Environmentalist tables amendment to outlaw banana straightening machines in premature withdrawal bill

A leading environmentalist has tabled another exciting amendment to outlaw all banana straightening machines in the now famous EU Premature Withdrawal Bill.

“Michael Gove has dedicated his life to living within the environment,” key aide, Ms Footnmouth told LCD, “and what better way to show how much you love polar bears than by ridding the UK of all machines used to straighten bananas?”

It has been noted that Michael Gove has recently converted in an evangelical way to the cause of the environment.

“It’s got nothing to do with the urgent necessity to detoxify himself and the Conservative Party. Please don’t mention fox hunting, fracking, that silly animals think thing or the tax incentives stripped away from renewables. Michael is really serious about saving a polar bear. Mostly because they live really far away and other people seem to care about them. He’s not sure why. Something to do with a risk to the ice supply for gin and tonics?”

The amendment will be voted on before the less important amendment seven tomorrow, which is something a bit yawn inducing about parliament having a meaningful vote on the final Brexit deal negotiated with the economic superpower currently deciding whether or not the United Kingdom will keep its automotive and financial services industries in any meaningful form beyond 2019.

“I’ll tell you what’s meaningful,” the aide added, “holding a banana that you can pretend is a telephone when you’re two years old.

What’s parliamentary sovereignty asserting itself by demanding the representatives of the people decide their fate compared to that?”

Bananas. That’s what.

Top Labour star injured in fight with unicorn

LCD Views’ political health correspondent has breaking news this morning that a top member of the Labour team has been injured in a fight with a unicorn.

“Shortly after 6am this morning the leading light of the party suffered wounds described by emergency responders as incoherent gouges sustained while attempting to wrestle a unicorn to the ground on an upland plain over which the sun was breaking.”

It’s believed Ms Thornberry was sent to capture a unicorn after Keir Starmer failed to return with one in a special magic free trade horse carrier.

“Emily is top drawer. You saw how she took out that disgraced Conservative lest Fallon on that chat show? The great leaders believed if Keir couldn’t bag us a unicorn than she could.”

But it seems the unicorn had other ideas.

“She is believed to have a approached it with a photograph of workers and made a humming sound to calm the mythical beast, but it turned on her and stamped its hooves.”

Ms Thornberry is said to have charged the animal abruptly, once she saw its nostrils flare, and grabbed it by the horn.

“You can’t grab a unicorn by the horn and expect to come out unscathed. It’s believed they wrestled for several minutes and Emily did have the creature on the ground, but it’s superior fable power enabled it to comfort out of her grasp and gouge her in her credibility before romping off over the horizon.”

It’s believed Labour have no plans to relent currently on the unicorn chase, although maybe any day now, who would know? You tell us?

How many more Labour MPs with enough credibility across the political spectrum to capture the centre ground and potentially swing a general election will be sent on unicorn hunts before reality is bowed to by the leadership?

No news yet on whether or not the broken sun can be repaired.

Superhero close to personal goal of lying every time he speaks

A well known superhero is nearing his personal goal of lying every time he speaks.

“It’s not easy. It’s harder than climbing Mount Everest,” the hero told LCD’s WTF correspondent, “of course I’ve climbed Mount Everest numerous times. It’s actually the best secure storage place for secret dossiers.”

The hero has been in training for decades, and is well known for a looser than usual grasp of the truth, but lately he’s gone after his personal best with an enthusiasm that has left many stunned.

Passerby Demo Cracy had this to say, “I need a shower.”

It’s thought he will get over the line, thanks to the eager help of various media starlets.

“Marr is a total team player with the national interest at heart,” the superhero enthused, “I go on there this morning and just waffle absolute bollocks and there is no push back. It’s a charm. What the hell is Canada plus plus plus? Probably full EU membership.”

He stopped talking abruptly, aware he had inadvertently told the truth.

“I never said Canada plus plus plus. I said Norway plus Canada minus Sweden gives you German exemptions on bratwurst in addition to France importing English wine and no problems whatsoever posed by the FTA with Japan and our car industry. It will actually increase British car exports to Japan by at least, a minimum of, five hundred percent and one tuna fish.”

It’s not clear how much longer it will take him to reach his personal goal, but you can be sure of one thing, it’s costing the country a hell of a lot to watch him try.

But it’s worth it. It’s part of taking back control.

Westminster amateur theatrical effort “A Brexmas Carol” threatened with early close after poor reviews

LCD Views’ Amateur Theatrics correspondent has filed a review of “A Brexmas Carol” that is so scathing we hesitate to publish it.

“All the ghosts are bastards,” the review begins, “and the central character is played by an actor so drab and terrified it’s stunning she hasn’t felt the damning shepherd’s crook already to drag her off stage.”

Further criticism was levelled at the famous thespian Mr Davis for “failing to learn any of the lines required to elicit the emotional reaction to Tiny Tim the audience expects to feel. This critic actually witnessed the audience hiss and boo when he broke the wall and whispered in an aside to the audience that he had no idea what the play was about.”

There was similar heat for the blonde man chosen to be Christmas Future.

