Category: Democracy

“The dog ate the speech I was going to make,” explained Sir Screw Hope, Tory MP for Staycations, who missed the climate change debate in the House of Commons, “and besides I had so much homework to do. And anyway, the MP for Oil didn’t turn up either, so why are you picking one me?”

Sir Screw Hope wasn’t alone. At times as few as ten MPs were present for the debate brought by Layla Moran of the Liberal Democrats and Caroline Lucas of the Green Party.

“See? I couldn’t be there. I had to be over at DExEU justifying my coming pay rise by working out how much more money to waste,” Mrs Winter Son, MP for Frackit-on-Why and a junior minister at DExEU told us, “and anyway, it’s not like it’s going to lose me any votes. Young people don’t engage in politics.”

These explanations, while perfectly valid, perhaps miss the point that the debate was brought as a direct result of a large student protest.

“It’s potentially a very clever strategy by MPs concerned about the lack of engagement in politics by younger demographics,” our political analyst comments, “the House of Commons is currently engaged in a mass shitting on of younger peoples’ hopes.”

But how is that a clever strategy?

“Just imagine yourself coming of age right now and being told you have to celebrate a blue passport and stay home with a crashing economy? And this is all being decided without your say by MPs of both main parties.”

It ain’t great.

“It would rev you up a little perhaps? Add on top of that the clear and present total disinterest of the majority of your elected representatives in the most pressing issue determining your future?”

What? Will May stay on until 2022 and will Jeremy Corbyn do Glastonbury again?

“Well, apart from those, yes. You’re probably feeling like you might like to get out and vote.”

But not for the MPs bringing you Brexit and effectively telling you to stfu?

“Yes indeed. Just imagine if there isn’t a GE until 2022, just where your party loyalties will be…”

https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2019/feb/28/mps-debate-climate-after-school-strike-but-only-a-handful-turn-up

Rumours are swirling about this morning that a room full of the biggest kids in the United Kingdom may soon be faced with a very difficult decision to prove just how much they’ve grown up lately.

“They’ve peed on all the toys,” our developmental correspondent says, “like, all the toys, everyone’s toys. An entire country worth of toys. Now they’ve done that they’ve started to worry they may get the blame for what they’ve done. So it’s decision time.”

It seems the decision is about how best to get away with what they’ve done.

“No one really wants to take responsibility. I don’t know how many bloody high energy drinks they’d gotten hold of before they went on the peeing party, but it must have been epic. A whole off licence worth is my guess.”

Couldn’t they just turn to the adults, confess, apologise, get a scolding and then ask for help to wash off everyone’s toys?

“Oh, you’re a comedian now are you? Have you seen they way they carry on when they’re together? There’s as much chance of that as the moon actually being made of cheese. No. They need to duck and cover or destroy the evidence.”

So what’s duck and cover?

“Ask the country if they want to wash the pee off their toys. Put it to the people. Pretend you don’t know how the toys got into the state they’re in, but offer to help with the clean up.”

And what’s destroying the evidence?

“Burning all the toys. Before anyone can see what they’re really up to. That way everyone will be too busy crying over the destruction of the things they love initially to hold the big kids to account. The big kids can scarper in that moment, mostly to non-exec boards on private companies or Nice. Or both.”

The big kids sound like they’ve still some growing up to do.

LCD Views can report his morning that for the many, not the few MPs are expected to step up to the plate and halt Brexit in the next few weeks, because it’s in their self-interest to do so.

“I wouldn’t say step up to the plate, so much as leap like a flock of sheep over an imagined hurdle once enough of them get it into their heads to do so,” our political analyst muses,

“there are of course numerous wolves in sheep’s clothing amongst the 650 MPs currently filing expense forms at Westminster, they genuinely couldn’t care less. They spend their days imagining tearing the underbelly out of the country and devouring it. They’re either presumed to be bought by dark money interests, under blackmail or just swivel eyed, ideologically driven lunatics, but the majority aren’t any of these terrible things. They do however lack courage. Courage only the ticking down of the clock will muster.”

But when will they act? A nervous country waits as the signs of complete political breakdown gather like scat filled storm clouds and the country’s political figurehead, the prime minister, is clearly just interested in adding to the blackmail, for want of any reasoned negotiating strategy. And her opposing number, the leader of the official opposition, is more interested in fevered backroom plotting than any serious leadership, or offering an alternative.

