May to call snap general election to increase Tory majority for negotiations with the DUP

There is a buzz inside the Westminster bubble this evening with news that ceremonial prime minister Theresa May is to call a snap general election in order to increase her negotiating strength with the DUP.

“She’s shrewd,” a BBC journalist who is said to know a lot about politics commented, “this will catch Arlene Foster and her handful of MPs completely off guard. The EU will be thrown into a tailspin too. We have to keep them off guard. Sooner or later they’ll just agree to whatever half baked nonsense the PM turns up with, just to make it all stop and go away.”

It’s believed the election will be held as soon as this coming Friday so that the Maybot will hold in her hand sufficient strength to force the DUP to agree to whatever last minute, make it up as you go idea May and her crack team of brains come up with next.

“It’s strategic genius of the quality we’ve come to expect from Downing Street,” the BBC journalist gushed, reading off a prepared script faxed over from the PM’s office, “to pretend the Brexiters know how to square the circle of the border issue while sticking to the red lines the deep thinkers behind Brexit demand. If only everyone would just trust everything will be alright we could get on with making up a success of Brexit.”

If all goes to plan the Conservatives will hold a minimum of a hundred seat majority by Saturday and it won’t matter how much money the DUP offer to pay back to the Tories to be in coalition again.

“Arlene won’t know which way to turn. Clearly extricating the Tories from being bossed by the DUP is the most important issue now for Britain’s future.”

People suggesting the DUP are doing to the Tories what the Tories are doing to the entire United Kingdom are asked to check their privilege at the door and align their priorities with Theresa May as she makes a success of DUPxit.

David Davis only handed over 52% of impact assessments because the other 48% doesn’t matter

David Davis, MP for at least a full half an arse, has coming out swinging this afternoon in the face of criticism of his having redacted information from the so called Brexit impact assessments.

“I gave the select committee of meddling representatives the 52% that matters,” he blustered, “the other 48% is of no consequence anymore. It’s blindingly obvious if you see how we behave. The final decision of democracy in the U.K. was taken on the 23rd June 2016.

He expressed further concerns that the EU might have spies within the actual committees of government as further reason for withholding information in spite of the direction of parliament.

“He’s trying to add to the mood music,” an aide to Davis told LCD, “EU spies and potential leaked and traded information. It’s guff to try and instill an us versus them. When we all know currently it’s them, our own MPs, versus us the people.”

There is some sense in that given that expecting the EU has things to find out about the UK is a bit like expecting any couple getting divorced after forty odd years of marriage not to know each other inside out.

Davis is talking nonsense. It’s the people he serves he doesn’t want to see whatever perfunctory work he’s done.

Although Davis will continue to bluster and waste time before capitulating. The defining trait of the May administration.

“Davis should just have handed over 1% of the reports,” LCD’s Tax Haven specialist commented, “as that is really the only percent that is being served by Brexit.”

Government criticised for not releasing full statements of the obvious by opposition obviously not fully in opposition to the government

The government has faced stinging criticism this morning for failing to release full statements of the obvious by the official opposition who are obviously not fully in opposition to the government.

“Let me make this clear,” Chuka Umunna MP for Streatham said, after LCD Views put more accurate words in his mouth, “just because I personally voted with the government to trigger Article 50 before seeing any Brexit impact assessments, and so being able to better judge the wisdom of my vote with the government, should not prevent me continuing to play politics on Brexit now.

I am after all, in theory, a member of the official opposition, so long as I am able to keep an uneasy truce with Momentum, or at least keep them out of my local area.”

Other opposition MPs not really in opposition to the government also joined the call to have the statements of the obvious released or the government to be judged in contempt of parliament, even though it’s obvious the government holds parliament in contempt all the time.

Keir Starmer is noted for his deft and ongoing dance with Brexit, as he challenges the government on their shambolic management of the issue that will decide everyones’ future, while being in a party whose leadership keeps voting with the government at every crucial moment.

