Donald Trump claims he was at Pizza Express Woking during insurrection on Capitol Hill

A PRINCELY DEFENCE : EMBATTLED US PRESIDENT DONALD “MAD ORANGE JOBBY” TRUMP is said to be taking royal inspiration as he prepares his defence against likely charges of involvement in insurrection.

And he’ll need to be swift about it, given that one of his ridiculous sons has posted a video of himself and friends partying as the insurrection took place. Partying while watching the insurrection…

“Maybe they just presumed it would all be alright on the day?” our Washington insider wonders, “after all the people involved on the ground in the so called spontaneous event were even wearing merchandise.”

But it’s best to be prepared and no one will be able to accuse Trump of being tardy about illegalities of the worst occurs.

“He’a going to claim he was having dinner with friends at Pizza Express Woking,” our correspondent says, “at least that’s what unconfirmed leaks from the Oval Office say. He’ll probably go further and say he’s been there for the entire term he is said to have been president. Which he will also deny soon.”

It’s clearly a good defence, just so long as Laura “scuffles” Kuenssberg is reporting on it and not Emily Maitliss.

“He’ll also claim that he has a medical condition which means he can’t sweat,” our imaginary man on the ground says, “as a result of his experience with bone spurs dodging the Vietnam War draft. But that is a little odd, because if he isn’t sweating right now, he should be.”

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