“This is why we can’t have a general election,” our analyst says, “what’s the point? Both main parties are offering Brexit. It’s likely the Conservatives would actually gain a majority because enough right of centre swing voters would vote for them, as a Tory Brexit is less terrifying than a Trot Lexit. And plenty of left of centre swing voters feel so justifiably betrayed by Magic Grandpa that they’ll put their votes elsewhere or spoil the ballot.”

So when will the mass of moderate, sane MPs act?

“Oh, as soon as enough perceive that it’s in their self interest.”

The leaders of the UK’s most powerful political parties have held a joint press conference today to declare a truce.

”Hopefully it will lead to a formal and permanent cessation of hostilities,” Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn, dressed appropriately in white, stated, “so we can focus on our real enemies, the ones within our own parties. Impurities must be flushed from the viral essence.”

Ms May, dressed disarmingly in a denim jumpsuit and a power chain, was similarly hopeful.

”This truce, declared today between myself and Jeremy, builds on the back channel talks that have been held in secret for a long time, in order to deliver Brexit for the British people and autocracy for all, whichever old party is in government, Brexit means Brexit.”

(pause for a meaningful stare to camera)

”While we have still been officially at war, the Labour and Conservative MPs who worked openly in 2011, but failed to deliver an IN/OUT EUref then, can come out of the corridors now and advance hand in hand to victory against jobs and the single market and all those bloody foreigners on March 29th.”

The leaders went on to confirm that recent defections from their respective parties by traitors would not dampen their enthusiasm to build a lasting understanding built on the wilful demolition of auto manufacturers in the U.K. by both a major union and disaster capitalists.

”Our focus at the next GE will be on unseating our own MPs. And that is something else we can both agree on as a greater priority than food and medicines.”

LCD Views has great news for people who want to work hard once and then retire with the announcement that due to a quirk in the law an alleged bank robber is to be allowed to keep the cash allegedly gained from an alleged bank robbery.

“It was only advisory,” Law Pants, QC, acting for the alleged robber told us, “so it’s not really a crime. My client stating on record, when allegedly planning the alleged heist of the British Democratic Bank, that the robbery would only be advisory and any resulting gain in monetary terms would be taken under consideration, but there was no actual mandated decision to keep or return the loot, so he can’t be held accountable,

“and funnily enough, get this! It’s a hoot!

“Due to a quirk in the law he gets to keep the result of the advisory raid on the Westminster branch of the British Democratic Bank because it can’t be ruled a robbery because it was only a theoretical exercise in smashing a western democracy, I mean bank vault! And too much time has passed anyway, because an alleged robbery has to be acted on legally within twenty four hours or you can’t touch the alleged robber. It’s quite a gordian knot! Someone really should just cut it!”

The news will make it easier for people planning further alleged heists of the British Democratic Bank and is encouraging for anyone worrying how they’ll feed their kids after inheriting millions and finding themselves feeling undeservedly god like, but kinda bored.

“It should help bring a feudal political system back to the United Kingdom,” Law Pants mused, “but I can’t personally see how it’s related to the advisory EU referendum held in 2016 and proven to be riddled with criminality and foreign influence at all.”

As Brexit day approaches faster than a speeding bullet, running away from a stationery gun (wood, paper or pencil), we can report that Westminster pollsters are predicting no less than 650 MPs are expected to belong to the new independent group in HoC by 10:59pm, 29th March, 2019.

“It still won’t be a party,” our pollster says, “as they’ll still be trying to pick a colour for the party logos. Some have said why not go with white? But Angela Smith didn’t start out so well and some would read the wrong message in that. She’s on behind the scenes duties now,

“Blue and red make purple. So that’s no good. Once they absorb the Libdems then red, blue and orange? I’d have to get my colour chart, but that’s probably brown? People would have fun with it,

I see the difficulties. At least they’ve got the gender balance nailed down right now. That’s a rare feat in British politics. Although, I guess that’ll change once more male MPs put their fingers to the winds.

“Yes. They’ll likely be allied to the Greens on many issues, so they could go for a striped colour. I’ve sent my ideas to them. Candy cane would be nice. But even without a banner they’ll still be the largest bloc in the House of Commons, in fact the only bloc.”

But wouldn’t they stop many of the headbangers joining them? After all, they left their respective parties to get away from the ERG, the Corbynistas and their handlers and enablers on both sides.

“Those are the same things. And as they’re not a party yet they can’t stop anyone joining them. Makes recruitment easier. Baby steps.”

