Category: Democracy

Her Majesty’s ship of state has indicated it is to introduce an emergency bill through parliament today in order to ensure non-disclosure of today’s local election results tomorrow.

The bill, which has a working title of ‘The Great Rout” has been criticised by opposition MPs though for not going far enough.

“The government would be more secure if proceedings in both houses were private,” an aide to Jeremy Jam Tommorow Cordorouy Unicorn Fudge Why Did Labour Hand Voter Details to Vote Leave? told us, “this stuff with the Lords is going to make us look a bit bloody pointless as an official opposition if we vote against those amendments and in the government’s favour when the entire Withdrawal Bill shitshow returns to us. Why not kill all the birds with one stone?”

But the government hit back at the criticism.

”They’re just worried their activists will pass out from exhaustion blaming the limited surge in Labour votes in the locals on Blairite Libdem scum and EU citizen insurgents, rather than Jezza’s enabling of Brexit. If, and it’s only an if, given the horrors of austerity, they don’t get the expected surge today tomorrow.

It’s just possible those EU citizens and their British chums will take this opportunity to vote against being made second class citizens by the collusion between the governing executive and Labour front bench.

They’re panicked.

We’re ahead of the curve. We know we’re so shafted by our own vileness and lies we aren’t even bothering to campaign anywhere that doesn’t have a significant racist, I mean UKIP vote.

We invite the so called official opposition to work with us in making sure no one knows tomorrow what happens today.

I’m personally tabling an amendment to the great rout to force newly elected councillors to sign NDA’s so they can’t tell anyone they were elected today tomorrow.”

Asked to hit back at the retort Labour abstained, as it did in the Lords the other night on the option to give the public a vote on whatever humilitating nonsense of a deal May comes back from the EU with. If it gets that far.

We did also take the opportunity to ask the Labour representative why they didn’t whip their MPs to vote last night in the commons to force disclosure of the Windrush documents?

Given the justifiable assault they’ve made on the institutionally racist policies put in place by whoever was Home Secretary between 2010 – 2016.

”Strong and stable,” they replied, “we need May to be as stable as possible so we don’t actually have to have any responsibility for Brexit. On that score may I wish them all the best in today’s local elections.

If we accidentally win Wandsworth and the Cons wipe out broadly, it’s going to make our Brexit fencesitting very difficult going forward. Today and tomorrow. We have to be careful not to be in government when the car industry departs.”

Elder British statesman Nigel Farage has clarified his call for the abolition of the House of Lords by stating he’ll “stop calling for abolition of the Lords if they make him one.”

The offer will be a timely relief for the Lords who suddenly find themselves anti-establishment heroes for their insistence on doing the job they’re unelected to do.

”My preference is for an elected upper house,” Herr Farage added, “just a lot smaller. I’m sure with the right persuasion and vote rigging and dark money channeled into the campaign by someone with an insurance business as an alleged front, the will of the people would be shown to be to have a small House of Lords handpicked with ballot boxes stuffed by myself and Cambridge Analytica employees.”

High Commander Farage went on then to list the people he felt should be elected with a one hundred percent vote in their favour.

”Myself of course. Arron. Dacre. Murdoch. Vladimir. Trump. Arlene. Kate. Corbyn. Hannan. It’s a decent list of proven word artists. Basically anyone who can be relied upon to back Brexit to the hilt. Oh, and hanging. And gun ownership. And tax liberalisation. And opposition to climate change. And changing history courses in schools to reflect what children should learn.”

Whether or not Theresa May will give in and award Farage a peerage will depend upon which threats she receives via snail mail from Jacob Rees-mogg and the other serial chancers of the ERG.

”Elected representatives have proven themselves to be very malleable and easily startled. Just look at the nonsense parliament currently is with two major parties scared racists won’t vote for them. It’s high time we did away with that lack of fear in the upper house.”

What Lord Nigel would be Lord of is open to suggestions.

