Scientists to drill into earth’s mantle in the hope of finding a new source of integrity for British politics

Exciting news for lovers of creating volcanoes today with the announcement that scientists are to drill into the earth’s mantle in the hope of finding a new source of integrity for British politics.

The work is scheduled to begin within the week in the centre of Westminster Green. We spoke to the head driller to learn more.

“With Big Ben being silenced currently it’s the perfect time to drill miles beneath the skin of the Earth and right into its molten heart,” D Riller, lead engineer, stated,

“we expect it will take about a week to get down as we’ll be using a replica of Michael Gove’s conscience as a drill head, and there’s absolutely nothing that can break or scratch that, it’s possibly the hardest substance known to mankind. Which is a bit weird, as its mostly empty atoms.”

It’s believed the potential benefits are many.

“We may find Lord Lucan. It’s highly possible that’s where he’s been hiding. Also the Brexit impact assessments in full. Theresa May’s ability to decide on a course of action that is feasible and stick to it. A source of cheap heat to replace the more dangerous hot air currently used to warm the houses of parliament.”

But what about the big prize?

“And then, there’s the chance we may just find an untapped well of integrity that we can use in British politics, which is largely lacking anything resembling it at the moment.”

But won’t there be resistance to returning integrity to politics in the UK, if it is found miles beneath the surface of the Earth?

“That’s why we’re going to attempt to create a small, just a small, manmade volcano at the same time. No chance the majority of serving politicians will stick about if there’s the slightest chance of a personal setback. We’ll be able to take that integrity and plug it into the mainstream.”

And what will it look like?

“About a hundred Ken Clarkes. A smattering of Anna Soubry’s and a couple of hundred Femi Oluwoles. Some Peter Kyles, and well, just a bunch of MPs prepared to vote against their parties on Brexit.”

Why the Femi’s?

“Because he’s a sign of the changing guard in British politics. The old hacks are mostly running around on pre-digital media patterns. The activists in their 20’s are going to tear that lot down over the next couple of years or two. With any luck.”

No Jeremy Corbyn’s?

“You’ve got to be having a laugh. He’s a Brexiter.”

Good luck with the work. It’s fair to say the country needs you to succeed in tapping a giant well of integrity, however deep you have to drill.

Boris Johnson under scrutiny after allowing think tank Black Shorts free use of FCO room

Boris Johnson is under renewed scrutiny today after allowing the Seventh Earl of Sidcup, Lord Roderick Spode’s, think tank the Black Shorts use of an FCO room for free to launch their latest bit of neocon, fascist nonsense.

“It’s not like Boris Johnson had a choice,” LCD’s Walks like a duck analyst commentated, “He has done zero, zilch, next to nothing to get Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe out of that Iranian hell hole prison because allegedly Philip Hammond won’t agree to pay up for her freedom and Boris, to be fair, allegedly doesn’t really give a shit. This is all just an irritation on his path to personal glory.”

So it seems Mr Johnson was forced to make another controversial move to create a distraction for the media?

“Yes, the Tories only have ‘dead cats’ left in their policy box. They don’t have truth to go on. Can you think of one area of public policy they haven’t screwed up? Brexit is a big lie that is eating them alive.

Really, how they expect to survive as a party with their membership physically dying, and their every move destroying the aspirations of young voters, is anyone’s guess. So they have to keep making distractions up while they ask anyone they can think of what’s the magical solution for all their problems.

Because it certainly isn’t getting back to truth! Just look at the nonsense their allied hard right, offshore for tax purposes, media baron pals are up to!”

So allowing Roderick Spode to launch his new policy on potatoes at the Foreign Office is just more of the same?

“Yes. Sky started focusing on the plight of Nazanin again so Boris Johnson needed to make a play or he maybe forced into a discussion about how they are unwilling to cough up on the historical debt to free her.”

It’s a good thing Spode’s Black Shorts were to hand!

“Indeed. The way things are going we’ll all be having our knees measured before we can get hold of one of those fantastic, world enlarging blue passports after Brexit.”

But couldn’t Boris Johnson have charged the Black Shorts for the use of them room and put that money in a pot, start saving towards Nazanin’s release?

“You missed the bit about him allegedly not really giving a shit, didn’t you.”

Old man misses trip of a lifetime after getting stuck in the 1970’s on Europe

An old man has reportedly missed the trip of a lifetime after he got stuck in the 1970’s on Europe.

“We all expected him to get stuck in an elevator to be honest,” a friend of the old man said, “he’s more at home walking up stairs slowly. It does take him some time to build up momentum.”