What are the same thing?

“The ERG and the Corbynistas. They’re both after a good hard Brexiting. So on the most dominant policy issue facing the country, they’re the same, except for some difference to do with definite and indefinite articles. Just look at Hansard. Check out the voting records over time.”

But how can you be so sure that the independent group will be so large by 10:59pm, 29th March 2019?

“Because that’s a minute to Brexit. And believe you me, the moment Brexit occurs no politician in the UK will want to belong to a party that caused it. Not even the ones who caused it.”

LCD Views has an exclusive this morning after conducting fictional interviews with leading British politicians who voted to trigger Article 50 with no plan at all, other than to let Theresa May and the ERG do whatever the hell they like.

While there is still legal action ongoing over the validity of the Prime Minister’s decision to end life as we know it in the UK, we can get to the ass of the thinking of politicians involved in the vote.

“We should have triggered Article 50 on the morning of the 24th June,” Jeremy Corbyn, MP for Islington North, said (we think he did, the line was a little scratchy, so this is what we think he said), “that’s what I called for bold as brass in front of the television cameras. Not even a parliamentary vote as a fig leaf, just smash it all comrades. Revolution!”

Hang on, you expected to ride the crest of a wave of Euroskepticism straight into Downing Street and remake the UK? That doesn’t sound much of a plan, given you’d then be responsible for the dismantling of the United Kingdom’s entire international and economic framework.

“That is entirely my plan. Although I don’t want to get into Downing Street until after Brexit. Let the Tories take the blame by voting with the government at key stages of the process. Genius.”

What if your calculations are wrong? They’re based on respecting a referendum result now proven to be riddled with criminality and foreign influence.

“I love foreign influence. Just so long as it’s not Western foreign influence.”

But what if you’re wrong?

“It must have been the diesel fumes. But I’m never wrong. Just inhale.”

Okay, so the Labour leadership clearly had a deeply thought out plan to evade responsibility and then hope to profit politically, some might say, while further hoping to transform the country into the image it’s been daydreaming of since the 70’s, as the world changed and it didn’t.

What about the government?

“Brexit means Brexit,” Theresa May next told us, “and I’m going to make a success of it.”

You’re not really keeping up with events, are you? What was the plan behind the slogans?

“Who needs plans when you’re English and you have slogans? Johnny Foreigner will do as he’s told because we’re special.”

You’ve not really been keeping up with the way the world has changed either, gravitating into regional power blocs, meaning isolated countries, whatever their historical power, are going to be fighting like mad to hold it together.

“We’re Great Britain. Lesser people will bow to us in the end.”

But what if you’re wrong.

“I’ll blame it on diesel. Everyone can now blame anything that goes wrong with Brexit Britain on diesel.”

Maybe a better plan is to pause and reconsider?

“You need to get into the diesel. Diesel means diesel.”

Sigh. You better get back on that plane and go and talk to Brussels. I bet they have a plan and I bet they won’t be blaming the shift of investment and jobs to the EU27 on anything but Brexit and the politicians who voted to do it without a plan.

The Green Party faces extinction within England today after leading Tory Party brain box James Cleverly MP snatched pretty much all of the next generation of voters.

“You’ve got to patronise and mock the young’s fears if you want them to vote for you,” Mr (not so) Cleverly told LCD Views, over a champagne breakfast to celebrate his cunning tweeting.

The breakfast interview took place on an iceberg set adrift on the Thames near the Palace of Westminster.

“It’s quite a challenge to get the bollie drunk before the ice melts and you have to swim for shore!” James hooted.

He was dressed for the occasion too, in top hat and tails, looking like an extra from the famous photo of Dave, Boris and chums back when they were just bright eyed students.

We enjoyed a bacon butty with our champagne, the bacon dry cured over the ashes of a Brazilian rainforest to give it a futuristic flavour.

“I’m ravenous, for votes! Ha!” Mr (not so) Cleverly hooted again.

Unfortunately he looked likely to be ravenous for food to accompany the break fast fizz too, as the busy waters of the rising river melted the ice underneath his plate before he could tuck in.

“Now I know what it’s like to be a polar bear,” Mr (not so) Cleverly looked temporarily downcast, “but wait, I’ll just go to the shore over there and everything will be fine. Polar bears are dumb.”

That’s a polarising statement.

