Category: Democracy

A notorious con man is being sought today after the attempted sale of London Bridge to any sucker stupid enough to buy it.

The man, described by witnesses as “buffoonish, bouncy, blonde, with a childish sense of entitlement, reckless disregard for truth and the sort of bully who would smash a child over in a game of rugger just for the sweet, sweet taste of it” was spotted Saturday pitching his con to a packed hall in famous kid’s toy factory JCB (they make diggers – batteries included).

”He was very brazen about it,” a witness told LCD Views, “he claimed he could get you any bridge you like. It didn’t have to be Tower Bridge, although he was planning on drawing down his bridge collection and wanted to raise cash in the process. That’s why he was selling Tower Bridge.”

But LCD Views can confirm, after a search of the deeds at Land Registery, that the grand and intricate Tower Bridge (located in central London and often mistaken for London Bridge – because the current London Bridge is a bit meh) that the real owner of Tower Bridge is a Mr Smith, Thornton Heath, who purchased the bridge at a house clearance auction in 1985, and owns it still to this day.

We spoke to the police officer leading the search for the man to learn more.

”What can I tell you?” D.C. Fibbs asked us.

More?

”Thomas or…”

Just get on with it, please.

”Okay dokey. The man is notorious.”

We told everyone that right at the start. What else have you got?

”Well, I don’t got any bridges!”

D.C. Fibbs, this kind of wiffle waffle suggests you don’t have any leads.

”I’ve got one for a dog.”

Sigh.

Anyone spotting the bridge obsessive is advised to stuff their fingers in their ears and run for the nearest ballot box. More on this as it develops.

British prime minister Arlene Foster was popping the champagne corks and celebrating at 10 Downing Street tonight after she survived a vote of no confidence in the House of Commons.

“Ms Foster benefited from the fixed term parliament act really,” our Westminster watcher, Mrs S Cream, phoned in, “the act was brought into law because David Cameron and his chumocracy chum chums figured they’d need a maximum of five years to gut the Liberal Democrats politically and get us back to a two party system. It also benefits all the crooked and lying MPs who know that it’s unlikely they’ll be turfed out onto a gold plated pension before they’ve properly lined their nests.”

But that rant against the fixed term act aside, Ms Foster has shown just how smart she was to not only employ Theresa May as her deputy, but get Theresa May to pay her in excess of a billion pounds for the privilege.

“If Jeremy ‘fencepost’ Corbyn was not a Brexiter things may have turned out differently in the House of Commons this evening,” Ms S Cream notes, “as there is bugger all chance of any Conservative MPs acting to bring about the downfall of their own government just to watch a bunch of old commies pull off Lexit.”

Ms Foster was expected to have a terrible day, hot on the heels of her deputy’s total thrashing on the WA vote last night, but Mr Corbyn’s cunning, waiting a month to call the No Confidence vote, after Ms Foster was buoyed by winning a vote of confidence in her as prime minister, and now in her government, well, someone has a lot to be thankful for over the quality of opposition they face.”

After the fizz has been consumed and the celebrations died down Ms Foster is expected to get right back to work telling Ms May exactly what she has to do each day if she wants to cling onto her job for another twenty four hours.

“This is why British democracy is the envy of the world,” Ms S Cream adds, before going into a cupboard to scream.

Jeremy Corbyn has been advised to order a bicycle courier for later this week to ferry his few meagre belongings to 10 Downing Street.

The advice comes after Labour are certain to triumph in the looming No Confidence vote in Theresa May’s shambolic and vicious administration.

In spite of rent-a-gobs, baffled BBC journalists and Twitterati blithely assuming the government will easily put down the No Confidence motion and carry on doing whatever it is they’re doing, the stars are aligning for a different outcome.

“Mercury is in the ascendant and Pluto is beside the fire hydrant,” our political mystic advises, after gazing at the stars high on meth during the night, “and the Tory Party will not let go this dazzling chance to save themselves.”

Save themselves by passing the flaming can of Brexit shite over to someone as deluded as most of themselves?

“That’s right,” mystic meth replies, “Jeremy ‘Castro’ Corbyn will have his chance to go to Brussels and shout cake.”

