Exciting news for lovers of creating volcanoes today with the announcement that scientists are to drill into the earth’s mantle in the hope of finding a new source of integrity for British politics.
The work is scheduled to begin within the week in the centre of Westminster Green. We spoke to the head driller to learn more.
“With Big Ben being silenced currently it’s the perfect time to drill miles beneath the skin of the Earth and right into its molten heart,” D Riller, lead engineer, stated,
“we expect it will take about a week to get down as we’ll be using a replica of Michael Gove’s conscience as a drill head, and there’s absolutely nothing that can break or scratch that, it’s possibly the hardest substance known to mankind. Which is a bit weird, as its mostly empty atoms.”
It’s believed the potential benefits are many.
“We may find Lord Lucan. It’s highly possible that’s where he’s been hiding. Also the Brexit impact assessments in full. Theresa May’s ability to decide on a course of action that is feasible and stick to it. A source of cheap heat to replace the more dangerous hot air currently used to warm the houses of parliament.”
But what about the big prize?
“And then, there’s the chance we may just find an untapped well of integrity that we can use in British politics, which is largely lacking anything resembling it at the moment.”
But won’t there be resistance to returning integrity to politics in the UK, if it is found miles beneath the surface of the Earth?
“That’s why we’re going to attempt to create a small, just a small, manmade volcano at the same time. No chance the majority of serving politicians will stick about if there’s the slightest chance of a personal setback. We’ll be able to take that integrity and plug it into the mainstream.”
And what will it look like?
“About a hundred Ken Clarkes. A smattering of Anna Soubry’s and a couple of hundred Femi Oluwoles. Some Peter Kyles, and well, just a bunch of MPs prepared to vote against their parties on Brexit.”
Why the Femi’s?
“Because he’s a sign of the changing guard in British politics. The old hacks are mostly running around on pre-digital media patterns. The activists in their 20’s are going to tear that lot down over the next couple of years or two. With any luck.”
No Jeremy Corbyn’s?
“You’ve got to be having a laugh. He’s a Brexiter.”
Good luck with the work. It’s fair to say the country needs you to succeed in tapping a giant well of integrity, however deep you have to drill.