UNCONTROLLABLE : The unseen force in British politics, Dominic Cummings, is said to be temporarily unable to continue with his vital work of egregious waste of UK taxpayer money today after hearing about the £10K fine levied against a 61 year old NHS pay protest organiser.
Mr Cummings was said to be “in his bunker” trying on a range of new grey suits with matching white Persian cats when he heard the news. And his reaction was believed to be “instantaneous” and “like a megalomaniac man with a deadly virus speeding up a motorway with his child in the back of the car out of the terror of having to babysit.”
“It’s potentially very serious,” an insider told LCD Views from Dom’s subterranean lair. “He has to work out how to waste another £100bn on some fantasy white elephant by midday or he won’t hit his personal productivity target for the day.”
Further concerns have been expressed over the likelihood of an actual injury resulting from the laughter if it does not abate soon.
“He could break a rib, which would make getting dressed like a 20 year old boy band wannabe try hard difficult. There’s also some concern over damage to his eyesight if he can’t unscrew his mean little orbs soon. And we all know what lengths he is prepared to go to to check his vision. He’ll probably have to undertake a circumnavigation of the world if he doesn’t stop laughing like a drain soon.”
But concerns over Dom’s welfare are perhaps overblown, like the man himself. A recent check showed that his 30,000 word 2014 blog on public sector pay was edited five minutes ago to forecast just this situation. And revisionism that keen needs fine eyesight.