Dominic Raab advises food bank users “solve their temporary cash flow” problem by landing a PPE contract

THE MAN WHO HAS NEVER HEARD NO : FOREGIN SECRETARY Dominic Raab has today visited a food bank. There are no details concerning what food he brought to donate, if any.

“It’s best to visit the living testimonials to your government’s achievements,” an aide to the geographically challenged Foreign Secretary told LCD Views, “when you consider how withered the food bank sector was in 2010, and contrast that to now? Dominic has a lot to visit. He could basically do nothing but visit food banks and he would never rest. They should probably create a minister for visiting food banks. Especially when you think what’s coming down the line in 2021!”

But it’s not just enough to go to the places that speak to the heart of your governing philosophy, you have to dispense advice. You have to help people improve themselves. If only they believed they could land a high paying job. It’s all about achieving the right accident of birth to start with, and then building on it.

“He wasn’t mansplaining,” the aide was definite, “let’s get that settled right at the start. And mercifully he wasn’t attempting to teach anyone orienteering. Ha! Do you remember when he lost that entire classroom in the Brecon Beacons? Actually, you probably don’t. We hushed the entire fabricated story up. I’m sure the kids are being raised perfectly fine by the wolves. They’ll probably get a movie deal out of it when they finally claw their way out of a ravine and stumble into a town.”

Well, what did he say?

“He solved it for food bank users, experiencing temporary cash flow problems. He told them to get a government PPE contract, untendered, and they’d never want for money ever again. And the best part, you don’t actually have to deliver any PPE!”

Nice work if you can get it.

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