Move over, roast beef. A recent poll has revealed that the new national dish of Britain, as voted for by you, the people, is gammon. 52% of voters decided that the image of Britain needed to change forever.

The pink, salty substance has increased in popularity over the last few years. Made from the rear end of pigs, the resemblance of social media loudmouths to gammon is startling.

To explain further, we asked celebrity chef Ollie James to put his snout in the trough for us.

We met at James’ latest pop-up restaurant, in this week’s trendy London postcode. Named ‘Propa Geeza’, should you wish to pay a visit, it specialises in what James calls “traditional English grub”.

“Gammon is a truly magnificent meat,” gushed James in broad Mockney. “Think pink! Propa pukka grub, innit? Boil for an hour, cover in honey and breadcrumbs and roast until it falls apart. Luvverly jubbly. Boosh!”

No garlic? we ventured. No jus, no wine, no bizarre ingredients?

“Nah, I leave that to Blooming Hestonthal,” drawled James. “Gammon is tasteless and fatty, and archetypically English. Here, try a bit!”

Customer Pat Riot was enjoying her dinner. “I love me gammon,” she said through a mouthful of meat. “I’ve got the Full English Special, with potatriots and lots of vegetables. I won’t have mustard, not since Colman’s moved to Germany, it ain’t right innit?”

“I pig out here every day,” she continued. “Ollie provides wi-fi so I can keep in touch with other gammon lovers and moan about idiots who won’t touch the stuff. ITS NATRUAL YU DUM F***,,, IF YU DO,,NT LIKE ARE FOOD THEN GO AWAY ITS THAT SIMPLE!!*/!”

A whistleblower has revealed that, during polling, Danish gammon producers paid for social media advertising in an attempt to skew the vote. Copenhagen Analytica have denied the allegations. Telling porkies in order to bring home the bacon? Doesn’t sound fishy at all.

A planned game of ‘Where’s Wally’ in the House of Commons has had to be scrapped as it was just too easy to find a Wally.

“It was supposed to liven up the atmosphere, as things are a bit down in the mouth lately,” leader of the house for the Conservatives, Andrea Leadsom MP (how?) told LCD Views, before going onto Radio 4 WATO to talk absolute bollocks unchallenged about ditching membership of the customs union.

She came back to us afterwards.

“Everyone is so down these days, we thought, why not put a spin on the classic book series of Where’s Waldo? and try and raise a little bit of money for Boris Johnson and Michael Gove’s potential need for a legal defence fund in the future.

You know, after that Cambridge Analytica scandal plays out fully, just in case they end up caught in it in spite of being completely innocent in everything they do and never, ever lying about anything.

I may add, the CA fuss seems to be ongoing with absolutely no pressure or help from Jeremy Corbyn and the rest of the Labour leadership.

But who cares about a little potential corruption of our democracy by malicious actors when Lexit is on offer, hey? Party before country is the way for us on both sides now. Ideology before common sense. It ain’t so common!”

To make the fundraising possible it was agreed that anyone in the Commons known to be a bit of a wally would put on a beanie hat and take their usual seat.

“Then everyone else had to try and find them,” Andrea explains, “once they were found they would have to donate to the possible defence fund. Anywhere from upwards of £350M a week! It was very enticing.”

But it seems that after all the beanie hats were dished out the chamber was found to be composed of so many Wally’s that the game was pointless.

“When you take in every remain MP that is now supporting Brexit, in spite of knowing it’s a suicide mission to make the 1% richer, and then add in the ERG and the Lexiters and all the MPs too gutless to speak up for truth…

You know those ones, the under the radar type who hope if they just keep their heads down on the subject somehow they’ll emerge unscathed, even though the entire country is set to be bought, sold and stripped of its component parts, before being sold on again. Those ones.”

That’s an awful lot of Wally’s!

“I know. The game was unplayable. Only Ken Clarke, Grieve, Soubry, Chuka (although he could change his positioning any day with the winds, but right now he’s in full remain mode…so…) and some others were found to not be wearing hats.”