It’s believed the old man had been anticipating a long and fun journey aboard the ship of state, HMS 10 Downing Street, but he spent so long getting ready he missed the boat.

“He’s a bit puzzled,” the friend said, “he missed a few other boats back in the 50’s, 60’s and 1970’s and he really thought this time his ship had come in.

But when it looked like he was about to close his suitcase and get down to the port he suddenly remembered the EU is a corporate bully playground that only legislates all those minimum protections for democratic institutions, people’s rights and the environment because it’s a great cover for what they’re really doing by essentially making it easy for everyone on one continent to trade.

He had to call up a few people and organise some talking shops after the revelation. He should have kept packing his bag. He only had a pair of beige socks left to put in.”

We asked our travel analyst what he thought of the old man missing the boat?

“Some people think he can swim out and catch it still,” Pol Affairs mused, “but I don’t know if he’s a strong enough swimmer? It’s not really surprising.

You think about the time since he began preparing to catch the boat in earnest? Other people have done all the heavy lifting. The shirts. The underwear. The spare pair of canvas shoes.

He’s just wandered about talking about wanting to catch a boat. What move has he actually initiated personally?

I think he’s very good at encouraging people to go and vote for long ocean voyages, but that’s about it. A good campaigner. Endlessly walking to a port that is always a mile away.

It was the same when he played as a striker in his local league as a child.

You could stand him in front of an open goal, the goalie could be throwing up in the corner of the net because he was allowed too much pop drink before the game, and he simply would not strike the ball into the net. Over and over again.”

Apparently some people are considering commandeering a speed boat to use to take the old man out to the ship of state before it sails over the horizon, but we’ll have to wait and see if the old man is willing to move fast enough to get into it.

“It’s a shame really,” Pol Affairs added, “the crew of the ship are absolutely insane, no one is enjoying the voyage, it will be norovirus from port to port. The old man could have been useful on board washing everyone’s feet and hands. Oh and by stopping the ship plowing straight into that little island called GFA, because it’s off course and headed that way.”

Vultures reintroduced back into the wild as breeding pair of Paul Dacres released

Environmentalists are going bugshit with fury today at the amazing news that vultures have been reintroduced into the British countryside after a breeding pair of Paul Dacres were released.

The release of the pair took place in the Forest of Dean at midnight, after the saying of spells and the reading of omens.

“The first omens were bad,” Dr Dayley Fail told LCD’s environmental correspondent, Green Searchlight, “we kept killing chickens and spreading the entrails out on a cursed stone and they swirled into a swastika over and over. And not the good swastika, but the bad one, the clockwise one.”

Undeterred the team behind the project kept going.

“We just kept slaughtering different animals until we got the right amount of gore and guts slathered across the stone so it couldn’t swirl anymore. The Paul Dacres were going nuts trying to get to the stone.”

But why are environmentalists upset?

“Oh, you know what these cereal crunching, libtard, snowflake, democracy despising greenies are like. They’re banging on that the vultures aren’t native to the British landscape and will only reek and wreak havoc on the few wild animals we haven’t already killed off over the centuries.

But we have it on good authority, from an article in the Daily Mail printed in the early 1930’s that the vultures will thrive in the right conditions. They can’t stop us. If they do we will get about 1,000,000 spam bots onto them and sort them right out. Enemies of the people.”

So that’s good news.

It’s hoped the vultures will begin breeding this spring after raiding graveyards for newly buried skeletons. They build their nests from the bones and then shit on everything nearby to mark their territory.

“We only hope the fake news storymongers, Stop Funding Hate, don’t succeed in convincing our sponsors to withdraw funding until the vultures have succeeded in their task of turning the British countryside into a playground for tax dodgers.”

 

60 odd Tory MP’s write to Theresa May demanding to smell napalm in the mornings

LCD Views is ecstatic for democracy today with the news a rabble of sixty odd (very odd) Tory MP’s have writen a letter to prime minister Theresa May demanding to smell napalm in the mornings.

”They love the smell of napalm in the mornings,” Priti Patel, somehow still an MP, said of her colleagues in the ERG (it’s exactly the same as the Borg).

”They think the best way to get that heady scent right into the nostrils of the whole country is to start with complete economic instability.”

It’s a good starting point.

”After all, we send so many bombs overseas each year, why not sell some at home?”

A good point. It would certainly help re-vitalise the British tradition of civil war.

