DON’T LOOK BACK IN ANGER : Great news for patriot’s today who are seeking ways to improve the prospects of the United Kingdom, and maybe even prevent its disintegration back into warring Dark Age tribes.
The upbeat vibes are welcome after a long period where plague and misfortune has been visiting upon these islands as if by magic.
“It was a masterstroke,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “all the credit lies with LORD Frost and Mr Johnson who came up with the totally wizard idea of hiring someone to find Brexit benefits. And they did!”
Dido Harding was initially expected to take the role of Director of Brexit Opportunities after her success in tracking and tracing Tory donors to outsource track and trace to, but she was unavailable as she was busy writing xenophobic articles in a pitch to run the NHS.
“It’s okay. We just stayed in the shallow end of the talent pool and waited to see what else would float on by and we hired them instead.”
The name of the new Brexit superstar is currently under wraps so instant celebrity doesn’t distract them from their task.
“It’s best to keep it a secret until their peerage is arranged. We’re running out of geographical areas to make someone a Lord or Dame of, so we’re having to dredge up some of Doggerland for that. That’s a bit controversial as evidence comes up of various peoples mixing and moving back and forth for millennia. But if no one talks about that we’ll get away with it!”
The big reveal can’t be far away though because the new Director of Brexit Opportunities is reported to have identified the major opportunity already!
“Crikey! They’ve identified the biggest opportunity from Brexit is the possibility of joining the European Union? And they’ve listed sheets of instant benefits. Wait. Did we just hire John Bercow in a wig?”