How’s that going to work out for him?

“You don’t need me to tell you that.”

But doesn’t it mean he has to orchestrate either revocation of Article 50 and the enduring scorn of his revolutionary chums, or the destruction of the United Kingdom as we know it?

“Yes. The Tories maybe incredibly cruel and sociopathic, but they’re not stupid.”

So carry the can and pass the parcel.

“And if Corbyn isn’t careful he’ll be the one left standing when the music stops.”

Be careful what you wish for. You may just get it.

Theresa May and her one remaining loyal colleague (not so much a colleague as a toilet roll) played a blinder overnight as she seeks to increase the chances of her Brexit deal getting through parliament.

“Who will rid me of this troublesome speaker?” Ms May was heard to shout, while in the 10 Downing Street W.C., “I need a pliant speaker!”

What followed, according to unreliable witnesses, was a muttered discussion, before Ms May emerged fragrant and triumphant.

“I love it when a plan comes together!” she exulted the empty room, lucky toilet roll raised high.

From that moment it was all go. Our parliamentary correspondent has the scoop.

“The moment she conceived of the wheeze to privatise the office of the speaker it was non-stop action inside 10 Downing Street,” says our ear to the door, “she was on the blower and straight onto Seaborne Freight to see if they wanted to supply a new, zero hours contract speaker to fill the seat left vacant by disloyal old Bercs.”

But isn’t the job of choosing a speaker that of parliament?

”Not since the passing of the EU Withdrawal Bill last year and a little noticed clause giving the executive the power to instantly outsource any office of state so long as it’s first labelled ‘unforeseen’ and an ‘emergency’.”

And getting rid of Bercow is an emergency?

”Most definitely! He’s baffling the hell out of all the other old boys. He’s a Tory MP putting an interest that is not that of the Tory Party first. Complex and dangerous mind game to play. The entire fabric of our governance is tearing apart. Both sides of the house know party interests first. That’s the rule. May had to act.”

But will Seaborne Freight be able to supply a speaker in time for today?

”Of course, they’ve pulled one of the spotty teenagers out of catering college and told them it’s down to the Commons for you and not the ship’s mess.”

But they won’t know what to do.

”Of course they will. They’ll do exactly what the executive branch tells them to do.”

Order! Order! What would you like to order?

Westminster police are appealing for the assistance of the public today after the release of the image of a notorious fly pitcher spotted flogging peerages from an open briefcase on College Green.

“She could talk the knickers off a nun,” PC Dee Tective, in charge of efforts to combat illegal street trading in the area, told our crime and punishment correspondent, “well, not so much talk, but offer an incentive of either a billion pounds or a knighthood.”

The street hawker, nicknamed Bung by locals, is held in little affection in the locality and over the last several years has become an increasing nuisance to people attempting to get anything useful done.

“It’s mostly the way Bung calls out when she stalls out,” Dee explained, “knighthood means knighthood, peerage means peerage, privy council means privy council, red, white and blue knighthoods, pick any colour you like! They’re all red, white and blue! Like this. Day in and out. It’s driving people nuts.”

Of course more serious is the loss of credibility of the honour system, an integral part of British democracy, as Bung flogs counterfeit or damaged honours for a song from the paving, before legging it.

“There’s some many knights and lords, dames and damsels wandering about College Green now it’s hard to know who to doff your cap to,” PC Tective said, “and not to mention the waste created. Knock off knighthoods spoil rapidly. Bung dumps them in the alleyways if she gets the merest whiff of myself or one of my colleagues. They don’t half stink. I think she’s losing her touch a bit, as she used to shred any evidence of wrongdoing, not just discard it willy nilly.”

But the scourge of College Green may soon be feeling a little hot under the collar.

“There’s a big vote in the House of Commons coming up tomorrow,” PC Dee Tective said, “you can bet your last squid Bung will be out on the pavement attempting to make a killing this afternoon. And we’ll be ready to pounce. Unless of course we’ve been ordered not to intervene by some mysterious, shadowy mastermind higher up the food chain.”