Why don’t you turn it about and make the game to find the MPs that aren’t Wally’s?

“Oh my God! We never thought of that,” Leadsom nodded enthusiastically, “just like we never thought creating a toxic set of policies and setting out to make life as miserable as possible for as many vulnerable groups in the country as possible, so as to forment discord and confusion and sow the seeds for Brexit, would ever rebound on us.”

Good luck. You won’t raise as much money spotting the MPs that aren’t Wally’s currently, but at least the game will be playable. By the way, love the beanie.

“Thanks,” Ms Leadsom replied, “I put mine on even before we thought of playing Where’s Wally!”

The developers of the new console game ‘Wolfenstein : Brexit edition’ have revealed in a sneak preview to LCD Views that every end stage boss in Brexit is a Farage.

“It explains why most levels end in a bar with the player’s avatar hurling empty pint glasses and full ashtrays at a computer generated Nigel,” head developer Mr Wonder told us, “although there are various other lower order servants of the hard right, servants of lies with allegedly dodgy money trails to cover over, that you have to defeat as you go.”

Katie Tosskins. Arron Spanks. Jacob Grease-ogg and many other figures that remind people of someone they may have seen spouting absolute bollocks on a BBCQT also feature.

“But every level has a Farage. Until the very end boss in the game. But there’s plenty of fun as you go. One Nigel you have to crash a light aircraft with. Another you have to defeat him by pretending you’re going skinny dippy with him at Brighton, but then not jumping when he does. But listen to me waffle, I’m giving away spoilers!”

And who’s the very end boss?

“You’ll have to play and find out, it’s either Putin or Murdoch or a hybrid of both.”

But campaigners against democracy in the United Kingdom, UKIP, and members of the ERG in the Conservative Party have criticised the game developers.

“All the foot soldiers are UKIP members,” a local UKIP party organiser told us, “I mean. I remember my grandkids playing the original game in the 1980’s and the baddies in that game were all of a certain political persuasion. I’m not sure what the game developers of the modern game, Brexit edition, are trying to say?”

Asked to respond to that Mr Wonder said, “it’s okay. We’re definitely not trying to demonise Brexiters, or we would have made a new version of DOOM instead. We’re just reflecting modern British life at the moment, the plethora of useful idiots being used by dark powers. It’s what all creative people do. Anyone who is offended needs to have a look at who they’ve made their master and what agenda they’ve signed up to.”

News is leaking out today of war inside the Conservative cabinet over who gets to be face of the party’s official campaign beer.

“We decided we couldn’t compete with Labour and the Liberal Democrats and the Greens and SNP and well, everyone, in the social media game so we thought we’d produce a beer,” said head of campaign strategy, Richard Head from Head, More Head and Serve, who are handling the Conservative’s local election campaigning, “it was supposed to be small beer. But it’s turned out to be as difficult as organising a piss up in a brewery for our clients.”

Surely that had have been anticipated? Can you name one area of life in the UK they haven’t screwed up?

“Don’t ask me about all that. I’m just here for the highly paid job. Although I’m being paid through a series of shell companies offshore. But don’t print that. I’m sub-contracting to the contractor who has the contract and well, it’ll all end up in property in Mayfair anyway.”

So what’s gone wrong?

“Nothing. I own several apartments already. Which I refuse to rent out.”

No, what’s gone wrong with the campaign?

“Oh. Sorry. Well it seemed a bloody simple idea.

Blowhard Beer – Proper British Beer. Drink some Tory and spit.

Great slogan. Easy to swallow and just as easy to say.

We mocked up some poster designs under the heading “Order Order”, as it is expected to also help fund the Tory party from sales of Blowhard now their business donors are deserting them over that little SM and CU sex scandal thing, or whatever it is, but…”

But it seems when it came time to pick the cabinet member to be the face of Blowhard was when the trouble started.

