Dominic Raab shocked to learn he’s a martian after reading title of a book

The women who live in Esher and Walton are on a steep learning curve today after their MP Dominic Raab read the cover of a famous book.

“I’m going to tell everyone,” a still shocked Raab told LCD Views, “just as soon as I have a lie down and absorb the information.”

The information he’s talking about was transmitted to Raab this morning when he looked into the window of a book store.

“I was looking for more props to put on a shelf behind me for a photo shoot, I’m the centrefold this month in ‘Thick Conservative Bullies’, and I thought, you know those things that make you look smart, what are they called? They’re made from trees that people have done mark making on? Um. Ah.”

Books?

“That’s it! Wow. I could learn a thing or two from you. But I won’t. Because I’m superior to everyone. Anyway. It was one of those tree things.”

The tree thing concerned was the famous work of Doctor John Gray, ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus’, published on News Years Day, 1992.

“I’m a martian?! How could I not know this? Is it because Doctor Grey is a so called ‘grey’ alien? Secretly doing things on Earth without people noticing? Did he wipe my mind years ago? I’ll keep looking for answers and I’m definitely telling everyone I know what I’ve learned, because there’s absolutely no chance they knew it already.”

So that’s Dominic Raab’s to do list for today.

“Yes, telling all the women in my constituency that they are from Venus, just to see their minds blown, and then blowing the men’s minds too.”

Will you stay an MP, now you know you’re an extraterrestrial?

“I doubt it. I’ll probably do what other aliens do.”

And what’s that?

“Mess about with air traffic control systems and shove things up people’s bums.”

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