.

“Must leave the Union. Can’t split the Union,” repeated May, on an endless loop. She sat in the corner of the cell which her own mind had created, hugging her knees, and swaying from side to side.

Outside, the vortex of contradictions she had inadvertently created waited patiently to consume her.

Meanwhile, Sturgeon is planning to annexe Berwick-upon-Tweed. In a final statement, she declared “I’m going to rebuild Hadrian’s Wall, and make England pay for it.”

David Cameron, the once and never-again Prime Gammon Minister, has finally had his greatest achievement recognised. He has been awarded the inaugural Tory Without A Thought (T.W.A.T.) award.

The accolade was hotly contested. Many Tories, both parliamentary and lay, were expecting (with no little justification) to be in the running. But in the end, there was only ever going to be one winner. Cameron, the man who is the root of all Brexit, swept all before him. Twat!

“I’m most delighted, indeed overwhelmed,” stammered a dishevelled, half-naked Cameron at the door of his shed, as he received his trophy from Danny Dyer. A sound of contented grunting floated through the open doorway. “You held that stupid vote, just to shut your sodding party up, and it unleashed a shitstorm like a herd of giant woolly mammoths OD-ing on laxatives,” replied Dyer. “Twat!”

“I never imagined it would be Dave!” wheezed Young Conservative Jerry Attrick, 83. Attrick’s lack of imagination, he imagined, would have made him a front-runner. “Everyone down the George And Dragon always calls me a twat when I explain why Brexit is going to be great for Britain. I was expecting the award, instead of that useless chinless wonder. Twat!”

In fact, the list of nominees was enormous. According to some sources, 17.4m names were on the initial list. Unfortunately for many of them, only members of the Conservative Party were deemed eligible for consideration.

The disappointment elsewhere was tangible. Piers Morgan tweeted: “So I’m not as much of a T.W.A.T. as David Cameron? I must be doing something wrong!” The large number of respondents taking the mickey must have warmed his bitter, insecure little soul. Twat!

Chris Grayling tweeted: “I was fully expecting to win the T.W.O.N.K. award today, never mind, can’t win them all!” Truly a Tory With Out Noticeable Knowledge. Twonk!

The last word goes to second-placed Michael Gove. “Normally, people just look at me and think, twat!” he said. “Always the twatsmaid, never the twat.”

David Cameron is the Tory Without A Thought. Probably in perpetuity. Twat!

LCD Views is hearing that grassroots Tory campaign groups are boycotting campaigning in the upcoming European parliament elections because the European parliament is unelected.

“Everyone knows it’s an unelected tyranny of Eurocrats who would collapse without our pounds and shillings,” Mr K Ipper, Chairman of the Little-on-England Conservative grouping, told LCD Views, “the elections don’t happen. They’re a hoax. They film them in the same hanger used to fake the moon landings. Anyone who claims to be an MEP is an actor. They’re all paid and in pounds. Except for Farage who is actually from the plant Zaarg-9 and was sent to expose the unelected tyranny.”

So you’ll be staying at home then?

“No. I’ll be campaigning for either UKIP or The Brexit Party and helping to expose the elections as faked,” Mr K Ipper replied, “I’m just not sure if I want to support a party that has [mind bogglingly] made it necessary to explain to [emotionally insecure men] people once again that rape jokes aren’t [and never are] funny, or the party Farage has co-opted in the hope UKIP will now make him look like a moderate. It’s a tough choice.”

But surely given that the EU parliament, real or faked, will make decisions that directly impact on the UK means we should be involved? If we’re not at the table, we’re just a meal to be served up to the world’s major powers?

“You need to believe in your country more sunshine. The big players will happily go along with whatever we decide and double their paperwork and cost to also sell into the EU. We’ll set the standard once we’re free. We’re exceptionally”

But doesn’t the fact we can simply leave the EU say that we’re already ‘free’, just that the cost of freedom maybe isn’t worth it? And yes, we’re exceptional. We’re doing amazingly with food banks and lack of investment and loss of jobs. Any Brexit will make us even more exceptional. Oh and encouragement of racism and xenophobia, an insane Home Office, and an almost phobic streak in our government to avoid public votes, we’re certainly exceptional since the EU ref in 2016.

“Traitor. I won’t be dropping off any campaign literature to you.”

That’s a shame. I’d like the opportunity to post it right back without a stamp.