“Hammond was clearly right out. Although he was a bit annoying. He kept getting his calculator out and pointing out how many cases of Blowhard we’d have to shift to turn a profit. But we could just ignore him like Theresa told us to do. No. It was Boris and Davis that caused the problem as they both felt they were the most qualified to front the campaign.”

It seems the issue came to a head in the cabinet meeting yesterday when both men turned up dressed as beer bottles, having been privately reassured by Theresa May they had the job.

“I think she wants to fight and for it to go public,” Richard Head said, “she can’t bring herself to sack Boris. She’s hoping a drunken public brawl with Davis might kill two birds with one stone.”

Blowhard will go on sale regardless in the next few days.

“We do have an alternative,” Dick reassured, “we can always call it Scapegoat and put Amber Rudd on the label whether she likes it or not.”

LCD Views can report today what is potentially the greatest benefit to come when Brexit collapses under the weight of its own horror and stupidity being famous medieval noble Jacob Rees-mogg temporally fleeing the country.

“He is threatening to get into his time machine and return to the 14th century,” LCD Views’ chief political analyst reports, “most people believe he is from the 19th century, but that is factually and provably wrong.

He’s actually a minor noble who left the 14th century after the peasant’s revolt and the failure of laws like the statute of labourers and laws against enticement etc. Essentially he was disgusted by the gaining of rights by the poorest in the community. It was not an uplifting experience for him.”

But why did he come to the 21st Century?

“He was aiming for the late 1930’s,” our analyst says, “but he didn’t take into account changes to the Gregorian calendar enacted by Pope Sixtus in the 16th century and he overshot by a few decades.”

That answers how, not why?

“Oh, because his attempts to lobby Edward III to crush freedom of movement for farm serfs, little better than slaves at the time who had to ask the lord of the manor for permission to leave the farm, failed and he surveyed his ‘time orb’ and saw some really exciting things happening in 20th century Europe.

He thought his best chance to fulfil his mission, why he left the Borg cube, to totally subjugate an entire population and take their resources and assets and rights away lay in the 20th century.”

Hang on, the Borg?

“Yes. You will have seen the 1996 documentary on them presented by Patrick Stewart.”

This does make a lot of things clearer. So we can rid ourselves of space alien, medieval peasant crushing, minor noble Jacob Rees-mogg merely by stopping Brexit?

“It will be just another tangible benefit of stopping Brexit. It’s either that or lose freedom of movement, consulate protection from dozens of countries, the NHS, farming sector, high tech manufacturing, international reputation, mass investment and a bunch of other stuff, like being a member of a bloc of democracies big enough to finally start to take action against the tax havens that are using populism and manipulation of voting to protect their greed.”

What’s tax evasion and everyday people’s rights got to do with it?

“Oh, that’s what the Borg feed upon.”

Britain’s political equivalent of Einstein anti-matter confirmed today that she and her chums have “almost finished our experiment to see what it takes to destroy as many U.K. businesses as possible.”

The reassurance came as the ruling party, voiced by the Maybot, but programmed by a dark and merciless trio of Murdoch, Rees-mogg and Foster (not Jodie, the other Foster) ruled out remaining in the definite customs union, or the indefinite, the as yet to be defined by Jeremy “unicorn whisperer” Corbyn, or any other form of customs union which may involve an unpalatable degree of sanity and economic certainty for manufacturing in the UK. As the clock ticks down to doomsday in the U.K.

”It’s vital that everyone understands the lunatics are still in control of the asylum,” the Maybot told LCD Views, “the cuckoos are still flying over the nest. The barbie is still just as short of sausages as it was yesterday and the china shop will not stop being trashed until every plate, every saucer, every bowl of economic competence in the 21st century is smashed to smithereens and on the floor. It’s how either 1% will get richer or the tricky commies will have their decades long desired revolution on the back of disaster forcing revolutionary social change.”

So that dealt with the weekend rumours of a u turn.

”There is absolutely no chance of a u turn from my government,” the driverless driver of the government confirmed, “and you know me when I make my mind up!”