“While mildly entertained by Mr Johnson’s reviving of period insults, his instinct for accidentally damaging the stage set was a great distraction that made it seem unlikely the play could even reach the final act. He was spotted numerous times whispering conspiratorially with the ghost of Christmas Present in the wings. School boy behaviour that only made it harder for the wet rag playing Scrooge to concentrate and not fluff each line.”

The introduction of a new character was met with scorn too.

“A dour woman who looked like she would be happier drowning baby dinosaurs in a bucket. At one stage, as Scrooge was close to a revelation on the value of human kindness, this previously little known figure actually pulled the rug from under the feet of Scrooge.”

The production company funding Brexmas has issued a statement declaring it will go ahead, at least until Christmas, or 0% corporate tax rates, but it’s hard to see the ongoing feasibility of the production with audience numbers dwindling daily.

The afternoon matinees are virtually unattended now.

Other critics, for less widely circulated publications, have generally been as disappointed, with the exception of the Daily Mail, which has chosen to blame 48% of the audience for reacting poorly to the shoddy show, and the effect that appears to be having on the cast.

“A Brexmas Carol” will continue to run daily until further notice, but we expect when the curtain falls for the final time it will be abrupt and purchase of advance tickets is unwise.

May to call snap general election to increase Tory majority for negotiations with the DUP

There is a buzz inside the Westminster bubble this evening with news that ceremonial prime minister Theresa May is to call a snap general election in order to increase her negotiating strength with the DUP.

“She’s shrewd,” a BBC journalist who is said to know a lot about politics commented, “this will catch Arlene Foster and her handful of MPs completely off guard. The EU will be thrown into a tailspin too. We have to keep them off guard. Sooner or later they’ll just agree to whatever half baked nonsense the PM turns up with, just to make it all stop and go away.”

It’s believed the election will be held as soon as this coming Friday so that the Maybot will hold in her hand sufficient strength to force the DUP to agree to whatever last minute, make it up as you go idea May and her crack team of brains come up with next.

“It’s strategic genius of the quality we’ve come to expect from Downing Street,” the BBC journalist gushed, reading off a prepared script faxed over from the PM’s office, “to pretend the Brexiters know how to square the circle of the border issue while sticking to the red lines the deep thinkers behind Brexit demand. If only everyone would just trust everything will be alright we could get on with making up a success of Brexit.”

If all goes to plan the Conservatives will hold a minimum of a hundred seat majority by Saturday and it won’t matter how much money the DUP offer to pay back to the Tories to be in coalition again.

“Arlene won’t know which way to turn. Clearly extricating the Tories from being bossed by the DUP is the most important issue now for Britain’s future.”

People suggesting the DUP are doing to the Tories what the Tories are doing to the entire United Kingdom are asked to check their privilege at the door and align their priorities with Theresa May as she makes a success of DUPxit.

David Davis only handed over 52% of impact assessments because the other 48% doesn’t matter

David Davis, MP for at least a full half an arse, has coming out swinging this afternoon in the face of criticism of his having redacted information from the so called Brexit impact assessments.

“I gave the select committee of meddling representatives the 52% that matters,” he blustered, “the other 48% is of no consequence anymore. It’s blindingly obvious if you see how we behave. The final decision of democracy in the U.K. was taken on the 23rd June 2016.

He expressed further concerns that the EU might have spies within the actual committees of government as further reason for withholding information in spite of the direction of parliament.

“He’s trying to add to the mood music,” an aide to Davis told LCD, “EU spies and potential leaked and traded information. It’s guff to try and instill an us versus them. When we all know currently it’s them, our own MPs, versus us the people.”

There is some sense in that given that expecting the EU has things to find out about the UK is a bit like expecting any couple getting divorced after forty odd years of marriage not to know each other inside out.

Davis is talking nonsense. It’s the people he serves he doesn’t want to see whatever perfunctory work he’s done.

Although Davis will continue to bluster and waste time before capitulating. The defining trait of the May administration.

“Davis should just have handed over 1% of the reports,” LCD’s Tax Haven specialist commented, “as that is really the only percent that is being served by Brexit.”

Government criticised for not releasing full statements of the obvious by opposition obviously not fully in opposition to the government

The government has faced stinging criticism this morning for failing to release full statements of the obvious by the official opposition who are obviously not fully in opposition to the government.

“Let me make this clear,” Chuka Umunna MP for Streatham said, after LCD Views put more accurate words in his mouth, “just because I personally voted with the government to trigger Article 50 before seeing any Brexit impact assessments, and so being able to better judge the wisdom of my vote with the government, should not prevent me continuing to play politics on Brexit now.

I am after all, in theory, a member of the official opposition, so long as I am able to keep an uneasy truce with Momentum, or at least keep them out of my local area.”

Other opposition MPs not really in opposition to the government also joined the call to have the statements of the obvious released or the government to be judged in contempt of parliament, even though it’s obvious the government holds parliament in contempt all the time.