”Clearly the GFA is a bit of a stumbling block, so our solution to that is fuck it then. It’s only Irish people who will suffer and with our plan to enforce a naval blockade in the Irish Sea none of those troublemakers will make it over here.”

Its not clear how Theresa May will respond to the demands of the disaster capitalists, who would burn the world for a quick buck.

Terror probably. Catatonic confusion, certainly.

”Theresa is locked in the toilet shouting at the toilet brush,” Damien Green told LCD, “in theory she’s practising set lines for the Chequers team building workshop, but security have been in five times already this morning to ask what all the confused screaming means.”

Is it  coming to the end game time for Theresa the Appeaser?

”It’s their heads on spikes,” Damien agreed, “or hers. And if it hers, it’s the entire country’s. Fight the ERG or be assimilated.”

Conservatives and Labour front benches to hold joint Brexit away day so they can continue to present a united front to Europe

Great news for supporters of Brexit in the United Kingdom today with the announcement that the Conservatives and Labour front benches are to hold joint Brexit away days.

“It’s so we can continue to present a united front to Europe on Brexit,” Keir Starmer told LCD Views political correspondent, during an unexpected drop in at our ten story Mayfair office.

Straight after that statement he excused himself, asked where the WC was and went inside. We heard fumbling with the lock (which doesn’t work unless you pull the door towards you and then turn), this went on a while.

He then seemed to work out the knack to locking the door.

He then started to scream.

“You’re not in space Mr Starmer!” Rosie Searchlight said, but it seems Mr Starmer couldn’t hear her because of all the screaming.

So we continued the unexpected interview with the Labour front bencher by using a foot stool instead.

Green Searchlight was asked to kneel down beside the stool and provide Keir’s voice.

“I’m sorry, I can’t talk properly unless a Momentum boss has their feet on me,” Green mumbled.

Tech Searchlight pulled an office chair over and put his feet up.

“Now Keir, I can call you Keir can’t I?” Monumental Searchlight continued the interview.

“I’d prefer if you addressed me as Sir Starmer, since I was backed into a corner and threatened with a hammer and sickle last summer I’ve really got nothing else left.”

“Fine. Sir Starmer, can you explain to me please the thinking behind holding a joint Brexit away day with the Conservatives?”

Keir nodded.

He didn’t answer. The foot stool looked like it was giggling.

“GREEN!” Titan boomed from the chief’s office, “you either want to play the part of Keir or I can get the dust pan and broom to do it?”

“I just need a minute to compose myself.”

More giggling.

Sounds of the chair scraping across the floor in the chief’s office.

“It’s so we can discuss policy and make sure we continue to be aligned on driving the UK straight at the cliff edge.

And in the process screwing over the younger demographics to the delight of a section of the baby boomer electorate!” Green answered breathlessly.

“To present a united face to Europe?” Monumental sought clarity, “so they know both main parties are in as irresponsible rush for calamity as the other?

Just for different, but equally disastrous, ideological reasons?”

“Yes. They need to know we’re all Brexiters now and we respect the result of the advisory, gerrymandered referendum on the 23rd June 2016.

It instructed parliament with an overwhelming mandate to stop being a representative parliament and simply a lackey for tax havens and right wing press barons. Either that or a unicorn farm.”

“Thank you Sir Starmer. Would you like a glass of water?”

“I’d like a bloody way out!”

At that point the real Sir Starmer stopped screaming and re-entered the main room, leaving the WC to vibrate with his screams.

He looked like nothing had happened at all. He’s had practise at that.

“I’m ready to go on when you are?” He offered.

It’s alright Keir, just get back to us when you’re ready to cross the floor in whatever direction offers sanctuary when you’re deselected.

For the many, not the few. Or the few, not the many? Who can keep anything straight these days.

May’s review into university fees screw up to take as long as it takes to blame Corbyn

Theresa May is to announce a government review into the university fees screw up today that will take as long as it takes to blame Jeremy Corbyn.

”Well it won’t have been the Conservatives,” May will say without batting an eyelid.

”Sure David Cameron convinced a giddy boy called Nick to back the trebling of fees back in the days of collation.

But that was merely to destroy the Libdems and get back to a proper two party system.”

Mission accomplished on that one, for now.

”It’s Jeremy’s fault anyway for not agreeing to lead Labour in coalition with the Libdems when he had the chance.”

If she’s talking about the 2017 GE, she may have a point…

”The review panel will be composed of educators from the Daily Mail, Telegraph and University of Life universities, and will soon get to the bottom of what went wrong.

