Dominic Cummings promises that Boris Johnson will resign in six months

WHAT’S THE RUSH DOT COM : THE UK’S prime minister, Dominic “contempt of parliament” Cummings, has made a firm commitment to the people who voted to be ruled by an unelected bureaucrat in Durham, not Brussels.

“Unlike the tyrannical, super state across the ENGLISH CHANNEL, we are now a healthy, hereditary democracy,” Mr Cummings wrote on his blog (while also amending a post from 2012 that predicted the Olympics’ opening ceremony would feature men dressed as knights, with St George crosses on their shields, and nothing else).

Thereafter several thousand words followed, most of which attempted to compare Mr Cumming’s driving skills, even while blindfolded, as equal to famous Chinese rally driver Tsun Zu’s.

Eventually he cycled back to the point he began at.

“Mr Johnson will resign his seat at the forthcoming 2020 December General Election. He will thereafter serve as my SPAD, after I am elected with an overwhelming majority in the seat of Uxbridge and South Ruislip. This will ensure a smooth transition of power from me to me, with Mr Johnson still worn as the fig leaf over my engorged, sociopathic member.”

But critics have leapt on the assertions and demanded to know how Mr Cummings can predict the future so confidently, when he failed so completely to prepare the UK for the Covid-19 pandemic he claims to have foreseen coming?

In response we imagined an honest reply.

“Who controls the voting system in the House of Commons? Who runs the postal voting system? Who is about to redraw the constituency boundaries? Who has failed to release the Intelligence Report into Russian Interference in UK Democracy? Who took the UK out of the EU based on a ‘mandate’ from an advisory referendum so corrupt, had it been legally binding it would have been quashed and re-run? Need I go on. Some things are just a foregone conclusion.”

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