Dominic Cummings accused of eating Boris Johnson

Where’s Boris? The infamous floppy-haired fridge dweller is rumoured to be toast. Almost literally.

At least we now know where the attraction to walk-in cold storage units comes from. It means the oven-ready dog’s dinner remains palatable that bit longer.

One of our prime ministers is missing, but that no longer matters. The entire cabinet is comprised of ciphers and placemen, who think they have been given the levers of power to pull. Like when you buy your child a toy dashboard so they can pretend to drive the car.

While Johnson has not been seen for some time, the alleged brains behind him is looking better than ever. Well fed and radiant, Dominic Cummings looks as stuffed as the country he presides over.

Cummings is a man who has fingers in a lot of pies. Or in this case, a lot of Boris Johnson’s fingers baked in a pie. Four and twenty, if you also count his toes and a few other random bits and bobs thrown in for good luck.

Cummings is said to have started with the brain. A shocked Downing Street “source” reported that the contents of Johnson’s skull was merely sufficient for an entree. His true brain resides in the trouser department, of course.

Not that the prime gammon minister will need that any more. His tendency to excess has been cured, by immersion in salt water.

Cummings is making a complete meal of things. The absence of the nominal head of government is raising questions. Can the body politic operate without a head? Or, will it behave like a hydra and sprout three more? That would be a lot for Cummings to swallow.

At least there will be one tangible benefit of Cummings’ cunning plan. Johnson, whom many regard as a very dangerous individual, has been rendered ‘armless.

Soon he won’t even have a leg to stand on either.

Some say that the whole Brexit business has torn the heart out of the country, so Cummings is symbolising this by tearing the heart out of his boss and eating it. What’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the proper gander.

Cummings will not be consuming one part of Johnson. His bollocks will be fed to the general public.

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