HORRORSCOPING : NO ONE COULD HAVE PREDICTED the pivotal role former jockey Dido Harding would play in the pandemic, no one except for the farseeing board member of Cheltenham race course herself.
Lesser mortals fumbled about early on as the plague began to tear through the land, but Dido looked ahead, eyes on the prize, and got The Cheltenham Festival done. Which, given the way the mutant strain was already ripping the social fabric to shreds on the continent was a feat of magic.
And she only went from strength to strength after that. As fools considered engaging public health officials with years of experience in tracking and tracing infectious diseases to run the UK’s track and trace system, Dido was already furlongs in front of the pack, the trophy in her hands.
You need to be quite the visionary to dispense so many billions of public cash so fast, but Dido was able to allocate every last penny with a steadiness that bordered on clairvoyance.
But she wasn’t done then, the race was still on, and with a nimbleness that brings to mind psychic powers, she landed one of the top jobs protecting the nation’s health.
“You have to have second sight,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Just consider the situation. This is a country heaving with health experts. Virologists. Epidemiologists. And so on. But Dido outfoxed every single one to seize the top public health jobs during the pandemic. It’s like a kind of magic. And look at the results!”
And it’s believed that it’s this reputation for wizardry that Dido is leaning on in her next career move.
“From next week she will be writing a weekly horoscope column for The Daily Mail. She’s clearly got a direct line to the underworld, just look at the state of the U.K., she can phone up the dead and get a forecast of what will happen tomorrow and it will all go into print. Pisces – you will be contacted with terrible news when it’s too late to do anything about it. Taurus – you’ll need to watch yourself in the poorly socially distanced check out line. Aquarius – Take control of your waters before the IV line. It will go like this and help everyone.”
Dido Harding, a career that’s mutated more than a cold virus that is only here because it mutated in the first place. And no one could have predicted that.