Keir Starmer is noted for his deft and ongoing dance with Brexit, as he challenges the government on their shambolic management of the issue that will decide everyones’ future, while being in a party whose leadership keeps voting with the government at every crucial moment.

“I just wish Corbyn and McDonnell and the rest would let me off the leash to go after this bloody government,” He didn’t say, but probably wants to, “They keep promising me, tomorrow, tomorrow, it’s always tomorrow.”

Asked for an explanation of why the impact assessments have been edited before delivering to the relevant committee a spokesman for David Davis replied,

“Isn’t it obvious?”

“Look, let’s be optimistic about Labour,” LCD Views’ top shelf political analyst commented, “either Labour is playing a clever and cynical game over Brexit, waiting for the government to wound itself sufficiently so they can pivot with public opinion and tear May out of Downing Street, and with her Brexit, or we’re all doomed.”

It’s obvious.

Harry warned not to consummate marriage to Meghan as it will be annulled 11pm 29/03/19

Prince Harry, said to be as stunned as everyone else by news of his engagement, has been warned not to consummate his impending marriage to Wallis Simpson on the basis that it will be annulled at 11pm 29/03/19.

The shocking advice comes as a result of the United Kingdom’s expected lurch back in time that is pencilled in to occur at that moment as the magic power of Brexit consumes the Kingdom.

“It’s just rum luck,” a spokesman for the Ministry of Royal Affairs informed LCD’s only royalwatcher.

“Have you seen how much EU heritage she has in her background?”

There is genuine concern within the government, especially amongst hard Brexiters, that Meghan maybe a spy planted by Junker. This is because hard Brexiters are idiots.

“It’s possibly your classic honey trap. I mean wow. Chap like Harry meets a mysterious and previously unheard of girl like Meghan? And she’s bonkers for him from the off? You’ve got to ask yourself if this is Tusk’s work.”

You have if you read the Daily Mail.

“It’s just country before individual I’m afraid,” the spokesman added, “we will be planning an invasion of the Spanish Netherlands for April of 2019 in order to recapture the EMA.. If she’s a spy planted by the EU there’s no telling what they may do.”

Asked what they will do if Harry ignores the advice and he falls pregnant prior to 29th March 2019, the spokesman was phlegmatic.

“We will need governors for the colonies. I suspect they will be happy in the antipodes. Thank Christ he’s not first in line or we’d have to declare Brexitania a republic.”

Christmas 2017 in doubt after Santa Claus fails to apply for visa in time

Parents are being advised to manage the expectations of their children today after news broke that famous Laplander, Santa Claus, has failed to apply in time for a visa.

“Even if he did and he crosses the border, it’s likely he will be detained until he proves he has a right to enter the United Kingdom,” an official for the Home Office advised LCD Views.

As anecdotal stories start to circulate of most likely illegal actions targeting EU nationals, it is probably just as well Santa is being forced to dodge a potential billet.

“Oh, we wouldn’t shoot him. Brexit is a front for fascists, but we’re only doing fascism light at the moment and arbitrarily locking up EU nationals at great personal cost, to them, till they prove they have the right to be here. The hard stuff comes from 2019.”

It’s believed this humane new directive is being done as a light touch way of convincing EU nationals they really will be happier staying across the channel with their youth, energy, education and often capital.

“Santa should have lodged his visa entry application form in January to have had any hope of gaining permission in time for Christmas 2017. Please be sure to explain properly to your children it was his fault and not our new policy of creeping xenophobia resulting from Brexiters gaining control throughout government.”

Hopefully an English Santa can be sourced locally and taught to fly a magic sleigh powered by flying reindeer in time for Christmas.

“Don’t go giving people false hope now. Although I have heard a digital Santa will be ready in time for Christmas 2018, maybe.”

Two honest hard working public figures constantly checking Expedia for best “political asylum” deals

LCD Views can report this morning that the spike in Expedia searches for “best location to go into political asylum?” is rumoured to be the result of internet use by two hardworking public officials and their friends.

“It’s not the actions of Russian bots,” LCD’s Sunny Climes analyst advises, “this is definitely the action of real people conducting real searches.”

The analyst can tell this because the searches appear to be conducted at two key moments.

Firstly, when people are usually on the toilet with a smartphone and secondly, any time any media organisation runs a story linking the public figures more closely to a certain high earning, well known character actor from Russia who likes to donate time and energy to the exotic causes he believes in.

“The big problem seems to be each time they search for a hotel somewhere in the Russian Federation the result says rooms are either ‘unavailable’ or ‘fully booked’.”

It’s believed the Ecuadorean embassy was traditionally a good place for such short breaks, only one holidaymaker booked in for a weekend years ago and is yet to check out.

“I hear they’ve also been madly checking out the best priced Russian language lessons and making dozens of profiles on dating sites popular with hot, young blonde Russian women who desire ‘virile, manly, Western man with lots of opportunities who may or may not work on a zero hours contract for the Kremlin.”

Inquiries as to why they are so far unable to reserve a room in Moscow or Sochi or somewhere like that, just met with gales of laughter.

“You keep your useful idiots close, but only an amateur keeps them that close.”