“I just wish Corbyn and McDonnell and the rest would let me off the leash to go after this bloody government,” He didn’t say, but probably wants to, “They keep promising me, tomorrow, tomorrow, it’s always tomorrow.”

Asked for an explanation of why the impact assessments have been edited before delivering to the relevant committee a spokesman for David Davis replied,

“Isn’t it obvious?”

“Look, let’s be optimistic about Labour,” LCD Views’ top shelf political analyst commented, “either Labour is playing a clever and cynical game over Brexit, waiting for the government to wound itself sufficiently so they can pivot with public opinion and tear May out of Downing Street, and with her Brexit, or we’re all doomed.”

It’s obvious.

Harry warned not to consummate marriage to Meghan as it will be annulled 11pm 29/03/19

Prince Harry, said to be as stunned as everyone else by news of his engagement, has been warned not to consummate his impending marriage to Wallis Simpson on the basis that it will be annulled at 11pm 29/03/19.

The shocking advice comes as a result of the United Kingdom’s expected lurch back in time that is pencilled in to occur at that moment as the magic power of Brexit consumes the Kingdom.

“It’s just rum luck,” a spokesman for the Ministry of Royal Affairs informed LCD’s only royalwatcher.

“Have you seen how much EU heritage she has in her background?”

There is genuine concern within the government, especially amongst hard Brexiters, that Meghan maybe a spy planted by Junker. This is because hard Brexiters are idiots.

“It’s possibly your classic honey trap. I mean wow. Chap like Harry meets a mysterious and previously unheard of girl like Meghan? And she’s bonkers for him from the off? You’ve got to ask yourself if this is Tusk’s work.”

You have if you read the Daily Mail.

“It’s just country before individual I’m afraid,” the spokesman added, “we will be planning an invasion of the Spanish Netherlands for April of 2019 in order to recapture the EMA.. If she’s a spy planted by the EU there’s no telling what they may do.”

Asked what they will do if Harry ignores the advice and he falls pregnant prior to 29th March 2019, the spokesman was phlegmatic.

“We will need governors for the colonies. I suspect they will be happy in the antipodes. Thank Christ he’s not first in line or we’d have to declare Brexitania a republic.”

Christmas 2017 in doubt after Santa Claus fails to apply for visa in time

Parents are being advised to manage the expectations of their children today after news broke that famous Laplander, Santa Claus, has failed to apply in time for a visa.

“Even if he did and he crosses the border, it’s likely he will be detained until he proves he has a right to enter the United Kingdom,” an official for the Home Office advised LCD Views.

As anecdotal stories start to circulate of most likely illegal actions targeting EU nationals, it is probably just as well Santa is being forced to dodge a potential billet.

“Oh, we wouldn’t shoot him. Brexit is a front for fascists, but we’re only doing fascism light at the moment and arbitrarily locking up EU nationals at great personal cost, to them, till they prove they have the right to be here. The hard stuff comes from 2019.”

It’s believed this humane new directive is being done as a light touch way of convincing EU nationals they really will be happier staying across the channel with their youth, energy, education and often capital.

“Santa should have lodged his visa entry application form in January to have had any hope of gaining permission in time for Christmas 2017. Please be sure to explain properly to your children it was his fault and not our new policy of creeping xenophobia resulting from Brexiters gaining control throughout government.”

Hopefully an English Santa can be sourced locally and taught to fly a magic sleigh powered by flying reindeer in time for Christmas.

“Don’t go giving people false hope now. Although I have heard a digital Santa will be ready in time for Christmas 2018, maybe.”

Two honest hard working public figures constantly checking Expedia for best “political asylum” deals

LCD Views can report this morning that the spike in Expedia searches for “best location to go into political asylum?” is rumoured to be the result of internet use by two hardworking public officials and their friends.

“It’s not the actions of Russian bots,” LCD’s Sunny Climes analyst advises, “this is definitely the action of real people conducting real searches.”

The analyst can tell this because the searches appear to be conducted at two key moments.