Business welcomed the clarity, especially the Japanese who have placed 40% of their EU investment in the U.K. because of our membership of the EU.

To make their statements clearer we translated it, “we’re almost fed up warning you and we’re about to up stakes and go.

And no, we can’t be bribed as easily as some. We think long term. Something clearly the U.K. does not do since the overwhelming advisory mandate to trash yourself without relent.

And yes, maybe your MSM should report the flow of jobs and investment across the channel that’s already happening and will only accelerate if you stay on your current path. We will be turning it into a flood because we are sane.”

Asked to respond to the government’s determination to destroy British business the party of workers released the current statement,

”We still support the government’s determination to destroy jobs in the U.K. because jobs are the enemy of the workers.

Anything we say one day that sounds differently we are always careful to contradict the next. We are building a fudgberg. Have a taste.”

LCD Views commends the ruling parties of coalition for their clarity and trust a parliament will sooner rather than later put a stop to the travesty governance has become in this United Kingdom.

Downing Street is to get back ground it’s been losing to the Windrush scandal and today’s money laundering nightmare, oh and the nearing to collapse of most public services, by rolling out vans telling remainers to “piss off and live in the EU if you love it so much”.

“It’s standard PR work to shore up our base,” Mr F Arce told LCD Views, “especially with the local elections coming up in a couple of weeks in large metropolitan areas. If we don’t remind people just how bigoted a government we are, how unwilling to compromise and discuss differences, then they might get the wrong idea and vote UKIP again.”

It’s believed the move is a timely one, as there is just the faint whiff of a lack of legitimacy building around an administration that seems to turn everything it touches into first grade cow manure.

“We are caring conservatives,” Mr F Arce explained, “we just only care about ourselves and our rich donors. People should remember God put the hoi polloi on earth to be milked till the grave for the benefit of a small number of ‘elite’.”

But surely the use of vans is a bit contentious given all the coverage currently being given to the ‘hostile environment’ policies of former Home Office minister Theresa May?

“We need to get the message across quickly that anyone who relies on facts is a danger to this government,” Mr F Arce explained, “and a danger to the identity politics of anyone so stupid they still support Brexit.”

Mr F Arce we wish you luck.

“Thank you. But just to be clear, the decision to roll out these vans now was taken by the next Labour government. We’re only putting it into action now because we calculate if we target a much less vulnerable group now everyone will think we’ve learned Labour’s lesson for their mistake in the future now.”

Great news today for fans of rebranding exercises with the announcement that 10 Downing Street has been renamed ‘the city of the dead’ to honour all the skeletons now tumbling out of the Tory closet.

“It was actually my idea before they dumped me out of the back of a van on the M4 last year,” N Timothy Twat told LCD Views, “pretty much everything the government does is my idea. It’s why it’s all genius.”

In order to help people better understand the change the 10 Downing Street gift shop is to start selling postcards with desert and stone themes for less than the alleged price of a brown paper bag containing a bribe to avoid being investigated by tax officials.

“They need to get some camels on the street quickly,” N Timothy Twat said, “and maybe a day of the dead theme carnival dance, which will be a good way of getting past all the skeletons that are tumbling out of the closet. Show everyone how much we embrace the errors the previous government made and how we are fixing what Labour broke between 2010-2016. I’d also like to focus more on hanging things onto our junior colleagues in government during the coalition years. Momentum people salivate at that because they’re so terrified people will fact check and vote Libdem. You can see what an unrestrained, eyeball gouging, human hating mess government was until 2015 now.”

Other measures to best make advantage of the skeletons that are so numerous now in the closet of the prime minister and her colleagues is to invite school groups into 10 Downing Street to play.

“Play with the skeletons,” N Timothy Twat says, “sardines anyone? Go on squeeze in. Just mind the broken femurs, they can be a bit pointy when you’re trying to make room for a money laundering scandal on top of a racist immigration policy, the kind of which national socialists of the 1930’s would have been proud to applaud.”