“With any luck the local authority will fine the parents of the kids who bunked off school yesterday,” he added, “it’s a good system, the fining for absenteeism. The poorer you are, the more it hurts, the more it hurts, the more you learn them.”

But don’t you think it might be helpful to your party, one with a membership that is physically dying and geriatric, to engage with the young voters who are so traumatised by the wanton destruction of their planet, they are prepared to take to the streets in terror of what the future holds?

“Why bother? By the time the earth cooks and everything dies except for pond slime I’ll be long gone.”

If the pond slime is still present, you will be too.

“Excuse me?”

Don’t worry, you’ll hear about it at the ballot box soon enough. Not content with stripping away the opportunities of the young to freely engage in Europe, you’re now also signalling you’ll do bugger all to save the planet they’re expected to live on.

“Clever by name, clever by nature.”

LCD Views has been out on the streets of Britain overnight to conduct the largest nocturnal survey of voter attitudes ever undertaken by a fictional, global news enterprise.

“We figured it was best to do it at night,” our head of non-existent surveys said, “because the leadership of both major parties are determined to keep everyone in the dark regarding their intentions on Brexit.”

To get to the pulse of everyones’ multitudinous attitudes, but present it as a soundbite, we first stopped by an emergency mushroom farm, currently being constructed in the entrance to the Channel Tunnel on the English side.

“Keep them in the dark and feed them sh*t,” chief mushroom farmer for Labour, Keir Starmer MP, told us, “this is a cross party initiative to ensure voters have work ongoing in either a Labour ‘not one job left’ Brexit or the Tory ‘right wing kleptomaniacs are going to take all your stuff’ one.”

But as he isn’t a voter in the regular sense, we spoke to one of the workers on the site.

“We grew mushrooms in the blitz,” A. Eejit shrugged, “we’ll grow mushrooms after Brexit. Just let them get on with it.”

Well clearly A. Eejit is very relaxed. Next we took the pulse of voter attitudes in a pub.

“Oh, a couple of shots of tequila, a double gin and tonic and anything hallucinogenic,” we asked the bartender and didn’t get much else done immediately. But after a while we settled into an in-depth conversation with some urinal cakes.

“Don’t worry, we’ll just chillax,” the urinal cakes told us, “much like the mass of ‘I’m alright jack’ voters who are just expecting common sense to return of its own accord before the 29th March, we’re perfectly happy to sit here and be pissed on.”

So there you have it, mass of moderate MPs who could stop this catastrophic reduction of the UK by a criminal mob of disaster capitalists and totalitarian minded, zealot MPs, no one is really worried, just take your time, we’ll just chillax. Oh and stockpile food. We’ll do that too. The people who don’t do it will need somewhere to raid in the food riots when they get peckish.

“Remember, it’s best to put party before country,” the actual urinal added before we got lost on the way home, “Don’t any MPs dare to form a sufficient cross party bloc to stop this juggernaut of shite before March 29th, the voters won’t mind.”

LCD Views can report that there’s finally insight into why Westminster appears to be lacking an opposition to the countrycide currently being pursued by the May government.

“He’s told us,” our political insides and other guts, analyst says.

Who? What? When? Why?

”Jeremy Corbyn. He says he forgot he was leader of the official opposition at Westminster.”

Just like he forgot to mention the possibility of a People’s Vote when he penned his little staged managed missive, not in anyway written out of a cynical media strategy with the prior knowledge of the Tories, to the PM with his negotiating position for helping her reduce the U.K. to rubble via Brexit?

”Now that’s a long question with many moving parts, but in a word, yes.”

Well, will he be doing anything to improve his memory? Sudoku maybe? Cryptic crosswords? Learning a foreign language? Perhaps there’s other really important things he’s forgotten.

”Oh, I don’t think he’s bothered by the lapse in memory. Even if it’s a really bad one for the many, but not the few.”

Next you’ll be saying he forgot he three line whipped to trigger Article 50. Or he forgot he banged on about a jobs first Brexit for years.

”When it was blatantly obvious that any Brexit is a jobsicide?”

That’s right.

”Oh, I don’t think he’ll have trouble remembering his finest moments in politics. He’s waited so very long for them.”

You’re forgetting he singlehandedly convinced Charles Kennedy to oppose the second Iraq War.

”Who? Only Corbyn opposed it at Westminster.”

It seems we’re all having memory troubles! But what’s he going to do now he’s remembered he’s leading the official opposition at Westminster?

”Forget again.”