I don’t think it could have been our decision to treble fees to make higher education another neocon trash and slash and profiteer zone.

It was supposed to make a sector struggling under the malaise of Corbyn’s racist immigrantion policies more competitive.

Nick Clegg should never have made Jeremy Home Office minister.”

He didn’t, did he?

“The bloody old trot has sold off the loan books and allowed interest on loans to be charged thousands of percent above the market rate.”

The enquiry will also look into why Jeremy decided to disadvantage the poorest students by taking away living cost support, thus increasing the debt burden on the poorest.

Asked why they are opening themselves up to a charge of treating students cynically when everything they’ve done in government since 2010 gives the lie, May responded,

”We can’t attack Corbyn on Brexit. He’s closed ranks with us on that so tight we can’t thank him enough. Thank God we have an impartial, majority locally owned press to back us up.”

UKIP to be investigated by electoral commission over changing its mind

LCD Views is forced by our reluctant commitment to balance in news to report this evening on the horrifying news that UKIP is to be investigated by the electoral commission because they have changed their mind.

“We’re all deeply, deeply upset,” Rosie Searchlight said, while she gathered herself to phone the electoral commission.

“I don’t know why Titan doesn’t make this call? Treason like this is above my imaginary pay grade.”

She looked forlornly for help from other members of the editorial team, but all hid their faces. Cowards.

“Is that him screaming at a chair in his office?”

It seems the trauma to British democracy has come about as a result of a vote by UKIP’s NEC this afternoon to tear the leadership of the party away form Jeeves & Wooster character, Roderick Spode, who only escaped the book a few months back.

“I know all he’s done since he took up the reigns of British democracy is cheat on his wife and bang some racist entertainer, but May and Corbyn are in the process of dismantling our services industry and ending manufacturing of everything but baskets and cases in the UK, and building a wall of bigotry in the Channel by endorsing UKIP’s main goal, so it hardly seems fair.

A shed load of racism and idiocy is what we expect from the party that has set the country hurtling towards the cliff edge, just by winning some council seats when gutless wondershit David Cameron was president,” Green Searchlight blurted out, before asking Rosie for a hanky.

“Justice will have to take its course,” Rosie said, straightening her back,

“It is no longer British to change your mind just because you’ve made a complete balls up of a very important decision. In fact, it’s now against the law.

I don’t see how UKIP can escape a fine from the electoral commission that can only sink it, on top of that little libel matter.”

But people who maybe upset by this development are minded to be ready.

UKIP’s need to change leaders more often than most folk change underwear means that not in the future, but now, anyone and everyone will be leader of UKIP.

“Andy Warhol’s estate has been forced by events to update the famous quotation attributed to him, it now goes,

‘We now realise that Andy’s original pronouncement is somewhat outdated as due to Social Media everyone now has their 15 minutes of fame.

So the next 15 minute wonder has to be leading a quasi-human racist party promoted till all our ears bleed by the BBC.

UKIP are now inviting applications from anyone with half a brain. But request no one who is capable of using a knife and fork apply, as we only have spoons.”

Further consolation is offered by the reassurance that 95% of the license fee is now spent promoting UKIP and will continue to be spent in this way so long as the BBC, along with Tory and Labour Party leaderships, continue to believe that only the proportion of baby boomer electorate that didn’t evolve their politics is the only demographic that matters.

Your fifteen minutes is coming. Regardless if you fit that description or not. Be ready.

“I’m going to be ready,” Rosie and Green chorused, “we’re tweeting Daily Mail editorials from the 1930’s praising Hitler into cyberspace just to be sure.

We’ll have the racist cred required to lead UKIP and hold the major parties’ feet to the fire till they deliver our reason for being, Brexit.”

Are you ready? Are you ready to warm the seat until Nigel is ready to sit again? You could be called at any moment. In the meantime, chip in a few quid to keep the UKIP boat afloat, donations can be made by sending untraceable dark money via Crimea to N. Farage, wherever he’s staying right now, to keep ahead of the Mueller probe in America.

BBC to keep playing broken record on flagship R4Today programme

The BBC was on the back foot and in denial mode against accusations they have replaced the presenters of their flagship Today programme on Radio 4 with a broken record of classic Brexit catchphrases.

“I don’t know where you’re getting that rubbish from?” Today editor Camber Sands fumed at LCD Views when we asked her to comment.

“The same happy gang as always is still presenting the Today programme.