Firstly, when people are usually on the toilet with a smartphone and secondly, any time any media organisation runs a story linking the public figures more closely to a certain high earning, well known character actor from Russia who likes to donate time and energy to the exotic causes he believes in.

“The big problem seems to be each time they search for a hotel somewhere in the Russian Federation the result says rooms are either ‘unavailable’ or ‘fully booked’.”

It’s believed the Ecuadorean embassy was traditionally a good place for such short breaks, only one holidaymaker booked in for a weekend years ago and is yet to check out.

“I hear they’ve also been madly checking out the best priced Russian language lessons and making dozens of profiles on dating sites popular with hot, young blonde Russian women who desire ‘virile, manly, Western man with lots of opportunities who may or may not work on a zero hours contract for the Kremlin.”

Inquiries as to why they are so far unable to reserve a room in Moscow or Sochi or somewhere like that, just met with gales of laughter.

“You keep your useful idiots close, but only an amateur keeps them that close.”

Famous author of fiction under suspicion of violations animal welfare act 2006

LCD Views can report today that a world famous author of fiction is under suspicion for violations of the animal welfare act 2006.

Under the act it is an offence to cause unnecessary suffering to animals.

It’s believed the author, Mr Davis, has locked one thousand chimpanzees in a basement with one thousand typewriters and ordered them to write a work of fiction he accepted a commission of but is yet to write, even though the date for submission has passed.

“The advance he has been paid is eye watering,” LCD’s Political Fiction specialist advises, “millions and millions of pounds and there’s nothing to show for it. The publishing house has staked its reputation, indeed its future, on the publication of ‘The Brexit Impact Assessments’. He has to come up with the goods or they’re stuffed.”

It’s not clear what the plot of the story is, but the premise is believed to be a moral tale of what happens when you let a bunch of useless idiots, acting as fronts for disaster capitalists, run your country.

“I guess we should be a little sympathetic. He took the job on thinking he could just steal other people’s ideas and adapt them and present than as his own, something he is rumoured to have done in the past, then bluster and bully his way around the media circuit until everyone gets fed up and buys a copy of his book to make him go away.”

But it seems he wasn’t able to do that this time, even if, and it’s just if, he has built his career that way so far.

“He’s going to end up in the dock. We all know under the 2006 act you can cause necessary suffering to an animal, but locking them in a room and saying they can’t come out until they’ve written a horror story like ‘Brexit Impact Assessments’, all fifty eight chapters?

No human could do survive that, let alone a monkey with a typewriter.”

Community group failing to organise piss up in a brewery suspected of wanting all the beer for themselves

LCD can reveal today that a local community group is increasingly under suspicion for failing to organise a well publicised piss up in a nearby brewery, just so the organisers can drink all the beer themselves.

“It’s obvious to me,” Mr Conned Citizan told LCD Views, “You simply can’t be as bad at organising something as that mob are unless you want the party not to happen in the first place.”

So does Mr Citizan expect the event to be called off?

“We’ve all bought a ticket, whether or not we wanted to,” he replied, “The local council agreed to part fund the piss up with our council tax, which many of us protested against, but they argued it’s in the interest of the entire community to come and get blathered, fall out with each other, fight, get arrested, appear in court, get discharged on a community order and call in relationship counsellors to force us all to make up after. So we all got a ticket.”

The organising committee itself said they are “straining every sinew, putting every tiger in every tank, and we are confident that the piss up will happen at the brewery on the advertised date and everyone will have a fantastic time.”

But Mr Citizan isn’t buying it.

“You know they’ve already asked the council for another sub? And the council has handed the money over. I only just found out that the guy who does the finances at the local authority is the cousin of one of the organisers of the piss up. It’s blatant corruption.”

There does seem to be reasonable grounds for suspicion. LCD Views have studied the charter of the community organisation responsible for the event and found that every single rule in the charter ends with the statement, “we get a free bar and we get to decide who drinks at said free bar”.

For balance, we spoke to a local figure, who was initially reluctant to support the event on the grounds of being a lifelong teetoller, but who seems recently to have had a charge of heart.