Foreign Secretary Jeremy C. Hunt insisted today that exercising democracy, by voting in the EU elections, would be undemocratic. Hunt was speaking at a doomed trade summit in Japan, where his attempts to tell them how business should be done have been dismissed as ‘Huntsplaining’.

Hunt is keen to use his Japanese, so it is possible that his comments have lost a little in translation. Our interpreter, Asumi Dunno, suggested that he only does it to show off to his Japanese wife (or is she Chinese? Or Korean? Even she isn’t sure these days).

“I think he just after hanky-panky,” explained Dunno. “His Japanese very good, but he making silly mistake all the time. Silly woman think it sexy.”

What has Hunt been saying about democracy?

“He say, don’t let people vote,” said Dunno. “People voted to not be in EU, so people can’t vote in EU election. England must leave EU very very soon or his party up shit creek without paddle. People very cross, he say. People will be angry if England stay in EU. There will be big fight, he say. I think he speak testicle.”

He’s talking bollocks, you mean?

“In Japan, we say he speak with his belly cut open,” she explained. “Liar liar pant on fire, yes? People already voted. Never vote again. Democracy only happen once, in case people change mind, he say. In Japan, we say evil cause, evil effect. Evil campaign, evil policy. It very wrong. It very toxic in England.”

Why does he think exercising democracy is so undemocratic?

“I assume he don’t know,” said Asumi Dunno. “He make no sense. He say, no to bad EU, very bad indeed, but we still want EU trade deal. He say, democracy is good, but more democracy is not democracy. He batshit crazy.”

It is true that Jeremy C. Hunt is the best Foreign Secretary since Boris Johnson. And if that’s not a recommendation, I don’t know what is.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-47933511

UKIP have spent more than a penny today with their new look flag projected onto the White Cliffs of Dover, launching their EU elections campaign.

The re-designed party flag has been got up in time to help tell the unelected MEPs that make decisions together about the EU, in a parliament, to bog off! Just like every time UKIP MEP’s get elected to the unelected, unaccountable EU.

”We need to distance ourselves from Farage’s new party too,” someone claiming to be a party insider told LCD Views, “we’re the natural home for neo-fascists, racists in general and just plain credulous idiots. Not Nigel, the splitter, Farage’s new outfit. We take advantage of people shafted by Westminster politics. We started it!”

The new look flag is raising eyebrows though, for the addition of a urinal toilet, when there are so many other fitting symbols to choose from.

”We aim to flush the U.K. away,” the insider clarified, “away from Brussels. Then pick up our EU pensions, paid in Euros, and laugh at the bank as Sterling goes down the toilet. It’s pretty obvious what the flag means. Just don’t ask me why it’s yellow and purple because I’ve never worked that bit out.”

For supporters of the party too it is a nice twist that will help defend them against accusations they’re going even further right under Batten’s leadership.

”It’s not a right turn, how can it be? Toilets have an S bend. So it’s more like we’re coming back around on ourselves, carrying all our same old shite with us.”

So that settles that then. Let’s hope on May 23rd it’s UKIP that is flushed away.

LCD Views has encouraging news for people worried about the leadership of The Brexit Party, after the first leader stood down after revealing herself as an awful effing racist on social media. And to be too racist for a Farage vehicle, well, that’s some heavy duty racism right there.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-47668067

But there is nothing to worry about. The leadership of the Brexshit Party is in good hands, even though Nigel Farage has just announced he is stepping down with immediate effect.

“Paul Nuttall is to become leader of The Brexit Party right now,” a Brexit Party insider told LCD Views, from the vantage point of their sewer, “he will easily combine running the newest force in British politics with being President of the United States, CEO of Tate & Lyle and Chief Editor at The Telegraph. He really can multi-task.”

But why has Nigel decided to stand down so quickly? He only just launched the party’s EU election campaign?

“He’s been offered a job working on a cross party initiative for both the government and Labour.”

He’s going to help solve Brexit?

“Don’t be stupid! There’s no solving Brexit! It’s supposed to be a country demolishing catastrophe, that’s how everyone involved gets rich! Including the multi-millionaire, career politician and inheritance millionaires running Labour. No. Nigel has bigger fish to fry.”

Which are?

“Well someone has to come up with a new policy to unite both the major UK political parties over once they deliver Brexit, which of course was the only reason for UKIP existing, and why Farage jettisoned it. Imagine that, nearly three years after allegedly using private polling to make a killing on the markets during the EU ref, and both the Cons and Labour are still trying to deliver on it. It makes you wonder, doesn’t it.”