Anyone seeing Bung is asked to phone the police and report the sighting and is advised not to approach.

“We don’t need any have a go heroes. Let us do our job. You get too close to bung you’re liable to discover later that your freedom to move across an entire continent has been robbed from your back pocket.”

Police up and down the country have been alerted to the threat posed by the Yellow Vest movement. Coppers have been ordered to take a zero-tolerance attitude towards anyone in a yellow vest acting suspiciously.

This hair-trigger attitude is making few friends, but it is at least an effective deterrent. Anyone in a light-coloured reflective jacket desecrating a vegan sausage roll gets lumped into a van and taken to the nearest nick to cool down.

However, the policy can backfire. Take a recent incident in which an over-keen policewoman arrested herself. LCD Views went down to the cells at Gammon-under-Pineapple police station to speak with the miscreant.

“I was getting ready for work, putting on my hi viz jacket, when I noticed this smug, foreign-looking woman in a yellow vest,” explained PC Myra Flection. “I tried to ignore her, but I kept catching sight of her everywhere in shop windows, puddles, you name it. She kept pace with me exactly. Well, I was in a right state when I walked into the station, I can tell you. I went straight up to the front desk and reported her.”

What happened next?

“I said, Sarge, I said, there’s this yellow vest woman stalking me,” said Flection. “What does she look like, he asked. Like that!! I said, pointing at her staring out of the mirror at me. Well, I didn’t waste any time, I marched right up to her and put the cuffs on.”

How did you manage that?

“She came right up to me too,” recalled Flection. “The only way to get the cuffs on was to put them on myself. So I walked back to the desk and handed myself in.”

Fair enough.

Back up at the front desk, Sergeant Evan Elpmee clarified what had happened. “PC Flection is keen, but as bright as a thirteen-watt bulb,” he explained. “And I’m talking about daffodil bulbs! She’s in the cells for the safety of the residents of Gammon-under-Pineapple.”

It’s certainly worth reflecting upon.

Signs of a vibrant and healthy parliamentary democracy in the United Kingdom are everywhere today afterTheresa May published her New Year’s Honours List for 2018.

“How did you find out about the honours list?” Mr Stone Wall, aide to the PM phoned up and demanded to know, “the list was snuck out last night while the majority of Britons were distracted by trying to work out if the leftover wedge of Christmas turkey was now too toxic to eat.”

How did you find out we found out? Is there a mole in our office? Or some other burrowing mammal? We demanded to know in return.

“Everything you do is being recorded,” the aide menaced, and then the line went dead.

The honours list includes numerous surprises, as with every year.

Chris Grayling has been knighted for services to transportation.

Jeremy Corbyn, MP for Islington North (until the next GE), has been knighted for services to Brexit. In consideration of his complete voting record of opposing anything EU related for decades, there’s no surprises there.

John Redwood knighted for services to idiocy. Of course.

But most surprising of all in the list was the inclusion of the prime minister herself.

”She’s knighted herself in the hope she’ll still vote for her Brexit deal when it comes before parliament in January,” our parliamentary correspondent observed, “although that’s a close run thing, as it’s highly likely she won’t bring her deal before parliament ever, for fear of losing the vote. In fact it’s more than likely she’ll use emergency powers to disband parliament completely.”

So she’s knighted herself for nothing?

”Not necessarily,” our correspondent observes, “no one, except perhaps Nigel Farage, and any MP who voted to trigger Article 50 without any care for what happened after, has done more in recent years in the service of traditional British xenophobia.”

Special Manager Jose Mourinho has vowed to move on to bigger and better things. After being sacked by Manchester United for being only moderately successful, he has set his ambitions on becoming a Special Prime Minister.

“It’s the biggest job in the world!” he claimed. “It’s the only job I’ve ever wanted, and there have been lots of them along the way!”

Mourhino believes he was born to do the job.

“I have all the necessary qualities,” boasted Mourinho. “I can be be really clear about my mixed messages, blame everyone else for my mistakes, and of course I can get you out of Europe faster than Marcus Rashford goes down under pressure in the penalty area.”