“I want the piss up to go ahead,” Mr Temperance stated, “I want them all to make themselves violently ill on as much beer as they can manage, vomit all over the shop, and swear off drink for life. It’s the only way they’ll come around to my way of seeing things.”

The organising committee are nonplussed, recently commenting,

“There is absolutely no way any invitations to the piss up won’t be honoured on the day and we have absolutely no intention of turning the event into a lock-in session for ourselves to get as pissed as we like while the rest of the community stands locked outside parched.”

Well, if you can’t trust their word, what can you trust? Bottoms up!

Heavyweight George Freeman fails to land knockout punch after giving May a good grilling

Tory Policy Advisor and former heavyweight boxer George Freeman has resigned. This latest blow has left Theresa May punch-drunk but somehow still standing.

Freeman, who also moonlights as a grill salesman, is jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire of reforming the Conservative Party. This story has been simmering away for some time, before boiling over earlier this week.

He recently issued a stark warning to May’s government that Brexit risked turning the UK into an old folks’ home that can’t pay for itself. In other words, after Brexit the country could well be a bit like the House of Lords.

It is natural to conclude that Freeman’s resignation means that his warning was ignored. With so much at stake (medium rare, with onions), anyone predicting burnt offerings is being frozen out.

Freeman has, in the past, warned that the Conservatives are failing to attract the younger generation. To this end he organised ‘GlastonTory’ which was every bit as successful as it sounds. Young people are now flocking to ignore the Tories.

One barrier to youth appeal must be the Young Conservatives. It is rumoured that, in order to join the YC, you must undergo an initiation ceremony. Among the alleged required rituals, you must burn money in front of homeless people, and perform unspeakable acts upon a pig’s head.

Freeman’s constituents seem unconcerned. Typical opinions coming out of Mid Norfolk can be roughly sorted into three categories. Firstly, it’s OK, he still has the grill business on the side. Secondly, a muttered “It’s normal for Mid Norfolk”. And finally, who the dickens is George Freeman?

May has now received so many blows to the head that there is a real danger of brain damage and dementia. If only she could afford to pay the fees at the old folks’ home…

The government is planning to introduce pay-per-vote in time for the next election

The success of pay-per-view for sporting events, and pay-as-you-go for mobile phones, has prompted the latest government initiative. Pay-per-vote is being made available to anybody who only engages in democracy on an occasional basis, and will be in place by the next general election.

This is also part of the austerity drive. Less than 100% of the population actually uses their vote, so there is no need to waste scarce resources on providing votes that will go to waste.

The Department of Democracy Is What We Say It Is sent spokesminion Zuffar Ghreatli to explain. “”This is a great day for democracy!”” claimed Ghreatli. “”Now people can access democracy at the point of sale. We are proud to announce that the post-Brexit UK will be the world leader in democratic processes.””

The inspiration apparently came from Margaret Thatcher introducing charges for eye tests. “”Yes, I think everyone would be happy to pay a small contribution,”” confirmed Ghreatli. “”This will ensure that people receive the best possible democracy for their money.””

Under the new system, a second opinion is available. “”In fact, you may have as many votes as you wish,”” Ghreatli explained. ““It is your right to buy as many as you require. This can only be for the good of the country.””

The opposition was not amused. ““This move removes the franchise from the poor,”” read a statement issued by the Shadow Minister for Democracy Is What We Say It Is. ““It is a blatant affront upon democracy, and we heartily reject the government’s proposals unless they threaten us again.””

The Shadow Minister himself is believed to be suffering from Tourette’’s Apoplexy, and only able to communicate in outbursts of obscenities.

“”Nonsense, our scheme opens up democracy,”” countered Ghreatli. ““If you approve of a candidate, you may now cast, four, ten or even a hundred votes to demonstrate your approval. As a bonus, subscribers are exempt from pay-per-vote, and may vote as many times as they please on production of their subscription card.””

To subscribe to democracy, simply join the Conservative Party. Subscription charges are as little as £50,000 per annum.