Well, we all know the Tories can’t be trusted, but Labour have no choice but to go along with the lies, or they’ll lose their electorate. They can’t just spend day after day exposing the criminality and bullshit. That’s hardly the job of a party that wants government.

“Who wants government? No one wants government.”

This is all getting a little bit confusing.

“Once we’ve all finished destabilising the United Kingdom and eroding all trust in its political system, then we’ll want government. Nigel will be helping work on that and going by his speech the other day, we know he’s looking back in time for inspiration. Paul’s just taking over the Brexit Party because he’s a fucking muppet.”

GLOBAL BRITONS! GET YOUR MAPS OUT AND YOUR MARKER PENS BECAUSE SWITZERLAND DOES NOT EXIST.

10 Downing Street has reacted swiftly today to the news that a Swiss court has ordered a referendum re-run, because of errors in the pre-ref build up, and the finding by the Swiss court that voters were not given the full facts prior to going to the ballot.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-47879777

“We have lately been receiving queries regarding a non-existent country’s decision to quash the result of a people’s vote in 2016 and order it re-run. This has no application in Mighty Britannia because the non-existent country concerned does not exist. So let’s have no more talk about it. Our country is united behind the result of a our rigorously conceived and administered plebiscite in 2016 and all now want the result, whatever it was, delivered.”

But while the stance from our country’s seat of power is adamant that the country concerned does not exist, behind closed doors there are whispers that this is not true and we should extend the hand of friendship.

“John Humphry’s could give them classes on how to handle referendums,” an insider told LCD Views, “Rory Stewart could assist as John’s TA. He could tell the Swiss that you just make up the numbers you want to support whatever argument, or outcome, you desire. This could be done with a series of slides while John shouts BUT THE PEOPLE HAVE DECIDED at the Swiss. It’s pretty straightforward. They’re a small country. It’s no surprise they’ve gotten confused. The mother of parliaments should help out.”

It’s believed cross party talks have now started in secret on how to handle the matter, in case too many people in the UK start not only believing that Switzerland does exist, but that also we should heed their way of dealing with a referendum, because they do a lot of it.

“Labour aren’t confirming they are talking to Downing Street about how to help out with this, but I have heard that if they are, they are insistent that referenda and not referendums is used in any official document.”

We at LCD Views say good luck to the Swiss! Even though you don’t exist! And hope we can learn non-existent lessons from your non-existent existence. Thank you.

The latest extension to the Article 50 notice, issued nine years ago by the then British prime minister Theresa “Maybot” May, and supported at the time by the leader of the opposition Jeremy “End FOM” Corbyn,  has been agreed with the leaders of the 34 expanded EU nations.

“Earlier today I wrote to all the leaders of the family of thirty four European nations asking for the UK’s annual extension to the article 50 process,” announced Nicola Sturgeon, joint leader of the GNU (Government of National Unity) alongside Caroline Lucas,

“I am pleased to say that the roll over process for leaving the European Union was agreed with no additional conditions, other than the cancelling of the planned probations for Boris Johnson and Michael Gove, the commitment to continuing to search for Lord Rees-mogg in the Ural Mountains, and the passing of the required legislation to allow the UK to participate in the EP elections on the 23rd May 2024.”

The announcement caused little fuss widely, being now part of the yearly traditions of the British isles, but to the surprise of many it did cause SETI to make an announcement of its own.

“The brief appearance of the imperial battle cruiser over the Tower of London in late 2020 has generally been agreed to have been connected with the disappearance of the sole inhabitant of the medieval prison, Nigel Farage, who was at the time being held prior to criminal proceedings for the alleged crime of treason. We all know the trial took place in his absence after he vanished mysteriously from the tower.”

So much so old news.

“But, SETI can confirm today the arrival on Earth of a small and very rusty droid, which appears to originally have been designed as a mini-bar and ashtray, but was modified to carry a videotape of the kind last used on Earth in the later stages of the 20th century.”

Ooo?

“Scientists at NASA have played the tape, after fetching a Betamax tape player from a museum, and can confirm it is a message from the Emperor Farage announcing his decision to run in the 2024 EP elections as leader of his latest party, The Death Star Party. Furthermore he has issued instructions for the design of the ballot papers. The DSP is to be represented on the ballot by a half moon death star and a properly shaped, traditional British banana. Thank you for your time.”