International politics requires you to be a diplomat. “I can be diplomatic!” Mourinho says. “Hostile environment? You got it, just ask Paul Pogba!”

Ah, Pogba. Why bring in a player for almost £90m, then not let him play? “It’s like being Brexit Secretary,” he explained. “Strictly a figurehead. I used to like him, until I found out he was French.”

Mourhino has no regrets. “Sometimes it is necessary to spend vast sums of money for no discernible return,” he said. “If it’s good enough for Theresa May, it’s good enough for me!”

Another footballing metaphor is relevant. “Sometimes it is good to be relegated,” Mourhino said. “Although the drop from Premier League to Fourth Division is a bit extreme! We will ditch all the expensive foreign players and rebuild using British pub league guys.”

Who will survive to play in Mourhino’s team? “May is too one-dimensional,” he said. “I’ll play Gove, he’s a slippery character. Corbyn, he’s useless but I need a left winger. Hammond, he’s old-fashioned but reliable. But I really need a whole new team!”

Just don’t forget that you will need a proper backstop.

Theresa May announced to the House of Commons yesterday that as part of ongoing government preparations for Brexit she will begin wearing military uniforms whenever talking to voters, or addressing parliament.

”She hasn’t decided on what rank to give herself,” Mr Cavalier, policy aide to 10 Downing Street told us, “but clearly it’s got to be senior. Once she settles on what kind of general she is then we’ll have a parade.”

Will everyone be invited?

”They already are, whether they like it or not. But she has the overwhelming support of a majority of the British people for this change in style, both dress and management. She’s really just following the instructions of the people.”

I guess she’ll be needing medals too?

”Yes. She’s now many famous victories defending the motherland. She’s won the war on immigrants. She triumphed over the poor. She’s just destroyed a sense of financial security for millions, that was do or die. Imagine the chaos now if Ed Milliband hadn’t fallen into the bacon sandwich trap? And May’s predecessor Corporal Cameron had lost? It doesn’t bear thinking about. Oh, and parliament will now be in permanent recess, as a mark of respect for General May’s wisdom.”

But what has the Labour leadership to say on this?

”It’s okay,” a spokesman for Jeremy Corbyn commented, “it paves the way perfectly for when Jeremy seizes power once the bourgeoisie are eating out of bins, post Brexit. He’s already practising wearing a beret and giving six hour talks straight to a television camera.”

Fiscal and moral relief in the ranks of government today with the passing of the great ‘Klepto Act’,which allows MPs to open up about the influence of foreign oligarchs in British politics, and not fear any consequences.

”We had to act on what is clearly now an entrenched aspect of our national politics,” Mr Byeme, Tory MP for Feudalism, told LCD Views, “too many senior MPs were having sleepless nights worrying what would happen if the amount of Russian. Saudi and US cash shoved into their greedy hands, in return for favourable policy decisions, was revealed.”

The act itself has long been rumoured to be approaching the statute books and was rushed into existence in a special, private sitting of parliament early Sunday morning.

”We didn’t want to make a great public fanfare about it till it was passed,” Mr Byeme explained, “but happily it was after Labour abstained on the vote with a nod and a wink. The DUP were right up for it. Christopher Upskirting tabled it and no one objected, largely because any of the irritating MPs who refused to be bought weren’t even told the vote was happening. Lammy, Grieve, Cooper, Lucas, Lee and so on, they were all at other things. Strike while the iron is hot! Ha!”

Under the provisions of the act senior Tory politicians will now just be able to say how much they have accepted, which offshore account it went into, who it came from, and then laugh.

”This is really a cross party initiative. Foreign influence and data crime crosses the political spectrum. It’s how we do business in a 21st century U.K. rapidly accelerating into the past.”

It’s believed now was felt to be the best time to get the Klepto Act into law.

”It helps prepare the country for Brexit,” Mr Byeme said, “and sees off any sticky issues that may arise once Mueller begins to dismantle publicly the international criminal conspiracy that is taking our representative democracies and flushing them down the toilet.

”It means we can more easily replace lost financial services with a mass increase in money laundering after Brexit. A field in which we’re already world leaders, between you and me. It’s just strong and stable government in action.”