Why ever would you think we’d swap John Humphrys for a vinyl recording of John Humphrys shouting classic Brexit catchphrases at interviewees instead of having an interview?

We’d hardly do it to save money.

John only costs us a bit shy of £400K a year now. Real value for money if you just want someone to essentially regurgitate the Brexit MP’s hot air and not actually interrogate the changing landscape relating to the issue.

And it’s also easily justifiable when you consider how readily John appears to accept the importance of daily supporting the democratically elected government.

He could probably earn twice that writing Tory friendly headlines for the MailOnLoan, I mean online. Or working for a media friendly environment in North Korea?”

In spite of the denials from the editors of the once great ship of British broadcasting, it seems many listeners suspect there is no smoke without fire.

“Were you listening when he interviewed one those Best for Britain chaps? Nick Robinson was on supporting vocals.

May as well have had Farage doing it. Or a recording of Farage.

Actually we could save a bundle on license fees by just having recordings of Nigel Farage shout “Sieg Heil!” at people being interviewed about Brexit.

Then he could play old music hall classics like “My Old Man’s A National Socialist”, as sometimes I think the political folk are holding too far back from going full Farage on Brexit.

Nigel won’t clean out the saboteurs and traitors attempting to undermine and subvert the will of the people on his own!”

We did approach Mr Humphrys for a comment directly, and he even seemed to answer his phone.

But all we heard down the other end of the line was a scratchy noise punctuated by what sounded like a needle bumping along an old vinyl record.”

Will of the people. The people have spoken. Now let the people be quiet.

Over to you John for the weather,

“YOU DON’T PAY ME HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF POUNDS A YEAR TO SHOUT THE WEATHER!

THIS IS UNDERMINING THE DEMOCRATIC MANDATE EXPRESSED OVERWHELMING WHEN THE PEOPLE VOTED IN THE TOTALLY NON-ADVISABLE REFERENDUM IN 2016 TO BLOW THEIR BLOODY HEADS OFF BY WAY OF ECONOMIC INSANITY.”

PLEASE…John, please stop shouting Brexit slogans, although to be fair, there was actually a lot more variety in that statement than usual these days.

Now, over the Nick Robinson for an update on the changing attitudes of the people of Britain as regards Brexit?

And maybe a comment on the latest leaks regarding the government’s own regional economic forecasts for a hard Brexit?

And maybe some coverage of the many businesses in various sectors already relocating jobs and investment across the channel. Maybe the soft fruit farms setting up in China because they can’t wait for certainty any longer?

And the big one, the Irish Border? May’s balling up in Stormont yesterday? No? Nothing.

…..(just silence)…..(and more silence)….the people have spoken.

People happy for Labour to respect the will of the people reminded the Tories are in power till 2022 then

The Institute for Contentious Argument has issued a press release informing Labour Party members that they need to start backing Theresa May’s government’s austerity policies of creating rich, slum landlords and building a food bank based economy.

We sent a reporter along to find out why, even though he was deeply reluctant to go.

“It’s obvious, isn’t it?” Professor Tanit Lightsearch asked.

Not really. What’s your logic? Austerity is just a con to move money from poor people to rich people. Labour should be fighting it tooth an nail.

“But so is Brexit. A con to move money from poor people to rich, with the added bonus of opening up the possibility of stripping rights away too. It’s pretty fruity stuff.”

Go on.

“Anyway, the logic presented in our release to day is not our logic.”

Whose logic is it then, anyway?

“It’s the logic of any Labour supporter who stands behind their leadership’s Brexit means Brexit stance on Brexit.”

But that’s just respecting the will of the people as delivered via advisory referendum.

That doesn’t mean they can’t challenge austerity and the other appalling human hating crap of May’s bungling, greed is good administration.

“But they’re backing Labour leader’s support of Brexit because the Leave camp got more votes on the 23rd June 2016.”

And?

“May’s government got more votes than Labour on the 8th June 2017. This is really simplistic stuff. But remember, everyone is a populist now.”

Our reporter went to the WC and then came back, having wet their face.

“So by the logic of ‘respecting the will of the people’ to move forward with Brexit, no matter how disastrously it’s being managed, how rushed, or how much of a catastrophe it will be, that they should also be backing austerity.”

Because the Conservative Party got more votes in the general election? But that’s not how democracy works. You keep making the argument, no more so than if you believe the winning side is deeply flawed.

“That’s the logic of the Labour leadership currently backing Brexit, so yes, get behind austerity and help make a success of it, for the few, not the many, just like Brexit.”